 Johnny, I'm really excited about today's Toolbox episode because it's about a concept that I think is foreign to a lot of our listeners and I know I heard about it for the first time years ago in a book by Malcolm Gladwell called Blink and I know you had this realization a number of years ago. It's a concept we've worked into the program and our students have been receiving a lot of success utilizing this concept of emotional bids. But I want to first start with the study that kind of got us fascinated about it in the first place. And this is a study done by Dr. John Gottman where basically after watching a couple interact for three minutes he can predict with up to 94% accuracy whether that couple will be broken up, unhappy or happily together several years later. Well listen, I mean with those numbers this would be something that you would want to pay attention to. I mean I originally had read about this in Blink as well and this was the exact study that they had brought up in Blink because it was thin slicing, right? So when I read it what was apparent to me was not only if it's if you're not able to pick up the emotional bids would it breed a relationship that slowly starts dissolving. It also breeds contempt for the other person because you feel that you're being ignored so there's a lot of communication in not picking up the communication. And we've all been there where the person we're in a relationship with tells us you're not listening to me and you sit there and think, but wait a second, I am listening I am engaged I don't understand how they feel that I'm not listening to them. To go along with that is and we're going to speak a lot about relationships in this episode and we're talking about couples because it's I think it was a logic and emotional component that we all can laugh about of the woman and the man not being able to communicate with each other because they're on different planes, which is always pretty funny and we're going to have some fun with that. However, but this is also in relationships of building relationships of friends professionally, platonically, because of the communication that goes on between two people who are in sync with each other on being able to pick these things up. And I love Dr. Gottman's research on longevity of relationships. That's where this whole concept sprung from. And we're going to dig into this newlywed study that is fascinating. But we take a step back and go, OK, so if emotional bids and their recognition and sharing in them creates longevity and connection in relationships and does not foster resentment, then these emotional bids are also very important at the start of the relationship at the start of that connection. And it makes sense logically if we think about all the times where we had a connection with someone, we felt that connection, that chemistry, that moment, it is the connection that's being built through the emotional context of the conversation that's actually creating that connection. So emotional bids are that opportunity for us to connect. And we each offer them up to people nonverbally and verbally in different ways. Your ability to pick up on them and then respond to them is going to have a huge impact on the start of your relationships and your ability to stay in sync in relationships. And also to go along with that, you already deliver emotional bids. And if you're not conscious of them, you're not going to be able to see them in other people. So once we're able to identify what they look like, understand when we're doing them, then it's going to make us better at picking them up. And it also leads to us overdoing it and becoming needy, right? So if we are fishing for this emotional attention, except it's an approval from other people, we can be needy. So the understanding of emotional bids and your recognition and others and then realizing when we're throwing too many of them out there, where we're being too needy can have a huge impact on your success and relationships. Now, I want to dig into this newlywed study because this is fascinating. Well, it's it's going to be a great building block for everything that we do today. So go ahead and lay it out for everyone. And in 1999, Dr. Gottman designed a lab at the University of Washington that looked like a bed and breakfast. And he invited over 130 newlywed couples to spend the day in his retreat where he would observe how they would interact with each other. He discovered that throughout the day, partners would frequently make requests for emotional connection with each other. And he called these emotional bids after six years. He followed up with these couples and discover that there is a big difference between how couples behave that stayed married and those that were no longer together. Married couples responded positively to emotional bids. 86 percent of the time. And those that did not respond positively to emotional bids, 33 percent of the time or less ended up in divorce. So he surmised that the secret to fulfilling relationships is responding well to your partner's emotional bids. It actually is the fuel for longevity of those relationships. You know what I, you know, hearing you read this study back to me, it also brings me back to an interview we did with Michael Ventura how to build this space where two people are able to feel comfortable and vulnerable enough so they can speak truly to who they are. You know, Michael had went to go back to the episode. He had went to build a replica of the mammogram facilities so that people could be to come to those and then speak of their experiences about being there. And when we talk about vulnerability, everyone gets bent out of shape about this, like, oh, my God, it's so scary. I have to be naked. I have to throw all of my faults and warts out there. Actually, the simplest way to be vulnerable is this emotional bid. So enough talking about emotional bids. Let's just define what the hell they are, because I'm sure a few of our listeners, if not more, are wondering what is this magical emotional bid that we speak of? Dr. Gottman defines an emotional bid as any attempt from one partner to another for attention, affirmation, affection, or really any kind of positive connection. Now, obviously, in the boot camp, we teach value as acceptance, appreciation and attention. So that is in line with these emotional bids when we can give people those things in the right moment, they feel valued. Well, yeah, and it also gives everyone a sense of power in building the relationships because you have something that the other wants and, you know, there is a lot of people that I speak with and I get questions from because they're always asking what power they have or what is the value that they have? Well, when we look at this and this is why this is so important is because attention, approval, acceptance is the one thing. We all have it. We all have unlimited supply of it and we're able to give it out all day long. And other people, not only do they want it, they need it in order to feel good. So we all want it. We all want those three things. And the emotional bid is really the attempt to get that from the other person. It's you, whether it's nonverbally or verbally saying, hey, give me some attention here, give me some acceptance, give me some appreciation. That's all I'm asking for. And we do it in a variety of ways. Some of them subtle, some of them overt, right? We were joking about this earlier, you know, in LA, there are some overt ways that people try to get that emotional bid, name dropping, talking about the projects they worked on. These are all ways that we're trying to get the other person's attention. We're trying to get the other person's approval and acceptance. So your ability to recognize these emotional bids obviously creates longevity in your relationship. So those of you listening who are in relationships, we're going to ask you throughout the show to think about these moments that your partner is offering up their emotional bids. Are you responding to them or are you on your phone? Are you turning away from them? You know, it's funny. We've gotten into a place in society where I know for myself in order to get engagement and vulnerability or want to discuss some of these things. Rather than going for the emotional bid that's that is subtle, it's completely overt. Hey, can we talk about this? Hey, I had read this. I'd like to discuss this. That's to the point of where we we have we've gotten to. And that is putting yourself so far out there. We're going to get into this a bit later. But as you mentioned, it's subtle. We shouldn't have to go to that point if we have great relationships. If you do find yourself having to reach that point, that's the problem. Yeah, I mean, just hearing that, I could think about all those moments in my relationships where I've heard that from the other person and thought, wait a second, I am giving you attention. I am listening. What's going on here? So when we have to get that over, obviously, we've ignored a lot of the subtle emotional bids along the way. Yes. So when your partner is saying, hey, we got to talk about this or, hey, can you listen to me? Hey, can you put your phone down? Right. We've missed a number of emotional bids along the way to lead to that point. You know, as I mentioned, we've gotten to a point in society where I just do that naturally now. But I also do it out of a necessity to save time. I don't want to know if you could catch this. I'm just going for it here. I need to have this discussion right now. Can we can we have it so I can go to Starbucks to get my coffee and get the hell out of here? And we've talked to a number of people on the show who are in successful relationships about how they've created that space with their partner and they all identify creating time each and every week to check in so that they are present for these emotional bid moments. It is so easy with technology in our own lives and our own self-centeredness to get focused inward on our needs once and not pay attention to our partners. And these emotional bids are the gateway to giving that partner what they need. You know, I had read once it was some article about parenting and it was, you know, everybody wants to understand what their child is doing and what they're into and what they have going on in school. And certainly even when the teenage years that might be a little bit more difficult, right, because the child feels all what's dad know. He's all foggy. He's just got dad jokes. He's just going off. However, by putting yourself in a situation where there is nothing to do but spend time together, that teenager will slowly start opening up and discuss. And we're living in this world where everything is so rushed that people don't have time to just be together and hang out and allow these things to come out naturally. But I think you can speed up the process of you're able to catch these emotional bids so that you're just you're not wasting a lot of time trying to fill out the other person and waiting for them to finally drop their phone and guard to finally open up. And overt ones verbally are pretty easy to spot. But there are the subtle ones verbally that we're going to dig into a little bit here, as well as the subtle nonverbal ones that are happening with that turning towards making prolonged eye contact, overtly smiling at someone where we're asking for that emotional connection. And so many of us are focused on our own words, our own thoughts or those moments to kind of jump in the conversation and add something that the subtleties just fly right over our head. And I know in video work in the boot camp, we actually have to pause the tape to point out the emotional bids because they can be that subtle in real time. And most of us are completely unaccustomed to looking for these things. So in those moments when we're a little nervous, we're feeling some anxiety and we don't know what to say, the last thing we're doing is going, OK, what are the nonverbal cues that this person is giving me to connect? Well, yeah, but if you're nervous, if there's any sort of tension or pressure, you're focused inward, you're trying to get yourself to feel better. So you're not able to focus on what the other person is saying. But as we know in video work and as we know throughout the program, the more comfortable the other person gets in a position of being uncomfortable, the more they're focused on, they're able to focus on the other person. And listen, I know we started the show with the newlywed study and Dr. Gottman's research on couples and their longevity. But this is friendships, this is networking. This runs through every relationship you have. As Johnny said earlier, every single one of us as a human wants to be accepted, approved and appreciated. And if everyone wants that, then every relationship has some component of that. So we're not just talking about romance here. I know it's easy to get off course and think, oh, OK, that's great, guys. But I just want friends, I want a network better. These are concepts that are important in every single relationship in your life. Yep. They nurture and provide the other person the space to feel more comfortable around you and to truly feel connected to you. Well, I know that all of my deeper relationships that I have even here in shallow Los Angeles, it is there is a conversation of just how the day was. What did you do? What was that like for you going through it and allowing the other person to speak in this manner? Should we get into some of these so that we can show what they look like and get into it from there? Yeah, because emotional bids usually have an underlying context to them, right? It's not necessarily the words that we're so focused on because they can be logical, but often the context underlying those words are the subtleties of what we're talking about. So let's look at some simple ones, right? Look, a purple parakeet that is someone asking you, hey, come check this out with me. Hey, come give me your attention so we can respond to this thing that I'm so excited to share. I talked to my boss today. How many of us have heard that from a friend or from a spouse or a partner? Yeah, that's saying, will you chat with me? Right. Will you engage and allow me to share this story about what my boss said? Maybe it was a positive feedback, maybe it was some negative feedback. But the simple phrase of, hey, I talked to my boss today. How many of us have been like, cool, back to surfing, right? Oh, I'm on Instagram. Oh, I hope that went well. Right. We don't even realize that this is a opportunity for us to be more engaged, not less engaged. Well, the the other one here is how's it going? And that's I want to have a dialogue between two people. And as you mentioned, these are some things that will possibly not pick up. This is the other person putting themselves in a vulnerable situation. So when you say something like, cool, and get and go back to surf on Facebook, you what did you just communicate to the other person who just put themselves in a vulnerable situation? They're not worth it. So now that you've said that you're not worth it with nonverbal nonverbally, that person, how many times do you think that person is going to put themselves in that situation before not only do they shut down that they start building contempt? Well, Dr. Garvin says two out of 10 times two relationships. Yeah. Seven out of 10 times divorce, angry, discontent. So you have a window of opportunity obviously it's nearly impossible to catch every emotional bid because they are subtle. But if you miss too many, if you ignore too many of these opportunities and we've all been there. I mean, when I first discovered this, it was after a terrible break up and my ex-girlfriend was yelling at me saying I didn't listen to her. And I'm sitting there saying, I heard everything you said. I heard it all. I caught everything. But she wasn't just saying you weren't listening to me. No. It was the lack of response on an emotional level. You weren't communicating with me. And there were stages to it, right? There were stages of like, well, let me say something to get the emotional connection. And it went all the way to, well, let me say something to just get AJ angry, because at least angry is an emotional response. Absolutely. And it's very easy in a relationship, certainly a relationship that's where you've been together for a number of years to feel like I know my partner inside and out. I know every story. I know what they're going to share before they share it. We're already connected, AJ. I don't understand why I need to focus on emotional bids. And in that comfort that you're building, that idea of, oh, I completely understand my partner, you're actually missing these emotional bids and teetering in the direction that Dr. Gottman says leads to resentment. This is ongoing. This is not, oh, great. I caught the emotional bids at the start of the relationship. I'm good. This is something that entails active listening and being present. And how many relationships do you have right now where you feel a disconnect that the other person's not present? The other person doesn't care? Well, there's a couple of things that I wanted to bring up and we'll probably get into them even deeper as we go through this. As somebody who is working to get more communicative and put themselves out there more, everything that the other person does is going to leave a mark with the other person. So if you have social anxiety and you're slowly working to put yourself out there and how many times have we seen field night where somebody will work themselves up to go talk to somebody, but the person they're talking to is either on their phone or just gotten off their phone. And I'm sorry, though your phone might be now back in your pocket, your brain is still attached to what had just transpired. It's processing. It's processing. So we have to now leave that open. And I know that we rail against technology a lot here. And it's not to say that we are desert dwellers and Lydites who don't touch this stuff. I got an Apple watch on. I got my iPad here. I got my iPhone. I got my MacBook. I am hooked up. You're in the cloud. You can I'm connected. However, I know the detriment that it's doing to my own sanity. So I'm looking to do more and more detox and get away from these tools every day and focus more on writing and being more present. But also, you know, for the other person who's slowly trying to come out of their shelter, have to now not only put themselves in a vulnerable situation, now they got to they got to leave room that this person right that they've just opened up to may or may not be fully present yet because they had just put their phone in their pocket. And the beating that some people will take because the initial because let's face it, when you're putting yourself out and you're still focused on looking for signs that other people are not interested, which you're going to see, you're going to see a lot of those. You're going to see a lot of those. It just doesn't seem like the door is opening. So on top of everything else, there is a giant mind shift that you have to work on of building yourself up to allow for people's space and getting back to reality or being present. Now, for instance, and I was waiting to do this topic because I was going to throw you under the bus. I didn't know if you knew it was coming ready. Now, we work together and we're on different parts as you are more in CEO mode and I'm more in creative side of things. And and I know that a lot of times we'll we'll be in the office and I'll say something like, hey, AJ, I read I read this really cool article. Now, that's an emotional bid. Yeah, I want you to engage. Oh, really? What was the article about? Now, there is many times that we'll take. We'll go down that path and discuss these things. There's many times where you're like, cool, awesome. And you're like, oh, what was it? And I know that I'm about to go off, but you're not listening. You're in whatever. Now, I am well aware of our working relationship after close to 12 years. So I don't take any offense to it. And I know that I will wait because guess what that was? It was a tap on the shoulder. It was a check in. Do you have a moment or are you present? Can we have this conversation? If not, right? The check in, I know what the check in looks like when you're at this point. So I will save that for another time, maybe later when we're at dinner, when we are both present in their conversation. However, because I have done a lot of work on myself and I am secure in that and our working relationship, I don't take any offense to that. But if for someone who is getting practice and being vulnerable again or putting themselves out there or just working through social anxiety, this is a minefield that is trapped in all directions. Dr. Gottman argues it's a checkbook. You have to balance. Absolutely. But, you know, how different was the world that he had dug into an emotional bids in 1999 to what it looks like in 2018. And I sent you a fascinating article about what the future may look like. It is changing rapidly. We're going to delve a little bit more into emotional bids over technology because I think a lot of what we're doing on social media is that outward emotional bids look at me. Hey, you got to see how cool this is. What's going on in my life? So we can leverage technology on an emotional level to give people that value that they're looking for. But taking a step back from all of this, it's not about the words. Right. Are the subtleties here. And Dale Carnegie said, when dealing with other people, remember, you are not dealing with creatures of logic, but with creatures of emotion. And I want to add to that because when I when David put that quote up there, which I love, there's another piece that I have been working with and as as as I've been writing a lot of new stuff and blog wise for the company. And it is we get into this self important and self grandizing idea of our nature. And I think and I I'm going to speak for all humanity, men and women. But I obviously my attention towards men is going to be the stronger because I am. But we tend to like to think of ourselves as very logical, reasoning, rational human beings. And we're really not. And and we have to leave room open emotionally in order for all this to work. And as we get further and further down a technology road, it plays a role in, I guess, having us thinking that we are so logical when, in fact, it's all a mirage, at least from what I can tell. And let's think about that, right? When we are feeling strong, negative emotions, maybe depression or our self esteem is low. Our focus is so inward. It's impossible to discern these emotional bids that we just covered. It's impossible to look past the words themselves and find the emotional context. But listen, these emotional bids are all around you. And like a checkbook, if it gets too out of whack, if it's too in the red, people are going to write you off. So if you think about relationships that have dissolved, if you think about relationships you were going after and you didn't get the connection you were after, take a second and think about all of those moments that that other person was making that emotional connection, being a little vulnerable, putting that emotional bid out there. Well, let's think about the communication that went on in 1999. Right. So if I wanted to get together with you, I could just blurt out a text and wait for your response of an address to meet. And if I called you up to see what you were doing, to see if you wanted to meet and I just said, let's just say that conversation was how it would be on text. What's up, right? And you would say nothing. Hey, you want to meet? Cool. We're at blunt. That conversation on a phone call talking to each other would not transpire that way. It's so cool. It's but yeah, like what's a Chinese problem? Yeah, what is with that guy? But yet that that communication is is all day, every day. And today's an environment. So to to even hear, hey, look at that purple parakeet, right? Like that conversation is not that's not going to happen through text. No, it's emotional bids are happening in real life in person when people are trying to start a connection or stay connected. And a lot of times when relationships are falling out of whack and relationships are struggling, one or both partners are throwing out emotional bids that are being unresponded to you, but they're throwing out more because they want more of that connection. And that's what's so interesting for a lot of our students who are married and they come to the program looking just for networking, just to get better in business and they feel to have a solid relationship. They sit there on Tuesday and go and learn about this emotional bid concept and go, oh, now I understand why my spouse was begging me to go to Barry's boot camp, was begging me to go on a run. It wasn't just that they wanted me to lose weight or that they wanted me to eat better, right? They were looking for another opportunity for me to be present, for me to be connected. And well, let's face it, you know, it's something like a run or a hike. It forces you to be present. It forces you to get in contact with what is going on with your body in that moment. Yeah. And ideally, it's far away from cell phone signal, right? We're talking about go down a hike up a hill so that you don't sit there on your phone. You're going to end up tripping if you're staring at Instagram. So what's so intriguing to me is that we all can work on this, myself included. And I've been in numerous conversations with Amy and I wasn't surprised that Johnny said what he said, because it is so easy to be overwhelmed and your attention is being pulled in 17 different directions. And obviously you have your interests and the things that you care about. So that's all in the mix, too. And then you got work stress and what happens, right? You think about Amy's emotional bid less. You just you basically disengage with Johnny because I got to get this email done. And yeah, you know, we've been in business together and friends together for 12 years now. But that's still no reason to dismiss the emotional bids. And it gets to a point where you'll pull me aside and be like, Hey, man, you know, is everything OK with you? Yeah. Right. And in those moments, a lot of times it's, Hey, man, I've been trying to connect with you and I feel completely disconnected. And I'm not trying to sit here as if I'm the expert in in recognizing and responding to emotional bids. It's certainly something that I've been working on and I'm still working on because it's a skill set that logical, analytical scientist AJ was never really inspired enough to focus on. Well, a lot of times, you know, it it doesn't have a clear goal as like finishing reading this article or firing out this email. The the, you know, as the word of use, it's long tail, right? That goal is this slow building of the relationship, which doesn't have any immediate gratification to it. However, to not have your your significant other chewing you out on a daily base as well. Yeah. That's right. That would be amazing. But it still doesn't, you know, it's it's it's they're just they're just two completely separate things on the emotional and logical level. But equally as important and one emotion is slowly losing ground to technology. And I mean, obviously, why have we been preaching? Give value the last decade because everyone is in search of it. And we talk about giving out value just almost irresponsibly. Yes. Giving everyone that attention, that acceptance, that appreciation. But here's the thing. If you do that, you don't have to be an expert on emotional bids. No, you're going to hit them without even recognizing that you'll be primed to respond to them. Yes, because you'll be present. You'll be communicative with the other person. They'll get an opportunity to share their day and whatever emotions are on their chest. And all you really have to do is look at them, smile, give them a nod and be present. And you are making their world. And how's let's just talk about how special that is. In today's world, we're there. That's not something that you get easily. No, and not only is it not something that you get easily, but most of us are losing our ability to even recognize because our attention is being fought over from every angle imaginable. And as we sit here recording, you know, you're thinking about the notifications on your phone and what's going on in my inbox and oh, my slacks going to have 17 notifications. So it is so difficult to be present, even in the moments when we want to be fully present and having the wherewithal to respond to emotional bids is asking you to be present in moments where maybe you're not ready to even be present. You know, it's funny, you should say that I. So you and I are in the midst of training for this half marathon, which we are for some of you guys. I know that sounds like nothing, but for someone who's never done it before and you can imagine you remember what your first time was like. It's a lot of training and and, of course, I think we're probably overdoing it because we want to. We're very competitive and not only with each other, but just in ourselves. We won't listen for for me sitting across from you. Literally, I had lunch with the buddy of ours, James, last week. And he was is an avid runner. And he had heard through the grapevine about this half marathon jazz and he was like, AJ, didn't you tell me two years ago you hate running? And I'm like, yeah, I still kind of hate it. But while I got involved with berries and it forced me on a treadmill and I started to get moving and log in two and a half, three miles in a class, I started to realize, well, hey, if I can do that in an hour at berries, you know, how else can I push myself? Sure. Running. And then it just so happened to line up the stars with Johnny's birthday. It's a rock and roll half marathon. That's you know, Los Angeles doesn't have to be taken super seriously. But of course, how you do anything is how we do everything. So we plug in. We say that we're running a half marathon. All of our competitive friends join along. They're excited. And now it's like, all right, I laid it down. Let's see where these times fall. And then you start realizing, well, hey, I'm actually more capable than I thought. And that was the point that Jesse Itzler brought up to us. Sure. Challenging yourself in these ways. And we're big on challenging ourselves. So now that we kind of have some times in mind, right, we're like, well, let's get it moving. Let's let's beat these times. Well, it's and certainly it's in your day of that long. When you're when you're doing conditioning training, it's hard to you're just paying attention to your body. But when you're on a long run, you're able to allow thoughts to come through the stream of consciousness and dissect them and go into your mind and be present in hearing the communication in your mind. But my I was laughing because I had went out yesterday for my run and I came back and this is probably a low slack day. Your slack is probably worse than mine. But it was I got home to 63 slack messages in and in that hour that I was out on that run. And to go along with your saying, it's like, I got to come back to this. I was seven. It was an amazing thing to be to put on a different hat, to be in touch with thought processes and be present and to go through this and then to throw that out the window to a jump on slack and start answering all these logical questions. And think about that on the flip side, right, where all of a sudden you're in it, you're in slack, you're handling all those notifications. You're trying to answer everyone's emails and then the person you love and care about is like, hey, I need some emotional connection right now. Right. Switching gears can be difficult. That's what we're talking about. So understanding as Dr. Gottman says, we got to get this right 80 percent of the time. We talk a lot about 80 20. If we're in that 80 percent of the time, we're catching these emotional bids. We're responding with that attention, that acceptance, that appreciation. We're killing it. That is an amazing percentage, considering that when we do video work the in 90 seconds, the guys will pick out zero. And I say you find one emotional bid in that first 90 seconds and you respond to it. You've just gasped the car. Yes. This conversation is going. This person is excited to be more vulnerable. And all of a sudden you're going to fall into that not small talk that everyone dreads, but that medium to large talk where everyone is now sharing their emotional side, not just their logical side. Well, and to go along with that, one of the things that we've continued saying on the show was everyone gets so wrapped up and having to grand slam this first impression or say the witty liner or get everybody laughing. But if you're present and you're able to catch emotional bids, you are allowing everything to build so that your personality does come through. And it's not that we're completely removed from this, that we wouldn't know what they sounded like if we heard it. When we're with our friends and we're present, we have these conversations all the time. However, when, as we mentioned earlier, when you're focused inward because of tension or pressure, they can be difficult. But if you're able to turn your attention towards them, identify them. You're able to turn any conversation into a connecting moment. And listen, what we're doing is we're validating the other person. We're letting them feel heard, seen, cared about. So when that emotional bid is responded to, it provides the other person that, OK, I feel accepted. I feel like I can share even more because this person cares. When we disregard these emotional bids. A whole heap of trouble happens. So let's talk about turning away from because I think turning toward and turning away. And then we're going to talk about the absolute worst, which is turning against. So turning toward is accepting the emotional bid and giving that person value, allowing them to feel good for sharing with you. And when we give someone our attention, approval and acceptance, well, imagine how they feel. We've all been on the receiving end, right? When I finished my six mile run and I said, wow, can you believe I ran the first mile in under seven minutes? I am asking someone to validate me, someone to celebrate this. This, for me, was a huge accomplishment. And when it falls on deaf ears, well, you feel tiny. You feel completely left out in the dark. So understanding why are people saying what they're saying? And we were laughing about this earlier at the start of that interaction, the first couple of minutes. We're priming the pump. We're throwing out stuff that we want people to latch on to. There's a context behind everything I'm saying. If I offer up, hey, I went on a run. It's because I want you to ask me, oh, are you training? What's going on? So I could talk about the half marathon and people in our lives that were meeting for the first time when they name drop, when they talk about something, hey, I had this conversation. They're asking for us to explore that a little more. So the first 90 seconds, we could really recognize that first emotional bid. It's the gasoline in the engine. So turning towards it provides an opportunity for that conversation to start moving at a rapid clip. So when we're turning towards it, we're accepting the other person. We're appreciating the other person. We're approving of the other person. Well, and turning towards, smiling, also more nonverbals. It's nodding away. Eye contact is important when someone's giving us that emotional bid. And not eye contact without the glowing of the screen. I feel like that was that was a shot at me. It's a shot at all of us. So our example earlier, right? Oh, look, a purple parakeet. Well, turning towards that bid is actually getting next to the person and taking a look at the bird, right? It's giving that person your full attention, giving that person an opportunity to feel good for sharing that. Well, it's, you know, the actual meaning. Will you enjoy this moment with me? Right? Like, that is huge. That isn't about look over there. That's going to be present and enjoy this moment together. This is what a connection. And man, we're talking about turning away in that moment. You're like, yeah, great, purple parakeet back to phone. That you are just crushing somebody. Or take the even simpler one. You crack a joke, right? If someone cracks a joke and they no one laughs, you know, I was I was laughing about this. A friend of mine was just telling me that she she was some trip that she had taken where she had been flying all day and she was extremely tired and her friends drug her to go out. They were so excited to see her and she was just beat. But she also wanted to see her friends to go out and everything. And she I guess they were some some lounge and her friends were over dancing and they left her sitting there and some guy had approached and started talking to her. And she had fallen asleep and I was laughing. I was like, do you even know the damage you might have caused for nodding out on that guy? Because I had that guy worked coming over to you up for 10 minutes to finally like, OK, I got it. She's alone. I'm going to make my move. Eddie nodding out. Brutal. Yes. But we've we've been there where you celebrate something. No one pays attention. You crack a joke. No one laughs. And listen, we are not talking about the yeah, cool, awesome. Totally AJ. I know a lot of guys in boot camp are like, but I don't like that. I don't I don't dig birds. I don't care about running. Well, how can I respond to that emotional bid? It's not accepting everything. It's not a yeah, cool. It's giving more attention, just giving that person more opportunity to celebrate themselves, to share that emotional component. It doesn't mean you have to agree with everything. And it's certainly not a blanket, cool, totally. Yeah, man, that's great. Those are not turning towards emotional bids. Those are actually dismissing them. And a lot of us don't realize that we're just in a total like I know myself when I'm talking to Amy and I'm on my phone. I'm like, oh, yeah, cool. Oh, yeah, totally. What's going on on Instagram here? How many likes did I get? We all know that we all have these moments where we're not fully present and we give the courtesy laugh, the courtesy cool, the courtesy totally. You know, it's it's it's funny because. I noticed in the your relationship with Amy, there had come to a point that that's in the relationship that I couldn't get a response text back after a certain time. And my first thought was, OK, AJ now has to turn off his phone after eight o'clock and be present in the relationship. And then the text that I do get, I'm like, Amy must have went to the bathroom. Where's she passed out? The technology balance is is still a struggle for me. I'm not going to lie, you know, to struggle for everybody running a business and the business also happens to be all encompassing. It is my livelihood. So I'm certainly not a serial entrepreneur. I don't have a lot of side hustles going on. This is my one and only hustle. And it's difficult when you have a team and you're trying to be responsive to everyone and there are a lot of demands. And I've had phone on time out. I've I've unplugged phone on an airplane. I've tried a variety of things. It's still something that I struggle with. But well, let's just let's look at it for what it is. When it's your livelihood and it's all encompassing, it's all you think about. It's all that you have going on that the next day is going to be spent doing work. And you're meticulously putting together a team together and you want that team to feel supported, encouraged and that you have their back and it's an open door policy. Well, then it's, you know, they send you a text that 8 30 at night, of course, you want to have their emotional bids that they're looking for me to turn towards, right? Yeah, right. Like it's oh, I was excited. I had this idea. I should text AJ. I don't get a text back. It wasn't a bad idea. I should text AJ at 9 p.m. Right. So nothing that we're saying again is coming from a I'm a savant and I'm recognizing everyone's emotional bids. But what I've found and especially at the start of relationships, when you can make a habit of being present and giving people an opportunity by turning towards those emotional bids and responding, letting that person know that you see, you hear, you care, your present goes a long way towards creating the space of true connection, which we'll get into and really talking about empathy. Now, obviously turning towards is what we're aiming for. Turning away, not a good thing. Turning away is what Dr. Gottman argues builds that resentment, fosters that feeling of disconnect, that feeling of this person doesn't care about me. So that example of the purple parakeet, right? If you call your friend over to see this bird, you're the bird watcher. Look at this purple parakeet and they don't come over. They say, yeah, that's cool. I got to finish my homework. I got to finish doing the dishes. Well, man, you feel like crap. You feel let down. You feel unheard and that builds and and when that's too much, when the checkbook is out of balance, if you don't have a very patient partner, you're going to be partnerless, you're going to be friendless. And we've also had a number of guys through the program who have surface relationships. They don't feel they have depth in their relationships. They don't feel that the other person's being vulnerable in large part, it's because they missed these first few emotional bids that that person gave them. They were turning away from them. They were rejecting them and not allowing the person to feel good in those moments. So whenever we turn away from someone's emotional bid, we build resentment and that harms relationships. I will certainly a quick to a rhythm and. I've burned a number of relationships turning away from emotional bids, not giving that person the space to feel valued is huge. And when technology comes into the mix, we look at technology and all the ways that we can seek emotional bids by posting our achievements online, taking that photo of us traveling, showing people what we're eating, posting our run splits, where we're asking for that emotional bid to be responded to. And we're asking people to turn towards us. But think about all the times that the people in your life are doing the same thing. Are you responding with likes? Are you responding with comments? Are you texting them? Hey, that's awesome. Hey, happy birthday. Are you giving them that attention, approval and acceptance? That's what we're talking about here, whether it's in person or whether it's digitally. Now, digitally is definitely the lowest form of responding to emotional bids. But it's also the easiest, right? How difficult is it for you to spend 20 to 30 minutes a day just flipping through your social and celebrating everyone else's emotional bids? If I could get it down to 30 minutes a day, that'd be huge. I'm working on it. Yeah. And, man, you know, we've talked about this so often. But the the ingenuity and the genius of of how they've gotten social media so addictive to where I've gotten to the point now where I get angry if I unconsciously well, consciously awakened to know seeing that, oh, wait, I'm back at Facebook. Why? How did the hell that that happened? I was I was, you know, listening to some story or or, you know, I was watching Better Call Saul. How the hell did I get my back in Facebook? I how did and but, you know what? That's how I know that I'm making strides, because when I get angry, I know that I'm moving to a decision point that that I want, right? It's like, now anger is getting involved, your emotions are here. This is slowly taking place. I know that every time that I've had difficult habits change, it was anger was finally the last emotion in to where that allowed to happen. Well, I mean, anger drives the show. So if you're getting to a point where you're angry with yourself, you're going to start to make behavioral changes. Yes. What I love is that everyone struggles with this. We had drama on the show recently, millions of followers on Instagram. And what did he say? He goes, I will post something and I will have a mini freak out if it doesn't get enough likes or views and pull it down. So every one of us is lobbying emotional bids digitally or in person. We're posting because we want an emotional response. Saying stuff in conversation because we want an emotional response. So taking a step back, understanding where you're putting out these emotional bids, you're going to start to realize all the different ways. Maybe you're being a little needy. Maybe you're asking too much of people and not reciprocating emotional bids. Well, then to go along with that. How excited do you get when you get that response? Knowing that you can do that for somebody else and rather focusing your whole day on trying to get it for yourself why don't you know what? Here's your gut. Here's your challenge for a week. Try spending it on giving it to other people and watch your whole world change. And this is the type of stuff where depth in that relationship is happening where all of a sudden this person is going to start taking more interest in you and start supporting you and all those extra levels of the playing field that we talk about open up where opportunity arises. All of a sudden this business venture you were thinking about the stars in line next thing you know you're coming together and that idea is happening when we start responding and turning towards other people's emotional bids we create space for connection. We create space for them to invest more in us. And it's as Dale Carnegie said, it's showing the other person that we're interested at a base level. We show disinterest when we're in our phones, when we are turning away from emotional bids. So when we ignore someone's emotional bid, we build resentment. We harm that relationship. We've all been in those relationships that have ended. If you think about all the breakups in your life, I know I've had a number where I was just completely unresponsive to their emotional bids, checked out, uninterested in what they were doing or saying. It sucks to be there to learning less through my 20s and even in my 30s now of how easy it is for you to have momentum in your relationship. If you feel like your relationships losing momentum, start paying attention to your significant others, your friends, your family members, emotional bids, as Johnny said. The other thing that outside of turning away is the turning against. And this is and this is where you will make that a negative comment about whatever the other person's emotional bid. So if it's, hey, look at that purple parakeet and your response is, well, that's a stupid bird, right? There's there's a response. But as it is not the response of the other person, it's a rejection. And this is where in class, we talk about improv rules and why they're so important and why improv is such a great thing. Because one of the rules is you're not allowed to negate your partner. And it's always yes and you move with them rather than against them, which opens up conversation to opportunities to show your personality, opportunities for jokes to build. But if you negate it and you take and you turn against, you've shut down the person, you've shut down the conversation. And there's no opportunity for anything to build. And in fact, how many things just go flat. And now we have an awkward silence and somebody's going to have to leave that situation. And it'll always be the other person. And I mean, just thinking about that. Yeah. Sitting here going cringing, right? When we reject that response, when we reject that emotional bid, it definitely disqualifies that person. It allows them to feel completely unresponded to you and feel negated by you. So think about all the times where you're caught up in the moment. You just flippantly respond to someone. In those moments where it was an emotional bid, that rejection stings. Why is everyone so afraid of rejection? Because it's not fun. So I know that there are a number of clients that end up on our couch that have a negative negating personality. Well, it's there is sarcasm and that dry sense of humor. And we always talk about if that is something that you possess. And we listen, my there are people who I know who've made a living off of sarcasm. But you have to understand much like anything else is that you have a funnel of everything you're bringing in of relationships. And if you are meeting everyone up front with a sarcastic or dry sense of humor, that funnel is narrower and you're only allowing so much to come through. And I always tell people if you're fine with that, screening people out that quickly, then fine. But don't come asking why you're not unable to bring people in your life by using such a brash personality. If that is something that you would like to utilize and explore in your in your relationships, at least allow people to get to know you first before you exhibit that. Well, let's follow Dr. Govins principle, 80 percent, not sarcastic, 20 percent sarcastic. You're in line. If you start going 50, 60, 70 percent sarcastic, you're basically negating every emotional bit coming at you. And again, we like to think that we're wearing that smile, that everyone knows our sense of humor. How could they not know I'm joking? There are a lot of times where people don't know you're joking, even if you say I have a sarcastic personality. How many times have you went for the sarcastic joke online and when you're about to hit post, you realize they've got to get this. It's so outrageous. I mean, and this is where I think all the yelling comes from on one Twitter. Someone just shows their sense of humor on some post and they hit and it's so outrageous. They're like, how can anyone miss this? Right. But should be obvious. It should be obvious. But it isn't because no one knows your sense of humor. So they just it just goes sideways immediately. But all of this is nothing compared to how somebody feels when you just turn away. Oh, I mean, you feel neglected. Well, this even goes on on digital work because you're shitposting, you're getting a response. So you're you're encouraging more. But if no one answers you, you'll just stop. The reason shitposting is such a huge thing is because you're eliciting a response. Any publicity is good publicity. So the more outrageous, the more angry you can make everyone, the more you're getting responses that though it's angry, it's still elicited emotional response. You're winning online online. So we have turning away from and we have turning against and it's interesting because reflexively, even myself, I thought, wow, turning against would would be the worst of the two, right? Ignored versus rejected would be the worst of the two. But actually, it's turning away from that is the worst. When we ignore the emotional bid, when we are unresponsive to that person seeking value, that person seeking our emotional attention, we allow resentment to build at a rapid rate. If we turn against and reject, there's a response. So that person, even though they didn't get the response they were looking for, they got a response to their emotional bid. They got something when that's that's why you I think you mentioned this earlier that if you're not responding to the other person, they're going to get they're going to look for another way to get a response from you. And it may not be the one that you want to give them, but they're they're looking for anything. So, of course, they're going on the attack because they know that you're going to have to respond to that. So now they are getting something. So let's talk about the response to emotional bids, because this is where the magic happens. When we are presented with an emotional bid, the mindset to take the response you should have is a we or an us response. That fully accepts, appreciates and allow the other person to feel good that you recognize and understand that emotional bid. So when someone offers up that story or what someone offers up what they're excited about, if you could say, well, we're going to have to do more of that or we're going to have to go here and you can connect yourself to that emotional bid at the start of that relationship, that friendship at the start of that connection. That person feels a different level of connection with you than if you just say, cool, yeah, totally, I agree. So when we take the we perspective, not talking about yourself, not taking their emotional bid and then pontificating about all the different ways you relate to that. But instead, you just focus on the we, we should do this. We're going to have to go on that birdwatching trip. We're going to have to go to Africa, plenty of purple parakeets there. That we moment allows the other person to feel completely heard. And, you know, it's something that's interesting to go along with that. You remember the movie Yes, Man that came out? That was all about saying yes to opportunity. And now it's it's saying not only yes to opportunity, but yes to communication, yes to being present. I mean, it's it's totally taken over a new connotation. So the problem that a lot of us have when we're presented with that emotional bid is we mistake it for an opportunity to talk about ourselves, which actually works against you. So when I say take the we, a lot of us take the me, we go, oh, great. He shared with me that he loves birdwatching. Now I'm going to share with him that I love running. And that actually turns away from that emotional bid. The reason that people are offering up the emotional bid is to get a response. It's not to hear more about you. Yeah. But when we're focused inward, when we're waiting for that perfect opportunity to interject about ourselves, we tend to come to the conversation with only me, me, me, me. Let me add about myself. Let me share all these things about myself. That works against these emotional bids. So it's the we versus the me. If you go in looking for the emotional bid, recognize the emotional bid and share a we. Talk about what you can do together in the future or how that person can help you based on this emotional bid that they gave you. They feel connected when you go, oh, great. Now I'm going to share about myself. There's a disconnect there. They feel that they weren't actually heard. I once again, to go back to social media, I think it was predicated on the on the point of you get to show people interesting things about your life. What's going on in your other friend's life comes secondary. I love that because when we pay closer attention to the lives going on around us and then are totally soaked in our own. Well, obviously, it sounds to me that's where the opportunity lies. You can't come into a situation or a conversation and just pontificate and focus on yourself and hope that everyone else is going to play along. It doesn't work that way. Now, when we talk about emotional bids, there is a nonverbal and a verbal component. So the way that we teach our bootcamp students to respond to emotional bids starts with listening, listening with your eyes and your ears. An emotional bid is not going to be delivered with stoicism. It's not going to be delivered with a blank stare and a lack of emotion in the tonality. It's going to be delivered with emotion in their face and emotion in their tonality. It might be a more bellowing raise of volume. It might be more energy in the tonality. It might be a leaning in, making more eye contact, physically lighting up. We've all heard that phrase, right? Oh, she lit up when she shared that story. It's that entire idea of there's an emotional outburst that's going to happen nonverbally before the verbal hits. So paying attention, listening with your eyes and your ears. What we mean is making eye contact with the person you're talking to and looking at their emotional response in conversation allows you that opportunity to pick up on the genesis of that emotional bid and then listening to the words that come after it. So if that person has a big smile on their face and they're excited to share with you that they just beat their personal record and crossfit, well, you're going to see that first on their face and then you're going to hear that in their voice and you're going to pick up on it in the emotional context of the words. Well, and the emotions that they're projecting should be transferable and you should feel it too. However, if you're spending more and more time in a logical situation without in contact, I think those those things that transferable emotions slowly I think that thing starts to decompose and it's and it's more difficult. And because of that, there are studies been done showing that people. What is it? Botox, right? When there's their face is stiffen, they're unable to make certain emotions. You're also slowly unable to pick them up. That is huge. That is that is a major thing. And I living in Los Angeles, I have to say that there are so many people who would rather skip the being able to pick up emotions for the sake of looking better. I don't know if that's such a good trade off. You're not you're becoming like Mark Zuckerberg. You're just data person. So we hit you with a lot. Yes, today and this emotional bid concept for us, the biggest thing was raising awareness around it. And again, focusing back on our listening skills because the more you start to recognize them in others, it's a skill that gets developed over time. Raising awareness for a lot of us, we were unaware that emotional bids were even happening. We were so caught up in the logic and the data that's being transmitted in the conversation that we're not paying attention to that emotional context. Now that we're tapping into that emotional context, as Johnny was saying, we want to mirror that emotion back to them. We want to allow them to feel appreciated for sharing that positive emotion with us. So just being more celebratory of your friends. Think about that for a second. Everyone in your life is trying to accomplish things. They have things that they're passionate about, that they're excited about, and they may be sharing them with you right now or they may have shared them with you in the past. Think about all the times. Did you give them an opportunity to really resonate on that? Did you celebrate them for what they're going after? And to bring it to a conscious level so that you may get better at this. You know, try to start thinking about it as being present or picking up emotional bids slowly a couple of times a day and lengthening that as the better you get at it. Now, because what happens is and we see this all the time that now that we've had the podcast, we've talked about it. Now, then people go out to immediately want to apply this and you're going to miss some because this is all brand new. Don't beat yourself up because that you're not hitting 80, 20 yet. Let's work in our way there. If you were a little bit better than you were yesterday at it, then you're winning and the simplest way going back to our high value episodes, 694, 695, 696, right? Just giving value. If you go in and not wrapped up and I have to catch every emotional bid, but more wrapped up and I need to give people more attention. I need to give people more approval. I need to give people more acceptance. You're going to naturally catch the emotional bids. You're going to cast a wider net to catch them. If you're focused on, I have to impress this other person. I have to win them over. I have to out talk them out, smart them out with them. You're already setting yourself up at a disadvantage when you can take giving value with recognizing emotional bids. That's a superpower. That's where we now have the basis for that deeper connection. And we're going to delve into that next month. I'm really excited to kick off this emotional bid month because we're going to delve even deeper into this. We have some great articles coming up as well as some interesting interviews. Well, and once again, you start practicing this and you will find that all of a sudden you have developed a superpower that most people are not willing to work on.