 You saw her light go on then heard her whisper from the front door that you yeah, you croaked She didn't ask questions She just walked with you to the car got in and the two of you drove to Yamakura Beach Sat watching the yellow moon hang over the Black Sea It took you long enough. She said I know you forgot where I live. Hey It's not like that. I was busy dad's been taking me out on the job and you didn't have a phone You sighed. I wanted to say I missed you and I thought about you every day And I tried to call but you didn't you said I'm scared of what I don't know Tell me anyway How easy it is to go along with things, you know If you don't move nobody sees you if you just be a statue like that white statue up there on the hill looking Down so long nobody even remembers it's there. Well, then there's nothing to worry about if you just stay still But you can't her voice had softened I Dreamed there was this bird and it was flying at me and it kept coming and I told it to stop But it wouldn't and I loaded up my gun and I shot the thing down Your lips quivered as you told her you felt you had shot down some part of yourself You hadn't known was there till it was dead It's okay. Dill said taking your fingers in her own lacing them between hers. You're awake now I'm sorry. I took so long You brought her fingers to your mouth kissed them one by one your heart felt full as the yellow moon Now your father lowers his rifle and clears his throat these birds quiet today. He says They must have heard we were coming You remember your dream you start biting the skin around your thumb and it's bleeding, but you don't care Dad you say and he turns to you his eyes wary as if he knows you are going to say something He doesn't want you to say you can't help yourself. I love her. He shakes his head like hell you do I Think about her all the time then put a stop to it. You hear me, but you can't stop I see her face every night before I fall asleep. I want to hear her voice first thing when I wake up now You listen here. He says pushing the rifle out in front so that its body lengthwise is suspended between you separates you He is biting out the words you want to destroy yourself go right ahead But you won't bring this family down with you what family you're screaming you and mommy don't talk and you're screwing Some woman who smells like gardenias his face pales shut your mouth The whole world can hear you who cares what the whole world hears? I don't I don't care about that big house and that pool and those condos nobody can afford and I wouldn't be sneaking around cheating on the woman. I loved I'm not like you His rifle slams your chest and you gasp winded You hear the rustle of leaves under your feet your chest burns You think of the swamp and everything alive in it the fish and the black birds flying over and the lonely Reeds stuck like a broken signpost in the middle of it all You remember how yesterday the protesters sang a song you'd never heard before and you'd felt the homesick feeling again and Wondered if what you had been yearning for was in the song inside the words and the music or maybe the place they came from You looked again for dill but still did not see her So then last night you drove to her instead and after you told her about the dream the bird in the dream That kept coming you felt as if that bird came back to life inside you You had kissed the tips of her fingers and then she leaned in and kissed you on the mouth And it was it was like you were flying the way her mouth and yours opened out into a pulsing That was the night that was the yellow moon the dirt under your feet the rust red water ebbing and flowing and the gray brown fish Disappearing between mangrove roots now it all feels under siege I Don't want this you say shoving against the rifle Jesus. He says stepping back Stumbling leaning on the rifle like it's a walking stick. He is no longer composed his face is slack He is wet-eyed. I thought you were going to be my right hand little kaya No, you say not little kaya not baby girl or baby doll or any of those names And then you think about your own name Alexander Christina and you feel trapped inside Zeus's head Trying to get out You don't want any of those names Athena wasn't born from Zeus's head. She was already a grown woman She was escaping you are shaking like there's a cold wind blowing through you all the way from your sex up Your throat to the top of your head Then you both see it a small dark winged body arcing across the lighter shadows Your father instinctively grips his rifle He tucks it into his right shoulder and aims Following the bird with his right eye open his left eye closed and you brace yourself This must be the messenger the one who scouts the area to let the others know it is safe to leave their nests You feel the lurch of the rifle inside your chest before you hear it crack through the trees You feel the shutter of air next to your face before you smell the sulfur then he's ordering you to run See there between them two dog woods over there He is pointing and because you know how to do this because you've done it before so many times You're off running in the direction of the trees the shadows where you think you have seen the winged body go down When you come closer You hear its flutter before you see it its left wing scraping rock its head nodding its feet Scrabbling at brown and orange leaves Your own arms and legs feel shaky You hear your father moving through the trees behind you you squat down and hover over the small thing The smell of sulfur mixing with the wetness of blood and dirt Pick it up. You hear him say pick it up and knock it on the rock Your right hand pauses inches from the bird gray wings flap and jerk heat pulses in waves against your fingertips Jesus Kaia go on pick it up You suck in your breath scoop up the small thing feel its jagged heartbeat against your sweaty palm Its feathers are soft and warm and sticky for a moment. You lock eyes with the bird Its chest throbs out and in and out He is behind you now your father you hear him suck his teeth call on Jesus again Feel him take a step towards you. You know what to do You know you are supposed to pelt its head against a rock hard enough so you will not have to do it twice So that its head is bloody its neck limp and a fine spray of crimson covers your t-shirt and right cheek You know he'd be saying that's it. You done good Kaia his voice stroking your head Your heart is tick ticking inside your chest Here you say you put the bird in your father's hands He looks at the bird then at you he shakes his head like he's giving up like he has lost And you turn from him and walk through the bush towards the clearing The sky is periwinkle blue the sun is a gold ball Streaming through between the trunks of trees through branches turning brown bark to bronze overhead doves pigeons Thrasher's streak across the tops of trees. You walk out of the bush Pass the park trucks and head out into the open road. Thank you