 J.C.S.L.L.O. The Jell-O Program starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The Orchestra opens a program with goodie goodbye. You know this coming Friday is the first official day of winter, and during the dark, blustery days ahead, you'll find nothing lights up the dinner table like the gay glint of orange jello served as a bright tempting salad or dessert. But suppose you live in the Florida or sunny California where you don't have to worry about dark winter days. Well, orange jello is still your dish, for its cheerful color reflects the sunshine, and its extra-rich flavor rivals the tempting goodness of the real ripe fruit itself. Or try a tempting sea green mold of lime jello served with slices of canned pineapple. Or what would you say to lemon jello as golden as sunshine with stewed figs and whipped cream folded in to make a delicious creamy fig pudding. While there are dozens of grand ways to serve jello, each one a creation that will climax the meal. So stock up on jello tomorrow and look for the big red letters on the box when you buy. They spell jello in six delicious flavors, strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. Pretty goodbye played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, I bring you our worn-out master of ceremonies. Between his broadcast at NBC, his picture at Paramount, and his Christmas shopping at the 5 and 10, he's the busiest little man in Hollywood, Jack Benny. Uh, jello again, this is Tilly the Toiler talking. And Don, you're right. I don't ever remember being as rushed as I've been this past week. I'm a rat. I could appreciate that, Jack. You know, when I got home last night, I was so exhausted I didn't have the energy to go upstairs. I slept all night on the billiard table. My goodness, you must have been tired. I was, Don. I rolled and tossed and tossed and rolled till almost daylight. Restless, huh? No, I forgot to take the balls off the table. I didn't mind that so much, but I dreamt I was an ostrich and I woke up this morning with my head in the side pocket. What a night. Well, if you're tired, Jack, it's your own fault. Radio keeps you busy enough. What are you making a picture for? That's what I can't figure out, Don. I can't understand Paramount, putting me in another picture so soon. I'm not tired of my last one yet. But I guess they know best, huh? Well, Jack, tell me something about your new picture. Is it a light-sophisticated comedy like Man About Town? Oh, no, Don. This is a western, a real Rip Snorten melodrama full of actions and frills. Well, that's a surprise. How did they happen to cast you on that type of story? Well, you see, Gary Cooper isn't at Paramount anymore, and they seem to think that I'm the one to take his place. Oh, what was that, Jack? I said Paramount seems to think I'm the only one at the studio that can take Gary Cooper's place. Well, so long, Don. See you later. There's nothing ridiculous about my playing parts like Gary Cooper. What are you talking about? In the first place, Gary Cooper's better looking than you are. Well, a little makeup will take care of my looks. And he's younger than you are. Mary, makeup will help me there, too. And he's a great actor. Put some mascara on that. Listen, my critical friend, I can play those strong western types, too. I can talk through my teeth just like Gary Cooper. What do you mean, your teeth? Mary, possession is nine points of the law. Anyway, wait till you see the picture, young lady. You'll change your mind. Say, Jack, is Phil Harrison this one, too? Yes, Don. He's in it, but I can't understand why. He must have something on the director. I wish I knew what it was. I'd like to get some more lines. Oh, well, I'll just snoop around. Well, how is Phil in it? Has he got a pretty big part? You'd think so to see him strut around on the set. He's such a ham, Don, yet he tries to be so democratic. What do you mean? He's got a sign on the back of his chair that says, Phil Harris, never too busy to say hello. Isn't that corny? Well, Jack, I guess that's just his way of being a good fellow. I know, Don, but it's so hammy, all those words on there. Now, all I got on the back of my chair is just Jack Benny, and right under it, a simple little star. Why overdo it? Well, anyway, besides Phil, there's Ellen Drew, Andy Devine, and, oh yes, Rochester's in the picture. I forgot. You'll remember when it comes out. Listen, Mary, I'm the hero. That's good enough for me. Oh, hello, Phil. Hiya, Gary. Gary. And I do mean Indiana. Pretty sharp, huh? Oh, that was a honey. How long did it take you to think that went up, Phil? No time at all. It just came to me like a flash. Well, someday you're going to get fired like that. And incidentally, Phil, I wish you'd stop telling everybody at Paramount that you're playing the part of my son. It's not true. Besides, it takes away from the romance. Some romance. I read the script, and in the end, Jack married a cow. That's cowgirl. If you'd have turned the page, you'd have seen the word girl. Anyway, this is radio, so let's forget about pictures. We can talk about something else. Hey, Jackson, as long as we're changing the subject, how about paying off that bet you welched on? What bet? That bet we made on the USC UCLA game. Come on, pay off. Phil, I'd pay off if I owed you anything, but that game was a tie. Sure it was a tie, but you took USC and gave me seven points. I don't care if I gave you 50 points. The score was nothing to nothing. That means I get nothing and you get nothing. Now get your band together and play a number. I don't want to interfere, Jack, but if you gave Phil seven points, he won that bet and you ought to pay him. Certainly he ought to pay him. Of course. Oh, all right, Phil, all right. Here's a quarter. Now leave me alone. What a guy. Thanks, Jackson. Here's your change. Thanks. Now go ahead and play your sore head. Next time I gamble with you, I'm going to have it in writing. Make with the kisses played by a miser in his orchestra. Miser, Phil, meaning a man who thinks more of 15 cents than he does of my friendship. And now, ladies and gentlemen... All right, if that's the way you feel about it, Jackson, here's your money back. It's not the money, Phil. I just don't think I lost that bet. You don't think you lost on Hoover? Mary, I conceded that months ago. We're talking, we're talking about the football game. The trouble with you is you don't know anything about gambling. You're just a poor sport. I'm a poor sport, that's a hot one. For your information, Phil, I had an uncle who was one of the most famous gamblers in Waukegan. Why, he'd bet $1,000 on the turn of a card. I bet he was an uncle by marriage. No, his name was Benny. Shoot the works, Benny. So keep that 15 cents, Mr. Small Fry. And now, ladies and gentlemen... Jack, don't forget about, you know... I'm coming to that, Don. And now, ladies and gentlemen, Christmas being just a week off, Mr. Don Wilson, that eminent American author, has written another of his famous one-act plays. Take it, Don. This time, ladies and gentlemen, it's the night before Christmas. The scene is the home of Mr. and Mrs. Santa Claus at the North Pole. Mr. Jack Benny will be Santa Claus. Yipe! Never mind, Mary, with a beard, no one will know the difference. Go ahead, Don. The North Pole, Kurt Music. Oh, Santa, Santa. What do you want, huh? You better get started pretty soon. The reindeer's are all hitched and everything. Well, I got a few more letters here, and I got to see what the kiddies want before I put my bag in the sleigh. I'll help you. Here's a letter from Encino, California. It's from a kid named Philip Harris. Tear it up. But Santa, he says he's been a good little boy. Good little boy? Well, last Christmas, I got to his house around 5 a.m. and he was just getting home. Not only that, he threw snowballs at me. There's no snow in Encino. He didn't know it. Well, what does little Philip want from Santa Claus? 14 points in Tennessee. Well, he'll never get it. Oh, Santa, here's a letter from Rochester Van Jones Jr. in Central Avenue, California. Hmm, Rochester Van Jones. What does he want? He says, dear Santa, please send me a sled, a pair of roller skates, and a bottle of gin. Well... Uh, P.S., if you haven't got the sled and the roller skates, no hard feelings. I'll see what I can do. Any more kiddies to be heard from? Yes, here's one from Jackie Benny, Beverly Hills, California. Well, well, well, little Jackie Benny, the cute kid. What's the little rascal got to say? He says, dear Santa Claus, have been a good boy all year, so when I give a party, Christmas Eve, will you please send Clark Abel and Carol Uphard, Robert Taylor and Barbara Sammon? Let's see that letter. It says nothing of the kind. Well, goodbye, darling. It's getting late, and I must be going. Can I go with you? That's fine. I got one night out a year. My wife wants to go along. Nothing doing. Goodbye, darling. Goodbye. Oh, Santa, just one more thing. What is it? When you get Dan Sheridan's house, just feel her stocking and get. Oh, don't be so jealous. Goodbye. Goodbye. Who can that be? Come in. Special delivery for Santa Claus. Right here, boys. Well, it's from little Tubby Wilson, 834 Blimp Avenue, Van Nuys, California. What does he say? He says, dear Santa Claus, I have been a good boy all year, but I don't want to sled and I don't want roller states. Just give me some jello and all six delicious flavors. Strawberry, raspberry, cherries, always women and wine. Well, yours truly, Kins Wilson. Well, there's the first kitty I'm going to take care of. So long, honey. I'll be home in the morning. Okay, bring some cinnamon rolls. I will. Goodbye. Get out, you reindeer. Come on, Donner. Get the ass with them. Book Santa rides again. That was marvelous. That's one of the best plays you've ever written. I thought you'd like it, Jack. And, by the way, what did you think of that surprise finish when I asked for jello? Oh, Don, it was such a shock. Yeah, I never dreamed you were going to mention our product. Hmm. And now, folks. Gee, I knew what he was getting at all the time. Oh, hello, Dennis. I didn't hear you come in. Well, I didn't trip over anything today. Oh. Well, Dennis, I don't want to rush you, but Don's play reminded me I still have a lot of credit. Well, Dennis, I don't want to rush you, but Don's play reminded me I still have a lot of Christmas shopping to do, so go ahead with your number and I'll run along. Can I go with you, Jack? I've got some stuff to buy, too. Sure. Come on, Mary. Oh, Don, you and Phil take care of the rest of the program, will you? Sure, Jack. We'll carry on. Here's a Lulu, folks. A tramp went up to a farmhouse, knocked on the door and said, can I have a piece of cake, lady? It's my birthday. Phil, wait till I get out. With those 1912 wows. Go ahead and sing, Dennis. I'll see you next week. Okay. Well, by the way, Mr. Benny, could I speak to you a minute? Of course, Dennis. What is it? Well, it's a little personal. I'd like to talk to you in private. Well, you can tell me right here. What's on your mind? Well, Mr. Benny, my mother... Yes? I don't know how to say it. Go on, Dennis. Don't be bashful. Well, my mother told me to ask you, when are you going to start paying me for singing here? Well, that's strange. I take care of you every week, don't I, Dennis? Yes. But, gee, we've got enough jello now for 25 years. Well, look, Dennis, you go back in and sing your song. I'll think it over. I wish you would. Our house is so full of boxes we can't walk around. Well, just leave it to me and everything will be all right. Come on, Mary. It burns me up. I never got paid till I was 28 years old. And now, folks, Dennis Day, our young teller, will sing a beautiful number called Tomorrow Night. Sing, Dennis. Remember what you said is built with a thousand and one dealer In the soft moon, another man tender Your heart is beating Everybody doing their Christmas shopping the last minute. Stay close to me, Mary. Here, I'll take your arm. Let go of me, you masher. Well, pardon me, miss. It's so crowded here, I thought you were someone else. That's what they all say. Mary, where are you? Here I am, right behind you. Who's your girlfriend? Not my girlfriend. I don't even know her. Well, it ain't your fault, Gary. I said I was sorry, miss. Now, stay close to me, Mary. Have you got my Christmas list? Yes, here it is. What does it say? Dear Jackie boy, I waited for you in the owl drug store last night. The list is on the other side. Read it. Wait a minute. Who's Gladys? Never mind. Give me that list. Let's see. I got to get some perfume for my sister and a watch for Don Wilson and a mink coat for Gladys. Which will turn out to be perfume. Don't be so sure. Now, let's see. I got to take care of Phil. I got to get something nice for Dennis. I know what Dennis is giving you, Jack. What? A pair of socks. A pair of socks? What a little tight wad. I bet that kid's got the first box of Jell-O he ever earned. Well, I'll get Don's present first. I wonder where the watch department is. Let's ask the floor walker. Yeah, there's one over there. This must be him. Now, pardon me. Are you the floor walker? Yes, I'm the floor walker. Do I look like a telephone fool? Well, how do I know you haven't got a carnation on? It's in my pocket. I detest them. Now, listen, buddy. Jack, tell them what you want, Jack. Now, listen, buddy, if it won't tax your mentality too much, will you please direct me to the watch department? No, I won't. Well, if you don't tell me where it is, I won't buy a watch. What do I care? It's not for me. It's the last time I'll ever come to this store. Oh, Jack, there's the watch counter right over there. You stool pigeon. What a guy. I don't know how he holds his job here. Come on, Mary, give me your arm. Hey, you, let go of me. Oh, it's you again. Will you stop following me around? Well, I thought... It's no use. I'm engaged. Well, I pity the fella. Come on, Mary. She thinks I'm trying to make a date with her. Your approach is awful. Well, Gladys doesn't think so. Here's the watch counter. How do you do, sir? Can I help you? Yes, I'd like to look at a watch, please. Bulliver, pullover, or schmulliver? Uh, just, uh, just a watch. Uh, just a watch, a man's wrist watch. Well, let's see. Now, here's our new Venus de Milo model. No hands on it. No hands on it? Well, how do you tell time? Nearly everybody asks me that, but they sell like hotcakes. Well, it's cute all right, but I like something a little more practical. Oh, Jack, I'm going over and do my own shopping. See you later. Okay. Now, here's a very smart clock. And it's only $25. A clock? Well, I really wanted a watch. But this is a real bargain. Yesterday, the same clock sold for $1,250. My goodness. How could you afford to cut it from $1,250 to $25? We took the Buick off. Oh, it wasn't a car. Well, I just like a wrist watch, please. Oh, here's something cute. How much is this one? $10. Well, that's just what I want. I'll take it. Here's your money. Thank you. Hey, this is a beauty all right. It certainly is. And you know it has that new unbreakable crystal. Here, try it out. No, no, I'll take your word for it. Go ahead. Take a little hammer and hit it. Oh, all right. Wrap it up. You mean sweep it up. And give me back my $10. I'm sorry. You'll have to see the floor walker about that. What? Oh, Mr. Chambers. What is it, Miss Kelsey? This man broke a watch with a hammer. Well, certainly I broke the watch, but she told me to. She told you to? Yes. Well, haven't you got a mind of your own? Well, certainly I have a mind of my own. But this young lady told me it was unbreakable. Young? Why, she's 42 if she's a dead. We're not arguing about that. I want my $10 back. Give it to him, Miss Kelsey, before he bites somebody. Yes. Here's your money. Boy, what a sore loser. Certainly a fine store to do business with. You walked in sugarfoot. Nobody dragged you. Now, where the dickens is Mary? Your daughter is over there at the hose recounter. She's not my daughter. No more trouble buying a little watch. What's Mary buying? I like this shade. I'll take a half dozen pair of those two-thread hose. You're wrong, lady. This hose is three-thread. Oh, no, it's two-thread. I beg your pardon, but it's three-thread. Listen, sister, don't argue with me. Not so long ago, I was standing right where you are. That's telling her, Mary. Oh, hello, Jack. You got a watch for Don? Yes, but I broke it with a hammer. It's a long story. Let's go over to the perfume counter. Go to the perfume counter. Okay. Shall I wrap up these stockings, Miss? Yes, I'll be back later. Oh, by the way, who's pitching for your softball team now? Mary, you can talk shop later. Come on. Oh, Mary, here comes that girl who thought I was trying to flirt with her. Yeah. Watch me have some fun with her. Hello, sweetie pie. Here, Mary, hold my coat. Oh, Jack, you're in a store. Lucky for her, believe me. Here's the perfume counter. I see it. Pardon me, sir. I'd like to buy some perfume. Okay, mister, what kind of perfume would you like? Well, uh... Well, I don't know. What's popular right now? Well, now, here's something that's exotic, yet on a delicate side. Oh. It's called Lamowa Toujawa Lamowa. Well, let me see that. Mmm, it smells lovely. It ain't bad to drink, either. Well, I, uh, I really don't care how it tastes. You see, I'm buying it for my sister. Oh, is she on the wagon? No, she just doesn't drink perfume. She's eccentric. Anyhow, it has an exquisite scent. How much is it? Two clams are slugged. Oh, that's reasonable enough. Do you think I ought to take a bottle of this, Mary? Sightly. Mary. Well, wrap it up, and I'll drop in on my way out. Okay, pal. Oh, by the way, I don't want to seem impertinent, but how does a fellow like you happen to be selling perfume? I'm the only mug in a joint that can speak French. Well, see you later. Goodbye. A revue, pal. Quite a character. Let's see, what's next on the list, Mary? You gotta get something for Phil and Dan. Yeah, let's walk over to the necktie department. Oh, Jack, look! What? There's Rochester buying some neckties. Oh, yeah, and that floor walker's waiting on them. They sure are busy here. I'll bet Rochester's getting a tie for you. Let's sneak up behind them. Well, I think this tie is beautiful. It's very unusual. Yes, but I don't think my boss would like it. It ain't his style. I see. What type of man is your boss? Well, he's kind of tall, medium-weight, and rather conservative. You mean conservative in appearance? It goes deeper than that. Well, at least he's subtle. Quiet. I want to hear this. Now, here's a rich-looking tie. Maybe he'd like this one. Yeah, that's a pretty thing. How much is it? It's only $3.50. How much? $3.50. Too bad, he didn't like that one. Oh, fine. Well, if you don't want to spend quite so much, here's a lovely tie for $0.89. $0.89? That's right. Now the blue of your tie makes the gold of my purse. Can you imagine that? Of course. It may be a little too plain for your boss. Is he a young man? No. Is he middle-aged? No. Is he elderly? Wrap it up. Rochester Van Jones. Oh, hello, boss. I didn't see you. I know you didn't, and don't be buying me any $0.89 tie. You keep out of this. I will not. This fellow works for me. Now look, Rochester, you've been with me three years now, and I've been very nice to you. I've always tried to make things pleasant for you and keep you happy. Is that open for discussion? No, it isn't. I'm leaving you here at this necktie counter, and I want you to decide for yourself whether or not I'm worth more than an $0.89 tie. Come on, Mary, let's go. Okay. Mary, which tie do you think Rochester's going to buy me, the one for $0.350 or the $0.89 one? Well, if you were Rochester, which one would you buy? I'll fire that guy. Play, Phil. They say, ladies and gentlemen, that it isn't good manners to point, but there really is one time when it is all right, and that's when you see jello butterscotch pudding on your grocer's shelf. Every day, thousands of discriminating housewives make this new dessert a regular part of their marketing, and they serve it often because it's an all-family favorite with its rich, buttery, brown sugar goodness and its tempting, deep golden color. Served with nuts, fruits, marshmallows, shredded coconut, or with just a big dab of snowy whipped cream, jello butterscotch pudding is absolutely tops. And the same goes for jello vanilla and the jello chocolate puddings. So add these brand new, grand new desserts to your main new often. You can serve them time and time again in a variety of delightful ways with no risk of tiring the family's taste. Tomorrow, when you're at the grocer's, just point to jello puddings and watch them point the way to a real treat. We're a little late, so good night, folks. J-C-L-L-O This is the National Broadcasting Company.