 The Wrigley Company invites you to enjoy life. Life with Luigi, a new comedy show created by Cy Howard and starring that celebrated actor, Mr. J. Carol Nash with Alan Reed as Pasquale. You know, friends, Wrigley's Spearmint Gum is a typically American product that appeals to people of all ages and nationalities in all parts of our country. And the Wrigley people feel that Life with Luigi is a typically American radio program. A friendly, enjoyable show that sort of symbolizes the American spirit of tolerance and goodwill. So they're glad to bring you Life with Luigi each week and have you join them in this pleasant half-hours entertainment. And now let's read Luigi's letter as he writes about his adventures in America to his momobasco in Italy. Here's now the real winter season here and all the good Americans that they're very busy doing a one-a-thing. Catch in a cold. Here now is the season for colds and a cold to advertisements. All over you see signs that it's a, say, use of cough drops, ear drops and nose drops. And yesterday I see that I got something new for the mouth. That's called a gum-a-drops. But the best of all, there was a just discover brand new wonder drug. It's got something to do with the... Anathia histamino. This drug is so great it's a cure to cold even before you catch it. Only trouble is how you know when to take it if you don't know you ain't got it. Well I guess only thing to do is to take a penicillin and if it's a cure to then you know you had it. Anyway, mom and me, everybody's got a cold these days. Even in my country, Monopascuali. Right now he's laying in a bed and he must be very sick because in the last three hours he's never asking me once to marry his daughter Rose. So before I go to my night school to class, I'm gonna go into his spaghetti palace and see how he's feeling. Hello, Pascuali. Luigi, my friend. Hello, Luigi, hello, hello. Pascuali, if you're so sick, how are you talking so good? Last to boast the strength to before I die. Oh, I'm a feeler terrible. Pascuali, you gonna die? Yes, Luigi, I'm a got a high blood pressure, bigger fever, my heart is bad. One lung's not a work it's so good, my head's a feeler dizzy and I'm a two week evil to sit up. Well, why don't you spend a few dollars for a doctor? I'm not that sick. What a foe I'm a wanted doctor. Doctors, they only make you worse. I'm a had a friend, he's had a cold and what's happened? Doctors have given that a new pencil liniment and he's told him to get up every two hours all night and take this stuff. Well, this is a cure to his acolyte, isn't it? Sure, but from getting up all night he's a call to double pneumonia. Besides, Luigi, doctors can help me. My trouble is a mental. I'm a got a new disease, psichiatry. What are you talking about, Pascuali, you only got a cold. Yes, Luigi, but my cold is a mental, it's a coming from the head. That's right, you got a head to call. No, no, no, my trouble is a Freud, at a man's segment of Freud. When you read about this stuff, where you think you got something, you ain't got it, but all the time you had it because you got it when you was a little boy. Pascuali, you better lay down. I know what you're talking about. I'ma see all the kinds of new books that a doctor's writing about these things. I'ma saw one book last week. Everybody is abnormal in a clothing of you. That's so true. Also, there was another one, A How to be Happy Even Though You're Miserable. And at the end of it, there was another one, Be Gladly You're in a Sane. Pascuali, you meant to say you ain't really got a cold and what are you suffering about? Is it what they call, that's a funny new thing, that's something new. I think it's a new roses. That's right, that's right. My daughter, Rosa, she's a 27 years old and still a single. I'ma not suffer from a new roses, I'm a sufferin' from an older rose. What do you say, my son? Pascuali, I'ma not gonna marry your daughter. Luigi, you want I shoulda get sick or I shoulda be better? Pascuali, you want you shoulda be better and I shoulda get a sick? I ask you first. Luigi, say yes, so you're gonna see how fast my cold is gonna disappear. All right, goodbye, Papa. Goodbye, Papa. Quiet glass, please, all right, I'll call the roll now. Mr. Basko? Present. Mr. Horowitz? Present. Mr. Olsen? Present. Mr. Schultz? You have to ask. Mr. Schultz, in the future, just say present. But if I'm not here, what do I say then? You say nothing. No, me miss my big mouth. That's impossible. All right, class. Mr. Basko, do you have your hand raised? Well, Miss Spaulding, you know how I'm a no liker to miss a class. But in my country, I'ma Pascuali, he's a sick. A little while ago, I was a no talker nicer to him. And maybe I shoulda go home and I help to take care of him, huh? What's the matter with him, Luigi? He's got a bad cold. Oh, you be careful, Luigi, that's contagious. Pascuali might give it to you. Not a chance. Pascuali never gives away anything. Mr. Basko, is Mr. Pascuali so sick that you must leave class right now? Well, he's telling me himself on a kind of a fraud. He's got something that he's never really had, but when a russer was a little, she's giving my head to call in his a psychiatrist. Oh, Luigi, has that Pascuali got you for shimmelt? Don't you see, Pascuali is playing one of his tricks to win your sympathy, so you're going to marry Rosa. Just a minute, Jules. You have no reason to believe Pascuali is not really sick. Oh, no? No, tell me, Luigi, did Pascuali's end for a doctor? Well, no. Is Rosa taking care of him? No. Did he let you take his temper at you? Well, at that time, I'm going to ask him about it. Schultz, if a Pascuali is no sicker, then why is he laying in the bed? I don't know, but he ain't expecting to become a mother. Luigi, wait. Pascuali is only laying a trap so that you should marry his bear. Schultz, everybody, wait. Pascuali is the fellow who's, well, he's brought to me from all the country. He's been like a papa to me. And if he's a fellow sick, I'm going to take care of him. Luigi, you got right, but consider the facts. Pascuali will do anything to get you to marry Rosa. Yes, and he doesn't seem to show any of the symptoms of a cold. Yeah, and he has won over your sympathy so that you are liable to do anything. Now, just put two and two together, and what do you get? Huh? Just put two and two together, and what do you get? Four. Give that man ten silver dollars on a bag of spud nuts. All right, Luigi, I can see that nothing we say is going to stop you. But please take my advice. Watch out for that faker. Like the big bad wolf, he lays in bed waiting for you to come in like little red riding hood. Well, just be careful of one thing. What's that, Schultz? When Gramma Pascuali shows you his big ears, the water is starting to rise. When he shows you his big teeth, the flood is on. And when he shows you his big daughter, run for the hills. The dam is bursting. Hello, Pascuali. How are you feeling? Oh, come closer. The voice is familiar. Pascuali, it's me, Luigi. Can't you see? No, my boy, everything is growing darker, darker, darker. Pascuali, when I should lift up the shades and put on the lights. Nobody's asking you. Pascuali, what are you writing there? Letter? No, Luigi. That's in my will. Pascuali, you're writing a will in the dark? Yes. I'm a hate to see whom I'm a leave of my money to. Pascuali, when I went to my night school as class, they always said that you was a faker. And you're not really sick if you don't got a fever. Sure. So you go to everybody, ask about my health, except to me, poor fellow who's laying in bed. You don't believe I've got a fever, huh? Look at this air. I'm breathing out to how hot it is. That's right, Pascuali. You're so full of a hot air. That's a funny thing. When I'm a say it, it's a come out of different. Pascuali is only one way to find out if you've got a fever, so I'm a brought there. He's a thermometer. Come on, open up your mouth. I can't wait to, Luigi. What's the matter? Well, Luigi, the thermometer's got a lot of germs. You wouldn't want I should have died from those little Fahrenheit's. Pascuali, what do you want I should have do? Do like the doctors would do. Sterilize the thermometer. Boil it in the hot water. All right. But Pascuali, you ain't got to boil in the water here. Well, I've got to send my heart to the chicken soup on a stove. Dunk it in the thermometer and that. Huh? Sure. Then you can take my temperature and I can enjoy at the same time. All right, Pascuali. Here, I'm a pusher thermometer in the pot. Ooh, he's a hot thing. Yeah. Well, hold it in, Luigi. Don't take it out. All right, Pascuali. All right. You ready? Open up your mouth, Pascuali. Oh. That's right. Now, keep it closed until I count the ten. One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten. All right, then now I'm a looker. Pascuali, he's a darker here. How am I going to read this thermometer? I help you, Luigi. I hold the match under it. Yeah, I hold the match really close. Don't worry, thermometer is what they made from glass, a can of burn. Go ahead and read it now. What's the matter, Luigi? Pascuali, are you sure you ain't the dead? Why? The thermometer says 110 degrees. Let me look. Ooh, Luigi is a worser than I thought. Yeah, the thermometer is out of your mouth and it's still going up. Ooh, Luigi, I'm starting to sink. Here's the end. Pascuali, don't, don't give up. Please, please. Luigi, you doubted me and I'm a dyin'. Now, I don't know why you should have got through life thinking you murdered me. But what else can you think? No, no, Pascuali, please. Please, don't give up. How am I going to do anything if you live? Anything, Luigi? How am I going to promise you, Pascuali? All right, I'll live, I'll live. We're going to make it a simple wedding. Now, Luigi, just to some friends and the closest strangers. Oh, is he going to be whining a song? But Pascuali, you feel so much better. Oh, I'm a feeler wonderful. Put on the lights and pull up the shades. I'm a feeler as good as a new. Wait, wait, Pascuali. He was about to die a minute ago. Luigi, like I told you before, it's all mental. I'm going to get out of bed because as soon as you said you were going to marry Rosa, I took a bigger load off of my mind. He had 250 pounds. Pascuali, you go back to bed. Why? I'm giving you back your load. We're meant to come and invite you to turn to page two of Luigi's letter to his mother in Italy. And so, Mamma Mia, Pascuali is a little scheme that didn't work out and I'm still a free bachelor. Mamma Mia, maybe sometime you think I'm a little harder to Pascuali about to Rosa. But you know blame me for not wanting to marry her. If you wasn't to see her. Mamma Mia, she's a big... You know that barn you got in the back of your house? Well, I just imagined that the barn is smiling and you got to Rosa. Anyway, I'm sitting here in my store worrying about the Pascuali and his tricks and what he's going to try next when it suddenly is open up in my door. Luigi, my fellow boob. Hello, Schultz. Schultz, you was so right about the Pascuali. Hold the thing that was a trick. Sometimes I would think I would leave him. But he's in my garden and he can get me in trouble with the immigration of Europe. Luigi, I've been thinking about your problem. Now they got to the saying, the only way to cure a horrible sickness is with a horrible remedy. And I could choose the remedy for you. What's it after? Get married. There's nothing more horrible than that. No smile, Luigi. You marry a nice American girl. You get your citizenship papers faster. Pascuali can't boss you anymore. And you'll never have to worry about Rosa. Maybe you're right, Schultz. But when I'm going to find a girl who wants to marry me, I'm going to get the money. I'm going to get the looks. I'm going to get the future. Why should a girl marry me? Luigi, this is America where a girl marries you first and later she figures out the reason. But Schultz, how am I going to find a girl? Well, Luigi, there's all kinds of ways. You can go to a fancy resort and look. You can join a society and meet nice girls. Maybe your friends can introduce you to somebody. But for the quickest and best results, you just stand on the street corner and whistle. I'll never forget my first date when it was in a place called Apple Valley Inn. Oh, she was such a peach. A peach in an Apple Valley? Yeah, yeah. Anyway, this date with that peach in an Apple Valley Inn was so sweet. Oh, she had lips like ruby cherries and eyes like grapes. He liked it, I should say. Oh, Luigi, all I can say is for two weeks was nothing but fruit salad. Oh, it was wonderful. Schultz, you married this girl? Ah, Luigi, that is the story of my life. I went out with peaches, dates, apples, grapes, and what did I marry? A lemon. Wait, wait, wait. Into my head, an idea just pooped. What? What is Schultz? You are going to a matrimonial bureau. Matrimonial? Matrimonial bureau? What's that? That's a legal way to commit suicide. Ah, Schmai, Luigi. Here, give me that newspaper there. Oh, it's a marriage bureau. They've got lots of girls. One, two, it's over. Here's the paper. Here, here, here. Here's a big ad, you know. A castle exchange marriage bureau. Choose your maid from among our fine clientele. Introductions, privately arranged, high class. Many have money. But Schultz, do you think I should do a thing like that? Sure, why not, Luigi? As long as you've got to get hooked, you've got a right to pick out your own bait. Now, you go, Luigi. The castle exchange. All right, Schultz, I'm a go. Here, don't hurt it too much. That's the spirit, Luigi. Now, they say that marriages are made in heaven. But why wait till you get there? Schmai, Luigi, be happy like me. Always love me. My rheumatism is killing me. Excuse me, mister. Do you know how I'm going to get to 502 Castella Avenue? Sure. Take the S street, car to Michigan. Transfer to the number eight bus going north. Take it to the last stop, walk two blocks and you can't go wrong. Huh? Please, lady, can you tell me where is the 502 Castella Avenue? Oh, you're way out of the way. Well, I was a starter from a deal, but I'm going to take the S car to Michigan and transfer to the number eight bus going north. Well, you must have taken the bus going south. Don't you know which way is north? Sure, I'm going to face the south and turn it around quick. Mama, I'm walking around three hours asking the people. This time, I'm going to ask the other cop to make sure. Hey, mister, the policeman, maybe you know where is the 502 Castella Avenue? Don't ask me. I'm a stranger here myself. Mama, what's the day? I'm lost to the paper. I'm lost to the address. Some don't know where I am. I think I'm in the stockyard. Well, I'm better go home. Oh, look, look, there's a sign on the building. C-A-T-T-L-E. Catholic exchange. That's supposed to be the place where I'm going to sign. That's a funny kind of a marriage, your bureau. All over the pictures of a little house. Can I help you? Thank you. My name is Louis Giubasco, and I'm coming for a... you know. What's the matter? Well, if you excuse me, I'm a little nervous. You see, this isn't my first time. Well, there's nothing to it. You just fill out this order. You mean I'm right to what I'm won on this piece of paper? That's right. Just fill out your order and we guarantee delivery the next day by truck. What about it? Well, please, I'm... I'm... I'm lucky to be nice. If you don't mind, I'm gonna take a home in a taxi. Must be one of those rich Texas eccentrics. Look, we'll discuss delivery later. Now, how many did you want? How many? Well, like everybody else, I'm only one to one. Only one? You mean an American is allowed the more? Look, mister, we run one of the biggest exchanges in the city. People come in here every day and order hundreds. Hundreds? That's right. Well, I'm still a taker one. I'm no one to start the harem. Look, friend, it's all up to yourself. If you have a little place, we can let you have one. In fact, this one I've got in mind for you is very friendly. Oh, that's nice. You have to keep an eye on her, though. Twice last week, she followed strangers. This someone I like. Well, that was our own fault. We left the barn door open. You left the what? The barn door open. Of course, you won't have any trouble. Just throw a bell around her neck. Please, are you sure I'm in the right place? Friend, you can't get a better deal anywhere. All right. What's her name? Bossy. Bessy? No, Bossy. Her mother's name was Bessy. Sounds like a good family. Well, the best. Her father won three blue medals, been on exhibition in eight states. He's a strong, huh? What else? He's a bull. Oh, a policeman. Now, getting back to Bossy, I'd like to close that deal. The best thing about her is the upkeep. She doesn't eat too much. Maybe half a ton a month, that's... My mummy is worse than a rose. How am I going to support her? Are you kidding? Just turn her loose in the fields and let her nibble on the grass. Oh, now, if she's a belongings to me, I'm going to work harder for her, make her money, and feed her like a human being. Oh, be serious, man. She eats nothing but that green stuff. Oh, she's a vegetarian. Naturally. Now, let's get down to figures. All right. She's got a nice one. A nice what? Figure. Mr. Basko, she's got a figure that would win a prize at any cow show. Well, what's so good about that? Uh-huh. Maybe she's a rich, huh? Rich. You can't get anything richer. She's a genuine Jersey. Oh, she's a from the East, huh? No, what a beauty. She's got four of the prettiest legs you ever saw. Come on out here and I'll show her to you. Oh, it'll do your heart good to see her out in the field, chewing your cud, sniffing the daisies, and swishing the flies off her back with her long, bushy tail. Come on, Mommy. Take her, Mr. Basko. What have you got to lose? Remember our guarantee. What guarantee? Try her for two weeks. If you're not satisfied, bring her back. We'll exchange her for another one. Come on, Mommy, you crazy. Goodbye. Luigi, hey, where you been all day? Hello, Pasquale. Luigi, I've been waiting in your store the last hour, so I can tell you how sorry I'm a-feeling about what I've done today. Making her believe I had a call. That's all right, Pasquale. After what I'm just going to throw, even Rosa's look good to me. She does? That's my chance. Don't say another word to Luigi. I've got to call my little angel. Rosa! Rosa! Rosa! My little buttercup. Rosa, say hello to Luigi. My children are good, good, good. My children are good. I feel bad. What's the matter, Pasquale? I feel bad, Luigi. Nose all stuffed up with a... My head is aching. Stop it, stop it, Pasquale. You're wasting your time. You ain't gonna fool me twice. Luigi, I'm a-sec. I'm a-feeling too... What, Rosa? Rosa, stop bothering Luigi with a marriage. Leave him alone and make up his own mind. Huh? Rosa, we better put your papa to bed. This time I'm sure he's a-sec. Wrigley Company hopes you enjoyed tonight's episode of Life with Luigi. They present this program each week because they feel that millions of Americans like to listen to the adventures of Luigi just as millions enjoy chewing Wrigley's spearmint gum. And the Wrigley people invite you to listen next week at the same time when Luigi Basko writes another letter to his mama Basko in Italy. Life with Luigi is a Cy Howard production and is written by Mack Benoff and Lou Derman and directed by Mack Benoff. J. Carol Nash is starred as Luigi Basko with Alan Reed as Pasquale, Hans Connery as Schultz, Jody Gilbert as Rosa, Mary Ship as Miss Balding, Joe Forte as Horowitz, and Ken Peters as Olsen. Music is under the direction of Ludblaston. We invite you to listen to their other programs, the Gene Authorie Show, every Saturday night over most of the same CBS stations. Bob Stephenson speaking. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.