 For how long did you wake up every morning at the same exact time? And go, how long did that last? Maybe seven years, seven years used to work every morning. Four AM panic attack. Yeah, that's pretty bad. Seven years. Did you do were you doing anything to counter it that time? Not really. No, I think it's like it's panic attacks are weird because you can I had one on stage in Australia once and it was like in front of 4,000 people and the gig went great and had a panic attack and it's I didn't say you were having a panic attack. No, I and did you listen back to the performance? We've got panic attack stories, right? The we do I should tell the story. No, finish it and then. OK, so so the panic attack, like if you haven't had one fabulous and I you never need to experience it, but if you the first one is the scariest after that, they're OK. The first one is like I can't you have no idea what's happening. Yeah, I can't stand up. I can't sit down. I don't want to eat. I'm hungry. I want to sleep. I'm not tired like it's everything. It's incredibly uncomfortable, but you can function through it. There's no sense of and I thought there's something about my voice and the way that I present myself where if I say I'm very insecure and that's why I tell all these jokes and I don't not very self-confident and I think I'm a dummy. Some of my voice where you go you can hear it on one level and another bit of you's going, no, yeah, fine. Very successful British man. Don't worry about it. Yeah, but you have to be aware of how the world perceives you and then mediate between the two. It feels like that, you know, sometimes like me having a panic attack because I don't sound like I'm having a panic attack. So OK, did it start? I think Caroline is often surprised. Mother half is often surprised if I go feeling a bit down. Yeah, you seem fine. Yeah, you're like an emotional. Are they called Bobbies? The guy who stand in front of the overton window of my emotion is is is that like you can get you know, you get given a Netflix special and so you're filming it. It goes great. It's a huge deal. And I'm good. And then, you know, something your friend died. Oh, OK. So are you talking about that's what people's expectations are? That's what you're that's how I present. Yes, how I feel. I feel overjoyed and I feel sorrow, but I think I present fairly. Yeah, steady. Yeah. You're like the guy who stands in front of Downing Street. The soldiers who won't the fur hat much. My panic attack story involving Jimmy was so it's fairly laborious in terms of how I started having them had started having them two weeks before three mikes and then I went on Zoloft after that they stopped. And and then I stopped taking Zoloft again. I'm in London with Dave Chappelle and Jimmy's there that came to the show. It was Dave's show and I go on stage. Here's what I have. Trevor Noah had told me that people in England just heckle freely as like part of the show. So I I'm like, fuck, it's the same theater. I think he did. And I'm like, I'm like and and Sina, Dave's Robin was like, hey, you got to go out now. And I was like, but and then I go on stage. James and Jamila are there and I do a minute and I can feel the I'm getting tunnel vision, can't breathe, can't think. And I was just like, hey, Jimmy, come come on out. I got Jimmy Carr and they're very happy to see you. And I go backstage, catch my it's once it only takes about 40 seconds to clear my body, but I don't know time. Yeah, of course. And then you brought me back out and I did a good set. So yeah, but it was like it was kind of unfortunate. But I could tag team tag team wrestling. Yeah. So so I understand panic. Now I take a beta blocker and they I get none before I go on stage. All right. Yeah. No, I I kind of don't like medicating. I kind of not like I like to feel my feelings. I like to kind of go, OK, well, I'll feel that. And as long as it's not really bad, like I got beta blockers. One time when I got canceled, I got I got some beta blockers. It was the tax thing that I had like in 2012. Jimmy said two scandals, taxes and and many many scandals in between. Not all of them make it to the States. Got it. OK. I get canceled about about every two years. There's there's an incident. Great. Normally a joke, which is fine, you know, because you've got a right size. I told a joke. Some people didn't like it. That's kind of OK. But when it's a big thing, the tax thing really felt like, oh, this could be not an existential crisis, but this could end your career or could change it. And I got beta blockers. I remember taking one the first day. I think, OK, everything feels all right. And they just had them as a sort of a talisman. It's like, OK, they're there if you need them, don't need them. Right. But you'd rather, yeah. I use Downton Abbey. I think it has the same effect as Valium. It's a very chill show. Yeah. Nothing shocking is going to happen. I found it very calming. What is why? I haven't watched any of them. I hadn't watched any of them. And then watch those like for like 10 nights in a row. Watch the season. I just really found it very kind of grounding. I don't know why, but sometimes it's like that thing of like, what are you going to go to when you're feeling like going people use comedy for that? Yeah. I think a lot of people use comedy for that. I started meditation when I was 25. And did you stick with it? Yeah, I do it twice a day every day for the toss. TM? Yeah. Great. What's your mantra? OK. What made you start? You just didn't like your in your body experience? I was getting anxiety attacks and panic attacks. I would have panic attacks about nothing. I would have anxiety attacks like in meetings and auditions and stuff like that. And there is some stuff that's like natural performance anxiety, you know, stage fright, which is like normal. But it it doesn't it just didn't feel normal. I just wanted like more agency over my mind. Did it like start helping immediately? Immediately. Meditations for helping immediately, immediately. And I'm not perfect. I don't claim to be, but it definitely it definitely like it's just part of my body. No, it's part of my routine. Yeah, it's like it's like a hunger. It's like, oh, it's lunchtime. You know, it's like time for the second meditation. Great. Do you feel your thoughts changing before you're like, I had to get it sit? Meaning, does it like does the morning sit start to wear off? And then yeah, usually in that like post lunch, lol, I'll do my second meditation where a European person would take a three hour CS to do my second 20 minutes. I don't know why you have to bring the Europeans into it in a negative way. And I don't think you mean it was a negative way. I'm like, they got it made. I wish I had a three hour. I wish we could do. You're right, you know, you're not French hours on set. OK, so that slowly got better, the the anxiety. And did you stop having like attacks in high pressure situations? I stopped having like full whiteout disassociated disassociative like full blown panic. What would you do when you had them when before you started? I would be completely out of body and I would flop sweat. Could you see it where you're looking at yourself or you were just like it wasn't you couldn't operate? I would sometimes operate. Sometimes I would sit in the very first stand-up set I did on television was live at Gotham and I was like completely out of body for the first joke. I mean, the mistake of like inviting a bunch of high school friends to the taping and they sat them all front row, which is like total amateur hour. I remember looking at the tape and being like, well, it was totally fine. I couldn't I couldn't tell at all. Really? I couldn't tell at all. Yeah, that is funny where you wait because I had some panic attacks on stage. And and then I would listen back and it wasn't that bad. But it's so it would even if you get through the first joke, you're upset the whole time. Yeah, she's like, why did that happen? Yeah, because you don't know. You have no idea. Yeah, I started taking beta blockers on stage. Yeah, the beta blockers I tried a little bit and they made me feel a little bit strange, but. It's better than having panic attack. Yeah, yeah, and they don't make me feel strange. Yeah, they just make me crush. Have you seen my comedy? I haven't, you're very good at it. OK, so you you had anxiety on stage and you would have them in life like do you? I would have them in life. I've been having pretty bad anxiety lately, I think, just from. I was doing pretty like everybody that sounds hack. I was doing pretty damn good until I want to say pretty damn good. But I was doing pretty good until quarantine, quarantine, I don't know. A lot of drinking, quarantine. And my dad got cancer and quarantine and he died in December. But so that was that's been tough. And you just from like an idle mind, you were sitting there and you were like, I. Yeah, I was just the end of the world. I mean, like it was during the George Floyd stuff and Trump was turning the country into a military state. I was stuck in my house for two years and just like couldn't do. Stand up and couldn't shoot and, you know. Yeah, I loved it. Did you really? There were parts of it. I absolutely there was parts of it that I that were kind of like an amazing reset on society and you got to like read the book you've been meaning to read and like whatever, take the cook more and their work with their art of the deal. That was the that was the book I was trying to read. Are the deal. Mine calm and I would cook my and I would cook my Trump steaks. Yeah, no, I'm with you. But you you you quickly realized that like this is not working for me. I mean, I'm still realizing it. I don't know. It was I wasn't making the healthiest choices. I probably wasn't exercising as much, but like life is in chapters and waves and cycles and stuff like that. So have you figured yours out or you only see them in retrospect? I think you're constantly figuring them out. Maybe I think you're constantly figuring them out. It is like I told Taylor Townsend. It's like you just go like, all right, here's my new idea for how to do it. Yeah. And you just go, it's like it's like we only have these like fucking hooptie cars and we're like, I put tape under the chassis and I'm wrapping it around. And then I'm going to run it off of the peanut oil and you just go like, I'm going to meditate and then I'm going to exercise more. And then I'm but I'm not going to shoot and I'm going to live here. Yeah. And you just go like, I don't maybe in if it works for a year, fucking great. Yeah, great. Yeah. And I also have to when you when you're going through anxiety or depression, you feel like you're all alone and you the only one on earth experiencing it. But my therapist says like amoebas have anxiety. Every living creature experiences anxiety in some shape or form. It's the amount and how often you're facing it that makes it, you know, potentially crossing over into a small order. But like every like I used to feel all alone for many years. I felt all alone in my anxiety. But the world shares my pain. Not everybody. But not. Yeah. More than they say 10 percent. But it's like it's more than 10 percent. It's gonna be 90 percent. Well, when you start talking about other people, like, have you ever had a panic attack? Like, fuck yeah. Yeah, my anxiety to the roof. If you had depressive spells, yeah. Like when you start talking to people about it, you're like, oh, I'm not I'm not alone. And also my therapist will be like, you do pranks where people are pulling knives out on you and chasing you with your dick and balls out in the middle of the street. Like that's anxiety provoking you. It's OK to feel you're a bitch. If you feel anxiety, you're a fucking bitch. And do you want this or not? Do you want to have? Do you want to get picked up for a fifth season or not? Can you imagine the worst therapist? So anxiety has been with me my whole life when it really started to show up was when I was about 23, 24. I started having panic attacks and anxiety attacks. Where? I was living in New York. I was living in Brooklyn. I was unemployed. I was just out of acting school. And they were they would crush me. They would come out of nowhere for no, mostly for no reason. Sometimes for a reason. How did you figure out what the reasons were? One of the reasons, one of the triggers was on, you know, when you're taking New York subways and it's just you're like, and it just stops and it just goes off. And it just goes, yeah. And it's just like deathly quiet. I would start to get a panic attack like we're going to die. I'm going to get crushed. The East River, which is above my head, is going to fall down. And sweat would start pouring down my forehead. My heart would just start pounding. My muscles would start flexing and I couldn't catch my breath. And I was certain I was going to pass out. Fortunately, at that point, I had had many of these dozens of these. The first couple of ones I was on the verge of calling an ambulance. I think once I did call an ambulance and then canceled it because I thought I was having a heart attack. You're on the street at this point. You're not in the subway. Yeah, that was just at home. And sometimes they would just happen for no reason, like watching TV, reading a magazine and all of a sudden this panic attack would come on. And I would feel like I'm going to die. So shortness of breath, tunnel vision, throw tight, palpitation, sweating. And I was in I had just started therapy and, you know, got diagnosed kind of with an anxiety disorder. And then it's been 20, 30 years of unpacking like, you know, my mom took off when I was a year and a half old. My parent, my dad got instantly remarried in a really unhappy and some would say kind of abusive home situation. And anytime you have kind of like a an abandoned kid living in kind of a rage filled, loveless home, that's a recipe for anxiety. You know, because you don't know you don't have a permanency like. Oh, shoot, what's going to happen next? Yeah, the foundation is. Foundation is barely there. So the panic attacks went away, but I've been dealing with and a lot of like stuff around, which I've talked a lot about. I don't really want to get into too much about, you know, drug and alcohol abuse. But I'm poly addicted and anything is porn. I had a gambling phase, you name it. Whatever I can do to try and medicate that anxiety. I realized that that was a source of the addiction stuff, too. So nowadays I liken myself as someone that has diabetes, where you've got to like take your blood pressure and your blood sugar and you've got to monitor and go into the doctor every once in a while. And it's just it's something I can live with and something I can even thrive with. But I've got to be very, very careful about it because it can take the reins and and also it can kind of make me a dick. And there was many years where my I would let my anxiety run the show, especially on workaholism, which is an addiction that not a lot of people talk about. You know, the my call. It's like the good one. You mean you love to grind? Yeah. Yeah. I love to grind too much. I remember back when I used to read Vanity Fair, they would always have in the back like some Titan billionaire. Yeah. And it would be like and he's got four divorces and he never sees his kids. Yeah. But he's made all this money and started all these businesses and he works 87 hours a week. And he's like, oh, we're supposed to look up to this is a titan of industry, you know, a job creator again. That's not even Vanity Fair or it's all of American culture. Now it's every podcast. Yeah. How are you going to grind? Yeah. Yeah. You need to drink juice and fucking cold sauna or cold plunge. And then you'll you're going to be a star. Here's how you build your audience. Yeah. And whatnot. So but anxiety feeds into that like approval, show business. You know, wanting acceptance and people pleasing, it's all connected. I accidentally spewed the fact that I was suffering from something called OCD on the Howard Stern show. What year was that? Nineteen ninety nine ninety eight. Yeah, I was just going to guess that. Yeah, it was on the E show. No, it was on his radio. Right now, but they would air it on me. And maybe they don't know if this was I don't know if this was aired on E. I've told the story many times, but he was I was in there like he did on his radio show. He always had like multiple guests on it once and he had the guy on that was from puppetry of the penis. The guy was doing things with his dick. And I started focusing. I had already gone to a therapy and I had OCD. This is a long time before the Me Too movement. Men used to do puppetry with their penis before Me Too. You could people love it. You're not allowed to do that? Not as much. No, I think they're allowed to. And you're just not allowed to have a subordinate. You can't. You have to tell them. You have to tell them ahead of time. Well, they can't do the. You have to announce it. I need you. You they. She's operating the. Anyway, the point that I'm making is that I I couldn't. I saw the guy touching his dick and then leave. And I was just focused on the door because he had touched the door. It was in the summer. I'm wearing short sleeves. He finished his interview with me and I said, he said, you can whatever I can go now. And he said, and I said, can somebody open the door? I don't want to touch the door. They got touched this dick and I don't want to touch the door. They go open the door. I go, no, I went to grab some tissue to open the door with the tissue. They knocked that out of my hand. I went to open it with my shirt. Somebody knocked. I literally thought you were going to say you open it with your deck. Go ahead. This is my puppet. But I I I started to hyperventilate and I was having an anxiety attack. And I said to Howard, I said, I know this is funny. I get it, you know, I get it. But I I I'll be totally honest with you. I've been to a psychiatrist and I've been diagnosed with something called obsessive compulsive disorder and I take medication and I'm about to pass out. So if you don't open the door for me, then somebody should call 911 because I can't I'm this close to not being conscious. And he said, sorry, and he opened the door and I walked out in the hall and I realized I heard in the speakers in the hall, they were still broadcasting. I thought we were in a commercial break. So, you know, this was a national radio show. Yeah, that's what I said. Oh, wow. And my heart fucking dropped into my stomach and I was beside myself. Who knows at this point, your family? That's the list and probably Yeah, that's it. No, just my family, just my wife, really. I didn't even tell the kids, but I thought, oh my God, this just got nationally broadcast. So this is the end. This is the end. I never felt like the end of the fucking world. And for many reasons, first, this is getting broadcast nationally. So my whole family is hearing it. My kids are of school age. They're gonna have to go to school the next day and everybody's gonna know that their father is a mental case, which is a big piece of news, number one. And so everybody I love is going to be humiliated aside from me. Now that I've kind of said that I'm on medication and I go to a psychiatrist who's ever gonna hire me. You know, when you do television shows and movies, you always have a doctor come and give you a physical beforehand. And now I've kind of let it out of the bad. It's even worse. I have mental health issues. Why would you hire me? Why would you put me in million dollar productions? If I could flip out at any moment, you don't know what can happen. Well, we know the answer because Ellen passed. Go ahead. So that was my mind. I said, like, what's the best thing to do? You know, I'll go downstairs. It's New York and I'll just run into the traffic. And I've never felt more dark and more alone than in that moment. And the elevator door, the elevator went to the bottom and the elevator door opened and you see the streets of Manhattan teaming the busiest place on earth. And I've never felt more alone and more lonely and I'm walking toward the doors, toward the traffic and the sliding doors. They look automatic doors open and I step out on the sidewalk and I'm just taking a breath and maybe looking for a countdown to run into the traffic. And some guy comes into my periphery. I didn't turn my head and he goes, are you Howie Mandel? And I said, yeah. And he said, were you just on Howard Stern? And I went, yeah. And I don't think my heart could have dropped any further. And right before I took the first step, he goes, and this is before this movement, he goes, me too. And I went, what does that mean? And he goes, no, I have issues too. You were talking about the same thing I have. Thank you. I said, thank you for what? He goes, I suffer from this too. And it was the first time it was like somebody threw me a life preserve. I go, you really it's not just me, it's you. And there was a stranger and that was like this weight got lifted off my fucking shoulder. And at that time there was no wifi. We didn't have the internet. I went home and in the subsequent weeks, every day I got 50 letters and mail from people going, I heard you on Howard Stern, thank you so much. I heard you on Howard Stern. And as much as these people claim that it helped them, I can't tell you how much these messages helped me. So the biggest savior, the biggest opening of a huge block in my life is words, words. And that's why you doing this podcast is really, really important. It's not only, I told you, I listened to it. People tell me every, I get messages every day. People thanking you for doing it. I was really honored that you would ask me to be part of it. I love you, I love what you do. And I love the special, but I just think that the fact that you've created a forum because I know how much this helped me. Yeah. A forum where people are open. And it's also, it's probably still staggering to you how many people it are like living their you in the elevator. And then someone like you, in this case, it's OCD in my case, depression or people who have anxiety or Taylor Thompson talks about, you know, or Milani, Taylor talks about bipolar and Milani talks about drug addiction and all these things people are like, fuck, oh yeah. Well, I don't think there's anybody alive, any human being that at some point in the span of their life, they're not going to need a coping skill. You know, things like OCD and clinical depression and bipolar and schizophrenia are manageable issues. You know, if taking care of, it's hard to find where you can get that managed. That's the other thing. And they're debilitating. But beyond that, you know, just the life is hard. And I think that people have a hard time coping and they don't go, you know, becoming a parent is the most overwhelming thing that's joyful, but it's also, there's a lot of pressure. Losing, you know, you talk about the economy, losing a job, not being able to pay your rent. Dealing with what you're doing with your mother. Dealing with what I'm dealing or dealing with the loss of loved ones and family members and dealing with the trauma of your upbringing and dealing with, there isn't anybody alive and it's so unbelievable to me and I say this a lot that we don't take care of our mental health the way we take care of our dental health. And if somebody, you know, you'll go to the dentist and get x-rays and go, look mom, no cavities. There's nothing wrong and you're getting checked. Why is it not part of our curriculum where we can just openly talk or go to somebody or go to somebody and find out, get coping skills and figure it out. And I think that that would be the solve to most of our world's problems. Hey, did you like that? Did you like that? Yeah, did you like it though? You want more? Don't want to work? Would rather watch videos of me grab acid with people. First of all, go up here to subscribe and then go up here to watch more clips. This is like when the weatherman says there's a high pressure system coming in. I'm not really used to the green screen.