 Now, I'm so excited for today's toolbox episode. I know we haven't done one in a while, and this is a topic that is so important, especially in light of today, many of us struggling to connect with one another. And I know, Michael, this is an experience that some of our students, even an X factor, recently had in going through the storytelling implementation session, and this problem presents itself over and over again when we try to relate with people. And that's people focus on facts and not the emotions. Yeah, that's what we what what the guys so discovered in the implementation session, like you said, you could see like eyes pop open after they realized this where just for our listeners, what we did in the workshop for X factor accelerator was that we did a small group with breakout rooms and we we had like 90 minutes to work on people's ability to give answers that are engaging. And what they did in the first round, I gave them the prompt, what did you do in the weekend? And they would say, well, I did, I got up at this time, and then I did this, and then I did this, and then I did this. And then I was like, OK, and now let's change this around. And at the end of the workshop, you could see like people watching the presentation with such an interest. They really wanted to hear how the story like what's coming out of the weekend story. And I'm really excited to cover some of those techniques here with with this toolbox up. I wanted to add to this, that speaking through emotions isn't something that we normally tend to do. In fact, there is not only are we running our own classes and implementation sessions and workshops at this, but I mean, there are college classes in communication and marketing where you have to learn to speak this way, because that is how we sell. And let's be honest, we're always selling. You're selling ideas, you're selling concepts, you're selling relationships, you are selling products, it's all cells. And so to get better at your communication and be able to speak through emotion allows you to be not only a better salesman, a better leader, better strategist, somebody who who is able to bring others peak their interest and get them on board. So this is influence and persuasion as well. And that's just it. It's not about the data exchange. When it comes to connecting with someone, we have to connect beyond the data level and connect on that emotional level. Now, what I love about our clients is many of them come from highly analytical backgrounds, like myself as a scientist. I was trained to follow the data, not speak emotionally and not think about the emotions at work. So many of our clients come to us with this exact same frame of reference where most of their lives, they go into work and they analyze facts and information and they have to make critical decisions. But we don't do that when we're connecting with people, when we're trying to relate to one another. We can't be analyzing and hanging on every word. We have to look a layer deeper and find that emotional connection with that other person. And that's the best part about it. We all share a range of emotions. So when we can use emotions to illustrate a time in our life through story, we can engage those emotions and others and feel more connected. I also I don't want to take from anyone who does analytical work where they're putting together data that's incredibly important. But the story that you package the data into becomes what people gravitate towards. And the data only backs up the emotions that they feel from the story that's put together. So this is why both of these are incredibly important. And then if you're going to do anything, you want to make sure that the data and the logic is there. But the the emotional ties are there because I and this is something that I've said in all of our classes. Everybody is well aware of the logic and the data that is presented with a lot of ideas. For instance, everybody knows that smoking is bad for you. And if you ask everyone on the street that you see light up a cigarette and ask them, is that good for you? What do you think they're going to tell you? Well, no, no, not at all. Now, but if they know that it's bad for them, why is it so incredibly difficult for them to quit? Because they're not emotionally tied to the to the benefits of quitting. They have to get emotionally tied to the journey and everything else that comes with working through that addiction. And your emotions is what motivates you and fires you up and helps you work through all the negative emotions that are coming with that addiction. This is another thing. If you wanted to go to the gym or you wanted to start eating right, you better wrap it up in a great story so you can emotionally get engaged. I have such a vivid example of this playing out in my own life when I just started out as a public speaker. I was complete, a complete novice still. And there was this event I got invited to that was you both are going to love this. This was a rock concert with in between bands. They would bring up a speaker to talk. And this is what happened. So a band plays, everyone's dancing, everyone's drinking. And then a speaker like goes on stage and delivers like blah, blah, blah. And everyone turns their phone on and then it was my turn and the music stopped as like, OK, now it's my turn to go on stage. And I go on stage and I look in the audience and I get introduced as this is Michael is a speaker. He's been doing this, he's been doing that and all the phones come up. Like you could see people's faces being lit up by their smartphones and they turn around and the whispers start. And then I start my story. And after all the boring intro points, I go like, this is, you know, this is what happened to me. This is what this is what happened when I was a child. This is what what I learned. And this is how I felt. And this and the phones vanished, beer vanished. It got really quiet. Like people were dabbing at their eyes. They were like hugging each other and two minutes later, like the entire room was quiet. And that was because I switched from the data over to the emotion that I wanted to get across. It reminds me of back in my early scientific career, the importance of the story that goes along with those slides and the presentation that you're doing to present the data, the facts, the figures, the graphs. That is all important. But at the end of the day, we have to put it together in a story to convey those principles and that information to people for them to hold on to it. And that's what we're talking about here. We're talking about becoming memorable enough that someone feels connected to you. And I talked to so many guys and gals for this matter who are feeling disconnected right now, feeling like they have a lot of surface level relationships, feeling like they lack a depth of connection, people they could trust. And I know, Michael, we've talked about these facts and figures countless times with countless guests about how many of us right now are going through life not feeling connected, not feeling like we have those deep ties. And I trace a lot of it back to these initial conversations where we're not listening intently. We're only hanging on the data. Why? Because we're so concerned with how we're going to appear and what people are going to think about us. So we listen at the data level and then we try to relate at the data level and then we walk away from that conversation and being like, well, I don't know. Should I reach out to that person? We don't walk away from that conversation feeling, oh, that was amazing. I can't wait to see this person again. And that's a fault of our own because we are being lazy when it comes to listening. We're so worried about ourselves. We're turning internally and focusing on what am I going to say next that we're not paying attention to that emotional part of the story. That's so key. And when you start listening to it in conversation with others, you start picking up on it in TV and in media and all these other places where emotion carries a story. Then all of a sudden, you can start adding it yourself into the interaction and change much like you saw in that implementation session exactly how you explain just your morning or how your day went. Yeah, exactly. I always like to explain it like this. Like if you need facts and data, you usually turn to Google or any other search engine. Now, how much of a personal connection do you have with your search engine? None, it's a tool. So if you rely on facts and data to make a personal connection with a person you're looking at, how is that going to work through data and facts? Well, there are three levels of rapport that we should understand because for a lot of people, they tend to think that if they're going to connect with somebody emotionally, that it needs to be heavy. But the actuality, Brene Brown coined the term floodlighting where you start dumping a bunch of heavy-duty emotional stuff off on other people and expect them to take it in for this connection. But in actuality, that sense, that is like where there's a saying of boiling the frog slowly turning it up. That's throwing hot water on the frog. He's out of there. So we also want to make sure that the conversation is opening up for both people. And so how we set this up is I like to think of it as for two people who are going to connect, they're going to go on an emotional journey together. So let's use this as an example. What I like to use is the cave metaphor. So two people meet and they decide, well, hey, I sort of kind of like you and you sort of kind of like me. I think we should connect emotionally. I think we should build some vulnerability here together, some rapport. And so we walk up to what I like to call is the rapport cave. Now, this cave is dark. It's scary. And in order for us to build rapport, we have to walk into this together and we have to trust each other. Now, if I don't know you, one of us has to lead. And if I'm going to be the man where I'm going to take control over this situation, then I'm going to walk up to the cave and I'm going to need to walk in there first. I can't expect to lead you to this dark cave and then ask you to step right in. You're not going to feel very good about that. So I have to walk in and then I have to shine the flashlight around to show you that being vulnerable in order for us to connect and create a rapport together is okay. So I'm going to do that first. Now, there are three levels to vulnerability and you can look at it as deep as we're going to go into this cave. So the first level of vulnerability is what we call light disclosure. This is light, amusing, fun anecdotes about myself and the world around me that don't carry much risk with it. The risk is that the information, the emotions that I'm giving you can be used to manipulate me. So for instance, I always use this example, which is it's third grade, I'm at the cafeteria, I'm hanging out with my friends and we're all laughing and we're all carrying on and I go to shake my chocolate milk and in that moment that I started shaking it, I realized that I had already opened it. So milk goes everywhere. I'm completely embarrassed. Now, I'm telling you this story at 46 years old. So there are emotional bids in this story of embarrassment, humiliation, and these are the emotions that I'm sharing about this scenario. But yet, that has happened so long ago that I'm detached from any of those emotions. So the risk involved is rather low, but yet each one of you has a story that you can relate to about this very moment. And so after I finish that story, after I walk into the cave and I shine the flashlight around, you might say, hey, I got a story too, or you think that's embarrassing, check out what happened to me in fifth grade. So I've walked in, I've shined the light around and I've shown that it's quite all right and I'm not risking much here. There's very little risk involved in light disclosure. And so the next level is what they call medium disclosure. So I will further walk it down the cave. And if you are sharing story for story with me, then I can feel good that you're risking just as much as I am. And if there are light rapport stories, if it's light disclosure, that risk isn't much, but it's enough for me to feel comfortable that you are engaged in this conversation, you're contributing to it as much as I am. So if I want to deepen this and I see that you're matching me, then I feel good to reasonable to believe that it's safe enough for me to move into the next level of this rapport. So this is what we call medium disclosure. And medium disclosure is beliefs, ideas, feelings and opinions about myself and the world around me. Do you guys see how that criteria is different than the criteria of light disclosure? Especially in today's environment. Absolutely. And you can also see in today's climate how speaking about my beliefs, my opinions and my feelings about my place in the world around me, what a risk that is. So that vulnerability, especially today, starts to amp up. Now, here's the situation. If you've been sharing in light disclosure when we've been walking along, for me, I can feel good that you'll be following along. And even if we differ in these beliefs, in these ideas, that I feel safe enough that you'll then share yours and then we'll find some common ground. And in order to find that common ground, we both have to share this vulnerability, these ideas. But once we find that common ground, we've now tied tighter to the rapport of medium disclosure, something that has more risk involved and because it has more risk involved, we're now closer. And that's just it, about that risk, it involves emotion. Absolutely. And there is plenty of emotion to how the world works around you and your place in it. And this goes to what you were saying, AJ, about past, present, and future. If we start talking about dreams and aspirations or how I might view the world around me through incidents that might have happened in my past, I'm offering up a lot of vulnerability here, which is putting me at risk. But as I've said, you've been sharing along with me from the beginning of this journey, so I should feel safe. And then lastly, now that we've bonded there, then the next place for this, and this is where a lot of people jump to, and I wanna preface this, that with high levels of disclosure, you're speaking about the understandable human weakness, your fears and insecurities about yourself and the world around you. And that we definitely share all these, but you can imagine if you have what I fear in life or what my insecurities are, then you have a lot of power over me, and not only that. Think about everything that you have that you can use to manipulate me. This is vulnerability. This is the risk involved. I'm giving you this. Now, most relationships are not worked through deep disclosure, high disclosure. They're usually in low and medium. It's for the relationships that you are trying to deepen through, like you're gonna share these type of things with your best friends, people that you have very long important connected relationships with, your wives, your trusted confidants, these people have access to this. And the reason that there is a rapport built on that is that you've earned that deep, that high disclosure. You have earned it through familiarity. You have earned it through risking the vulnerability through time and other stories. And I wanna also set up here that a lot of people when they learn about these levels, of course, you're gonna wanna go out and play with this stuff. And one of the questions that always comes up is I have been enjoying using these techniques and these tactics and these ideas of rapport. And what I have found is a lot of people are afraid to walk into the deeper section with me. And what's important to understand is just because you know and understand this stuff and wanna play with it, doesn't mean that other people are willing to open up to that degree. And when you understand this and you learn about it, it's fresh, it's exciting, you wanna see it work, but you cannot force this stuff on to other people if they're not ready because that will cause, rather than connection, it'll cause resentment. So recapping and I think this is important to understand because I know many when they hear, oh, I just need to ask deeper questions right away. They'll go run and start peppering heavier and heavier questions into the interaction, but they're treating it like that dark cave. They're pointing at the hole and saying, hey, go crawl in there for me. They're not shining the flashlight. And that's why, yes, it is important for us to ask deeper questions, but we also have to be willing to go in that cave and shine the flashlight and let other people feel comfortable answering those questions that require a level of vulnerability. What are your aspirations? What are your goals, your dreams, right? Now we're resonating on positive emotions. And of course, we wanna be sharing those as well in these conversations. The best way to deepen a relationship is to share your own hopes and dreams and aspirations and not expect others to just jump in and lead the way. That is you walking in first and shining the light. So for example, Michael, let's say that you and I have met. We've walked up to the cave of rapport. You seem like a guy who's on the level. I'd like to form a relationship with you. So I'm gonna ask. You were into a cave? Yeah, I'm gonna ask you a question, right? And maybe you feel comfortable. We've been chatting so you walk in a little bit and then I ask you another one. And you're like, so you answer that question. And then I ask you another one. And now you have walked how many steps into the cave and I haven't, I'm not next to you. I'm not by your side. In fact, the farther you go down, the less light from my flashlight is lighting up the room. I wanna use that example there. And I want to, how does that work in real life? Well, it works in real life because I've seen this so many times and this irritates me that people get stuck in their head in order to have better conversations, you need to ask better questions. And that's true to a degree, but it doesn't stop at the question asking. And we see this happen over and over and over again, where somebody read something and the only thing that clicked or that stuck with them is ask better questions. So now they're question machines. And I can tell you from doing this job as long as I have, and you can imagine for all the programs that we have done over 15 years when guys get to the house and they meet AJ and myself and if you've been with us with this, Michael, they start asking a lot of questions. Well, of course they're excited to be there. There's a lot of unknowns that are about to happen. And we let everyone, we still let everyone out chill out or we start asking them questions back because it can feel invasive and interrogative when you just start getting question after question after question and the other party isn't sharing. And even though we all understand this and what's going on, it still feels invasive. And I know Michael, you have an interesting study that was done around exactly this point. Oh yeah, like I love, I live all the studies. So what am I even saying? But I love this one. And it's titled the experimental generation of interpersonal closeness. And it was done by Arthur Aaron in 1997. And what they did in the study was they had a group of people and they split them into two groups. And in one group, there would always be two people and they would ask each other small talk questions like what's your favorite TV show? And in the other group, they would also have pairs of two but those questions would become more and more personal over time. So they would start off with, what's your favorite TV show? But then it would slowly go over into when was the last time you cried? What's something you'll regret if you don't do in your lifetime and things like that. And what they found in the end was that they asked the participants, how close do you feel with that person? You just had this short little 40 minute conversation. How close do you guys feel? And those that had the shallow questions, they're like, nah, it was nice. But those that were in the other group that had the more and more personal questions, they were really close. Like sometimes they became closer than with some of their best friends and they stayed in touch. And in that study, like one pair even got engaged afterwards. And for those of you listening, when you think, wait, this sounds a little bit familiar. This study was kind of the basis for air quotes, the 36 questions that will make you fall in love with everyone. That was kind of the study that sparked this. And I think it's so, so interesting to see that we all rely on those small talk questions. And we talk about the weather and the weekend and the TV show. And then we wonder that, why I'm not feeling connected to that person? Well, you know, here's your answer because you talk about TV shows and the weather. And those questions tend to focus on the present. What's going on with you right now? What's going on with you today? And if you think about the questions in that study and why they're so powerful, they focus on the emotions of the past. They focus on the emotions and the aspirations of the future. And when you can start to transition and talk about all three states of time, your past, your present and your future, that's how we can start generating deeper connections of people. Yeah, there's, I often find that with this crave metaphor that people want this list of the perfect questions to ask and then to add to that, they also want the list with the perfect answers to each of those questions. Now, how entertaining is that going to make that conversation? Because I'll give you an example that I like to use in core confidence is of a situation in a conversation where you, AJ, have the perfect answer and you're absolutely sure that it's the correct answer. This is what happens. We have a conversation and I go, what do you say? My perfect answer, obviously. Yeah, and how predictable would that be? Like, it's perfect, right? You know exactly what to say. Bless you, Gesundheit, whatever, Salute. And it would add nothing to the conversation because it's just perfectly scripted. Nothing, nothing added. And so this is where the confidence part comes in or the leaving your comfort zone in a conversation where sometimes you don't know if that question is going to be the right one. Maybe that question is going to make the other person stop in their track as they're walking into the cave. Maybe it elicits an answer that throws you a little bit off track. But that is the beauty of being on that conversational floor that this is not mechanistic where every step is predicted 100 steps into the future. It's like, I could ask Johnny something and get an answer that completely surprises me or the other way around. And you can't do that if you want to hold on to something that lets you exactly predict how the other person is going to react. I mean, if you think about relationships in your life currently, the ones that you feel deeply connected with, did they all start the same? Did every one of those relationships follow the same conversational thread? Oh, Michigan, oh, graduate school, oh, biology, oh, you love football? No, not at all. They all beautifully unraveled in their own unique ways where you found connection through emotion and through sharing stories. And all of a sudden that deeper connection was formed, but it wasn't formulaic. I created a deep friendship with Johnny, but I can't use those exact same questions and answers and stories with you, Michael. It doesn't work that way. No, not really. So it's important that we realize the art in what we're talking about here and deepening the connections around us. If you come at this saying, hey, what are these perfect questions? AJ, just give me that list of 36 questions that I'm done. Bang, I'm out. I got what I need from this podcast. Well, what you're actually missing out on is the deepening of the connection. You'll end up stuck in that surface level formation of relationships that we hear time and time again from the clients that work with us. And that's frustrating because we're not coming in with the curiosity that we need to spark the deeper connection. If it's boring small talk, if it's who, what, where, when type questions and you're just hanging on to that information, well, the other person isn't gonna feel inspired to share anything else. They're not gonna feel inspired to move to medium disclosure. And of course, they're not gonna remember that from the thousands of other small talk conversations they've had throughout their life. And when we ask deeper questions, what we're in turn doing is we're actually working on the second point, the second most important thing. And that's finding the why. We need to really start to understand the why people are behaving the way they are, why they're sharing what they're sharing with us and our own why. So we can bring that into the conversation. And when we're able to share our why and get a greater understanding of the other person's why behind their behaviors, their actions, their beliefs, their experiences, well, that enriches the relationship. But of course, we're not used to that level of disclosure. It's a scary cave to enter, to share our why, to talk about what's important to us. And in turn, we're not in tune with it so we're not curiously looking forward in others. And to add to that, we started this conversation by discussing storytelling and storytelling in implementation class. And this is the thing. If you have a program then to your mind that all I need to do is be a better question asker and I'm going to make better connections. Well, then you haven't done any work for to get comfortable with your own levels of risk and vulnerability. And this is the hidden gem and think about it. I think this is why a lot of people get this idea of ask better questions for a better connection in their head because they don't have to really do any work. The work that they're doing is low risk. Ask better questions. Put all the efforts on the other person. And there's this other line that I think that lends itself to this that sticks in everybody's heads that everyone's favorite subjects is themselves. And if you can get them talking about themselves then they'll end up doing all the work. That is true. But you have to, you have to create a safe place for them to want to begin to talk about themselves because if that has not been set up, they will remain closed. You're not going to get information out of them. And every time that you push to get more information they're going to close that much more. Yeah, and here's the thing. Like most people, as we've discussed in the main reason why people don't make a connection, most people aren't even used to sharing about them. They're not used to being in that cave and you can't really push them in either. So here's a carrot that you can use to kind of treat them to stepping into the cave. And I just love this technique. And so what I would do with this technique that it's one of the things that we teach at the X Factor Accelerator and Core Confidence as well is that you look at the emotional, you actually ask about the emotional content of what's happening in that story. So for example, AJ might have traveled before, the entire zombie apocalypse that's happening right now. He might have happened to travel to Paris and then he comes back from Paris and I could ask him, well, what did you eat there? What was your schedule like? What was the street like? What was this? And then he would give me those facts, right? We landed at 8.30 PM. I had intercontinental breakfast. The hotel was this large. This was the price of lunch and so on. Or I could say, what was it like to be in Paris? Now I get AJ's view on this. Or he could tell me all the facts about being in the Louvre and seeing the Mona Lisa up on the wall. And I could say, wait, how long did you have to wait? How many people were there in the room? Or I could say, what was it like to see the Mona Lisa? What did you like most about Paris? And that questions like that and can be as simple as what did you like most? That it can be as simple as that. And what that now allows me to do is I can see the world through AJ's eyes. Because if the three of us, if we ever travel to Paris and we have exactly the same itinerary and we go exactly to the same restaurants, museums, hotels, and then people ask us in the usual way, what did you do? We would tell them exactly the same story. But if that person asks each one of us, what was it like to be in Paris, you get a different story. Because for me, it would be, I don't know, the art. For AJ, it's the street vendors and the paintings that they have there. And for Johnny, it's the music. And suddenly you get three people that did exactly the same thing. But you get three different stories. And so once you train yourself to ask the other person that question that helps them look for the why they do certain things and why they like certain things and why they stayed in that hotel, that's when you get that light push towards disclosure. And the other person gets used to sharing a little bit more of what's going on inside instead of just the outside. And this is also a beautiful thing just for everyday question. So I could ask, and we can actually do this here. I'm curious for your answers. I could ask you, what's your favorite movie? And then what would I get, AJ? Just the favorite movie. Fly Club. And Johnny. Over the Edge. All right. For me, it's Star Wars. The Empire Strikes Back. So now we don't really know. Now we can just ask the next question, right? What's your favorite food? How many siblings do you have? Or we could change that question around a little bit. And I ask you, Johnny or AJ, why is Fly Club your favorite movie? What do you like most about it? It's one of those movies that I feel like every time I watch it, I catch something else. And there's so many hidden layers to the movie that it's enjoyable again and again. Whereas I feel like most movies you watch it once and you really don't even have to watch it again. But that one really stands out. And I feel like every time I'm on an Easter egg hunt watching it, seeing different moments that I didn't catch the first time. And that's my point. Because for everyone listening right now, you're not gonna talk about Fly Club anymore because you just learned 10 things about AJ that you didn't know before. And that's where the conversation now goes. And the fact that it's this movie with Edward Norton and Brad Pitt, that's 11. Now it's like, oh, look at that. This is what excites AJ. This is what he finds stimulating and boom. And I just learned something about AJ that I didn't know before. How awesome is that? And we can repeat that with your favorite food, with your favorite spot to hang out, with your favorite bar. Why? What do you like most about it? Here's another one for you, Michael. When you ask somebody what their favorite anything is, right? A great follow-up is what is the criteria that you used to get that answer? When you look at the criteria, so for instance, you were asking AJ, well, why was it that Fly Club was his favorite movie? We got a lot of information about AJ. Asking what is the criteria? For myself, to answer that question was, it was what is the impact that the movie had? So for myself, Over the Edge had a large shift and impact in my life. Now, it's an underground movie. It's Matt Dillon, first movie. He was 14 years old. And it was a movie that gained a cult following through the 90s, but it came out in 1980. But its impact on me as a child was a shift in how I viewed myself and the world around me. Is that starting to sound familiar? Yes, Star Wars. Yes, that would have been exactly my answer as well. Well, I was referring to the deep, the medium disclosure. Ideas about myself. Yeah, that is what I mean. I want to be a Jedi, you know, it's out there now. Medium to a high, these goals and ambitions. It's actually like high disclosure. Yeah, I want to be a Jedi. That's it, it's out there in the world now. Yeah, I mean, it frames the answer into a medium disclosure question and you'll get me in a way that only allows you elaborate on the answer that you've already provided. So now you get to give it context. It's not as if I'm asking you to dig a new hole. The hole's already been dug. So now I'm getting the information of why you've chosen why it was important to you. So you're getting context to information that was willingly already shared. And this works both ways. In conversation, we can answer the why question when someone's giving us their boring small talk questions. We can answer that why. If someone asks you, what's your favorite food? Answer the why question. Don't just say, oh, it's Italian. Well, it's Italian because the last time I was on the Amalfi Coast, I had the most beautiful sweet shrimp pasta and the chef came to the table and explained all of the local ingredients that went into making that dish. And it was so few ingredients, but so packed with flavor that I fell in love with Italian food. Many of us, when we go into conversations with networking or even in Zooms, we're just, let's get it, get our point across, let's move on, let's move to the next thing. But we can add color and we can add dimension to our own answers by answering that why question as if it was posed to us. And that was you, AJ, taking the flashlight and rolling down the cave farther. And now, of course, the other person are going to want to add their experiences. Oh, Italy, I've been in Italy or talking about the pasta. So asking deeper questions, finding the why and the third solution that we want to end with today. And this one, I've struggled with myself. And that's leaning into the emotional content in your conversation. Many of us feel uncomfortable when we show emotions. We try to diffuse them. We want to be stoic, poker face. We've all heard those responses, especially in the professional realm. Many of us feel those pressures. But by leaning into the emotion, we're actually validating the other person's experience as well as our own because we're giving them something to connect to. Michael didn't go to the same school as me. Johnny didn't grow up in Detroit. There are a lot of things in terms of experience that we don't have that share. But the emotions that are tied to those experiences we've all felt. We've all felt shame like Johnny in grade school shaking his milk. We've all felt triumphant like Michael ending his talk at the concert on stage, realizing that the audience is engrossed. And adding that emotional context and leaning into it in your conversation creates opportunity for connection with others that we oftentimes, myself included, have struggled with. And the emotional piece doesn't seem as relevant or as important when you're trying to get a story across or trying to answer someone's question. Yeah, and I think most of us do that, like the moment in a conversation where you see there is like especially strong emotions coming up in the other person. What you kind of wanna do instinctually is like excuse yourself and walk away. And I've actually, I've seen this happen in my dad not too long ago, who's not too much socially calibrated. I can say that because he doesn't listen to the show. And something happened where I think a person broke out a little bit in tears at a funeral and my dad literally said, oh boy, and he turned around and he walked away. Which is like, that's not very supportive. Like that's not how it works. But that's kind of what it is because most people are not used to being confronted by emotions. And as scary as it is, we've kind of forgotten how to deal with them. And the last thing you want to do is tell the other person, ah, don't worry about it, or you shouldn't be sad. It's like, no, you actually lean in. You know, the other person is sad. Let them know that that's all right. Like this is, you know, this is what it's supposed to feel like. You're angry, oh, that's kind of, I get that. And then take it from there but first meet them where they're at. And validating those emotions. I would feel frustrated if that happened to me. I'd be terrified if I was driving and that car swirled in front of me. Validating that emotions by saying, I would feel the same way that that person is feeling right now creates that connection. It allows the other person to feel heard. And that's really what we're talking about here. At the end of the day, connection is when someone in your life understands you because they heard you. And you heard that. Those are the people in our life we feel most connected to. And that's what gives you that rock solid connection. Not the perfect question and the perfect answer, but this, I see you as a human and I meet you where you're at with all your flaws and with all your imperfections. That's where the both of us meet. And from here on out, let's be connected. I had this mind-blowing experience just three days ago at a workshop that I was attending as a participant. And this was about the, it's called the therapeutic relationship with Kelly Wilson. So the CBT people out there, the contextual behavioral science people the name will ring a bell. And he did this exercise with us that still gives me goosebumps where we moved into breakout rooms with three people. And he gave us just one assignment. He said, you have 15 minutes, five minutes for each person. Pick who starts and then ask that person this question. Who loved you into being? Who loved you into being? And then listen with curiosity. And in my room, we were only two people. And I started asking my breakout room partner that question. And she started talking about her mom that raised her by herself and had a really hard time and said, I, you know, I owe this woman everything. And at that point, like emotions came up for both of us. And then she asked me the same question. I talked about my great-grandmother who kind of raised me. And again, a lot of emotions came up. And then we were start, like 10 minutes later, we said, you know what, we need to exchange phone numbers. I need to visit you in Brazil because this was freaking amazing. We're friends now. And we came out of that session and we said, yeah, I think we're friends. Like, I'm really sad that this talk, this time together is now over. And again, that didn't happen because we had a perfect question. Well, in this case, it kind of was, but don't go out there and think that you can ask everyone that question and end up with a best friend, right? But it was the fact that both of us went into that cave that Johnny mentioned and we weren't scared to leave and we knew the other person was following. And if you have that setup and that requires confidence and vulnerability and you have that setup, you can really dash into that cave because you know the other person is right next to you with a flashlight or without. And I think that's the main thing that people need to get, that this is not easy and it's not scripted, but once you allow yourself to be open enough to experience it and share it with someone else, it's worth the risk that sometimes comes with it. Well, it's also why we tell everyone that you're going to learn these things by implementing them in your everyday life. You don't become a master at rapport and conversation by reading about it or listening to it in this podcast. You learn what works best for you and by gaining experience in other people and their emotional responses through having these conversations by connecting with people. This is why we named the company The Art of Charm because it wasn't the method, it wasn't the one you do this and then you do that and then you do this. It was art, it's never the same. It's always going to be different. Everyone's going to express themselves in different manner and it is up to us to become experienced in using these tools so that we become better with them so that we can make those better connections. I also think there's a level of self-compassion that goes along with the leaning into emotions piece because many of us label our emotions in positive and negatives and unfortunately a lot of the emotions we label negative we tend not to share. We have shame attached to them, we bury them, we hide them and what the other person experiences from us is half the story, half of us, not the full picture. And if we only focus on positive emotions, well it's not going to really make for a very meaningful experience. The reason that we enjoy the positive emotions so much is because we've experienced a counterbalance to the negative emotions. If you were to wake up every single day of your life only feeling positive by day three or day four or day five, it's going to feel much like summer in LA. It's just another sunny day. It does not have the same gravitas in your life without the negative experiences, the negative emotions. For myself, those negative emotions, I wasn't allowed really as a kid to express them. My dad didn't want to see me emotional. He felt if he saw me emotional he wasn't doing a good job as a dad, right? To protect me being a single father. And growing up in that experience, well of course it became difficult for me to share the negative emotions that I had some shame around. The sadness I would feel from time to time, the fear of failure that I would feel. And of course, if you probably surveyed my friends in high school and my friends early in college, they probably would have said, well, I know AJ, but not at a real level of depth. So we also have to cultivate some self-compassion and realize that these heavier emotions that we're feeling, everyone feels them. And not only is it important for us to share them with others, but it's important for us to allow ourselves to experience them so that in conversation, we can build that depth of relationship that we're looking for. And whether it's our bootcamp participants or X-Factor members or core confidence students, the fact remains the same. Every experience we have together we're unified in those same fears and those same dreams. And no matter where they are in the world or where the backgrounds of students have come to us from over the years, the tens of thousands we've worked with, they're all going through these universally same experiences, these fears of failure, these pursuits of perfection, these not wanting to let their parents down and not wanting to showcase that maybe things aren't going as well as they appear on the outside. And unfortunately, through that habit, we've created this distance between us and others. And it's our job to start chipping away at that wall that we've built up and some of our older students, well, they've plastered a few extra layers on that wall. So it takes a little longer to break through that wall. But ultimately, when we remove that barrier of sharing those negative emotions, we create the space and that vulnerability that allows those relationships to blossom. You know, that's why I was so excited to do this toolbox. Not only have we not done one for a little while, but also because this is a problem that I've directly worked on in myself and continue to work on and I've experienced it in my relationship with Amy. And it's something that should, one, raise awareness that just sharing data and information with someone and expecting a relationship to blossom out of that is asking a lot. It's going about it the wrong way. We need to get a level beyond just the data to get to that emotional context in the conversation. And if you feel that you're disconnected or struggling to make relationships, we want you to try one of these three things we discussed. Number one, asking deeper questions, right? Getting to understand core motivators and emotions behind that data is so important in conversation and being comfortable sharing your why when maybe it hasn't been asked to create that space and that opportunity for deeper connection and lastly, leaning into the emotions, both the positive when we're meeting someone for the first time, but as that relationship is blooming, also expressing those negative emotions that you're feeling and allowing the other person to see you as a whole person with flaws and all creates the depth in conversation and depth in relationships that we're all looking for. And I'll add practice. Practicing those things. Practice, perfect practice. So what we say in X Factor, it's the one skill that you could practice no matter where you are in the world every day and that is your social skill. I don't need a basketball court. I don't need a tennis court. I don't need a golf course to practice my social skills. You can join us in X Factory or any of our coaching programs and get the opportunities even if it's at a distance, even if it's over zoom right now. Now I know we have a challenge for this week, Michael. Let's do it. Let's do the challenge. Okay, we want you guys to practice this. And here's your challenge for the week if you choose to accept it. Every day, add some light disclosure to one of the answers that you would usually give to the typically boring small talk question. So if someone asks you, what's your plan for the weekend? Don't just say, oh, I'm going to see my brother and his wife. Maybe add the why because I haven't seen them for a while and we all couldn't travel and they got a new baby and I'm so excited to meet my nephew. Or what are you going to watch in the evening? Don't just say, oh, I'm going to watch the office but maybe say, well, I'm going to watch the office because it's so full of embarrassment and humor and it really reminds me of the first job that I have. Just do that and then see how that changes the response that you get from the person that asked you that question. I love adding that because statement, right? Sharing your answer and adding the why because it's such a key way to fill in the blank and create that space and conversation for connection. Let us know how it goes. We love hearing from you. You can hit us up on social media at The Art of Charm on all of your favorite platforms or you can also email us questionsattheartofcharm.com and we would love a review in iTunes. Support the show and let us know what you thought in today's toolbox.