 The leading cause of divorce here in the United States is often initiated by women, and the number one reason tends to be centered around intimacy, meaning wanting more of a deeper connection with someone. And in their relationships, they're not experiencing that. So if you're a single woman and you find yourself, you want more of a connection with a man, you want more intimacy, then I think it's really important to lean into this conversation, which I'm about to share with you. Now I can tell you as a dating and relationship coach, I want to share a quick story with you. This was a woman who reached out to me some years ago who said, Jonathan, I'm in a relationship with a man that's roughly seven or eight months old, and I want more commitment out of him. I said, great. What does that look like for you? Well, Jonathan, I just want more commitment out of him. Great. What does that look like for you? But Jonathan, I just want more commitment from him. I'm like, great. What does that look like for you? And she felt like if she was yelling it louder, I would hear her and she even said, Jonathan, you're not hearing me. And I'm saying because you're not saying anything. So I want to read you something I prepared for this broadcast, and I want to lean into the conversation of how to get more from a man, because many of you are chasing men and I'm encouraging you to operate from a different perspective. So I want to read this to you. There's an old saying that women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. This also seems true when we consider that men do the asking for marriage. And because women tend to desire commitment more than men, women often chase men, or more importantly, try to convince a man to choose them. Many of you are operating from a place of trying to prove yourself to a man instead of standing in your power and saying, in many cases, men who are non-committal, the men that are just not into you, the men that say they want to take it slow and we'll lean into that for a second. You're oftentimes putting in more effort in the relationship. It's an imbalanced relationship because you're hoping at some point he will choose you. And I know this sucks because I suspect this is, as children, we wanted our parents to love us. So in many cases, we did these things to prove to our parents to give us more love. And this might translate to how we operate in adulthood as well. Now you might hear in the red pill community, I've got to read something, you might hear in the red pill community that women have all the power. And that is true if a man is chasing sex. Remember I said earlier, women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment. But as soon as a woman has sex with a man, the power dynamic changes, especially if a woman wants commitment. So I want to really address how to get to a place in your relationship where you have that deep intimacy, you have that deep connection, you have that deep trust. You have that deep commitment. And it's imperative on, listen, you can make your own choices here. But it's imperative if you want to have a, as I talk about in my videos, a juicy, delicious, healthy relationship, then it requires understanding the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship. And more importantly, how to vet in the early stages if this person is even really capable of a commitment. You know, we've adopted here, at least in the United States, the belief that the more attractive a person is, the more highly educated a person is, the more successful a person is, they are of quality to be in relationship. Well, if that's true, why do rich people get divorced? Why do professors at colleges get divorced? Why do actresses and actors get divorced? I mean, if we assume that they're the more attractive one or models get divorced. I mean, even we had recent Tom Brady and Giselle get divorced and they're two attractive people and they're very successful people and yet they got divorced. Why? Because they didn't build the deep roots of trust in the early stage of the relationship. They didn't build that. And so when we, when you actually, by the way, I went to divorce court once and I was listening to how the divorce proceedings were going through. This is in family court. And when you hear the complaints of each couple and I sat through five different couples going through there and some preliminary hearings as what was happening. You can literally, if you actually reversed engineered what, if you kind of look and connect the dots backwards, you can reverse engineer how to establish a healthy, happy relationship from the very beginning. And this is how you get more out of someone in relationship. Now I get it, ladies, you're stuck because men will chase sex. Remember, you're the gatekeepers of sex and men will chase that. You've all been told that men are the hunters and they love the chase. Well, they're not walking around going, I want a relationship. I want a relationship. That's not what they're hunting and chasing. What are they hunting and chasing? Men biologically are driven by their penises, whether you like it or not. Now, there are certainly men who I, what I call are the growers and the builders. These men are serious about wanting a relationship. They're serious about determining if you're a good fit for them. Okay, there are men out there. Now I'll say they're few and far between. It's probably less than 20% of the single population are in that space of growing builders. There's a lot of men in the user category. These are men, love bombers, players, they're in it for the short term. This includes women as well, those entitled type of female personalities, those gold digger types, and there are male gold diggers as well. The men who want sugar mamas, so they'll exist. That's probably 20% of the single population. The vast majority of the single population is rather emotionally dysfunctional. They have poor emotional maturity or weak relationship skills. That's right. This is true of men. This is true of women as well. You ladies aren't a picnic as well. Trust me on this. Many of you are suffering just like men. The childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas of, listen, the number one emotional health issue facing most everyone is, I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable. That's, that's at the core. That's a wound most of us carry. This is why I wrote my book. What the heck is self love anyway? A journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. By the way, there's a link below to get a copy of my book. Why do I share this? Is because when we begin to work from the inside out and let me just say there's a benefit of working from the outside in as well. My whole coaching is designed to help you work from the inside out, loving on oneself. And by the way, you know, okay, you've heard, you've got to love yourself before you can love another. Well, loving yourself is an ongoing process. Okay. It's just merely means loving yourself means standing in your power, your sovereignty, your self work, your self esteem, your self respect. Many of you women are chasing men or, or trying to prove yourself to men. We can even not even say chase, but prove yourself to men, hoping that they will see your value. Well, when there's an imbalance when you're putting in all the effort, that's an imbalance because you're giving your power away to him. And sadly here in the United States, we are suckling on the nipple of I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to validate me so I can feel good about myself. I need you to text me all day long to prove your worth. This isn't an imbalanced way to approach relationship. So I want to address the men who say let's take it slow because there's a validity to that. Okay. What is taking it slow means it means he needs to evaluate you to see if your work, if you are commitment candidate, if you're a commitment candidate. And believe me, this is a challenge for those of us in midlife because when you men are in their 20s and 30s, they're oftentimes on the hunt for a wife. So they have a certain criteria they need met so they can make babies with someone and start a family. This is really challenging for those of us in midlife who've been through divorce and divorce is an unraveling of the tapestry of our old life. And in that space, there's that space to reconnect with who we are. And yet many people immediately when an eight relationship ends, they put themselves back out there because humans are thirsty for companionship. They're thirsty for connection. They're thirsty for sex. That's the vast majority of the single population. And not that dependency always has to be a bad thing, but there's this dependency on wanting to have someone in your life, that companion so you can go do things together. You want that connection because let's face it, after COVID, I mean, many people were isolated so that need for connection exists and physical intimacy. You know, masturbating gets boring after a while. For some people, that's all they have and I get that. But ultimately, physically connecting with someone is important too. The real challenge is commitment. So as I started this broadcast, I talked about if women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are gatekeepers of commitment and women give sex very early on before he's made any level of commitment to you. It's an imbalanced relationship. He carries the power. In the beginning, women have the power. This is going back to the red pill conversation. They are choosing, you know, many women are only trying to choose the small percentage of men who are what they perceive to be high value. But ultimately, once that man has had you, it's up to him to decide if he wants to commit to you. So how do we shift this narrative? That's what I want to lean into today. Because it's okay to take it slow to determine if this someone is worthy of commitment. I'm going to suggest first and foremost, ladies, you take it slow before you become physically intimate with a man. Why? Because the more time you take determining if you're really desiring of a committed relationship, the stronger chance you have of relationship success. Now I want to address one thing before I get into the nitty gritty of this. I've been watching 90-day fiance the other way. My sweetheart and I have been watching. And by the way, we watch this from a human behavior perspective. I mean, it's kind of like why humans like to watch a train wreck happen. And also, it's an opportunity to look within. Well, it's interesting. These are people that oftentimes communicate via text messaging. They communicate via FaceTime. And most of their communication, most likely in between, is building up this fantasy to be in this healthy happy relationship. And a lot of the conversation is, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. They might even share their problems in the day, which might appear to build real intimacy with one another. I'm here to say, intimacy is built through the following. True intimacy, true friendship, true connection is built in the following. Social activities, hobbies, and mutual interests. It's physically being with one another through social activities, hobbies, and mutual interests. That is how you build intimacy is doing things together. And in the doing is unpacking the things you're doing together. That's how deeper intimacy is built. Deeper intimacy isn't built through our devices. It might appear that way. That's the false clue. So I watch these women who attach themselves to these men. In most cases, I believe it's all of the current episode. There's three women who are traveling to other countries. There's one man. The man happens to be a transgender. And in this particular case, you know, they built up a fantasy without any real understanding. Can this person actually blend in my life? Can this person actually fit into my life? And this is one of the tricky spots to actually explore because if you want more from a man, it's going to have to happen face to face to actually see if you can blend lives together. And more importantly, can you actually resolve your differences together? Let me share something with you. If you're not familiar with this, the most successful couples have the capacity to communicate in a way to be seen, heard, and understood in a healthy way by the ability to resolve conflict. Conflict resolution is one of the key elements to a healthy, happy relationship. And every relationship is going to have differences. We call these differences conflicts. But in some cases, it can be severe conflicts. Like in this particular case in the 90 day fiance, the woman is going out to see a man in India and he wants an Indian type wife. He wants a subservient type wife. His family wants her to have his family wants him to have a subservient type wife. And she's like, I've got two master's degrees. Why am I putting up with this? She's also submitting to it because she's built this fantasy that they love each other when in fact they're not really compatible with one another. Many of you do this and you chase the idea that somehow magic fairy dust will come down and change everything. The only way you can shift the narrative is by beginning from the very beginning with the following. I talk about this in my private coaching. There's a link here to schedule a discovery call with me to see if we're working with the coaches right for you. First and foremost, starting with radical honesty. Now within radical honesty is the understanding. Remember I talked in the earlier this video about the woman who says, I want more commitment from them. But Jonathan, I want more commitment. And I ask her, what does that look like? Ladies, you better know what the mechanics of commitment looks like day to day in a relationship and have that clarity early on before you ever explore a physical relationship is have clarity on what does commitment and relationship look like for you and be radically honest. And radically honest simply means speaking your truth. Just do it from a kind place. You know, it fascinates me how many women have literally scotch quality. They put scotch tape on their mouths when it comes to speaking their truth. By the way, ladies, let me just say this to you. If you speak from a sincere place, you really can't say the wrong thing to the right person if it comes from the heart. Many of you are so fearful to speak your truth. No wonder you find yourselves in dynamics with men who are rather clueless. They're the the spenders and the users and not the growers and the builders. And you just hope you're all fantasizing that the man is this grower builder type. When you really have a greater chance of being with a user or what I call a spender. That's a man who will spend time with you but not commit to you. Number two is laying your cards on the table. What does commitment look like for you? What does a relationship look like for you? Look, I get it. A lot of coaches will tell you don't interview a man. Don't interrogate him. I'm here to say bleep that stuff. This is my Sunday videos. I don't curse. Okay, bleep that stuff. You absolutely interrogate him. Now, you can do it in a fun playful way by being vulnerable, by being authentic, by being transparent, asking deeper questions. Many of you have this surface conversation going on. And I jokingly use the Seinfeld episode where Kramer says, how's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you have a good day. I repeated myself here today because many of you, and you know it, it's always that first text message. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Laying your cards on the table early on and then establishing the rules of engagement and leading intimacy through vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency. That's right. Leading with vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency. That is, has the, this puts the odds in your favor because many of you are operating from that place of, it's the man, the man has all the power. You have all the power within you. You are in charge of your relationship, Destiny. Don't give that up to a man. You take charge of your life and say, you know what? I am worth it. And so if you've engaged in a relationship with someone or you're about to engage in a relationship with someone, I'm here to encourage you all to lead the process from what I call a co-creative process, a co-creative process. And if you need some additional help with that, I'm going to recommend another book. I'm going to recommend the book, Eight Dates by Doctors John and Julie Gottman. Again, a link below to get all the books I recommend and Jonathan book recommendations. This is a great outline to, with the essential conversations for a lifetime of love. That's what it says right up here. Essential conversations for a lifetime of love. Read this book so you can understand what commitment looks like for you. And then maybe, just maybe, if you speak your truth early on, you start with radical honesty. You lay your cards on the table and establish the rules of engagement for yourself. How you are going to engage in this relationship and lead emotionally through vulnerability, authenticity, and transparency. You have a greater chance of success than those that many of you are doing is an ambivalent way of approaching relationships instead of an intentional way. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. Please post a comment below. If you liked this video, please hit that thumbs up. Please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel if you're brand new. And I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big, gigantic, Jonathan, bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into your camera and give you a hug of love. Excuse my armpit stains. I'm going to ask you to turn to a friend, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow. There's a teddy bear. Give inner them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now. Bye.