 Well, hello, and welcome to Jonathan from the heart. I'm Jonathan assay of Jonathan assay calm And I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today our topic when he says he's not ready For a relationship Really quickly if you're brand new to my youtube channel, please hit the subscribe button hit the bell So you can be notified of new videos and if any time during this video the content resonates with you Please hit that like button so I can be seen in the youtube algorithms really quickly. These are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony very similar to the videos. I shoot my private group called midlife love mastery This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis for a nominal fee and the questions You post in the group. I shoot personalized videos just for you So check out the link below to my group called midlife love mastery All right, let's talk about when he says he's not ready for a relationship. All right You've heard this time and time again. You've heard How when men say that that's just simply he's just not into you and certainly you've been indoctrinated in this whole belief You know with so much dating advice that men are hunters and men are chasers and men pursue and men will claim you and It's got to be very frustrating for you out there I know it's frustrating for me as well, especially the expectation what men are supposed to do in relationship And the reality is is the vast majority of people out there are suffering on the inside in some way shape or form Not feeling good enough not feeling likable not feeling lovable and it's wearing on human beings Particularly in the dating mating and relating realm In fact, I truly believe dating now triggers the number one emotional health issue, which I just shared I'm not good enough and so this is really if we lean into this Conversation with a lot more depth than the rhetoric than you're hearing out there Maybe you can look at this from a whole different perspective And that's my intent today is to look at this particular When a man says I'm not ready for a relationship from a different perspective and the reason why I'm sharing this What sparked this is a couple things that have happened to me personally now before I get into that I just want to say it's very confusing for women to understand men these days because men Biologically are driven by lust in the early stage of dating or Limerence and limerence is extreme infatuation So a man might pursue you vigorously because of lust It might be that sexual desire to conquer you from that perspective or it might be Limerence was it which is extreme infatuation which can happen for a variety of reasons Which could also include love attachment issues or the amago which is discussed by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt Attachment is a mere Levine Rachel Heller by the way, there's a link below to all the books I recommend I didn't pull a copy of that one out today Which I talk about but there's a variety of reasons why we might be feeling limerence That has nothing to do with we're well suited and well mated for one another So the dating process has a lot of pressure on it particularly for men and women alike There's so much pressure because these days we're meeting total strangers We're meeting most often total strangers the days of organically connecting with someone seems rather what rare and the problem Is when we're meeting strangers it requires almost the level of instant chemistry Otherwise the relationship will go nowhere and this is true for women as well as men How many times have you gone on a date where you just didn't feel something for that person who which could have been a good Candidate for you to be in relationship and they were into you and you weren't into them or vice-versa Or worse when you're both not into each other and you're sitting there going Twittling your thumbs going how long is it's going to be until I can just walk out of this state And I'm not here to say I'm not sure there's a solution to this because The days of meeting organically is becoming more rare especially with COVID these days And it's put way more pressure on the Online way of connecting and worse the swipe way of connecting and there there haven't been any studies To really look at why swipe dating is probably causing even more distress in the dating process Here's the thing I want to lean into something very personal to me as I shared a moment ago that might give you some Insight of how some men are feeling. I can't say this is for all men How some men are feeling and this actually and I'm chuckling for a moment. There's two things I wanted to share One is I happen to live in a condo complex where it's a pretty good sized place We have this cool pool Jacuzzi area and I hang out with people and there's this one gal. I've been hanging out with quite a bit In fact, she's now my Pilates instructor. She has a Pilates machine in her home and And We've been talking about our dating experiences and we're both Feeling this same experience. We're both feeling the same experience of dating fatigue Dating fatigue and as we share this it's the reason why I'm saying this is we're kind of like balancing this This I want to be in a relationship but I'm just burnt out on dating or I want to be in a relationship, but I'm not sure I can take on the the Emotional responsibility of a relationship and the emotional responsibility of the whole courting process and the whole process of getting to know Someone because it feels like a lot of pressure feels like a tremendous amount of pressure And we're both sharing our experiences with one another and what's kind of interesting is When we talk in the jacuzzi all these other people are listening in and they start chiming in and sharing their own experiences There was a young man at the jacuzzi the other day was saying how he's he's 30 years old Good-looking guy midwestern guy got a great job and he's absolutely frustrated He says in the younger generation most the women are on only fans And they're just trying to seek to grow their Instagram pages and not actually connect Now I know that's not true for all but he says that's what it feels like to him So we're experiencing this tremendous amount of dating fatigue and also what did I write down here? relationship Responsibility in other words when you start forming a relationship with someone there comes with it a tremendous amount of responsibility to be fully engaged and I know you're hearing this different rhetoric because when a man really wants something he's going to go after it Well, it's a different ballgame at midlife Then it is when we're in our 20s 30s and 20s and 30s versus when we're in our 40s 50s and 60s And I know a lot of men are experiencing Dating fatigue just like a lot of women are experiencing dating fatigue and the reason one of the reasons why a man might say He's not ready for a relationship It's because of the amount of responsibility It takes to get to know one another and now I want to share another experience that might give you some insight that I just recently had with a woman We connected through a dating site and I'll be candid with you. She wrote me first I didn't see her profile and she happened to write me saying I just she just wrote me a beautiful message saying how much She loved my profile how she really appreciated the words. I even mentioned in my profile that I lost a child and so a lot of women reach out to me just with sincere Condolences and that sort of thing and if you don't know this most of you know that I lost my 19-year-old son Connor a couple years ago and I share that In my profile to give more intel into about who I am So anyways going back to this woman So she wrote me this sweet little message and I wrote her back and and I said up front I go you live 30 miles away and I'll be candid with you. I am just burnt out On long-distance dating and quite frankly 30 miles is long distance in Los Angeles because It takes an hour and a half to get to where she lives on on a on a given Friday night And I just don't have the energy to do it In fact, I know a lot of women who feel the same way You just don't have energy to get up get dressed up and go on a date even though you want to do it But if it's requiring a lot of and that listen, I'm not here to suggest that effort isn't important to make effort But it's so much easier to just go. Hey, let's go meet for a drink around the corner with someone Then it is having to plan where are you going to meet all this sort of thing? So anyway, she did share with me that she's actually staying at someone's home nearby where I live And would you like to meet and at first I was up for it And then she sent me another she wrote me these I'm gonna be candid with you beautiful messages I mean with depth with with because we share the same passion for personal development Spiritual work. She's a reiki master. So for someone like me. This really jives with me and At the same time, I'm feeling absolute burnout. I'm feeling absolute burnout and And and I'm torn because I feel burnout and yet I'd like to be in a relationship and at the same time It's it's like how do you balance these two together? And I think this is what's causing a lot of men and women to feel like they're not ready for a relationship But it's not the relationship. They're not ready for it's this that they're not ready for it's the process of getting to know another human being with all of the Expectations that come with the dating process. I'm going to repeat that. It's the expectation of Of the dating process instead of the organic way of actually getting to know another human being so I Actually wrote her this morning how I felt and I want to share this with you all that might give you some insight So give me a second to put on my trusty glasses. Let me take a sip of coffee real quick hmm Coffee mug says sometimes you forget you're awesome. So this is your reminder So I want to share with you Something I wrote to her and by the way, it's quite long. So give me a second to read this. I said good morning Let me start by saying I love the way you write in fact your words touch me to the core with a sense of absolute Appreciation for communicating with such depth and openness. It is absolutely refreshing and let me just say it is very refreshing My sense is we could speak for hours and hours because we speak the same language based on our personal development work as Our as well as our spiritual connection to source In fact, you may not know this about me professionally I'm a dating a relationship coach who has written a self-help book about self-love And I tend to be very attracted to those who share this passion of seeking to go grow beyond the societal bounds of Conformity and you seem like that like such a lady with that said I'm feeling resistant to meeting you which makes no sense I'm going to repeat that I feel resistant to meeting you which makes no sense It's hard to say if it's just dating burnout The heaviness of the world right now or my intuition suggesting you're not the one These days dating takes so much effort and often comes with grand Expectations and if there isn't instant chemistry when you're meeting a stranger the desire to make even a tiny bit of effort It feels like a drain a waste of time or maybe even misleading someone With that said the coach in me knows to go against any fear and make the effort and at the same time the idea of Experiencing another letdown Feels like another failure which is weighing on me and I suspect much of the dating world as well Let me repeat that Experiencing another letdown which feels like another failure Which is weighing on me, which I suspect that much of the dating world is feeling as well It's as if I'm experiencing. Oh, it says if I'm experiencing dating fatigue In fact, I might shoot a video on this which I'm doing right now The hard part is it would be so nice to connect to meet someone for the first time without the expectations of it being a date Especially the expectation that it's a man's responsibility to lead the process What's going through my head? For example, how can I lead if I don't know if I even want to date this person? In fact, it feels like such pressure it takes away the fun of just getting to know someone organically By just doing fun stuff together hanging out where we live if we live near each other. Does any of this make sense? Folks, I know a lot of people would criticize what I just shared as Being TMI they might criticize it as being data mail. It's lax confidence and such and yet It's my truth. It's my truth and in fact, if you're not familiar with my book What the heck is self-love anyway? What the heck is self-love anyway chapter 1 speak your truth do it with kindness and And I share this because I have nothing to lose by speaking my truth I did it in a kind loving way Expressing how I felt now how now given what I suspect about this woman. It'll be well received Only the entitled woman is gonna look at that and my this is my opinion by the way only the entitled woman Is gonna look at that and go what a pussy what a weak guy for writing that he doesn't have the balls to come after me This is the frustrating part ladies We don't know if we like here again. I said earlier if we're experiencing lust or limerence We're gonna go after you like a rocket, but that doesn't necessarily guarantee Relationship success that has no guarantee of relationship success And this is why playing a lot of the game the hard to get games and all the other games that you're taught to play Doesn't work because there is an absolute fatigue and burnout for both men and women alike dating right now And they just like my friend at the jacuzzi. She's like I just I don't know if I want a relationship This is what's the the rub we're not it's not that people don't want a relationship the real rub is They don't know how to get to know someone in an organic level without the pressure of it being a Destination or dating process now with that said I Will say pre-qualifying your prospect does a lot more benefit in the long run By finding out where they're really at in their life and by the way, this is what I teach in my private coaching I teach you how to be radically honest with someone to determine if you're on the same page And if you need some help with that check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coaches Right for you. That's what I help is learning how to ask the better questions because ladies Here's the bottom line if we could take the pressure off of the expectation and and actually get to know someone from an organic level First by finding out if you're on the same page with each other before you even meet by and and by asking deeper questions and Just being up front saying hey look This is a scary process Can we just take the pressure off of the expectation and just to get to know each other organically just to see if we're on the same page? That would make this process so much easier. I believe hey listen. There is a different Car cars there's a different pot for every kettle out there So I'm just suggesting this is one way of looking at it. This isn't an absolute There are certainly very much Shiblerous men that go after what they want because they know what they want There's a lot of men that go after what they want because it's based on luster lemurins. There's a lot of men who are scared There's a lot of women who are scared There's a lot of people that are feeling angst today for a variety of reasons and rather than putting people in a box And making them out to bat. I'm here to suggest looking at it from a more compassionate way This is why I continually recommend the book if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated because it takes out all the crappy men masculine and feminine male female roles and says how can we get to know each other on a spiritual level? So with that said I do plan on if she still wants to meet me I'll plan on meeting her because I think she's a good person and who knows where that can lead and At the same time I started with truth and if people just started with their truth They might have a better experience going forward at least that's my invitation for all of you Is this making sense? Does any of this make sense? I'd like to hear your thoughts on this Please post a comment below if you like my Led Zeppelin shirt. I actually went to this concert in 1977 at the forum in Los Angeles. I was there. It was so much fun Again, I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. If this had value, please like this video if there was If you felt like there was value in this, please share this with your friends. All right I think that gives you some insight of why I think a lot of people are saying they're not ready for a relationship It's not the relationship. They're not ready for it's the angst of getting to know another human being that most people are struggling with All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic shot than Barak of self-love I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone a pat a teddy bear pillow and give it or them a hug of love Because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it. We could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye now