 something. What happens when you want more from the relationship than you're actually getting in the moment? What happens to you emotionally? What happens to you viscerally? I suspect you're like me. You would feel a sense of anxiety. You'd feel a sense of sadness. You might feel a sense of frustration. And if you've ever felt that, I hope that today we're going to share some light as to why this happens and maybe some tools to help you heal from this. Now, if you're not familiar with the teachings of Buddha, Buddha basically said, and I'm paraphrasing this and I'm butchering it to some degree, Buddha says, all suffering comes from attachment. That's right. All suffering comes from attachment, attachment to outcomes, attachment to people. Think about that for a moment. It's Christmas and you're a little kid and you're hoping to get a bicycle and you've been praying on a bicycle and you want a bicycle and that's all you can think about, but you don't get a bicycle. Remember when you were a little kid, if that happened, how you felt in that moment, how you felt such despair, such, such anger, some frustration or anxiety? Well, this is true for how we operate as adults because we have this attachment to an outcome. We have an attachment to an expectation and this is particularly true in romantic relationships. Buddha says all suffering comes from attachment. That includes attachment to people. Now, to some degree, we need to attach to people. We need to feel a sense of connection to people. And of course, when people that we care for are no longer in our lives, that is going to be painful. That could even feel like suffering. Many of you know, I lost a child. Now, for anyone who's a parent, probably your greatest nightmare is something happened to your child. And there's a picture of my son, Connor, right there in the obey shirt. You know, certainly I was attached to him. I was. I mean, you're attached to your children. You feel a sense of attachment. And so when he passed away, there was this huge pain, this huge loss within me. And it's certainly understandable because he's not going to come back. But what about those relationships? What about when you're in a relationship with someone who's not sure whether he even wants you in his life? Whether he's sure that you're the right person and you want more so you're attached to an outcome because you're attached to this person. And yet the minute we become attached to a person, we actually give our power away to the other person. There's a really sad saying that says the person who cares the least in a relationship Oh, wait, the person who cares the least in a relationship has all the power. The person who cares less, the person who's not invested. Think about this for a moment. Isn't that a sad commentary that we can choose relationships with people that care less than us? But what if we care more than we should care? What if we're attached more than we should be? Where is that balance of should and equilibrium? You know, this is the tough part. You know, many women are beautiful human beings. They're overgivers. They oftentimes pour their heart into a relationship. I think women to some degree have been conditioned to do this throughout history. This is just a supposition I have. I'm not stating this as a fact. But to some degree, women have been so dependent upon men for survival that what if it's possible through the DNA from cave people all the way to 2023? There is this biological dependency particularly for women to men. I'm not saying this is true. I'm just speculating here for a moment. So what if that dependency created attachment? Especially when it's attachment that isn't warranted. Think about how many of you have been in unhealthy relationships with men who have been narcissistic, abusive, verbally abusive, all these things. You've spent years with this person maybe for the sake of the children. Should we be doing that? Should we be giving our power to another person? And then do we need to turn into a victim when this happens? I don't know. I hope not. But certainly throughout and by the way, I want you to think about this moment since men throughout history died much sooner than women. You know, women had to sometimes be sing like I want you to think about this caveman days where the caveman died at age 20, but the woman lived 10 more years. She lived to age 30. Well, that's roughly a third of her life. And there could be an emptiness from that, a longing to be attached to another person. Whereas men just died off sooner, so they didn't have that same biological attachment to women. I'm just speculating here. So you want more and he's not sure. He doesn't know what he wants. Well, that's because I want to examine relationships for a moment here. Do you realize a significant percentage of relationships are transactional relationships? In fact, I hear this from the red pill community over and over again, how men are the provider protectors and the woman has to be at home cooking and cleaning the house. Okay. And for that, there's a transaction. I bring in the money. I pay the rent. I pay the bills. You are my housekeeper. You're my chef and you're my prostitute. That's what these guys are basically selling is I bring in the money. I expect you to be my housekeeper. I expect you to be my chef and I expect you to have sex whenever I want. That's the transactional relationships. This is a narrative that a lot of conservatives, people advocate, a lot of religious people advocate in these spheres of YouTube creators out there. I'm not a big proponent of it, but you can be in a transactional relationship. It creates a one up one down type of relationship where the man is superior and the woman is below them. It's basically supposed to be God, man and his wife kind of thing. I'm not a big proponent of that. I like to think of partnerships where you're side by side with one another and maybe you feel the same way as I do. Who knows? Or maybe you agree with transactional relationships. I do think transactional relationships requires a lot of compromise between two people and it doesn't really garner or inspire real partnership. But those are the transactional relationships. What about the conditional relationships? I need you to love me a certain way so I can feel good about myself. This is the conditional relationships. I need you to communicate in this way. I need you to do this. I need you to do things this way for me to be accepted to accept this relationship. It's a little bit different than transactional relationships. They're conditions. I won't be happy unless this condition is met. I would say the vast majority of couples today, those in midlife, that are not married, probably find themselves in conditioned based relationships. In fact, quite frankly, I think most relationships these days are situationships or casual relationships. Casual relationships, as I've said repeatedly, is like a long drawn out version of friends with benefits. Quite frankly, you're not good friends to begin with. But there's not really the establishing the deep roots of trust that lead to partnership. We're going to talk about that in a moment. Why do women want more? Why are they with men who are not sure? Well, you know my narrative when I talk about the user, the spender, and the grower. Please forgive the glare. Three types of people actively dating. The user, the spender, and the grower. Users about 20%. Spenders are 60%. Growers are 20%. Users are those people that seek short term game. The love bombers, the players, the entitled women out there, those are the users. The growers and the builders, that's probably 20% of the population, and this is not a fact. It's merely an opinion. They're the people that genuinely want to be in a fully committed relationship. They want to build partnership with someone. They have good emotional maturity, and they have good relationship skills. Let me just tell you something, ladies. You all think you're good at this, but many of you are not. There are plenty of amber herds out there. The vast majority of everybody else is a spender. They want companionship. They want connection. They want sex, but they're dysfunctional when it comes to commitment. Partly because we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality because most humans have childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas that cause them to have negative patterns and eliminating beliefs in their life and ways of doing things that doesn't. I want you to think about this for a moment. You're a wounded person. Maybe you had a tough upbringing as a childhood. Maybe you felt abandoned. Maybe you were abused verbally, physically, and you did little or no healing. What's going to happen? You're going to be searching for relationships to fill that void. That's the conditional relationships. I need you to be a certain way so I can feel safe, but if you're not that way, I don't feel safe. Women seem to me are probably more anxious attachment style people than avoidant. If you're not familiar with the book, attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend you understanding love attachment style because it leans into this conversation because anxious people and believe me, I know this like nobody's business because I don't like labeling myself anxious, but I have tendencies to need a lot of validation, a lot of certainty because I grew up in a household where there was uncertainty, particularly when it came to my mother. I certainly have anxious tendencies. I don't want to say I'm anxious. I was raised that with those deficiencies, if you will. I'm going to call myself a healthy human being now, but I don't know if I'm ready to call myself secure yet. The avoidant. Here, let me read you something about avoidance, emotionally distant people. Emotionally distant partner, they couldn't depend on their parents during their childhood for emotional support. They are scared of conflict or being judged. Being their authentic self wasn't safe. If they were vulnerable as a child, they were shut down and were told not to be emotional. This is why many men and some women have a hard time opening up and often they seek space or desire freedom because they didn't experience healthy love in their childhood. Folks, this is a reality. We can judge. I'm so fucking tired of this whole thing that men are emotionally unavailable. They might be stunted. They might be constipated, but that's because nobody taught them how to actually, they rarely experienced a safe space to be vulnerable. We've been conditioned from our upbringing, particularly to avoid our emotions. We criticize men. Let me refrain that. Men get criticized for being emotional. They're too feminine. If they're not emotional, they're emotionally unavailable. We men can't win in this particular case with ladies. By the way, men have equally as much blame in this shit as women. I'm not here to point the finger at one person. How would I do that? Point the finger. Many of you are not familiar with why did you choose the partner you did in your childhood? Why did you choose someone who was exactly like your father or like your mother or dysfunctional? Because many of us are trying to heal this childhood wound and we attract partners in our lives that are like one or both of our parents. If you're not familiar with the book, Getting the Love You Want by Harvelle Hendricks and Helen Hunt, I highly recommend reading this. Folks, when you understand how we choose people, you begin to make better choices. Sadly, we are swimming in a sea of dysfunctionality. I just told you about my users, my growers, and my spenders. By the way, spenders mean they just spend time with you. I want to bring this chart. I haven't shown this in a while, emotional maturity and relationship skills. Our population, our single population has roughly got 20% have clinical issues. By the way, you can read this is not a fact, it's an opinion. And while maybe 20% are emotionally healthy, the vast majority of us are dysfunctional, myself included. I'm not really sure there are too many emotionally healthy, secure people out there. Most everybody is dysfunctional. And believe it or not, if you're watching this and you don't think you are, you most likely have some weak emotional maturity or weak relationship skills. So how do we work on this stuff? Well, awareness is the first gateway to healing, being aware. Being aware if you're an anxious attache. Being aware that if you're an anxious, you will most likely draw in and avoid it in your life, you will. Now, here's the question, why? Why does this happen? Why do we always keep choosing people that trigger us? Why do we keep choosing people that trigger us? It's because the trigger is an invitation to heal. Someone write that in the chat box, the triggers are an invitation to heal. It's one of the reasons why I wrote my book, What the heck a self love anyway, a journey of personal development, self up in spiritual work. Guess what? Isn't that ironic? We teach what we need to learn best. What are you saying, Jonathan? Yeah, I teach what I need to learn. This is not easy shit. This requires practice on a daily basis. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? By the way, if it is, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. Share this with friends. So I want to turn you on to something new and I know some of you are complaining that I refer to book after book after book. And by the way, in the description below is a link to get all the books I recommend folks. I'm here to say books are an entry way to healing. So is therapy. Therapy unfortunately is a long drawn out process when it's once a week. I did the Hoffman process. I did Insight Institute and I've done all these things and I still have a tremendous amount of work to do. This is why I have a daily practice or a close to a daily practice of meditation, of listening to podcasts, to listening to audiobooks and things. I try to invest a good half hour a day in my own personal development, particularly in the area of regulating my emotions. Because when you want something more from someone who's not sure, first you have to navigate the emotion that is causing the anxiety within you. This is why, folks, I want everyone to get this book. I haven't talked about this book in a while, Gary Zukoff, Spiritual Partnerships, A Journey to Authentic Power. Triggers are an invitation to heal. The spiritual partnership is first learning to become so complete within yourself that you can actually then possibly bond with someone else who's also in the same space. As my father would say, Isha'Allah. See, what if it's this? What if we're not meant to go the distance with people? Look at my father, married to my mother for 66 years. She died six years ago. He has spent 10% of their marriage single now. He's 98 years old, God bless his heart. I'm not expecting him to find a relationship. But guess what? The person who dies first gets off easy. Isn't that sad? The person who dies first gets off easy. But one of us is going to die alone. And by the way, if we're not in a relationship, we are going to die alone. So what is the journey all about? What is relationships all about? In my opinion, if you don't need a transactional relationship, and if you're tired of fucking conditional relationships, then maybe the true relationship is the journey with self. Maybe that's the true journey is to fall in love with yourself so much to have an amazing relationship with yourself that it doesn't matter whether you find a partner or not. And if you do a find a partner, it's because you got more shit to work on. And believe me, you know, you guys know I'm in a relationship and it triggers all of my shit. And I'm not, I can't speak for her, but I'm sure it does as well for her. And we have a really calm relationship, but it still triggers our stuff. Sadly, she had a tough childhood. So did I. We all had tough childhoods to some degree. Very few of us had the Ozzie and Harriet Child Island. And even those two kids from Ozzie and Harriet had their shit because the idyllic childhood just doesn't exist. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. So what's what's the point of this conversation? You want more and he's not sure. Yeah, that sucks. What's the what's the way around that? Folks, it's about emotional intimacy. It's about learning to communicate with one another in a whole new way. And this starts with radical honesty, right from the very first date, radical honesty. What does that mean? Being vulnerable, being authentic, being transparent, asking really good questions in the early stages, radical honesty, laying your cards on the table, sharing your past, because our past is a window into what's going to happen into the future. And then the rules of engagement. And what this is rules of engagement is this is my standard. I've shared with you my standard for most everyone is something like this. You spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy, traveling to dimension traveling, physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together, getting married. The best way to know someone really is to live with them. And I'm not I'm convinced now that our current dating process of spending a couple years with someone drags things out. When you live with someone, your shit comes up really quickly. It does. When you rather folks raise your hand, would you rather find out in six months of living together versus spending three years of dating, which would you prefer? And by the way, they both don't work out. Would you rather learn it in six months or three months? Let's say three to six months or would you rather it be three years? Which one would you choose? I know so many women that are in relationships that are two, three, four, five years old. And these relationships aren't going anywhere because the guy isn't sure because you guys didn't establish the rules of engagement right from the get go. You didn't lay your cards on the table. You've just operated from either a transactional or a conditional basis. You've been operating from I want companionship connection and sex, but without any real deep commitment. Folks, listen, now living together that can't that's not easy for everyone. Very few people can actually do that. I get it. I knew I knew a woman who spent three years traveling 200 miles every other weekend to see her boyfriend. She did most of the heavy lifting. They decided to get married. So she moved out there. She uprooted her children. It was a legal battle with her ex-husband. Only to find out six months living with them was a fucking disaster nightmare. She spent three and a half, four years of her life only to come back to where she lived with her tail between her legs to her husband after spending a thousand, tens of thousands of dollars in legal fees. Maybe we should set up pods for people to live in. When I say pods, we should have like outtake apartments to people. By the way, the minute you guys decide to have sex together, you have every right to ask for monogamy and exclusivity. And if you're going to do that, you have every right to some level of commitment. Maybe if you decide that you're going to explore the dynamic of getting into a relationship, you have to move into some place for one month, just live together just to see if it'll work out. And the challenge with that is you can be in the honeymoon period. That's the other fucking thing that throws a monkey wrench into this. People ask me, why is relationship so hard? These are the reasons why. And just remember, just meeting people alone is hard enough, especially when we have these ridiculously high standards we expect from people. It's no wonder it's a clusterfuck out there. Thankfully, my clients do very well. I get calls every week, Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. Jonathan, I met a great guy. And my point is they know the difference because they're not operating on this software system many of you have been sold from the moment you were born. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. So what's the conclusion all this? Do your inner work because the journey of life is about you finding the best relationship that exists on the planet and that's the relationship you have with yourself. That's my invitation. Read all the books you'll get there. All right, I think this will be a great place to answer questions. If you have a question for me and you know my format, write the word question and post the question there after. Or you can purchase a super sticker, super chat, all the monies from a super sticker, super chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there in the obey shirt. It's my son who passed away five years ago and in his honor, I donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and Seeds of Love, which is an organization helping children who have been abandoned by their parents in Columbia because they have a terminal disease. So there's a little dollar sign there and if you're watching the replay, please hit the super thanks button. All right, let's see what kind of questions we have today. Leafs in the house. By the way, everybody says that it looks like they'd rather find out in those three to six months rather than waiting three years. It's kind of figuring that's what you say. Leafs wants to say, Joth and your quote regarding triggers being an invitation to heal is akin to clinical therapist stating that narcissists and toxic relationships are in our lives to help us look within and grow. Yeah, I'm fairly, by the way, you know, if you want to adopt a victim consciousness and keep singing the narrative of the narcissist you be with, you're not going to heal. I think narcissists comes in our lives as an opportunity to heal ourselves, to love ourselves. See, the narcissist is so deplete of self love that they have to turn that love into a mirror of reflection from other people, my perception of this. And so they basically, what's it called narcissistic supply? They need the love of others to make them feel good about themselves. But why do we choose the narcissist? Because we need to love ourselves. They're fucked up, we're fucked up. And by the way, I dated narcissists, so I get it. Really one clinical narcissist. I've dated a lot of self-centered women, but listen, I live in Los Angeles. Have you guys ever watched the Beverly Hills Housewives or the, or the Orange County Housewives? We're swimming in a sea of entitlement here. So there's a lot of narcissistic personality out there. All right. Or self-centered. Let's just call it self-centered. Brian says, yes, we are all screwed up, but it's about doing the work and not saying you don't need it like a lot of men do. Exactly. A lot of men, listen, ladies, I get it. It's hard. A lot of men don't even do, they're not watching this stuff. Let me tell you something. I wouldn't be here, I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for a woman in my life. Women have helped me figure out who I am. You guys have been blessings, but I think it takes a woman for a man to get to his heart. Well, to begin, well, he has to choose to, he has to choose to want to do the healing. And I think women could be a catalyst for that. That's just my perception anyway. All right. If you have a question, write the word question, post the question there after, or purchase a super sticker, super chat. If we don't have questions, we're going to wrap up really early today. So I need your feedback. Give it to me, give it to me. I love it. I love it. I love it. All right. Susan says, after growing up, watching your parents own dysfunctional relationship, this is what we learn. No wonder we're a mess. You know, my mom and dad blessed their heart and they were, you know what, mostly good people, but believe me, they did a lot of shit to fuck me up. I didn't do it intentionally. You know, my best friend growing up, oh my God, his mom was a nightmare. She was such a self-centric person. And the fights her and her father had, her and her husband had, I mean, I witnessed this. Oh my God. And my best friend at the time had to grow up listening to all that shit. I think he's fairly well adjusted, but believe me, you know, we mostly had a lot of dysfunctional upbringing, whether we liked, whether we, and some had it really worse than others. You know, we had, I had garden variety of dysfunctionality. What about those that had abuse, sexual abuse, verbal abuse, alcoholic parents, emotionally distant fathers, all this stuff. No wonder so many of us are really bad at relationships. I'm no picnic at it. I'm willing to admit it. All right, Sharon's in the house. Why aren't friends with benefits really not good friends? So I said earlier that today we're seeing casual relationships as a long drawn out version of friends with benefits, but you're not really friends. What I mean to say is, doesn't a friend have your best interest at heart? Doesn't a friend someone you trust? So can you trust someone that's only in it for themselves? See a real friend has your best interest at heart. Now you can still be friend, like you can have two people that are, look at we're just in it for the sex and that's okay, but casual relationships don't, they don't define it that way. At least, you know, at least polyamorous people as an example, they're very clear. By the way, swingers are very clear. By the way, they have swingers, that whole community, polyamory, even within the gay and lesbian community, they are typically very upfront with their agreements. It's only heterosexual couples that are really so unclear. There's very few agreements made early on. This is why I created my dating vows. Where the heck is my dating vows? This is an agreement you make with another person. By the way, if you want to copy the dating vows, there's a link below to get a copy of this sheet. Have you ever heard the saying, women are the gatekeepers of sex and men are the gatekeepers of commitment? So the dating vows is just an agreement two people make, on or about the time you have sex that goes something like this. I put your name in the box, agree to explore the process to get to know you with the intent to declare something serious within three to six months. I agree to be monogamous sexually while we have regular sex together. I agree not to actively seek to meet and date others while we're in the dating process. I agree to speak up if this isn't working for me versus boasting, ghosting, pull a back, or disappearing. I agree to invest regular time in the process of getting to know you, which looks like whatever it looks like for you. 90% of guys will not agree to this. Those are the guys that are the users and the spenders. Those are the emotional, those are the clinical people or the dysfunctional people. That, hey, what's the definition of insanity? You know what, Jonathan? I'm going to keep doing the same thing over and over again because I'm a glutton for punishment because I'm going to prove you wrong. Folks, if he doesn't agree to it now, you think somehow your vagina is so magical that he's going to change? No. You're not that special and yet everybody has value. Let me just believe that. But when I say you're not that special, I'm here to say is you don't know a person until you really spend a lot of time with each other. So make some agreements ahead of time purely to determine if you guys can communicate at a higher level than the surface level conversations many of you having. But Jonathan, I'm in a long distance convert relationship. Yeah. How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. I'm thinking of you. Are you thinking of me? God, I hope you're thinking of me. Oh, I miss you. Do you miss me? I miss you. Oh my God, we have so much in common. We have so much in common. We're, oh my God, we're so compatible. I can't wait till we meet and it's been months and it's been years and blah, blah, blah. And when we finally meet, yeah, you're not that special. That's what happens today. All right, I did a rant there. I think you get the point. All right. Sharon, did I lay it on you? Did it help? Okay. Angel says, how people, how people one should date? I heard a life coach the other day say 13. I am not in favor of dating multiple people. I'm not in favor of kissing multiple people at the same time. So why would you date multiple people at the same time? It's not in favor of it. Hey, Jonathan, how do we fight your inner devil when your shortcoming slips, particularly the old way of thinking and feeling? I sometimes find it hard to battle, especially hormonal change. There's nothing easy about inner work. Meditation is a good start. Listening to, I listened to Abraham Hicks, Wayne Dyer, just to name a few. I read books. I mostly pay attention to my feelings. I allow myself to feel my feelings when I'm feeling sadness, loneliness, frustration. Whenever I feel anger, I go to the bedroom and I beat the shit out of the pillow to release that energy. I talk to people. I talk to people that really know what they're doing. There are a lot of people that don't know what they're doing in the realm of therapy and such. So I mean, they have good intentions, but I've surrounded myself with my committee, my confidants. Those are people I go to. I even have a coach. I interviewed my coach yesterday, Intuitive Sabrina. You can check out that video I did live yesterday. So that's just some of the things I do. I hope that helps, Weijun. Sammy's asked, been talking to a guy lately. I asked him what he wants in a relationship. He said forever, I'm a man, not a boy. I'm not used to a man saying things like that. What do you think of his answer? I would follow up. What does commitment look like for you? What does a relationship actually look like for you? If you're a man, I'd like to hear the man answer because the boy just says, Oh, well, let's just focus on having a good time. Let's just have a good time. It's all about having a good time. If you're a man, what are your intentions? Because real men, I hate that phrase, real men, grown up men have intentions, boys don't. So that's why I follow up. Let me know how that goes, Sammy. Okay. Susan says, my father spoiled my mother so badly, she had never even, wait, she never even put gas in her car until he died and taught her. He knew he screwed up. He taught me how to change a flat tire when I was starting to drive. Yeah, she could probably be very entitled. That's not a good thing. Thankfully, he didn't teach you that question. I've been starting to talk to a man who's going through a divorce. Oh, this is Angel, by the way. She's going through a divorce with two kids, 24 and 11. We have a lot in common. I'm single, no kids. I'm hesitant, but I enjoy our time together. Am I afraid? Well, I think you have some possible valid reasons. He's still raising an 11-year-old that could create some tension in a relationship. He might put his children above you as a priority. So I wouldn't be afraid, but I'd be curious. I'd be trying to find out his past relationship experience. I try to find out what his desires are. And before the penis ever goes inside the vagina, oh, Jonathan, I'm so offended by what you said. Read the book, eight dates. Simply read chapter one together about trust and commitment. He wants his penis inside your vagina, but he's not willing to read one chapter of a book with you. By the way, you want to make a guy jump through some hoops. The guys who jump through hoops, if it's not a competition for them, you have a greater chance of success. And believe me, there are plenty of guys that'll jump through hoops just because it's a competition for them. But you put the odds in your favor by making the guy through jump through hoops. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know. Elena says, I love Jonathan's rants. I love the ranch, Jonathan. Thank you so much. I get a kick out of ranting. I get a kick out of talking to myself sometimes. Roller Girl says, that was great. And Sharon comes back and says, your tough love is perfection. Thank you so much. Let's keep going. Angel says, exactly. I'm asking a lot of questions, Jonathan, of reading your book. I'm excited about that. Rebecca says, one of the biggest points is that if a man is not in a solid foundation, he can't be emotionally available. Exactly. Folks, after my divorce, I lost my high end corporate job, paying a shitload of money, going through a divorce, losing my job. The market crash of 2008, I was an emotional disaster. I was a wreck. I still wanted companionship. I still wanted connection. I definitely wanted sex. I mean, I've been horny since the day I was 10 years old. And yeah, I would go after companionship connection and sex. I thought I wanted a relationship, but boy, every time I got close to someone, I'd pull away. I'd get close. I'd pull away. I'd get close. I'd pull away. I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to be inconsiderate. I was just clueless. Most people after divorce are a mess. Men and women alike. A lot of women, you go out and sleep with younger guys. You go party for a while. You have a good time. You do the whole housewives of Orange County shit, only to find yourself in the exact same place, but older now. This is why I'm such an advocate of doing the inner work. And listen, I've done a shitload of work on myself and my crap still comes up for me. Anyway, all right, I went off on the tangent there. Let's keep going here. By the way, if you like this content, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. All right, let's keep going. Angel says this is resonating. Brian gives me a couple emojis and roller go validates that she loves my rants. All right, let's see if we have any more. Come on. I need questions. You got to feed the kitty. Post something. Anything. Tell me. Ask me a question. I need this. I need to have something to talk about. By the way, do you guys have any idea how hard this is to do this extemporaneously? This isn't easy. I need your feedback. Weijin is in the house. She was kind enough to give me a $1.99 super sticker. You changed my world so much. Thank you so much. The Connor Asley fund appreciates that. Laura said I put those all together and wait, put those all together and you got my upbringing. We just, you just have to search harder for what's normal since normal you never knew. Exactly. Margaret wants to remind us, yes, crap still comes up, Jonathan, but you see it more clearly and you gradually move away. Oh my God. Who I was five years ago versus today is night and day difference, but I still got my shit. Angela says, what kind of questions to ask on a first date? Do you enjoy giving oral sex? Okay. I would not ask. Oh, maybe I'd ask that question. No, I don't want to ask that question. Ask the question. What's the purpose of dating? I think that's an interesting question. By the way, thank you, Margaret, for the $7.99 super sticker. What's the purpose of dating? What's the purpose of a relationship? What does commitment mean to you? What does a relationship mean to you? What does it look like for you? By the way, I said that so fast, you're going to have to rewind it and listen to it again. But those are a couple of questions you ask. Hope that helps, Angel. Wanda wants to know, why don't you do rants when Marie is there? You know, we already get enough shit that I don't let her talk enough. I don't need to do, I do rant sometimes when she's there. It's just, it's easier when I'm sitting in the chair, the chair here versus the chair here. You know, Marie's not, you know, she, she's, you know, I don't want to say she doesn't like my style because that's not it. I think actually she said something to me the other day. She has a great deal of respect for me and what I do and how I go about doing it. I just think when we're together, it's a whole different dynamic. It's like, how are you with your friends versus how are you with your, your parents? How are you with your children? How are you with your lover? How are you with your boss? You're going to be different with each person, not that you're different. It's just you operate a little bit differently. So that's the why anyways. Giselle have a long distance relationship, how to maintain love through agreements and a plan and regular contact. Long distance relationships rarely ever work unless you spend a lot of time together regularly together. But Jonathan, we can't, we live 3,000 miles away. Well, then listen, win the lottery and change your living circumstances because believe me, it is a recipe for disaster unless you too have a plan. You know, that's, you know, the thing is long distance relationship so benefits guys because you girls, you girls will have sex with guys. And this guy doing long distance, he could be sleeping with so many other women in his town, but you guys will fall for it. I'm going to say a lot of women are stupid. A lot of men are assholes. So men are assholes and you're stupid. And please forgive me, Giselle. I know that's not, I'm not being nice to you. I'm not being compassionate. I'm just saying, if you don't have a plan, you spend regular time together. What's the definition of insanity? Ask any, how many of you have been in a long distance relationship that didn't work out? Raise your hand. By the way, every relationship is an opportunity to grow for yourself. I don't want to be, I want you, but you'll waste so much fucking time with something that's not real. That's what's so stupid. Anyway, please forgive me, Giselle. I'm sending you a big, gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of apology. Okay. Question, have you had friends with benefits relationship and how did they turn out? I've had lots of friends with benefits relationships. I've been very upfront. I'm not interested in a relationship with you, but I'll have sex with you and women are stupid because you guys think you can change us. Seriously. By the way, just like guys who are in the friend zone, the guy like, did you ever see the movie? Okay. That was the one with Dane Cook. But you guys in the friend zone think they can turn a woman around and women are friends or in friends with benefits. You think you can turn it around. I've been very upfront. COVID was an opportunity to have sex with people because we're all lonely and wanted connection. But for whatever reason, I didn't feel it strong enough to want to explore anything with them. But sure, I'm a guy. I'm going to be, by the way, I think what you appreciate about me is I'm not blowing smoke up your ass. I've done shit just like all the guys I warn you about how they turn out. Hey, look, and I'm in a relationship with Marie and we're living together. We're not friends with benefits. All right. Susie says, do you believe a man? Wait, do I believe I wait, do I believe a man I have known for three months who will say he's fundamentally Christian? So no physicality. I guess you have to see how his actions are. If he's fundamentally Christian, that means he most likely agrees to waiting to marriage to have sex. In the Jewish culture, I know that in a lot of cultures, you're not allowed to touch a woman until you're married. So I just got to see if he lives up to it. I doubt it because a lot of people are fundamental Christians, but they're hypocrites. A lot of people are fundamentalists and they're the biggest fucking hypocrites on the planet. But that's just my perception anyway. Hope that helps. All right. Any good books recommendations for dating a widower? Thanks, Elena. No, I don't. Hey, Google, are there any good books out there for people who are widowers? According to JoinKick, The Widower's Notebook by Jonathan Sandlofer. In the end, he wrote about how his wife's death left him devastated and feeling uncomfortable in his new identity as a widower. The Widower's Notebook also highlights the different ways in which men and women are expected to grieve in Western society. So The Widower's Journey, where's my book? Ouch. Where the hell is that book? Oh, God, I can't find it. Oh, I must have put it somewhere else. There's a book called The Secret Child. I'm actually in that book. I talk about Connor, but that's a grieving parent. So, yeah, check out The Widower's Journey. Hope that helps. What book are you reading now and why? I'm reading The Love Thief by Ariel Ford. I'll put it in my, it's downstairs, so if I had it handy. But it's called The Love Thief by Ariel Ford. She actually sent me an advance copy. She's a friend of mine, the author. She wrote the book Soulmate Secret. Do I have Wabi Sabi love? So it's called The Love Thief. Click the link below. I think I have a copy of it in my recommended books, The Love Thief. Linda writes, question from Down Under or DK, how do you gain trust when you have been sexually assaulted as a kid? I'm pausing only because building trust first is healing, first is healing and acceptance and to let go of any victim consciousness. Building trust requires, I believe, trust is built through the doing of things together, the examining and packing of our past, maybe doing workshops and couples groups and things together. I think these are opportunities to build trust. But that's a hard one for someone who has experienced sexual assault. So certainly healing is the first and most important piece. That's my invitation. Linda, if it's you, I'm sending you a big hug. Teresa says, thank you for always being so honest and vulnerable. Can we clone you? Much blessings to you and Marie and your beautiful family. Thank you so much. Believe me, I'm not that cloneable. I'm not, I don't look at, I've got, listen, I'm no picnic, okay? I'm grateful Marie puts up with me. But thank you, I appreciate that. Foxy says, what are some good questions to ask on a first date? I just already laid them out, so go back and rewind and listen to those. Yes, women do think they can change, man. You guys are stupid. Stop it. Hey, Jennifer's in the house. Let's give you a plug and say, joining late and saying, hello, I've only had friends with benefits, men who spoiled me and spent money on me. Women do this. Yes. By the way, I refuse to spend money on friends with benefits. I'm not, it's not, I'm not paying for prostitution. But that was me anyway. Susan says, we've had smoke blown up our ass all our lives. That's why we love our, your brutal honesty. Thank you so much. Someone asked Linda, have you looked into therapy or healing work? Yes, the book is called The Widow's Journey, noted. Honey wants to say, I just hope men we meet are brutally honest like you, Jonathan, at least now we know we've been stupid once. Okay, so ladies, you're walking down a street. You see a deep hole in the sidewalk, but you fall in. You're lost. You're helpless, but it isn't my fault. It's going to take you a long time to get out. You're walking down the same street. You see a hole in the sidewalk. You see it there. You fall in. You say, it still isn't my fault. It takes a long time to get out. You walk down that same street. There's a deep hole in the sidewalk. You see it there. You still fall in. It's a habit. It's my responsibility. You get out much quicker. Okay, why am I saying this? So what do all men want on a first date? They want sex. What drives a man into a relationship? Sex. Your job is to figure out, is he 90% all about sex? Excuse me. 99% all about sex? Is it 99%? He's totally dysfunctional and he needs a therapist? Or is he 50-50 like me? I like sex and I want a committed relationship. Your job is to find the guy who's 50-50. You, knowing that most guys are wanting sex or wanting a therapist, if you know it going in, you can be a little bit less attached. Remember I started this broadcast all about attachment. Attachment to an outcome. One of Marie's gifts is she has a capacity to not get attached to an outcome. It's one of the things I appreciate about her. It doesn't mean we're not attached to each other, but not attached to the outcome. See, she, Jester says, the self-luck book would be the bomb for most of us. Get my book. Get my book. Get my book. It's linked below. Thank you so much. All right. Oh, the book, The Love Thief by Arielle Ford. Arielle Ford, not Arielle, not Arielle, not Arielle Speedwagon. Arielle Ford. Thank you. Let's keep going here. Jennifer just wants to remind us, we can't change anyone, accepting someone for who they are is how relationship goes the distance. I love Goldie On and Kurt Russell's relationship. Yeah, from what I understand, they have a really good relationship. By the way, they didn't need a piece of paper with the government to be together for almost, I think, 40 years. I'm starting to wonder if marriage, you know, it binds us to, it certainly it's an agreement or some validity to it, but I just don't like the fact that when it doesn't work out, that the courts have more rights than I have, that a judge has more rights than I have. I'm not sure I'm a fan of that. I believe in spiritual marriages. I believe in spiritual contracts. I might even believe in domestic partnerships, but I don't think I'm not sure I want an agreement with the government. Just something to ponder anyway. And by the way, if you can break a marriage, if you can get divorced anyway, how much value does it have? All right. Let's keep going. I know you guys are talking about GG. Someone give me some more questions. I need more. I need more. I need more. Wait, what does Goldie Han say? Goldie Han says she doesn't want to change Kurt at all. She loves him for who he is plus she thinks women should have their own money. Oh yeah. Did you guys see that video from Goldie Han when she was younger? She talked about, I sent it to someone. Let's see if I can find this. Hold on a second, everybody. This was brilliant. Hold on. Bear with me for one second. I know I saw this, Goldie Han. Oh, here it is. Money is the biggest problem with all of this because if every woman in this room was independent, if she was someone who had her own money, her own understanding of how to use and her own resources, marriage would take a very different view today because that is why we can all sit up here and say, well, I choose to be married. No, we get to choose. It has to do with it creates a entire freedom. You have a base. You've made yourself a root system. You've been able to stand on your own two feet and you don't have to say, honey, I saw the cutest dress today. Oh, so cute. I love it. So when you don't have to put that on and you really can come out with all of who you are, with all of your likes and dislikes and all of your things that you prove up and you disapprove of, and you have the freedom to say it because you have the freedom to survive. Money. Money. What do you think of that one? I saw that the other day. I was like, whoa, I love that she said that. Remember, I started this conversation talking about transactional relationships. I talked about the Red Pill community, how they are encouraging men to hyper-focus on being the provider protector so they can find a housekeeper, chef, and a prostitute or sex worker. That's the transaction. What Goldie is saying is, you don't have to be the housekeeper, the chef, or the sex worker in the relationship, because when you have the power to leave whenever you want, then it puts the relationship on a more equal footing. This is why I'm such a big proponent of the dating process being revised into a mutual effort of two people instead of our traditional dynamic. Many of you love the idea of men doing all the work and paying for everything, but guess what? It gives them the idea that they're entitled to whatever they want. When you're mutually investing into the relationship, you have a greater chance for relationship success. That's my opinion anyway. All right. Roller Go wants to remind us to love Goldie. Yeah, I thought so. All right, let's see what else we have here. Goldie is throwing down some serious wisdom. Yeah, I thought that was pretty interesting. Jonathan, I have to just ask the man, not a boy, what does commitment look like to you? A waiting response. I hope you pass on the information and let us know what he says. All right. Angel, what's your opinion on ongoing 50-50? I'm hearing a lot about this on dating channels here on YouTube. Okay, so I don't like the term 50-50. I like mutually investing. Now, as far as from a financial perspective, the person that has the most should invest the most. I think the appropriate thing to do, but if two people make $100,000 a year or let's just say $75,000 a year, then you can eat, depending on your debts and your assets and liabilities, I think investing in the relationship should be relatively mutual or within some sort of guideline. Think about if you're married, you're going to put your resources together and usually take from that pool most likely. Okay, so when it comes to dating, I'm a big proponent of women going, hey, can I, you know, like if a guy took you out a couple of times, hey, can I take you out for a drink? I want to show my appreciation. I want to show you that you're worth it. But Jonathan, that's me being in my masculine energy and his penis is going to shrivel up. He's going to turn into a feminine guy because I just asked him out for a fucking drink. I'm so masculine. I just laugh at that shit. Do any of you laugh at that shit? I really do have to laugh at that stupidity in my opinion. A guy's penis doesn't shrivel because you just say, can I take you out to dinner? And by the way, any guy who rejects it and dismisses you with a level of contempt, this is a fucking control freak. Be careful of the guy who can't accept your generosity because guess what? He wants to control things. Be very careful of that. And if a guy feels dismissed because you offered to take him out, if he feels emasculated, what's wrong with generosity? The whole point of treating on a date is to say thank you. It's to be generous. Well, but women can do things they can bake cookies for them. You know, the man should pay and a woman can bake cookies. Okay. Well, first off, cookies aren't good for you anyway. And how often are you inviting them out to dinner to your home? And I get it. It costs a lot of money to cook at home, but it's not as much as spending out, you know, dinners, drinks and all that sort of thing. So invest a few bucks into a guy just to determine if he's a control freak or an asshole that can't receive. That's my opinion on that Angel. Brian's in the house again. My fiance found a letter from my ex-wife mother, mother that is 15 years old, my ex-wife mother, and now thinks I am cheating on her with my ex-wife. I told her I would never, I would never things to blow up, but I feel like this is her way out. You know, unfortunately, and this is going to sound very judgmental, we have a lot of low vibrational people that are quick to, you know, to turn an innocent thing into some major catastrophe. Have you ever heard of drama queens? Look it, if it was innocent on your part and she's blowing up, she's a low vibration person that's got a shitload of healing to do in her life. And if this is her way out, do you really want her, Brian? Do you really want her? Listen, I recognize that was judgment on my part, so I know you're most likely very attached to her, but my guess is there's a lot of other crap in your relationship you're not happy with. That's why you're on my channel. So that's my two cents. Show her this clip from this and see how she responds. Let's see. How do you uncover a dangerous man? What questions would you bring out this? Hmm, dangerous man. I would do background checks to do your best to find out if they're a dangerous man. Find out as much about their past. I mean, that's, it's sometimes, you know what, sometimes we're going to experience dangerous people. From a spiritual perspective, it's not about the questions you ask. It's about staying in your lane, not getting attached to someone, especially if they're using words to entice you to fall in love with them. Angel says, great insight and wisdom. Thank you, Jonathan. You're very welcome. Leif wants to say, Brian, wow, so sorry. Why don't you let things calm down and go to a park or somewhere out of your home where control has to be exercised? Just ask her compassionately. Better to know now. Yeah, that's one way of doing it. I just think someone who blows up over innocent shit is probably a drama queen, is my guess. This isn't the first time you've dealt with it. And Margaret wants, Susan wants to remind Margaret, you can do a background check for as little as $20. Brian says, I agree. Thank you. You're very welcome. Hey, it's been an hour. I usually go 50 minutes, but now I've been going an hour for fun. Did you find value in this? If you did, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel. If you have something to say, post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. And if you're watching the replay, please hit that super, super thanks button and show some love by contributing to the Connor Asley Scholarship Fund. Is this thinking in? Thank you so much. Okay, I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do. First off, give myself a big gigantic Jonathan Barrow to self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love, if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or a pillow. Give Iter them a hug of love, because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we can all use more love in our lives. I want to thank Angel and Leafs and Margaret and Brian, Roller Girl and Dee Dee and Gigi and Angel and Leafs. If I mentioned that before, Rebecca, Margaret, Denise, Sammy, Linda, Albinita, Rebecca. I already said that. Jennifer, thanks everyone. Sending love. Be well. Bye now. Bye-bye.