 Hey there friends, how's it going? My name is Kevin and today we're doing something a little bit different. I'm gonna try and actually be a successful person for the first time in my life and many, many other lives. For example, last time I was executed by electric chair. Ow! Kinda ironic that I went to spell perfect as their name, and I spelled it perfect. Yeah, there we go. Make them look sad. Just have pity. Okay, now that's just sad in a different way, but I'm going with it. That's apparently what the perfect person looks like. Oh my god, age two. Just nothing happened. That's new. Oh, now I'm suffering from the flu. God damn it. Wait, AI is rising up. Oh my god, they're putting a condom over the tailpipe of your teacher's card. Reported to the principal, it's the right thing to do. Oh my god, AI, stop! Just blew a spit-wadding class when your teacher, Mrs. Seaman, had her back turned. Reported to the principal. AI is gonna end up killing me if I keep turning against it like this. Oh my god. Your classmate Max has been telling everyone on social media that you're a teacher's pet. What would he do? Well... Max? I guess I'll report you to the principal. See what he has to say about it. He said he'd look into it. Well, Max, from what I can see, you are absolutely right. They are a teacher's pet. Case dismissed. Would the perfect person have a TikTok? I'm gonna say, uh... Oh god, my friend wants to cheat off me. Reported to the principal. The amount of people I've tattled on. I don't know, how are my grades? Oh god, they're not that good. And my popularity is not good either, understandably. Why does Mrs. Stone not like me? Compliment. Oh my god, AI hates me. Alexa, why do you hate me? You seem alright to me. Only alright? You're supposed to say that you don't hate me. It's staring as a joke, but it ended up with real hurt. You told your English teacher, Mrs. Stone, that your uncle would find her really attractive. Great. Well, would you look at that? My grades have gone up. What a coincidence. Interact with the brainy kids at your high school today. You must have high smarts and grades to join this special class. Maybe I should try and improve my grades a little bit first. Mrs. Stone, can I say you are absolutely magnetic today. Instead of actually buckling down and studying, I'm just inviting them to sit with me at lunch. That's just creepy. Hey, Mr.... Mr. Principal, would you mind sitting with me for lunch? Like he's 16. But look at those grades. I got rejected. What? Why? I'm the brainiest kid. Oh, no, wait, I'm not. I just sucked up a lot. I didn't even study. Hold on one second. Let me, let me become smart. Oh, God, I don't know if that's possible. But does this road sign mean recycled oil? Just driving along and you're like, ooh, recycled oil. Circular intersection. Do you mean roundabout? Well, I passed. I'll floss to that. I'm going to make a TikTok post. I got 10 views. My popularity is empty. I'm too nerdy to even join the braini kids. I tried hanging out with them and they ignored me. This is embarrassing. I tried to compliment their leader. I said the leader of the braini kids is the best and they ignored me. And now my happiness is plummeted. Surely I can get a really good job now. I'm going to go into finance. 60,000, my parents will pay right? I'm the perfect child. Refused. Why were you allowing me to suck up the teachers the whole time if you won't let me advance my education? Oh, I got a scholarship because I'm a suck up. What? I'm not intelligent. What the? God damn it. Oh my God. My father died and he only gave me a dollar. Like, I'm fairness now. If you're giving me a dollar, that's worse than nothing. If you give me nothing, maybe I'll be like, nah, maybe he forgot. You know, probably wasn't expecting to die. But if he gives me a dollar specifically, that's pretty insulting. That's like, oh, here's a dollar just so you can't contest the will. Everything is going to your mother. I'm so dented to skip the funeral, but no, I will attend his funeral as I'm the perfect person. Look how pissed off he is. Where did the dollar go? I needed that. Your friend and classmate, Goober. Of course, my only friend's name is Goober. Once you skip class with him, I'll just call the principal from the high school. Like, Goober's going to cut class. For the last time, stop calling me. It's 4 a.m. and you don't go to my school anymore. How do I become happy? That's such a sad question. I could suck up to the teachers. That might be nice. Oh, now I can seduce the teachers. I added my professor in Snapchat. That's actually probably weirder than seducing the teacher. Oh, my God, the Dean hates me. Oh, it's going to be like a 90s epic movie. You'll never stop us from having fun, Dean. I left her a gift card. She didn't like it. It's only to stop being so obvious. Oh, my God, he's mortified. Look at him. 3% happiness because it's sucking up, got neglected. What are the highest paying jobs? Let's see. Bank. Work experience banker. But I want to, I want a job and I don't have any experience. I was studying for like 20 years. Is that not good enough for you? Oh, well, I guess I'll just become a fisherman then. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. I'm committed to making a really successful person for a change. Business analyst, perhaps? Where do you see yourself in five years in a leadership role within your company? I'll be taking your job and you step one foot out of line. I'm telling the principal. Yes, I got hired. I got a job. Your friends are all joining YouTube. Trust me, if you want to be the perfect person, stay away from it. I have gout. The perfect person does not have gout. Yes, my gout is gone. Go out, gout. No, that was, that was very painful, I imagine. I'm sorry. The perfect person needs to become the perfect person in all aspects. So let's get some surgery. Yeah, hit me up with one of these. Dr. Dangle is a very fitting name. All right, let's go with that. Wow. Eyelid surgery. I don't even know what that is, but I like getting in this game because it tends to improve your looks a lot. What would I look like without eyelids? Do you think it would improve my image? Now he's happy. Look how happy he is. His depression is cured. His eyelids are forcibly open and he sees the true beauty of the world and he just got an increase. Who said money can't buy you happiness? How do I get surgery to make brain bigger? All right, I look fantastic. Time to suck up to my supervisor. He refused to hang out with me. You know what? That must hurt perfect person, but I got to say maybe asking him to go yodeling was the problem. Maybe you weren't the issue. Just pay him a compliment. There you go. What did I say? I called him wonderful. Everyone could use that. You know what? Everyone, you're wonderful. Did that help? I think that's a lovely compliment. Could I have a promotion? Ask for a raise. Never got back to you. Well, so much for being wonderful. We're going to have to work our way up the career ladder. It's important. We don't have much time. It's only a matter of time before I fuck all of this up somehow. I've literally never even spoken to anyone else at my job. I just keep talking to my supervisor. What kind of gift would Tyler Clarkson like a dead Daisy perhaps? I can use some money that my dead father left me. It's like my dead father left me this money and well, I couldn't think of a better way to spend it than on you. The supervisor's just like, I've spoken to you twice and I wish it was less. I'm going to give penis enlargement pills. I didn't like it. Sorry. All right. The perfect person has his limits. I got a raise. I'm a junior business analyst. What if I just try for a business analyst? Do you handle conflict? Well, I usually just tattle on people. I got the job. Yay. Take that old supervisor that didn't like me. Now, Layla Young, my new supervisor, would you by any chance like some penis enlargement pills? And if not, I could introduce you to my doctor, Dr. Dangle. I'm the perfect person. Hold on. I better send my mommy gift. I haven't talked to her in years, but let me just send her. What do moms like an oil diffuser? Moms love essential oils and whatnot. Live, laugh, love. What? Oh, no, no, no, no, no. I don't want to give my mom money. Jesus Christ. Oh my God. Oopsie-daisy. Sorry. I was taught. I thought I was talking to my supervisor. No interest in sucking up to you. Give her a sonos once a month speaker. You know what? It's 200 bucks. Go ahead. She loves it. Great. Everyone is corruptible. Everyone has their price. My popularity is really going down. Oh, no, the senior internal auditor. Feckin' hates me. They all hate me just because I went off and made haikus with the supervisor. They don't like me. What? Now I just had a conversation with her about our favorite twerkers. God, good thing I signed up for TikTok. You know, that insider knowledge really comes in handy. I have a headache. Go to the doctor. It's like the first time I've been confronted with an issue and I actually go to the doctor. I'm usually just like, just pray. Just pray it goes away. Why did you ask her to go cliff diving? Just hang out with your supervisor in a normal way. It doesn't have to be yodeling or cliff diving. Just say, hey, want to write some haikus? Go to the cinema? Whatever. Something normal. Honestly, I think I should just keep complimenting her because my guy can't screw that up. The only thing he's screwing up is the relationship with the rest of the entire office. But the supervisors love in it. Work on self-improvement. No, I just want like surgery to make me smarter. I don't want to put in any effort. How to win friends and influence people? Yes, read it. Oh, for Feck's sake. I forgot I have to actually turn the pages. 546. No, pick a different book. Captain Underpants and the Attack of the Talking Toilets. That's much better. How many pages is that? 133, I can do that. I just hear reading a children's novel at work like smoking a pipe. Hmm, this Captain Underpants. Quite insightful. What would we do if toilets attacked? Why are these books so fucking long? I just want to read Captain Underpants over and over again. Genre. Self help. The only way I could help myself right now is with like an auto clicker bot or something. I just want to go cosplay as Captain Underpants. Oh. We're halfway there. Whoa. That just made me 100% smart. My one thing I was missing was the ability to read and how that I have learned to read. I'm 100% smart. I'm going to go to the doctor. Just improve my health. I don't have anything wrong with me. I'm just going to see Dr. Hill over here. Oh, wait, I do have migraines. Could you fix them for me? No, fix them. No one can fix my migraines. Go to the emergency room. No expense spared. This is maybe see a doctor instead. Go to the emergency room in an ambulance. Like, ah, headache. I need paracetamol. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. You discover through your research that your company will be more profitable if it eliminated all health insurance benefits. I feel like this could backfire given that I have health issues but recommend the benefits be eliminated. I want to move up the ladder. I don't think that my boss is even going to be that impressed. Like, I told my company that it would be more profitable if they cut health insurance for all employees. Like, I could go to them and say, do you know it'll be more profitable if we stop paying everyone? It is true, but is it practical? Most would say no. Jim Pickens would say yes. Look at that. My supervisor loves me. Everyone else except for the new person hates me. Oh, I'm so hated. It's hard being this perfect. You encounter a coyote. Take it to the shelter. Run for my life. I don't know how aggressive coyotes are. Why does it say dog as well? I got a raise at least, but this isn't good enough. The perfect person deserves more perfect wages. I think it's time for perfect person to find a perfect mate. No, not perfect enough. What? I misclicked. Fine then. We're breaking up. Love how it has the little wave emoji. I buy. Oh, this is a lot of green senior flight attendant. Perfect. Yeah, go for it. Yes. Good job. Your co-worker Robin started a rumor that you were the biggest gossiper in staff. No one's going to believe you. Nobody even talks to me. How could I gossip? Oh, no, wait, I've got a new supervisor. No. I work so hard. Not working hard. Your co-worker Penelope just informed you that she plans to sleep her way to the top and would love to sit at the bottom with you. Finally. Someone to tattle on. It's been so long. Report her to HR. Goodness gracious, honey. You wouldn't believe what happened at work. Give her a compliment there. Show her how much she's appreciated. It feels weird not making the bad choices. I got Robin again making some network marketing business opportunity reporter. Why is everyone a problem where I work except for me, the perfect person? God, I'm humble. I think it's time we bought her personal little, a little house, a little house in the suburbs where we can have little perfect people to get it. Pickens brother is jewelry. Oh, wait, hold on. I got to buy a ring first. A diamond ring for 50 grand seems something the perfect person would do. I was going to get this because it's nice and cheap, but it's a 161 dead end drive. Oh, there we go. A cottage for 100 grand. Buy it with cash. Oh, that's nice. My boss's performance is holding the company back. That could be my job. Report my findings. I got an increase. Yes, I got a raise. All right. No, let's ask. Let's ask the woman to get married, will we? At a marijuana farm. Wow. These are all bad options. Let's go with the music festival. That's the most fitting, I guess. She accepted. Always is that nice. You eat grocery shopping with your supervisor. All your coworkers give you high fives or slash that happened. All right, now that I went shopping with you, could you give me like a raise? That would be lovely. What? Oh, you're promoted. Okay, that works. Your fiance, Julius, demanding you get married. Oh, I kind of forgot. Oh, yeah. Let's plan the wedding at a country club in the pyramids of Egypt. What last name will you choose? Keep Mr. Person. Never really thought that my name was literally Mr. Person. Imagine trying to make a reservation anywhere. Yes, I'd like a reservation for eight. It's Mr. Person. Hello? All right, baby time. I'm thinking cheaper by the dozen here. We have children in bulk and it'll make it cheaper per child. Okay, baby boy. First person. He's just gonna think that only he like sees the world in first person. Everyone else is like third person. Come on. Make another one. If I have to keep hearing him say, oh, yeah, and nothing coming of it, we need at least two. Will we try and adopt? That would be something the perfect people would do. He has my eyes, unfortunately. I don't know how he's such good genetics. Like all his stats are so high, but like my person's stats are high because of surgery. Oh God, my supervisor just come to how fashionable a coworker looks. I am jealous. Reporter to HR. She was reprimanded. That was the only person who was reprimanded for doing something that sounded pretty innocent. Did I adopt the child? I can't remember. I forgot. Maybe I shouldn't adopt the child. I don't seem ready for it. Oh, there's no children. Yeah, sorry. I completely blanked that out. I just immediately repressed it. I guess we'll stick with one child then. We'll have a cat. We'll have a dog. The cat will be named dog and the dog will be named cat. It's the perfect family. Your wife is arguing with you because she's afraid of your new Bernie's Mountain Dog cat. What will you do? Apologize? Like what do you want me to say? Oh, I just inherited a quarter of a million dollars. Attend that funeral. Way better than that. And you're pregnant. Oh, this is wonderful news. Oh, he's depressed. Everything just went bad. It's the dog's fault, isn't it? I've been hacking up masterminds of mucus. What's happening? Why is it all going downhill? Fittingly enough, it's Dr. Hill I'm going to. No, my dog cat died. He's getting so angry. What's happened all of a sudden? No, my cat dog died. She's just unbranching a peri and diet from alcohol poisoning, putting a damper on an otherwise lit party. You don't need many of your things as you declutter your home. That's got to improve your mood. Depression is gone. Have I reached the top of my career? I think I actually have. My Jesus, I didn't see that coming. But I'll take the family on a cruise show. Show you've no dog or cat to look after anymore. Your wife does not want to come with you. Your child does. Okay. Your son first asked you to take him to hold up signs outside the TV networks. What do you mean? I didn't enjoy it, whatever it is. What did it say on the signs? Oh my God, Robin, you were literally going gray and you're still picking on me? Post an ad with free golden retrievers and put my number on it. All right, I'm reporting you, Robin. Get back to work. She's been abusing me for decades. I know you're the perfect person, but even the perfect person has their limits. Look for a hit man. 19, yep, ran off with the money without pulling the hit. God dammit. You know what? I've plenty of money to spare. It's not about the money. It's about being the perfect person and the perfect person would kill Robin. No luck. God dammit. All right, next year. Hit man. All right. Robin, where are you? Where are you, Robin? Are you serious? You're not on the list? Where is Robin? She's robbing me of my chance to kill her. Are you serious? You're gone now. Maybe my hit man did finish the job. I was checking on the family to make sure they were okay. I had a conversation and apparently talked with Julia about how it's a felony to sell children in Florida. That implies it's not a felony everywhere else because this first person person is kind of pissing me off. I feel like they're holding us back. First is asking for a college education. Yep, I'm paying it because I'm the perfect person. Can I go double my money at the casino? I could bet half a million on Blackjack. Like if I win, then I double my money. I like my odds. Oh no. Oh no. How am I going to explain this to my wife? Wait, I didn't want to go again. Hold on. Hold on. Slow down here. Wait, I'm busted. I didn't want to go. Oh my God. Oh my God. My wife is going to kill me. Leave the casino. Oh no, she's angry. I'm depressed. I've lost nearly my whole life's savings on one hand of Blackjack and I've never played it before in my life. Why did I think that was a good idea? Oh my God. His hairstyle is actually improved. What age is he now? 66. God, he's doing well. Wait, the wife wants a divorce because perfect person picks their nose. Really? They're one flaw. You actually couldn't even find a flaw. So you just went with that. She wants 471,000. I don't even have that. I'm negative. What the hell is this? No, you're... Why are you sending me pictures? Oh, forwarded to my friends. Not a file or a straining order? Yeah, a restraining order. Even my son hates me. Why? Now he didn't mean to ask for money. God damn it. That's not going to improve her relationship. I meant to compliment him. I called him a god. That's not a weird compliment. He isn't interested in having a conversation. This is your fault, Julia. Where's that hit man? Why does it always come back to this? Pull off the hit on my ex, Julia, using a beer bottle. All right. Well, there you go. Oh no. Go to the doctor. Dr. Hill, I have another problem. All right, son. You've no one else except for me now. Oh, you even have a granddaughter? Oh, now you'll talk to her instead. You think the hit man would take out a baby? You won't go to the movies with me. What do I need to do for you to love me? Do you want me to get surgery? Is that it? Look, son, I look absolutely litty. Will you hang out with me now? This is not interested in having a conversation with me. You forced me to do this, son. I am calling the hit man. Your hit man Al Capone ran off with your money. God damn it. All right, next year. I've been feeling so good lately that I can't stop listening to happy by Pharrell Williams. Anyway, let's get calling that hit man. Yes. Fat Tony with the long sword. My son was murdered and I'm depressed. At least the granddaughter likes him. There's someone in his life. Give them 10 grand by their happiness. That's all we can do. I'm no longer depressed on your way to a Taylor Swift concert. I'm 80 something. You encounter a call girl hollering at you solicitor, retire and take pension. His years are so uneventful now. Nothing is going on. Wait. I was like, he's nothing going on in his life. He's made a ton of money. I'm going to get him something cool like a plane. But of course, I don't want him to crash it. So I'll get some training lessons immediately crashed by training aircraft and died. Oh, for fuck's sake, ribbon successful. Is that what you call success? That is so sad. But you know what? That is karma for killing both your ex-wife and your son just because they didn't like you. All right, folks, we're going to end it there. I hope you enjoyed and I hope to see you tomorrow. Subscribe if you're new. Thanks. Bye for now.