 You're about to be entertained by some of the biggest names in show business for the next hour and 30 minutes This program will present in person such bright stars as Fred Allen Phil Baker Alina D.C. Portland Harper Edward G. Robinson Danny Thomas Bran Warren Meredith Wilson And my name darlings is Danula Bankett The national broadcasting company presents the big show The Big Show 90 minutes with the most scintillating personalities in the entertainment world Brought to you this Sunday and every Sunday at the same time as the Sunday feature of NBC's All Star Festival And here is your hostess the glamorous Unpredictable to Lula Bankett Well darlings here it is 1951 1951 It seems like only yesterday it was 1941 But of course 1941 was five years ago I may be a poor mathematician But I'm going to be the youngest poor mathematician Well, I woke up this morning. Thank goodness And I looked in the mirror and I said to myself, good morning Lula darling I called everybody darling darling And I had a little talk with myself now. I talked to myself all the time Goodness knows no one else says anything I want to listen to So I said now look here to Lula. This is a new year. Now. Let's make it a good one No tantrum no temper no insults And the face in the mirror said yes darling and no radio show It was then that I realized that it wasn't a mirrored all I've been looking out of my window to poster advertising all about Eve Pardon me to Lula. May I interrupt this conversation you are having with yourself red darling Fred now Lula, I happen to be all about eavesdropping And uh, I overheard you talking to yourself. You don't know how lucky you are You know, I was on the air 12 years before I found out that I was talking to myself Now Fred, I loved you on radio. You had a faithful audience. They never missed your show On my audience is still faithful to Lula. I've been out of radio for three years and they still don't miss my show Darling, I'll never understand why you don't have a radio program. Well, I had to give it up circumstances to Lula I had a minor problem. You see my hooper and my pulse both went down to five Well, you look simply divine now darling that trip to Florida must have done you a lot of good I just adore your tan. Well, this this isn't a tan. It's sort of a yellow frostbite You know, it went down to five in Florida too It was so cold in Miami. I had to put sleeves in my electric blanket so that I could go out in the daytime My teeth kept chattering all night. Well, why don't you keep them in hot water? Well, darling you of all people don't have to worry about not having a regular radio show No, that's true to Lula. I am gainfully unemployed Isn't it boring darling? Nothing to do all day. Oh, I'm always busy. I have a hobby unemployment insurance Unemployment insurance. Yes, that is controlled by a government agency that ensures you against finding a job They pay you a small weekly stipend while they try to place you now last week for example I was interviewed for a job in the automatic as a banana Turner A banana Turner. Yes in the automatic you see sometimes when the fruit chef is in a hurry He will put a banana into a compartment the long way Well, the banana sticks out and the little door won't close and that's where I come in You as the banana Turner, I turn the banana crosswise so that little door can close Now Fred you're joking darling with this unemployment insurance. Surely you have some plans for the future. Well, yes, I have I'm coming back to radio Oh, that's that's good news Fred the comedian like you coming back to radio radio could really come back Is that trip necessary? Well, confidentially to Lula Is that tea? I'm off a tea. I'm leaving out of my words even Confidentially to Lula. I'm not coming back as a comedian. That's too tough a job today when I come back I'm going to have the easiest job in radio. What's that Fred? I am going to be a sponsor Fred you are sponsored. You must be losing a mind. Well, that's the first requisite But what are you gonna sell? Nothing, you know, I think that people have been listening to radio commercials for so long That their houses are cluttered up with stuff that they really don't need So I am going to sell nothing and I'm going to charge 37 cents for it Fred, isn't that a lot of money for nothing? Oh, the way prices are today about all you can get for 37 cents is nothing And for 47 cents you can get the big economy size nothing Well, I can sponsor a radio show and build it around a personality who could make something big out of nothing Mr. Allen Well, here's nothing with a head on it Well, as I stand here and cleverly feign astonishment If it isn't Portland Kalola, you uh, you remember Portland Huffer. I recognize the city, but the state is unfamiliar Portland Huffer, that's an odd name. Why do they call you Portland? Well, Miss Bankhead, you see I was born in Seattle Then why didn't they call you Seattle? Seattle is such a silly name for a girl You're lucky for you. You weren't twins Your mother might have called you Waller Waller Oh, come now, Miss Bankhead. You're joking. That's what we're here for darling Oh, honestly, Miss Bankhead, we do have twins in our family But it would have been ridiculous to call them Waller Waller Well, what did they call the twins? Minneapolis and St. Paul Well, look, Mrs. Rand and Mrs. McNally I hate to uh I hate to put my map in here at this time But I'm sure that uh, Portland didn't stop by to discuss the states of the union Now what is on your you should excuse the expression your mind Portland Yeah, Mama says she's an admirer of Miss Bankhead's from way back Say that's rather a broad statement But uh carry on Portland Mama listens to Miss Bankhead shows religiously Well, it's on Sunday, so naturally I think your mother is darling Portland Mama asked me to ask you a question, Miss Bankhead. If you won't get mad Mad? Oh, why should I get mad darling? Of course I won't get mad Haven't you heard Portland here? It's the new Pallula. No tantrums. No temper Especially not for such a devoted listener as your mother Mad indeed Now darling, uh, what is your mother's question darling? How old are you? None of your mother's erotic business Okay Portland if you will climb down from that chandelier I'd like to tell you that you may inform your mother that I am going back on radio myself I'm going to be a sponsor really, Mr. Allen. What are you going to sell? I'm going to have a program that sells nothing. Oh, just like your old program In rebuttal miss Hoffa, I must say that you have the makings of another to Lula only an octave higher On this high note of hilarity, let us take leave of beautiful Portland the city of Hoffa I've been our way towards merit Wilson and his big show orchestra and chorus Here they are now in their first bright sparking arrangement of 1951 A brand new tune by that grand old master Zygmunt Romberg zing zing zing The words may be said and soon you'll find that you're having a Wilson darling. Oh Fred. Uh, yes to Lula. Have you met Meredith Wilson? No, I have never had the pleasure How lucky can you be? Well, I'll tell you as soon as I meet it. Now believe me Fred. Your luck is running out. Yeah Here he comes now you're trapped trapped. Uh, you mean uh, now listen, I'm very fond of Meredith I think he's divine. I adore it. You'll find he's a lovely chap, but you mustn't encourage him Are you boy? With some revolting stories about that remote little hamlet he comes from making city Jesus Lula here he is Mr. Allen, I've been wanting to meet you really you'll find me a lovely chap if you don't encourage me to bore you The tears with some revolting story about that remote little hamlet I come from Mason City, Iowa Why I am very interested mr. Meredith. You'll be sorry darling press on Meredith Well, sir gentlemen back there in Mason City, Iowa I want to say back there in Mason City, Iowa. That's my hometown, you know, I know that Well, it is you know Well, sir the big social event of the season used to be the strawberry festival I tell you this one year. It was wilder than a corn husk can be really jiminy crickets Oh, excuse me mr. Bankhead. I forgot there was a lady present Fred have you ever heard him or in any little tale? Well, this is the first time I've ever seen a fellow fall asleep in the middle of his own story He's lucky Uh, well, sir this one year that I'm talking about We just couldn't wait for the strawberries to arrive. No, I didn't tell you this but we don't grow strawberries in Mason City No, no every year we have them shipped in for our strawberry festival one at a time Well, of course without strawberries it wouldn't be a strawberry festival No Well anyhow, they were coming all the way from Minneapolis, you know, oh, yes, I know his brother st. Paul Well, sir when those strawberries came in We had a festival that I'll never forget as long as I live And mason city will never forget it even not as long as you live they won't Well, thank you Boy, that was some party every boy and girl in town was there and they'll never forget that evening On account of that strawberry festival some of them later got married Some got engaged Something happened to everybody who was there. What happened to you? I ate too many strawberries and broke out in a rash And from then on whenever I hear the word strawberry, I just want to run strawberry strawberry strawberry May I take a box of those strawberries lady? Well, Fred was that I was that not the dullest story you've ever heard in your life. Well, sir, Tallulah It's a funny thing, you know when I was a kid back there in boston a suburb of mason city We used to have these bean festivals and I remember these beans beans Oh Isn't this awful Married in this strawberry festival Fred and his half fake story about beans Now I remember when I was little girl Down there in alabama we used to have cotton candy I'll never forget the year jefferson's days and I led the grand marches of what am I saying? We have come now darlings to an exciting moment in our big show tonight We ask you to join us in bidding welcome to an outstanding personality a distinguished artist. Mr. Edward G We hear now We hear now a famous story by the well-known writer and celebrated master suspense. Mr. Cornel Woodridge The big show stars mr. Edward G Robinson in the role of harold hardaker and will which is after dennis The scene the sumptuous dining hall in the apartment of harold hardaker park avenue A soft summer night in august A lavish dinner for five has come from the brandy Oh, uh evans kindly pass that silver ball let each of the gentlemen see what it contains Uh, mr. McKenzie first another dessert. Mr. Hunter. Oh, not quite there. Now, mr. Kenshaugh Uh, may I name close? Now mr. Pindagast What is this a gag? No, I'm afraid not Uh, mr. Lambert, please. I'm too full to care sir. All I can say is it looks hot sticky and it smells funny eggnog. Huh? No, that's very good Oh, uh evans, uh place the bowl in the exact center of the table. Now, that's it. Thank you Oh, and uh, you may remove the glasses and coffee. Okay, mr. We give up. What's in that thing? Oh, uh quite a number of things mr. Pindagast whites of eggs mustards certain other ingredients All welded together sounds like an antidote. That's not a funny joke McKenzie. No, it's not a joke. It is an antidote Oh, uh evans You have the gun I gave you all right stand there Please on the other side of those doors and see to it that no one comes out of here Do they try you know what to do? I thought there was something screwy with this idea coming to your house for supper Why should you invite four characters you don't even know? Then throw us a feed like this I'm getting out of here. I assure you pindagast evans will not hesitate to shoot. He has orders You see gentlemen There's a murderer in our midst Gentlemen, I know you all quite well. Mackenzie you're still a salesman of water coolers Lambert you're a salesman of novelties. Can't you you're still a clerk? pindagast Well, the police have an interesting dossier on you What happened? Only this One of you is a murderer One of you killed my son You killed him a year ago today The murderer has not yet paid the price you setting yourself above the proper constitutive authorities The findings of the medical examiner were suicide while I've unsound mine. Why do you hold him in? This isn't a discussion. This is an execution A year ago An elevator making its descent picked up at different floors in the norther's building five passengers Five men tree zoomably on their way home from work Including the operator there were six people making the descent That elevator went out of control and crashed to the basement killing the operator Five of you were still alive after the crash While the rescue crew worked with acetyl and torches to cut through the steel top of the car One of you shot and killed my son lying there in the dark The inquest found that he was killed with his own gun died by his own hand But you know differently I know different Oh, but surely mr. Hardik and the inquest was thorough I recall that there was testimony offered to prove that Your son had been of a highly nervous type that he was overwrought But the noise of the torches magnified as it was within the car was the factor that pushed your son beyond endurance Yeah. Yeah, it was rough in that elevator. I thought we were going to get burned down My ears have never been the same. I can still hear that roaring The net is mr. Hardekker that if you were right the police would have long since proved it After all they are interested in justice. It's their business But it's been a year now and the case is still not closed. No. No, mr. McKenzie. It is not closed You see, I know who the man is Taking me a year to find out that nine o' beyond shadow without The police wouldn't listen to me. They insisted it was suicide But I demand justice for the taking of my son's life It is now nine o'clock In a matter of minutes, one of you will be dead You probably noticed a dinner that each of you was served separately One dish and one alone was deadly It's putting in its slow, sure work right now as we sit here Look at that silver bowl gentleman It contains the antidote I have no wish to set myself up as the executioner above the law Let the murderer be the chooser Let him reach out and save himself and stand convicted before all of you Or let him keep silent and go down to his death without confessing privately executed For what can't be publicly proved And say 10 12 minutes Collapse will come without warning But are you sure you did this to the right one? No, I haven't made any mistakes. The waiter was carefully rehearsed You're all perfectly unharned But the killer Now he tells us a fine way to digest a meal Why didn't you serve the murderer first so then the rest of us could eat in peace at least Shut up Lambert You can't be sane and do a thing like this. Did you ever have a son, Mr. Mackenzie? Can't stand it. Let me out of here. I didn't do it I don't feel so good. Then why don't you take the medicine our dear host has provided? Why not Lambert just just reaching for a cigar Mac Got a light pender gas Something shaking either my head or your hand. You're trying to go you're trying to kid us What's the idea of reaching like that if you ain't going to take this stuff? Can't you see this ain't no time to kid this guy harddecker is nuts He's not here in the fruit cake with it pender guest act like a man harddecker You're alienating whatever sympathies do you by pulling a stunt like this? I'm not asking for sympathy. It's atonement. I want Three lives were taken from me My only son My daughter-in-law and their prematurely born child I demand payment I can't breathe He's done it to me so help me gas around the heart may depend on gas Don't fall for it if you're not sure good fall for it if I drop dead. Are you gonna bring me back? He ought to be arrested for this arrested. He's gonna get sued like nobody was ever sued before when I get through I'd say about four minutes left No, the murderer seems to prefer death to confession. Oh What's the matter McKenzie it hit you my heart hey Oh dear god in heaven. I didn't do nothing to deserve this I'm dying. I know I'm dying if the antidote is not downed in 30 seconds. It will most certainly fail 30 seconds No, no, no Give me that ball I drunk it all. Well, it saved me. Don't stare at me. Tell me Well, it saved me That I drank it in time Oh, it's you control here Here's I kill him I'd kill him again Over and over and over a thousand times He used your name cast in on your wealth and position to work himself in my company got my job got me fired Yes, I killed your son I killed him So what? So what hard Decker? No matter what they've all heard me say just now, you'll never be able to prove I did it Nobody saw Only the dark That's where you're going Into the dark You can't prove it. Nobody saw me only this Only this Don't Oh, I can turn that bricks. What's the matter with him? He's dead. Well hard Decker. I guess your antidote didn't work in time No, that wasn't the antidote That was the poison itself He hadn't been given any poison until he got that down He convicted himself and carried out sentence on himself with one of the same gesture I hadn't known which one of you it was until then I'd only known it hadn't been my son's own doing because you see the noise of those torches burning above your heads while the Crew worked to free you from the elevator Wouldn't have affected him much. It was partly death and birth now I'm ready to take my own medicine all the police Let them and their prosecutors and their courts of law decide whether I killed him Or his own guilty conscience did Oh to edward g robinson and the supporting cause for splendid performance come over here, eddie darling We have so much to talk about now. Shut up Red isn't that darling Sweet little eddie robinson trying to act like a gangster and you're shut up too Wait a minute. I didn't say anything. Well, just in case you're thinking of saying anything. You're shut up Now ed you're kidding aren't you? What do you think this buzz on my hip is? Little eggs bread 45 see have you ever considered cutting down on potatoes? Now listen you big tomato You get in my way, and I'll push a grapefruit and your mushrooms all pineapple into your apartment. See Say I'll take a pound of that fruit salad, sir Now look here. I'm warning you see one more crack out of you and you'll need protection insurance Say I'll take some of that too. It'll go well with my unemployment insurance The poly Wait a minute. Now look at it. I don't understand this now I've always known you to be a mild sweet temperate intellectual man who spends most of his time collecting valuable paintings Yeah, that's a blind On the backs of them there are paintings of blueprints of some of the biggest banks in the country But mr. Robinson, I understood that you had a collection of authentic paintings by rembrandt renoir and dega Oh sure sure. I had those guys paint over the blueprints But rembrandt renoir and dega they're all dead. Well, that's the idea dead men don't talk see Now editing Well, yeah, don't butt me see now don't get in my way. See I'm hot if nails see you're gonna get hurt see Please I'm getting C Come here. Come here short broad and broad Teach you not to fool around with me see I'm gonna give you a little lesson as hard to behave see This is gotta stop This is the movie ever g robinson the movie ever g robinson not the real ever g robinson. What's the matter with you? Well, everybody's speaking on me All my life. I never had a chance I used to be on Broadway And I was a nice quiet guy who minded his business never gotten any trouble and then I went to hollywood and I did a gangster picture Then on my troubles began People avoided me children cried when I came into a ruse. Hey, wait a minute if I had known this was for the academy award I'd have worn my tux and my suspenders When I when I walked on the street forces would bold it must be for the roughing academy award Oh, I just hate it myself I hired a You know really now, please don't laugh at me I hired a publicity man to tell people that I was really a gentle man But it worked too well and suddenly people began to push me around the minute they knew I wasn't really tough They took advantage of me So I gave that up and I tried to go back to being tough and I was doing so well too until you hit me The humiliation of it to be hit by a woman in public Tallulah, why did you do it now? Why why did you do it? I'll take a pound of that ham We'll be back in a moment darling Just as soon as I ring my chime. This is nbc the national broadcasting company The big show This is the national broadcasting company sunday extravaganza with the most scintillating personalities in show business The big show the sunday night feature of nbc's all star festival is brought to you by the makers of anison For fast relief from the pain of headache uranus and uralgia and by rca victor world leader in radio first and recorded music first in television The big stars on this program are fred allen bill baker marlena detrick portman hoffa edward g robinson danny thomas fran warren meredith rosen and the big show orchestra and chorus and every week your hostess the glamorous unpredictable Tallulah bank head Well, darling of the big show and a dipper full of stars the big dipper, of course I'm particularly thrilled over the impending appearance this evening of marlena detrick marlena detrick A magic name which is synonymous throughout the world with beauty charm talent glamour Of course, darlings, you realize they hand me this stuff. I have to read it I don't know why they think she's so attractive just because she has beautiful hair A lovely face a perfect figure gorgeous leg. I'll take 110 pounds of that Bill Baker Hello Tallulah. It's really a pleasure to be Which camera do I face camera Well, there are no cameras here darling. This is enough the television show. It's a radio show a radio show So why did I wear my toupee? Well, at least it looks nice. See I even fooled you talloo. I don't really wear a toupee I know darling. I was just joking But I always thought they were worn in the center of the head Look honey, I'll wear mine the way I like and you wear yours the way you like Now darling, what were we talking about before we started blowing our toupee? Well, I don't know why but I had an idea. This was a television show. I'm sure I've seen you on television Aren't you the one who wears those low cut gowns? That's emerson darling. This is rca But I'm sure I've seen you on television talloo. I can't remember where but uh, oh well never mind But surely you must be thinking of going on television to lula. Well, to be very honest, Bill I've been wrestling with the idea. That's where I saw your wrestling Oh, I couldn't be a wrestler darling. Why not you're a good enough actress Listen to Believe me television is for you especially now the screens are getting larger and larger and larger And your check is getting smaller and smaller and smaller. Look to lula It would be a cinch to convert this radio show into a tv show. I know just how to do it Well, I'm willing to try but this knows I've tried everything else All right, I'll try tv even if it kills me. Well, we all have to go sometime What's the first step? Well, as you know in television, they don't use any scripts at all Why don't we just put our scripts aside for a while and see how it works? All right Well, this is pretty dull Nothing's happening. Well, that's television Oh, but they must have something else. Well personally, I don't watch television very much. It sort of depresses me I used to look at those mystery shows so many people get killed. It's all very sad Well, television is great for baseball The giants of my team I watched the giants play all our summer. Yes, it's all very sad. It really is Not this year. It won't be brother, but there's uh, come on Look at that lip on the show Was that an ad-lib? I don't know darling But there's one thing I do like on television. What they're getting some beautiful new waxes. They're so young And gorgeous. Yeah, it is all very sad Well television isn't for me. I love the theater. It's vibrant. It's real It's a true expression of great art the theater doesn't limit you to the narrow space of a camera On the hot lights leave you to wonder if you're going to remember your lines Instead of reacting to your fellow players and giving your character that third dimension So necessary to make it a living breathing thing You know what I mean film Yeah, I don't photograph well either I think I'll stick to radio where I'm doing very well who said listen What's so terrific about this show great comedians magnificent dramatic actors Sensational singers, what have you got in this program that you can't get in any Broadway show right now for 660? Me darling Well, I agree with you But with all that you're still missing one element that would really make this a big show Oh, what's that feel me darling? Well, it's been so long having you on this program film I don't get it So so long darling happy unemployment insurance Ah, so low. I didn't mean to get fresh. It's just that I play the accordion You know and after listening to this show for so many weeks and now after meeting you in person I feel that you should have an accordion to support you. Well, thank you darling, but fortunately I can still get around by myself Believe me to lose the accordion would compliment your voice. Well, that would be a change around here Why does everyone vote for my boy? I can't understand it. I can't understand it either to me. You have a voice like any other normal american boy Play Phil. Oops. Sorry wrong program. Thank you. I'd like to play a tune. I wrote especially for this program 20 years ago I'll bring him to lewd. Would you like to hear it? No darling, but I'm sure that won't stop you I wrote this tort song on one of the saddest days of my life I was engaged to a lovely girl, but we had a quarrel. I wrote this on the day the ring was returned She made me give it back Next time you suffer from pains of headache neuritis or neuralgia take anisin You will bless the day you've heard of this incredibly fast way to relieve these pains Now the reason anisin is so wonderfully fast acting and effective is this Anisin is like a doctor's prescription That is anisin contains not just one but a combination of medically proven active ingredients in easy to take tablet form Thousands of people have received envelopes containing anisin tablets from their own dentist or physician And in this way discovered the incredibly fast relief anisin brings from pains of headache neuritis or neuralgia So the next time a headache strikes Take anisin for this wonderfully fast relief anisin anacin Anisin comes in handy boxes of 12 and 30 economical family size bottles of 50 and 100 Get anisin at any drug counter Very well said ed. Hurley. Hi. Hurley hope I have so much trouble with that darling man's name. Now where were we? Oh, yes. I was about to um, hello to lula. Hi. Hello, fran fan. Warren darling How are you today fan, sweetie? Oh, I'm very excited to lula. Yeah, what was marlina detrick on the show? She's so glamorous I've heard that's it about me darling She's such an international celebrity I've heard that said about me darling. Who? I remember. She was my ideal when I was a child and I've heard that Oh, darling You know to lula with marlina on the show I knew we girls would have a lot of competition So I thought I dressed very carefully today. I really extended myself darling. Your extension is showing Besides, I wouldn't let marlena detrick upset you. She's just another glamorous beautiful woman No, she doesn't bother me as long as you're here to lula. It's so reassuring to see your old face And now um, just a moment fran warren you're making it very difficult for us to remain friends Oh, I'm so sorry to lula. I didn't mean that at all. I don't think you have an old face I don't think your face is as old as the rest of you I didn't mean that either I didn't mean to Fran darling you're probably wiser for both of us if the next time you open your mouth it was to save you What songs you have in mind don't take my love from me. All right, darling. I won't if you're saying melody. If you please, sir Today Fran and hello is this a dagger I see before you Darling, it's marlena detrick. It's simply wonderful to see you again. Thank you to lula. How long has it been? I was thinking only this morning that I hadn't seen you in 20. Oh careful marlena. Darling people are listening Weeks. Oh darling weeks Oh to lula. Yeah after all these years guess whom I met the other day Claude I ran into him on the street. Ah hard I trust My to lula precious. He was so crazy about you. Oh, no, oh pat. It was you. He was crazy about of course not darling Everybody knows he was crazy about you. Well now that I kind of think of it. He was crazy about me Yes, he was crazy Yeah, isn't he sweet? Dear old Claude does he know that you're a grandmother now? Darling he knew you were a grandmother then of course Oh Tell me to lula. What's new? I hear so little about you since you have hidden yourself away in radio Now marlena sweet if you could read You know that I just got a big spread in colliers magazine this week. Well, you need a big magazine to lula Unfortunately, I can still make the slimmer magazine As a matter of fact to lula. I was just interviewed this morning by the woman's home companion No, are they changing the name to old woman's home companion? Now, let's face it. Darling. Look at me bought eyelashes mascara powder ruse lipstick. Yes darling, but the rest of it is all me What are we talking about? Let's stop pretending and tell the truth There's no use denying it. I'm not quite as young as I used to be everybody knows that I'm a mother and now I'm a grandmother The silly idea women have that they must lie about their age is ridiculous I don't care if everybody knows how old I am. Do you really mean that marlena? Of course to lula. Well then darling, how old are you? 32 32 Now just a minute marlena. Do you mean that you're only one year older than I am? Now look here marlena Marlena my sweet, I happen to know that you have how I have a daughter who's been married for a few years and has two children Isn't it amazing One day on her birthday. I turned around and there was my daughter Three years older than I am Now darling, why don't we stop this stupid quarreling? All right. Do you like when you do a number? Please do marlena. You've performed such a miracle with numbers May I sing falling in love again? By all means marlena saying falling in love again. Why don't you sing it for us? Again, just the way you sang it 35 years ago Before you were born darling Word from rca victor For five kinds of wonderful fun and all in one There's nothing like a new rca victor million proof combination console The whole wide world of entertainment is yours Clear steady million proof television Powerful am fm radio Three speeds of phonographs all in one beautiful cabinet at a truly modest price It's not just one hit show. It's all of them especially designed for your living room You'll watch television pictures with million proof quality Locked in place by rca victor's eyewitness picture synchronizers And the rca victor new television picture pickup brings in the picture even in fringe areas All the television radio phonograph sound comes through the famous golden throat tone system That means rich concert hall listening and it all costs many dollars less than you would pay if you bought the instruments one at a time Here's entertainment. You don't want to miss and a chance to make a real saving too Why not see the variety of rca victor combination consoles for yourself One look is all you need Visit your rca victor dealer today Thank you ed hurley hay Hurley hi ho Well, I take care of the vowels But I try the consonants. Oh marlena darling. I must tell you how to divine your song Thank you to lula such a wonderful way to lead into the commercial I have to know to lula that men have killed themselves after hearing me sing I'm sure they're done I doubt it will myself Well, we all have to go sometimes Say speaking of going I think I'll be going I've been waiting through this script looking for a line or two for myself My friend not even a joke line mind. You're just an ordinary old feed line would do any line at all a bread line Marlena's lines would do Say as a matter of fact marlena's lines are perfect And besides not that you girls need me to throw you a curve But I've noticed that phil baker had an accordion solo marlena detrick had a bronchial solo I would like to play a little clarinet solo. I just happened to have my clarinet with me Why of course Fred, did you think I would do a show and neglect having you play your clarinet? Well, frankly, yes, of course you can play. Oh goody. What a night for music lovers May I begin now? Wait a minute. Wait a minute you guys edward g robinson. Darling. What is it? I'm looking for some lines myself. See if everybody's doing the solo. I want to do one too. See But eddy darling, what instruments you play? I don't play any instrument, but I carry a violin case, see That might be odd a machine gun solo. Well, when do we get to it? Uh, wait, wait a minute. How about me fellas? Ed Hurley, you are soloist too Well, we all have to go sometime Be a solo first darling and then Fred and Ed they'll follow, huh? Oh, thank you to Lola All I wanted to say was that this portion of the program was brought to you by the makers of anison For a fast relief from pain of headache new rhinos and neuralgia and by rca victor World leader in radio first and recorded music first in television. You're soloing quite well Ed Hurley Now eddy robinson, what did you have in mind? Spread out you guys. See I'm taking over the station break. See Oh, are you still doing that imitation of edward g robinson? You know eddy you and I are probably the two most widely imitated people in the whole world Oh, uh, she imitating me now too No darling, but I am watch this Ready with your clarinet Fred lips akimbo to lose All right, sir guys, I'm taking over see I get this C. This is NBC National broadcasting company This is the big show Where tonight the glamorous to Lola trades darlings with the fabulous marlaine the score at the half marlena 32 to lula 31 Hey, just that is it's like golf darlings low-store wins Or dany thomas Please no applause. No applause with all that applause. It sets up a big wind I'll catch a cold and wind up sounding like the lula bank is Dany darling, I've been wondering when you were coming back to us Yes, I remember I was here for the birth of this show nine You should excuse the expression weeks ago and you were a big hit than dany. What have you been doing darling? Well, I've been out in the great and glorious west to lula And as the native son of the golden west I kind of noticed that there ain't been nothing said about texas in the past hour So I'd like to sing for you a little western song But didn't you once tell me that you came from tolido, oh, oh, hi, oh originally to lula But when I was a little boy my parents immigrated from tolido, oh, hi, oh and came to this country Then they settled in the west To me it's the greatest place in the whole world And that's why I'd like to sing for you western song Little song that was doing right smart before bing clause became along made a record never I reckon he didn't hurt anyone That's western talk, man Oh, give me a home Where the buffalo wrong How'd you like to have a buffalo walk right into your living room? That's the craziest song I've ever sang in my whole life Give me a home with a buffalo room There's more yet when the deer and the antelope play What an awful looking living room you'd have after they got to lula I come here tonight representing the way I think it's an insult writing these kind of songs to lula It's terrible Well, if the right these songs haven't been far the west in prosaic new jersey What is that other crazy song that vaughn Monroe sang for over a year? Stole it from a lost Semitic tribe to begin with Get a load of these words with him An old cow poking right now when docking when the day And then he came to rest upon the ridges he went on his way When all at once a mighty herd of flying cows he saw That bum must have been tighter than a hoodow Mighty herd of cows flying in the sky snorting fire with hooves of steel I like that other line their hot breath he could feel if they ever got a whiffy is they'd a keel over for This song brother, what is it so hard to write a song about the west? It's all there the subject matter is clear and plain and beautiful The fellow just take the time and the trouble to visit the west and spend some time here I reckon if I were one given a making pretty speeches I'd go to work and turn around and say to you the west is my home Mother nature Resplendent and her god-given regalia With her mountains and her valleys Her rocks and her rills and her streams and prairie and ranch country There's no place like the west And there isn't a man Regardless of his creed Even if he didn't have one Never stood upon the precipice of the Grand Canyon And has not been forced to exclaim in complete gratitude and wonderment Thank god And there's a bus leaving in 15 minutes Of course, I know what you're gonna say if you're a died in the wool easterner That's typical cosmopolite Especially if you're from Manhattan, I can quote you New yorker, what's with that west mode? Hacking me with the west That means what are you chopping me with the way? I'm a kind of guy likes to bet a horse spin the wheel shake the dice. What do you give me the west? You could die a slow dead out there Well, if there's anybody listening that comes under that category, I got news for you They're waiting for you in Las Vegas, Nevada You think you're a better man get out to Las Vegas? They'll bet you how the wind is gonna blow next day and give you your choice of direction I never got both feet off the train My first trip when some tough-looking ombre walked up to me cased me for a split He said hold it flicker two to one. You're dead Would you believe it? I was afraid a bit But I couldn't afford to lose I had my first meal in las vegas with seven other men sort of family style And nudged a fella sitting next to me. I said would you pass a slice of bread to help me? I caught him dealing from the bottom of the load Tonight hint there'd be a game of poker any minute Well to lose the hint was good. The game was on I got the thinking shucks five card a baby can play that game Of course, baby don't win. You understand? It can play if you want This baby didn't win either Win when I tell you a royal flush wasn't good enough. That's my idea of what kind of game this was What do you think beat my royal flush? My hand called timbuktu I never heard of it either Timbuktu a pair of deuces in seven eight nine of clubs And a six shooter about that long. I was in no mood for arguing with new rules. I played along I finally caught the dang this hand ever saw in five card poker six queens You're laughing I threw him in I didn't even bet And it's a dang good thing. I didn't a fella next to me at six games He come in third And I'll be bag blasted if I didn't catch timbuktu myself And I bet it brother every last dollar lost to a pair of fours Sorry, bud timbuktu is good on that ain't the part of the west. I'm talking about I'm a talking about the ranch country places out in texas Big broad expands the land fenced in by them crisscross whitewash load Just such a ranch used to ride out to Visiting with a friend of mine who was a root and toot and shoot and pioneer of the west Man by the name of hop along mannish ebb Had a matzah ball plantation I'll never forgive it I was out with mannish ebbets one day just to see how the matzah balls were matzah I was riding what you might call a polite horse every time we came to a fence to let me go over first Never had so much fun in my whole life That's the country I'm talking about And if I were asked to sing a western song I reckon it'd be the kind of a song that my accompanist walter pop wrote It's a pretty song about the west I'm sorry. I have to be the one to sing it for you, but I'm the only one who knows the words All right To sing about the wonders of the golden way Or I just love to sing all about my home about the mountain high And the valleys that I love and her purple sky I could ride a toad No and brother you can bet That's why the sun chose it As the play to sing about the glory of the golden way For I just love to sing all about my home I love to sing About Texas That's my thank you daddy darling. That was a wonderful routine. I agree to lula Oh, uh, daddy, I wish you'd been at this new year's e-party. I went and we could have used some entertainment Listen, Eddie, if you wanted entertainment, you should have come to my new year's e-party. Everybody was there. It was real high society You know dukes and counts the whitneys the vandables the rockers. What's the ritzy crowd you travel with? I travel with a ritzy crowd all they call me all the time to lula And I love to go because they're really very democratic people now Why do you know something after the party? They even invited the drummer the violinist and me to eat with the guests I went to a party in hollywood at the colman's, you know ronald colman and his wife benita And all the hollywood people came actors directors comedians There was a very funny fellow there and stood Understand he lives next door to the colmans They had to serve early dinner because of him at about five minutes of seven He got up from the table left the nickel tip and ran like mad Said he had to be somewhere at seven. I guess he didn't want to miss your show to lula A nickel tip with all his jack I was at a lovely party in new years. Oh really marlena. Who's there? Well, let me see There was a mr. Barry and mr. Harvey, mr. Harris, mr. Joyce, mr. Brown Mr. Benson now just a moment darling all men what kind of a party was this that you went to I didn't go to the party to lula I gave it Well No wonder when I announced you were going to be on the program I got letters of protest this week from mrs. Barry or mrs. Harvey or mrs. Harris or mrs. Joyce or mrs. Brown or mrs. Benson Yes, meredith. I uh, I had a wonderful new year's eve Rini and I Rini used to be a girl, but she's now mrs. Wilson Get to the point darling. Well, sir mrs. Bankhead We sat around new years and listened to a wonderful recording of the song I wrote for the big show May the good lord bless and keep you Eddie Arnold just made it for rca and it's such a great record that I could listen to it hour after hour I'm sure you could You know, you can play it 5,742 times before the record wears out I'm sure you did Daddy, what did you do new year's eve? Oh, I went to kind of a strange party to lula was given by one of the vice presidents of this network No, what do you mean strange? Well at 12 o'clock instead of singing all lang syne He made us all stand up and sing. Oh NBC the gem of the ocean NBC the gem of the ocean don't you mean wrong network to lose To lose yes fans. I went to a party and had a wonderful time Everybody was so k and I kept singing carol after carol mrs. Fine darling at a new year's eve party carol for christmas That's when the party started Yes, rochester Wrong city Wrong network again to lula Mr. Bankhead, we just wanted to thank you for inviting us to your party on new year's eve Yes, did you have a nice time darling? Oh, we had a double George time Where were you? Oh, darling friend. I never go to my own. I give such a go part of this But I might just as well have stayed home. I went to one of those impossible new year's eve dances It was well, uh, well, darcy parker must have been to a dance for the story sometime another Because she captured it so perfectly in her amusing little piece the walls You know darlings standing there the music starts And a man comes up Don't Now what does he that's for? I don't want to dance with this character. I don't want to dance with anybody Even if I did it wouldn't be with this one I've seen the way he dances He looks like the emcee of a nightmare Just think not 10 minutes ago when I was sitting there at my heart bleeding for the poor dame he was dancing with Now I'm elected isn't it a small world And you can have it too A little dream go to the world It's events are so unpredictable are they not There was I minding my own business not on living so And then this don't be don Juan has to come into my life All smiles and city manners Pursue me for the favor of one passionate polka Why scarcely knows my name That alone what it stands for It stands for despair The wilderness utility mayhem manslaughter and assorted murder Cooperated and unincorporated But little does he watch I won't watch his name either Haven't to think it's that deal what it is Juke should be my guest from the look in his eyes And how do you do mr. Juke And how is that dear little brother of yours with the two heads? What do you say when a man asks you to dance with him? I most certainly will not dance with you See you dropped dead first Quite thank you. I'd like to awfully but I I'm about to throw a fit Oh, yes, yes, you let's dance together. It's so nice to meet a man who isn't a static cat about catching my very very No, there was nothing for me to do but say I adore it. Well, you might as well get it over with Now I know how to furniture feels on moving day Okay cannonball, let's run out on the field. You won the toss you lead Huh, oh No, I think it's mobile walls really isn't it? Well, we might just listen to the music a second, huh? Shall we? Oh, yes, here's a wall mind I'm simply thrilled Love to walk with you I'd love to walk with you I'd love to have my chances out I'd love to be hit on the head with a atomic bomb Well, it's too late now and trapped like a trap and a trap We're underway Why didn't I ask him to sit this out? We'll be sitting on the floor in a minute. This keeps up It's a good thing I warned him this is a wall I bet if I told him this is a lumber we'd have made a touchdown in Times Square Why does he always want to be somewhere that he isn't? Why can't we stay long enough in one place to get to know the neighbors? With this constant rush rush rush rush rush rush The curse of american life That's the reason we wrote You have to kick your idiot Poor little shit I've had ever since I was a little girl Oh no, no, no goodness No, it didn't hurt the least bit And anyway, it was my fault No, really it was, honestly, truly, truly, yes it was, really Oh, now you're just being sweet to say that It really was all my fault I wonder what I should do I throttled him this instant with my naked hands I let him have a stroke and drop in his tracks Maybe it's best not to make a scene I guess I'll just lie low and let him burn himself out He can't keep this up indefinitely, he's only human Well, I wonder I don't want to be the oversensitive type But you can't tell me that kick was unpermeditated When it comes to kicking, I'm outraised womanhood When you kick me in the shin, smile I bet he grew up in the hill country I bet he had to throw him on his back to get his shoes off him What? Oh no, it's lovely, no, it's simply lovely It's the loveliest waltz I ever heard, isn't it? Yes, I think it's lovely, too Yeah, sure Well, watch it to me, I've had to spend the next two years in a plaster cast Well, he wants to live forever Dance, little gypsy, dance, funny pants I wonder the band leader shoots you when you break a leg Oh, it's all right, thank goodness For a while I thought I'd have to carry him off the field Oh, I couldn't bear to have anything happen to him Ah, shut up I'm just left you hulking peasants What do you think I am, anyway, a gangplank, out! Oh no, no, of course he didn't hurt a bit Oh, why? He didn't hurt a bit Oh, it's lovely, it was all my fault, you see See that little step up yours, well, it's perfectly lovely But it's just a tiny bit tricky to follow it first Oh, did you wake it up yourself? You really did, well, aren't you amazing? Oh, no, no, no, no, now, I think I've got it Oh, no, I think it's lovely Yes, I was watching who was dancing before It's awfully effective When you look at it It's awfully effective when you look at me too, I bet I must look like something out of the fall of the house of Usher This sort of thing takes a fearful toll of a woman in my condition And he woke up this little step himself He and his degenerate cunning Well, I'm past all feeling now I didn't know what trouble was until I got drawn into this dance, my carb I think, I think my mind's beginning to wonder But it almost seems if the music was stopping No, the governor refused to sign the reprieve What? Stop? Oh, they have stopped, the mean thing They're not going to play anymore Oh, you darling, you really think they would? You really think so if you gave them twenty dollars? Oh, that would be lovely And look, do tell them to play the same thing I'd give them the door to go on washing Well, darling, that approximates my new year's eve And what a new year's day Soaking my head and my feet Luckily, I didn't sit out too many dances Lula, I liked your one side of little story A monologue, I believe they call it And I noticed that you are the only one who gets to do a monologue on this show But I'm afraid that I'm going to have to burst that little bubble tea It's very entertaining hearing your side of the evening But have you ever considered what your partner was thinking? I don't believe he could, darling Well, I think Fred's right, Lula You know, you women always think you're getting the worst of it In the war between the sexes But I'd hate to be able to read your partner's mind Say, just as a lock to Lula Would you consider it deregure? They want a hildegard's ride as it is Then would you be upset if we tried to reconstruct the scene from the fellow side? I smell a monologue coming up But go ahead I'll try not to listen Don't listen to this, girls Portland, put your hand over your ears Now, you two fans, Marlena Yes, Lula There'll be an old dear darling And don't listen to this You put your hands over your hearing aid I disconnected it By the way, darling I disconnected it By the way, darling Now, go to it, friend We fellas are with you Right, Danny? Yeah, you can tell me Count you in, okay How about you, Meredith? Fellas against the girls Okay, I'll do it Goodbye, Rene, who used to be Mrs. Wilson Say a little music, Meredith, if you don't mind Yeah, Eddie See anything you like? Oh, I don't know They're not getting as sharp a crowd as they used to here at Roseland And the music's louder too, notice Yeah, there are only two left that aren't dancing Which one do you like? Well, how about the Marcy one with the neon sign on the back That lights up and spells to Lula I'd rather, I'd rather dance with that truck driver Nicer Oh, shoot, somebody's got him I'll have to dance with her Dance, get a load of that voice Oh, brother, that's who she sounds like, my brother What are they playing? It's a waltz, miss They're playing a waltz, but this kid's doing the big apple And she's the type that leads Uh, what's that? My name? It's Jukes, Fred Jukes My family makes all of those boxes you see around in Paris No, no, no, I'm not married No, I've never been married Yes, I'm single Yes, I've thought about getting married If the right girl came along What a grip on this kid She's clutching me like men are going out of style She's so hard to push around, too She must have lead in her wedges Maybe it's maybe it's her makeup That makeup she's wearing must weigh as much as she does I almost feel like I'm dancing with her and Max Factor See, there must be some way I can get rid of this game Maybe I ought to kick her in the shins Say, I think I will kick her in the shins The way she's dancing, it'll look like an accident But how can I kick her? She's standing on both of my feet She must have a sideline selling corn plastic They look through the window, it's getting light outside We're the only couple left Everybody else is gone, but the music is still playing I thought I saw her slip that band leader 20 bucks No, I'm sorry, miss No, no, really, I have to be going Now it's almost morning Where am I going? Well, I have to get in line at the unemployment insurance office What? Why do I need unemployment insurance? Because I'm out of radio Why am I out of radio? I can't hear myself think If only that music wasn't so loud So you want to know why I'm out of radio, okay? Well, I'll tell you why I'm out of radio, miss Stop the music That's why Fred, that was divinely insane Well, I hope you're not angry, Tallulah Oh, no, but I loved every moment of it It was very charming And that's just one thing I wonder what happened to that friend of yours that danced The part Eddie played Oh, that guy, he wound up going out with the boys With the boys, what's funny is that? Oh, he was at that party with Mr. Barry, Mr. Hardy, Mr. Benson, Mr. Harris, Mr. Joyce, Mr. Brown Molly and I don't know how you do it How do you manage to keep some many, many interested? I make such good being a schnitzel Well, it must be something else, darling Because Betty Crocker comes to me for cupcake lessons Let's be honest, Tallulah, darling No matter what, a better cook than you, am I? Ah, come now, Marlene, am I precious? Everybody knows that I can do anything better than you can You must be joking, Tallulah Anything you can do, I can do better I can do anything better than you No, you can't Yes, I can Oh, no, you can't Yes, I can No, you can't Yes, I can Yes, I can You're pressing, darling I can do that better soon Any age you can be, I can be younger Oh, I can be younger than you'll ever be Thirty-two Thirty-one Twenty-five Twenty-three Twenty-one Nineteen and a half, eighteen and a half, six and a half Is that your age, darling, or your shoe size? I can fill a sweater I can fill a sweater I am known for glamour I am known for glamour I can do most anything Can you pronounce Ed Hurley hee-hye? No, not enough Any note you can sing I can sing lower I can sing any note lower than you No, you can't Yes, I can No, you can't Yes, I can No, you can't Ah, yes, I can Yes, I can Many brave hearts are asleep in the beast So beware, be- Step aside, Buster Thank you, Marlene, darling, for coming to our show and permitting us to toss you around the way we did You've been an absolute angel We hope you'll all be with us next week when our stars will be Louis Calhoun, Jack Carter, Florence Desmond, Jimmy Durante, Martha Ray, Fran Warren and others, and of course, Melody Wilson and his big show, Officer-in-Torrent Until then, may the good Lord bless and keep you Whether near or far away, Fran May you find that long-awaited golden Edward May your ground will be small once Stand, time, step About later May the good Lord bless and keep you Till we meet Shining and a bluebird With a bee Back of the May the good Lord bless and keep you Until we meet again Good night, darlings Listen to the big show next Sunday when we'll have with us Louis Calhoun, Jack Carter, Florence Desmond, Jimmy Durante, Martha Ray and others Fran Warren, Meredith Wilson and the big show, Officer-in-Torrent and as always, the glamorous, unpredictable, Tallulah Bankhead The big show is directed and produced by D. Engelbach and written by Goodman A. Selma Diamond, George Foster, Mort Green and Frank Wilson Listen to Joseph Cotton in Theatre Guild on NBC