 RCA Victor, world leader in radio, first in recorded music and first in television, presents the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show. And here is the Phil Harris Alice Faye Show transcribed, written by Jack Douglas and Marvin Fisher, with Elliot Lewis, Walter Tetley, Janine Roos and Whitfield, the orchestra under the direction of Skip Martin, and yours truly, Bill Foreman. First, a word from RCA Victor. Ladies, let me introduce you to a real friend of the family, a new RCA estate space king range. Yes, if your family is just a bit cramped for space, if your family likes plenty of good food cooked to perfection, then you'll give a hearty welcome to a space king. First of all, these newest RCA ranges take only 30 inches of wall space, yet they give you full-size performance. The super-sized oven roasts the largest turkey, holds a banquet for 20 big eaters. Talk about cooking area. There's room to spare on top of a new RCA estate space king, and so many other features never before built into a range so compact. You can buy either a gas or electric RCA estate space king range, and prices start at an unbelievably low $149.95. So don't wait. See the brand new RCA estate space king ranges at your dealers now. And now the stars of the RCA Victor program, Alice Faye and Phil Harris. It's the habit of most men in the business world to get up very early, have their breakfast and then leave for their place of business, where they do such things as negotiate contracts, draw the plans for a bridge, or perhaps they complete the design of a new ocean liner. Like these other tycoons of industry, Phil Harris rose early this morning, had his breakfast, and now he's already hard at work at his business. New Cadillac hubcaps have got a real crazy tone. Practice with those drums in the living room. What's the matter? What's the matter? You've got the goldfish so scared they're all over in one corner of the bowl. Do you think them goldfish are scared? Well, you see the canary. The past 15 minutes he's been banging on the cage with his tin cup, screaming for the warden. So you have to practice, but you have to do it every morning? Honey, you have to keep touch. You have to keep that feel. You can do what you want to, but the Chamber of Commerce has called up three times and asked you not to beat those tom-toms. They said we've had enough rain. That's the way it goes. An artist is never appreciated until he's dead. How did you know that was one of their suggestions? All right. Nevertheless, I've been practicing all morning and I've finally got it just right. Alice, listen to this. How'd you like it? Like what? What was it? What was it? Alice, don't tell me you didn't recognize Stranger in Paradise. Well, I'm Stranger in Paradise. Well, of course. I don't know how anybody could have missed that. It was real. Hey, Curly. Hi, Alice. Hey, Curly, I brought my kazoo. Sure is working good, too. Listen. Hung! Hey, fellas, I'm not going to spend the whole morning here kazooing up my living room. Alice, I just got some new tissue paper. Wet proof, wet proof, wet proof. Listen, let's take Stranger's ball, Curly. One, two. You're time like this. Wasting our time. Yes, it's almost noon and just what have you accomplished? Plenty, Alice. I was up early and I did a lot of things. I got out of bed and went over to the filling station and brushed my teeth. Two miles to the Union Depot. What'd you go to the Union Depot for? Oh, he's got business there. He goes there every morning to feel the slots and the salted peanut machine. I thought it was something silly like going to the Unemployment Bureau to see if you could get a job. Oh, I did that, too. And did they have any jobs? Oh, yeah. They needed painters, taxi drivers, carpenters, breakmen, janitors, night watchmen, elevator operators, ushers, and office workers. Well, why didn't you take one of those jobs? Not my line. I'm registered as a left-handed blacksmith. Those are pretty hard to find nowadays. Oh, yeah. Left-handed blacksmiths and zeppelin polishers are the two hardest workers in the world. Um, you still registered down there, Curly? Yeah, yeah, I'm registered. They ain't been able to find nothing for me either. Oh, that's too bad. You're a pretty good hay hand. You mean on a farm? No, no, no, no, honey. This is a specialized job. This kind of hay hand is a guy who works at a place like, well, like the Palladium. And when some guy makes a mistake and heads for the wrong powder room, he holds up his hand and says, hey! It's all a matter of timing. I thought I'd get some weird answer like that. I think it's a shame. You two sitting around all morning when you could be out helping little Alice and Phyllis, or they're selling tickets to their school play. Well, Alice, why should we do that? They can handle it all right themselves. They always have. Yes, but they didn't tell you. The entire proceeds of the play are going to the Red Cross. Well, gee, Alice, I don't know about this. Curly and I'd be glad to help the Red Cross. In fact, I'd even be glad to give them a pint of my blood. But you know what happened last year when I gave them a pint? No, what? It was very embarrassing. They couldn't classify it. They searched in a medical journal. They called them Mayo Brothers in a John Hopkins clinic. That's right. They finally found it on page six of the bartender's guide. He came under the heading of Manushevitz, Muscatel. Under the microscope, his red corpuscles were running up to the white one singing Change Partner. Where are those tickets, Alice? Curly and I'll sell every one of them. Yeah, you know something that might be fun? Come on, Curly, we'll show her. She was doing pretty good so far, Curly. We're talking about pretty good. We sold 18 tickets already. Well, when you tell them it's for the Red Cross and the school play is going to be Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Fennett makes it a lot easier. Hey, maybe nobody's home. Good afternoon, gentlemen. May I be of service to you? Oh, well, yes. This is my friend, Mr. Lewis, and I'm Phil Harris. Oh, well, it was indeed a stroke of good fortune that I was here. I just arrived home from the university. I'm the Dean of English over there. Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Professor Artemis Baxter. Gee, a professor. Yes, I have my personal card right here in my Wescott pocket. Would you mind taking the card out, sir? Oh, no, not at all. I'd do it myself, but you see, my hands are all full of fingers. Well, I don't mind, Professor, because... What'd he say? If anybody wants me, I'll be waiting under the truck. Wait a minute. Now, what was it you wanted, gentlemen? Well, sir, we're selling tickets for a Red Cross benefit. You see, the high school is putting on a play. It's Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn. Oh, yes, Huck and Tom. How well I remember the famous old story written by Samuel Clemens under the name of Mark Twain. Here's your money. You must forgive me if I seem a little vague today. You see, I've had a great deal on my mind lately. Well, I figured there must be something upset me, Prof. Yes, I've reached a turning point in my life, and it all rests upon one very important decision. Kind of tough trying to make up your mind, Professor. Oh, you can't imagine. You see, I've been offered the presidency of the University of Vienna. They also want me on the faculty at Harvard, and they're urging me to accept the position as Chief Advisor to the Atomic Energy Commission. Which one did you decide on? Well, I haven't made up my mind yet. Sometimes I think I'll just go on being a tea kettle. We just left in time. He was coming to a boil. Now, why don't you let me do the talking here? You've muffed the last three sales. No, I'll do all right. That's what you keep saying, but you can't sell the way you do. Just ask them if they want to spend some money to see a play. Now, just notice the way I operate. I use a little psychology. Now, watch. How do you do, Miss? What are you doing next Friday evening? What do you have in mind, Big Daddy? No, no, no. No, lady, you see, you misunderstand what I mean is, well, do you know Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Thin? Yeah, but who needs them? You're more my type. You handsome demon. Come closer and thrash me with your eyelashes. I'll go put a couple more nickels in the parking meter. Would you like to buy two tickets for 50 cents a piece to help the Red Cross? Oh, I certainly. I'll take half a dozen. I'm just dying to see Tom Sawyer. I read the book. I'm very interested in books, anyway. Here I am without my library card. Oh, no, no. You see, I pose for the covers on those little novels, you see, in all the drugstores. Hey, I've seen a lot of those covers. Wow. You'll just love the last cover I posed for. I'm wearing a black satin strapless evening gown with sheer black stockings and gold high heel shoes. I'm lying back on a divan with my golden hair cascading over a velvet hill. What's the name of that book? It's the April issue of popular mechanics. We just left in time. She was coming to a boil. Get the tickets, Elliot. We're all sold out. Let's go home. All right. That was so hard, Alice. People are always ready to help the Red Cross. And, you know, even today, Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finner are as popular as they ever were. That's one of the things Phyllis and I were worried about when we tried to sell the tickets. If the people asked us about the play, we didn't know how to describe it because neither one of us had ever read the book. Little Alice never let it be said that as a conscientious father, I never told you that immortal tale of American boyhood. You see, Tom Sawyer was a little orphan boy who lived with his Aunt Polly. Now, his pal, Huckleberry Fin, was about the same age, about 14, and he lived in an old shack down by the river. They were real boys. They used to spend most of their time doing things that... well, things that boys liked to do. But every once in a while, Aunt Polly had a few chores that Tom just couldn't get out of. All good people sing this song. Do-da-do-da-do-da-do-da-do-da-do. I better not slap none of this whitewash on Aunt Polly's sidewalk or she'll give me what for. Hi-do-do-da-do-da-do-da-do. Oh, hi, Tom. Ah, hello, Huck. What you doing? What's it look like? What's it look like I'm doing? Whitewash in the fence, that's what. Looks like fun. Sure, it's fun, but I ain't gonna let you do none of it. Why not, Tom? Because whitewash in this fence gives me a pleasurable feeling. That's why it makes me all sort of quivery inside. How do you mean quivery, Tom? Well, it's, uh, kind of hard to explain the feeling, but have you ever been in swimming raw and sat down on a cold toad? Boy, that whitewash sure goes on there real slick. Yeah, sure does. What have you been doing this morning, Huck? Oh, I got up early, took my pet gopher over to the brewery and let him eat some hot beer mash. I think he ate too much. Why, Huck, what happened? On the way home, he killed a horse. Come on, Tom, let me whitewash the fence for a while. No. Well, let me whitewash the poles. No. A couple of boards. Nope. One board? Nope. Well, when you've finished whitewashing the fence, can I lick the brush? No. Yes, sir, ma'am, Polly. Are you still whitewashing that fence? Yes, sir, ma'am, Polly. Well, you'd better do a good job. Yes, sir, ma'am, Polly. Gee. You see, Tom, you wouldn't have to do all this work if you'd run away with me on the raft and be pirates. I may do that yet. Hey, how's the raft, Huck? Pretty good. But we're going to have to get a new sail. Your Aunt Polly's corset ain't working out. What do you mean? Well, it's big enough that every time the wind flaps it around, you've got to duck fast or all them metal trap pieces will knock your head off. Yeah, I know. Well, Tom, if you don't want to run away and be a pirate, I'll see you later. So long, Huck. Well, I'd just like to work all day. Doo-dah, doo-dah, doo-dah, doo-dah, doo-dah, doo-dah. This whitewashing ain't as much fun as I thought it was when I started out. Hello. Huh? Oh. Hello. You're Tom Sawyer, ain't you? What about? I'm Becky Thatcher. You're a boy, ain't you? I'm not sure. The census taker didn't come to our house. I live right down the street. Who don't know that? Are you afraid of girls? Afraid of girls? Shucks, no. Ah, come on. Now tell the truth. Don't they embarrass you? Don't girls get you all flustered and nervous? Heck, no. Why do you say that? Because for the past two minutes, you've been whitewashing me. Excuse me. I thought I came to a soft board in the fence. Did you ever kiss a girl, Tom Sawyer? That's for me to know and you to find out. Oh, give me a little kiss. Will you, Tommy? Tom Sawyer. Yes, I'm Aunt Polly. Did that happen again? No, Aunt Polly. He didn't leave his bicycle. Come on, Tom, quick. Well, nobody's around. Give me a kiss. Thatcher. Well, all right for you, Tom Sawyer. I don't like girls. I never did like girls, and I don't think I ever will like girls. If anybody came in late, this is a fantasy. Sawyer, you've had your chance of a side time practically going steady with Julius the grocery boy and you'd better skedaddle out of here because he's coming up your back porch now. Anybody? Hello, Julius. Gee, Becky, when'd you get the new air dale? Well, take a good look. What? From Shewan, South Carolina. That's where they make Shewan tobacco. Come on, it's a pee. Let him take his glasses off first. Oh, I just gave that Julius a licking huck. That's him lying there on the ground. Well, now I think you need to be taught a lesson, Tom. Here, see how you like this and this. I'll learn them. Oh, this is terrible. How could you beat up Tom Sawyer, your best friend? You're not supposed to do that. I'm not? No. Well, how did I know? I never read the book. So, you see, little Alice, Tom Sawyer and Huckleberry Finn were real American boys. And in spite of their tendency to get into mischief, they grew up into good citizens like, uh... Like Curly and me. Yeah, yeah, like Allie Hitton and me. The backbone of the community. The solid structure of society. Maybe even world leaders. Phil! What? How many times do I have to tell you to pick up those drums that are cluttering up my front room? See you later, Dad. Yes, a long world leader. Phil! Come here. Bill Foreman's giving me the lowdown on the new RCA Victor of Victrola High Fidelity phonograph. I was just telling Elliott Phil that the Victrola High Fidelity phonograph does wonders for recorded music. Let you hear the highs and lows that never come through ordinary phonograph. Sounds good. How about a demonstration? Let me do the honors. Here's how a record sounds on a regular player. I know an old lady who swallowed a horse. She's dead, of course. You can improve on that magnificent voice. Listen to it on a Victrola High Fidelity phonograph. You may find her guilty, but I'd forgive her. Say, I do sound better. Sort of peri-combo-ish. Hey, that wasn't me. What are you... Hold it, hold it, Curly. I'm having a little fun. Let me give you a real example, Phil. See? That's how a record may sound on an ordinary phonograph. But on a Victrola High Fidelity phonograph, you get highs and lows you never dream were on your records. That does make a difference. And now, Phil, RCA Victor's High Fidelity is the greatest advance in home music in 28 years. Once you've heard it, you'll never be satisfied with anything less. Visit your dealers now for a demonstration of RCA Victor's new High Fidelity Victrola phonograph. This is Phil again, folks. We've had a little fun tonight, but when the Red Cross volunteer comes to your door, answer the call, join your 1954 Red Cross campaign for members and funds. Join and serve. Thank you, and good night. Good night, everybody. Included in this program transcribed were Frank Nelson, Elvia Allman, and Julie Bennett. The part of Julius was played by Walter Tetley. This has been an NBC Radio Network presentation. Does your radio sound like this? Does the volume fluctuate? Is there an annoying hum? If your radio has any of these symptoms, the trouble may be a weak or worn-out tube. So have your local service technician install dependable new RCA tubes. Experts will tell you, RCA tubes give the best performance. Dear, these are your friends following John Cameron Swayze and the news on the NBC Radio Network.