 New York City Public Schools will all be closed today. Stop touching yourself, Education Secretary Betsy DeVos. They're being closed because of a blizzard. They're reopening tomorrow. It's Tuesday, 3 a.m. March 14th, 2017. We have a lot of show. Let's get right to it. Welcome to the broadcast. I'm David Feldman, DavidFeldmanShow.com. On today's show, comedian Kathleen Madigan joins us. Also stand-up comics, Micah Fox and Scott Rogowski. Is it just me, but now that Trump fired 46 federal prosecutors, are you guys flying a lot more Black Tar heroine into Miami than usual? I know I am. Is it just me? It just feels like I can get away with it. During an interview this weekend, EPA Chief Scott Pruitt said, carbon dioxide is not a major contributor to global warming. Pruitt said that because carbon dioxide is a major contributor to him. When he was Oklahoma Attorney General, he would just copy and paste press releases from ExxonMobil and make them law. I'm not making that up. That's the head of the EPA. According to the Congressional Budget Office, if Speaker Paul Ryan's healthcare plan is implemented, the number of Americans without insurance would grow by 24 million. Donald Trump said with a little tweaking, he could get that number up to 50 million. Kathleen Madigan has been on The Tonight Show. I pay attention to this comics keep score. She's been on The Tonight Show 14 times. Letterman at least five. Jerry Seinfeld's Comedians in Cars, Getting Coffee. And her new special, Bothering Jesus, is on Netflix. Comics from my generation, that's what we do. We have like little trading cards and it's like Kathleen Madigan. Fourteen Tonight Shows, five Lettermans, 10 Conans. If you're of a certain generation, that's how you measure it. Her new special is hysterical. She talks about drinking, Jesus, her incredibly large and funny family. Visiting Ireland and growing up in Missouri. Kathleen's been at it for a while. She's performed on every stand-up television show ever made. As I mentioned earlier, Letterman, Conan, Ferguson, so on. And as we'll find out, not only has she been on Ferguson, she grew up in Ferguson, Ferguson, Missouri. Yeah, she was nominated for a 2014 American Comedy Award for Best Concert Comic and her third hour-long special, Madigan Again, was named one of iTunes' best comedy albums for 2013. Look at this, she's released four CDs, two DVDs, starred in two HBO specials, three Comedy Central specials, and she has gone overseas to entertain our troops. I believe she's been in both Afghanistan and Iraq. Also, Micah Fox, she's a terrific comic who hosts two podcasts. Both, I really recommend that you guys download them. This week in Jack'n, where people describe what they're masturbating to. And Shaman, where she and comedian Karen Feehan can't help but put you in your place. They don't think you're special. And frankly, you're embarrassing yourself, so stop it. Go listen to Shaman. It's really funny, unrelenting. A little business to take care of before we get to Kathleen Madigan. Last week I was talking about Heaven's Gate, the cult from San Diego, where they all followed Doe. He was a musical theater guy from Broadway who moved to San Diego and started the Heaven's Gate cult. He convinced everybody to put on Nike tracksuits, cut off their nuts, take this poison, so they could all greet the Comet Cahotech. I said it was the Comet Cahotech. I was wrong. It was the Comet Hallibop or Haleybop, not Cahotech. Special thanks to Paul Pot for correcting me. See, I made a mistake. I confused the Comet Cahotech with Haleybop. It was Haleybop. They cut their nuts off, killed themselves to get on board the Mbop. Comet with the Hanson brothers. No, Comet Haleybop. See, I made a mistake. When was the last time somebody on the network news corrected themselves? We have a great show. We really do. Coming up, Kathleen Madigan, Micah Foxx and Scott Rogowski. It's an embarrassment of riches. Speaking of an embarrassment of riches, the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy came out with a report yesterday saying, and this is just, I mean, this is going to upset you. This is going to get you angry. 258 Fortune 500 companies were consistently profitable for the past eight years and paid only 21.2% taxes. Now that would be their effective tax rate, even though the nominal tax rate in America for corporations is 35%. I learned something today. I learned the difference between an effective tax rate and a nominal tax rate. The effective tax rate is what people pay. The nominal tax rate is what they're supposed to pay. So corporations are supposed to pay 35%. That's the nominal rate, effective rate, depending on your accountants and lawyers. For 258 Fortune 500 companies, it's 21.2%. That's the effective tax rate. We have one of the highest nominal corporate tax rates in the industrialized world. That's what Republicans will tell you. What they won't tell you is that the reason our nominal corporate tax rate is so high is because the effective tax rate, what corporations actually pay, is so low. Because, as we're going to talk about, they park so much of their money overseas. They have accountants and lawyers. The study from the Institute on Taxation and Economic Policy, in their report, I'll link to it at my website, they revealed that many of the big corporations that are lobbying Washington to lower the corporate tax rate so they can be more competitive, so they can stay here in America and not become a corporation in Ireland or Europe for lower tax rates. They already pay substantially less rate than the 35% nominal rate. These were some of the key findings. 100 Fortune 500 companies enjoyed at least one year in which their federal income tax rate was zero or less or less. That means subsidies, right? Even though they were making a profit. 24 Fortune 500 companies during the past eight years paid zero taxes in four out of eight years. 18 companies, including General Electric International Paper, Priceline.com and PG&E paid no federal income tax over an eight-year period. Collectively, 258 corporations received $513 billion in tax breaks over the last eight years. More than half of those tax breaks, $277 billion, went to just 25 of the most profitable companies. The five biggest beneficiaries of tax breaks during the past eight years were AT&T, they got $38 billion. That's like a subsidy of $38 billion. Wells Fargo, $31 billion. Remember Wells Fargo? They were the ones who were signing their clients up for checking accounts and charging them even though the clients didn't know they had new checking accounts and new fees. JP Morgan got $22 billion. Verizon, $21 billion. IBM, $17.8 billion. Tax breaks for executive stock options were one of the reasons these corporations don't have to pay so many taxes. The Fortune 500 companies were able to lower their tax rate by $51 billion during the past eight years collectively by writing off executive stock options. Those tax breaks went to companies like Facebook. We're going to talk about Facebook. Bernie Sanders read the report and he's our senator from Vermont. And when I say our, I mean America's only Elizabeth Warren, there are a couple of good senators out there. He and Senator Brian Schatz, the Democrat from Hawaii, introduced a bill yesterday that would eliminate tax loopholes that allow companies to park money overseas. This is what Bernie Sanders said on Thursday. We have rigged the tax code that has essentially legalized tax dodging for large corporations. He said offshore tax haven abuse has become so absurd that one five-story office building in the Cayman Islands is now the home to more than 18,000 corporations. So you tell me this is capitalism. How is this anything other than using the billions of dollars these corporations have to rewrite laws so they can be free to commit what is criminal behavior? It's just criminal behavior. It's unpatriotic. It's anti-American. It's grand theft democracy. It is not capitalism. And it makes me feel like Dottie Sandusky. I keep waking up in the middle of the night thinking, what is happening in America? I'm Dottie Sandusky. Jerry Sandusky had a wife. I'm pretty sure her name was Dottie. Dottie Sandusky. If it wasn't Dottie Sandusky, it should have been. But I'm pretty sure it was Dottie. And Dottie had a nice life. She was married to Jerry Sandusky, who for 30 years was second in command to Joe Paterno's Penn State football team. That was a juggernaut. If you follow college football, you know who Papa Paterno was. That was more than a team. Football at Penn State, it was a religion. And Jerry Sandusky, well, he was a priest. And Dottie had it made. She was married to Jerry Sandusky. It gave her confidence. It made her feel special in the community. She had security and the confidence to know that her husband was taking care of her. He was taking care of the family and the community. Occasionally, there were strange sounds coming from the basement. But Dottie never questioned them because her husband, Jerry Sandusky, was a pillar of the community. Everybody knew that Jerry Sandusky was a good man. And as the years went on, you know, Dottie began to suspect things. But it was probably something wrong with her. She was getting older and cynical. She wanted more out of life and the marriage. So she questioned her own dedication to Jerry as he became more and more distant and, yes, harder to love. But Dottie was raised to believe in marriage. It's a sacred institution. And she would keep her mouth shut, never questioned. She turned a blind eye to herself, her marriage, to her husband. She just soldiered on through something that each year was making her feel more rotten inside. She couldn't put a finger on why she felt so bad, especially because everybody told her she had it all. Because she was Mrs. Jerry Sandusky. How could she not be happy? I feel like Dottie Sandusky. April 15th is coming up. Time to get our taxes ready. People listen to the show. We're the schmucks getting ready to pay our taxes for April 15th. Is the lying Neanderthal in the Oval Office sitting in Obama's chair? Is he going to pay us taxes? Why should he? The people in charge don't have to. They really don't. I just read you the study that came out yesterday. Microsoft would have to pay about $30 billion more in taxes. Just on the nearly $100 billion it's keeping in offshore accounts. You know there's the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. They dole out $3.5 billion a year. Microsoft avoids in taxes each year about $4.6 billion a year. That's just from the money they keep overseas. By parking money overseas they avoid about $1 billion more than what Bill and Melinda Gates give out to Africa and impoverished nations. I feel rotten inside when I read that. I feel played. I feel lied to. I feel like Dottie Sandusky. I feel sick to my stomach. If you don't feel sick to your stomach, it's only because your bariatric bypass went horribly wrong. What's happening in America right now, this is the time when all of us, including the corporations, it's time to put the cards on the table. It's time for all of us to go downstairs after dinner. It's time for Dottie to open the door to the basement and take a good look. Take a good look at Jerry. You don't have to walk all the way downstairs and see everything. Nobody should have to see that. But it's time to walk halfway down the basement steps. Look at your husband Jerry in his underwear, wrestling with the boys and say to yourself, this is not normal. It's wrong. I need to alert the authorities. This is not right, folks. You watch the news. You have two choices. You can get depressed or you can alert the authorities. This is not normal. The way we are living here in America, it is not normal. Do I believe in American exceptionalism? Yeah, damn right I do. We are unlike any other country in the history of the world. The same way Jerry and Dottie Sandesky's home in State College, Pennsylvania, was unlike any other home in the history of the world. You're depressed. You should be depressed. I'm out of my mind right now. And a lot of us like to think it's Trump that's making us feel this way. But this has been going on for a long time. Trump is just the wrecking ball coming in and shattering everything, our belief systems. He's destroying lives. He's destroying the lives of migrant workers, undocumented immigrants, Arabs. But, you know, he's providing a great service at the same time, because this is the ultimate wake-up call. It's time for all of us to realize that we are a nation of bullies, swimming in guns, nuclear weapons, and money that has been concentrated into the tiny, rapacious hands of inherited stolen wealth. It is impossible now to make money in this country, to be an entrepreneur, unless you're either breaking the law, not paying taxes, or hiring people to break these laws for you, or hiring people to rewrite the laws so they don't apply to you. Donald Trump, whose tax returns we can't see, he isn't the outlier. He is just an inelegant manifestation of wealth in America. He lacks class. He is the embodiment of nouveau riche. He is the common man with money, something the landed aristocracy always resents. He is somebody they will always distance themselves from, because it reminds them of how their wealth was gotten. One thing about the Trumps, Donald, those three idiot kids, they were born with some money, but unlike so many of the descendants of scumbags like John D. Rockefeller, Carnegie or Vanderbilt, the Trump kids, they continue to dirty their hands, making more money, instead of greenwashing their wealth by building libraries, museums, or Bill and Melinda Gates' case eradicating polio in Africa. Bill Gates? He's a hero? Ask anybody who was trying to start a company in Silicon Valley during the 80s and 90s about Bill Gates and Steve Ballmer and their predatory, vindictive, monopolistic practices. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is only doing good work, and they may not be, and we'll get to this later, their foundation is only able to do what it does, because the Justice Department in the 80s decided to break up AT&T instead of Microsoft. They had a choice, Judge Green broke up AT&T, they could have also broken up Microsoft, but they didn't. Are Bill and Melinda doing good work, maybe? Not sure they're helping our public schools with their money, maybe ruining them. Not sure they have the right to dump conditional money into our public schools and dictate curriculum. Microsoft's fortune was built by predatory behavior. We have a Justice Department that facilitated Bill and Melinda Gates' fortune, and now they get to spend that fortune overseas and in this country without our scrutiny. Don't fall prey to their marketing, their public relations, because the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, the money they're doling out, that belongs to the United States government, that money belongs to the IRS. Bill Gates owns about 5% of Microsoft. That fortune comes, that money has been amassed because Microsoft is a monopoly that was never broken up by the Justice Department, Microsoft is a monopoly that has enough money to pay lawyers to rewrite tax code so Microsoft can avoid $5 billion, $6 billion a year in taxes because they keep some of their profits overseas. The money Bill and Melinda Gates stole out, that's our money. That's ours to dole out. Bill and Melinda Gates are running a foundation that is essentially a tax dodge. They have not given away their entire fortune. That's a myth. Bill and Melinda Gates continue to get wealthier and wealthier. They hire the accountants and the lawyers so they don't have to pay taxes. So they don't get to be heroes. They don't get to spend billions of dollars in Africa. That is the job and the responsibility of you and me and our government, the real citizens of the world who actually pay taxes. How dare Bill and Melinda Gates claim to be philanthropists when they're using our money, when they're using our tax dollars, the money they owe the IRS to paint themselves as benefactors. We are being lied to by Bill and Melinda Gates, by the Republican Party, and we are being trained and manipulated to believe that our financial problem is our fault. The same way Jerry Sandusky manipulated Dottie into believing that if maybe she made herself more attractive, if she looked younger, Jerry wouldn't need young boys. We as Americans have been tricked into thinking it's our fault that there's a budget deficit. That entitlements are the reason we have a debt and a deficit. We want food stamps. We want Medicare and Medicaid and healthcare. We can't afford that. We want too much from the government. We have to stop sucking off the teat of the government when we cannot get the Fortune 500 companies to pay something even close to their nominal tax rate. No, we've been convinced it's all our fault that there are no good jobs. When the same companies that get tax subsidies and don't pay taxes are shipping our jobs overseas. No, it's our fault. It's my fault. I'm the schmuck who pays us taxes, but it's my fault there's no money for universal health insurance. It's my fault that entitlements cost so much. We are being lied to and being told that it's a level playing field and that this is capitalism and freedom and all you need is an idea and a work ethic. And you too can be Bill Gates or Steve Jobs or Donald Trump because it's a meritocracy. So if I'm broke, it's because I spent too much on garbage. I didn't work hard enough. That's a lie. We are victims of greed, of the greed of about 40 families who control all the wealth in America. This is not a meritocracy. This is not a democracy. This is not the free market. This is authoritarianism. This is mercantilism where Jerry Sandusky convinces the victims that it's their fault. They've been molested. Remember Think Different? It was that big Apple advertising campaign. It was genius. It had nothing to do with the internal workings of a Mac computer. Nothing about the electronics. Nothing about the chips. It was all about Think Different was all about taking a box, a computer, and piggybacking it onto Gandhi, Muhammad Ali, Martin Luther King, Einstein, celebrating people who were crazy enough to change the world. And people said, if I get a Macintosh, if I get an Apple computer, then I'll be like Gandhi, Muhammad Ali, Martin Luther King, and Einstein. Okay, I'll buy an Apple. These commercials were brilliant. The marketing was incredible. They never went over RAM, never went over operating systems. It simply said to you, hey, if you think you have the moral compass of a Gandhi, a Muhammad Ali, a Martin Luther King, then you should buy an Apple. And we did. Apple computers, I'm addicted. I'm convinced they're great. I think they're great. I mean, do I have a choice? Because in the end, Steve Jobs was a vindictive. He was a manipulative prick. He wasn't offering us choice. In fact, that was the beauty of Mac. We had no choice. You wanted to learn how to make a movie? You use iMovie. You want to learn how to do a podcast? You use GarageBand. This is my operating system. This is a Mac. You will use the software we tell you to use. Steve Jobs didn't invent the Mac. He knew how to market it. Because in the end, he demanded that his employees deliver what he couldn't buy from other companies. That's the dirty dark secret about these entrepreneurs, these great minds, Jobs, Gates, Mark Zuckerberg, they aren't inventors. Bill Gates, Steve Jobs, Mark Zuckerberg, they like Thomas Edison were buyers. They all bought other people's ideas because they had money, investors, and they buy up people and their inventions and put them all under one umbrella organization and lay claim to them. Why do Apple, Facebook, and Microsoft have the money to buy up ideas? Because they have powerful lawyers who make it, who arrange it so that while the rest of the poor idiots like you and me, who try to try to start a company and meet payroll and pay taxes, Apple, Facebook, Microsoft, they've always had venture capital on their side, venture capital on a scale equal to a sovereign nation, to a sovereign fund that could bankroll and steamroll their competitors, bankrolling accounting schemes so they don't have to pay taxes. That's why Apple is headquartered in Cupertino, California. But they pay their local taxes, not to Cupertino, California, but to Nevada, because Apple is legally headquartered in Nevada. It has a mailbox in Nevada. And that's why the school system in Cupertino, California, you know, the very same public school that produced Steve Wozniak who invented the Apple computer. That's why the public school system in Cupertino, California, where Apple is nominally headquartered. That's why the city of Cupertino, California, where Apple is nominally headquartered is effectively going broke. Cupertino is effectively going broke. I learned something today, nominal and effective tax rates, and I'm going to use that. And so should you. I know what you're thinking, David, you're just angry at the world, you're going crazy, and you're making stuff up, and you're a comedy writer who is flat on his back, can't leave the apartment, you're reading your Kindle, you wish you were a journalist, you wish you were a muck raker, you're drunk on morality. Well, all that's true. And I'm an asshole. But say hello to Barry Chang. He's the mayor of Cupertino. That's where Apple is nominally headquartered. I'm just going to keep using the phrase nominally, because it's a word that will just eventually help me and you understand we are nominally the wealthiest country in the history of the world, and yet we are effectively broke. The other word, effectively, nominally and effectively, we're all going to learn important words today. Nominal tax rates, effective tax rates, and then you'll see why Paul Ryan, the nominal speaker of the house, is effectively a tool of 40 of the richest families in the world, effectively owning our nominal democracy. Barry Chang, he is the mayor of Cupertino. Mayor Chang told the Guardian, which everybody should subscribe to, he told the Guardian last year that Apple is, quote, ripping off the city of Cupertino by not paying any taxes, and Apple, he says, is hiding all of its profits overseas where city, state, and federal tax collectors can't get it. Mayor Chang of Cupertino says, quote, Apple is not willing to pay a dime. This is not a frustrated comedy writer. This is a frustrated mayor trying to run a city that is broke. Chang, Mayor Chang, the mayor of Cupertino, where Apple is nominally headquartered, told the Guardian, quote, Apple's making profit and they should share the responsibility for our city, but they won't because they abuse us. The mayor of Cupertino said, Apple abuses the city of Cupertino by paying an effective tax rate of about 2.3 percent. Does that seem fair? He says Apple is keeping $181 billion parked overseas and in the fiscal year 2013, the city of Cupertino received total tax revenues of $9.2 million from Apple. Now, that seems like a lot of money, $9.2 million. Not to Apple. Cupertino invested in Apple back when Cupertino built the public school system that created Steve Wozniak, who created the Apple computer. No science class in the Cupertino public schools. No Steve Wozniak. No Steve Wozniak. No Apple computer. No Apple computer. No Steve Jobs. Think different. Yeah, that's different all right. That's anti-American different. Mayor Chang has personally asked Apple to give Cupertino $100 million to pay for infrastructure, roads, water, electricity, police, fire departments, all those things Apple needs so their employees can come to work each day to park money and jobs overseas. So Mayor Chang introduced a motion to the city council calling on Apple to cough up $100 million to pay for infrastructure and the entire city council voted against them, voted against that motion. How could that happen? How could an entire city council representing the voters of Cupertino, how could they all think the tax-paying voters of Cupertino who they represent wouldn't think it's fair that Apple pay its fair share of taxes? Something tells me the city council, much like our representatives in Washington, only nominally represent the voters in Cupertino. And I'm sure there are some voters in Cupertino who think Apple shouldn't have to pay taxes. I started doing comedy in San Francisco. That's about 60 miles away from Cupertino. I was doing comedy at the dawn of Silicon Valley and I would go visit fries down there with my friend Alex Bennett and he would show me where all the future billionaires bought their tools, which aisle at fries they walked around to create what essentially became the information age. Deep in my gut, I always had a problem with these computer geeks. Not because they were nerds, I like nerds. My problem with the computer geeks was their infatuation with toys, their Peter Panish quality, the permission they gave these computer companies to infantilize them, to encourage them to obsess on games, on software programs that isolated them from the community that turned them into bad citizens. Silicon Valley was built by and supported by this solipsistic breed of men who only require the illusion of human contact through the internet or through artificial intelligence or games. That makes them easy prey to corporatists in libertarian clothing. Corporatists in libertarian clothing who have convinced them to become apolitical because that's what the corporatists want. They won't tell you they're corporatists, they'll tell you they're libertarians. Get government off your back is what a corporatist will tell you because they want you to be apolitical. They don't want you to pay attention to the city council in Cupertino or Washington DC because if you pay attention you'll find out that the corporatists aren't paying their fair share. What the computer geeks who I met in Silicon Valley, not the ones who actually succeeded, the ones who enabled or were suckered by Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, Bill Gates was out of Seattle, but Larry Ellison, they were taught to think globally, but don't focus on your neighbor. Why bother with your neighbor? We're talking worldwide web here. What doesn't matter if your local schools and roads in Cupertino are turning to crap. You just dig deeper into your computer screen. Put on your Oculus headset. That's the real reality. No, the real reality is that Sin City is really Sin City. I've talked about this countless times. Martin Luther King says anything that separates you from your fellow man is a sin. Anything that removes you from the fabric of humanity is an act against nature. It's an act against whatever higher power you believe in. It's a sin. So I wonder what Martin Luther King, who so prominently featured in those think different commercials that Apple was so proud of, I wonder what Martin Luther King who thought different. I wonder what he would have to say about a company like Apple not paying taxes about creating devices that remove you from the fabric of humanity. You wouldn't be listening to me if it weren't for Apple. Apple invented the podcast. I think maybe I think they invented the podcast. Apple makes a great product. I think do I have a choice? How many companies have the money to scale at a level like Apple does to mass produce an iPhone at Foxconn in China, where the female employees work at gunpoint and the plant managers have to place netting around the windows to catch these women when they try to jump to their deaths. Yeah, that's a fact. But like Dottie Sandusky, we don't want to know how our Apple computers are made. We don't want to open the door to the basement because the iPhone, like Jerry Sandusky, provides so much for us. And we're all told that Apple is such a great company and an inspiration, and that Steve Jobs was a 21st century Henry Ford or Thomas Alva Edison. Yeah, he was a 21st century Henry Ford or Thomas Alva Edison. He was exactly like Henry Ford and Thomas Alva Edison. And just like Henry Ford and Thomas Alva Edison, Steve Jobs and Bill Gates, they have enough money to greenwash their sins. So history will only remember Pixar and the computer and the bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. The same way, we only remember the light bulb and the Model T, not the union busting, not the bullying, not the invention of the electric chair and the torturing of prisoners and animals to prove that my invention of the electric chair works. That's what Thomas Edison did. Edison, Ford, Rockefeller, Carnegie, JP Morgan. If you're religious, I guess you'd have to call these men the devil. You might want their money, but I don't think you would want their contrition. Actually, you might, since they probably aren't capable of contrition. You know, I always say I wouldn't mind having that kind of money. I don't think you can get that money unless you're willing to do what they do. By the way, I'm a sucker for making money and capitalism. I'm still stupid enough to believe that in this country, you can make money with a work ethic. I still believe in capitalism, but now it's harder and harder to believe in it because this isn't even crony capitalism. This is mercantilism, which predates capitalism. Mercantilism is the government working with handpicked corporations to create an economy in which only a select few thrive because they have the full backing of the crown or the government. And most importantly, it's military. It's police. Ever wonder why it's the sheriff, the sheriff who gets his salary paid by taxpayers? Ever wonder why it's the sheriff who comes and forecloses on your house? That's what mercantilism is. Monopolistic privileges granted to those players favored by the state. This country was founded by mercantilists. You know, you had a corporation like the East India Company which was chartered by the English government under Queen Elizabeth and protected by the English Navy. And in return, the crown owned a piece of that corporation, as did other government officials, who would make official government policy to benefit the company which they own shares in. Do you understand what I'm saying? So you had people in Parliament, you had people in the Royal Court who owned a piece of the East India Company, which was chartered by the crown. And then they would make decisions to benefit, they would make government decisions to benefit the East India Company because these government officials owned stock in the East India Company. Let me see, let me see if I can give you a modern day equivalent. Imagine if the CEO of Exxon Mobile, I think his name is Rex Tillerson, imagine if he was made Secretary of State, that way he could make foreign treaties for America that favored Exxon Mobile, which he and his family and relatives and friends owned stock in. It would be like Exxon Mobile would be like a corporation chartered by the U.S. government, but owned and operated by people who either work for Exxon Mobile or have worked for Exxon Mobile and now work for the U.S. government. That's that's what mercantilism is and that's what our country would be if something like the head of Exxon Mobile becoming our Secretary of State. By the way, mercantilism, our country came about because of mercantilism, mercantilism, and it wasn't until 1776 when Adam Smith wrote The Wealth of Nations, which was an attack on mercantilism in which he sang the praises of capitalism. 1776 is also the year Thomas Jefferson wrote The Declaration of Independence and Great Britain ushered in a new era of capitalism and put an end, we were told, to mercantilism. It's come back. We are operating under mercantilism. If you don't believe me, if you don't believe that Exxon Mobile is running the show, there's no sunlight between Exxon Mobile and the government. Conduct an experiment. Call your congressperson. Give them your name and see if he comes to the phone. Then call the same congressman and say you're with Exxon Mobile. Seriously, see what happens. I recently worked on a pilot for a television show where we pretty much tried that. You can get a congressperson or a senator, any one of them, to come to the phone if they think you're with Exxon Mobile. If they think you have money to donate or a job for them when they leave office or a job right now for their wife, for their children, or a former aide, they'll come to the phone. That's mercantilism. It's being sold to you as free market capitalism, but that is mercantilism. You don't think Exxon Mobile doesn't know how to convince you this is still the free market. You don't think they know how to convince us that they're the leading provider of clean energy while at the same time the leading provider of science that proves climate change is a hoax. You don't think they know how to manipulate you. You don't think these Fortune 500 companies that don't pay their taxes. You don't think they know how to convince us that they're all about democracy, the free market, and capitalism. You don't think they know how to sell you a false bill of goods. Think of Coke. By the way, Coke, of course, one of the top Fortune 500 companies, they park their money overseas. They get tax subsidies. Think about Coca-Cola. You're addicted to it. I'm not, but most people are. I'm addicted to coffee. Check the sodium content in Coca-Cola. Coca-Cola is very high in salt. Why would that be? Salt makes you crave water. And there's water in Coke, but it's salt water, which will kill you. Salt water shouldn't be ingested. It makes you thirstier. So, how do you disguise the taste of salt? Sugar. You know, anybody who salts their corn, you pour too much salt on your corn or in your soup or your spaghetti, what do you do? You add sugar. Sugar disguises the taste of salt. That's why Coke has so much sugar. Coke isn't about sugar, though. It's about the salt. Why? Because salt makes you thirstier, which means you end up drinking more Coke because you will never quench your thirst if all you do is drink salt water. Somehow they're able to manipulate us. Coke has you all convinced that you want to quench your thirst? Drink Coke. Drink this salt water to quench your thirst. And the same geniuses who have convinced you to drink salt water to quench your thirst, they are also capable of convincing you that you live in a democracy, that this is a free market, that this is capitalism, that anybody with a little hard work and determination can be the next Bill Gates or Mark Zuckerberg just adds sugar. That's how you do it. That's some sugar. Want to rip off the American people? Just add sugar. Just add a teaspoon of capitalism, another teaspoon of democracy, or a big tablespoon of patriotism. You won't taste the poison. And you know what the real poison is? It's the sugar. That's what's killing you when you drink Coca-Cola. Sugar, which is just the cover-up. You know, it's not the crime, it's the cover-up. Sugar is what allows us to lie to our taste buds about the salt. But it's the sugar that's making us obese. It's the sugar that causes cancer and diabetes. Not the salt. Salt is really not that bad for you. But we just don't like the way it tastes in our water, so they add sugar to the coke to keep it secret from us. Sugar-coating is what destroys this country. Sugar-coating is what we do to lie to ourselves. Sugar-coating, sugar, is the lie that covers up that fools our taste buds, that convinces us that it's not corruption, greed, that the playing field is level, that Coca-Cola pays taxes, that we all play by the rules, because we're being fed the sugar of patriotism, the free market, democracy, freedom. That's what Exxon Mobil and Coca-Cola and Microsoft and Steve Jobs telling us to think different. They give us this sugar so we don't taste their monopolistic, predatory, job-killing, rapacious behavior. Mayor Chang of Cupertino says that Apple is building a 2.8 million square foot spaceship campus in addition to their other headquarters in Cupertino, while at the same time refusing to pay, he says, quote, a diamond taxes leaving the city's infrastructure decrepit, overcrowded, and broke. That's what the mayor of Cupertino says, decrepit, overcrowded, and broke. In other words, Cupertino is turning into a third world nation. Maybe the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation would like to step in. Bill Gates invested $100 million in the early 90s to save Apple. So a lot of the Bill Gates fortune comes from Apple. What about bailing out the public schools in Cupertino? Come on, Bill and Melinda Gates, you have money for the school system in Cupertino. After all, it was the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation that spent $200 million pushing Common Core, not in Africa, but in America. Bill Gates spent what is essentially our $200 million, as I already told you, this is money that belongs to the American taxpayer. But Bill Gates dumped $200 million into the American conversation about our public schools specifically to push Common Core. This from a man who doesn't know the first thing about education. This from a man whose entire myth is built on how unimportant colleges he dropped out of Harvard so he could buy MS-DOS. Again, he didn't invent MS-DOS. He and Steve Bomber purchased it because Bill Gates, well, his father was a wealthy lawyer who knew people. And Mark Zuckerberg's father is a wealthy dentist. His mother is now a psychiatrist. You know, he was a hard-working, ambitious kid, but the fact is Mark Zuckerberg stole the idea of Facebook while he was at Harvard. He dropped out of Harvard. And because he had, I'm not going to say wealthy parents, but comfortable parents who could hook them up with venture capital connections, he was able to outsmart the the Winklevoss twins. That's how it's done in America. Oculus. Facebook owns Oculus. Do you think Zuckerberg invented immersive 3D technology like Oculus? You really think a college dropout like Mark Zuckerberg is that smart? No, the venture capitalists who put money into Facebook brought him other companies that they invested in and convinced him to buy these companies. That's how it works when one of the companies takes off, the venture capitalists unload their other investments onto the company making money and they get their investment back 10 times, 100 times over. That's how it works. Venture capital works this way. You invest in 20 companies, three hit it big like Facebook, Microsoft, Apple. The companies that you invested in that aren't turning out like Facebook, Microsoft or Apple, you bully Facebook, Microsoft and Apple into buying the companies that are about to go bankrupt if they didn't have an angel investor behind it to get somebody to buy it. Think of YouTube. Back when YouTube was starting up, I was trying to start my own video company with no money. I actually learned had a compress video before NBC and HBO did like a schmuck. I took courses and learned how to deliver video through the internet tubes and my lawyer who's very smart said, it's not going to work. You don't have good money. And I said, what does that mean? And he said, good money makes good money. He said, when you have the right investors, they will take your company to the other companies with the right money and they'll make sure you succeed. Otherwise, you're going to fail. I tried to meet the good money and had one or two meetings and they knew right away once they met me that I had a big mouth. But I know the truth about YouTube. YouTube didn't invent YouTube. The technology was already there. Tons of guys were compressing video, but YouTube it was invented. If you want to say invented, it was started. It was invested in by three guys who had already made their fortune from PayPal. That's how it works. And then in October of 2006, when hardly anybody knew what YouTube was, they sell it to Google for what 1.6 billion dollars. How do you think that happened? The same people who invested in PayPal who knew these three guys, they also invested in Google and thought the three guys who created YouTube, they weren't geniuses. They played ball. They played ball. They were part of the game. They were going to take orders. And when the same venture capitalists had failing companies that weren't working, they knew that the three guys who started YouTube would buy their companies. Is it a mafia? You know, it's in its own way. It's a venture capital mafia. These guys who invented YouTube weren't geniuses. There were and still are plenty of video sites like YouTube. But YouTube got big because they had what essentially amounts to sovereign funds behind it. A sovereign fund is like Saudi Arabia. It's a sovereign fund. It's an entire nation investing in things. Well, venture capital, some of these venture capital funds are like Saudi Arabia. YouTube just had so much money behind it. There was no way it could go broke. Daily motion, Vimeo, they couldn't compete. Is that capitalism? Is that a level playing field? Is that the free market? I don't think that's competition. Then again, if I had billions to invest, I wouldn't have given it to me either. Every extra penny I have, I have blown on stupid, get rich quick schemes that have been designed for the sole purpose of making enough money so that I can lash out at people. I don't really think that's a business model. Anybody should bank role. Invest in me. I have an idea. I'm going to compress video to make ad hominem attacks on Henry Kissinger and his son. Anybody interested? Yeah, I didn't think so. The point I'm making is Zuckerberg Gates, they didn't graduate from Harvard, but they were anointed by Harvard. They got in, which is good enough. They didn't get the education. Not sure anybody at Harvard undergrad really gets an education. Gates, Zuckerberg, they got in because they were born into that lane. And because they craved more wealth, they gravitated to the wealth that would finance their vision to make other people's visions come to life. Like I said, Zuckerberg didn't invent Facebook. Gates didn't invent MS-DOS. They either stole it or purchased the innovations and the innovators that they now take credit for. And that's how they succeeded, taking credit, getting credit from rich investors. Common Core. So Bill Gates, who dropped out of Harvard, Mark Zuckerberg, they're going to talk to us about Common Core. Bill Gates invested $200 million in pushing Common Core down our throats here in America. $200 million that was our money because Microsoft doesn't pay taxes. Common Core was designed to make schools competitive to teach to the test, not to teach to the individual student. Every child is different. One size doesn't fit all. But how would Bill Gates, a college dropout, know that? No, Common Core creates soldiers. Students are not soldiers. Students don't all march in lockstep. We all learn at our own pace. I'm 58. And some of the things that I was taught in kindergarten, they're just beginning to sink in. I'm just beginning to fully understand the importance of sharing, listening, and concern for others. Common Core is a disaster. Diane Ravich came out against Common Core. She served as Assistant Secretary of Education under George Herbert Walker Bush. She's the real deal. She attacked that movie Waiting for Superman. She's against charter schools. Remember Waiting for Superman? Another rich prick spending his parents' money to make a documentary. Guy goes to private school all his life. But he's going to fix the public schools by preaching the virtues of charter schools. Yes, save us, rich people, all you products of private schools who've never stepped inside a public school. Tell us how to fix a public school, you narcissistic b****. This is what Diane Ravich said about Common Core. She said Common Core was developed by an organization called Achieve and the National Governors Association, both of which were generously funded by the Gates Foundation. There was minimal public engagement in the development of the Common Core. Their creation was neither grassroots nor did it emanate from the states. It was funded by Bill Gates, minimal public engagement in the development of Common Core. Bill Gates had $200 million to push it down our throats. The same way Bill Gates and his foundation spend billions, Warren Buffett is getting his billions, all of it, to Bill and Melinda Gates. All this money in the hands of two people, Bill and Melinda Gates, determining public policy here in America, in Africa. Where is the transparency? Where is the debate? Where are the congressional hearings to determine whether or not these billions are being spent properly and wisely? This is money that belongs to the United States government. This is the money that Bill and Melinda Gates should have been paying to the IRS. They don't get to be heroes for avoiding taxes and then deciding how they're going to spend their ill-gotten gains that they deprive the American people. This is our money to spend, not theirs. Right now, they have $47 billion and the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. When Warren Buffett dies, it'll be triple that. Let's say it's $150 billion. If you believe in freedom, if you believe in democracy and if you believe in sunlight, if you believe everyone should pay their fair share of taxes, that money belongs to America. It belongs to Washington and we as American citizens should decide how and where it's spent. Not Bill and Melinda Gates acting unilaterally. We have been fed another lie. We have been fed a lie. They have sugar-coated corporate America by trashing government. They have convinced us that the government can't spend money wisely, that only corporations know how to spend money. Is there waste in government? Yeah, but anyone who works in corporate America knows there is far greater waste on Wall Street and inside every Fortune 500 company. No government agency was ever headed by a cabinet official earning 700 times what the median employee of that agency earns. Do you know anybody who works for a Fortune 500 company? Chances are you don't, because they don't create jobs here in America. Fortune 500 companies have been sugar-coating their reputation with the same lie since the Reagan administration. The lie that government wastes your money but Wall Street and Fortune 500 companies don't waste a penny. They repeat that lie over and over until you actually believe it. Global justice now is a British think tank. Last year they issued a massive report on the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. According to global justice now, quote, with assets of 43.5 billion dollars, the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is the largest charitable foundation in the world. It is arguably the most influential actor on issues of global health and agriculture and distributes more aid for global health than any government. That could be America distributing that money for global health if Microsoft paid its taxes. Where does a college dropout who bullied and bought his way to the top get to dole out more money than the UN, more money than the United States? He is spending money that is not being subjected to democratic scrutiny. We have been told since the Reagan administration that you can't solve problems by simply throwing money at them. Sometimes throwing money at a problem creates even more problems. Sometimes that money ends up in the wrong hands. And that is why we need government to disperse this kind of money transparently with accountability and sunshine and hearings in the sloppy, messy, disgusting system of free and open democracy, which is annoying, hideous, stomach churning, and better than anything anybody else has invented. Global Justice, that's the British think tank that is demanding Bill and Linda Gates Foundation be audited. Global Justice writes, the world is being sold a myth that private philanthropy holds many of the solutions to the world's problems, when in fact it is pushing the world in many wrong directions. Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation is being allowed to speak too loudly and there are too many actors in international development falling into line with the Foundation's misguided priorities. Global Justice now, they issued a report, I'll link to it at my site. They claim that the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, in their attempts to solve famine, have become the leading promoter of dangerous fertilizers. They are the leading promoter of genetically modified crops. By pumping so much money into eradicating polio, Bill and Melinda Gates have left many third world countries unable to respond to other emergencies like Ebola. The Gates Foundation supports the patenting of seeds to benefit wealthy American agribusinesses, to benefit wealthy businesses like Monsanto. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation promotes the neoliberal idea that corporations, not governments, know what's best for struggling third world nations. Bill and Melinda Gates have taken on AIDS, tuberculosis and malaria, but by doing that they've partnered with the leading pharmaceutical companies. For example, Glax, Co, Smith, Klein and Pfizer manufacture the pneumonia vaccine, and they have earned more than $20 billion since this ammonia vaccine was invented back in 2009. The Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation buys the pneumonia vaccine. They pay $60 for each vaccine, even though many say they should only be paying $5 for the vaccine. But Bill Gates says, no, we need to keep the profit incentive. What he doesn't mention is that Glax, Co, Smith, Klein and Pfizer, the ones who make this vaccine that Bill Gates pays $60 for, the vaccine that has earned Glax, Co, Smith, Klein and Pfizer $20 billion in the past eight years. Bill Gates doesn't mention that his private public partnership to provide vaccines to third world countries, those two pharmaceutical companies sit on the board of directors. Bill Gates, because he has so much money, he has earned the right to dictate the price of a vaccine. Why does he get to dictate the price? The price of vaccinating a child now is 68 times more expensive than it was in 2007, and this study says that's partly because Bill and Melinda Gates have become the largest buyers of vaccines, and they refuse to negotiate with pharmaceutical companies. Why? Because pharmaceutical companies sit on the board of the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. Why do they sit on the board? Because Bill and Melinda Gates are one of the world's leading promoters of privatization, especially in the fields of health care and education. Leopards don't change their spots. Bill Gates has always believed in corporate supremacy. He will always believe corporations can do a better job at providing health care and education than we the people can, because he grew up in a bubble. And no matter how many third world countries Bill Gates visits, he still lives in a bubble. I'm sure he thinks he's doing the Lord's work, but it's not up to Bill and Melinda Gates to decide that buttressing Monsanto and Merck is the Lord's work. I think all of us should get to decide on what exactly the Lord's work is. That's why we have a democracy with transparency. You know, Ronald Reagan sold arms for hostages because he genuinely believed he was doing the Lord's work. And why did he think he was doing the Lord's work? Because Ronald Reagan was a senile cretin. George W. Bush genuinely thought the Iraqi people would welcome us as liberators. Because George W. Bush is an idiot who, through alcohol and cocaine, ravaged his brain to the point that when he turned 40, he actually thought he could be president. You can be president of the United States, the CEO of Microsoft, and still be dumber than a bag of Trumps. Just because you can bully your competitors into a $100 billion fortune, it doesn't mean your brain or your heart is in the right place. The report goes on to say that Bill and Melinda Gates believe money and technology can solve all of the Third World's problems. It says that Bill and Melinda Gates don't believe justice is what solves Third World problems, which is why Bill and Melinda Gates have no problem dealing with authoritarian regimes that, through corruption, create the economic conditions that foster disease and famine. If you believe in freedom, if you believe in democracy, then you should support those institutions that allow the money to flow down from democracy, from freedom. But Bill Gates, just like America these days, he believes in authoritarian regimes. He believes authoritarian regimes are the most efficient. History has shown that not to be true, but authoritarian regimes, like Donald Trump, offer quick fixes. They're cosmetic adjustments that temporarily create the illusions that the trains are running on time, when in fact the only reason the trains are running on time is because nobody can afford to buy a ticket. They're empty. It's go time, folks. Trump is in the Oval Office. Do you believe in democracy? I do. Do you believe in competition? I do. Do you believe in a free market? It's messy. It's sloppy, but I believe in it. Do you believe in paying taxes? I do, because it's the only thing that works. It's the only thing that's efficient. Trump is a bully. Bill Gates is a bully. They are authoritarians, just like Jerry Sandusky. They're big and powerful. They're liars. And you and me were Dottie Sandusky refusing to ask questions because it's cleaner. It's safer. Don't raise your voice. Folks, authoritarianism, it never ends well. It's not neat. It's not clean. It's not safe. Bill Gates is a college dropout. He's a bully. And what worked for the shareholders of Microsoft doesn't work for public school students. It doesn't work for third world people dying from hunger. He doesn't get to unilaterally decide how to solve all these problems. Bill Gates made his fortune being an unapologetic monopolist. Now he's greenwashing his money the very same way by being an unapologetic monopolist, acting unilaterally, working with corporations instead of government with zero transparency. He's spending our money. That money at the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, that's our money. Microsoft has not paid its fair share of taxes. Is Bill Gates' heart in the right place? We've been programmed to believe so. But who cares if Bill Gates is in the right place? Who cares if he tears up when he talks about mosquito nets? Ronald Reagan's heart was in the right place because he was an idiot. George W. Bush's heart was in the right place when he decided to give the Middle East democracy or capitalism or freedom, depending on what day of the week it was. I don't care about their hearts. I care about their brain. Bill Gates was a college dropout. He doesn't get to decide unilaterally on how money in-pan taxes gets to be spent. Because the most important thing a government can do is levy taxes. And the most important thing a democracy can do is debate how that money gets spent. You and I are being taxed. We're providing tax subsidies to Microsoft, Facebook, Apple, GE. And they return that favor by parking the money that belongs to us overseas and spreading the lie that corporations are more efficient than government. They spread the lie that corporations have to pay a 35 percent tax rate when the truth is they only pay about 20 percent if they pay any at all. Now everyone who is listening to me right now, you already know this. You know what money means. You know what it means to work for money so you can do the things you love. And we know when it's enough. We know that money buys the time to learn and learning is about teaching and teaching is learning. And that while money dissipates and gets wasted, knowledge only grows. The people listening to me right now, we know that because we're the teachers, we don't care about titles, degrees or fame. Well, I care about fame. We don't care how much money somebody has. Well, I care. But you, the people listening, you don't. We care mostly about what someone knows and what they're doing with that knowledge. That's why we listen to podcasts because we're off the grid, essentially. We have our internet that we're off the grid. We're willing to get completely off the grid, go without everything, except our books, our magazines and each other. We're turning off our TVs, turning down the noise. We're amazed by not what we know, but by what we don't know. And we don't care where somebody went to school. We care where somebody is teaching because we are all teachers. And good teachers listen. We listen to our students and then help them realize for themselves when they're wrong. We know that students don't learn from tests like the common core is preaching. They don't learn from grades. They learn from the aha moment when the teacher gave them enough time and space to figure out things for themselves. Kids learn, people learn by knowing what books to read and what questions to ask. And that is how you battle fake news. That is how you save this Republic from fake education, fake college educations, AM radio. You can't argue with someone when you're trying to teach to the people listening. You need to gently nudge Americans into the light. If you're listening to me right now, you know right from wrong. You don't need to win any arguments. You need to teach. You know universal healthcare is a right, not a privilege. You know television is destroying minds, turning us into obedient consumers instead of citizens who know that when their neighbor is healthy, when their neighbor is working, everyone benefits. You all know that. You know there's no argument. You know paying taxes on all your income is the moral thing to do. You know that war is wrong. Anger is an infirmity because you're teachers. You don't lord your knowledge over people. You share it because the simple act of sharing knowledge not only reinforces what you already know, it makes you question whether you know enough. If you're listening right now, you're accomplishing what so many Americans, including me, struggle with. The ability to listen instead of speak, to listen. Listening is sacred. To bear witness. To bear witness is a noble act. You need to listen to everyone because listening gives people the greatest gift, the gift of saying I acknowledge that you're alive and that you're thinking. Don't judge. Listen. Bear witness. The reason Trump supporters are so angry and violent, it's because nobody is listening to them. Listen to these people. Don't fight them. Don't argue. Listen and walk away because listening and not answering is teaching. Listening and not arguing or judging is teaching because when you allow someone to articulate what they truly think they believe, what they truly think they fear, what they truly think they want, then you are forcing them to confront their own internal dialogue for the first time and they end up teaching themselves. Listen, ask questions, but don't try to win because you're a teacher and a teacher never wins. A teacher helps someone arrive at an idea an idea based on facts. You got your crazy uncle? Don't argue with your crazy uncle. Ask him questions politely. He's your uncle. When he says something that you think is crazy, say, how do you know that? Are you certain that's true? Hey crazy uncle, can you teach me? Let's google that and find out if what you're saying is true. Don't try to win. What is your goal? What is your goal here? Your goal is to save this country from the stupid people because you're teachers. What is your goal? You don't need to win an argument on Facebook. You just need your crazy uncle to stay home on election day. That is your goal. That's it. You just need to provide enough doubt so that Republicans can't energize their base using fear and anger. You want your crazy uncle to stay home. How do you get rid of fear and anger by letting your crazy uncle vent, by listening and asking questions, not to make him feel stupid, but to make him stay home on election day? Maybe, maybe even make him come over to your side, but you don't need him to become a progressive liberal. You just need him to stay home. All of us are miserable. We're all, all of us are miserable now because we're terrified. So go back to what is sacred and what is sacred other people's struggle. Even your crazy uncle's struggle. He is afraid of losing whatever he has. Not his mind. He lost his mind years ago. So respect his fear. This is the richest country in the world. This is the richest country in the world. And yet everybody is convinced they're financially up against the ropes because we have been convinced to value everything based on money, based on whether or not it's worth money or makes us money. How many times have you heard people say, I have my kids stop taking singing lessons because she's never going to make it. Make it? You mean make money? Singing is sacred. You should sing because you're bad at singing, because you're not a good singer. But since Reagan, we have attached money. We've attached the profit incentive to college, farming, healthcare, news, even charity, even charity has become profit driven. The head of Red Cross makes a couple of million dollars a year. Money is good. Providing work for people is sacred. Collecting taxes and making sure those taxes are spent properly, that's also sacred. But I was raised to believe that the things we do where there's no money involved, those are the most sacred. Not anymore. Not in America. If you can't make a profit, it has no value. That's why schools are being privatized, healthcare is privatized, charity is privatized. It's why Bill Gates has the audacity to believe that you can run a charity like the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation, as though it's a corporation in bed with other corporations that create the problems charities are supposed to solve. This is not normal. This is sick. You know it's sick. So teach. Teach. Every day, teach. Stop spending your money. Stop worrying about making money. Do your job and spend less than you make. This is the time to really decide how much do you really need? What do you need? And if you're listening, you know the answer to that question. You need time with the people and the books you love. The rest is noise. Stop worrying. Stop listening to the voices in your head. Listen to others. Don't argue. Don't fight. Teach. If you are listening to this show and having a good time, copy and paste it into an email and share it. This is going to take a different direction. I was planning. Oh, I was planning a completely different show with Kathleen Madigan, who joins us from Nashville, Tennessee. Hello, Kathleen Madigan. First of all, I love you. I know you more from your stand-up than I do from our personal interactions. I've seen you in clubs. We've hung out in Ireland. We'll get to all that. But one of the great things about being a stand-up comic is I can watch you on television and respect your work. And that's all that matters between us, right? Yeah, you can make sure I'm still alive. That's all you have to do. Yeah, but in other words, I don't have to worry about running into you or talking to you on the phone and saying, oh, we haven't spoken in six months. What's up? All you have to know is that I respect you. And that's all that matters, right? That's what I go to sleep with at night. And it's enough. It's plenty. I'm saying like with standard... David Feldman likes. That's what I say to myself. David Feldman likes me. That's not... You know what I'm saying. That's how stand-up comics bond. You know, that's how it works. We don't have to... You know, BBS has to all your log and talk all the time. No, it should pick up right where it left off. If you're normal, that's how it should work. If you're a normal comedian. Yes. Yes, exactly. But in terms of friends and family who are not comedians, they don't understand that we go long periods of time without talking to people and like to pick up where it started. They have higher expectations out of a relationship. And I learned that on Oprah. Some people, all relationships starts with definitions. What do you mean if we're friends? Here's what I mean. And I think without any coaching, all comedians have agreed on the definition of, I will see you when I see you. And that's it. And it's fine. If everybody could roll like that, there would be a lot less people with their feelings hurt. I don't think we do good with feelings. I don't really care about feelings. It's just thoughts. I care about thoughts. I don't care about feelings. My feelings were hurt, really hurt. You didn't call. Well, I didn't have anything to say. So, you know, your feelings shouldn't be hurt. Grow up. I don't want to see you. Is that too harsh? Is that too much of my father's speech? Well, are we... Can I tell what you did in Ireland to make me laugh so hard? We're going to get to that because I'm on edge right now. Are you still there? Okay. Yes, I'm here. Are your things still, are your skypes still working? Okay. Now, I'm going to ask you a couple of leading questions here about my Skype. Okay. Have you ever seen me be paranoid? Have you ever seen me angry? Not for real. Right. I'm a pretty... I mean... Yeah. Right. Thank you. You know, I... Yes. Right. Okay. So, on today's show, I went after the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation. I don't want to get into it, but you'll hear the top of the show and you'll hear me going after Bill and Melinda Gates and how they don't pay taxes and how they shouldn't be donating their fortune to third-world nations because it's not their fortune to give away. It's our money. It's... They didn't pay their taxes and they're ruining the planet, by the way, because he's a corporatist trying to solve the world's problems, coordinating everything with pharmaceutical companies in Monsanto. So, I went after Bill Gates and then I... Aren't you glad you agreed to do... That's a light subject. That's a very light subject to start with. Hi, honey. Would you like some coffee? Bill Gates is ruining the world. What? Damn him and those mosquito nets. And then I went after... I thought he was giving water to people. Okay. But I'll believe you. Hey, when is the last time you had water? Well, you know, that's funny because I had to because I had to take some antibiotics because I had a sinus infection. And I was like, what? Water is involved? No. Yeah. That's funny you would know that. No, I'm not. There's water and beer and I don't know why people can't give me any credit for that. Okay. So, what happened? Did somebody yell at you for this tirade of yours? No, no. I'm just... I'm having... Because I'm not well psychologically because of what's happening in the world. Although, I'm pretty sure Hillary could have won or Bernie could have won and I'd still be out of my mind. I don't think... I like to blame Trump for my mental illness. Okay. So, here we go. I'm not paranoid. And then I went after Steve Jobs and said Apple doesn't pay taxes and I talked about Foxconn and the suicide nets and the women who make your iPhones and our products are made at gunpoint in China. Okay. Now, I'm looking forward to Kathleen Madigan. Now, I got Kathleen Madigan on the show and we set the interview for Tooth, Herdy. Right? And what happened? Yes, we did. And what happened? And I wrote back Tooth, Herdy and then Open Mail. That's what I did while you did that and it was slow and I already had gathered I'm not going anywhere so it's fine. Okay. So, I'm alone in the studio today and I'm doing this... That's even more dangerous. There's no one there to tell you to stop. Who's next on your list, Santa Claus? Let me tell you something about this corporate bastard who's disappointing children worldwide. Do you know how many children wake up on Christmas without presents? I'll give you some statistics. Next week, the Easter Bunny myth, legend or Tooth's disappointment. I think you're right about those people though but I'd have to hear your podcast but that's the thing I could be swayed easily. So, yours could say one thing and then I could listen to another one and I go, David overreacts. You know, if I listen to the other side, it just depends on who I hear and what time I hear it. Hang on. Let me... My head is spinning now because I actually wish that were my act. Just attacking Santa Claus in the Easter Bunny. I really do. I wish... Okay. So, Skype, we do this interview via Skype. Skype used to be... I think they were a Swedish or a Finnish company and they were doing very well and then Bill Gates, Microsoft bought Skype. Right? Is this true? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Okay. Okay. And everything Microsoft touches turns to crap. Now, I'm trying to get you on the line and I've just attacked the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation and my Skype doesn't work. Maybe that's why. Well, there you go. And hang on. I'm doing this on a MacBook Pro which is only two years old. The other person you attacked. And that's... And suddenly my two-year-old MacBook Pro and my Skype are not working. Literally... What have we learned today? What have we learned today? Five minutes after I went after Steve Jobs, Tim Cook, Apple and Microsoft. Well, we've either learned one of two things. You're right. Oh, you have an older inflated source of importance. One of the two. You know, and you're worried about your Skype not working. And Kellyanne Conway says the microwave is recording my actions and I'm a little more concerned about that. So, you're worried about your stuff not going through. You should be a lot more worried about what you're putting in that microwave every day. So ridiculous. Well, but hang on, Kathleen, Megan. I know we need to talk about your Netflix special and where you're playing and all that stuff. But you brought up the microwave. Now, you're gonna... This is not the way I wanted this interview to go. But I'm not doing well, okay? And there were... All right. And the WikiLeaks last week. Right. What did they say about the microwave? The WikiLeaks, do they say something? I thought you just made that up. I don't know. I don't believe WikiLeaks because I don't even believe Wikipedia because it said for five years I was married to Carrot Top. Because I didn't care and I thought, well, people want to believe that. But you can't believe how many people believed it. So WikiLeaks, Wiki, Wikipedia, anything Wiki. I don't believe it. Anything that starts with Wiki. Wiccans, I do believe Wiccans. Lord, the singer is a Wiccans. I don't... Really? I don't believe Wiki. Yeah, she... They had a big midnight thing to catch the spell on Donald. She required all the other witches in the world. This was last Saturday. I don't know why you're not paying attention to witch activity. Some men, too. I don't know. I don't know how that works in the witch world. But Lord was in charge of it. So we'll see if it works. We can be royals, that Lord? Yes. She's a witch. Google it when as far as to tweet the recipe for the spell for new witches. Now I'm getting... Now I'm getting scared. Well, don't be scared. I saw it, sir. Okay. So WikiLeaks last week said... And then we're going to... Then I'm done. And the name of this... Okay. What did they say? I mean, I do follow the news. What part? I'm sure... They said that the CIA can listen to our conversations through a Samsung television. I'm not making that up. Right. That's what I... Is it only...? That's what I've heard through my Sony. My Sony television told me that. Here's my problem. Here's my problem of all. There's two schools of thought and they always are competing with themselves in the same human. The same people it says, I don't want to give the government my money. They don't know what they're doing. And then they say that the government's capable of listening. Think of how much you have to edit. Just me yelling at people and talking to radio people. I mean, who cares? There's... You couldn't... You're either saying we have the most progressive adept government on the planet, but these are the same people that say we have the most inept government on the planet. Wow. So it's one or the other. Do I think they can do that? I mean, what do I know? I would say no because I've been to the post office and I see how the government rolls and it's very slow. Very, very slowly. They're still taking papers, pieces of paper, around the country for 52 cents. Now you're going to tell me, is that a front? Because that will be the next thing in the conspiracy thing. The post office is a front to make you think they're archaic, but actually they're like the Jetsons and there's all these things going on, Kathleen. You don't even know. It's one or the other. Would you do a show with me just to make money and we could do it under a Zoom name so we don't sully your sterling reputation by being associated with me? Where we do the Alex Jones thing and the conspiracy and we just make money with that? That would be a... I would totally do it because the fun of it is blowing holes in the conspiracy theories. Okay, my brother and I do this all the time, but he doesn't do Skype as well as you do, so I would prefer you than my brother. My biggest one is Malaysian Flight 370. Now my brother goes, my brother thinks, there's a big thing on my special, I go on and on about it, but he said, I think, and he has all these places where government, apparently we do have bases, that's for real, in all these strange places. There was somebody or something on that plane, they wanted, somebody took it, and then I said, well, Patrick, then what happened to all those people? He said, well, they were killed. And I said, okay, and our father is a lawyer and a judge, and I said, well, then you know the next question, Pat. Did one person do it or were there two? Because if there's two, then there's a 50% chance higher that that information got out. So you're going to tell me one person murdered and buried 234 people. The fun of it though, well, it's usually fun in a bar. It's like a three beer conversation, where you start really finding the holes in this lodge, say, okay, if Samsung, if the government is listening to, and who is it just important people, or is it random? Is it like a Nielsen box? Do you have to register? I don't understand those either. Maybe it's Nielsen that are doing it. Now, was somebody proud and could somebody have been spying on somebody in Trump Tower? Maybe you don't split because he was obviously, you know, he's registering as a foreign agent in places and doing things he shouldn't be doing. Well, maybe him, I think might be on a sale Friday that I laid out the pile of boxes and I randomly picked the one or my whole one. Okay, this is okay. So help me out here. Help me out here. Last night, and maybe I'm losing my mind, but I am pretty sure that my flat screen and my microwave were making fun of my hair transplants. Was your Amazon tech guy? Now that, if they would have said it, my dad, who was a defense attorney and doesn't like, you know, any infringement upon personal freedoms, he said, your mother brought one of those and plugged it from the wall and threw it as far as I could on the golf course. I mean, what kind of would let that in your home? Of course, it's recording everything we're doing. I said, dad, do you think the government wants to hear about you and mom going to a casino and then maybe playing golf? What would be the point? You're 75. You're off the grid because he went on for like 20 minutes. It was the only point, apparently, of the phone call. And all of my six siblings got the same phone call of, so that's six times, that's 180 minutes. He spent raging about the Amazon. I said, I'll tell you what, dad. I said, I don't know if it's a spy, but I know it's a liar because if you ask it, who is Kathleen Madigan? It says Kathleen Madigan born in 1965. He's an American musician. Well, no, I'm not. No, I'm not. It's a liar. That's what I know. There's a liar in my kitchen right now. See, I wish I were your father. You grew up in Missouri, correct? Why do I think Missouri? St. Louis. St. Louis, Missouri. I wanted to be, I didn't want to be a comedian. I wanted to have a lot of children and a normal, like a judge, a lawyer, you know, a Victorian house with lots of kids. And I wanted to sit at the head of the table and pound it, just pound the table at dinner and go over the New York Times with my kids and fight and argue and, you know, three hour dinners and I would be respected because I'm a lawyer and a judge and nobody would question me and there would be dinner hour and it was enforced. That's what I want. My father lived out your fantasy with the exception of there were a lot of questions. But see, he got off on the questions. He would be sad if no one had a question. He wants the banter. He wants the debate. Like when I said what would be the point of them listening to the echo of my life? Well, it depends on your situation. I mean, when I did work with comp law, all you got to do is get the files from Kathleen Madigan's echo that says you're going to go out jogging and you're collecting disability. That's an interesting, uh, gotcha, dad. I got it. Okay. In wine, they hear that. Your next claim says you're drunk. That's how it works, Kathleen. Don't ever sign up for those grocery cards either. They could subpoena those records. I think your dad and I would, I think we could be buds. I do. He will talk ad nauseam. If you would like to call him about the echo or if you'd like to hear about what was wrong with NAFTA, that's one of his favorite topics. Really bring how many coal mines kill people and how coal miner my owners are irresponsible people that should be jailed as murderers. You could have that conversation. Plenty. Plenty of topics. This is what I found interesting about getting to know you, especially in Ireland. You could be, except for your act, you could be a Republican. I know that. I know that. But my prejudice against you, this is, is I could see you being a Republican. Why? What would add up to this? Well, because you're very... You're going to judge the Midwest. The Midwest, but you're judging that. You're a smart, clean comic and everybody loves you and you can go anywhere. Let me just finish here for one second. You can do your act anywhere and everybody loves you. You can travel around the world and people want to see you. And the only way I can deal with that jealousy is, yeah, but she's a Republican. That's the only way I can sleep at night is how can somebody get all this love and be so smart on stage? I'm going, nah, she's too smart. She's manipulating the crowd. That's what a Republican... Well, here's the thing that was delivered from a good time, Charlie. Who doesn't want to hang out with the fun lady at the bar? That's what I am. And that's true to myself too. That's where I'm going tonight. I mean, that's what I do. But if you don't mind, I would... I'm curious because Missouri is a very... Missouri is America. I've played Missouri and you can either be... This is the choice as I remember this. Remember Stephen D.C.? The disc jockeys? Yeah, yeah. Okay. As I recall, you are either a social progressive in Missouri or the Grand Wizard of the KKK, but you just don't know it. There's no gray areas. It's right? I'm making a sleeping generalization. No, like in the cities, I would say in the rural areas, that would be true. Which, by the way, just is inside bar. I don't know if you saw, but the Imperial Wizard... I was in a little headline about two weeks ago, but it was kind of everywhere. The Imperial Wizard... I don't know if there's one wizard or more, but the one wizard who found dead in Missouri killed by his son and his wife. And his body was found in a place called the Big River, which is a place my parents used to take us on float trips and swimming. And then I sent it to my parents and I said, who knew we were swimming with the clients? And I said, please read the article because the mother and the son wanted everybody to know that they didn't kill him because he was a wizard, which clearly he wasn't, or he would have gotten out of that situation. Because of his views, as a clan member, it was because he was not nice at home. Where to God? He really got to Google it. It was just like two weeks ago. Worth every word of reading. Hang on. You can't do... Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. You can't... It was slow down there for one second. So the Grand Wizard of Missouri wasn't a family man. The Imperial he wasn't good to his family. You know, it's interesting about... This is my theory. This is why... He didn't like just at home behavior. It wasn't about... They really wanted to make that clear, though. It wasn't about him being in the clan. They were good with that. It was about who's in charge of the remote, you know, not enough fear in the house, that kind of thing. Bitch, my sheets aren't white enough. I'm the Grand Imperial Wizard. I can't go out like this. Right. But isn't that always the case? As comedians, haven't we learned that most comedians, and this is why I thought you were a Republican, that most comedians are like the Imperial Wizard of Missouri, in that when a comedian presents himself as a good, honest, decent man, they're hiding some dirty, dark secret at home. I'm squeaky clean. I mean, I cost and all that. I don't know what years mean. I didn't do it. Am I dirty? No. But I also wouldn't say I can be squeaky clean for a corporate game if I need to be. It's from St. Louis. Do you think Dick Gregory is a Republican? Do you think Cedric the Entertainer is a Republican? I think you judge me because I'm white. So what I'm saying to the listeners, I think one of the lessons we've learned today is the Imperial Wizard on the surface. He seemed like a good citizen, community. He was active in the community, protecting. Yeah, he was swimming at the Big River. You know, he was civically minded. But at home, he was a nightmare. And so often we hear about this. Do you remember, do you remember Stephen DC? Do you remember when Patton Oswald, before he was, there was a time when Patton Oswald, he still does like me, but there was a time when he respected me. Because, you know, he was starting out. And I still, do you remember? I didn't know any better. What? And he didn't know any better. Well, I have this thing. There's a guy named RJ Freed. He's a great comedy writer. And he just moved to LA. And he says, how are you doing? I wrote back. I said, hey, listen, when you have time, can you call me for advice so I can alpha dog you and tell you how to avoid the pitfalls of Hollywood and keep your marriage together? I know I'm divorced, but it would just make me feel good about myself to just be wise. And there was a time when I gave wisdom to Patton. But it made me feel important. So he became obsessed with Stephen DC because I was in St. Louis in the mid to late 90s when these two disc jockeys called their one of their listeners an N word. Do you remember this? I do. They got a lot of trouble. I think I kicked off the air. No, this is when I knew Missouri St. Louis was unlike America. They got suspended for calling an African American caller the N word. You're behaving like the N word. And I remember thinking, really, a suspension like a two week suspension. That should be it, shouldn't it? I think if you say the N word, you know, you know, I do remember that. And I guess I didn't pay attention to what happened on the road. So like I heard about it, but it wasn't in St. Louis. And I thought it wasn't shocking, you know, about Patton. This is how before Patton was really big. He had the time to do this. So I was in Missouri. I came in the day after this happened and they spent four hours defending their use of the N word on the show. And I, I taped it. So I came home with cassette tapes. And I told Patton, I said, listen, I've got four hours of these two shock jocks. The day before they got suspended on Monday, they called this woman the N word. The day after they defended it for four hours. Wednesday, they were suspended for two weeks, review these four tapes and Patton, because he didn't know any better sat down and went through all four hours and cataloged it. I have it somewhere in an envelope. This is the blue tape. The blue tape is the first hour. The second is the red. In the red, they begin, you know, he just, he obsessed on it. And he wrote up this whole dissertation on Steve and DC. Okay. Just thought I'd mentioned that. They're probably still in business. You know, I don't even know. We'd have to Google it. I think Jeff Sessions, Jeff Sessions hired them to run the Justice Department Civil Rights Division. So you are all your, so your father, Kennedy Liberal? Yes, he was an appellate court judge appointed by Mel Carnahan. Yes, he, the Kansas City Star spent a lot of their time and effort to write that my father was the most like liberal lunatic that had ever been in charge of anything. Wow. Like, and the good thing was, my parents really didn't understand history, which means that I went home to their households and I went to the basin and there were like 87 messages and I thought, I'm going to get a beer and listen to all these. This is going to be great. They were like five from the Kansas City Star, looking for an appointment Judge Madigan. And I'm like, Hey, man, Kansas City Star really wants your attention. He goes, Oh God, they wrote that article a year ago. I'm not talking about people. No, you're not. I can tell you, if you called back now, nobody's taking the call. People like me You would not have thought Dick Gregory was a Republican. You would not have thought Senator the Entertainer was a Republican. I'm trying to think of other people from St. Louis. The Slar Brothers? John Ashcroft? Could be a little right at times. Ferguson. Okay. Did you really? Give me a little street. Yeah, give me a little street cred. Low respect. Wait a second. Thank you. Slow down. Slow down. You just dropped a major bombshell. He said, give me respect. How do you go up in Ferguson? Florescent, which is right next door, but my school district was the Ferguson Florescent School District. Like that's where we would go to their swimming pool. And yeah, I mean, it was when people go, Oh my God, can you leave all that happened? Yeah. Yeah, I can. I'm shocked that we kept a lid on it this long. I'm kidding. If you grow up there, you can feel the tension. I mean, it's almost like tangible. Like it's not even like a, Oh, do you think maybe that those people don't like us and you're there? I don't like that guy and he doesn't like me. I mean, yeah. Yeah, it's not shocking at all. It was very sad because even when I go back to St. Louis, I mean, my family eventually moved away from there and moved to a different part of St. Louis, blah, blah, blah. But they have the best doughnut store in the world. And I'm like, so help me Christ. If somebody sets that on fire, I'm going to get involved. I am scanning every channel. And if I see old town doughnuts going up, going up, I am going to get a call. But what are my siblings and say, get off the couch and get your ass down there and help the doughnut people. Well, so growing up in Ferguson, it's as I read, it's a highly segregated. I'm, you know, I'm, I don't want to trivialize what happened to the poor police. Sorry. Right. Lord Darren. I can, this is why, this is why you're loved. And I'm doing a podcast in my mother's crawl space. She doesn't even know that she doesn't know the creepy part. Well, yes. Right. Well, I was going to make it. I just, you know, and I realize I'm not funny. I'm just dark. That's the other thing I realized. I just say horrible things that aren't clever. So Ferguson, very segregated. And the police were running a shakedown operation in collusion with the judges. That's how they paid their, their salaries. That's how they, the tickets and the whole thing. And yeah, but like any of us that live there could have told you on some level, of course that's all happening. But I didn't know that. Did you really know that? Did you really know that the police really balanced the budget for, you know, certain cities in Missouri by just keeping black people in a perpetual cycle of debt? Did you know that? Well, I wouldn't have said that to that extent. Like I wouldn't have had the time or energy to figure out the end game there. But you knew there was a game. You knew there was, I don't know the rules. I don't know to who the spoils go, but yes, you knew I got pulled over. Things will probably go badly no matter what. And I knew that because I worked at a restaurant with a lot of, with a lot of black people that didn't even live in Ferguson, they came from like more of the inner city where it was even harsher. And they would say we have a worse time here than in the inner city. Like they, at least half the people I worked with at the restaurant were black and they were coming in from somewhere else and they were like, man, what's going on here? You know, like, I get a ticket like every Friday and, you know, for whatever, whatever, whatever. And I thought, yeah, I wouldn't want to be getting stopped here and being black. I don't want to be stopped here being white, but I can imagine it's worse. And I think 90% of the people that lived there would have agreed with that. But what do you, I can't prove that. Right. You know, I can't prove it, but you know it, even though the Michael Brown video that came out today, I mean, me and my brother had said that a hard time. There was something going on in that store and everybody was in agreement and something went weird. Wait, there's a new video. There's a new video. When did it come out today? Michael Brown had been in the store the night before and he, if you watch the video and I agree with what they're saying, he traded them pot for Cigarillos. They pick up the pot, they smell it, he puts it on the counter, they both, these two guys smell it that work there. Then they give him the Cigarillos and then he, he puts them in, they put them in the bag and then he hands them back. So I think the following day, he came back to get them. It was like, but that would be what would be happening on Corner Start. Like we knew in high school, well, if you want drugs, you just go down to that corner store and, you know, trade or whatever. What do you mean he went back to get them the following? I don't understand what you mean by that. He'd them hold the Cigarillos. Like they gave them to them and then he put them in the bag and you can tell he was, he's basically saying, can you guys, I'll be back for these tomorrow. Like it was a big, kind of a bigger box of, uh, and then I think he went back the next day. I mean, you know, you're still, you're still, you know, which legal you shouldn't be doing for something else. But my point was there was a deeper relationship than what we saw on that video and everybody, if you grew up there, you would go, well, that ain't the whole video. I mean, something, there's something more and I don't know what it is. And so from that, when this happened two years ago, we were told that he, I believe the narrative was, he had robbed the place, right? Correct. Correct. So then there was, I'd have to go back because I don't remember if there was a call to the police that said the story had been robbed, just the incident about get out of this. That's where I would have to go back and see if, if, if Darren Wilson thought the cop thought he was looking for, uh, you know, who went back to get something he had left at the store. Okay. And you're saying we would have known growing up there that every, that not every corner store, but you knew the ones, you knew the ones that would tell you liquor. If you were underage, you knew the ones that had pot and you could trade. It's just watching it. I'm like, yeah, well, what else is going on here? Now your school, was your school public? It was the McClure North Star of stars because, uh, I had had enough of Catholic school and the public school had a smoking area. My parents will let me go where I could smoke. And this was second grade, right? 16. You went to, and was it integrated? Yeah, where our neighborhoods, but some were buffed in for me, St. Louis. And I just thought that was terrible because the, for them, because they would get picked up at some godly hour in the morning and then their buses wouldn't leave till all sports were done. And I'm like, well, what if you don't play a sport? This is brutal. Like nobody thought of how to work out in a, in a, you know, make people happy. It just was always like, there was always a thing. Was this quarter busing? You know, I don't even know. Like that year, that would have been like 80, no, 83, 82 and 83. Okay. I'm not sure, but like one of my locker mates was from St. Louis. It had to be either busing or somebody's parent. Well, no, because they had buses. Right. But also East St. Louis, I don't know. It's very possible that all the schools at that point had closed in East St. Louis because it became, you know, just completely, a complete meltdown over there. Maybe this was the closest school to them. Could have been. Yeah. I'll move on. I, you know, busing, as I remember reading, was the Nixon administration burger. It wasn't the Warren court. It was Chief Justice Burger and any. It may have truly been because like for a while in the 80s, like East St. Louis didn't, they didn't have trash pickup. They didn't have ambulances. They had no services at all. It was just madness. So because I was in North St. Louis, that may have been the closest high school. It was open. I'm developing a theory about Missouri and then we'll get to Ireland. I have a theory, I think, about Missouri. Let me run it by you. The Missouri compromise. Maybe you know what the Missouri compromise is. I'm just hear me out. This is my new theory. I think the Missouri compromise may have been 1820 or 1825. And the deal was that we were going to take Missouri into the union in exchange for shock jocks being allowed to say the F word and only suspended for two weeks. Here's the point I'm making. I don't think anybody knows what the Missouri compromise was, including the people from Missouri. I don't think they ever figured out if they were a slave state or not. No, we never didn't. Like if I go to the South, people will say, I can tell by the way you talk, you're a Yankee. And then I say, sir, let me tell you this little piece of history. I'm not even sure if we were in the war. I believe we were half and half and just beat the crap out of one another. We never got involved in a big fight. It was called fight local. That was a bumper sticker. Seriously, though, I mean, I know we sold slaves on the courthouse steps because they would bring slaves up to Mississippi and then parts of it were union parts of it were Confederate. It's still, they still can't decide. They had a map of Syrian refugees, the whole United States. They said, here's the states that will take them. Those states were in blue. Here's the states that refuse. Red, for no reason explained until the end of the broadcast, Missouri was colored lavender. And it said that their minds, they're going to wait and see how the results come in and how this works out with other folks. And they'll let everybody know. So Missouri, it's interesting because for the life of me, I do and I pride myself on being able to know American history. And I have always had a block when it came to the Missouri compromise. I don't know. I don't know if they were admitted as a free or slave state. Brian, you know, Brian, Kylie, he would know. He would know. My dad would know. I'm sure they're back from golf. Get them on the line. Oh, so they decided to they decided to play golf. That's good. I went today. Yeah. All right. Yeah. Let's talk about Ireland. Okay. We were in Ireland. This is how I remember Ireland. I remember you being treated as though it you were JFK. Elected president, and then coming back to Ireland, you were received. Well, you're a dignitary. But my family. So I already had an edge over kill Kenny. Yes, my grandpa's family. They still live there on Parliament Street. I went to lunch with everybody. I was 5,000 miles away from LA and I'm still getting calls. Captain, is there any chance you can get seven tickets for Madigan? I'm like, wow. Wow. 5,000 miles away from home. It's still a relative's going to be on that hotel phone. Unbelievable. Wait, are your grandparents still alive? No, no, no, they're long dead. But it's like kids, he had a sister that stayed and so on and so forth. And then they all had kids. And so there's still a bunch of them there. And that's why they come to the comedy. Well, I at the time was married to an Irish woman. I love the Irish and I wish I were Irish. It's a much safer, happier existence than whatever I am. And I felt very safe there. The girls dressed, I don't even, can't even begin to describe how it's not a Catholic. How do those girls dress? It's not a Catholic girl school thing. I'm not fetishizing this. It was just so sweet and innocent that I kept begging my daughters to dress this way. What are these things that they wear? Clothes? Is that what it's called? Clothes? They cover up their body? What is it? I would call that lack of options. I don't think that that's like, that was before internet shopping. And unless you're going to go to Dublin on the train, you know, there's not a lot of shopping in Kilkenny. But how would you describe those dresses? They're like our 70s. Yeah, like peasant glasses. You know, flowers on them for the store anthropology, which you're probably not familiar with. Everyone looks like they could either join the Manson family or go go to some sort of debutante outside cocktail party. And they, it's just a very, I know what you mean. I can't describe it. Flowers in the dress, but not really. Yeah. And they're covering up their, they're not showing off their. Yeah, well, nothing flusy, but that's from the Catholic schools. I mean, my God, they're having that feeling where you're going to get any respect to a hoe. Right. People will think you're a hoe and I don't find anything wrong with that logic. I kind of agree. I believe in burkas for men. I don't believe, I think men should just walk around blinded. Since we cannot get past what a woman looks like, we should just wear a burka with our eyes covered. And so women can drip there. I mean, there is a logic to burkas. So we were in Ireland. Here's what I remember. This is what I remember. I remember hanging out with Jim Gaffigan and Jeannie and being very envious of his ability to make an audience laugh without having to alienate them. I remember we were all having dinner one night. I go, let me get this straight. So you go up in front of a crowd and they like you all the way through. Yeah, that's how it works, Dave. That's how comedy works. And you're not going to piss them off, right? And Louis was there. Durst was there. A young comic named Orney Adams who has become a very good young man. He's a great comic and I'm very proud of him. But at the time, Orney was, well, let's just say even I had to take him aside and say Orney. This is, I said, you know, America is about to invade Iraq. You are, you personally, more than George W. Bush are pissing off an entire island. And let me tell you something. They didn't side with us during World War II. So they don't have to like us. The main focus was to defeat the English. It had nothing to do with Hitler. You're convoluting the conversation of the bad at the Irish table. I know. But I said, these people, I know, I know. But I said, these people are not on board this fight to liberate the Middle East. It's nice. Which, you know, of course I was at the time. That's my that I've been beating myself ever since I was stupid enough to believe Cheney and George W. Bush. Oh, wow, I never fell for that. I know. I know. As a matter of fact, I was working at the DC improv before we were going to invade Iraq. And my parents called and they said, we were looked at your website and said you're going to be in DC. I said, I am for the Wednesday through Sunday. Well, we're coming up there because we're going to get involved in that protest and you're going to, we'd like you to come with us. I'd like you to give us a room. And I said, listen, you freaks, you have it wrong. You're not supposed to protest when you're in your 60s. You were supposed to have protested in the city. Now is not the time. Mom has a bad knee and you can't hear and you're going to ask me to lead you to through thousands of people in DC and be responsible and we don't have cell phones. But I did say to my dad, I go, do you honestly believe us walking around the White House, whatever we were chanting, you, George is in there. He's going to do it. Do you think this is going to work? No. If I don't do this, and you only, I've never seen my father. I don't think I'd seen my father run since I was a child and all of a sudden he took off and I go, what, where is he going? He just heard Susan Sarandon was speaking over there. He didn't lump with her. And I never, I realized I called my brother and said, I seriously don't think I've seen him run since we were children. It was really, it was like, I don't know. He'll be like watching a cat sing or something. What, what, what's going on for the old people? Oh my, so photographs to prove it fell for the trick. I've been, I, I've been punishing myself. I became a vegan or a vegetarian after that. Yeah. And here, the thing that really annoys me about myself, well, many things, that I tricked myself into believing, well, we were all fed a false bill of goods. We all trusted George W. Bush and Colin Powell. No, the protest, largest protest, every, in Europe, those protests, I've, you know, I've been reading about the protests and the anti-war protests back in 2003 were the large, were bigger than anything they had in the 60s. Believe me, I know they were because I had to keep track of my parents within it. One point, and this was a funny, this was seriously, and I did, I had an old digital camera that, a movie camera and I have movies of it. My dad got, he can't, he really can't hear it at all. And he didn't realize, but- Isn't justice supposed, hang on, I have a joke everybody, hang on for one second, hang on, hang on, let me just take a sip of coffee, hang on. You say your father, the judge, can't hear. Hang on for one second. Let me take another sip of coffee. And the joke is coming up, folks. Here we go. My ad lib is the following. I thought justice was supposed to be blind. I have now made a joke. I have now made an ad lib. And now we can continue the conversation. That's why the Irish couldn't believe they paid to see you. So go ahead. So you know how in a protest, okay, there's, you know, there's what, like that was a really seriously focused protest. It was no war in Iraq. Groups like to join in to protest, even if their issue isn't necessarily about that specific issue. Well, at one point, she needed a break, we're sitting down, there's just thousands of people. And I said, you know what, I don't know where he went. He knows where the hotel is. Everybody has a key. That was the plan. Just everybody be back by six if we get separated. And I see him and he doesn't know it. And he's chanting whatever there is. No, no, we won't go to war. But he's in the middle of these Alaskan bears are here. And I thought he probably thinks it really means, mom said, well, is that a gay thing? Are they, are they, do they marry bears? Maybe I don't know. I go, but I'm pretty sure because there's rainbows all over that there's not rainbow bears. Yeah, they're just saying that there's the bears of the gay guys. This is too much to explain. And I want to go home and it's hot. I have two shows tonight. No one gets and no one and the people act like I don't have a job. You do act like I don't have any job, except to quote, stand up and tell stories in a saloon according to my father. That's what I do for a living. You are, you, as I remember, you went to my dad's alma mater, which is University of Missouri to study to be a journalist, as did my father. Yeah, but I didn't go to the good one, but I'm glad to hear he went to the good one. You went to, I went to university, University of Missouri, St. Louis. That's not the fun one. That's not the one on TV. That's not the one known for journalism. Columbia is the one for journalism. Columbia. No, I'm not talking about the Columbia School of Journalism. I'm talking about in Missouri. Neither am I. I'm talking University of Missouri is in Columbia. Columbia, Missouri. Oh, my God. You don't talk to your father that often. No. So you, and you were a journalist? Well, I think that's inflating. Well, tell that to Richard. Tell that to Richard Nixon, who you drove out of office through your. I did not want to be a journalist. I just couldn't do science and math. And in the Midwest, they don't present you with many other options. So I went with that. And I thought, well, but I really didn't want to be a reporter. And I knew that. Like I worked for a paper and I got sent to some St. Louis City argument about cable TV contracts. I literally fell asleep when I thought, okay, I can't do this. So then I got a job in a private club like, like the New York athletic club. It was a Missouri athletic club. And I did their in-house magazine, which was all just fluff stories. Like some guy would, some member would come in and go, I climbed Mount Everest. And I was like, winner, man, you're on the cover. Tell me all about it. Who cares? Okay, I can do, I can write a story, but I just didn't like it at all. And it doesn't pay. Did you find yourself doing this stand up accidentally? Not through journalism, but bartending all the time. Yeah. Because like I had old guy locals that would come to my bar, it was like a steakhouse with a real bar and then you know, using autographs. And they would expect me on some level to entertain them. And I don't mean like a call girl. Right. Bill Cosby started that. Bill Cosby was pouring drinks and that started his career and his career ended pouring drinks. Mine hasn't gotten to that point yet, but you never know. Okay. You don't know what I'm capable of. Ireland. Okay, hang on for one second. I had a put up with Lewis Black for a two and a half hour show. I'm very calculating. We're going to get to Ireland. I have one of you on my show, but I figured I had to get Lewis to vouch for the show and vet me. I suffered through two and a half hours of that blow hard. I'm kidding. I can't give him a I can't he and I can't if I if I'm effusive and thankful to him, it makes him uncomfortable. So this to make him happy. I'm saying that I had to suffer through Lewis. Lewis was great on the show and I spoke to him this morning, by the way, and he said you owe him $25 in the referral fee. He could tell that trick. I want $25. Yeah. So yes, because I was speaking to him because he's stuck in the snowstorm and he won't be able to get out. Yeah. Good times. Good planning, Lou. Let's before we get to Ireland, where are you performing in the next two weeks? Well, this week I'll be in Thousand Oaks in California and Riverside, California. And then I'm going to jump down to the Comedy Magic Club for fun. And then, um, gosh, hold on. I don't even, I mean, I know, but I don't know. Hold on one second. I'll give you a couple more dates. No, no. I waited for your Skype. Okay. You're right. And while you're looking up your dates, I should mention that Kathleen's new special is on Netflix right now. It is. Then in April, I'll be in Bloomington, Illinois, Galesburg, Illinois, Detroit, Huntington, New York, Richfield, Connecticut, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Colorado Springs, Denver, two nights, and then Phoenix, a talking stick. And then I will go to Ireland. On vacation. Oh, not to Kilkenny. No, I just go every year on vacation. That's why the festival also fit right into my belly wick. Now, uh, I remember... Louis goes along. Really? Yeah. We just go golf and drink. Wow. What's the hardest you and Louis laughed in the past year? Just like... I can tell you exactly when and when it was on the... We decided to do bucket lists for golf courses that we want to play once in our life. So we went to Pebble Beach and we paid all the money and it's really expensive and they overbook it. I would never recommend it. And on the 14th, it was probably 50. So it's super cold. People, Asian people with cameras walk by just like wandering around the course and he said, what are they doing? I said, the bigger question is what are we doing? I know what they're doing. They want to go take a picture of the ocean because it's losing its mind right now. We're standing here and we had been out there so long and so tortured that we literally just broke down into some sort of nervous breakdown laughter that there was no reason for it. And that was when I said, I don't know. What are we doing is the bigger question. And he goes, yeah, you got that right. And then it just... To this day, neither one of us can explain why. I mean, it took a long time to get it back, like 10 minutes. All right. I'm not going to ask you... I'm not going to ask you about golf with Louis because we're running out of time. You will come back, I hope, right? Well, yes. I had a lovely time. Thank you. All right. As I remember Ireland, and I think you mentioned this on the green room, I remember being loved in Ireland. I remember... Hello? Go ahead. I can't wait to tell Lou that. I remember being just treated as an oddity like John Merrick, like the elephant man. I was accorded respect. I was... People looked at me and said, this... He is special. And people would walk up and cock their head and stare at me for a long time after my shows. And I felt important. Am I wrong? Well, no. There's two things. My sister was with me, my younger sister and Louis. And let's go... Let's run out of here, and we can still see David's show. And it was in one of the bars, I don't know. And the Irish are not... They don't really click in so quick to irony. That's not really their thing. They like it a little more blatant and a little more storyteller-y, obvious. And you said, you know, I haven't noticed many homeless people here, and I don't know what you guys are doing so well that that's not a problem, but it is a problem in America. We have a lot of homeless, and I don't really understand why it's a problem, because like in America, if you find a dog and you take it to your local animal shelter, and within seven days, no one claims it, well, they put the dog down. And we were way in the back sitting at the bar, and the Irish people, the look on their face, and I can tell you exactly what their thoughts are about, what kind of monster would say that after seven days, you're just supposed to haul off and kill the monster? I mean, give it at least two weeks. What kind of sick bastard, what kind of... And Jewish on top of that, when you said after seven days, like I fell off the bar still laughing and Lou's laughing and my sister's laughing. To make it even better, the following day, my sister and I are getting ready to go somewhere, and she said, hey, do you care if I skip your show and go see David Selman instead of you? I go, I don't care. I said, but I thought you said it was uncomfortable. And she said, well, it was. She goes, but look, if I told you there was going to be a car accident on Highway 70 at eight o'clock at night, don't tell me you wouldn't just go stand there, your show. I don't know what's going to happen, it is. And she got really deep into it. Does that bother him? Like when that happens? Like, does that happen a lot? Or I go, well, because she had seen Andy Kimmler. I go, it doesn't happen as often as Andy. But for whatever reason, you know, you got some drunk Irish people in there and they just didn't... irony is not their thing. Maybe it has something to do with a modest proposal. Jonathan Swift talking about eating Irish babies. Maybe they've never... Before you go, I'll tell you about my son and how he was raised. My son was born right when I became a comedy writer to say off the road, as though the road was called, as though the road wanted me. It's how I stayed out of all the music conservatories. So he... Don't you call me in my violin. This kid grew up in a comedy writing room. From the time he could walk, he would just come into the room and he'd go right for the snack room and I would get him jacked up on sugar to impress the writers. He'd go, watch what's going to happen. I'm going to feed him lots of sugar. And then he would spin around the room and then fall asleep. And I guess that's abuse. But anyway, so about when he was 11, somebody was stupid enough to hire me for her husband's 50th birthday party. Oh, wow. And it was in a steakhouse in Los Angeles on Pico. Was it Andy Kindler's? No. You would love you. I love you. You were available on my 50th. I should have thought of that. This was just a normal dentist and his loving wife who has forgiven him for apparently sleeping with all the hygienists because I made jokes about Dr... Let's just say Dr. Blatt banging all the hygienists because I figured he wouldn't be doing that. And I just wrote all these jokes about the good dentist Dr. Blatt turning 50 and how he wears rubber gloves because the smell of the dental hygienist, I mean, you get the point. And my son came with me. Ray James, Ray James writes all the roasts and he came over and we wrote this roast that I'm telling you was really funny. And I was cutting Ray in on the guy, you know, they were paying me and I figured, well, I'm going to tell these jokes even though I'm ruining his marriage. The in-laws were there, their kids were there, my son is watching, and I ruined this guy's 50th birthday and I'm pretty sure I ruined Dr. Blatt's marriage because I would not stop joking about all the dental hygienists he's gone through. Are you still available for the 50th? So I said to my son, so Ray by then had a couple of drinks and I don't know if you know Ray James, but he delights in this kind of stuff. You know, a son seeing his father humiliating himself as well as the person who hired him for his 50th birthday and so we leave and my son comes home and my daughters are there and they have friends over and he just bursts into the house and goes, dad, he just got paid to ruin a man's 50th birthday party. It is so cool. And he's just telling, he's standing in front of my daughter and her friends and they hated him. They hated him. And then he stayed around. He said, watch son, dad, I'm going to teach you how to get paid for ruining people's lives. And they came and handed me a check and the wife wouldn't make eye contact with him and he took the check and he and Ray proudly, you know, they made me walk a wreck through the room and shake hands with everybody. And they hated daddy. They hated daddy and he ruined this guy's marriage and on the way home, he and Ray were talking about how he got paid to destroy people's lives. That's what's going to come. I don't have anything that inappropriate. Honestly, I know for a fact, I don't remember where I parked my car, but I do remember that I have not done anything like that. I always took my kids to watch me bomb. I never took them to a good gig because I don't think it's important for especially sons to idolize their father. I always wanted them to see me at my lowest because I have clay feet and I would always be driving home from a bad show and there were some bad gigs. There was one gig in, oh, it was a casino near Palm Springs. Let's, I don't, I don't know what the money was. Let's say it was 10 bucks and you would just drive down to the casino and it was, it was on the floor where they were gambling. You would just perform. Oh, right. Like, right in the, right. And I would always take the gig because it was on a Friday night and it was absolutely horrible. And I would bring friends and they would watch me just be hated. And my then wife would say, why do you do this? And I say, because they're off. I don't know. I don't remember what the money was, but let's just say it was 10 bucks. And I would say, because if you asked me, would you drive down to Palm Springs, pick up a check for 10 bucks, turn around and come back? I'd say yes. And that's what's happening. And that's what's happening. And they're going to hate me. And on the way home, you know, if I brought my kid, I'd say, not only did I make 10 bucks, but I ruined two hours of their lives. See, here would be the difference. Like, I didn't do very many college gigs in my career because they weren't in the cafeteria. Republican that you think I am because the Catholic religion taught me to be nice. I felt like I was actively, not even passively bothering someone like, oh, stop, you know, snoring or whatever. I was actively bothering them. And I called and said, I will no longer do these. They hate me. I hate, I don't hate them. I don't even blame them, because I would hate me too, because I'm trying to study and some jackass is standing up there going so anyway. And I decided to change those cardinals. In all honesty, we have to wrap it up. I've taken up a lot of your time. In all honesty, that's a defense mechanism that in the end, I wish they all love me that I didn't ruin that guy's 50th. I wish my sons and daughters could come to a bad gig and watch me turn the crowd around. But I just don't have that ability. So well, if it makes you feel any better, I took my sister's eight year old twin girls and the six year old. I knew he wouldn't get it, but I thought, well, is it Springfield, Missouri, is this fancy theater? And they wanted to come because they heard that it was possible I could get donuts back. So I called theater and said, can you guys go make sure there's a shitload of donuts back there? Whatever kind I don't hear. So they were completely impressed with that. And then my sister took them out to the balcony of the theater to listen. And she said, I said, did they get it? She goes, you know, Kathleen, that you had been on stage for about 20 minutes. And Claire goes, when does she start? And I go, what? And I asked them, I go, what did you think? What did you guys want that wasn't happening? Just went, well, you know, at home, you tell us knock, knock jokes. And you're very funny, but this was not good. Yeah. Well, okay. She's right. It wasn't good if you're eight. It was terrible. I just, my stories, David, are about children and yours are about adults that live in this world. Yeah, I just I have one more. I have one more. I just want to remember this properly. And we'll have to keep it in because we don't edit. So this I remember doing Conan and bringing my seven year old, he was seven at the time. And I was going to give him the full Feldman, you know, fly to New York, see daddy doing Conan. This was going to be this was going to be, you know, he was going to experience the whole thing. And I was going to be cool because I was in therapy. And the shrink said, you know, you need to show your son that that you're, you know, a you have a job. Yeah. And I had, so I bring them with me. And I have a massive panic attack the night before. I run, I run the set with Frank Smiley and Paula Davis. And oh, I remember them. Yeah, I love them. They, they, you know, and I bomb and they, oh, it's okay. It's okay. It's a funny set. And I go, but I'm going to, I'm going to bomb. No, you're not going to bomb. It's going to be fine. I'm going to, I'm going to humiliate myself on that. I was having a nervous breakdown because of my son was there. And anyway, I could not sleep. I had been doing Conan a lot. And for some reason, something happened. I turned it into something that it wasn't. And I don't drink and I don't take pills. And I downed an entire bottle of Benadryl. And I'm still pacing. And my son is sound asleep. He's sound asleep. And I'm pacing. And, and he goes, you are a very nervous man. Remember, he said that you're a very nervous man. And I just, I remember, I never forgot I go, man, I'm not a man. No, I was going, no, I'm a coward. I'm a coward. And he went back to sleep. And I'm nothing, I'm nothing. I'm going to humiliate myself. It was just like a complete, so I show up. So I show up to tape and I'm a basket case, just a complete dark circles, Brian Kiley is holding my hand. And I'm a complete wreck. And I God took care of me because Conan was sweet to me, you know, it's important to have the host like you and then the audience. So I had a joke where I said, you wouldn't know by looking at me, but I have Asian blood on the grill of my car. And Conan's God bless him. Conan's head hits the table. I look over in his head, just hits the table. He's laughing so hard. So it doesn't matter if I haven't said that would have been another one to stump the Irish. Well, why would he tell you something? Well, Conan, I heard is Irish. Well, that's the secret. He's really an orthodox dream. Anyway, so suddenly, you know, 48 hours, no sleep. I'm getting laughs. Come on, let's go. Where's the show? Let's do another. Like I come backstage and it's like Lindbergh landing in France and my son was in the dressing room and they had juiced him up with sugar. That was, you know, he and his face, he looked like Al Jolson in blackface from the chocolate chip cookies. And he and he goes to me, Daddy, that was amazing. I swear to God, Kathleen, this is true. I swear to you, he's covered in chocolate chip cookies. And he goes, that was amazing. This this woman stormed into the dressing room and looked at you on the monitor and then looked at me and said, that man's disgusting. You were great. So that's my son's memory of seeing his father trying to be a man in front of him. And we leave. And I'm like, that was great. I was I offended everybody. I wish I were you. I wish I were you. I wish I could figure out how to make people laugh, laugh, being smart and kind and not dark. I think it's the hardest thing to do is anybody can make it. Dark is the hardest to commit to, though. I couldn't commit to it. I would be terrified. But anybody can be. But anybody can be dark. I mean, that's at the water cooler. No, I don't agree. Oh, it's easy. It's easy. No, I could not go up and say I have Asian blood on the hood of my car. I mean, no, I couldn't. I would be it'd be like jumping off a high dive. No, with my contacts. But that's that's anybody could make that joke. And most guys, I know, do that. I'm just stupid enough to think people should pay me to make that joke. Well, it's worth it if somebody has the guts to do it. Yeah, but it's not. I mean, you turn a phrase. You have this. I hate to say Irish, but you have a love of words and your facile with your sentence structure. There's a real gift that you have. Kathleen Madigan, how do people follow you on Twitter? Kathleen Madigan. And there's only two. And I'm not the lady that writes difficult articles. It's easy to find. She's a very smart lady. Thank you so much. I love you. Come back. Alright, David, come back. I'll have to go. I'll go get a drink and you can bring a bottle of Benadryl and go to the West Bank when I come to New York. And you can sip on Benadryl. When are you in New York? I come up all the time. So I will tell you and I usually just go to the West Bank with Louis, but we will tell you were there and then you come meet us in a heartbeat, in a heartbeat. And they have wonderful, they have wonderful devil bags. Absolutely recommend. Great. Thank you, Kathleen. Alright, David. Take it easy. Talk to you later. Okay, thank you. Bye. Bye. Are listening to this show and having a good time, copy and paste it into an email and share it. Michael Fox is a stand-up comedian, hysterical stand-up comedian. We were at QED last week and I had to follow her. Yeah, I was able to follow her, but she's great. I usually like following bad comics because I look better. Michael Fox is a stand-up comedian contributing writer for some car. She hosts two weekly podcasts this week in Jack-in, which of course, I want to talk about. It's where comics come on and tell us what they're masturbating to and she co-hosts that with Chris Laker and Shaman with Karen Fian. Did I pronounce that properly? Fihan. Fihan. Tutan Fihan. And I think Shaman should be a television show. Thank you. And welcome back. So you've been on the show in a roundtable format and I was listening to Shaman and I realized that I wanted to talk to you one-on-one because I don't think the roundtable is necessarily beneficial to you. I don't thrive in a group environment. Well, I think I'm going to go right for the gender thing. Okay. Why wouldn't you? I think you and Karen Fihan, together, I think of my daughters and I was told, you know, you should send your daughter to an all-girls school. When boys are introduced, it changes the dynamic. Yeah. And there's this sisterhood on Shaman that is so powerful and so funny and so relentless. I'm right about that. Yes. No, she's a very, we're very close. We're very similar and I think, yeah, we're funnier together. And I think it's, I think you're powerful together and fearless. Yes. And not ashamed of your hate. You're right. Yeah. I think we were both haters and we joined forces and, you know, two girls hating on you is way scarier because we could back each other up. We can egg each other on. You were talking about your piss pants and how you did a day shift in your, I was laughing hysterical. And that was Karen who pissed her pants, right? Well, you said you worked a shift in your pee pants and then you said something about crushing some puss. I've never heard that expression before. Which episode? That was on, that was on actually this week in Jack and so you're, and you're just a great joke writer and you're really funny and honest. And I want, I have a lot of questions I want to ask you. Oh, okay. Yeah. You were a psych major. I was. Yeah. Were you going to be? Where is that listed? I heard you say that on the show. I'm like, how did that get out? I let it out. Yeah, I studied it. I was, I did, I was not enamored of the study, but by the time I committed to it, it was a little late. So did you, was there one, a point where you thought you were going to be a psychologist? No. There wasn't. There wasn't. I got, I didn't understand how college worked when I went to college. I didn't know, I didn't know, I didn't understand what picking a major meant. Like it was just sort of beyond me. I just thought you, it was like a couple of classes, extra classes you took. I didn't realize it was like, oh, you're going to spend years focusing on this one topic. And it got to be my junior year and they're like, you have to pick a major. And I was like, well, I'm not spending more than four years here. So I'll just pick one. And then right after I picked it, I fell in love with linguistics. And so I just doubled in those. You fell in love with linguistics. Yes. Well, that would, if you don't mind bringing up your past, that would explain an old boyfriend, Noam Chomsky. Yes. Or Mikey Kaplan. Mikey Kaplan. He also double majored in psychology and linguistics. It was one of the things that was very strange about our compatibility. Do you mind if I ask you a couple of questions? Sure. Did you know he was into psychology and linguistics before you fell in whatever with him? We were introduced because of it, because linguistics is such an uncommon study that we were introduced by a friend of ours, Victor Varnado, who met Mike at Boston and thought he was similar and found out he studied linguistics. He was like, what a coincidence. So does my friend Micah. And he introduced us for that reason. Linguistics is the study of language and how we speak, right? Yeah. And do you believe that... Very good. Thank you. Do I get a treat? That do you believe that it's innate or that it's taught? Language? Yeah. That's the whole... I mean, our brain is definitely wired to do it. We definitely evolved to be great communicators. That's what separates us from the animals. So you turned to comedy. Are you fluent in another language? I'm not. I actually think I just started downloading a bunch of apps. I know Spanish pretty well. I grew up in Arizona. I grew up in Arizona. I waitressed at a restaurant. These are things that give you the edge. And you were a minute, man. You used to patrol the butters with the rental, right? That's right. Trying to like sneak people in. Trying to get myself into Tijuana. Did you ever go to Mexico growing up in Arizona? You know, a couple times. I'm from Scottsdale. It's not... It's like, you know, still three hour, four hour drive. It's not exactly the place you wanted... We went there a couple times. I went there more as a college student. I quit drinking in Juarez. That makes sense. At least water, right? No, I did. I was there with Evan Davis and Bernadette Laquette. And Evan Davis was sober. And I wanted to be sober. And we were playing... I think it was Fort Worth, Texas. I can't remember the club so long ago. It was literally before you were born. I remember going to Juarez. And I thought, you know, if this donkey can have sex with me and not need alcohol, there's something wrong. Why can't I be as good as this donkey? So you were a drinker just to have sex? No, but I heard you say that. And this is interesting. That was one of the questions I wanted to ask you. You said on one of your shows that drinking facilitates sex for you. Oh, yeah. For a lot of people. Yeah, and I find I'm divorced, sober, and I have no game because I don't drink. Yeah, you got to develop a different game. You know, you have to find your own fearlessness. Have real eye contact. Could you have sex without alcohol? Oh, sure. Oh, yeah. And right now I have a boyfriend and that's like, you know, primarily, you know, there's a lot of mornings after when you have a boyfriend. How dangerous is it if you're, because you talked about brownouts as opposed to black ass? Yes. Yeah, on the alcoholism episode of Shaman. So a brownout for a man can be dangerous because you get a woman, the two of you are drunk, you're not thinking clearly. The next morning everybody's sober and that can, is that, can that be a problem? What do you mean? Like somebody wakes up and doesn't remember consenting? Is that the problem you're talking about? Yes. Or just the old cliche of like you woke up next to a dog with teeth. I should be so lucky. The consent issue, of course. I mean that's a very controversial hot topic right now is women who have been waking up feeling like mistakes were made. And now with the rape coming out more and more in the open they're wondering is this something I should say something about or not? How, how it, how it faults am I if I also got drunk? And it's, it is definitely a gray area both legally and morally. Can I just ask you, is this something, because I just, I was listening to that and I, I don't drink and I see and I have children and I see people at bars. I mean this is the ritual that goes back, you know, hundreds, not hundreds maybe since the, I don't know, 50s. Yeah. Men and women meeting at bars. Oh, right. Yeah. But long before. Oh, yes. Current culture but alcohol has been involved in sex long before that I'm sure. Yeah. But I don't think women, I mean, women didn't smoke in public till Edward Bernays paid them to go to the St. Patty's Day parade and smoke cigarettes and it was scandalous. It was against the law in the 30s for women to smoke in public. Women weren't going to bars in the 30s. No, you're right. Women weren't even dating. People were just sort of sold off. Yeah. I mean, yeah. Yeah, women were getting knocked up in high school and that was the end of it, you know, and certainly dating culture is pretty new relatively. The dating culture is new. Yeah, it's your, it's an excellent point. It's maybe 100 years old tops, not even. There's a book that I've been meaning to read written by a woman, by a woman, she's a Siamese twin. So the two of them wrote it. Written by a woman, I think 100 years ago, you would have a calling card. You'd come by the house. There'd be like a sofa, like a special sofa that you'd sit on and talk to one another. Oh my God. Without looking at each other. You were, they didn't look at each other? There's a special chair. I forgot what it was called. Oh, and they sort of face away? Yeah. And yeah. Wow. And there'd be no, no, this is like 100 years ago, no sex before marriage. Oh, sure. I mean, that's, that's still got its icy grip on culture, you know, through the religious veins. Well, if we've been doing things for, let's say, 5,000 years one way, no, I guess that's not true. Yeah, absolutely not. People were fucking all over the place 5,000 years ago. We didn't even have cities. Really? I mean. Yeah. No, that we created rules and now we're breaking them back down. We're in that process. Are there any rules from 100 years ago that you think either you understand why those rules existed or we should bring them back? I mean, I, there's in a sense, a lot of those rules are probably just kept women from getting raped all the time. You know, I like, if you look, if you look at the animal kingdom, it's just rape city. If you've ever watched a nature documentary, you're like, oh my God, and everyone's just going to sit there and let that happen. Like this lion's running for its fucking life eventually gets pinned to the grass. It's all like sharp dry reeds and then it gets fucked in this perfunctory manner. Next thing you know, it spits out whole liter of shits that it has to do its own hunting. It's miserable out there in the animal kingdom. You know, we finally got language, you got society, and then all these rules were like, hey, stop chasing these women down and fucking them against a tree. Which is why I'm a vegetarian. No, seriously. Because you don't want to eat rape victims? I think that's actually very noble. That's the least obnoxious reason I've heard someone become a vegetarian. When people say to me, you know, we were built to eat meat and then I say, well, we also used to rape women. Oh. So I mean, we evolved past that. Right. I mean, we don't, we don't evolve that voluntarily, I think. Yeah. But so the idea of women and men meeting in bars, drinking alcohol and hooking up, do you think maybe there's something wrong with that? Absolutely not. Because we created these rules to keep ourselves protected or whatever and like figure out who we are to each other. And so now that comes that builds neuroses. There's, it's not animal to follow rules. So we have this animal side competing with this rule side and you know, you want to fuck, but you're like, am I supposed to? What's the alcohol? Breaks that down a little bit. And it lets you, you know, it's a known inhibition killer. And then it frees you up to like go pursue this lion fucking. That's in our nature. Okay. So help me not be a Victorian prude. Help me not clutch my pearls. Because I'm an elder statesman. Okay. I'm an elder statesman. And the role of the elder statesman. What do you want to align? What? No, what I'm saying is I'm an elder statesman. I have kids. Don't bring them to the bar. Right. And I, yeah. Actually, they're probably old enough to drink. And I, you know, and I'm a hypocrite because I have urges and blobby, blobby, blobby, I'm a liberal blobby, but I walk by a bar in New York City. I can't drink. Yeah, it's hard. So if I can't have fun, nobody else can. So what's your problem? You look in the side of the bar and you think you whores, you perverts. Yeah, but I say it like, oh, you whores, you perverts. No, but so there's this little tendency in me. And I think it's a function of old age is to say, is to block out the idea that, okay, if I can't have fun, nobody else can. I recognize that that's 99% of where this is coming from. Where what is coming from? My looking at women and men in a bar. Yeah. And thinking I'm an older man. I'm an elder statesman. It's my responsibility to think this can't be good. Men and women going into a bar, drinking and going home with one another, even though this is what I did before I sobered up or tried to do. I'm wrong for thinking that way, right? I mean, I'm sure not all of those people are living their best life, right? Not always the best decisions are being made there. Your, your, yeah, your parenting, probably a lot of people who are making bad, but not all of them are making bad decisions. A couple of them are having one or two cocktails, enjoying their evening, making a responsible, tipsy decision. You know, it's not just like Gamora in there, you know, where it's not all fireball shots until somebody, you just fuck the first thing that passes out. I mean, maybe it is for Alex, but the rest of us, the rest of us have coot. Will you have a breathalyzer? Not a bad idea. Has anybody talked about this? I feel like that's got that. That's an idea so good that it's got to have been brought up. Breathalyze a woman before you take her home. Is that where you're, where you're taking this? Great idea. Because I wouldn't let you operate, if you were my daughter. Sure. Will you, will you help me pay off my college loan? Where does this going to get me? Wait, are you my stepdaughter or my real daughter? I don't know, do they both get money? Well, different arrangement. Sorry. I'll just take a condo and walk away. So I would say, hey, you've been drinking, you can't operate that car because I want to protect your body and everybody else's. Yeah. And yet you don't, if you're drunk, you can do anything to your body later? Yeah, you're not wrong, but that is our right. That is like, you know, legally, is it, are you saying is it morally right? I mean, is it good? Is it good? Now you're getting to the real deep. What is it good? What's good? Is it, is it good for me not to be able to enjoy what you guys are enjoying? Is it, I go, Saturday night. Alex, will you pour this guy a drink for Christ's sake? Look how miserable he is. Everybody's having fun. Are you, I feel like you're asking permission to fall off the wagon. No, no, but I do get the, is it Demsdale who's got from, you know, Hester Prince, persecutor in the Scarlet letter. I get why religious people are that way. If I can't have sex, if I can't have alcohol, if I, nobody can, I get that. Well, why can't you? I can't drink. You're a bad drinker, you're. I'm a bad drinker. You're a bad drinker. I dribble, I spill, I pee my pants. Yeah. There, yeah, you can't drink. I can drink. I don't do that shit. And I'm very detached from society. I'm literally walking, I always see myself as on the outside looking in. And I'm, because I'm a peeping Tom. And I, and I'm literally looking through the window of all these young people in a bar on a Saturday night drunk, rubbing up against each other. And I feel like Khatub, you know who Khatub was? I don't. Khatub was the Muslim prophet upon whom the Muslim brotherhood base their ideology. What's his name? Osama bin Laden, Red Khatub. He was an Egyptian theologian who spent time in Colorado Springs in the fifties of all places, Colorado Springs. And he saw in the fifties women wearing t-shirts and dancing. Yeah. And he thought this is shameful. And he created this version of Wahhabism where- Wow, misogyny is getting all kinds of new names. Yeah, which became this misogyny that Osama bin Laden, so they end up banging little boys. Well, there's a, I mean, there's a huge difference between not wanting a woman being shameful for wearing a t-shirt and men and women drinking. You know, those are two, I mean, are you disgusted by the women specifically? I feel like Khatub. You are disgusted by the women, not the men. No, I get, I have gotten to the point because I read about Khatub and I think, oh, I can see how you get there because these women are having fun with everybody but me. Okay, so you recognize how horrendous that sounds. Of course. Okay, good, good, good. Because I don't, it doesn't sound like Khatub saw that that was a problem. No, he created, you know, these, these terrorists. So we have ISIS because of extreme FOMO? Because of Colorado Springs. Basically, some Muslim guy couldn't get late in Colorado Springs and women are being beheaded for dancing. God, can you, can you just imagine if Hitler got into art school? Some dude, some lady fucked Khatub. Where, you never know, you just never know who you have to say yes to or the whole world will fall apart. Before I move on, if you were me. Oh God. Yeah. All right, hold on, let me finish this. On the outside looking and seeing everybody having a great time at a bar on a Saturday night or going to do comedy on a Saturday night. Well, nobody's having a good time if I'm doing comedy. Well, before the show, that's why I piss off crowds. Why is that? Because I'm backstage and I see them all sitting there drinking and I know they're going to go home and have sex. And me, I'm just going back to the hotel room. I'm going to watch Turner classic movies and I'm going to ruin their night. I'm going to go out there for an hour and I'm going to ruin their night. That's how much I just realized that you don't. That is pathological to a deep level. I don't know if we can master in a in a podcast, David. But I think I've just realized where my act comes from. You want to ruin people's. I've ruined people's nights. Why even write jokes then? I don't. I just get up there and piss the crowd off and push them away. You just want to piss off whole groups of people at a time, not just one woman. I want couples to go home. And not fuck. You want them to fight over how bad you are. Yeah. Yeah. Do you really want that? I think so. This is a bit. No, I think so. I can't tell. I want to ruin people's nights. In fact, in fact, I have said that to audiences. I remember bombing so badly. Is that what this podcast is? You want to ruin their mornings too? I say, you know what? You guys, I have another show and I'm getting paid and I just ruin your night. You have to pay for a babysitter and parking and you paid for a ticket. I won. I beat you guys. I ruined your night. I've actually said that to audiences. How did they respond to that? Well, they already hated me. So anyway, let's talk about masturbation. Great. It sounds like we just work. Masturbation. People are very uncomfortable talking about masturbation. Yeah. Including me. Yeah. So I want to talk to you about this. Okay. You are kind of like steering into the skid. Oh, with my show. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it's a. And it's a show. And by the way, it could not be done as a video. It has to be audio. Yeah, because people open up. Masturbation is theater of the mind. Yeah. Well, it is and it isn't. I think porn really kind of dissolves that it started as theater of the mind. And I think to an extent, porn does. I mean, it's debatable like how much of that is happening in your mind versus it's just like some kind of like autonomic response. I don't think you understood what I was saying. Okay. When I mean theater of what I meant by saying theater of the mind is I masturbate about men who work in the theater. I have very gay fantasies. It's amazing. Okay, you're right. I totally didn't catch that. Go ahead. I'm sorry. I had to get that out of my system. No, that was getting it out of your system. I think is the is the point we're trying to get to. Yeah. So what you were saying that porn has changed? I think so. My co-host Chris would not agree with me. I think we're not always in line on how we view porn. Porn is like it's all there for you. You know, you can reach the point of our orgasm really quickly. I doubt there. I mean, yes, it's stimulating whatever's in the mind and you have to have your mind stimulated to come. I think although we've had so many stories of people being incredibly young and masturbating and not knowing what they were doing and it just feels good and that sounds very animal to me. It doesn't sound mental at all. But definitely we evolved to a place where it becomes mental. Can you masturbate without touching yourself? Me personally, no, but I have a friend who can. Did you ever see the play bent? I haven't. It's about gay men in a concentration camp in Germany. Oh and just to, I think wet dreams are that. Oh yes, very good. Yeah. So yes, I don't, I don't, you wouldn't call it masturbation, but it is on that spectrum. Wow, you're absolutely right. It's an intense, let me just think about that for a second. A wet dream is an idea that's so powerful. You thought yourself to orgasm. You thought yourself to orgasm. But you, you didn't do it intentionally. So there is this, you know, level of, it's not quite masturbation. I feel like masturbation is an intent, but. On my honeymoon, my wife and I were in London, my ex-wife, and we went to see bent. And it's about homosexuals and concentration camps. And men are walking around with 12 inch penises. And my wife wanted to see it three times and I thought this is, I'm doomed here. No, and it's a really great play. And it's about how homosexuals are the most persecuted in, I mean, there were guys still serving time when the British liberated the camps. If you were, if you had a pink star or whatever, you were moved into another, you were put in prison. They freed the gypsies, the Jews, the Catholics, but the gays were, there were guys in 1969 that were homosexuals still serving time for Nuremberg violations. Anyway, there's a scene where these two guys talk to each other. They're, they're tied to a post. So they have no hands. So they just talk to each other and give each other org. I guess that's like phone sex, maybe. Yeah, but generally I think people are touching themselves on the other end of the phone. But yes, yeah. I've never had phone sex. It's not ideal. I can't. It could be fun. It's interesting. I, I, talking to somebody, hmm, I'm very square. So masturbation, let me ask you about this because you do two shows, Shaman and a show about masturbation, which I believe is intrinsically shameful. I think masturbation, my father used to say to me, masturbate me. No, he used to say masturbate. I can't, I can't help it. I'm sorry. It's just, it's a sickness. He used to say to me. Well, it sounds like your dad had the sickness. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. He would say to me when I was young, he says, you know, this is how you have babies. And then masturbation is very important. It's healthy. It's unhealthy not to masturbate. Yeah. That's a pretty good thing for a father to say. Sure, yeah. And I still found it shameful. Oh yeah, because it's not just about you and your dad. You know, you're getting, you still have to go to school and be around everyone else who does think it's shameful. If you have any religious upbringing that bears a heavy load. No pun intended. But is the act. And also because your dad doesn't, your dad's like, yeah, masturbate. It's healthy, but he doesn't know what you're jerking off to be jerking off to your mom. I'm sure you wouldn't encourage that. You know, all of a sudden your parents are having sex. You walk in the door, start jerking off. And we is like, oh, good job, son. So, but there is, what is it about masturbation that's shameful? And is that the same way linguistics, you know, you study language. We're born, we're beginning to believe that you're just born with a language skill. Are we born with shame for masturbation? I think we are. That is a great question. I don't know. I think, I mean, when I've talked to people who started masturbating at a really early age, long before anyone could even have a conversation about it, they said they knew there was something wrong with it. Now, whether or not that was just picked up from the environment socially anyway, like, you know, don't touch this or like, if your parents cover up in front of, you know, like clothing in general causes a sense of shame about your body, subliminally, maybe even if you don't say it. So it's impossible to know, but people do feel shame right away. I'm going to share something with you and this is the God's honest truth. Keep your pants on. Oh, okay. This is the God's honest truth. I, I, you haven't asked me to do this week in Jack and, and I would be honored if you asked me, but I have to say no. I would have to say no, but I will share with you. Damn it. We were going to find out about. I, I, I jerk off to the movie Capture and the Freedmen's. Really? That's, no. I was sitting here. I'm like, is this legal? So I, Because we're desperate to get a pedophile on our show. So I've been, I've been in therapy since I was 18. I went off to college and I went, I'm sick. I'm mentally, I got issues and I've just been checking in with a shrink ever since. And I've been through Freudian. You know, I've had the bearded guy on the couch and the tissue, the tissue paper for the tears. And so I remember my first time masturbating. Yeah. Which was watching the Dean Martin show. Dino. I wasn't masturbating to Dino. I hope not. I was masturbating to Frank. I'm not sick. I'm not gay. Yeah. I don't know. I've never seen that show. Oh, Dean Martin had a very sexy man. No, no, Dean Martin had this show. And Dean, well, you know who Dean Martin was. Yes. Okay. Rat Pack, Fairy Hip, Tuxedo, Cigarette Whiskey. He was Hugh Hefner, writ large. And he had very large, as I understand. Yes. And he had the gold diggers. And these were blonde women in go-go boots and short skirts. And this was like the mid-70s. And I found myself, blah, blah, blah. And I had a shrink say to me, tell me about the gold diggers. Yeah. And I start describing the gold diggers. And he says, why do you think the gold diggers excited you so much? And at one point, an argument was made that the name the gold diggers was what was exciting me. Really? That I was turned on by women who were gold diggers who wanted money from me. Really? That financial domination is a real fetish that exists and more common than you'd think. So, and I, yeah, go on, tell me what that... There are men who like to be exploited for their money. I think there's probably multiple reasons for that. Some men, I think, just like the power over women. But I think more often than not, there's a sense of inadequacy. And it's like, this is the only thing I'm good for. And that shame and humiliation is what is actually exciting. So, my shrink, and you are saying that I came of age sexually with the idea that the only way I could ever be in a heterosexual loving relationship that included semen and vagina would be if I were the provider. If I were... I mean, that's cultural too. That's not just, you know, that's very much how society is built. So, there was, you know, it was one of those things that I dismissed gold diggers. Because Freud was into puns and dreams. Sure. But this was, well, it was a dream, wasn't it? If your masturbation is a dream. I mean, a waking dream. Yeah. Hmm. So, I was turned on sexually by the idea of being exploited for money. That was my first sexual... That's interesting. And you say that's commonplace. Well, financial domination is less commonplace than just the feel. I mean, if you walk around New York City, you see it everywhere. You know, the ugly rich dude with the hot chick. Like, that's, I mean, you see that every day. I have one-third of that. Right. I'm the ugly guy. I just need a rich kid, rich kid. Rich chick. Oh, the rich chick. Oh, no, no, the poor chick. Okay. She just needs to be poorer than you, David. Yeah. And are the women like Melania? There's no way she could be turned on. I find him so disgusting. I can't imagine somebody wanting to fuck him. But there's all types out there. Someone could like disgusting men. Someone could like being objectified or demeaned. So, for all we know, she likes that. We don't, I mean, I doubt it. She doesn't seem like a happy woman, but... Was he ever an attract? Was he ever a catch? I mean, he was a very rich, powerful man. There is an appeal to confidence and success. Looking through his pictures, I've never found him attractive. I don't find people who are born into money to be very attractive. I mean, it doesn't ruin it, but like, if you wait, if you lean so heavily on it, it's... You're like, what do you do? What do you bring to the table? I don't, I don't, I think he's fucking disgusting. Let me push back on that. Okay. Let me push back on that. When you, I don't, every woman I meet calls Donald Trump disgusting. Okay. And I think their disgust is more about what he represents than who he could be if he weren't... But he is him. He is him. Like, I think he's a spoiled brat who's used to getting his way, and that is him. He's got that horrendous hair. He can't be told no. He can't take any criticism. These are disgusting qualities aside from his, you know, comments of vulgarity, you know? Could you understand how I and a lot of men think that he... This is a part of me that says, wow, he's getting to live my adolescent fantasy. Oh, of course. Of course I get that. He's the president. What kid doesn't think, isn't told if you can be whatever you want, even the president, and you think in your head, oh my God, I could be the most powerful person in the world. And so even though you give up on that dream because it's not true, you know, you think in your head, if only I did this, if only I did this, and he did it. Right. And because I'm a product of the 60s and the 70s, coming of age in the 70s, I at one point in my development thought, well, if I'm rich and successful, if I become famous as a comedian, then every woman will want to be with me. I think so. Many comedians get into that. And is that true? There are women who are definitely turned on by talent. There's the power of being on the stage, controlling an audience. Oh, you know, like, I mean, what was it? Marilyn Monroe, maybe, or maybe not, or Mae West, someone like, if you if you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything. Suppose she's laughing at your flaccid penis. Well, then maybe, okay, there are limitations. Okay, so. Although, I tend to find that that's not so much funny as sad. If you could make a cry, can you get her to do anything? By the way, I worked out a new bit when we were working together the other night. The whole thing about, I don't know if you were aware about the, when did they discontinue the vaginal orgasm? Did you hear that bit? I did hear that bit. And I was really, I think you kind of, because I knew you were watching and I kind of, I said, you know, I'm new to the dating scene now. And they've, apparently they've discontinued the vaginal orgasm, which was great, you know, it was just me coming and the woman saying, that's okay, maybe tomorrow. Yeah, I mean, so somebody like Jim Carrey or Robin or Rodney or Jerry Seinfeld, my fantasy was always, well, all I have to do is become them. And then it's everything, it's pure happiness, but that's a lie. Oh, of course. And women know that, right? Women know that those men aren't supermen? Yeah. Is that what, is that what you mean? Yeah. Some do, some don't. I see girls hitting on guys who like hang out at the open mics, you know, and they're infatuated with it. If you were funny at an open mic, even if you have no money and no fame, absolutely. Because when I started out, there were women who were turned on by open micers, but comedy was new back then. Yeah, I guess the point I'm trying to make is you're like, do women know this is bullshit? Not all women, you know. Some of us have, some of us think, but not all of us, you know. There's delusional, if you're going to have a delusional man, there's going to be a delusional woman. And there's that classic scene in, I think it's Manhattan, and then it was stolen by Rob Reiner in when Harry met Sally, where Woody Allen and Billy Crystal in both movies run into their old girlfriend and she's with a bald guy who is unattractive. And they can't believe she's with this guy. That's interesting because I love both of those movies, and that was never my takeaway, was that he was bald and unattractive. Well, one of them was my friend actually in the, in the, when Harry met Sally, it's Kevin Rooney who's bald, but incredibly attractive. Yeah, I was like, I remember that man being handsome. Yeah, it's Kevin Rooney, and women find him incredibly attractive. In Manhattan, it's Wallace Sean. Oh, right. Who is not clinically attractive. At all. But could you find Wallace Sean attractive? I mean, potentially, I don't know, I think if he had an attractive enough personality way of talking to me, possibly. I mean, now he's just much too old. If he were a great lover. I mean, you'd have to get me there first. I'd have to find him attractive before you're selling me on him being a great lover. You would have to be physical. No, I'm saying like, I'm not going to find out he's a great lover before I decide he's attractive. So you would, but so, okay, for those of you who don't know who Wallace Sean is, go rent my dinner with Andre, which is a masterpiece. And it's just two guys having dinner together talking. And it's amazing that this movie was ever made. He is not classically handsome. He's squat and bald. He's kind of a whiny guy. Yeah, but I'm sure he get, I'm sure in his day he got laid. I don't know. Maybe he was married throughout his fame. But what advice? Okay, so you have your mother. Okay. You have a son. He looks like Wallace Sean. Oh, yeah, the world still is oyster. He's a man. So what would you, mommy, mommy, whiny, short and bald. Yeah. What do I do? What do I do? I want to date. So what do I do? I mean, this is Wallace Sean, though. He's a very bright, but he's 18. Talented person. I'm sure he was bright and talented then. Well, his father was the editor of The New Yorker. Okay, this is not a person, I bet, who had a lot of self-esteem issues. This was a person. I bet he did. I think he was raised, it sounds like he was raised in an intellectual home where intellect was prized. He also possessed it and women will always fall for intellect. He was also talented and in television. I have to, I would probably be like, they will find you attractive. Stephen Hawking. He cheated on his wife. Cheated on his wife. He didn't even, couldn't even touch his own dick. Cheated on his wife. He blinked his way. I mean, yeah, if you're a man, especially someone with intellect, women love that. Of course. Is that culture or biology? I think the culture came from biology. The culture came from biology. I mean, it's evolutionarily sound. Who doesn't want to be with a smart person? They can take care of you and they're going to give you a smart baby. And what about men being attracted to smart women? Plenty of them do. It's not as, it's not a fabled story as much as they are attracted to beauty, especially because it's like, well, if I bring the intelligence, I don't need you to bring it also. But definitely, I mean, now so more than ever with the internet era, people are meeting just solely based on their intellectual. Sick was our culture when there were relationships between men and women, where the man was sexually turned on by a smart woman. I'm talking about like the 30s, the 40s, the 50s, where you're living in New York City and you are, your fetish is smart women. Why is that a fetish? Well, I'm just saying that's what you're turned on by. Okay. But yeah, but that doesn't sound like a fetish to me. Because like what? You can only come if she recites the dictionary? You know, I think people, smart people don't want to be bored. You know? Okay. So she's hot. You hear it all the time. Like, you know, what's that thing with Alec Baldwin was, you know, fucking Kim Bassenger and he's like, I'm sick of fucking her and I'm not saying she's a stupid person, but looks only last so long. Intelligence is a permanent, permanently attractive quality. I would assume before the 70s, before women's liberation, before the 60s, before the female eunuch and Germaine Greer and Betty Friedan, I would assume that up until the 60s, a man was programmed to marry beauty as opposed to intelligence, and that if he was marrying intelligence, most I'm getting into trouble here. This is just how I don't know. I would assume, you know, Franklin Roosevelt married Eleanor. He was attracted, obviously, to a brilliant, to a brilliant mind. He was also a cripple. Who cheated. Right. But like, you know, he wasn't always the president at first. He was just a cripple and take, you know, but yeah, she was brilliant. She was brilliant. So he was turned on by that. Yeah. And that I think was an anomaly back then. For a powerful aristocrat, a blue blood, to gravitate to a plain spoken plain looking woman, people probably would say, what, what's the attraction? I think that's a fair statement back then. Don't you think men were programmed to look at women as to objectify them? I think they've never, women have never been as objectified as they are right now. Yep. Even like, if you take a look at pretty, not pretty women, little women, right? Yes, they were beautiful and they had to wear ribbons in their handball. But what else? They also had to recite poetry. They had to play the piano. They had to be masters of art. These are not beauty things. These are like, you need to be refined. You have to be intelligent. You have to be able to speak. You can't be embarrassing. These are intellectual qualities that women were taught to cultivate to attract men. Okay, that's interesting because they were separated from men, which gets back to what I said at the beginning of this show. Not just to attract men, but just to be a quality human. And men, of course, are attracted to quality humans. That, you know, the Orthodox Jews separate the men from the women. You pray in separate parts of the temple. I was told that I might want to consider sending my daughter to an all-girls school because when the studies have shown that girls get girly when they're around boys, I think, if I meant, I think your masturbation show is fantastic. But the show that personally that I shame on your other show that you do with another woman is, in my estimation, is way funnier, more powerful. You're in the zone, so you say that women now are more objectified, more sexual. Just in the sense that Instagram, all the modeling, you know, all the porn, like... Is that because we've mingled men and women too much? I don't think it's that. I think it's that they haven't been mingled enough. This is born out of a patriarchal, I mean, listen to me, you're bringing out my, you know, but... I agree with you. Men have been in charge. They created an idealized version. You keep giving them money. You keep giving them power. The women just want the men's, they want the men's power, but they're, you know, they're called, you know, tools of the patriarchy. They're like, oh, if I do this, I, you know, I can like Kellyanne Conway. You know what I mean? She was a cute little thing. She's a very powerful woman right now, but she was... Did that playing the man's game, you know? She's the only one in the White House teetering around on heels. Okay, there's a lot to tease out here. You on this show said, I said something to the... We were talking about writing rooms, and I remember making a joke, and I said, what, you just want all the men removed from the writing room and just have... It just run by women. I was teasing you. I said, this was me playing a sexist. I said, you know, men built this business. What do you want? Is it... We just want to take it away from us and have women run it? And you said, yes. Yeah. Absolutely. See ya. Get out. Get out of the way. Yeah. And my daughter... I have a daughter who might agree with you, and I'm thinking well, if I were a woman, how would I feel? Or how would I think? You would kill yourself. You would blow your brains out. No. If I were a woman, I would probably be 700 pounds just from self-philatio. Just... How do you think that's going to happen? A swing set? What? I would... I'm so trying hard to picture it even when... I would be face down in my crotch if I were a woman. You know it's even harder to reach a vagina than it is a penis. Tell me about it. That's what I said to the cop when he arrested me in the men's room at Minneapolis Airport. I mean, you don't even have that three inches of help. Wait a second. That wasn't a vagina? Yeah, so if I were a woman, I'd be... Yeah, I get that. Let's talk about... Did I interrupt you, by the way? I mean, I don't know. Well, I hope I did. I hope I did. Please tell me I interrupted you. Oh, wait. Well, I think, yeah, you did. You were like, should all men leave? And I was like, yes. And then you said that by interjecting yourself. Yes, and death to patriarchy. Yeah, absolutely. That's the question. So how do you kill the patriarchy? And I'm all for that. I think we have to start by killing all the men. We have enough sperm reserved to last us until we can scientifically clone the ones we like. Get out of here. We don't need you. I think that may be true. Yeah. And even like... I think women can have emotional relationships that are much more powerful with other women. I think this is just my understanding is that women really never needed men for an emotional connection. They can get that from a sister. I mean, this is silly. Obviously, men I think are completely capable of being emotional, thoughtful beings. I don't think there's some biological womaness that makes us... I don't know. Maybe we are more in tune, but I think men do have a capacity. Absolutely. But I don't think I could have an emotional connection with another man the way I could have an emotional connection with another woman. But I think a woman can have an emotional connection with another woman that is as intense as it is with a man. I think it's all possible. What you're suggesting is that gay men will never reach these emotional highs, which I think we all know is not true. Right. I'm saying a heterosexual man. You think sex will just ruins your ability? No, I'm talking about emotional connections. Right. Yeah. To have like... If you're a heterosexual man, that's like a sexual concept. It's okay. But I mean, you can have a friendship that's non-sexual with a woman. Yeah. Well, yeah, I'm learning that it's all fluid now. Does it have to be fluid? I mean, if it is, then it has to be. Can it be chunky? Can it be chunky? It probably is chunky. Probably get chunky over time. So... Is sexuality fluid? I mean, can't... Yes, I think. I mean, sexuality or, you know, absolutely, you find... What does that mean? I don't know. Like, can somebody be attracted to somebody of the same sex? Later today? But if you're drinking and you're in prison. Okay. It's fluid. Oh, now we're... And I mean, now we're swimming in like a different water. You know, now it's like... It's theoretically... There's a biological need to come and you're just going to make that happen. But I think maybe it does prove the fluidity. You might be right. I mean, if I'm... It doesn't turn them off too much to come. Let's go. I did some research. I prepare... How are you doing? Oh, good. How are you doing? I'm great. Are you having fun? Yes. Okay. By the way, if you're enjoying this conversation, you should listen to Sorry I've Been So Busy. It's a podcast hosted by Matt Golditch. He writes late night. Do you want... You know, Matt? I do. And Andrew Goldstein and they interview interesting and funny friends to find out what they've actually been so busy doing that they can't call Andrew and Matt. That's funny. Yeah. So it's called Sorry I've Been So Busy. I did some people... Sounds like they've been too busy doing podcasts. Well, they're two funny guys and it's a great podcast. Sorry I've Been So Busy. So I did some research. Yes. About masturbation. Oh, great. Let's hear it. Okay. Yeah. Oh, sure. Quote on quote. I did research about masturbation. That's why all these porn tabs are open. You've done a... How many episodes about masturbation? We are nearing 200. Are you serious? Yes. We're somewhere around 160. So, yeah. What is the most disturbing thing? Did you... Like the gold diggers not withstanding. Uh-huh. What was the most disturbing thing that you heard? Well, I don't know if it's... Did you ever feel like you had to alert the authorities? No, we desperately want somebody to alert the authorities on. We talk about pedophilia almost every episode just because it's... You know, if they're just masturbating, if they're not actually hurting children, are they? You know, we tend to feel that that's not even wrong. You can't help what turns you on. Oh, I'm sorry. You said what about... You said that if you fantasize about pedophilia... About children. Is that wrong? I don't think so. If you don't... I mean, I think acting on it is wrong. Taking advantage of a child is wrong. Obviously, hurting somebody. But if, you know, if you're just thinking about whatever you're thinking about, if you're just turning on the Disney channel and give me a break if they don't know that that's what's happening. Oh, my God! Oh, my God! Disney is the biggest smut peddlers to pedophiles on the planet. Oh, my God! Stop! Are you serious? I believe so. Oh, my God. What would you do if you were a pedophile and it's illegal to download porn? And here are these, you know, kids in makeup. Oh, my God! And like hot little outfits on TV. I mean, look at Miley Cyrus. Look at our hand in Montana. Oh, my God. You know, this... Before she was even 18, she's, you know, wearing... Oh, my God! You're horrified. But these are the realities. Well, no, but no, because there is... You're right. Hang on for one second. Hang on. Yes. I have to process this. You're right. There's something wrong with child actors to begin with. Absolutely. It's completely exploitative. If they can't make decisions for themselves, how are you going to... Like, those decisions to be famous are too big for them. But I mean, I was a kid. I wanted to be famous. I'm sure it's very exciting and fun. They start the world with lots of money, but... And all laws do not apply to Hollywood. In other words, it's against the law for a child to work. We outlawed that in the early 1900s. And yet? And yet, kids work in Hollywood. Absolutely. And not to mention, Hollywood is the biggest pedophile ring that there is in America. Some of these producers use that fame and power to steal children. And that's a reality. Yes, I've done several episodes about Amy Berg's documentary. And I always get the title wrong. So look up Amy Berg on... It's called Kidfuckers. Yes, that's right. I believe it's called A Known Secret. That's the name of the documentary. I've devoted episodes to this documentary. I have a block on the title. I'm not trying to sound self-righteous and innocent. But I do... I refuse to believe that this stuff actually goes on. It's just... I can't fathom. Yeah, it's horrendous to think about. I can't fathom. That's why they get away with it. You get the benefit of the doubt always. Sure, yeah. But yeah, so kids are allowed to work in Hollywood. The labor laws don't apply. Even though there are laws for child actors, even those are violated. Yes, so you were saying... You always talk about pedophilia on your show. It does come up. We do... We would like to get somebody who identifies as that to talk to us. How... But who would do that? Somebody, like a listener, might under, you know, not come in but maybe do a voice call, change the voice if they need to or want to. It can't be cured as I... I don't think it can. No. So even like chemical castrate... Nothing works. Well, chemical castration isn't a cure. It is a stop. It's just a full stop of sexuality. So I was at a party five years ago and there was a psychiatrist there. And they were drinking and I said... It was a female psychiatrist and I said, why do some people survive molestation and others don't? Why do some women survive horrible sexual encounters and some women don't? And she said, that's a great question. And then she poured another drink and she said, nobody survives. It's just people have different coping mechanisms. They're wired to cope but nobody survives these things. And I said, well, what about cultural norms? Because if you read the symposium, Plato symposium, Plato says the highest form of love is between a man and a boy. So culturally in ancient Greek. Did he mean sexually or did he... Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I said, was there trauma in ancient Greece? Because these boys supposedly were being molested. I mean, you know, pedorast and pedant. A pedant is a teacher, right? Okay. And pedorast is somebody who molest... I mean, teachers in ancient Greece, they had boys sitting at their... That's an interesting... I didn't know that. That's my theory. I don't know my Greek roots. Well, I'm making... I make up a lot of crap. Oh, that's not true. I don't know if it's true. It's just my theory that the word pedant or pedant and pedorasty have the same origin. It comes from teachers. If pedant means teacher, I think that's a very interesting connection. Okay. So she said, I don't know. I don't know if these boys... But she did say the cycle continued when they grew up. They then... But I mean, yeah, that's evolution at its core, social evolution. Then she said, and then I looked it up because I knew you were coming on the show. Are you okay? You're looking... Oh, I feel like Alex was trying to get your attention. Oh, come in, Scott. Is that if Scott comes in early? Sure. You know Scott Rogowski? Hey, how are you? Yes, I do. Why don't you sit at the head of the table? We're talking about pedophiles. Come on in. I heard. Great. So the shrink said, Scott Rogowski from Running Late. Oh, how are we doing? You're early. Am I? I'm just making a pun on Running Late. Micah should be on your show. Yeah. I'd love to. Thanks for booking it, David. There we go. I hear manager here. That's what I do. I have no talent other than putting people together. Too bad I couldn't walk with you and your wife. Right, you cut right to the quick there. Yeah. You could. I sent it right back. Have you heard Micah's podcasts? No. They're amazing. On the show? No, she does two amazing podcasts. I don't listen to podcasts, David. You should listen to Shaman. I don't have time to even watch Breaking Bad. Is that still on the air? Shaman. Shaman. This Week in Jacken. He would be a great guest. This Week in Jacken, that I've heard of. That's you? That's me and Chris Laker. Yeah, Chris Laker. Yeah. He would be, I would love to know what he masturbates to. Yeah. Is that something? It's this right here, David. This podcasting table. Did Marty, Marty's your dad? Yeah. I love Marty. He loved him, too. His show. Have you seen Running Late? I know of it, but I actually haven't. I haven't watched an episode. Yeah, see, no one wants, comics don't want each other's shit. Yeah. He came up with a genius concept. I'm going to have to school him in front of you. He came up with a brilliant idea to do a talk show where his sidekick is his father. Great, yeah. And my daughter had told me about this. She said it's the funniest thing in the world because Scott is a good-looking, young, Jewish kid. One of my daughters said, yeah, he's very attractive. There's no way your daughter found this. Yeah, she knew about it. No way. She told, yes. And she said it's really funny because your daughter, why haven't we met? Believe me, you don't want to get near her. She'll just turn you against David. You don't need to much convincing. But what the genius, as my daughter explained it to me, was here's a good-looking, young guy trying to get laid and he's doing the dumbest thing imaginable, hosting a show with his goofy father, which is kind of like the turnoff because Marty reveals what you're going to look like. He's a good-looking guy. Yeah, come on. That's not the hard part. The hard part is when I invite girls to the show inevitably and they have to meet my dad or they're sitting next to my mom in the audience or something. So that's always tricky. So I don't invite girls to my shows anymore. I was going to get to something and it's really delicious, so I want to get to that in a second. Could you be turned off, Mike? Yes. Could you, let me first ask the question. Could you be turned off to a guy after meeting his mother and father? Could you find a guy really attractive and then you meet the mother and father and it just... It doesn't help. But no, I think if I found someone like legitimately attractive, the sins of the father are not the sins of though. Is that... I don't know, what is that? The crayon? The apple doesn't fall far. Right. Would I be worried that they'd turn out like their parents? Yeah. I mean, I think that's silly, yeah. And there was a girl in high school who had the hottest mom and she was not bad looking herself, but I always thought that's the one you go for. You got to go for the one with the hot mom because you know what they're going to look like later and they're going to age well. And then she tells you she's adopted. No, and then she got married to someone else. But that's how it goes with me. Could you fall in love with a girl? You go and meet the mother and she's at a prison. The mom did time. I mean, I've dated women in prison, so I don't mind that. You know, look, yeah. It's I have been turned off by a girl's brother I was dating who was like a total out of control alcoholic. And I was like, I don't want to hang out with this guy. I mean, and where, you know. You dumped her over that guy? Well, I didn't dump. It was a very early in the relationship kind of thing. And we went on a few dates and one of the dates was like this dinner with brothers and friends and things. I was like, oh my God, I don't want to be part of this family. So no, I do look at the family to be honest. And then on the other coin, I was dating a girl for off and off for three years. And I was, you know, very serious about her. She never introduced me to her parents. And I took a front to that. I mean, she met my family several times, never even an invitation to meet the father, meet the mother. So that was that bothered me. I have a great question that I'm very curious about. And Alex, I okay, I want to Alex to answer this. Okay, I grew up. I was ashamed of my parents. I don't know why, but I was ashamed of my parents. And I decided Julius and Ethel. Yes, the secrets that they gave to the Russians for the atomic bomb. And they didn't make money off it. Right. I was so ashamed that my, I was Julius and Ethel Rosenberg's kid. And they're about to go to the chair and I go, mom, dad, where's the money? Where's the money? And they said it was for ethical reasons that they wanted the Russians to have them. I am so ashamed. So that, by the way, that's the audience, just except for Jonathan Alper, who's listening, everybody else just switched over to this weekend jacking. Okay, so I made it a point that my kids were going, I was going to have, I was going to be the coolest dad that I decided. Oh God, there's nothing, there's nothing less cool than that decision. Yeah. And I literally would come downstairs and the teenagers would be there. Just ripping guitar solos in your bathrobe with sunglasses on. You want to smoke a 2B? And I was doing more of Tom Cruise and Risky business. In my underwear, I would just air guitar. And the authorities were contact. Apparently it's against the law to play Bob Seager music in front of young kids. It should be illegal everywhere. But yeah, me and my underwear sliding across the floor. So I used to declare that I am the coolest father. No, no. I would literally go, I've been on MTV several times. I would show them me on MTV. I go, look, and I would take my kids to comedy clubs. And when I was opening or working with great people, I would take them. I go, am I the coolest? And they found a way to be ashamed of me. Yeah, this is, I'm embarrassed listening to this. Really? Yes. It'd only be worse if you just as fell to the clown. And through birthday parties, I like capturing the freemids. Capturing the felmets would have been a nice. I think shame of your parents. I've already said that I masturbate. She asked me what I masturbate to. And I said the movie capturing the freemids. I let the record show I did not ask. She walked in on me. Which is kind of like asking. Oh, I love this movie. Oh, God! This podcast should be called capturing the freemids. So this is my theory. And then I want to ask you, and I know you have cool parents. I know that Alex Brazell, like if you want to be raised, I know. And they made a cool kid out of them. They made a cool kid. I think shame, which is shame on. We're going to talk about shame in a second. I think it's taught. You have to be. And I think my kids picked up the shame from their friends. And they projected it on to me. Oh, you are pathetic. No, I. Come on. You will find any excuse for it to not be your fault. I think all. You are desperate for them to find you cool. There's nothing less cool than being desperate for that. And it's like, and look at you even now, they're grown. You want us to believe you're cool. This little beanie you're wearing and Warby Parker's. Oh, it's so. You're getting so close to death. Let it go. Were you okay? But he's dealing. He's dealing with the ultimate shame to me. There's no way I could ever get laid if I had my mother and father around. Because you're not cool. Yeah, you have to find a way to be charming about it and it's endearing. People love my dad on stage. They love the dynamic we have. And I can't scientifically prove it's gotten me laid. But you know, when people. You're not ashamed of your dad. I'm not ashamed of him. No, otherwise I wouldn't invite him on stage with me. But isn't that what makes it so funny is that every son is ashamed of his father? I don't know. I'm so proud of my dad. My dad is like the ultimate pinnacle of the human being that I would like to be in one one hand. But on the other hand, he's like the least cool guy out there. And that's that's what makes it funny. I mean, there's nothing about him that I would want that I want to, you know, in a social aspect inherit because he has no, he really has no friends. This is true. I mean, he's a politician. He has constituents. He doesn't have friends. So he treats everyone like a constituent. Even me growing up, you know, what do you think of the sewer policies? I mean, he has been the same. Make me hand out pamphlets. His father is the president of the temple. Now he's the president of the temple. So he's always, you know, he just he loves public service. He likes serving the people. And God bless him. And he's a wonderful father. But in terms of connecting in a real way, having authentic moments, bonding over music, television, movies, it's very hard to do. The arts are sort of a blind spot for him. But it sounds like that's what a Jewish husband is. A Jewish husband is basically a guy who goes off to work and then is a shut-in. Yeah. I mean, he's basically a shut-in, you know. And he hangs out with your mom. Yeah. Loves my mom. I mean, the two of them have been married for 34 years, 35 years. And raised two great kids. That's probably why my parents got divorced. My dad was too cool. That's a thing. Cool people are dangerous, but you don't want to be cool. What I have tried to explain to women is that Jewish, the reason Jewish men make great husbands, the cliche is they make great husbands because they're basically agoraphobics. And agoraphobia means fear of the marketplace. And Jewish men don't want to go shopping. They want to stay home because if you go shopping, you're spending money. So a good Jewish man, a good Jewish husband doesn't cheat because it's a way. It's a waste of money. I mean, does it cost benefit analysis? Right. And he says, you know, I rather shut up the same old man. I have to, but you have to. A good Jewish husband stays home and he reads. And that is how I defend myself to women. I just kind of want to read and have sex. Yeah. You don't even brag to them about the times you were on MTV. You don't show them old clips. Is that a really unattractive trait to brag? No, no, to just because I'm like, I'm like your dad. Yeah, you would have. You would have been a great. I mean, if I think about that, I mean, I'm sleeping with your mother. Motherfucker. If there were, I always wonder like what I look at my other my friends, Dad's growing up and I would always compare myself to my friend, my friend's parents. I'm saying, oh, Harry's parents let him eat candy all they want and watch Zelda, you know, play Zelda all day and watch Godzilla movies. And now Harry's like in the looney bin. But, you know, I mean, it's when you're younger, you think those guys are cool. Is there anything attractive about a man who just wants to talk, go out a little, but basically stay home and read? Sure. Why not? That's attractive. I mean, are these the only qualities of him? Or is he a three-dimensional person? I think I might be a one-dimensional person. He's a cardboard cutout. I think you have to look at the Tinder bios. And, you know, if you go by the Tinder bios, you got to find someone who's just as comfortable staying home reading a book as they are going out with their friends. Because that is every profile on these dating sites. But I mean, it's such a stupid thing because of course people, I don't think anybody likes to go out every night of the week or stay home every night of the week. I mean, you, But you're saying this guy, you never wants to go out. Well, I do. I just want to figure out why. Why? You want to go out? Is it going to be noisy? Oh, all right, stop. No, but I'm with you. I'm with you in some respect. I've sort of lost interest in, I mean, going out, you know, very rarely will I go. I went to a bachelor party last month, a Montreal. And this was the first time. So did I. I was like, well, I'm a stripper, but go ahead. You and my mother was the stripper at my bachelor party. That explains everything. So much. Mostly about how cheap you are. No, she cleaned up afterward in tips. Ma, what are you doing in there, Ma? You said to bring the kogel. Howie Greenberg. I know, you know, my mother. I know you. What are you doing in that room with my mom? What do you mean? What do you mean he's a VIP, Ma? Go ahead. Sorry. No, but I was at the special party and you are you are you looking at me like this? Just let him tell a story. But my point is I was out for the first time in a long really out and going to these clubs, you know, spending bottling bottle service. I've never done that before in my life. You know, these guys are. What's bottle service? It's when you go to a club and you pay like $750 for a bottle of gray goose and they bring the sparklers out and the hot girls' servity. Because that's a strip joint. No, this is just a nightclub kind of situation. They have these dinner clubs that become after about 1130, they move the tables to the side and becomes a club. So I'm I'm kind of instead of going to the bar paying for one drink at a time, you lay your own table in the back of the room. It's private. You have somewhere to sit most nightclubs. You can't sit down and let them stay home. Well, that's my point. I mean, it's to me it was fun for that one night. But you know, people do that every weekend and I just don't see the point of it. I mean, it's first of all, I can't afford it. You really mean it's absurdly expensive to go out that in that in that fashion. But even though I'm not a big drinker. So to me going to a bar has like very little appeal to me. You sound like David. Yeah. No, I'm married. Scott, you and me. I think this has all been leaning at this moment. You mean an older man in my life. I do. This could be a stay home and read Calvin Klein situation. Yeah. And you'll be my nephew. We'll go out in public. It's my nephew. He's living with me. I actually did have my nephew living with me. I did. And you guys watched capturing the freedoms together. And I would be, you know, I'm divorced and there aren't many, there aren't that many women going in and out of my apartment. It's suddenly my nephew is living. So I found myself saying to the neighbors, this is my nephew, last name Feldman. Oh, God. That sounds so suspicious. And I just had a powerful insight. I think David can stop doing the podcast if you just get them late one night, just once. You just need one woman in your apartment and you will forget all about this stupid thing. Right. Let me. Hopefully all quick comedy too. So the psychiatrist who I met at the party. Yes. Said about trauma of molestation. She said there actually is a tribe in New Guinea where there doesn't seem to be any trauma associated with their ritualized abuse. And I looked it up because I had this conversation with her about five years ago. So I looked this up. They're called the Sambias and they were discovered by an American anthropologist named Gilbert Hurt. Clipendorf, I thought it was going to be. Gilbert Clipendorf. Clipendorf's tribe. This is not a Richard Dreyfus movie from 1995. Okay, forget it. No. And as I'm reading this, I have a theory as I'm reading this. He's a cultural anthropologist, Gilbert Hurt. And he studied ritualized homosexuality among the Sambia people of New Guinea. They believe that semen is sacred and they practice semen ingestion with pubescent boys. It's a rite of passage. They believe that a pubescent boy's semen is like mother's milk and must be nurtured. And they are against masturbation. They think masturbation wastes the milk. Yeah. So they store it and make butter and cheese? I mean, what are they? They believe that semen is more powerful than milk and they have a ritual in which the older men fillate the younger boys and they ingest the semen for strength the same way when they were babies, these same men would take their mother's milk. And here's my theory about this as I'm going over this. I think Gilbert Hurt, the American anthropologist, made all this shit up. I think he got caught with a young boy and he invented the Sambia people. I mean, I was going to say, this seems like just an excuse that these elder tribesmen made up hundreds of years ago. I want to suck a little kid's dick. Right. You know? Like moils. The way the moils do. I mean, talk about that. Well, my one question is, is there not one straight guy being like, wait a second, I don't want to suck this kid's dick. Not one of them. When it becomes part of the culture in grain, usually this is what you have to do. Are they humiliated for being straight? Yeah. So when you say sexuality is fluid. Okay. Yeah, that was my term. Oh, okay. Yes. Well, no, they say sexuality is fluid. Yes. Is isn't they're talking about the semen, right? Yeah. Yeah. Isn't like, isn't it also like when in New Guinea, I mean, in other words, if you're on an island where they're all fileting young boys, is that to fit in, is that what fluidity? I mean, that's what Thailand's for, I thought. No. You know, I mean, but there's like a sex, I don't know what the deal is in Thailand and what the sex tourism thing. But let's find out. Let's get on a plate. But is that part of the culture too there? Like the fact that, I mean, I don't know. Well, I suspect that's catering to American things. Or European or rich people's tastes. Yeah. Freud says that human beings are polymorphously perverse. And that you need culture to dictate what is right and what is wrong. Is it wrong for a culture to dictate sexual norms? I mean, maybe if they didn't, there wouldn't be any sex at all. Who knows? But I mean, like that. You're raising your stake point because, you know, because there's, it gets into what's exploitative and what's taking advantage. I mean, that is the question. Because yeah, if you're going to dictate, you can't do BDSM. You can't tie people up. Let's just say, you know, well, well, people are going to object to that even though that's not really hurting, you know, disadvantaged people. When you say you can't have sex with kids. All right, we're drawing the line clearly at that point. But, you know, David clearly wants to have sex with kids, which is why we're having this conversation. How old of a kid do you want to fuck that? I don't even want to go there. And by the way, I'm going to tell you something because I'm in denial about this stuff. I was told before the internet, this is what I was told. Don't tell anybody. That's what I was told. No, Alex Bennett, a friend of mine, one of the guy invented a form of radio that in many ways I'm doing now, but not as well. He used to say that child porn never existed. This was what he, you know, and he was good friends with Al Goldstein, the publisher of Screw Magazine. And they maintained that pedophilia was invented by the FBI. Oh, please. This is what I was told. This is what you just say, Plato fucked his students. Yeah, but this is what I was told by Al Goldstein from Screw Magazine. The criminal aspect of pedophilia, making it a... That there was no such thing as child porn, that it was invented by the FBI to frame people. That there was something that could plant on people to ruin their lives. They probably did that, but of course pedophilia and child porn existed anyway. But when did it... I mean, in Victorian era, England, was it a taboo? At what point did it become... Yeah, I don't know these things. I'm sure there's some book about it, but when did the idea of child porn and pedophilia become so outrageous and unacceptable? Do we know? I don't know. I mean, I just blocked this stuff out. It's just so unimaginable. It didn't even really exist in the 80s. I don't know if you guys saw that Netflix documentary. Where is Josh something? And this kid was abducted into a child sex ring. And the police, it never even occurred to them that that could have happened to him. They were like, he must have run away. Two weeks go by. They're like, no. Someone... They were like, well, who would take a kid? It wasn't even in the sphere. And that was the 80s. Wasn't even in the sphere. Well, we had an author of a book about the McMartin preschool. And I don't want to go down this road, but because pedophilia does exist, we know what's going on in Hollywood. At the same time, we also know that the McMartin preschool was hysteria about satanic worship and pedophilia. And then it turned out that these were psychologists forcing kids to say they were molested. So it's very complicated. The thing that reason I bring this up is this WikiLeaks drop. Now we're learning that the CIA can listen to you. If you have a Samsung television, did you read about this? Yeah, briefly. They can never buy Samsung. I mean, I'm an Apple oil. If you have a Samsung, the NSA is listening to you. And now with self-driving cars. Yeah, it's terrifying. I have an Amazon Echo. You know, I'm probably on 50 lists. What is to stop the NSA and the FBI from doing what they've been doing since the dawn of our national security state planting evidence on your computer? You know how easy it is to plant evidence on your computer? That's at least what I told my wife. I feel like you're building a case here. Honey, let's get back to masturbation. In 1838, Jean Escarol, he was a doctor. He wrote, I'm going to pardon my French accent, Daze Malady's Mentalies to the Mental Illnesses. In 1838, Jean Escarol wrote what at that time was the definitive encyclopedia of mental illness. And he said, quote, masturbation is recognized in all countries and all cultures as insanity. That masturbation was an act of insanity. And Dr. John Harvey Kellogg and the Reverend Sylvester Graham, at the time, they came up with remedies to prevent masturbation. They suggested even... That's how those flakes got frosted. I don't know if Dr. Kellogg, though I think that might have been a different Kellogg. I believe it, I think it was the same Kellogg. Dr. Kellogg, yeah, the guy who's created Kellogg's, the guy invented cereal was a medical doctor. He was a medical doctor creating fixing maladies. I think this is the connection. Can you look that up? And then Reverend Graham probably invented the graham cracker, which were to cure masturbate. Let's look that up. There is not a snack on the market that wasn't invented to cure. You know, Cheetos, they just make your hands orange. That way you get caught orange dicked. And Malabar's gonna just fuck outright. By the way, that's one of my favorite jokes that goes, doctor, my orange, my orange, my penis is all orange. Can you look at it? And he goes, well, before I look at your orange penis, just tell me, has anything changed? No, I'm doing the same thing I always do, just watching television eating Cheetos. Just watching television eating Cheetos. That's an old joke, huh? That's an old joke. From like the 30s? Well, I don't know. When was Cheetos, when was Cheetos dust invented? So part of the cures for masturbation, electric shock therapy, restraining devices like chastity belts, straight jackets, quarterization, or the surgical excision of the genitals. This was in the late 19th century, almost 120 years ago, masturbation was something that had to be prayed away and cured. They would cauterize your genitals. I feel like that could solve a lot of problems. But it's just, it's voluntary. I mean, who's compulsively masturbating? Some people. Doctor, I can't, I mean, that's insane to me that they would go to the lengths of cauterization. Just doctor, how about tying your hands? Hang on, before we start incising the genitals, how about you tie your hands behind your back? Hang on, I think I have a joke. Doctor, I can't stop masturbating. Stop thinking you're a mother. Oh, Jesus, David. So, no, but what's the, there's a joke. Doctor, I can't stop masturbating. Well, but what did they know? You're an expert. You do an entire show on this. If 120 years ago, Micah Fox, they were taking soldering irons to your genitals to stop you from masturbation. What did they know back then that we don't know? Some powerful BDSM tools. The original of Fifty Shades. What, because they must know something that... That is the dumbest argument, David. I know, thank you. They thought gravity, you know, have you read, you gotta read Chuck Kloserman's book, the title, they got the Tamai show. I just said Chuck Kloserman who wrote a book called What If We're Wrong about all the terrible wrong theories people have had over the years that have been... What if the earth really is flat? What did they know about sea monsters? I mean, when did psychiatrists... What do you know and when did you know it? What year did psychiatrists finally say masturbation wasn't sick? Oh, I don't know. I'm gonna say the 40s. When do you think... Is it the DSM? Yes, the... The Dumb Kloserman. Diagnostic and Statistic Manual. When do you think psychiatrists said officially? Oh, officially, I would say the 80s. Oh, very good. 1972. Really? When they said masturbation and homosexuality is not a sickness. She's 72. So people... If you went to a psychiatrist in the 60s and said my son is masturbating, they'd say... A lot of them would say he's sick. They'd say to Frankie Avalon or to Annette Funetelli. That is... Has he heard about the bird? It was... Here, I found it. It was a diagnosable psychological condition until 1968. In other words, you could be treated by a psychiatrist in 1968 because you were masturbating. I mean, you can still be treated by one for being a homosexual. Yeah, Michelle Bachman's husband. One treated me at TGI Fridays the other night to a nice dinner and dancing afterwards. No, I don't think... They don't try to cure homosexuality in the psychiatric community. Not legally, like, yes, absolutely. But in the disbarred psychiatric community. A friend of mine in college, his parents sent him to a therapist. This was less than 10 years ago. Sent him to a therapist to cure him from his homosexuality. We were in this millennium. The millennium. Did it work? Did it take? No, of course not. Of course not. Yeah, yeah, it took. Now he... It took David Feldman's head shot to turn him off for men. Is there a cure? I asked this on my last show. Is there a cure for being straight? That's... Wouldn't it be better to be gay? Now that's a bumper sticker, David. The benefits to masturbation. Have you gone over this? They've done studies now. Oh, sure, yeah. It cures depression. This is what they're finding now. That it cures depression. Ruin sofas. Ruin sofas. That's why my mother had the plastic on the bag. Obviously. Now I see. Wait a second. My parents had plastic on the sofa and hard candy. They were bringing kids home to... Not the... Okay. This is what they... We are so close... We're so concerned. To an admission that is going to land you in jail. No. We're like... We're paper fed. There's a breakthrough here. Were you molested? No. No? No. Are you molesting? No. If I was going down on my uncle Arnie, I was molesting him. If I'm a six-year-old boy going down on my uncle Arnie... I say a word, old man. Shut your mouth. Can you imagine? Don't you say a word, old man. You shut your mouth. Now it says that masturbation... This is now... Because I think psychiatrists... You know, God bless the psychiatric community. And Lord knows I've kept them afloat for the past 50 years. But it says here that masturbation leads to a higher sense of self-esteem. That is... That could not be more wrong. Yeah. Go ahead. I mean, I... And I'd be happy to do your podcast because I could talk about this all day. But I have a very complicated relationship to masturbation stemming from high school or you know, pre-high school when I was... You know, I was very into it to the point. But it was... When you were in the 80s, it was big in the... Masturbation's big in the 80s. How old do you think I am? No, this is like Britney Spears' debut album, okay? This is like... She was a lot of people's debut album. Yeah. Yeah. I would jerk off to those music videos. Anyway, but I... The Catholic girl after... Oh my God, yes. Baby, one more time. But she was underage. And four times a day. She was underage. So was I. So was he. So was he. Huh? So was he. So was I. Dave, I'm 32. But that's not legal. Of course it is. I told you and she was a Disney star. Bring it all back. I think a 15-year-old can masturbate to a 16-year-old. Any day. Any day of the week. But my point is, I would get so mad at myself. And I would really... I have journals that I used to keep back then. And I would rip into myself for masturbating. And for wasting time. Because I looked at it as a total time suck. You know, I was trying to get my work done and everything. And I couldn't focus. And now you've completed your 10,000 hours to become a masturbate. Not a masturbate. Now I'm proficient. In Microsoft Word. That's Malcolm Happy Ending Well. That's right. But you know, so now I mean, I've sort of like weaned myself off it. And I still have those. Although there's this weird Pavlovian response when I'm home. If I'm at my back of your hair in the house. And you know, they leave here. The car. I just boom. I might just go back to being 14 again. And I got a masturbate. That's hilarious. Did your father, I would assume Marty said to you there was no shame associated with masturbation. He never talked about that. We never talked about it. But I had terrible shame about it. And I really would excoriate myself. And you know, we can talk about this in your pocket. You still learned the word excoriate. You turned out all right. Yeah. I don't know. Okay. But I mean, I would spend hours. You know, I get the 20 tabs open at once and you know, it took longer back then before dial up or before the high speed. So, you know, when I was a kid, I had to imagine the internet. I had to imagine the internet. He looked at the constellations and jerked off to the pleiades. Wait a second. Hang on for one second. Wait a minute. That's a great joke. You're welcome. That is. You imagine Gemini on doing Orion's belt. You should do that. Micah, you should do that here. Does anybody do a joke about that? That I had to imagine the internet? That's a good joke. It's good. That is good. Alex, that is the point of this podcast, right? The degenerate material. Alex, does anybody do a joke like that? It's to talk him out of his own material. About having to jerk off. I had to imagine internet porn. Yeah, when I was a kid, we didn't have internet porn. I had to masturbate imagining a place called porn hub. You masturbated the domain registrations. So, it's intrinsically shameful. Here's a guy who just knew. How does it help your self-esteem? Oh, yeah. So, what else are these psychologists getting wrong? I jerk off to my older poor cards. Your wasted potential. My fulfilled potential. I'm like, wow, at some point, I knew of a geometry. I masturbate to my YouTube clips. Excellent crowd work. Follower accounts. You know, men talk about masturbation. I'm going to go rub one out. It's like taking care of business. It's like maintenance. Sucking the poison out. It's trimming nose hairs, basically. Women don't. No, I think because for women, masturbation is so much less talked about. It's so much stranger. You have to do a lot more self-discovery to figure things out that by the time you're masturbating as a woman, it's like a moment. What do you mean? I mean, I'm not speaking for all women, but I think because guys around that age, maybe some do some don't talk about, oh, you're drinking off. Oh, you sell that Britney Spears video. Oh, hey, you want to borrow my older brother's porn? I stole and you swap porn. And there's not every guy, but there's a level of communication about it that women, I found talking to a lot of them, don't really have. It's sort of a more quiet thing. Not every girl masturbates, too. There's less of a conversation until you're older. If you're going for it, it's just like, you take your time. You have your moment. It's not. Do women have multiple orgasms when they're masturbating? I mean, if I had multiple, I mean, can you imagine? If they're thinking of me, they are. If I were capable of multiple orgasms or just one, I know that I would, I mean, I would just be on my, you know, right, or is it, is one good enough for a woman when? Depends on the woman. I know Esther Koo has her own podcast that starts with the sound of her masturbating. She is a compulsive masturbator. Can't stop because she can have multiple orgasms. And so she has lost days to this. Wow, really? Yeah. This is her episode of our podcast. She goes into great lost days to it because she can make herself come so many times in a row. Does she need a man at that point? I mean, does she? She doesn't need one. I mean, but, you know, she has it. Is it better with a man or is it different? I imagine it's, she's come so easily that it's fine no matter what. Sign me up. If you, well, if there were, if you could just be coming. She says it's a problem. She has, she's a comedian. She has ambitions and goals. She's a comedian. Hey. I mean, you're not wrong. But, but seriously, if you could just be coming all day, you got to pay your rent, dude. Well, that's one way to do it. Actually, you got to take a shower. I mean, just she does have a podcast where she talks about it. It's very popular. I eat. There's a sense where it does help repair rent. Well, if you were, she's just filming. I mean, if she were to, I mean, if she didn't need to work, could she just be coming all day? No, you got to refuel. You need fluids. You need food. Desiccate yourself. But listen, I look at, I look at all this stuff, sex and orgasm. I'm, you know, it's like eating a great meal or at a great restaurant. And, you know, you can't do that every night. You can't have the best slice of pizza you've ever had every night. Because then it loses its appeal, loses its magic. You know, it's like drugs too. You get that first time you do a drug at that incredible high, and you spend the rest of your life chasing that. So, you know, I, if I could come that easily, or if I could come every, I would, I would do my darndest to avoid doing that. Because at some point, yeah, I have to manage, she just loses the feeling and becomes numb to it. But, but how can an orgasm, I mean, I know that they're... If you wait, I waited six days recently between, between ejaculations, and it was incredible. I know. Just six days. Alex is like screaming over there. Just six days. Imagine six months. Imagine, I mean, I'm hearing a lot of talk about people like re-virginizing themselves these days and going on celibacy vows. Yeah, Chrissy Teigen and what's his dick? They didn't fucking, once they got engaged until they got married, and then, you know, post it all night. I'll tell you how intense it is if you wait six months. I waited six months. I did. Without ejaculating. Without ejaculating. Six months. And when I finally ejaculate, Here comes the joke. I actually hit a guy and coach in the eye. In the eye. All the way from first class. Oh my God. All the way back into coach. I hit the guy in the eye. Did you tell that story to your children? No. I didn't want them to know I flew first class. That's the thing that happens. You fly first class, you get bumped up. You got a jerk off. You got to. With a little mini towel they give you, a hot towel. The Merck manual says 97% of men and 80% of women have masturbated. Oh, like the jerk manual. Am I right? Yeah. Or the Merckin manual. Who do you think masturbates more? Males or females? I mean, I would have to guess men. But more like more times a day or more like percentage of the population. Percentage of the population. Oh, still probably men. It's just right there. And it's more socially acceptable. And now I interviewed Professor Lisa Wade. She wrote a book called Hooking Up. It's about sex on college campuses. And I think it was a great interview. But I think you can say anything about sex. It's hard to prove. Sure. Especially masturbation because, you know, who's going to tell the truth? Who's going to tell the truth? But she says that men in college, the studies show, are more into an emotional connection than women are. Really? I don't believe that. Yeah, but how do you even prove that? Well, that's what the studies have shown. Studies. I mean, I don't even know where to begin to quantify that. What's the point of these studies? I don't understand because everyone is so different. To look at men and women in these groups, what are we learning about that? Because then you run into people go, well, I'm not like that. So they had these studies speak. Now you have people have these preconceived notions about the other sex. Yeah. And they just, they dump it all on them. They project it on them. It's like, no, we're all wildly different, especially when it comes to sexuality. You can't possibly, it's just a pointless survey. Well, all this talk about sex, the elephant in the room, is we are highly sexualized, but not having sex. That Americans are having less and less sex. Why are we walking around with our clothes on? I wonder that all the time. Well, it's cold as shit out today. Right now, but I kind of thought these thoughts in high schools, like, what if we just all walked around naked and, you know, we just had sex whenever you wanted. But why do you think Americans, why are Americans having less sex? Married couples are having less sex. Single people are having less sex in America. And yet it's all we talk about. It's because we're having more Instagram and more Snapchat. I mean, I just think people have become so self-informed that they rather post a selfie of them with a latte design. Right. Like, than have sex. I mean, to some people, that's more important now. Well, yeah, getting those likes definitely releases oxytocin, you know, so if you're getting a steady, low stream of it, why do you need the big burst of it later? And if you could post nudity on Instagram, I think we'd see more sex. So you're saying that people are masturbating more than having sex. I think that's true. I know I meant like masturbating to the sense of like, to your own likes, not not even actually masturbating, but just getting likes is, is a high, you know, you don't, and you don't, there's no real rejection in there. Okay. I don't like to judge, but I'm going to judge. And I, I, I'm going to let you rule. Huh? Yeah, I don't like that. I'm not very judgmental. Except for every minute of my life. I'm not judgmental. In fact, of all the people I know, I am the least judgmental. That is a variation on every stupid joke like that. So masturbation, this is what the Merck manual says. More like Merck and manual. That men masturbate by placing both hands directly on their penis during masturbation. I wish I can get two hands on it. Choke up. Boy, they mean on the front, right? Just to keep it from coming out. I was, I choke up. And by that, I mean, I put a belt around my neck and this is, okay, some guys use their free hand to fondle their testicles. Not me, man. Okay. See. All right. Now I'm going to judge. Now I'm going to judge. But first I want Micah's opinion on this. Many men. This sounds like it's the beginning of a tongue twister. Many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many, many. Many men according to the Merck manual. Merck manual says many men masturbate by rubbing their nipples. Do not respond. Do not judge. Micah Fox. Yeah. A man with one hand on his shaft or his helmet rubbing his nipples. Yeah. Right or wrong. Yeah, absolutely. You think that's right. Oh yeah. What do you mean, right morally or right that happens? Wrong, wrong. No, oh my God, men's nipples are so sensitive. I don't know why people pretend that they're not. A man is not supposed, if they're, listen to me. If there are young kids listening. I don't feel it. You do not masturbate touching and rubbing your nipples. Oh God, if there are kids listening, stop listening. Don't listen, oh my God. Call 911. Like legally, you had to be allowed to talk to your children, but for God's sake. No, I mean this. If you are a man, if you're a teenager, if you're a parent who sees your son masturbating with one hand, rubbing his nipples, cauterize his genitalia. He is mentally ill. That is sick. No man should rub his nipples while masturbating. Especially a Jewish man. You've masturbated with one hand and balanced your checkbook with the other. That's how I was taught. In the animal kingdom, sexologist Havlock Ellis in 1927 wrote a book called Studies in the Psychology of Sex where he watched bulls, goats, sheep, camels and elephants. Well, I guess he wrote the book after his wife got him jerking off at the zoo. But he says that bulls, goats, sheep, camels and elephants jerk themselves off. Really? How? Well, frottage. Is it rubbing up again? Is this interesting? I think this is fascinating. I guess that's what those humps are for. Next on Planet Earth. He studied a goat. A goat. And a goat, he says, will blow himself. They do auto-philatia. How can a goat... I guess animals can reach their genitals better than we can. Probably. That's why goat's milk is so good for you. I'm surprised dogs don't. They lick their own dicks. They do. Do they come though? I don't know. Or do we just cut off all their balls so we never see it? I've never seen... Because we've had a lot of dogs. I've seen dogs lick them. Oh, actually, of course they do. They hump their toys until they come. They do come. You've seen dog come? I personally haven't, but I know that that's a thing. I've never seen dog come. I've never seen dog come. I've never seen dog come. Now that I think about it, I've never seen dog come. I felt it inside of me, but I've never seen it. I'm fired from my own podcast. Alex just fired me. I've never seen... We must have had six dogs. I've never once seen dog come. I mean, I'll turn on my phone. We'll see it in five seconds. I don't even need to go to airplane mode. I'll just pull it up for my photographs. You want dog come? I'll get you some dog come. You guys want some dog come? I'll get you dog come by Tuesday 3 p.m. Here, this is what Havlock Ellis wrote about ferrets. If the bitch, that's what the annoying ferrets are called. That's what they call ferrets. When she's in heat and she cannot obtain another male ferret, she becomes ill. How ill? She begins to look for a smooth pebble. The ferrets will look for a smooth pebble or bam bam. Call 911. Daddy's having a stroke. No, okay. And then she uses the smooth pebble to masturbate with it. And then she no longer needs the male ferret. That doesn't sound ill at all. That sounds healthy. Well, before she finds the smooth pebble. Is it ill like Beastie Boy's ill? How are we using ill here? Ill communication? I don't know. What? You haven't rubbed a smooth pebble on your genitals before? I mean, jeez, don't judge so harshly here. Well. That's why they call it spelunking. And that's what the stalactites are. It's ancient sperm. Hot stone massage. Well, they say that cavemen, there are cave drawings of people masturbating. Really? And that they would draw... Actually, it's just like a handprint of semen. Do you think... Wait a second. Hang on for one second. I'm being serious now. Oh, no. Do you think that cavemen drew things on the wall so they would have something to jerk off to? I had a feeling you were going in there. I am wondering, when was the first example of pornography? And when did the visual representation of a naked body become a turn-on? Because, you know, was it... I don't know. I mean, did fucking Botticelli jerk off to his paintings? Did people jerk off to Renaissance paintings to nude women? Definitely. I mean, I don't know how many people I've talked to where their first masturbation was to National Geographic. But that's not a cartoon. No, but whatever it is. It's an interpretation. It's a physical interpretation, even though the women weren't sexualized in any way. They were just naked. They were just their human form. And cavemen, I doubt, were specifically covering up their nipples. I doubt that was an issue. But to make the jump from seeing a naked person in front of you into touching a naked person, for me, a lot of it is tactile. Like, I don't know. It's hard for me to even go to a strip club. I don't get aroused at a strip club. Unless, you know... Did you ever jerk off to National Geographic? No. I did. I did. I did. I did. The turtles. See, I was going to go for Jane Goodall. Not Jane Goodall. It's chimps. Yeah. That's interesting. Yeah, I mean, when is the first example of... Well, did you ever masturbate to a cartoon like Betty Rubble or Wilma? I will admit to Betty and Veronica Archie comics, yeah. Yeah, that used to get me in her records. Jessica Rabbit has been brought up on our show many times. Yeah, she was a hot one. in the Little Mermaid sometimes if you're in a, you know. That goes the pedophilia around there. But are there people who jerk off to cartoons? It's kind of, yeah. Hentai. Hentai porn, cartoon porn's a huge thing. What does hentai mean? That's a, it's Japanese porn. It's often includes tentacle porn. Tentacle porn. What's tentacle porn? I don't even know. Octopuses, sea monsters. You can't handle this, David. Yeah, there's a whole world out there. Wait, what, an octopus? Well, because in Japanese culture, like they're not even allowed to show genitals in their porn. And so to get around that, these artists were creating a little, then I'll fuck her with something else, like this sea tentacle. Which has led to a rise in jerking off the calamari. Or with it, it's perfectly shaped. Wait, an octopus has eight hands, right? Well, arm, tentacles, yeah. So you can have eight. Eight women. Imagine that. Or I could masturbate while rubbing both my nipples. I'd have eight tentacles to, I could be doing the balls, the shaft, the helmet, a thumb up my, you know what? But there used to be in the early days of the internet porn, like a margin Homer Simpson sex scenes. But that to me was parody. It's parody, but yeah. Someone was finishing to that. Someone was, yeah. I didn't go that far. Do you think there were five and a half billion people on this planet? More. Seven billion people. Yes. Every possible thing to be masturbated to masturbate to. Absolutely. Absolutely. Not only that, but someone's already gotten sick of that. Yeah. Yeah. They're looking for the next big thing. Do you think somebody's masturbating to this show? Because then they've been saying. Everything but this. In other words, the question is, can you masturbate to masturbation? Yes. Yeah, I'm sure, yeah. Because what I'm saying is this is masturbation. Yes, masturbation. They found a dolphin. I'm not making this up. David Linden. He's a professor of neuroscience. Is this an actual college? Johns Hopkins University? Johns Hopkins University. The ambulance is on the way. University? Johns. Johns. And that's a, what kind of name is Johns? Is that a legitimate? Is that like Trump University? Is that a real college? Is this a real question? No, he went to Johns Hopkins. Oh, okay. I was like, what is happening in here? He's giving me the business. What did you major in at Johns Hopkins? The brisness. The brisness. Brazil. What I major in political science. Okay. I was gonna have a joke answer for you, but. You must have been. Too many jokes in the show. I have a feeling you were like a serious student. Keeping journals. Yeah, you were like, yeah. So, Professor Linden, Professor of Neuroscience, said that the most creative form of animal masturbation is that of the male bottlenose dolphin which has been observed to wrap a live wriggling, wiggling eel around its penis. Wow. That's taking it to the next level there. No, an electric eel is taking it to the next. Can you imagine that a dolphin would put how good that would feel an eel around? Yeah, you should see the movie American Porpoise. I don't know, we're fucking pies. You think that's any, what, we're less creative than these dolphins? Yeah. But it's interesting that it's not. We had to cook first. We had to leaven fucking bread. He just found an eel. He's just like, there's no dolphin around. I'll just fuck this eel. That doesn't sound that creative. He's raping an eel. Now, if he were really smart, he would take the eel, wrap it around his neck and restrict the flow of oxygen to his brain. Get it to zap his nipples. That's how I would use it. If I were a dolphin, that's what I would be doing. I'd be... Well, maybe that's why we should be leaving those plastic rings in the ocean from soda cans. So animals can have something to asphyxiate themselves to. Bears will look at other animals, not bears, but a bear will see other animals fornicating and begin to touch themselves. This is, how this can't possibly be actual scientific data. This is science. You wrote this up today. No, bears are the voyeurs of the jungle. But they're not voyeurs. They're masturbating to other species. That's what a voyeur is. That's what a voyeur does. No, a voyeur watches. What do you think he's watching? Can masturbates. But no, but interspecies, I've never... He's an interspecies voyeur. Have you ever... It's like going to the zoo to jerk off. Have you ever gone to the zoo to jerk off, really? Yes. At other species? Yeah. Have you seen a rhinoceros stick? The horn alone. You can judge it by the horn. Would you masturbate in public? You would go to the zoo and masturbate in public. How public are we talking because... I mean, the rhinoceros isn't gonna tell. There's a hotel bathroom, the public. There's a stairwell, the public. I mean, are strip clubs public? It's a human zoo for masturbation. I have friends that go to strip clubs and sweatpants just so they can... Like that, I just... So they can wear their jizz pants back into the car. Jizz pants back into the car. Waddle back to the car. That's right. Jizz pants. We can make a fortune selling a fresh pair of pants outside. Strip gloves? Yeah. Do they sell underwear at strip clubs? Because isn't that what it's all about? Kind of brilliant. It's you're nutting yourself, right? Here's a fresh pair of underwear you could charge. You're taking the most marketable thing ever, which is naked women. You're like, I'll tell you what sells. New underwear. I wanna make some money. It's not the business. Do you bring a fresh pair of underwear to a strip club? No, you just wear your jizz-stained pants back at the office. And your wife can come, you come home and go, honey, what have you been all night? Underwear shopping. You come home. Like I remember I went to a strip club with my second wife, my second wife I was married and guys took me out to a strip club. Scott, you took me to a strip club and I come home and my wife says, why is there jizz all? I say, oh, I went to a strip club and Scott busted his nut in my shorts. That is such a butchered version of the joke. I know, what's the joke? The joke is a guy, where does the guy come from? Well, it's not sexual, you sexualized it. It's the guy at the bar, he comes back drunk with his new shirt or something, he's like, oh. Addiction dollar bill, it's a buyout because that guy shit in my pants. Right, the joke is shit in my pants. He also shit in my pants. He also shit in my pants. I know, but you let David Feldman tell the joke all of a sudden, he also fucked a child and his mom. Diogenes, the Greek cynic, the philosopher, was arrested for masturbating in public. And it still haunts him to this day. And it was considered scandalous. So this goes back to, remember I was saying earlier that it was okay to have sex with boys, according to Plato's. But masturbation was awful in there. Masturbation in public was considered scandalous. Yeah, because who needs to masturbate when you got all these kids to fuck? I mean, you sick? You'd rather touch yourself than fuck one of these boys? It is, yeah, boys for the taking. But I mean, well, if Diogenes is still hearing about this all this time later, just you gotta feel sorry for Paul Rubens. He's never gonna live this down. You think he's Jewish? Paul Rubens, I mean, did you know he was Jewish? Did you know about the painter Paul Rubens, or you're talking about the Pee-wee? Pee-wee, I mean, Paul Rubens sounds like a Jewish name. Pee-wee Herman. I had no idea that he was Jewish. I just, I never thought about it. Jews always are obsessed with other people being Jewish. Yeah, and we lay claim to somebody if they're very successful. Yeah. So your example is Paul Rubens. Or in like, in 1935, the Jews in America were going, you know, Hitler, 150th Jewish, there's some, he's the chancellor of Germany, he's a Jew, 150th, we'll take him. Was he only 150th? Something like that. Oh, I thought he was like, wait. I thought he was a quarter. Yeah, I thought he was a quarter also. That's always what I heard growing up, a quarter or something. I think we're getting the shut down sound. Are we getting the wrap up? But I just will say, F. Maria Abraham, not a Jew. I always say, I go, F. Maria Abraham, F. F. Maria. F. Scott Fitzgerald. That's somebody's joke that has to do with it. Really? Maybe not. Let's do it. Write it down, Feldman. Tabriz, how long has the show been? Okay, I'm sorry, Micah. I have to piss so bad. I gotta eat so bad. Hang on for one second. Tabriz, I believe this, Tabriz Medical University. Showbriz Medical University. Showbriz Medical University. Tabriz Medical University says, and I believe this, that masturbation reduces swollen sinuses that improves breathing. Really? Maybe I should do it more, more often. What do you call a hooker with a runny nose? No, that's an old joke. I do, you know, it's all like acupuncture and I think that's true. That's more like Jackie Puncture. I'm not sure. How badly do you have to pee? I'm dying. I thought the show was gonna end before I got here. All right, well, you know what, go. And what was I brought here for? Am I doing another show after this? Well, why don't I, you wanna take a break? Or you wanna go home? I wanna go, guys, let me out of here. Go home, go home. I'm so good, I'll talk to Scott. No, wrap it up. I wanna be out of here too. No, I'm not. No, I'm not. All right, hang on. Are you just lonely, David? Yes, yes. All right, let me just, all right, hang on. But he is like my father, I have to feel. Bruce Bagemill wrote a book in 19. No, no, no, wrap it up. This is not a wrap it up. Tell him, tell him where to find my podcast. Wait a second. You don't wanna know about Warthogs? At Micah Fox, M-Y-K-A, F-O-X, you can find me on Twitter. I'm talking about Warthogs. Warthogs use vibrators. Warthogs use vibrators. Did you know that? Next week on the Beastie Alley Hour with David Feldman. I was so excited that Micah was coming and I did all this research. He wanted to impress you with animal masturbation. Let me just make sure. Okay, we'll wrap it up. Let me just make sure. This is why you're not getting laid, David. This doesn't impress women. Let me, I know. Let me just make sure I have. I have a UTI by now. This is... Walruses use their flippers. No, what? Just wrap it up. Vampire bats use their feet. I didn't even know bats had feet. This starts with children's book. This actually feels like a psychological test where it's like, how long will they stay in the room if he just never ends the podcast? This is all I've got. Do you understand this is all I've got? But how, this is it. If I don't do this. Loose leaf paper with a vampire bat, sex facts. This is bizarre. David, this is a new low, man. I'm gonna wrap it up. We're burning this down. All right, stop. This is all I've got. The tape hasn't been running, right? This is a... Micah, did you have a good time? Yes. It was fun, right? One more answer. I thought this was great. I think this was a very fun episode. Yes, yes. And so I'll have you back. I think, are these the noise canceling headphones? How do I... It's Feldman canceling. So let's plug some gigs. Running late is, where are you doing your next show? At Union Hall? Union Hall, April 2nd. April 2nd. And 8 p.m. We don't have guests, so... You almost had Todd Barry. Almost had Todd Barry, but... He's getting back from Atlanta that night, so he doesn't wanna come out and give him a night off. It makes sense. What about... Liz Plank. Liz Plank. Liz Plank is booked. And what about Micah? And what about Micah? Yeah, I'd love to do it. You wanna go around? April 2nd? She should do stand-up. She's really funny. Great. And... You're in. And your videos, how do people find your videos? They can find them. Go to davidfelmanshow.com Slash. No, seriously. Pornhub.com. You can find my videos there. RunningLateShow.com. I mean, David, just imagine the Running Late Show. What if we take... Can you really upload porn to Pornhub? Absolutely. Can we add my... Can somebody... I'm asking... That would be funny. Let's just do it. I'm gonna wrap it up, but I know there are people out there and nickname? I know you can do this. Nickname? By the way, I had Sam Cedar on and he loves nickname too. Somebody take this podcast. I'm begging you. Take this podcast. Take some porn. Put this underneath some... Some family-friendly porn and post it to Pornhub. Honestly, you just record. You just put a photo of Micah as the thumbnail and people will masturbate to it. That's so sweet. Yeah. Wow. I didn't know... You guys are such romantic. Yeah. We had Michael Komen. I was working on a show with him, but had Jack... Are you gonna give his credits? Jack McBrayer on it. And Michael Komen had this... More like Jack McBrayer. The idea was that Jack McBrayer would ask for permission to masturbate to a woman. But he would walk up there and say... That's hilarious. I'm gonna go home and masturbate and I was just wondering if I could have your daughter's image in my mind before I go home. I'd like... I'd like my hand... I'd ask for your daughter's hand and... I'm asking for my hand to think of your daughter's... That's gonna be my hand and your daughter's... Michael Komen. That is hysterical. Michael Komen. Genius. Fox. Also a genius. Thank you. This week in Jacken, which is... This does well, this podcast, right? Yeah. You guys tour with it at all? We haven't toured yet. We've done... We did a live show that was very fun. You can find... It was a two-part episode, if you wanna download it, where we had... It was the night of 100 Jacks. It was our 100th episode. Wow. And we had 100 people on to talk about what they masturbate to. Was there someone live jacking off in the corner? There was always somebody live jacking off in the corner. Live painting. They have a live masturbator. You can... Also, and I do recommend this podcast, Shaman, with your co-host, Karen Feehan. You nailed it. That's what my great-grandfather was told when he killed Jesus. Oh. I'm just gonna let that one sink. Let's just swim in that... Well, maybe that's funny, because it means I'm old, if it's my great-grandfather. There is nothing you could do to resurrect that joke. You know what? I have a show coming back in three days. I'm gonna do that joke again in three days, because it's Easter. Yeah. All right. And you should all listen to Shaman. That is a great... In all seriousness, you should do a TV show of that. Great. Are you gonna finance that? Yes. Great. We'll talk... I only have a... I have a billion five, depending on how the stock market is doing. Right. How much would you need? All of that. A billion five? Yes. Would you... Are you a gold digger? I'll take $50. Are you a gold digger? Yes, I'm a gold digger. Really? Don't come. Don't come yet. You need to give me the money first. Kathleen Madigan's Netflix special is Bothering Jesus. Well, it's not Bothering Jesus. I'm sure he likes it. That's the name of it. It's called Bothering Jesus. You should go see Kathleen Madigan. On March 17th, she's in Riverside, California, at the Fox Performing Arts Theater. On March 18th, she's in Thousand Oaks, California, at the Fred Cavley Theater. On March 23rd, she's at Hermosa Beach at the Comedy and Magic Club. On March 24th, she's at Hermosa Beach at the Comedy and Magic Club. She's there on the 25th. And on April 6th, she's at the Bloomington Center for the Performing Arts in Bloomington, Illinois. Go see Kathleen Madigan. If you enjoy today's show, share the knowledge, copy and paste the link to this episode, and tell your friends about it. I know this was an especially long show. I promise not to waste your time. I will not waste your time. This was a long show, but I ask myself, is it informative? Is it funny? And I keep it in. I found today's show informative and funny. I don't think I wasted your time. And I promise not to waste your time. From the show, to the studios in downtown Manhattan, that'll do it for us.