 Well, hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Assey of JonathanAssey.com and I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. The topic, do this to hook them in the early stage of the relationship. You're going to do a couple things I'm going to share with you today. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you could be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, these are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony, very similar to the videos I shoot in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis and based on the questions you post in the group, I shoot personalized videos just for you. So check out the link below to my VIP group called Midlife Love Mastery. All right, let's talk about getting a guy hooked in the early stage of dating. Now, let's just be candid with one another. Dating is a mess out there. It is a total mess out there and it seems as though both men and women are barely making effort with one another or it might seem like one person is making more effort than the other which creates an imbalance and that's why a lot of relationships just aren't taking off, they're just not taking off. Now, in full transparency, I actually saw this title on one of my contemporaries pages, Matthew Hussey, I'll be candid with you. And I like his work and I'm sharing this publicly, I like his work because much of what he talks about is centered around making mutual effort. So it's not that lopsided type of effort and this is one of the reasons why folks, I continually criticize the feminine energy perspective because it's all predicated on the idea that the man does all this heroic work to get you and basically all you have to do is sit in your feminine energy which is a passivity way of approaching relationships or what I call a princess energy way of approaching a relationship and this is why, especially if you're in the midlife category, this is backfiring on you and men are actually getting turned off. Now ladies, I know my channel since it's mostly women, I know that you're absolutely frustrated with men and I think it's important to, let me go off on a tangent here for a second because I was watching, I was watching a movie the other night Pride and Prejudice and the reason was I posted a, I had a post that said what's your favorite movie and a lot of women posted Pride and Prejudice so I went and watched it. And it's just this idyllic fantasy way of looking at relationships for a couple different reasons. First off, these were more, the people in the movie were the richer, the upper class folks and it didn't really represent the entire population of England at that time which is actually quite, most, the reality is even here in the United States, the 80% of the population makes less than $100,000 a year and I'm only going back to Pride and Prejudice. It was like looking at people that lived in Beverly Hills or they lived in Orange County or they lived in New York City, it was like the affluent wasn't the average. And the other thing that frustrates me about this movie and the fantasy that it creates is there, you take Darcy who is this emotionally unavailable guy who finally opens up and wins her heart and there's Bing Lee and there's Jane and then there's Mr. Collins and all this stuff and for those that haven't watched the movie you're not going to understand but my point is, back then all it took to get married was if two people were attracted to one another they'd literally got hitched right away or worse if you were a woman who didn't have any means or beauty you just had to accept whatever you got. So I'm just saying these narratives don't apply in today's world and primarily because here's the challenge with dating today that didn't exist 60, 70 years ago. The challenge today for the most part is that we're meeting total strangers. We're meeting total strangers because we're using for the most part people are meeting through these devices so why I'm pointing this out is when you're meeting a total stranger there isn't much trust built between the two of you. In fact there's little or no trust and because the dating process hyper focuses on chemistry and romance for hooking each other a lot of times you find yourself you might find yourself attracted to someone who you may not even be interested in. You might be hooked in someone who may be a terrible fit for you. This is why I'm a big proponent of shifting the narrative in the early stages of dating by getting to actually know someone. If you're not familiar with the book I keep talking about this in my live videos. It's called Talking to Strangers, Getting to Know the People You Don't Know. Why I'm recommending this book is I want to help. The conversation I'm attempting to present to the world is that to create a sense of awareness and intentionality in the dating process. I'm going to create that to create a sense of intentionality and awareness in the dating process and what I mean to say is understanding that chemistry which is incredibly I mean just intoxicating is not an indicator of relationship success. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg I talk about this almost in every video I want you to look at this real quick. Above the waterline is the word chemistry and we we say attraction you know that's what we're usually connected with is chemistry. Below the waterline is shared values blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity that's where compatibility lies and why this is so critically important to understand you know think about it these days it's so easy to get physically intimate with someone and you know nothing about them you could you know it's interesting you know how many how many men ever not I'm not talking about you out there but think about how many times a woman might select with a man doesn't know his favorite color doesn't know his birthday doesn't even know his last name and I'm sorry that sounds so you know why is that important because when you engage with the total physically with a total stranger it might hook you emotionally to someone and then if it doesn't work out it can feel like an emotional collapse this is why for those who watch my channel I continually recommend reading my book what the heck is self-love anyway what the heck is self-love anyway by the way there's a link to all the books I recommend below and why I'm recommending my book is because it's a vaccination to emotional chaos so you don't allow yourself to get overly invested in somebody you don't know yet so how do we shift this narrative how do we change this you know this way of operating I think first is coming to a sense of understanding understanding that you're meeting a total stranger now oftentimes the dating process is more like a job interview you know he's interviewing for the job of your boyfriend and you're interviewing him for the job of his right you're interviewing him the job for your boyfriend and he's interviewing you for the job of your girlfriend but the problem is that's a lopsided way of doing it now you might be thinking but Jonathan you talk about interviewing all the time that is true and what I mean to say lopsided is oftentimes the person that's doing the interviewing thinks that they're in this power position and the other person is the subservient okay and by the way men are doing the same thing now I don't believe this is conscious I think this is unconsciously happening okay to some degree for those who actually want a relationship the real issue let me just say the real issue today is so many dysfunctional people are and by the way I'm dysfunctional myself so I'm not you know I'm not excluding myself from this most humans today are really thirsty for connection without any real capacity to be in relationship I'm going to repeat that they're thirsty for connection without any real strong capacity to be in relationship because most humans lack a sense of emotional maturity if you're not familiar with my emotion of being excuse me relationship skills if you're not familiar with my chart on emotional maturity relationship skills by the way this is not a fact this is an opinion by the way a big I say I say roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues and then 60% is rather dysfunctional in their capacity to be in relationship I'm talking about their relationship skills so it's no wonder it's a mess out there so how do we shift this narrative how do we actually bring two people closer together well I want to start by suggesting is that we have to look at we have to stop looking at it from a job interview perspective and start looking at it from the perspective of let me give you an example of say two lawyers that are deciding that they're going to partner up with one another two lawyers that they want to be in a partnership together think about that for a second the way you would approach that person is not a one up one down type of thing and let me give you an example of one up one down the man is the leader of relationship the woman is the subservient person in the relationship the man plans all the dates and the woman just accepts all the date that's a one up one down a partnership is looking at it from a two lane street in other words you're driving your cars together in fact I read a business book years ago and I think this is a fantastic book to consider from a relationship perspective it's called partnership charter how to start outright with your new business partner now this isn't a relationship but this is a business book why am I recommending this it's because it's it's shifting the narrative the traditional narrative now I know many of you prefer the traditional narrative of the one up one down man is here woman is here although you don't like it you know say it silently you don't you're actually resistive but on some level there's this innate expectation on it I'm here to recommend a whole different way of approaching it think not thinking it from listen I'm not trying to suggest being analytical about it per se because you certainly this is about fun and and there and I'm certainly a big proponent of romance let me just say this I'm a big proponent of romance for two people that are in a relationship not trying to form a relationship that's where I differentiate because here's the real challenge is when we when we have expectation based on genders it's going to set you up set you up for failure this is why I continually recommend the book if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated because it throws out the stupid stupid gender rhetoric and says how can we connect at a heart-centered level so coming back to my original when I shared that Matthew Hussie was the impetus for this video or the inspiration for this video and I said he's I like the way he coaches because he thinks about things from a mutual effort perspective so if you really want to get a guy hooked in you just recognize that most men are rather clueless to this and most men are winging it most men are winging it this is why if you first I highly recommend asking some really good questions before you ever meet for a date just to see if you're on the same page just to see if you're on the same page with one another asking questions like what does commitment look like for you what does a fully committed what does monogamy look like for you what does exclusivity look like for you is this something that you want in your life ask about do you share like for example value questions politics religion these are good questions to determine are you on the same page and this notion that opposites attract is a crock of shit oops I wasn't supposed to curse on my weekend videos my coffee mug says coffee tastes better when shared and my t-shirt is I've got your back and I'm going to share this is such an important by the way this is missing a back and this is the person holding the back and why this is important for this conversation because ultimately first off determining if you're on the same page it's hugely important because opposites do not attract number one well they I mean they they might attract it doesn't mean they're gonna be successful in relationship so being on the same page also making mutual effort in the process I once had a woman where we went on a date and it was time to pay for the second round of drinks and she picked she wanted to pick up the second round and I said no you don't have to it's on me you know that the masculine kind of thing you know being in control what not and she she put her hand when we we were kind of going back and forth on this and she put her hand on my arm and said Jonathan I really appreciated the first round of drinks were you know on you and I want to show you my appreciation by treating you this next round will you receive you know she's got her hand on my arm she's looking me in the eyes and saying will you receive this and I was floored in that moment because this is the actions of this person operated from a place of partnership perspective and not expectation-based and that's so by the way I did a post in a group of 15,000 men and I shared the story I just shared with you and you know what over a thousand men commented she's one of a kind she's a keeper don't let her go she's a unicorn my point is when you're making a quake when you're meeting strangers it's better that you both mutually make effort and not create the expectation around men so for example I know a lot of women complained to me they are frustrated that I haven't spoken to my boyfriend in a week and my response is have you reached out to him by the way folks you can lead by example you can lead by example and that's what I'm leaning into right now because ultimately if you want to get a person hooked on you in the early stage of dating then it's critically important to recognize these three things number one deeper communication builds intimacy I'm going to repeat that deeper communication builds intimacy intimacy is into me you see in other words by asking deeper questions with one another you can actually start talking from your heart and not from your head I'm going to repeat that talk from your heart and not from your head and what I mean by deeper questions I mean more emotionally important questions about someone's life by the way if you need help with those questions check out the link to a free discovery call with me to see if working with the coach is right for you because that's my area of expertise is to help you ask those questions number two it's significantly important to to have play in your relationship play in your relationship this is why folks the dating process of going out to fancy dinners or drinks and that sort of thing all is predicated on romance and not actual play so I was talking to a group of men recently and one man told me on his first date with with someone he went out with she had suggested going to the Santa Monica pier where there's carousels and all these rides and things like that because she wanted this was her request and he said absolutely and they got to play together folks men bond through social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends that's how we eventually bond with someone we don't bond over the telephone this expectation of listen unless you're seeing each other a lot on a regular basis then it puts all the pressure on the telephone to build a relationship and men aren't necessarily best at that we we certainly in the beginning stages will be good on the telephone because we're trying to be physical with you but on an emotional level it requires spending regular time together to truly connect so I mean why I'm saying this if you want to get a guy hooked on you then it's going to happen then I invite I invite you to do make sure that you're doing social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends and then the third piece I wanted to share with you oh is the understanding of trust is the understanding of trust folks most of the time we think of trust from the perspective of infidelity infidelity what I'm here to say is trust is really more does this person have my back does this person care about my feelings and do I care about their feelings coming back to the t-shirt and how that's going to be built is through some radical honesty so I highly recommend I've mentioned this before before two people sleep together get the book eight dates by doctors John and Julie Gottman and read this together this is a great opportunity to build trust with one another at least look it's going to take about a hundred hours of face to face time and then covering the things in this book to actually develop the first layer of trust because when you build the first layer of trust you can build upon that and just recognize relationships are going to have some friction this is why it's important to build those roots of trust early if you want to be have this kind of relationship where you're hooked with each other long-term instead of these fizzled out relationships so look at I covered a lot in this video I covered a lot in this video I'm here to say I know it's frustrating that it seems like it's all on the women to do this work and I'm here to suggest to you I get it it's frustrating but believe it or not when you introduce this stuff to the right guy they get hooked on you because they see you different than all the other women out there and that's the benefit of knowing this information because ultimately if you want to build this great partnership it's going to require both people being on the same page and what I shared through these books is a great opportunity for the two of you to get there so you can be hooked on each other is this making sense is this resonating with you please let me know post a comment below please share this video if it did resonate with you and I'm going to do my best to read them all the comments as well all right I'm going to wrap up this video as I always do first off giving myself a big gigantic John the bear hug of self love I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love that's okay I'm going to ask you to turn to someone a pet a teddy bear a pillow here's my teddy bear and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it we could all use more love in our lives bye now bye