 We are quickly approaching the 20 year mark on the Pirates of the Caribbean franchise. The first one came out in 2003. How does that make you feel? I remember fondly when those films came out and how much hype and excitement was around each and every one of them. Well, the first three, then nobody seemed to care after that. Believe it or not though, Teenage Adam wasn't a ride or die Jack Sparrow fan. I saw the movie, thought it was good, nothing too great by any means. And I don't even know if I saw the second two until much later in life. Which brings me to my listing today of the five Pirates of the Caribbean films, two of which I saw for the first time just a couple days ago. After watching all five though within the last couple of weeks, I'm very confident with this list. I dare say it's definitive. So what I'm gonna do for you today at no additional charge is give you my ranking of all five of these films from worst to best and encourage you to do the same in the comments. Let's begin. Let it be known, mateys. This is the only Pirates film that I truly just don't like. You have a couple things working in its favor right out of the gates, Jack Sparrow's back. You got half naked chicks pretending to be mermaids, Barbosa's in the mix. What could go wrong? Not a whole lot. Except for everything. They got rid of the director from the previous three. They got rid of the writer. Most of the crew has changed. I mean, you don't have the same characters from the previous entries outside of like one or two of Jack's right hand crewmates. And everything about this movie feels off. I had no idea who directed the fourth film. I later would look it up because I said to myself and to my nine-year-old son who was watching with me and loving these films, this looks different. This feels different. Why is it so much more colorful? Why does it have that Disney stank on it now? Well, that's because we have a new director at the helm, Rob Marshall, who took over for Gore Verbinski in the previous outings. And it's bad. I can't think of a single thing that's better in this. The color grading is so much worse. Everything's just poppy and punchy looking. You don't have that Jerry Bruckheimer-produced feel anymore. If this movie was made today, it would be a Disney Plus exclusive. That's how bad it is. The villain sucks too, Blackbeard. Where the hell was he in the previous films? How did he go under the radar? How did he go under the sonar for that matter? We just saw in the last film that all the prominent players in the pirate community had to come together. The pirate lords, or I already forgot what they're called. I think they're lords. And then there's a pirate king for some reason. He wasn't part of that. He's not a pirate lord. When he can control his ship with the power of a sword and have it like string people up and do all sorts of crazy stuff, come on. The only saving grace and the only reason to watch this movie is for the mermaid section, which gets wildly out of control fast. These chicks are OP is all hell. They can take down an entire pirate ship and the amount of time it takes you to finish a coffee from Starbucks. Their Spider-Man ability was a bit much though. They can for some reason shoot like seaweed out of their wrists. They're like mermaid scorpions at one point. Get over here. Sorry, I'm playing Mortal Kombat 11 still. I like it. I mean scorpion because I'm a basic bitch. This came out in 2011. I can see why they waited another six years before making another one. They should have just stopped though why they were behind. At the number four spot is Dead Men Tell No Tales. It's also called Salazar's Revenge in a lot of different countries. I kind of like the Dead Men Tell No Tales better because they say it in the film and I always like when they say the title of the movie in the movie. It's so good. So good. What we have here is a clear attempt at a soft reboot and I think it kind of works. It's still missing some of the flavor. We have another director in the mix again, not the original, not the one from the last film, a new guy or actually two people and I can't pronounce their name so I'm not even gonna try. You can look it up on IMDB if you wanna know that information. It's a long run-on sentence out of breath. This time the protagonist is Henry Turner. Turner, that sounds familiar. It's because it should. He's William's son and Elizabeth Swans from the first three films. I knew nothing about this movie. Didn't see a single trailer when it hit in 2017. Hadn't seen one since. Nobody really talked about it even. That's because it kind of flopped at the box office. Probably because number four sucks so bad and people are just kind of over it. Which is a shame because I did like this movie and it felt like a good close to the entire thing even though there's that kind of twist ending to jumpstart another trilogy that clearly won't happen. I was also incredibly surprised to see Orlando Bloom right when the film started. I didn't think that he or Kira Knightley were coming back for this and even though they have tiny little spots, they're good heartfelt emotional spots and it was great to see these characters again. I was warned by some people in the YouTube community that I would not like this movie to tread lightly. It does a lot of stupid things. They're not entirely wrong but I also didn't entirely care. The big criticism and a just one is that we have a backstory, a flashback that shows Jack Sparrow, little Jackie Sparrow when he's just a wee little pup on his first pirate ship adventure and we find out how the tide turns and how he becomes the Jack Sparrow up today, the little sparrow that could. Yeah, we find out how he gets his outfit and all his little trinkets. We find out how he gets his nickname, how he gets his ship. Like everything falls within this one flashback sequence which is pretty stupid. It's got the de-aging effect going on. It's very surreal looking. Well, not de-aging. I guess it's the face manipulation CG shit where they take the actor's face and plop it onto that of a 15 or 16 year old. The Captain America effect, I believe. Kind of, I think. I don't know, Hollywood magic. So yeah, it goes full solo and you never wanna go full solo in one of these movies. I don't need to know how he got his blaster and how he got his last name. Thankfully, that's like a five to 10 minute spot in this thing. Runs quick, there's plenty of creative stuff going on. The villain is awesome again. We have Javier Bardem in this. He's like weirdly CG'd and he's half a face, floating around all weird, like he's constantly under water. His whole crew's like this because they're once again an undead cursed ship lost in the, I don't, I can't really call it not the Bermuda Triangle but that's essentially what it is. It's like the Death Triangle or something to that nature. And it's perfectly explained away why they're not in the other films because they're stuck in this one centralized location in the Triangle and whatever ships go in aren't coming out. We have one or two spillovers from the Little Mermaid film that was out previously but you honestly could skip that one and just do pirates one, two, three and five. And I think that's a nice Sunday afternoon. Crap, I forgot about the ship in a bottle. That was from part four as well where they took the black pearl and miniaturized it and it's in a bottle. They have to make it large again. So that is something else. I guess you have to watch them all if you wanna watch them all. Otherwise you're probably safe just doing the first three. But again, I thought this was fine. I liked it, okay? Hate me if you want. I liked it. At the number three spot we have at world's end, the final chapter in the original trilogy of films. It's epic, swashbuckling adventure that is so completely insane. The plot is just nuts. I couldn't even recant it if I wanted to. I couldn't retell it properly. Essentially a bunch of pirate lords have to get together because a song was sung and they have to hand in their kind of bartering ships that they made this magical promise on. And then they come together to free Calypso who was the lover of Davy Jones who as we know, tore his own heart out to put it into a safe, secure location, hides the key on his person. And I mean, it's just, it's bonkers. Like what is happening in the pirate's community? You know, who came up with this shit? Because it's so fast paced and hectic and there's such beautiful imagery going on. The story being completely insane is just part of the charm at this point. Transformers do that too, but those movies just suck outside of the first one. They're just not, they're not well done all around. Whereas the pirates movies are just, they fully embrace the silliness and the chaos that it just kind of goes hand in hand with this story. I really don't know what the community was like when they watched this with the ending and how, you know, William Turner had to leave and become part of the ship. Got the name of it. I just watched all these. It's kind of a stupid name. I'm gonna sit here and ponder it without stopping the camera. Oh God, it's two words. What is it called? I don't wanna cheat. I had to cheat. It's called the Flying Dutchman. Technically three words. Unless you don't come to the Flying Dutchman, but you gotta come to the. So I'm just wrong all around. Flying Dutchman, that's what Will has to take over. Fairy souls from this world to the next, for the next ever. Every 10 years it gets to go on shore to see his beautiful Elizabeth Swan. And if I had Kara Knightley, I think it might be worth it. I think it might be worth it. Cause she's just gorgeous in these films. I mean, so is he. Orlando Bloom just, what a beauty. I mean, Katy Perry, what a lucky woman. She's got Will Turner at her disposal. She's got freaking Legolas. Forget about it. I like this movie though. We get lots of sword fighting, ship combat, pretty much everything you want. One thing that was kind of bullshit was we build up this big ship battle at the end of the film where you have all the different pirates going up against the British. But instead, Calypso turns gigantic and then starts crying tears and makes a giant whirlpool where Davy Jones and the Black Pearl crew fight. And that's it. Everybody else just watches for the most part. So that was a little lame. Little lame. Final, fantastic trilogy. Really dug it. Number two spot I have the original, the Chris of the Black Pearl. That's right. It's not number one on my list. It's number two. What a wild ride Ron. It is an actual ride. So that works based on a ride. I really liked this film a lot more than Teenager Adam did. I don't know what it is. I was just more cynical back then. I had the angst. I didn't want to join the community when it came to popular releases. That's probably entirely what it was. But now that I'm older and films seem to be worse than they were, I look back on this very fondly and honestly cannot believe how good it holds up. What a beautiful movie. CGI, yeah, there's some rough edges for sure. But again, wisely filmed at night. I've said it before. These films were the infancy of CG and really using the 3D modeling. They know that they're not up to snuff and that they're not gonna last the test of time. This has one of the more straightforward stories before things go completely bonkers. Barbosa's the main villain here. He and his crew of the Black Pearl have to get all their coins put back in the dead man's chest. They stole from the wrong God and they had been punished with a lifetime curse of being undead. They can't enjoy the sweet taste of pizza rolls on their tongue or the gentle breeze of an autumn day. Two things that I guess I really like. I think they had pizza rolls back then. We are introduced to that lovable alcoholic Jack Sparrow played by Johnny Depp. I mean, every audience has fell in love with them. What can they say? And so did Amber Heard. Everything worked out for the best in all of it. Oh, really? Oh, I didn't know. I'm being told by an off-camera fictitious crewmate that that's not true. Things haven't turned out well in that department. But we're gonna move on because we're talking movies. This one's just a little bit lower on the list for me because I think Will Turner and Elizabeth Swan as likable as they are here, they haven't quite fit into their own yet. They haven't come into their own, I guess is the proper terminology. We haven't seen Will Turner turn Sly Fox yet. He hasn't picked up on any of the tricks from old Jack. He's still a very goody two-shoes, almost one-dimensional hero. And Elizabeth Swan, she's a strong female lead, of course, of course she is. But she's not picking up a sword yet like she does in the later ones. She becomes a badass. She becomes a pirate king for Christ's sakes. I mean, that's something to put on the resume. Number one on this list is, of course, Dead Man's Chest. I think I led up to this brilliantly. Davy Jones is a beast in this film. Him and his crewmates look phenomenal to date. Nothing's changed, nothing's aged at all. They look perfect. The cinematography is fantastic. It's gone up three notches. I failed to mention in the previous film the amazing sequence where Jack is in Davy Jones' locker. That shit is gold. That stuff looks so beautiful when the crabs bring the ship ashore. Good stuff. Sorry to derail. They're kind of one and the same, though. I consider two and three both part of the same meal. This film has an awesome first act, though, where the black pearls washed ashore. Captain Jack Sparrow and his crew have been held captive by some natives on the island. They think he's a king or a god, I guess, would be more apt. And they're going to eat him because they're cannibals, which is disgusting. And there's some gross imagery there, not entirely the most family-friendly, but if you can stomach a little bit of thumbs hanging off a necklace, you'll be fine. The hilarity ensues, though, when the team's trying to get from one side of the mountain to the other without taking the bridge. Jack is flipping all over the place on wood. It's very loony tunes. It somehow works really well in this series. Things get a lot more serious when we find out Will's dad is still alive. Kind of. He's an indentured servant on that ship that I looked up earlier, and I already forgot the name of again. The something, something. Something, something. Lady, is Lady in there? I looked it up again. It's the Flying Dutchman. I was way off. There's a bunch of fish people on this ship. We learn of their curse and how they have to deal with the whole soul collection thing. It's a disaster. But it's one that can potentially be fixed if Will can find a way to get to Davey Jones' heart and stab the beast. We do find out though that it comes at a price and that's your soul as someone always has to be captain of the Flying Dutchman. And this leads to a whole will he won't he sort of a situation where Will has to choose between his father and the one that he loves. Captain Jack Sparrow has to choose between being a dick or being like a semi lesser of a dick. Either way, he's doing the wrong thing, but he's doing it the right way. His way. I feel like there's one other thing about this movie that I haven't mentioned. Oh yeah, the Kraken. Awesome. I will say out of all the effects, the Kraken, there's a few shots, especially when Jack is about to be engulfed by it that look a little rough, look a little aged, but otherwise a gorgeous film, a fantastic trilogy, and this is I think the definitive order. All right, mateys. Give me your ranking below. Like the video if you had some fun. Make sure to subscribe if you haven't already and I'll see you next time. No, it's really ugly. 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