 starring Raymond Burr as Captain Lee Quince, specially transcribed tales of the dark and tragic ground of the wild frontier, the saga of fighting men who rode the rim of empire, and the dramatic story of Lee Quince, Captain of Cavalry. Might as well stay mounted, Sergeant. Looks like the stage is ready. Yes, sir. I'll talk to the agent. Morning, Mr. Church. Good morning, Captain. Did you come for them? My orders say to meet Mr. and Mrs. Horace Quiring at the Red Cloud Agency and escort them to Fort Laramay. Good. Is that their stage outside? It is. Did you hear me say good? I heard you. Good. That's good for their leaving and good for good riddance, too. Bureau of Indian Affairs bothering you, Mr. Church? Bothering's a small word, Captain. I won't try to spell it all out for you. You wouldn't believe me if I did. Suffice it to say, I am played out. Well, if they're ready. The Indians are played out, too. What's the matter with them? You don't know these folks at all? The major says Mr. Quiring has something to do with the Bureau of Indian Affairs. Basket weaving, dancing, law and culture studies, fire making, Indian mythology. Oh, I tell you, Captain, we've had a busy couple of weeks. Well, if he wants to learn about the Indians, he'd... Captain, he's been teaching. He's been teaching the Indians how to make baskets? That's the least of it. Him and his Mrs. Too touched up a few of the tribal dances and that gussies... I'll say, your orders don't mention Gussie. Gussie? She's their niece. A great hand to go around and make fire as rubbing a couple of dry sticks together. Showed the Indians how, did she? Oh, they was amazed. Oh, you wouldn't leave Gussie here. Well, I mean, seeing her name ain't set down in your orders. Oh, you wouldn't do a trick like that, me, Captain. I'll take him home. Oh, good. Of course, that poses a problem, too. How's that? You gotta find them first. They lost? Always. Let's go, Captain. Can you see them yet? I make out three heads up at the top of the rocks. Guess they're heads. That's the querying. From the distance, there's always some question. Then you get close up and... Oh, I've got to rest. Oh, dear. I'm getting lightheaded. I don't see how they got up that high. Especially the women. No, you don't. You've got to catch them in the act to believe it. And then you'd swear you hadn't seen it. Oh, active. Mighty active. Well, I'll go up and get them. Can't keep the patrols sitting around all morning. I figured they're your responsibility now, Captain. I've done all I can do. And in some. We'll pick you up on our way down. Mr. Querying. I never hoped for this. Truly a legopus mutus. Watch your Latin, Gussie. Legopus leucuras. This is strictly speaking, of course. It's a rupestrus. But you can't blame the girls for being carried away. You talking about that bird there on the ledge? I know you're going to tell me it's a white-tailed ptarmigan. But in bird circles it's a... It's a grouse. Well, yes, if you want to be blunt, it's a grouse. Horus? Right here, Winifred. Only in the broadest sense is the ptarmigan a grouse. Again, again, I'll give you nothing more. Remember, Uncle Horus? Aunt Winifred's last paper before the Ornithological Society definitely established the ptarmigan as a gallinacious bird akin to the grouse. Oh, you see, man, you want to have your facts well in hand before you take on the querying girls. Oh, by the way, who are you? I'm Captain Quince. I'm in charge of your cavalry escort to Fort Larimer. Oh, yes, indeed, of course. Well, now, I'm Horus' querying. Oh, and this is my wife, Winifred, and my niece, Augusta. We call her Gussie. Gussie. A girl's Captain Quince. Ma'am, Miss... Chickans, Captain. Yes, ma'am. My goodness, Quince. Well, she's thinking of the Australian black ash. Oh? Indeed, I'm not, Uncle Horus. We studied the Quince at the seminary. I'm thinking more in terms of the pear-shaped fruit of the Pyrus Sidonius. Well, she has you there, Horus. Oh, yeah, I warn you, Captain. They keep a man on his pace. Well, shall we make our dissent? Yes, I kind of think we better. Maybe it's a little early for them to have breakfast, Lee. For the querings? They probably struck out before dawn and roasted a buffalo on an open fire. A fire Gussie made rubbing two dry sticks together. I know you don't like your assignment, Lee, but there's no cause to exaggerate. I thought the Indian agent was exaggerating, too. They seem like perfectly nice people to me. Pleasant, close-knit family. You spent five minutes with them. Never got past how to do. Mrs. Daggett was leaving on the stage. I explained that. It's all right. Maybe it's better you find out for yourself. The Indian agent says they know more about Indians than the Indians do. They might start telling us how to run the guard mount. I wish they'd come. I'm starved. Maybe they're lost. Oh, that's ridiculous. The Indian agent says they're always lost. They go climbing around a lot, looking for birds and things. Well, they're not lost this time. Here's Mr. Quiring. Well, my goodness. Oh, don't you bother getting up for me, Major and Captain. Morning, Mr. Quiring. Morning, sir. Oh, isn't it? Sit down, Mr. Quiring. Thank you. All right. Well, now, how nice. So this is the officer's mess, isn't it? That's right. Would you like some coffee while we're waiting? Oh, I'd love some coffee. A good cup of coffee to you. Waiting for the ladies. And the ladies? For Mrs. Quiring, Miss Gussie. Oh, the girls, the girls. See, where are they? Well, I just supposed you'd all be together. We were? We were. But that was at breakfast. I haven't seen the girls since breakfast. A little raspy in the throat, are we, Captain? No, I sort of choked. You want to watch that? That's bad business. You've had breakfast, Mr. Quiring. Goodness, yes. Why, it's after seven, Major. Oh, it was a good breakfast, too. It was outdoors, you know, open fire. All the sounds of the aurora as the sun came up and shone with its full glory on Laramie Peak. You say in open fire, Mr. Quiring? Yes, Gussie insists on an open fire. Ever since she learned how to... Well, the things young ladies learn in seminars these days. Well, I'd just open your eyes then. Mind telling us what you had for breakfast? Oh, glad to. Winifred's department, you know, the food. She made the boast, but to tell you the truth, I never thought she'd bag it. Well, sir, she wasn't up in that canyon five minutes until... Bang, bang! Oh, I'm sorry, I hope I didn't frighten you, Major. Oh, no, no, no, I'm all right. Bang, bang, what, Mr. Quiring? Oh, breakfast, yes, breakfast. It wasn't a buffalo by any chance. Oh, no, no, no, a buffalo. I don't believe Winifred could have bagged a buffalo. No, it wasn't a buffalo. No, I didn't think it would be. No, it was an antelope. See, that is a bad throat you've got there, Captain. I guess it comes from exaggerating things. Wouldn't you say, Major? I've got some business to attend to. Better get over to headquarters. But you haven't had your breakfast, Major. Well, I'm not hungry. Oh, no, no, I'll bet Winifred could tempt you with some of that antelope. Oh, my, delicate succulents. I hoped their foray into the woods was successful. I couldn't go with them. You see, I was most anxious. What foray into what woods, Mr. Quiring? What woods? Now, wait, just let me get my bearings. Now, which way is north? That way. Oh, that's splendid. Yes, that's it. There are some woods to the north, and last time I saw the girls, they were... Captain Quintz, you're to form a search party immediately. Take what men you need. Search part? Why? The land to the north is Indian country, Mr. Quiring. Of course, that's why they went. Oh, my goodness, a search. You speak as if the girls are lost. We're speaking as if they're in danger, Mr. Quiring. Those woods are full of Arapaho, Shoshone, Crow. Oh, I don't think they'll bother the girls. But I am glad you mentioned that. I've been meaning to have a chat with you concerning the perimeter defense of the fort. Captain. Yes, sir. Move out. Yes, now, Major. Right away, sir. I noticed last night a tattoo. It seemed to me it would make the slightest difference. I wonder if I understood you correctly, Captain. We're to look up in the trees as well. You understood me, Mr. Cybert. Up in the trees, up on rock ledges, up on cliffs. The ladies climb, sir? Climb or fly, I don't know. But you pick a spot no one can get to, except maybe an eagle, and it'll be there. Head of us, Mr. Cybert. Sounds like a grizzly. Like no grizzly I ever heard. Put your right foot down, Mr. Cybert. Let's give him a hand. It's an Indian, Captain. My poor devil. Somebody stuffed a gag in his mouth, and what's all this he's caught in? That, Mr. Cybert, is a butterfly in that. A butt? Well, how on earth? Here, give me a hand. Yes, sir. Let's get that kerchief out of his mouth. No. No kill. No kill. You're all right. We're not gonna kill you. What are we caught on, Mr. Cybert? It's a handle or something, sir. Trapped down this brush. You let go. I run. I no come here again. You let go. White squaws, crazy. Yeah, I think you're right. Look where she is. Clear up at the top of the... I told you, Mr. Cybert. You better come down from there, Mrs. Quiring. No, no. You not let her down here again. I run. White squaw full of bad spirits. Shut up. Young man. Keep working, Mr. Cybert. Let him go when you get him free. I'll go up and get the... the girls. I heard you, Mrs. Quiring. And you deliberately let him go. After I told you, he bothered us. He won't bother you anymore. See, down there, he's running like fired on. They've flown at Winifred. But with all the commotion, who can blame them? Indeed. Indeed, first the Indian. And we silenced him. But now, Mr. Gussie, something important, Captain. Ma'am. Ma'am, you got to understand a few things about the West, about Indians, about Army garrisons. Well, now, if that isn't what we're trying, our level best to do, Captain Quince, and how better to do it than by going directly to nature, studying the birds of flight, the animals. Miss Gussie. Yes? Miss Gussie, this is Indian country. You're not allowed to go directly to nature in Indian country, not if you're a white woman. Now that's plain silly. It's a treaty, says so, Mrs. Quiring. Took a long time talking, negotiating, giving and taking. And finally, it was decided the Indians were the only ones with rights to this land. The Indian didn't mean us any harm, did you think, Aunt Winifred? Fear this thing from his mind. He was nosy, that's all. Gussie and I had stolen up on... Now, mind what I tell you, Captain. We'd stolen up on a bittern, a sharp-shinned hawk. Aunt Winifred, your language. I'm breaking it down for the Captain. Remember the problem we had earlier about what he called a grouse? Oh, of course. Ma'am, if you'll let me get a word in. A bittern, a sharp-shinned hawk, a goshawk, a bald eagle, and a crow. A crow, Aunt Winifred? The Indian was a crow, wasn't he, Captain? Yes, ma'am. He was a crow. And to use her words, Major, when the crow persisted in making so much noise, we did the only reasonable thing. That's when they dropped a butterfly net on him and gagged him with a kerchief. Wait a minute. I've lost track. Is this crow a bird or a... Indian. Captain, the Army's been my life for 15 years. But this business with the choirings may bring it to an untimely conclusion. I'm about to write Washington and if they send another party out here in the name of investigating anything, I'll resign. How long the choiring's going to be putting up here? He hasn't said. But this is an order, Captain. From now on, I'm assigning you to a full-time watch in the three of them. We can't always be sending search parties out to find them. There's no watch in the three of them at one time. They got away a pair and off or striking out alone. Sign a man to each of them. But I want them accounted for at all times. Hope we don't have any Indian uprisings before they leave. Couldn't spare the men to fight them. Oh, no. That'd be Mrs. Quirey. What on earth is she doing with Sergeant Gors? Talking to him, anyway. I'd have to get closer to find out what about. You go ahead, Captain. I'm going over to the Suttlers. I just remembered that Mrs. Daggett's out of a hatpin. What's she saying, all right? It won't direct statements. Let me make this nice Sergeant understand. What's wrong, Sergeant? I don't rightly know, Captain, something about the way I walk or don't walk or something. The ladies, she... Oh, you two haven't met? Formally? Well, now we... She just come on me, talking. Allow me, Mrs. Quiring. This is Sergeant Gors. She can, Sergeant. Yes, ma'am. Now then, did you say Gors? Yes, ma'am. That's my name, Gors. Wonderful! Cassie and Horace, a quince and the Gors on the same army post. Oh, I can't wait. This is too good to keep. You'll excuse me. Yes, ma'am. And don't forget, Sergeant, Toa... She sure got a burr somewhere, isn't she? Maybe. I... You think I walk funny, Captain? I'm beginning to think everyone's a little funny around here, one way or another. Hmm. What's your name? What's she going on about my name for? She knows what it means. Well, what does it mean? I don't know. Me, I got a couple of choices. They can't decide if I'm an Australian black ash or the pear-shaped fruit of the pyrus sedonia. Captain, I'm going to go get me some beer. See you practice on the way over, Sergeant. I don't forget. Toe out. Now, you just got to make up your mind We can't come looking for you every now and then. Well, I've never lost, you know. Never. I always know where I am. I have maps and charts. Well, it's more that I don't know where you are. Holdin' your loss. No, sir. I'm not. I'm just... Oh, well, that's a different matter entirely. Don't worry. I'll get his back. I have maps and charts and things. Can't understand Winifred, though. That's my wife, Winifred. Yes, sir. It's not like her to steer me wrong this way. Usually, Winifred's word is her bond. She says something, it's true, but this time she... By the way, I don't believe I caught your name, Sergeant. My name's Gorse. Oh, yes, Sergeant. Oh, that's a fine name. Imagine you're quite proud of her. Did you say Gorse? I sure did. Oh, my. That's a good one. Now, the joke's on me, Sergeant. It is, huh? Well, that didn't steer me wrong at all. She said, oh, my, this is wretched. Yes, it is, this is wretched. She was telling me about the Gorse, you see. And I was quite naturally excited about that. Why? Well, for a good reason. I assure you. You don't run into Gorse every day, you know. Well, I don't, but... Now, look here, Mr. Quire. And I quite naturally assumed that Winifred was referring to the common furs or wind. And that's why I struck out to see it. Perhaps snip a sample or two. I sure don't know what you're talking about. And your wife. I hear everything she says, and I don't know what she's talking about, neither. Well, then as I rode out, I got to thinking, perhaps Winifred wasn't referring to the common furs or wind at all. Yes, I said, well, it's been years since I read her paper on the Gorse, but I remember the main points, all right? So, let me see now. There's the Gorse Linnit, the Gorse Chat, Gorse Hatch, Gorse Hatcher, and Gorse Hatcher. What are you talking about? All them Gorses. Oh, my. Oh, no, say. Oh, shame on me. Well, I never remember to keep it simple for the lemur. Well, I never remember. Well, to begin at the beginning again, we're back now to the furs and the wind. That's very like Juniper. That last bunch with all them Gorses in front of her. Birds? Yeah, birds, songbirds, many of them. You like birds, is that what you're saying? You are like birds, oh, my dear Gorse. Birds and I, oh, I'm sorry, but a sergeant named Gorse, Winifred will just have to do a paper on that. Oh, we got a lot more interest in birds than that out here. You do. Oh, sure. Well, you don't want to mess around with common old Gorses when you can come up on a, uh, say, the Jayhawk. Yeah. He flies backwards, you know. Backwards? Then there's the Mugwump. Mugwump? Mm-hmm. Did you say Mugwump? My goodness, I thought they were extinct. Oh, no. No, we got them all over out here. Then there's the three-footed Firebird. Three-footed? Stands on one, rubs his other two together, makes fires. Gussy will be thrilled. I just can't believe this. That's why I come up here, Captain. They're really leaving. That's what they say, pushing farther west on the trail of a three-footed Firebird. I told them California, up high in the Sierra. At least, why, it's the last covey I saw was there. All right. Captain, Mrs. Quiron's going to give you full credit on her paper about them. You better count heads here. There's Mr. Quiron talking to the major. Well, I seen Mrs. Quiron not two minutes ago. She was helping the squad do some Indian beadwork. She isn't doing it now. Find her, of course. Oh, now, she ain't run away again, Captain. I want them all three on that stage, Sergeant. Yes, sir. Keep an eye out for Miss Gussy while you're at it, Sergeant. Yes, sir. Captain? Yes, Mr. Quiron? Well, now, I wouldn't want to miss shaking your hand in farewell, Captain. The stage is packed. I've said my goodbyes to the major. Can you lose something? Your wife, and I don't see Miss Gussy either. Well, now, let me see. Well, if I were Winifred, now, where would I go? I always begin that way easy, and then I let my mind function as if it were Winifred's mind. The Root House. Never mind the settlers. That far? Well, when we were... What's she doing at the Root House? You didn't know. She found a small flowering gorse and thought it only failed. Never mind. What now? It's Miss Gussy, Captain. Yes, see, Captain. We're all accounted for. There's no problem. I'm afraid there is, sir. It seems Miss Gussy was demonstrating how quickly she... Well, they don't think it's too serious, but under the circumstances, they took her to the post-hospital. Hospital? Under what circumstances, Mr. Cybertz? Burned hands, Captain. But the doctor says in a few days she'll be able to travel. In a few days. Mr. Cybertz, this is an order. For the next few days, no dry sticks for Miss Gussy. Now move out. The book, The Fort Laundromat, is produced and directed by Norman Macdonald and stars Raymond Burr as Lee Quince, Captain of Cavalry, with Vic Perram as Sergeant Gorse. The script was specially written for Fort Laundromat by Kathleen Hyte with sound patterns by Bill James and Tom Henley, musical supervision by Amorigo Moreno. Featured in the cast were Howard McNeer, Virginia Gregg, Parley Bear, Shirley Mitchell and John Daener. Jack Moyles is Major Daggett and Harry Bartell is Lieutenant Cybertz. Company, tension, dismiss. Next week, another transcribed story of the Northwest Frontier and the troopers who fought under Lee Quince, Captain of Cavalry. Yours truly, Johnny Dollar, is no signature on a Valentine. Not that our danger-loving insurance investigator is opposed to romance. It's just that the detective's profession calls for a pragmatic approach to life if he wants to go on living. That's why, no matter how lovely a lady may be, no matter how attracted to her Johnny Dollar may be, solving the particular case he's working on always takes precedence over sentiment. The case he's working on now calls for courage as well as caution and it's a baffling mystery thriller you'll enjoy following clue by clue as you listen to yours truly, Johnny Dollar, Monday through Friday evening on most of the same CBS radio stations.