 Y254. Imagine. For sticking to Y254 TV, my name is Sheryl Blessing and this is Power Talk. And right before we went on our break, we were trying to understand how we can build long-lasting relationships that end into marriage. So joining me is we have Catherine Carrera and Alan Lawrence. And they were just enlightening us on some of the things that you need to do before you get into relationships, which the main thing is understanding yourself. If you're lonely and you think being in a relationship will solve that, it will not. If you have financial issues, a relationship will not solve that. You have to be complete in yourself and then get into a partnership, which you can build into something that is long-lasting. So in line with that, can we discuss some of the conversations that we need to hold with our partners before we decide that this is the man of my dreams? Catherine, what are some conversations you had with your husband before you got to accept his proposal? Ah, good. At 29, I did not want a boyfriend. I wanted a man to marry me. So we had to look into the future. How many children? Where are we going to settle? Actually, the biggest question I ask him is, are there snakes where you come from? So you have to go to the nitty-grittest of the same. But again, as you go to the nitty-grittest of the same, you must make sure that you don't tell everything. Make sure that you don't remove every skeleton in the cupboard. Leave some there. You take them to the grave. Don't come and tell your man that I have aborted 12 babies. No. It will be used against you. So look at what you want, where you want to go in life. But again, you know that time, because now you're feeling Paragasha, even thinking logically will not help you. You want to be the cool, nice girl. You cannot even blow your nose and the gentleman cannot step on a fly. So you have to know what you're getting yourself into. The earlier you get to know where he's coming from, the better for you. So that you don't find yourself related to this guy. I'm from Kirinyaga, and my great-grandfather had 46 wives. So I quickly said, I quickly said I will not marry from Kirinyaga. So you have to set terms for yourself, but don't set terms that are going to quenonga your chances. Then be open-minded. Don't be like the girls today that want to look at the wallet. Is there a wallet? Money comes. And the Bible says that whoever fights a wife, fights a good thing and obtains favor. So young lady, if you have a gentleman that is looking at you and saying, can I? And he doesn't have anything to consider. Unfortunately now we have Akina Alan that wants to be kuekua or fuguwa. They want to be fuguwa. So you have to weigh. And the only way you can weigh, get to know five friends of Alan. Don't ask him to show you. Because your friends will speak about who you are by character. So as you ask each other those things, also commit to it. You're not coming in as a, he's not buying us food. You know the way you walk? No. It is, as he said, partnership. You have to meet somewhere and agree. Then I also want to quickly say that a relationship and marriage is not a two people show. That is why now you hear on TikTok, somebody says, I married my father without knowing. Immediately you get to know that this gentleman now I think I can say I do start visiting. And because Alan told us to visit with our clothes on, bring somebody else. Bring somebody else so that you visit in a crowd. Because you know body's talk. When you're in love, they all talk. And so you have to make sure that you also protect your integrity. As you visit each other, the earlier you get to see the negative side, the better. And we all have a negative side. And I want to say this in relationship, whatever you ignore grows. True. Those are the red flags. Do you see a red flag that you are so sure you cannot accommodate? Do not sweep it underneath the carpet. Because when you sweep it underneath the carpet, when you get married, you are going to be in trouble. So you must make sure you have searched yourself. You have searched him. You have invested time and quality. Our times when we were dating, there was only chips. Chips for 20 Bop. And I used to buy and walk to Hurupak. But nowadays you're saying, if he's not driving a car, I will not see him. Cars are acquired. Well, he's also acquired. And they cannot vanish. So you must make sure that you look at the heart of every person. And when I talk about the heart, it's very hard for you to see the heart. When you're feeling... But now you have to make sure that after you have done who you think, the way Alan told us, when you go to buy that lunch, I don't know why you take the dates now. The way they treat the waiter, okay? Or even if they are driving a car, how they will talk in church if they are coming. And if somebody says, I don't want my pastor to know about you. That's a red flag. Please. Then as I finish, please do not be driven by desperation. Because when you're desperate, you tend to do other more desperate things. And normally say, desperation will make you desperate things that are going to leave you desperate in the desperation of man. Now, come yourself. Amen. And that's how you find that. Unfortunately... Because that was well said. You know, unfortunately these days, as you said, we prioritize the physical aspect. We want someone with a six-power who drives a Range Rover with five million in the account. I want a six-figured, salaried guy. Yeah. You'll get the deal himself. Six, sixty-six. Because there are so many sixes there. I want a man who drives my sister advice. You'll find them way back to yours. Amen. I like that. Because if you yourself are working towards financial stability, if you have a car, you have a stable job, you are spiritually advanced and mature, then it's very easy for you to align with someone who's the same because we attract who we are. That's the reality of life. So as you talked about self-disclosure, there's no future for you. There's no future for you. Yes. Now, unfortunately, these days people hide families. They hide whole spouses and, you know, things that will affect the marriage when you're with kids later on. There's this popular show now that is on showmax, I believe. And the show is about someone who hid another family. So after his death, the family comes about and you realize, oh, dad had a whole other wife, children. So Alan, tell us, because sometimes, unfortunately, it's the men who do move the hiding. What would you advise in regards to self-disclosure? What should you hide and what do you need to conceal? First of all... What do you need to expose, I mean? Sorry. Perfect. You know, one thing, if a person can hide even like, let's say they have a child in the past, if they can hide this child, that they cannot introduce this child, then you have to have all reasons to flee from this person because that is not even a red flag, that is a red sea, because sincerely... Do not cross the sea. Do not. Because it is the most important... This is the most important person in their life as well. So if they tend to hide those things. So the other thing, what people need to hide, especially what is the essence of you not to expose, is like today if you get to cut an onion directly, you know, utalia sana. You understand what I'm trying to say? So the gist of it is a person sitting, trying to unveil yourself slowly by slowly, by slowly so that this person can gain more interest to search you because a person who has more interest about you, they will go away to be able to dig information about you, not that they want you just to labor, because if we are sitting today in this setup, you start blah, blah, you know, I have these, all those things, I'll get bored. Men, we are project oriented. Men, we go after projects. We go after what excites us. We go to places where there is competition. I strive to get something. But if you lay bare for me, then I will lose interest. That's when you wonder, after two dates, then I'm no longer interested with you. What's enough is when we sleep, we are like, there is no interest. Because there's also the burnout. You've exhausted all the information that you could share. And as we've talked about, this is someone you're getting to know. For three months, five months, you're getting to know someone. And if you finish, that's when you even get the temptation of being sexual. And you're like, to show and get to know my business. So I want to go on Facebook where you've written me some of your comments. Thank you for that. I'll start with Missy Waidara who says, Hi, Missy. Amazing discussion right there. For me, I think to build a long lasting relationship is by one, knowing who you are and what you stand for, your beliefs and aren't, what makes you you is very important. That's a good point. I like that. The second one is having the right foundation. If born again, let God be at the middle of your every move. You're watching us from Naivasha as Santi Sanatana Missy for that. That's very informative. And we have Bad Culture who says, just before giving an easy to understand where you are needed to do so, at least talk about later life with your partner. Thank you for that. That's also important because Derek Murumbi says, trust and discipline are all evaporated from the generation of Jezebel. That's unfortunate, but it's also true, Derek. Karani Donferon says, following from Outa Meru, thank you so much for following us. We have Moas Waimba who says in, thank you for tuning in. Dennis Nyongasa says, watching Niki Wahapa Namusi in Bungoma County, what matters a lot is trusting in each other. That is true. If you have trust, then you can build something long lasting. Waweru Waqibod says, following. Thank you so much for following us, Waweru. Gift Mutunga says, respect and communication. That's important. Those are two main ingredients that you need. Mutuku Kituka Wanzeni says, thank you so much for tuning in. Makboz Miras Fulani Omosh says, respect is all that matters. That's true. I find that for men, they value respect. Don Dada says, I'm in sana. Thank you so much for all the comments. None of what you want to watch from all over Kenya. We appreciate you. Bado and Eliah, if you have a question, if you have a comment, write to me. Even on my personal pages, we will sample that as we progress with the show. And I like the aspect of respect, communication, and knowing yourself. It is important to know yourself because if you're getting into a relationship now, what are you bringing to the table? What are you offering to add value? People hate the question of what are you bringing to the table. There's something Omosh said about respect. No matter what you do as a lady to a man, a man does not understand love. That's the sad reality. Most women get so much frustrated because you try to love a man. A man is never loved. A man understands love as respect. So, endeavor all your life to respect this person. The moment you respect this person, it is their duty now to love you. Yes, that is well said. I think that's one of the secrets that sometimes we don't find out about. You want to love bomb someone, cook for them, clean. And you wonder, why is he not proposing? Yes. But it's about respecting the man, making him feel like he is the man, you know. And I want to talk about values and beliefs because we've talked about even the standards are in alignment with our values, our personal values. If you have different values, is it possible at all to make things work? Catherine, what do you think? As you have said that you have washed for him and you have cooked for him and he's not proposing. Where are you when you're washing and cleaning for him? But why are you washing for this person? Where are you? I like the question. So, as he told us to visit with our clothes on, but at the time you're washing and cleaning, you have compromised. You must make sure that you protect yourself. Besides now, man wanting value, respect, he also want to chase you as a girl. Thank you. So you must make sure you don't stay here at the edge to be touched, to be looked at and everything else. Make sure that you are available, but don't put yourself on the plate to be eaten raw. What are the values are we talking about here? And I want to go a little bit deeper to help the society. We need to know that as I had said earlier about sex, it's only called sit down. So you have to tell them that I cannot do the sit down one, the behind one. I see he's looking at me and ordering now what. You have to value yourself to that level. You have to value yourself as a girlfriend not to go in and wash those things. You have to value yourself so much that you don't compromise the God that you believe in. I believe in Jesus Christ. Then you cannot now go and date somebody who does not ascribe to him. Because if he does not ascribe to your God, you are making the other God your father-in-law. So you must make sure that you value yourself so that even when you go out for a drink, if he doesn't pay for the drink, you can pay for the drink yourself. Do not just be there. And then again, lower your expectations and increase your praise. The other day, somebody asked me, how come we have so many single mothers and what is happening? And I said, unfortunately, these people behave like a crocodile. It will go where the exile gives life, the male one does not even remember it did. But again, now I'm saying, if you are so casual with sex, we become casualty. Because what you take casually will make you a casualty. Value yourself. Do not lower your standard so much because you're desperate. But again, if it has happened and you have had the sex and you have even conceived, stop saying that I aborted for my boyfriend. Abortion is murder. Abortion is a crime. Abortion will torment you. These gentlemen will not even remember he had a baby. But the scars that we don't see take longer to heal. So he's also hurting. So you have to make sure that you carry yourself as a fragile thing. But again now, statistics are telling us something that is very worrying. We look at the male jails in Nairobi. We have committed, we have in Australia. And we look at the women one. We have one. So we see that there are so many of the gentlemen that have gone to jail. Where I come from, we heard, okay, the Nakuru they have what they call confirmed, those illegal groupings. Very many young men died there. Also the illicit blue. Very many men have died there. So don't just sit there and say, I cannot marry my tribe. Be open-headed. It's a male. And he has everything there. And he has scribes to God. Go for it. It's about the character. It's about the value. It's about the human being. Do not value what they are bringing on the table. The table will be set. And the bringings will come. I like this. Catherine is giving us gems of information today. And that is so true. If you value yourself, the man will automatically value you as well. Now, I see you have an opinion. So let me ask you a question and then you can add on to that. So the way she's talked about, you're aware with our generation, we have the standards. I want a woman who's like this and it's both male and female. And unfortunately, some of these standards, men are even telling you, I want you to give me a child and you will cry with that child. You will cry with that child? So tell our viewers at home standards what standards should we insert into relationships that will help us form healthy relationships. Wow, perfect. She talked of something very important. Why are we having ladies on the streets or why are we having ladies complaining that there are no men to marry them and everything? So what's the solution? Who can buy the cow and if they're getting the milk free? So the moment this supply of sex is being reduced, I'm telling you men will get to commit. But men are getting the low fruits easily, so who wants to commit? No one. So it is a high time that people value themselves. Put a VAT to your value. You get? For a person to get to you, the reason as to why you'll continue to stay in your parent's compound for long. So it is high time for you to know your value. The question should be even today. No matter how beautiful, no matter how handsome a person a corpse is, you will not go marrying that corpse. So the same case to a relationship. Today you find this person doesn't have any value, doesn't have any respect especially for us men. I don't have any respect for women whatsoever. Then you want me to value you in a relationship, it will not happen. The kingdom of God operates on principles. So like patterns in the life of this person, is this person open enough to talk about their excess? Because patterns in relationships are the prophecy of their future. You get? This person has more than two baby mamas and you expect this person to commit and to you. What makes you think you are special? So we have to reach to that point, check the track record of this person. So back to what you are saying about the kind of value, you talked about value, it is now about your personal integrity and personal value. Where do you guys meet? So it is not a must that this person should be tall, dark and handsome. There are some of the things you can be able to compromise. But the most important thing is about their value system. The fabric that holds the two of you together. Does this person value you as a human being in the first place? Does this person value your parents? Does this person respect people around them? So those are the key components that you have to look at. So do not compromise about. Then the other thing is, as a woman I will talk more about women. As a woman, you are not only a helper you get. You have your personal aspirations and you get to a point you guys tend to say like oh, because I will not buy a car, I will not climb my career ladder. Excuse me. Do all those things. An assertive man, a man who is comfortable will let you shine on your path. We will be able to meet you at your element. So do not compromise your standard so that you can be able to accommodate a man. A true man will meet you in your full element. So do not sit there saying I will not go for a second degree. I will not go to school so that I attract a man. And you see I like that you have said that because earlier today I read I had this video actually of someone saying when a man is insecure your success will threaten you. But when a man is secure in himself he will not go for a second degree. He will want to push you to greater heights. Now because our time is running out. We are looking for women who are good in board rooms not only in bed rooms. And it's value addition. It's a partnership. If you're educated and I'm educated it's adding value to us as a unit. So let's talk about vulnerability before I want us to finish with finances because finances are important in relationships as well. What is vulnerability? At what point Catherine because you told us you have to know what to say and what not to say. At what point do you start disclosing things that may be affected in the past? Maybe you have daddy issues. Perhaps you had someone who raped you as a child unfortunately. Is it okay to open up about these things? And at what point do you open up about things that are close to your heart? The good thing is nowadays you have women everywhere available. Seek one. Walk with them before you tell these gentlemen. Because you know you're emotionally now connected. So you will start crying all over him and he's going to wonder now am I getting a baby that is always crying. So before you empty yourself to this man make sure that you have you have healed okay because you're not going to look at him as a healer. He could also be battling other things. Even when that time comes we don't read a book all pages together. We go one step by step and I want to quote the word of God. The word of God says that homes are built on the foundation of wisdom and understanding. Where there's knowledge. So you have to have wisdom. You have to understand. You have to be a you have to have a footed foundation and then now you can be able to say it but even as you say it all you have to make sure that you understand the person. So that he'll never use it against you when you're dating. If your man ever slaps you when you're dating. Only ever slams a door on you when you're dating. Please let it is here there and normally say do not allow a fool to kiss you or a kiss to fool you. Do not be fooled by the kisses that you said run for your life. Now when you say I do when you say I've married now there you can negotiate on what to say and on what not to say and you know men are straight things. You know these people they lived with the animals in the garden so they easily would want to live as animals so you can tell them something they'll hit back on you when I got married at 29 we never conceived until after a few years and I remember my sister my sister-in-law came and said because I had just come from Europe and I said we have done all what we can but the baby has not come. Assuming I had said I said I want to say this as you get into marriage look at yourself like you're living in a glass house people that are living glass houses blessing they don't throw stones because one stone back it crashes so you must make sure that you know the right time when to empty yourself. So that's you have to apply wisdom and understanding of the situation and your person and heal so that you're not looking at your personas I want you to heal me from this situation because that's another thing unfortunately these days we seek our partners to compliment or actually not even compliment to be the person that if I didn't have a father I want you to be my father I want you to be my therapist which is wrong because you're putting a burden on your partner. Now I want to end up with finances because I know these days we have issues because women are earning as much as men and men are feeling like women should share or go 50-50 on bills and things like that. Lawrence what do you think does the financial status of individuals affect the gender roles that they play in the marriage? For me what I understand is money or other finances are not everything but it is the only thing if it is going to facilitate more love for these relationships so it is just an enhancement and it's not even about the finances as per say it's about the attitude you guys are having towards finances whereby you're financially vulnerable and to you you'll be able to help me to plan because maybe I'm a good server and you're a good spender so we need to see where do we now strike the balance. I can be working making the money then you help me in terms of budgeting and it only comes to one thing about our maturity level. Am I mature enough and secure enough to help this person help me to be able to propagate myself towards achieving that because remember this person is not here to compete with me they're here to be able to complement me to help me grow in purpose to help me grow in all the departments of my life. You cannot be Alicia die you cannot be the alpha and the omega you understand you cannot be good at everything you get so you have to let your partner shine in the area that they have to shine and grow together so yes so it's understanding your strengths and your weaknesses if your partner is better at financial planning and what not come on when you are shopping you take that so I also want to talk about people who ask for money you know these men are skeptical about sending fair and sending what not because they assume women just eat money so but when should I send you fair that's the thing I want us to understand should you send your your the person that you're trying to get should you send them fair should you say I want you to come see me this is money for your car to come here or when they ask is it a problem Catherine what do you think we need to invest in the relationship I have to bring myself there then at least tell me Catherine can I pay you back thank you okay at least come come come he told us something it is partnership I want to make it a round ball a ball cannot be complete with half side so please let us come from that area of sending fair but I also want to understand you to understand what money is money is not only physical money is very spiritual that is why we can ask you because money is energy okay it is sweat blood I have to so you have to agree that you come whatever you are then from there we can negotiate but again now we are looking at women that want to dig gold okay gold diggers and others that want wealth transfer you have to understand them before you commit to say that come let them come and you don't know what there is my three they are very comfortable when I came to Nairobi I am a village girl when I came to Nairobi I used to live in their place that place they do 34 you don't know it they jump and jump so here people are moving number three that is comfortable okay you get yourself there he told us when you rush you will crash get yourself there to some money do you know are you coming to eat or you are coming to go and you know nowadays it is the media I am sure even when you saw my name your mother made try try and understand them I want to tell the men that they need to apply the hawk eyes you know the hawk you know a Jew a hawk eye you have to study and the way you have said I agree with you you have to be willing to invest because if I am agreeing to come to you but I am not willing to give even 50 bob for fair then do I really like you you know so I want us to read questions someone has posted so the first one is someone who is watching us Rastvini is watching from Buhoro village buterre sub-county to Kopa Moja as Santisana Ras Marsman K.E. says hey blessing a Marsman and the conversation is well going but I can't understand my relationship since no communication and distance is there I love her so much but I am losing myself in it we can hit even a week without hello I am feeling like I am working I am feeling like working away from the relationship since it is so draining to me right now Asap what is the best advice please from Matu Yata Machakos Asantimas no no Alan Alan Kwanda me washu anayio so maybe we can get advice from the man and then we can get started to finish without advice here the thing is there is no proper commitment in a relationship if there is no communication so communication is very key a person who values you they will be able to create time they will free time to talk to you but a person who does not value you they will only talk to you at their free time so you need to you need to get your priorities right so if this person is serious about you they will be able to ensure that at least they I don't mean that they they beat they are nagging you love bombing you know is you see the level of commitment in them and the level of sacrifice because it is not even about that communication like for example she was saying she was out of the country maybe she was dating like the husband and the husband is here so there is an aspect of time difference for her even to sacrifice an hour to talk to this person you see it is it takes sacrifice because she is serious to invest in this so you only harvest where you invest so if you are not investing in this relationship then it will not work it takes two to tangle so you cannot think that you are in this relationship and yet you are trying to resurrect the dead it is only God who can do it you are working by yourself because it seems like the guy is trying but the lady is not trying and they have there is the issue of communication and distance Catherine what will you advise our young man he is an actress a relationship as I had said earlier commitment devotion and willing and I am also of the idea because I am a bad texture I say that to everyone but when I am interested I will take the time I will make the effort so if there is no effort being made I am really sorry but there are so many fish in the sea if that one has gone here in Meander look for the next one but before he ends now that is why we get a mistake he has to heal you must make sure that you heal out of this relationship again I go back to the bible the word of God says when Samson flew from Gaza in the middle of the night soon after he fell in love with Delilah so you must heal from one relationship before you eat another one otherwise you will be going through cycle over and over again yes so just to add on about the healing you need to understand and agree that meant for us we get out of our relationship then we begin to heal so the moment a lady gets out of this relationship they have already gone through the healing process that is why a lady can break up with me today and get married tomorrow you get and it can be okay with her but for me as a man I can think that I am okay but yet I will start healing in that relationship yet I am hurting this lady in this relationship and yet this relationship will not serve me so let me cut in even this lady that looks like they have healed they have married with a baggage and that baggage will crush this marriage you just have to address the pain and the failure so that you move on so because time is not on our side let's just get some parting shots to umber to 30 seconds or less before we are cut off Catherine thank you what's your parting shot for our guest the ladies for watching you and they want to form lasting relationships and get to marriage invest in that relationship if the man does not have anything the anything will come do not look at the man and say Han and Yuma by the way Yuma comes when we feed them do not look at the man and say they don't know how to dress ours we should have seen them those times lady I want to tell you this the clock is ticking lower you expectations increase your pressure thank you that is very well said so Alan what is your parting shot this evening for the men who are looking for relationship serious Nairobi what can you tell them brother what I can tell you is be comfortable in your own skin and the moment you begin to to see the red flags please do not try to paint them to your preference sometimes treat these people the way they are showing you but do not treat them the way you want to see them and by so doing you lower your expectations and the moment you lower your expectation that is the moment you are going to lower your level of frustrations in life thank you thank you so much I have loved our guests today you are enlightened and you have given us information that I hope our audience come and judge who you are understand yourself know your expectations manage them and look for the person who reacts so I want to read our parting shot because time is not on our side and the quote says