 So don't look at one offs. We're all human. We all make mistakes We can all let our friends down from time to times or we could be let down by the humans in our life But values show up in consistent behavior patterns So what we're looking for here is over time is this person adding happiness to your life Or is this person taking away happiness from your life? What's up everybody and welcome to the show today We drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that You're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends Yeah, so there is no very official definition for a toxic person or a toxic relationship So the one that I propose or the one that I use as a guideline is is that person taking away happiness and Purpose from your life and that usually makes them fairly easy to identify the the user either take a hit on your happiness or on on your purpose and Most of what you'll the role you'll most likely see those toxic people in is that they usually speak up the moment you Propose a change you want to change make a change in your life You want to get a promotion you want to work on your health you want to get a business started What whatever that change might be and that's when those toxic relationships usually show that that red light and they and they step in and They step in usually for for two reasons. The first one is sort of subconsciously Egoistic the moment I change you AJ might feel a little bad because you should too right the moment I say hey AJ I'm going to the gym. I signed up for this like ultimate ultimate membership, whatever and The other personnel might think okay. This puts a little bit of pressure on me and And the other the other way that toxic people show up is that they They are worried that you leave their life If I am start going to the gym every day from here and out and then I'm going to eat salad for the rest of the week Maybe our nights in the pub are a thing of the past and that's when you know, baby again usually unconsciously Throw wrench into the gears to try and stop us developing It's certainly an important point to make that it's not necessarily coming from a place of malice Most of these toxic relationships are not going to be sociopaths They're not going to be people who are actively out to harm you, but it's subconsciously They're either feeling judged based on your change and a change in your relationship or They're feeling afraid that you are going to leave them behind as you're evolving And I know we've talked about this a few times on the podcast but I love to think of our lives is seasons and There are going to be people in your life that are in the right place for the right season and as you change and grow they may no longer be a great fit for your life and To caveats that we always talk about when it comes to toxicity number one is that it's on a spectrum So there are small and subtle ways that someone can be toxic for you holding you back from the change you're looking for or holding you from reaching your purpose or They could be really actively Pursuing damage to your physical or mental well-being So as we go through today's episode and we start identifying some of these signs Really take a look at not only the people in your life, which is easy to do But also take a closer look at your own behaviors and the way you're showing up in Relationships because some of us may not realize that we're showing up in toxic ways with other people So this is not necessarily a judgment on just those in our life This is a great opportunity for you to self-assess and take a look at how you're showing up in the relationships that matter in your life The last caveat we love to make is that toxicity is context dependent. What does that mean? Well, it means that just because you're toxic for me doesn't mean you'll be toxic for Johnny or doesn't mean you'll be toxic for Michael So when we label a toxic relationship, we're not saying that person is Terrible and no one should be friends with them We're just saying that we want to limit our exposure our time our effort and energy in that relationship as it is damaging our mental health It's crossing boundaries and it's not allowing us to grow in meaningful ways. Well, I want to add to this as well that It certainly doesn't have to be somebody who's malicious or has malice towards you to be toxic as you were mentioning But they're subscribed to a worldview that's incompatible with your worldview Therefore they have values that are important to them that Go against your values or at least rub against them in the wrong way And so if you don't share a worldview and you're not striving for the same values Well, it's difficult to grow together. It's difficult to see the world in the same manner and this is why values and creating Some things like company culture around values is so important because these are the things you lean on and When you have strong values, you don't even need rules We understand what's important to each other and then I could observe those same values for myself as well as those same values for AJ and Michael and If those values are different, it's going to be difficult for us to get along or see things in the same way And the way values show up is consistent behavior patterns So don't look at one-offs. We're all human. We all make mistakes We can all let our friends down from time to times or we could be let down by the humans in our life But values show up in consistent behavior patterns So what we're looking for here is over time is this person adding happiness to your life Or is this person taking away happiness from your life? Can they not be happy for you or are they accepting of your values all the time? sometimes or never and if it's really never if you're constantly butting heads over your values or when you're Announcing your goals or sharing what your aspirations are with people and they are constantly judging you or criticizing you These are the signals that we're looking for when it comes to toxicity, but I know I've had bad days I know I've let my friends down it from time to time it happens So we're not here to write anyone off just based off of one action or behavior We drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to Do that you're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends I want to give an example of this that we've all Contend with so in this company. We have myself Michael and AJ here doing a zoom and We all value Time and we all value being punctual that's important to us AJ and I are both from the Midwest So that's sort of ingrained in us from living in and I'm German. So here we go Thanks for ruining my joke Michael. I was going to get there, but so these things are incredibly important and So this allows us to get along very well however, if we have a teammate who is not interested in punctuality show or Sees time as important as we do we're gonna have a direct conflict That is going to throw us off from the work that we have to do It's going to throw us off from being our best now I certainly know from being on stage or coming in to do a podcast. I always like to be at my best I want to be refreshed. I want to be ready for it. I'm gonna fire myself up for it Everyone does what they need to do in order to be at their best to perform at a level that they feel comfortable with and they can be Pleased with but if you throw that wrench into the machine that wax That knocks everybody off and and now everyone's trying to figure out. How do we get through this? how do we find a way to and with different values to be at our best and this is quite difficult and Also want and I'm actually curious about your your opinion on on this agent Johnny I'm my my view on this is that I Personally don't care about all the values of all the people in my life like there are certain values I'm not willing to compromise on but others. I'm not gonna fight about for example for me as a personal value It's very important to live a vegan lifestyle and my friends like make fun of me about that all the freakin time But it's not something I'll fight about right? That's it's just it's not it's not worth my time and effort And I don't frankly care, but the moment it's about my my purpose my work as a coach like there My values become very important. So so there are some I really care and I fight for and others I I kind of I can't ignore if I have to what are your thoughts on that? I completely agree when it comes to hobbies and passions. I don't need you to love golf I don't need you to be an f1 fan for us to get along But when it comes to punctuality when it comes to being loyal when it comes to supporting me when I'm happy or sad that's far more important to me and It's funny that we're sort of now sharing personal anecdotes because I think we've all been in that situation where we have Created expectations and others Around these values we've looked for them to reciprocate in ways that we show up in Relationships and then when we haven't found it we've felt let down we felt hurt But the key here is that's a one-off behavior. That's a one-off feeling now If this is happening time and time again as we get to these seven signs of toxic people Then you want to start to question, you know, is this relationship really healthy for me? Is this relationship empowering me and allowing me to feel like the best version of myself or is this relationship? Disempowering me taking away from my mental health and happiness So let's talk a little bit about how we decide if someone's toxic There's really two questions that we want you to keep in mind Before we start with these seven signs The first question is quite frankly as Michael said earlier is this person adding happiness to my life Now hopefully this is a fairly easy question for you to answer as you go through Your social circle as you think about the people that you're spending time and investing your efforts in and those relationships And this includes friends that might be local that you can actually hang out with on the weekends and watch F1 Or this could be your workout buddy or the people that you're interacting with in Your clubs in your meet-ups even virtually so There are gonna be moments where people as I said earlier will let us down Might cause us to feel unhappy or to not enjoy our happiness But is this a repeated action time and time again? Is this someone who is taking away from your moment in the sun or your ability to enjoy life? And if it's that is the case Then you have to start to ask. Okay. Well, have I done a good job communicating? Have I been clear in my communication and my expectations or boundaries with this person? And sometimes we haven't done that so it's hard for the other person to balance how they should show up for us So in that right we have a gut feeling around happiness You should know when you're happy you should start to feel when you're unhappy And is this person that you're in a relationship with are they showing up and allowing you to fully express that happiness? I know as we've talked to some of our clients They're at times embarrassed or they don't feel comfortable Sharing what they're super excited about whether it be comic books or video games or F1 racing and Just because they don't feel comfortable sharing. They're not creating space for those relationships in their life to blossom So are you hiding your happiness from people in your life? Are you hiding those moments when you really feel alive and you're excited and enthusiastic? If so that could also be a sign that this person isn't the best fit for you And isn't the best fit for a relationship the issue there is vulnerability and for a lot of people They have been demoralized when it comes to Sharing their vulnerability sharing their excitement and because of that they don't even know when they're excited and It's that self-awareness that allows you to understand. I am excited I am happy and then the one to want to share that It seems that I run into weekly Somebody asking the question about what to do with toxic people in their life One of the reasons why we're doing this podcast today and For me when you ask that question It's almost a no-brainer. You've you've already decided that this person is not worth having in your life This person is making you unhappy Yet you are trying to figure out a way how to keep them in your life So you're living life in a reactive manner which To be Vulnerable to be excited to go after your dreams in order to make all of those things happen You have to live proactively. You can't live Reactively and then hope that things pan out in a good way that the dice fall your way you have to make those things happen and being a Self-aware is the first key step in that