 I've been with you but I've been attracted to your friend the whole time then everything before that is just under question because how long have you been wanting my friend? If you've been attracted to my friend the whole time while we're together and you're just waiting for us to be over so you can go after my friend it's like it could. You don't think you can be attracted to more than one person at the same time? I think so but if you have, why is that wrong? If you have the intent to want something is over then alright I'm just gonna hop over to your friend. Who has that intent? I'm proud to share This video is sponsored by Squarespace. A place where you could build the perfect website, start email campaigns or open an online store today. When you build a community on social media it's someone else's algorithm, taste and rules that govern how you can connect with your people. With Squarespace you're in the driver's seat and you have the power to customize your content to fit your brand and your needs. My website, my mailing list, my book website, all of them are powered with Squarespace and if you are ready to try and see if they can power your next big idea, go to Squarespace.com slash Shambudi to start playing around for absolute free, no credit card required and then when you're ready to launch, you get 10% off your first purchase of a website or a domain. Once again, it's Squarespace.com slash Shambudi. Dating your ex's friends. Who here is against it? Who's for it? They fucked up with us all together. They put us all together. Okay, let's start. Why are you against it? Well, not to say that I haven't, but... I just think as, you know, when we're in high school, when we're in college, like as your worlds expand and you're around people that are no longer like in your grade or whoever's in your class, those people around you become a lot more intentional and selective. And double dipping is it can, depending on the relationship, what trauma was had therein, and I don't know, it just can be really messy and I feel like there's enough core offices in the world to not have to double dip. If I had a connection with my friend's ex, I'm most likely going to be the individual to have a conversation with my ex, like, I'm talking to your home boy and do you give the blessings? If not, I'm still going to go after it. You're going to ask your ex for consent to date their friend. Yeah. But you said even if your ex says no. No, I'm still going to pursue. So it's a courtesy. It's a courtesy question. It's a courtesy. It's a rhetorical question. I'm still going to do me my loyalties no longer to you, like that's no longer there and I want to pursue something else and it's really close to you. I'm going straight for the friends and I mean, like, really, who's your friend then? You shouldn't be talking to your friend, not me. Yeah, that's interesting. I don't know what the ex would go and ask them because I would think it'd be the onus on the friend. If I still friends with them. Yeah, I don't really cherish my friendship. So like if anything, I'd want my friend to come to me, not my ex. I think it depends like my relationship with the ex, right? Like if it was like a de-escalation, right? Like if we're like trying to maintain some sort of civil relationship friendship, if we have a lot of mutual people in our lives, then I might do them that courtesy, but I never ask people for permission. I fully believe in autonomy and abundance. Like I'm polyamorous. So like for me, if I have a connection with someone, I'm not about to limit myself. I think because of the fact that attraction is mostly based off of familiarity, similarity and proximity. So by virtue of that, that's like defining the friend. So it's almost a compliment to you if somebody wants to date your friends, which means that like I like you a lot and you were close, you just weren't on target. I knew a little to the left, a little to the right, time to see if it's better over here. You might be the reason that a friendship breaks up. That's not my fault, but that's, I'm not the reason. It technically is. You technically are the reason. No, that's their own choice. A relationship goes the way. And that's why I have the conversation, because I know that I might be the reason that this friendship is going. No, you're not the reason. It's their own reason. They make that reason their own. They have full autonomy to stay friends. If they don't have the capacity and ability to be civil and to, you know, like that's fine. You know, a lot of people don't believe in abundance. A lot of people do, you know, believe in monogamy and limiting themselves. And that's fine. More power to you. But that's not how I live my life. I'm not going to live my life according to your standard. But I will say the person who cares the least controls the relationship. So just say you break up with the person and you're like, I was actually attracted to your friend this entire time. So I'm going to pursue that relationship. But the other person still has strong feelings for you. Seeing you with their friend or seeing you in general is very painful for them. So the decision to remodge the friendship, and not petty, it's more about self-care. I don't give people closure. I don't think to like, honestly, I don't think about other people's feelings that much. I'm thinking about my own happiness, which is very selfish. But when thinking about the other person, okay, do you want happiness for your friend, too? If you truly love your friend, if you're a really good friend, you're going to want what's best for them. You're going to want them to be happy no matter what. Yeah. Even if they're dating, you know, someone that you used to date. Everything before that is just under question. Because how long have you been wanting my friend? Well, because it's like... It's kind of disabled. Yeah. If you've been attracted to my friend the whole time while we're together and you're just waiting for us to be over so you can go after my friend, it's like how they're... I don't think that's ever the intention. It could be. You don't think you can be attracted to more than one person at the same time? I think so. But if you have... Why is that wrong? If you have the intent to want something is over, then all right, I'm just going to hop over to your friend. Why is that a tent? But I don't think the partner should question it, right? Because it could be like, I like your qualities, but your friend might do them a little bit better. And I might connect with that more. You know, that doesn't mean that I devalue your connection or what we're giving to the relationship. But I just see that your friend does a little bit better. Who's here and done it? Who's done it before? I have fallen into it. But you know what? The friend was coming on to me and I was entertaining the situation. So with that, I'm like... I knew nothing was going to happen. I wasn't really interested, but I liked the flirting. But when he found that out, he called me and he's just like, why are you talking to my friend? I'm like, well, he reaches out to me and you know, I'm like, emoji. Like, thanks for the compliment, but nothing's going to happen. But that's your friend. So that has nothing to do with me. But he still reaches out to me. So it's not that following all. Just fine. He's fine. Clearly. When I've done it, it's been my ex's friend reaching out to me. And I've engaged. Right. I think with that, it's all of the dating pool within the gay community is very small. So I was like, you know, you got to catching what you can. That's real. So... In the queer world, we all know each other. Like, not really. Like, I don't know your friend just because they're trans or queer, whatever. But... Well, literally. The community is really small. So I know when that happens, it's like, you know, I know you're my ex's friend, but you're also putting intent and, you know, trying to get at me so I'm going to... Did it destroy any of the relationships? Your chances of being friends with your ex or your ex's friend friendship with that person you pursued? No. Who goes on first? What goes on second in this conversation? Like, the person, the ex and the friend? Right. No, because they didn't go that far. Yeah. It was just like a little entertainment and then that's it. One or two dates. But then I started to also see, like, toxic traits that I saw in my ex and the friend. I was like, that's why I'm not where I came from. I can't fuck with you either because... The birds of the southern... Sit down there. What about for you? Mine was like, again, during college, so my world was very small and then my ex was a piece of shit. So, again, my loyalty wasn't to him. Didn't care. His friend came after me and I entertained it. And I would do that. Like, I don't regret that, but, again, where I'm at now, there's just too much messiness. I just... The drama? Yeah, the drama, the mess, the overlap. And especially when you're still friend groups, like, in the same thing, like, you have to run into each other and do all that. Back then, my world was smaller, so it was none of that. There was just... Ex was over there, living his life, and I was up in my life with his friend. Do you have this conversation with your friends ever? Like, creating a code? Oh, yes. Uh, yes. I just have this conversation with a friend because there is someone she really loves and she was like, Bree, if he was to reach out to you, like, wouldn't you pursue that? And, honestly, my answer is no, because I'm not attracted to him, but, like, I also don't know how I would feel if it was someone I was attracted to. So... And she's like, that just sounds really bad. Like, why would you do that to me? I'm like, I know how much you like... It's not about you. But I also know how deeply she's, like, in love with this man. And that's where I'm like, absolutely not. Um, if it was someone they just were dating for, like, a few months, I don't even give a year that long. So I'm like, you dated for, like, a year. And I mean, I've had friends who have had sex with the same guys I've had sex with. And it's like, it was never just serious. It was casual. And dating to me is, like, casual. I'm openly dating. We're not in a relationship. And that's how I pretty much go about my dating. So, if we dated in my head, we just dated. You can have them. My friend, my best friend, and I literally used to be dating the exact same man. And, you know, like, in polyamory, like, I feel like that's so much more common than in monogamy. Like, you know, I was definitely really nervous because I, when I first met this guy, and I'm still dating him right now. And when I met this guy, I was like, oh, you are so attractive. Like, this just, like, super, like, muscle poppy, like, short cane trans man. And my best deal was dating him. And we met on Halloween. And I was just like, this guy is just amazing. We vived at the end of the night. Like, I wore, like, stilettos the entire night on Halloween, which is a great choice. But he gave me a foot massage at the end of the night. He, like, bandaged up one of my blisters. And I was like, you're my best friend's man, and you're doing all of this for me. Like, I felt very special. At the time, they were still seeing each other. Yeah, they were still dating. And, like, two, three weeks after that, my friend, my bestie, comes to me. And they're like, hey, like, you know, my man is really interested in you. And, like, you know, we're also polyam. And I just wanted you to know, like, if you want to go out with this man, you can't. And I was like, for real? And they were like, please do. Like, that'd be so cool. Like, you know, if you're interested in that, do it. Like, I just wanted you to know that, like, this is good with me, because he's expressed interest in asking you out. And I saw you two really connect. And I was like, girl, thank you, because I was a little worried about how you would feel, because I know that polyamory is new to you. And, you know, I ended up going out with him and we're still together. And, like, things are, like, really going really, really well. Do you want more in these together? Yeah, we've all three hung out together, yeah. But I do agree with you, Melissa, though. There are a lot of orifices out there. There's a lot of different people to connect with. So if I am with somebody who creates a hard boundary and I prioritize and value that relationship, I would make that choice for them. You would limit yourself. Yeah, and there's definitely, I mean, like, you know, I don't know how I feel about, you know, getting Jared, you know what I mean? Like, that would just probably, I'd probably create those boundaries for myself, too. But I would understand, because I've been on both sides. So... It is very limiting. Like, there are several L's that you take when you walk that line of, like, loyalty or not crossing the sign. Like, hey, honey. Like, I got the fucked up friend and now I can't, like, hop over, but it's like, that's the L that, you know, you have to take if you're walking that path. I think we're allowed to lean into what makes us feel good. Lean into joy, lean into experiences. Like, I just, I've limited myself so much. And I mean, I grew up Baptist. My dad, you know, used to be a pastor. I lived on a farm, you know, the first seven years of my life. So, like, I grew up so sexually repressed. Like, I, you know, suppressed my own sexuality, my own gender identity for so much of my life. Large majority. And I limited myself. So I'm no longer living that life, because that was the wrong thing to do. That was immoral. That was literally against my own soul. So, like, personally, I'm not about to be living my life that way ever again. I do agree that monogamy is not human nature. I mean, it's different. Have a different day. Yeah, that's another thing. Woo! Content like this is only possible with the support of Squarespace. So, big shout out to them for partnering with us for a number of years now. 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