 The Columbia Broadcasting System presents a new comedy. My friend Irma. Starring Marie Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane, with John Brown as Al, and life Ericsson as Richard. Friendship, friendship, just a perfect blend, ship, when other friendships have been forgot. Bears will still be hot. My friend Irma. Knowledge is like the strong bow of a sturdy ship. That's true, I live with the wreck of the Hesperus. My friend Irma, let me describe her to you. She's 5'2", with blonde hair and brown eyes, pretty little nose, likes to wear low heels because they go so well with her IQ. I don't get me wrong, I love Irma. She's sweet, and she's kind, and there are times when, well for instance, the other night we just finished dinner and I said, Irma, why are you bringing that bag of garbage back into the apartment? And Irma said, well, I don't collect it until morning and I don't want anybody to steal it. You see what I mean? It's nothing to laugh at, could happen to you. But it happened to me. Right now, for instance, I've got another problem. Irma is a fifth of a hypochondriac. Right now, she thinks she's sick. She's lying stretched out on the sofa with an ice bag on her head and a hot water bottle at her feet. Irma doesn't know what she has, but whatever it is, she's going to stop it. It both ends. Irma, honey, what do you think is wrong with you now? Jane, I don't know, but when I woke up this morning, my arm was stiff. Well, so what, honey? You probably slept on it and fell asleep. Is that normal when I'm asleep? The other rare to go? Oh, Jane, I've got symptoms. Oh, Irma Peterson, will you stop this nonsense? There's nothing wrong with you. You're as well as I am. Oh, you'll regret those words when you have to bury a healthy woman. Oh, Irma, you're ridiculous. You're laughable. Yes? Well, they laughed at Thomas Edison, and he's dead. Honey, what makes you so sure that you're sick? Well, I'm breaking out in a cold sweat, and I see spots in front of my eyes. Irma, the ice bag is leaking, and your mascara is running. Well, don't try to make me feel good when I know I'm dying. Now, let me see. What shall I wear? Wear? What are you talking about? Well, Jane, I want to look nice when my time comes. I think I'll wear an evening gown. No, on second thought, I don't want to go formal. Hello, Richard. Hello, Jane. Say, Irma, what's the matter with you? Oh, Richard, I have no strength. My vitality feels like a sap. Well, don't bother with Irma, Richard. She's got another one of her imaginary ailments. Which one? I don't know. We've run out of names. Jane, you're not trying. Jane, Jane, I've got some good news for you. We've hired a new branch manager at our Chicago office, and the company wants you to go there to familiarize him with our procedure. Me? To Chicago? Oh, that's wonderful. Irma, did you hear? Oh, yes, Jane. You're going to Chicago. Oh, how lucky for you. You'll see the stockyards and the Eiffel Tower. And the Eiffel Tower. That's in Paris. The stockyards? No. The Eiffel Tower. Oh, what's the difference? Richard, when do I leave? Tomorrow morning. Now, you get a plane out of here at 5 o'clock at LaGuardia Airport. And all the arrangements have been made for you. Richard, you're the nicest boss a girl ever had. I hope I'll handle it all right. You'll do a wonderful job, Jane. That's because you're sweet and prejudiced. Goodbye, and have a pleasant trip. Goodbye, Irma. Keep well. Stay as sick as you are. Oh, thanks. You're going to Chicago, and you won't be here to take care of me. I'll have to call up Chicago to see what my temperature is. Irma. Will you stop this nonsense? You know, if I thought for one minute that you were really sick, I'd cancel my trip, and I'd stay home and nurse you back to health. But I will not put up with a hypochondriac. It's all in your mind. Jane, go if you wish. Far be it from me to stop you. But when you come back and find an empty chair, I won't be in it. How will I know? Listen to me. Will you help me pack and stop this death scene from Camille? You're perfectly healthy, honey. And if you get lonely, there's always Al. Dear old unemployed Al. Jane, please don't mention Al. You see, Al and I could never be married now. I'm not well, and Al has principles. He would never allow himself to be supported by a sick woman. Must be the grim reaper calling for me. Oh, stop. Come in. Hiya, chicken. Not the reaper, but believe me, it's pretty grim. And take it easy on me, Janey. It's been a murderous day. Gee, what happened, Al, honey? Got called down by the income tax people. Something wrong with my return. Well, that's ridiculous. You haven't had a steady job for years. Yeah, well, they're not quibbling about the income. It's the deductions. They want to know about that buck I gave for the Democratic Committee. Oh, well, what about it? I put President Truman down as a dependent. Hey, chicken, what are you doing squandering money? Every time I see you, you've got a new hat on. Al, this is an ice bag. Honey, you ain't sick, are you? No, Al, no. Irma's not sick. She just thinks she is. I haven't got the time to pamper her. I'm leaving tomorrow morning for Chicago. Chicago? Uh-huh. Wonderful city. Yeah. You used to have a panel there. He was a night worker at the stockyards. But he got fired. Why? He used to count sheep and fall asleep. Hey, look him up, will you? Great feller, all wool in a yard wide. Yeah. Fine, fine. I'll have him up for tea. Al, will you please get Irma to stop acting like a child? I've got to go out and buy some luggage. I'll be seeing you. Al. What, chicken? I think I'm dying. I'll stop breathing. Chicken, the ice bag just slipped over your nose. There's nothing wrong with you. It's all in your mind. All in my mind? Why, certainly, honey. The mind is very tricky, you know. Let me describe the human brain to you. The brain is located midway between your head. And it's tied at both ends by the ears. This is known as the eerie canal. Now, your entire brain is protected by a milky fluid. And when too much of this collects in one place, you lose your memory. Oh, yes, I've heard of that. It's called milk of amnesia. Oh, come in. It's only me, Professor Kropotkin. Hello, Al. Irma, my little unshovey, what's wrong with you? Irma thinks she's sick. Sick? Got just the doctor, Dr. Varenyake. What a man. Keeps me in pink of condition, healthy like an ox. Don't know what I do without him. Oh, he's so good. Why are you so skinny? I've got to work like a horse to pay his bills. Tell me, Irma, what's wrong with you? Well, I don't feel right. I think I should have a doctor. Professor, you've got to help me convince Irma that she's well and that it's all in her mind. Certainly. Irma, don't be a child. Forget that you're sick. Think of pleasant things. Think of this lovely room. Think of the fine, handsome, successful boyfriend you get. You know something? There's nothing pleasant in your life. Why, lady, I'm very depressed. Keel, don't think I'm putting this on. I realize there's nothing like sickness to ruin a person's health. Chicken, you're not sick. Now repeat after me. It's all in my mind. It's all in my mind. Again, it's all in my mind. It's all in my mind. You got it? Yeah, I'll accept for one thing. What's that? What's all in my mind? Chicken, will you forget it? You're not sick. Now come on, see me to the door and give me a big kiss, huh? Chicken, when you kiss me, why do you close your eyes? I like to guess who it is. Glad to see you're feeling better. Well, remember now, it's all in your mind. Goodbye. Goodbye, Al, honey. Gee, I'm glad I've got something on my mind. I used to be so lonely. Well, I think I'll open the window for some air. I'll escape all alone. I got you. Oh, don't be silly. It's all in your mind. Come up here and tell me all about it. I'm all my shopping, and I'm all set to go to Chicago. Gee, you know, I'm going to miss Irma. I'd like to take her along, but I can't. Chicago's the windy city, and every time the wind whistles, Irma will call a cop and say that someone's getting fresh. But thank goodness I know she's not sick and nothing can happen to her and spoil my trip. What makes you think you've got the measles? Well, what are all these red spots on my face? Well, it could be anything. Maybe you were eating Swiss cheese in the sun. It's my body, and besides, my old man's a doctor. So what, doctors aren't inflammable. Would you start over again, Irma? You lost me. Well, all right, I'll explain it to you because you're a child. You see, Merman, your brain is covered with a milky substance, which comes from the eerie canal. I got to straighten you out, Irma. You're in left field, believe me. I have measles, which is an infectious malady characterized by the appearance of a peculiar eruption in Qatar of the head. A two-week period of incubation is followed by chills, fever, and dusky red eruptions in the form of prosthetic groups. Is that the way to talk to your elders? You know Merman. Yeah, sure. Tell me, honey, how do you feel? Well, I feel fine, but Merman here thinks he has measles. Tell him it's all in his mind. What? Oh, no. No. No. See, Merman, Jane says no. No. No, you haven't got measles. Irma. What, Jane? Can't you see Merman has got the measles? Jane, you forget your own words. It's only in his mind, except on him a little leaked out. Now between the acts of my friend Irma, it's the sportsman quartet and their novel arrangement of Across the Alley from the Alamo. Across the alley from the Alamo lived the fiddle pony and the Navajo, who sang a sort of Indian hi-he-ho to the people passing by. The fiddle spanned his time of squishing flies, and the Navajo watched the lazy skies. And very, very did they ever rest their eyes on the people passing by. One day they went a-walkin' along the railroad track. They were squishing, not lookin', tuk-tuk. They never came back. Across the alley from the Alamo, when the summer sun decided to settle low, a-fly sings an Indian hi-he-ho to the people passing by. Across the alley from the Malamo, no live from pony and no Navajo. No singin' any Indian hi-he-ho to the people passing by. How, how, how, how, by, by, by, by, by, how. One day take them walk along them iron horse track. They swish them, not look them, tuk-tuk. They never come back. A-fly singin' Indian hi-he-ho to the people passing by. When happy-hudding browns live on pony and the Navajo say them sound, they sing them, dance them round and round with a manger. Just peachy. Just before I'm to leave for Chicago, Irma decides to play hostess to a boy with measles. Oh, that's what I love about Irma. She never goes out looking for trouble. She brings it right into the house. So I called Dr. Miller and I explained the situation to him. And he told me not to worry. He didn't know whether I'd gotten the measles or not. The main thing was to get a good night's rest. So I took his advice. Tumbled into bed and was prepared to drop off into dreamland. And I suddenly heard a voice from the opposite bed saying, Jane, I turned around and there was Irma sitting up in bed cutting little round pieces of adhesive. Jane. Irma, what are you going to do with all that stuff? Well, in case I get the measles, I'll cover the spots with them and no one will know I'm sick. They'll just think I cut myself while shaving. Look, honey, I've got to get a good night's sleep. Please go to bed and drop off into slumber. Oh, mother. Yeah, she's here. Irma, talk to him and make it fast, huh? Hello, Al, huh? It's supposed to measles. No, good doctor? Jane, Jane, Al knows a vet. A vet? Well, don't be ridiculous. Jane, I think we should give our business to a war hero. Irma, hang up. I'll give you a kiss. Measles are contagious. Will you hang up? And let's get some sleep. Goodbye, Al. What is it now? Do you mind if I say my prayers? Oh, no, of course not, honey. Down to bed. Heard each word I've said and it got dead. That's very sweet, Irma. Well, wait, P.S. Please get Al a job. Yeah, all right, all right. Good night, honey. Good night. Irma, what are you bleep blooping about? Well, the water's dripping in the basin. I can't sleep. Well, you used it last. You shut it off. Well, well, just dream you're at Niagara Falls and it won't bother you. Did you try dreaming about Niagara Falls? Yes, I did. We got a room at a hotel, but the water dripped and I couldn't sleep. Oh. All right, I'll shut it off. Irma, what is it now? I can't sleep with the window open. Well, I can't sleep with the window closed. Good night. Jane, are you asleep? Irma, are you asleep? Irma? Irma, are you asleep? Yes, but you can open the window. It's your turn. Thanks. Good night. Good night. What program am I listening to? Widow Brown faces life. It doesn't go on till Wednesday. I'll wait. Goodbye. Oh, if I don't get some sleep, Mr. Hogan upstairs just got home. Probably tight again. Yes, there goes his shoe. Yeah, there goes the other. They can't have three feet. Oh, I wonder what it was. I think he struck Mrs. Hogan. I think she struck back. Quiet again, but what difference does it make now? My head is just splitting. Oh, I'll get it. Well, Jane, it's Richard. Oh, dear, no. I don't want him to know I may have the measles, and yet I couldn't lie to him. You talk to him, honey. Tell him anything. I'm taking a bath. Or I ran down to the drugstore. Hello, Richard. Well, Jane isn't here. She ran down to the drugstore to take a bath. No. I just went downstairs to leave a note in the bottle for the milkman, so he'll know I'm in Chicago. Oh, Jane went downstairs to get a bottle because she's going to Chicago with the milkman. Hold it, honey. Good honey. Oh, no. Give me the phone, will you? Hello, Richard. Richard, I'm sorry. It's just that I'm so upset. Why'd you call me so late? The weather looks bad, and you'd rather I took the train? Oh, well, why, Richard? Huh? Because you love me? Oh, Richard, that's just so hard. It's just that I just want to get some sleep. Goodbye, Richard. You want an aspirin, Jane? No, I'll be all right. I just want to get some sleep. Would you care for a peanut butter sandwich? No? With jelly? Irma Peterson, I beg of you, keep quiet. I'm not for you. Bring a kid up here who has the measles. You know I have to leave for Chicago in the morning. You know I need a good night's rest. Maybe I ought to go to a hotel. That's a good idea. I'll go with you. You'll do nothing of the sort. Oh, Father, who is it? Me, Professor Krapat. Oh, well, will you wait till we put some robes on? All right, you can come in. Hello, girls. I'm sorry to disturb you at such a late hour, but I met Al. He said you may be sick. Well, I think we're getting the measles. So what are you worried about? Measles is nothing. Just freckles with high blood pressure. And how do you know you got it? Well, we've been exposed to it. So what? Al has walked past employment offices for six years. He still hasn't got a job. No, no, Professor. I'm sure I'm getting measles. Oh, Professor, tell her it's all in her mind. Jane, he's turning out to be a real hypodermic. Irma, don't needle me. I'm not the type of person who imagines. Why are my feet cold? You're standing on my ice bag. Oh. Don't be ridiculous. I know symptoms. I'm pretty sure I've got the measles. Listen to me, Janey. You are bebing yourself. And that I can't stand. You've got to have discipline. Look at me. I got chills, too. I got terrible headache. I got a pain in my back. You know something, girls? You're talking to a very sick man. Beg immediately. Good night. Irma, there's only one thing to do. It's the only decent thing to do. I've got to call Richard and explain this whole thing. Hello. Hello, Richard. Jane, Richard, I can't go to Chicago. I'm getting the measles. Don't you dare say it's in my mind. Richard, please, you're not talking to Irma. I don't imagine things. Well, goodbye, Richard. Here's a kiss for good luck. Oh, Jane, don't kiss him. You know, measles are contagious. Just shake hands with him. Yeah, I'll do that. Good night, Richard. Oh, Irma, I better get into bed. Where's the rubbing alcohol? I loaned it to Al. He's entertaining friends. Dr. Miller? Hello, girls. I just got back from the hospital. I want to apologize for not being able to see you soon. Oh, Doctor, it's much too late. You see, I caught the measles from Merwin. That's what I wanted to tell you. Merwin is a hypochondriac. He has a strawberry rash, so he calls it measles. Only a strawberry rash? Yes. Oh, oh, Irma, I feel like such a fool. Everything I said about you is true about me. Yes, only I'm younger. Yeah. Well, I've got to call up Richard and tell him I can go to Chicago after all. I don't understand. You see, Doctor, I told Jane it's all in her mind. Just like this morning, when I felt sick, they convinced me it was all in my mind. You were sick this morning? Yes, but it's only my imagination. Hello, Richard. Richard, I just called to tell you I have some wonderful news. Hold it, Jane. What is it, Doctor? I just took a look at Irma. She's got the measles. Richard, oh, the wonderful news? See you in two weeks. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.