 Okay, let's try a new playbook. We're gonna try the run and shoot playbook. Hey, coach, don't screw it up. Listen up, Phil, what do you mean don't screw it up? You're on the damn team. Why are you saying don't screw it up? Okay, you should be the one saying that to yourself. Hey, coach, just got off the phone with the commissioner. He has decided that a lose this game will change your record two to three automatically. That doesn't make any sense. That's literally impossible. Why are you talking to the damn commissioner? You're a player. That's not your damn job. That ain't even my job. We have the 0 and 4 Detroit Lions, okay? They're coming in here and listen, they're here to make a damn statement, okay? Because what you gotta realize, as these teams come in, I don't give a damn what their record is. These folks are hungry. Their season ain't over yet. What better way to turn their damn season around than to come into Dallas, Texas? Out of all the boys, which one would you take camping? Would you give us a nice bear hug as we drift off to sleepy land? We are about to play a damn football game and you're worried about camping. You keep thinking like that, you can worry about camping, you're sorry ass outside the damn stadium. What the hell's wrong with you, son? Good, God Almighty. We need to go out there and play our football. There ain't no better thing in the world for their season than to come here into this damn house, okay? Here in Arlington, Texas, and beat the undefeated football team in the NFL. The lone undefeated football team in the NFL, I believe. Hey coach, I think someone put something in my jockstrap cause everything itches and smells funny. Did you forget to lock up last night? No, there wasn't nothing in your jockstrap, there was something in your wife's coochie, okay? You'd better go see a doctor after the damn game, don't shower while everyone else is showering. Good Lord, we gotta get out there, we gotta play the damn game, hey! I know you said to talk to the nutritionist about pizza, but when I asked, he told me to go away. So I'll ask again, can we get some pizza? Good God Almighty, George means break them out. Let's go win this damn game. Okay, here we go, Patterson. Hey coach, don't screw up a four to zero season. Oh, what? Oh, he's gonna take a shot right away. Why did it even let me throw the ball? I ran. Now on third and long, they'll look to throw. Throw's right side. Okay, good. Okay, now we're gonna get the ball moving, Chad. They run the option here on first and 10, and he slips up past the, get the snap, can he hand off, can he just execute? Okay. Looking for Watkins, and it's intercepted. He's picked off in his own 46, and he will bring it back. That's a ball he would like to have back. Yeah, no shit. Are you kidding me, announcer? Dude, Tolbert is gonna end up being such a good draft pick, man. No! Put your hands up in the air. That was a touchdown, dude. And on third and looking to throw, Patterson, intercepted, picked by Jeff Acuda. He's got daylight. He's at the 40. You can't, you gotta be kidding me. I'm telling you, my receivers suck. So they throw the pick six, they'll get another shot at it now, as this one's in the air. Takes it at the seven. Oh! Turn up past the 30, past midfield. No! Dude, what is this game, dude? What is this game? There's been three touchdowns scored, and none of them have been on offense. Rookie quarterback Paul Grant getting the start. First overall pick. Nice, dude. Okay, that was not very promising for the first overall pick. Nice! Big run. Hey, we're getting the momentum back, chat. Hey, chat, what did I tell you about the rule of 14? There's always a chance, dude. Oh, we're running it here, dude. Look at that big hole in the middle. Look at that. Their defense is so spread out. Nice! Brick! Oh, yes. This is also insane. Ready? Oh, ref! Thank you, the flag! Ref, all game they've been doing that ref. Thank you, ref. What? Nice! Clean, dude. Step up in the pocket, boo. Hell of a first half, okay? We had a little bit of adversity coming out there, didn't we? I told you these sudden bitches were gonna come out. They're gonna come smack you in the mouth, didn't I? Hey, it don't matter if they were on four. They're gonna come out here. They're here to save their damn season. Their damn season is on life support, okay? They're gonna play the best football they can. So we get a little bit of adversity. We come out zero to 14 right off the bat. Patterson, you've got to get the ball there faster. Okay, this is the NFL. This ain't college no more. You've got to be able to get the ball there. Otherwise, it's gonna get intercepted. I guarantee you it is. So glad to be healed and back on the field, but I don't think the duct tape is the best fix for broken ribs. Gordon and Coral. It's not going to hold much longer. Gordon, listen, you'll be fine. We just put a little bit of duct tape on it and your broken ribs will be okay. You gotta get your ass back there. And hell of a job, by the way. Two and a half sacks. Coach, you forgot your sandals again. I don't need no damn sandals, okay? We're fine. I need to see some deep throws. So I need you to go out there, Patterson. Stop throwing damn interceptions. Let's get the ball out there deep, okay? We're gonna go out there and we're gonna win the damn game, okay? Hey, Coach, really feeling the momentum I saw that ice cream on the bus can't be left for the party. No, no, we're not having no ice cream party that was not ice cream on the bus. Okay, let's go out there. Let's kick some ass. Gordon, Coral, break him out. Lucas here. Here we go, third down. That's exactly what they need to keep doing. Big Gs back to throw. Patterson. That is good. No! And the Cowboys will fake it. And that one goes virtually. A loss on that play. What? Ben Malone. Perfect timing, user pick. Come on. All right, that's game chat. We're taking over. This game's starting to snowball out of control. Dude, why is Paul Grant playing so bad? His rating? Pretty good. Back to throw. Patterson. Oh, what? Oh, revs. He's gonna be accepted for the third time thus far. No way. He's gonna drop by Malik Hooker. Come on. Okay, come on, come on. Please, please, please interference. That's very important. Oh, my gosh, there. You're gonna have to lead a case. There's too much to handle on the other side in this one. Oh, yes. Gordon, Carl, his first game back from injury. Nice, dude. Oh, very fancy. The Pinky Hunter, of course. Thank you. Oh, Fumble. Jimmy Madden. Nice. Is that an easy no? We're just owning. A gain of a place to go with a terrific job on the edge. So he couldn't accept that. And he's gonna be intercepted a third time. Preparation throw, deep downfield. Oh, come on, Stills. He's got to catch that 50-foot ball. What are you doing? Looking to throw, Patterson. Nice. Dude, doubters are just getting dunked on this season. That was obviously a hell of a football game. We were really, really proud of the way our, uh, our, uh. Eric here from the World Wide Media International conglomerate. Your tough love coaching method of teasing ice cream parties and camping with your favorite players but never delivering and withholding has garnered a lot of hate and criticism from other teams. I have never once. Why do you think the current roster has adapted so well under such a tyrannical ruler? Okay, well here, first things first. I never promised ice cream at all. That was something they asked for. And I just said, no. You know, it's just bad thing. I don't know what the hell you're talking about. I think Ed Patterson throughout the first five games of the season has proven he has what it takes to play here in the NFL. But listen, this is a team effort, team win because, and it has to be. A super sweaty and drunk Tony Roma walks into the room. You stole my job, you son of a bitch. I was supposed to lead the steam and now they've got me commenting. Roma, Tony, Tony. Freaky coach him going to go get ice cream if any players want to join me. Tony, you haven't played for damn near eight years at this point. Congrats coach on beating in zero to four lion steam that has no defense. Your QB has thrown another two plus INT game along with more pick sixes. Are you going to trade him like you did with Dax? No, no. Listen, the difference between Patterson and a lot of his other fellas is he's been able to actually get the ball to the receivers, which is a huge issue that we had with our other quarterbacks unfortunately. We went out there using some of the run and shoot concepts and stuff that we implemented in the playbook. And again, he's done a really good job with that. Hey coach, Rebecca with a K from Buzzfeed. There was a lot of fumbles today. Do you owe the stripping power of the defense to all the extra time the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have been spending in the locker room before and after games? No, no, that did not happen at all. Okay, that is not something that has occurred. I don't know what all you're saying about all that now. But yes, we have worked extra in practice to attack the football. That's a key for our defense. Turnovers, turnovers, turnovers. Every time that quarterback puts that ball on the air, that is not the offensive ball. That is not the offensive ball. That ball is whoever wants to go get it. Thanks for info, coach. We'll be sure to write that in the paper tomorrow. No, that's not what I said. Y'all just like to go and y'all make a bunch of fake news and twist my words like some dad gum word wizard and turn something I'm saying into something else. I'm out of here. I'm out of here, okay? Hey coach, woe Joe here from the Detroit News. Can you comment on allegations that you were seeing earlier getting ice cream with Jared Goff prior to him needing to be replaced due to an upset stomach? No, no, that did not happen. There's no ice cream. I'm leaving. Hey coach, before the game, I was approached by a woman giving lamb jobs. No, we're not. I of course took up the offer and that's why I played so well. I took your credit card and paid her to so she can travel with the team and give everyone lamb jobs before the game. Hey, I'm in a damn press conference. Get the hell out of here. I'm leaving, no further questions. Good Lord.