 By transcription, Irma Peterson the girl who thinks Paris green is a French golf course No kidding the other day Irma was baking a loaf of bread and she dropped a whole box of ends into the batter So I said Irma. What's the idea and Irma said well, Jen You know, I always like the hard crust of the bread and this way I'll have a loaf with 36 ends As usual Irma is mixed up. Everybody knows ends don't loaf on the job. They go right to work Yes ends chlorophyll tablets stop triple O stop orders of body stop orders of breath stop order offense Stop all three all at the same time. Keep you fresh as a daisy all day all over It's amazing, but one or two tiny ends tablets daily are all you need to stop triple O And now in Ennbs America's most popular chlorophyll tablets are proud to present your favorite comedy show created by Sy Howard starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis is Jane in my friend Irma What's that you're writing? It's a speech. I'm going to make to my cup scouts now Don't talk to me Jane because I'm trying to concentrate Benjamin Franken was born on January 17 He is the man who invented electricity by flying kites today We get all our electricity from powerhouses, but the tradition of Benjamin Franklin is still alive Because if you write to the electric company and tell them you haven't got money to pay the bill They will tell you to go fly a kite Irma That's enough mama's getting a date. No, Jane. Now. This is very important to whom? my cub scout oh You know, I'm dead mother and every month I take the boys to the museum and talk about some famous American Oh, I didn't know that. Well, it wouldn't hurt you to come with us sometime last month I discussed naval heroes and did Admiral Perry Admiral Dewey and the naval hero of the American Revolution John Charles Thomas You couldn't possibly mean John Paul Jones, then you're confusing me. He's a singer You know who that could be I don't know the way you've got things it could be Paul Revere Come in Girls I'm so excited. He's coming. I mean he's here. I mean, it's a wonderful. I'm standing here babbling like an idiot So what I've been told the same thing many times Out of the blue out of the blue after all this weight come on come on. What in the world is it? Oh, well, let me get back to the beginning. As you know I come from a tribe of gypsies and there's we were crossing Romania Romania. Oh, yes, that's right next to Massachusetts No, no, I'm a it's in Europe Massachusetts Irma, there's a virus going around close your mouth That's good girl now go ahead professor Well now in this tribe of gypsies there was a man no fine man a brave man In fact, he won't save my life And I swore in gypsy blood that if I could I would repay larger souls love and nothing would stop me And now you have the chance. Yes The entire tribe was wiped out in the last war But I learned through friends that the grandson of Laja is in a refugee camp nine-year-old boy named Zauru And you're bringing him here That's the news I got this letter. He's on Ellis island right now Ellis island why that's where Napoleon was imprisoned Irma virus is still around I'm sorry. Let me see that letter professor On january 17th will be released unto your custody all professor. This is wonderful of you Wonderful of me Jane in my heart is singing to live in a country where I can do this Just think that poor little boy all the way from warthorn Europe living in bombed out fellers in the mud and the rains Without heat beds no running water Oh my goodness a terrible thought just occurred to me Why you'll see my place you want to go back there Don't you worry professor. We'll give him a home. He'll never forget I know I can always count on my two little darlings No, but here's what bothers me. Jane the boy doesn't speak a word of English And besides I work seven days a week. What kind of father will I make him? Oh, it'll work out professor I'll see that he's registered in school And I'll make him a member of our cub scouts When will he be here Thursday? Oh wonderful. I'm taking the boys to the museum. I can teach little zaras all about American history Have you told mrs. O'Reilly about the boy who that monster? Please nobody tell her She's liable to raise the rent on me. Oh How can you say that? How can I say that? Jane my rent is eight dollars a week last week She wanted to charge me sixteen. Why because I had a dizzy spell and I told her I was seeing double Well, I got to go now and buy a little suit for zaras. How'd you like that? I already feel like a father Oh, well, it's only natural when al gave me that little pet monkey. I felt just like a mother Now cub scouts today, we're going to the museum I have you given all the boys their instructions. Yes madam din mother. I'll get it Well, here he is girl Ah, he's so cute zaras pez if you this jane stacey chubby He said she's very glad to know you And zaras pez if you this ermar peterson Well, what did he say he said if the tower of pizza had legs like yours it wouldn't lean so much He said that once a gypsy always a gypsy Hey my darling, would you take good care of him? I have to go to work now zaras Deja vigi kalmachi until I will be what did you tell him? Oh, I told him when he's hungry to open his mouth when he wants to be excused raise his hand Oh, I'll remember that and I'll get it straight when he raises his hand. Don't show him to the kitchen And now children, let's get ready to go to the museum. Oh din mother. Yes, jimmy. I told my daddy all the things you taught us on our last trip Oh, really? Well, what did he say? He said before we start out. I should smell your breath He's just kidding besides I use ends and now if you'll take zaras's hand and come in Where is he? Where is that moth eating derelict? Mrs. O'Reilly. What's wrong? He's leaving me those insulting poems again. Listen to this To mrs. O'Reilly your hair is as red as a ball of fire and your figure is lovely, of course I can get you a job as a gas station model to pose for the sign of the flying red horse Oh You know the first excuse I get I'm going to throw that bomb out of here Oh, who's this little fellow? Oh, he's the perfect armor Uh, uh, mrs. O'Reilly. He's he's just one of the cub scouts. Oh, indeed. Hello little boy. What's your name? He doesn't speak english. Why not? Uh, he's an indian scout. Oh Oh Well, I'm going to find that professor and tell him off if it's the last thing I do See you later girls. Oh now. This is just great. Erma, you better get these kids down in the museum I'm going to go over to the tea room and mourn the professor if she finds out about the boy. She'll throw them both out All right, uh, come on cub Oh dear, what's the matter? zaras is pointing to his mouth. I guess he wants to be excused Now watch your step Oh, here we are. Now, if you know today is benjamin franklin's birthday I brought you to this museum so we can learn about the great american leaders So zaras can see what a wonderful country he now lives in Now In this glass case, we see a mummy. Why is he all bandied up like that? Oh, he probably died in an accident Now underneath him is this sign 800 bc. What does bc mean? I'm not sure whether that stands for bushels or quarts Papsa, papsa. Oh, he wants to go home. That's the only word he knows. He misses the professor now. Let's see, um How do we get out of here? Oh, there's a sign to the I N E R A T O R Oh to the escalator All right, children now follow me You don't have to knock on my door just blow it will fall down The mailman there's a special delivery for you. Oh, thank you. What could this be? This will inform you Oh no, oh my goodness Where is she? Professor I looked for you at the tea room. I couldn't find you. Oh, Jane. This is terrible. Look. What is it? No, it's from the immigration authorities They are coming in one hour to check to see what kind of home life zoros has But so what? Well, you know, they never let you keep a child unless you can show that he's been given a normal good home And i'm afraid they'll take zoros away from me Oh, don't let them do it. Jane. It doesn't do it. Oh, professor. Why would they do that? Well, I was so eager to get zoros. I told the immigration people Well, I told them something that wasn't the truth Well, after all, what's a pretty little white lie? Well, this one isn't pretty and it is nipple Big and horrible What do you mean? I just remember I told them I was married to mrs. O'Reilly Here's a man with triple O Let's listen as he asks his druggist what to do Can you give me really effective protection against triple O odors of breath odors of body and odor offense? I've never found any old-fashioned deodorant that could take care of all three. Yes ends chlorophyll tablet Stop all three at the same time stop triple O It's the new safe and pleasant way to stay fresh as a daisy all over all day long But how about these cheaper chewing gum or candy products? They contain chlorophyll too, but look at any of them Nowhere does the label state how much chlorophyll it contains why you're right now. Look at the ends label It states very clearly that ends contain 100 milligrams of daritol chlorophyll are fully effective dose That's why only one or two tiny ends tablets a day Stop triple O stop all three odor offenses all day long But don't expect such long lasting results from cheaper chewing gum or candy substitutes that contain so little chlorophyll Ends are so effective because they start acting instantly inside the body where odors begin So for pennies a day you get ends longer lasting protection They're pleasant tasting safe too safe as any garden vegetable get en and ds ends chlorophyll tablets And be sure you stop triple O trial size only 49 cents at drug counters everywhere Larger sizes even more economical and now back to my friend ermah Don't sit there like that with your head in your hands. After all you're not going to the electric chair Jane you told me the only solution is to marry mrs. O'Reilly and to me this is like the electric chair Either one could shock a man to death Yeah, but you got into this situation yourself. Why did you tell the immigration authorities you were married to her? Well, I could get the boy who would figure they would check out Jane it'll be here in an hour. I think fast Oh Jane back already. Yes. I dropped off the other children. Oh professor. Here's your little boy Professor why are you crying the professor's in trouble. He told the immigration authorities He was married to mrs. O'Reilly and they're coming in an hour to check. Well professor, there's still time for you to marry her Everyone with the same terrible advice I'm like a horse that is sick and every veterinarian that comes in says shoot him But mrs. O'Reilly likes you and there are many ways to win a woman's heart I don't want to win her heart because then I'll have to take the rest of her and this is too much for any man It wouldn't it wouldn't be fair to her that I should ask to marry me because of an emergency This is like inviting a plumber to dinner because the stove is broke Well, that's your final decision. Yes, I will not marry mrs. O'Reilly out of convenience And if they take that boy away, I will follow him wherever they send him This is my solemn pledge What do you think's gonna happen? Oh, honey? I don't know the authorities may send the boy back to romanian I guess the professor will follow him I've got enough without you But the professor's too old to go to romania. I saw covadas all those romans walk around and she'll catch pneumonia Wish I could catch something maybe a fast train Hey chicken, the chicken, what's wrong? Haven't seen you look so sad since you found out what I paid for your christmas present Yes Al I'll give it to you quickly in order to get custody of a child the professor told the authorities He was married to mrs. O'Reilly and they're coming here to check. Oh, well, that's very simple All we do is get somebody to pose as mrs. O'Reilly Now mushy here is great when he gets dressed as a dave Yeah, sure he fools everybody you should have seen him at the teamsters masquerade. Yeah, I got four proposals from fellas Mushy mushy do you think you could dream up something that would look like mrs. O'Reilly's hair Well, I could put a tomato on my head and pump it up until it explodes Sounds great girls got to admit we come up with things fast. We're right on the ball Oh, I'll say you're right on the ball. It's only a matter of time. They put a chain on it So it doesn't get too far from your leg Now just a minute you you can't say them things to my best friends You talking to me? Yeah You got one of the biggest mouths I ever heard That's the reason I have never asked you for no day I must remember to have it stretched Oh, don't get high hat with me You're no better than none of the others Underneath to do all you things you all like Yeah, take off your skin and nobody would go out with you Wait a minute children. Maybe a lawyer can help the professor I want to see my boss, mr. Clyde firm. If you insist on meddling may I suggest you employ discretion tact and No, I hate these law firms with big names. I want to use this Mr. Clyde Peterson come in won't you? Well, he's indisposed that he can see you just don't tell him anything depressing You know how he is the moment he gets a headache. He thinks he's passing away Oh Men are such babies. Oh, where is he through that door down the hall? Thank you My these carpets are wonderful to walk on. Well, they have high piles. Oh, I understand we sweep under ours, too Come in Oh, mr. Clyde, you're in bed. What's wrong? I don't feel well. I tell me it's a mild case of gloatitis Oh, is that what you have? Well, it's nothing to worry about. Just stay awake Stay awake. All the people I know who had it died in their sleep Peterson aside from being a cheerleader what else brings you here Mr. Clyde, do you have any influence with the immigration office? Yes, but it can't help me. You're an american. I can't have you deported No, it's not about me. You see the professor adopted the little boy and he said he was married to mrs. O'Reilly. Well, he perched himself. There's nothing I can do about it But aren't you even gonna try? Well, there's nothing to be done now. Will you please go? All right, if that's your last word. Goodbye If you don't mind mrs. Peterson, will you put down my hot water bottle? Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I came in with a red bag Hey, this is an act of mercy. The professor is up in his room crying his eyes out. He loves this little boy Oh, you can't let him down But gene he had no business saying I was married. It hurts a girl It's like a store putting up a sign going out of business Well, can't you just pretend no if the man had ever said a decent thing about me It might be different But you know, you just can't love a man who keeps comparing your figure with 500 pounds of knuckwurst Where do you know he's kidding? Look the immigration inspector will be here in a few minutes. Just just do it this one time Well, I doubt it gene. I've had no luck with mr. Clyde How about here ceiling zero you can say that again the professor thought he could twist me around his little finger Oh, that's not true. He often told me he couldn't lift you with a 10 ton truck All right, mrs. O'Reilly, that's your decision right now it is Well, I'm going down to freshen up. I've got to get a new kind of glue for the eyelashes Every time I wink at a feather. I can't see him for the rest of the night What are we gonna do Jane? I don't know sweetie. I think it's too late to do anything now I'll see who it is Hello girl Come in Zava Oh professor your eyes are red Girls, I know there is no hope, but can I please say that this is my room when the inspector comes? Of course you can professor. You should have seen Zara's when he first saw my room What did he say? I'll get him to repeat. Zara, what did he do to the room? Bocho locho Bocho locho? Yeah, this means what a horrible mess The bgps say bocho locho when we pass a dump or an overturned trash can Girls are left in the bag in here. Oh, it's your professor and this indian scout All right. I was trying to fool you, but I want you to meet Zara's before Before they take him away from Zara's KC ladies Ask him what he thinks me All right Zara's Satipocha misses our island Bocho locho He says you have you have magnificent red hair and gorgeous figure, but the overturned ash can Uh Irma, there's a drip in the sink. Will you join it? So the little fella likes me red hair and me lovely figure. Well, isn't that nice Oh gosh Oh, that must be him. Don't fight what must be Bless him in I'm from the immigration office. Oh, hello professor Are you his wife? Well, I I'm his wife. Welcome to our home Today's our anniversary. Come here, hobby, dear and give me a great big kiss. Can we just shake hand? Don't be bashful Oh, it's better we're making a fine home for Zara's on this our 10th anniversary Come here, hobby. I'm going to kiss you for every year Well, this is what we like to find you can count on a favorable rip off. Goodbye For goodness sake, we don't really stop the kissing. He went he went already Listen, did you want me to act as your wife? Yes. Well, don't tell me how to play me part Here's another kiss Oh bojo bojo Irma and Jane will be back in a moment But first can't anything be done about triple O. Yes Here's amazing news about a scientific odor test eight out of 10 men and women stopped or definitely reduced triple O Stopped odor of body stopped odor of breath Stopped offending executive secretaries clerks even factory workers at 110 degree heat took ends chlorophyll tablets Results from hundreds and hundreds of examinations were astounding working inside the body where odors begin Ends actually prevented unpleasing odors from forming Stop triple O. Stop all three odor offenses. Yes, there's scientific proof that ends really stop triple O Keep you fresh as a daisy all over all day long You get more complete more lasting protection against triple O than from any old-fashioned body deodorant Toothpaste soap mouthwash and ends are so easy to use Safe safe as any green vegetable pleasant tasting ends contain 100 milligrams of fully effective dose of daritol chlorophyll So beware of cheaper chewing gum or candy substitutes that contain so little chlorophyll Or that failed to state their chlorophyll content on the label insist on ends chlorophyll tablets That's ends ennds trial size only 49 cents larger sizes even more economical Stop triple O with ends And little zaris is in a private boarding school out of town and there never was a happier man than the professor We're all happy. I'm happy. Mrs. O'Reilly is happy She should be the first time she's been kissed since her mother presented her to president mckinley Irma is happy. Oh, you bet I am you know why you tell them fort pierce Friends we wish to announce that an answer to my friend ermas offer last week to work as secretary for a day For the highest bidder to the march of dimes ermas friends have been responding in gratifying numbers At the present time that exists a tie for the highest bid Mr. Harry h. Caswell of springfield, massachusetts Mr. John c. Edgar of los angeles california and station wibv of belville illinois have each offered a bid of $1,000 For ermas secretary of services But folks don't forget my friend ermas offer is still on for the person who submits the highest bid to the current march of Dimes anti polio fund your friend ermas in the person of lovely marie wilson will work as secretary for a day That's right. My friend ermas marie wilson will fly to your hometown to work in your office as your secretary If you're the highest bidder to the march of dimes So send in your bid remember that's only your bid do not send any money But don't delay right of wire your bid to the march of dimes to my friend ermas cbs radio hollywood california today Perhaps you will have the opportunity to be ermas boss for a day And at the same time you will be contributing to the fight against the dread disease of infantile paralysis My friend ermas is a cy holler production and is directed by park levy who writes the script with stanley adams Pat merton is a social producer marie wilson is stars ermas and kathy lewissa jade The part of al was played by john brown On con read was heard as pro-phesic promotion Gloria gordon as mrs. O'Reilly and alan reed as mr. Clyde Music was under the direction of london buskin Tired-looking eyes can ruin your appearance make you look unattractive dull So don't take chances when eyes are red weary from lack of sleep glare driving yet I gene two soothing drops in each eye float away that tired eye feeling at once I gene is like a prescription contains lexatol acts as a tonic for the eyes Safe gentle too get I gene e y e g e and e tonight use it daily for bright attractive eyes Trial size only 25 cents larger sizes even more economical. I gene at drug counters everywhere Be with us next sunday at this time when ends america's most popular chlorophyll tablets again bring you my friend ermas Oh caruso speaking Now stay tuned for armistice.com My friend ermas was transcribed this is the cbs radio network