 So our topic today is men struggle with emotional vulnerability because of this. And while there are many areas that we could discuss today, I'm gonna explore the early stages of dating for many men, and I'm even gonna use some personal experiences to illustrate a point. Now, a friend once told me that love is a risk, but it's still the best game in town. And there's a risk of getting hurt. There's a risk of opening up. There's a risk of being used to be let down or betrayed. Just the act of vulnerability is emotionally demanding. And even holding space for another human being is actually a vulnerable act. Whether you're a man or a woman, actually going out on a first date with someone is a vulnerable act because you are actually holding space for another human being. And there's so many different variables that, well, it might be the simple variable, might be a yes or a no to a second date, but there's a lot of sub variables that go on that from an emotional perspective. I've often said that dating triggers the number one emotional health issue faced by most people, and that's, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable. And so even that act of dating is a very, that first couple dates is a very vulnerable act from my perspective. Now, I want to address something because I watch a lot of podcasts, whether it's Lewis Howes, Jay Shetty, Chris Williams, and so many other people that I know who interview relationship experts. And yet none of them talk about our demographic, the over 45, the over 50, the over 60 demographic that's actively dating out, dating right now. Most advice about relationship is geared to a much younger group of people, those men in their 20s and 30s. And the reason why they don't address, well, I don't know why they don't address our demographic, but our demographic comes with it, there's something called baggage. Now, I know we don't like to think that we have baggage, but for many of us in midlife, roughly 75% of singles are divorced. And with divorce comes with it, alimony, child support, visitation rights, family court. And for those of us in midlife, there's menopause that we go through, not I go through, but a woman might go through. For men, it's a rectile dysfunction. It could be that we have elderly parents in assisted living facilities. We might have a child that might have some issues and we have to attend to that. And so dating in midlife is so radically different. And I don't think any attention is given by so many of those that I watch these podcasts to glean some new advice from evolutionary biologists and psychologists and therapists that are talking about dating, mating, and relating. And yet it's not addressed to the experiences where we go through. And while the Golden Bachelor briefly addressed that over 60 demographic, it was a curated event. They didn't really talk about the emotional effects and quite frankly, it was so curated. It was one man that had 16 women to choose from. Talk about Lucky Him. And while there's a Golden Bachelorette coming out, I'm sure there'll be one woman for 16 men. It's not going, most likely isn't going to address the challenges that we face in the dating marketplace because dating requires being emotionally vulnerable. And it's much harder for those of us in midlife. And I can speak as a man. There's even an additional added pressure because we men are expected to lead. Men are the provider protectors. Men are supposed to chase. There's all these expectations centered around what a man must do. They must curate and plan a date and pay for it and entertain the person. And we don't even know if we like you yet. Let me think about that for a second. Most of the time we're meeting total strangers. How do we even know we like you enough to actually want to court you? And yet there's this grand expectation of courting. And God forbid a man does take the lead. That lead implies interest. And think about it. Just because we take the lead, that has an inherent kind of expectation that there's already interest there. And so then gets emotionally challenging when you don't like the person. You don't feel comfortable with them. They're not who you're interested in. And then there's the vulnerability of letting that person down. So you see this conversation men struggle with emotional vulnerability and men are emotionally constipated. The reality is is we're faced with deep emotional issues and that one of the hardest things is to be vulnerable. Vulnerable simply means to be open to another human being without the walls, without the pretenses, without the ego. Because vulnerability is about whether or not they let you down. They reject you. And then the other vulnerable act having to do this over and over and over again. Do you realize dating for those of us in midlife is one swipe to the next to the next and even being let down on a swipe. Well, Jonathan, people should just have thicker skin. They should just tough it out. Remember I said earlier dating triggers the number one emotional health issue. I'm not good enough. I'm not lovable. I'm not likable. So I shared with every one of you the other day how I had a telephone date. I shared that with you two videos ago, right? I shared that I had a telephone date with, I was about to have a telephone date with somebody and then I had the telephone date and just shortly after the date I received a message from my previous relationship. It was just acknowledging a request to get some information. And I shared with everybody how that triggered me. It triggered my fear of vulnerability. You know, it occurred to me when I met my last relationship when I met Marie, we had met through a dating app. There was long distance involved and we actually spent and in the course of one year we marginally talked to one another over the course of a year, maybe six or seven telephone calls but we built a bit of a friendship. So when we physically met for the first time we just met as friends. We just met as friends. And so there was no expectation, there was no expectation of chivalry and courting and all that stuff. It's just like, hey, we're just two people meeting and it took the entire pressure off. And yet today there's these grand expectations when you're meeting a total stranger there's the expectation of instant chemistry. Otherwise this will never get off the ground. There's the expectation that men are supposed to do certain things and women are supposed to do certain things in the dating process and that's pressure. And so I realized that my issue isn't, and I shared this in the video. I realized my issue isn't my capacity to be vulnerable with someone. I'm absolutely ready and capable being in relationship. I just realized that the dating process has an inherent problem because I realize I'm just not ready to deal with cold turkey. I mean, barely knowing someone and then having that go from maybe a date that goes somewhere or doesn't go anywhere. Now, again, I know there's the adage, just tough it up, have a thick skin. This is just part of the process but I'm gonna tell you something. Tell me if you can't relate to this. Can you relate to the emotional drainage of putting yourself out there even just getting dressed up to drive, getting dressed up, driving somewhere to meet someone who's cold turkey. It's rather exhausting and you can have these highs and lows. And sometimes I act wonky and it's not my capacity to be in a relationship. I act wonky with the dating process because it can be incredibly exhausting to actually be vulnerable. And one of the reasons why I created my channel and I talk about these things is I keep thinking there has to be a better way to date. There has to be a better way to connect with people. I don't have the answer for you. I just believe that there has to be a better way. And the rub is when you meet a total stranger, there's no familiarity. And as I said before, it almost requires instant over-the-top chemistry. And this is where oftentimes love bombing comes out or lust or limerence, meaning we pursue someone based on a physical attractiveness for them and not a real connection on an emotional level. Now, some people would say slow down the process, but think about this for a moment. It's hard enough to get a first date with someone. There's usually distance involved. The lifestyle, just even meeting up with someone and having lifestyles that are compatible with one another is incredibly challenging for those of us in midlife. Many of my contemporaries that got married in their 20s or their 30s, you know, and met their wives organically or met in a less convoluted, curated space and they were out there to make babies. It's a whole different ballgame. Those of us, we're dealing with, as I said before, we're dealing with real-world issues in midlife so different than those in their 20s and 30s. As I said before, alimony, child support, visitation rights, going through family court, having children at different ages and going through their emotional effects of what's going on in their lives. And God forbid you have elderly parents in assisted living facilities or going through, you know, losing people in your life and then the biological changes that happen to us at midlife. Look, I'm going to be open. I have to take a blue pill. I'm not happy about it. Okay? Many of you ladies have to take, you know, estrogen supplements or medication to keep your hormones in check and whatnot. This is the kind of stuff we're dealing with and this can directly affect a relationship to some degree, all of our, and I don't like the term baggage, luggage sounds better but it's the reality of our lives. And so being vulnerable with another human being can be incredibly scary and I'm tired of the conversation that trivializes the actual, look it, I know dating could be a lot of fun, especially if you're in a good mood, two people are in a good mood, there's no pressure, there's no expectations but the problem is if you've had one let down after another, after another, after another, tell me, does that wear on you emotionally? If it does say yes, just post a comment right now, yes, Jonathan, that wear has worn on me emotionally. And so I'm just drawing attention to this men struggle with emotional vulnerability, not because listen, we have all been taught that men stuff their emotions, they stuff their feelings, you know, we're taught to be stoic. The reality is, is men are suffering on the inside just like women are suffering on the inside and the dating process is so convoluted in so many different ways, centered around expectations. I was listening to a podcast earlier today where a therapist was sharing how a woman chose not to have a second date with a man because he chose tap water over filtered water when they was ordering water at the restaurant. He chose tap or, you know, like the regular water instead and that was the reason why she didn't go on a second date. I'm like, woman, if you don't realize that the bigger issues are whether or not you share the same values that your lifestyles are blendable or he or she is emotionally mature enough to be in relationship, you're picking on the most trivial things. I've heard this one dating coach say, never go out with a man if he chooses a coffee date because you deserve to have a man take you to dinner. Like I've heard this woman on a TikTok video and I'm like, wow, it's gotten down to the most stupid, mundane, trivial reasons why. And then you wonder why the dating marketplace is so fucked up. And certainly men are not here. I look at men, I can't absolve men for their bad behavior. I mostly speak to a female audience and I'm gonna say, you know, ladies, you've got just as men have, okay, let me be clear. Men have issues, okay? Most men are good guys, they're just bad daters, but ladies, you are no different either in the amount of issues you have. And what fascinates me is I was watching a podcast with the Gottmans, if you're not familiar with the work of John and Julie Gottman, they wrote the book, Eight Dates. Okay, conversations to discuss before you really get serious with someone. But I realized that even in their love lab it doesn't address midlife dating. At least I have not yet seen. If someone's seen something that they've talked about, I'd like to address it. But it hasn't addressed midlife dating for those of us in midlife. And I always say midlife is after baby making years and before retirement. So if you're in the age of 42 to 69, that's the demographic I speak to. I believe we have unique challenges that isn't being addressed in the marketplace and that's why I draw attention to it. And one of the biggest issues in our age demographic is the childhood wounds and adult traumas that have gone unhealed. And when I say childhood wounds, I'm not talking about radical abuse. I'm talking garden variety, fucked up shit that we've all gone through, okay? I had parents that were married 66 years before my mother passed away and believe me, my mom wasn't like, you didn't have to call a doctor, a policeman or attorney, but my mom did fucked up shit to me. My dad used to beat the shit out of me when I did something wrong, okay? And I'm sure many of you experienced, you know, you might have had good parents but you had shit happen in your childhood. I shared recently how I was bullied as a kid in school. Do you know the emotional ramifications of that? Now look, I've been doing a lot of personal development, self-help and spiritual work to peel the layers of the dysfunctionality I've experienced and I don't blame my parents for any of this but I'm still just unraveling what it takes to be a good decent human being. By the way, folks, I will not profess for those that watch me and I know I genuinely appreciate all the love and support you give me but let me be clear. I'm just as dysfunctional as anyone else out there. I've got issues, okay? Can I get defensive sometimes? Absolutely. Do I put my foot in my mouth? Oh my God. Do you realize how many times when I record a video, how I mispronounce a word or my context or I ramble, all that kind of stuff and I'm no different in my real life to some degree except believe it or not, I do not curse as much in my personal life. I really don't. I just happen to like to use it when I'm recording videos for verbal, as exclamation points. The reality is we all have issues and imagine that to people that have issues with all the grand expectations associated with dating and then to hold space for another human being and to be vulnerable and to talk about your past relationships and to talk about what's going on in your life. That's incredibly vulnerable too and it takes a lot of emotional strength. It takes a lot of this. I wrote a book called What That Could Self-Love Anyway A Journey of Personal Development, Self-Help and Spiritual Work. There's a link below to get a copy of my book. It takes a lot of work to peel the onion of all the garbage that's been plastered on us and the older we are, the more garbage we have. It's called baggage. And again, I'm not trivializing this. I'm just drawing attention to it and like peeling the layers of an onion. See, I've subscribed to the belief that I need someone to love me so I can feel good about myself. I need someone to love me so I can feel good about myself. That's how I perceived to feel loved. Many people, many women can relate to that to some degree. You know the other thing I've also noticed? Men who are high achieving men financially, money feels like love to them. It's interesting how money is a form of energy but for a lot of men, money feels like a form of love to them. That's why they chase money. That's why their libido isn't their capacity to make money. Just on a separate note. And women feel more loved when they are nurturing others. This is just generalized speaking here. And so when they give love to another human being that's how they feel loved and yet it's so ungratifying when you're not loved in return. See, this is the real issues I want to incur. Okay, so folks, I have a request of all of you. You watch the podcast of the people I talk about. Start asking that they talk about midlife relationships from the psychological perspective. Not the people in their 20s and 30s that are going to be making babies but for those of us that have to deal with, like I said, divorce. And divorce is the unraveling of the tapestry of a former life and yet so few people actually learn how to reintegrate into their own sovereignty, into their own self-worth. And why do I recommend book after, by the way, I recommend this book habitually. The Hoffman process. This is a deep dive into healing. You know, parental trauma, childhood wounds and adult traumas. This is a significant book. This might take you a year to complete and I'd encourage you to spend an hour a day doing this but most humans are rather fucking lazy. You guys want to just go to a one week seminar and go, oh, I'm healed. It doesn't work that way. I've been working on my shit for a decade and I still have just scratched the surface. And yet if you want to have a healthy, happy relationship, it starts with the healthy, happy relationship with yourself and many people, believe it or not, some of the successful people I watch out in the podcast universe, believe me, they've got their own shit. These are not perfect human beings. I'm just willing to talk about my shit. You guys watched me while I went through an ending of a relationship with a woman. I was deeply in love with. It was not easy to go through that ending. And yet I see the value. I'm in a state of gratitude. We did a conscious uncoupling, but I'll be candid with you. That one's stung because I really thought we were going to go the distance together. And she's a wonderful, beautiful human being and I think I'm a good man too. Sometimes people don't work out and that's okay. But let me tell you something, it gets kind of draining to put yourself out there to be vulnerable to another human being. Many of you women don't date because of that and many men don't do as well or they do a really poor job at it because while we all want companionship, connection and physical intimacy, that capacity to go something deeper is a challenge for many people. And so we have so many more complex things to deal with for those of us in midlife and that's what I want to draw attention to. Not only is it just getting a first date and then getting to the second date and getting to the third date and getting to the fourth date, but then you get into a relationship with someone and then you're dealing with the other whole host of issues of communication style differences, lifestyle differences. As we in midlife, we get rather set in our ways. It becomes very difficult. It's rare that two human beings get together and they have an agreeable personality that they're willing to actually accommodate one another. Ladies, you've been indoctrinated that you have to compromise your life to accommodate a man. Now, I state that and I want to address something because I know one of you is going to bring this up. For those of you that criticized, first off, when I was in relationship with Marie, I never forced her to move to California. She reached out to me on the dating app. She lived in Chicago. I lived here. I said, I'm not interested in doing long distance dating. I'm not interested in doing long distance dating. I'm not interested in doing long distance dating. And she told me she was looking to move to California. And yes, she went and we both went and I went to her home to help pack her and we split the expense of her moving here. Okay, but I'm bringing this up is because she didn't accommodate me. She came, she sought me first and I said, this is what I'm looking for. And she wanted to move out of California anyway. And yet many of you women compromise yourself beyond what was going on there to accommodate a man. And then you find out that he's more of a selfish person because you haven't operated in a teamwork fashion. And this is just one of the many hundreds of little, little mechanisms, little pieces of the puzzle to make this work. And no wonder it's difficult to be vulnerable because it's rather scary to deal with all these moving parts. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? Please let me know if it is. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts on this. As always, if you find value in what I share, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. As always, if you want to connect with me, there's a link below to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. My area of expertise is centered around discernment and improving your intuition. I think I've become much better at that and this is what I teach from is discernment. Or if you want to join my group called Midlife Love Master, you want to follow me on Instagram, all the links below are listed there to connect with me. All right, since this is a live broadcast, since this is a live broadcast, if you have a question for me, write the word question then post the question there after. Or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son, Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there with his brother. He's my son who passed away over five years ago and his honor we donate to causes like the Hoffman Process Insight Institute and give discounts to coaching or scholarships to coaching as well. Again, or and there's a link I just posted. If you'd like to ask me any personal question about what I shared, this experience I had with a phone date or any of things related to vulnerability, I'm more than happy to share for my personal experiences or you can ask any question that you would like to talk about. There's a link I just posted right there. Just jump on. All right. Sunshine One, Sunshine One says, tired of relationship chameleons. I don't know what that means, but I will say this. Look it, I've gone on what feels like a thousand first dates, you know, since my divorce. That's not the actual number, but it feels that way. Believe me, I was a train wreck after my divorce. I probably might have been a chameleon to some degree. It just happens to be that we all have our shit. Hey, Beach Lover says, good luck tonight, $10 Super Sticker. Thank you so much. Yes. For those who know, I'm actually this evening, I'm hosting a live event where we're going to talk about, it's called Ditch the Dating Apps Meet Organically. It's a singles mixer. I really appreciate the love. So Beach Lover, thank you so much. My goal is to put men and women together in a more organic way. Talk about the stuff that I talk about on my videos. And maybe we make a few love connections. Who knows? I might meet the love of my life at the restaurant. So that would be exciting as well. Jody's in the house and she just gave us a $5 Super Sticker. Sounds so much. Trista Marie sounds like a great evening and Joy, thank you so much. All right, here's a question. Oops. What was the content of your phone conversation date? Okay, good question. So we talked about so she happened to know me publicly. She watched my YouTube channel and so it seemed like she knew a lot about me. So I inquired a lot about her. She's divorced, has three children, two twins that live, that don't live nearby her. She shared with me some of, we talked about personal development, self-help and spiritual work. She shared with me some of back story of her growing up. She shared with me what her first profession was or a significant profession was at 18, which is private, but I thought but she shared that with me. We talked about what we're looking for in a committed relationship, that sort of thing. There are other personal things to her that I can't share that are rather private, but I will say just holding space for another person while they share a bit of their past requires being vulnerable and that can be scary when they're a total stranger and she even admitted it was rather scary for her to be vulnerable with me. To act like vulnerability isn't part of the dating process. I will tell you the entire dating process is a vulnerable experience. Now, I don't mean about talking about sharing secrets and insecurities. I'm just talking about opening yourself up to another human being is a vulnerable experience. So anyway, as I spill all over my shirt, thank you so much. Can people change at midlife? I will tell you at age 40 prior to meeting before my divorce I was a jackass husband I was very self absorbed. I was a rather unconscious human being and I followed the script go to college, get a job, meet a girl get married, buy a house, start a family and I was the be the provider protector and that was my role and I recognize that in that role I was a very unconscious human being and it wasn't until I hit age 40 and I had a major calamity I'm going to answer your question in a second lost my high-end corporate job got wiped out in the market crash of 2008 and I certainly went through a divorce and I got addicted to drugs and alcohol and for a good decade I was a mess close to a decade I was a mess but I changed what caused me to change a humbling event humbling events and so by the time my son passed away five years after that you know I felt like I'd done so much personal development self-help and spiritual work I started to read books on relationships and I went to the Hoffman process and I did insight in seminars and I worked with therapists and I did coaching therapy so I think I mean folks if you knew who I was 15 18 years ago and who I'm today yes a person can change if they want to change Ruth if they want to change and I wanted to change Billy Holt says could you get to know each other long distance I'm not moving there I just want to know if I have a chance I'm not interested in long distance dating I'd have to say there'd have to be some extraordinary circumstance by the way I think it's a cute question Billy but there'd have to be some extraordinary circumstances but I'm not interested in a telephone relationship I'm not interested in how's your day going did you have a good day I hope you had a good day I'm thinking about you today are you thinking about me today oh my god we're thinking about each other where we get to know each other through social activities hobbies mutual interest spending time with family and friends traveling together teamwork building skills both in our personal our professional life intimacy both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together getting married so if somebody can fit into that narrative in their long distance more power to them but Billy thank you so much for that I really appreciate you made me smile Stephanie is in the house and she says have fun tonight good luck I appreciate it Latifah is in the house even though I left him after a three-year relationship where I found vulgar communication with a female why do I feel terrible in such a rut six months later I feel sad and lost well the why and that's a good question why do you feel that way most likely you gave your power away into this relationship you loving someone is not giving your power away making that having them love you for you to feel happy is giving your power away so it's it's because you haven't regained your power yet and until you nurture yourself until you nurture yourself truly love on yourself it's gonna feel that way and by the way if you can ask yourself these four questions what positive things did I learn about myself in this relationship what positive things about myself I learned the relationship how did I heal from this relationship how did I heal from this relationship what was good about this relationship and what am I most grateful for if you can answer those four questions and truly sit in a state of gratitude many of you hear me talk about this relationship with Marie do you know why I do that because I'm incredibly grateful she's a wonderful beautiful human being and I don't mean physical beautiful I think she's a really good beautiful human being and the reason why I want the best for her and I know she wants the best for me because we showed up as grown ups it didn't work out that's okay but I'm in gratitude for all the gifts the relationship brought to me by the way Rebels says I'm very able to open up I see men aren't so much in some cases yes but I can tell you I know equal amount of women who are not able to open up they have walls up Jody says we all need a humbling event to change I agree well whether we need it or not oftentimes our greatest challenge change comes from being able to open up so much all right let's keep going Billy's back in the house what if I was rich and famous J would you change your mind look if you're rich and famous you have enough money to come here to California and hang out for months and years of the time so knock yourself out G is in the house and she says when you plan to sleep with her and ask you to have sex on your date would you tell her no or would you go for it first off we don't have a date plan so that's not happening second I have no intention of sleeping with her and when that would happen it was when we both agree that that's where the relationship is headed on something more serious that's the way I would approach it but that's not even occurring so G thank you a few messages then text on cell he asked for a call doesn't want to text wants to hear an intimate response not an edited answer yay won't be a cyber hookup okay good for you excited bum bum bum bum bum bum June wants to say I'm so glad you're talking about how change and transformation is totally possible things we all have to remember is that we can and by the way I've been folks I was in the tunnel by the way Allison Armstrong where is she there's her book oh there it is Queens go Allison Armstrong talks about the tunnel men go through this is also known what Joseph Campbell talks about is the heroes journey my tunnel lasted it took me five years to get into the bottom of the pit of the tunnel and it took me another five years to get out of the bottom of the pit where I'm actually I think a more conscious awakened human being and yet even by the time my son passed away another five years later I was still peeling the onion of how to be a more emotionally grown up person so it takes sometimes many many years to make a gigantic shift although we have the capacity to make a shift in a moment's notice very rarely those of us in midlife have so many layers to peel okay so Anika says I get triggered when I initiate dates and conversations because I did this in my previous two relationships how do I heal this and do it in a healthy way so you get triggered okay so the trigger is that it reminds you of your past relationship and in that you're making an assumption that that effort you made in your past relationships is going to be duplicated if you make effort so here's I'm a big proponent I believe in mutual effort read the book folks everybody should read the book if the Buddha dated if the Buddha dated this throws out the bullshit gender rhetoric okay the bullshit gender rhetoric and talks about dating as a human being where two people are mutually making effort I believe both parties should be mutual and consistent effort read this book that would be my first invitation for you how do you let it go you got to just look at you're aware of it that's 80% of it you don't have to so you know the trigger is the aware triggers are just an awareness that something needs to make make it make make a change do something differently it's the choices you make after so I guess the choices is it's okay to initiate conversations provided they're mutually commensurately investing in you and if they don't then you just move on okay alright let's see let's keep going bump bump bump bump bump bump bump Diane says most men over 50 even younger nowadays which is scary need help with sex I say that's a good sign because he wants her experience to be good yeah you know we've got testosterone drops things that we're dealing with that again this is you know unique to men women have their own unique issues I think people that want to work on their stuff have a greater chance of success I don't think I answer your question but thank you Hillary do you think it's even ever a good idea for one partner to go to family or friends rather than a professional to get feedback or perspective on issues that hasn't been mutually resolved you know yes and no I think your family and friends know you the best they just and they usually have their best interests the problem is they're not they are not schooled enough to give you objective or healthy advice so I think it's kind of awesome I go to my first off I have personally curated a group of people that are my trusted advisors these are people that I've witnessed recognize that they give really good perspective but I don't take their word for everything it's one of the reasons why I seek outside counsel I have a coach in my life to get some objective advice so I think that they're all good but the problem is sometimes are the closest people in our lives while they have their best interests at heart it's not your it's not there it's not their life it's your life and you have to take advice and then curate it I've always thought about this if I was in the same if my son was in the same situation as me what advice would I give him and that's the advice I listen to whatever advice I would give my son even though he's younger if I was asked me advice for the exact same situation I asked myself what's the advice I would give to him there's Colin right there alright body electric says Allison Armstrong is amazing I would love to see collaboration between you well she's had me on her man panel before and we connected a few times in the past oh wait Anika said thank you for the $10 super sticker that our goal $50 we need $25 more for today so thank you so much Hilary says oh that's good thank you you're very welcome beach lover says the experiences create more complexity yeah the older we are the more complex our lives are so absolutely she says Jonathan or an amago okay so amago folks if you're not familiar with the work of Harvelle Hendricks Helen Hunt read the book getting the love you want understand that something known as the amago I am a GO it's how we oftentimes choose people like our parents or our major caregivers when you understand this you'll realize by the way I have every relationship I've ever had I've chosen my mother to some way shape or form every night not that they look like my mother because in some ways emotionally speaking I've been trying to heal my mommy wound most women are trying to heal a daddy wound most men are trying to heal a mommy wound and I've been working on healing my mommy wound for a very long time I went to the Hoffman process to work on that so alright if you have a question even if you have a personal question for me post the question there and do my best to answer them all we need some oh there's a question there that says Jonathan are you saying that as we age we add layers as though undoing all the childhood stuff wasn't enough well yeah we have our adult experiences so we have our childhood wounds but then we have all our fucking adult wounds every every day past age 21 or the minute you move out of the house all the childhood wounds are okay when you are living with your parents whatever age that is every piece of the puzzle of your life as you got older whether you had a marriage whether you had a significant relation or that went through a divorce you had a significant relationship and you've gone on what feels like a thousand first internet dates yes the older we are the more shit piles up until we start peeling it but by the way even when we're peeling our stuff new shit starts to come up by the way life is fucking exhausting emotionally speaking I think actually I have a new theory I just came up with this this morning I believe for the first time in human history we are like we've been in survival mode for so long that our instincts are based on based survival needs I think now we're curating our emotional well-being and we have hundreds and hundreds of years before humans are going to cultivate real emotional healthy well-being I think it's going to take generations of good parenting the problem is look at most of my generations children are a byproduct of divorce ok so we are going to go through a lot more shit for a while before it gets better I know that's depressing but you know I do believe human beings will evolve probably in the year two thousand excuse me twenty three twenty four hundred from an emotional perspective I think it's going to take a couple hundred years just my perspective anyway beach lover said I tried to heal mommy there you go Ruth is back in the house I do find that after the experience with my ex-husband I know I recognize I'm not getting gaslit and I don't let go let it go unrecognized good for you someone says I love when he swears you like it when I f**king swear Rebo wants to know what's the percentage of spirituality is in your priority list if you're talking about my priority list in relationship I would say my number one priority for anyone future is that they have a regular practice of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, okay? Like they're working on themselves and they genuinely are willing to do therapy or counseling at the very early stage of dating. So that's my first criteria. The second criteria, ideally as we share a level of a connection with the divine, a connection with our higher self. So those are actually my two of my top priorities. Plus I'd like to have someone who's really into me. That's a kind of a high priority. She says, is it possible to heal daddy wounds if me and my father haven't spoken in 20 years? Absolutely, you do not need your parents to heal. There are so many modalities of somatic therapy, emotional release work, talk therapy. There are so many different modalities of healing that don't require you to ever actually, you know, confront or address it with the person. Absolutely, but sometimes it's best if we can. Oh, June wants to know, have you ever experienced San Pedro? No, I have not. It's on my list. I actually have a little batch at home, but I don't know how to make it and I don't know how to administer it, but it's on my list. I do variety of different psychedelics, including psilocybin, 5TP, HMO, DMT, whatever the fuck that is, MDMA. I'm looking to do ketamine. I'd like to try that. I've done LSD. Boy, did that open me up. That opened me up in ways. I had such a healing with my mother when I did that. Oh, big time healing. So yes, I've done a lot of different modalities. Oh, and ayahuasca too. Didn't dig ayahuasca, believe it or not. What is the, Anika says, what is the essential to have in our essay on our dating profile? Do men really read this? They comment on my photos mostly. Here, I'll read you my profile just to give you, and just to get, this is just a bumble profile, okay? Just to give you some context of what we're talking about. I could read my match.com profile, which is much more in depth, but this profile says, okay. So it says, about me. For the past five years after losing my son, I've been on a deep exploration to find out who I really am beyond fear and ego. A journey of self-love. Seeking a marriage-minded, empty nester who wants to explore the depths of love. And I go on to say, swipe right if personal development and spiritual practices are important to you, including plant medicine journeys to explore deeper consciousness and expansion to the divine. And I go on to say, non-negotiable, must have a connection to source or spirit, have a desire to heal from childhood wounds and adult traumas, basically to grow emotionally as a person and as a couple. That's, oh, and then pros and cons of dating Jonathan Asley, the prone. High emotional IQ and good relationship skills, the con, I like to process everything. Yeah, I'm an exhausting person to be in relationship with. I'm not for the faint of heart. Toba says, my boyfriend lied and I caught him. That's not a question, but thank you for sharing. The Tifa says, how do I learn to trust again and dating, letting your guard down, being vulnerable? It's not fun dating a person who has trust issues. Let me just tell you this. It is not, I dated a woman for three months that had trust issues and that was exhausting. I was in, I dated a woman once who had walls up. That, that wasn't exhausting. That was painful. Okay. So you have a very valid question. Personal development, self-help, spiritual work therapy are all forms of healing. You have to find that place of loving yourself. And so I'm going to tell you, dating a person that has trust issues or walls up as a man, I find it's, I'm actually, I'm really good at figuring out a person. Literally on two telephone calls, I could probably peg a person with about 80% accuracy on how emotionally available they are. Okay. I think I'm pretty good. Well, I do that in my coaching practice. Actually in one coaching session, I can determine a person's emotional availability fairly with probably an 80% accuracy. Here's a link to schedule a discovery call with me to see if working with a coach is right for you. So it's not fun dating that person, speaking at the other end. So I'm going to say, go to a therapist, do somatic therapy, do emotional release work, forgive, invest in the books I recommend. Those would all be the things, but you have to be willing to put in the work. And we're talking about months and months and months and months and months and months and months and months and months of work. Are you willing to do the work Latifa? That's the real question. Crystal's in the house. Do you think maybe we're too picky when we try to find a partner? Yeah. I'd say, I mean, by the way, I'm superficial. I'm picky. I'm aware of that. I'm going to be honest with you. I'm no saint, folks. I'm picky. I kind of have hope, I have a fantasy that when I meet the right person, it will just, the pickiness goes away. What if pickiness is your discernment? What if pickiness is your intuition? But also you have to be open and receptive. And that's the tricky part. Pickiness is usually a function of closed. Open and receptive has a different energy associated to it. Open and receptive is about operating from your intuition. Pickiness is about guarding yourself. At least that's my interpretation. Does anyone agree with that? Art and Soul says, let go, forgive your parents. They likely did the best they could. Move on. It's very freeing. I agree. Bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. Folks, if you have a question, actually write the word, write a question out, okay? G says, you just said something you wouldn't get involved with. You just said someone who, wait. You just said someone you would get involved with would have to go to counseling. Do you think everyone has issues? What about, no, I said couples counseling, okay? I'm talking about, I said counseling or a coach to actually build the foundational pieces of a relationship. I would like to have, look at golfers have people, smart people have coaches in your life, okay? I think couples should have coaches or therapists or counselors as part of the committee to make your relationship successful. So, and I think individuals need their own work too. So yes, I said that, okay? Bum, bum, bum, bum. She says, I wanna try a spiritual journey with ayahuasca, but my brother told me that people feel empty out after, but not in a good way. I think, oh no, ayahuasca can bring up a lot of your shit. You have to be willing to face your dark side. Ayahuasca will bring up your dark side and for some people they're not ready for it. That's why you might wanna try some softer, like gentler medicines before you go into the dark side. You know, like, okay, you guys remember Star Wars, the Force, okay, there was the Force, but then the dark side, that's our shit, okay? Our shit. You gotta be willing to like peel, I like, so some people go in and do ayahuasca and it can have some very traumatic effects. Now the benefit is it actually has an opportunity if you choose to do the work to heal it. G says, what's your drug of choice when you said you used? First off, I don't like to call them drugs, I like to call them medicine. So my medicine of choice is all of them. G says, you're right about trust issues. It also means that the person hasn't gotten over their past relationship and agreed. A lot of people are stuck in the, that's another thing about midlife folks, they're stuck in the past. Did I say that earlier? I think I did. G asks, would you date someone who is not very attractive, however she may have a good personality? Would you put her looks aside? You know, I guess that's a really subjective question because what's beautiful to one person is another person's uh, okay? So what matters most to me is, do I feel a connection between the two of us? Now, so you're asking a very complicated question. Certainly I think two people need to be physically attracted to one another. I think it's important that they have a good personality but I think most, I think the thing that attracts me most is radiance, is a person radiating. But at the end of the day, you know, it's a subjective thing. Every person is unique when it comes to what they're attracted to. You know, there's this song, I like big butts and I cannot lie and the other brothers can't deny when a girl walks in with the itty bitty waist and a round thing in your face, you get sprung. Well, so some people like the Kardashian look. I'm not a fan of it, okay? I'm not a fan of big, gigantic boobies. I'm not a fan of duck lips. I'm not a fan of a lot of things, okay? I'm just not attracted to it. So each person is unique. So I like the song. Everybody, there's, you know, everybody has their type, okay? Todd says, pickiness is your defense of letting yourself down. Possibly. Sin says, there's nothing wrong with being a little discerning and cautious when meeting someone. Absolutely. The problem is there's a lot of expectation on our, men are expected to whine and dine and impress you. I don't like that expectation. That's why I'm big on like, you know what? I think my next first date will be a walk at the beach. LES says, what is the best way to grow a relationship with someone who has a different political views? Many times we keep things inside. Is that fake? If somebody has strong opinions in one political arena, I feel like it's better that they be with somebody who shares that value. I think that's a system, that's a value system of ideologies. That's just my opinion anyway. Linda says, I appealed, I've peeling a lot to do, got kicked down. And I've also been sexually abused from age 10 to 15. And later I've been in abusive relationship where I was very close to dying. He strangled me. Oh, I'm sorry you experienced that. That really sucks. I hope you've healed from that. And I hope that you genuinely love yourself. Let's keep going here. Let's keep going here. Beach Lover goes, you know the words to, that was my ex-wife's one of her favorite songs. It was played at our wedding. I like big butts and you can not lie. Anika says, I do a lot of spiritual work professionally so I can relate. A lot of guys are confused and puzzled by it. I'm totally okay with this. I consider myself a mystic, which makes me mysterious. Way to go. All right, this will be our last question of the evening. What does it mean when a man says he feels comfortable? I think it means he feels comfortable. I think it means he feels comfortable. You know, dating, okay, think about it. You can feel comfortable on a first date when it's surface. It's when it gets really, you know, when it starts getting emotional, do they feel comfortable? You know, you can feel comfortable with someone because you're experiencing lust or limerence, but it's a whole nother story if you can hold space for the emotional, where a person is at emotionally. And that's where I started this conversation about vulnerability. You know, it takes a lot of space. Men have to be, by the way, women are traditionally dramatic, okay? So let's just, I'm not, I'm just generalizing here. It takes a man who can handle a lot of vulnerability to, I don't like the word handle, to be able to hold space for somebody else's vulnerability. And so this is kind of, you know, this is the kind of the challenge. So coming back to she says, can you recap? I'm gonna go back and say, even first dates can incredibly vulnerable act. And so ideally, if we can build a fair amount of familiarity with someone before we meet them and we can feel safe to open up, that's the best course of action. Ideally, when you're meeting somebody who isn't a total stranger. G says, women are dramatic, LOL. I am the queen of drama. See my point? Folks, I'm here to encourage, ask those if you listen to podcasts for others. Let's start talking more about what it's like dating at midlife. Let's start having conversations about what we face with at midlife. Because let's face it, it's rather challenging for us. And there's not a lot of good advice out there. And I hope my channel is leading the charge to talking about what we face at midlife when it comes to dating, mating or relating. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating with you? Please let me know. Post a comment below. I'd like to hear your thoughts. If you found value in this video, please hit that like button. Please share this video. Please subscribe to my channel and hit that notification bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if you wanna connect with me directly, check out the links to a discovery call with me. Join my group called Midlife Love Mastery. Follow me on Instagram. Get the books I recommend. Get my dating vows, all that good stuff in the links below. And Beach Lover says, yes, it's resonating. So half a rebel says, very hyped up listening. By the way, have you ever listened to Jonathan Asley at two times speed? Oh my God. I was listening to a video of mine at two times speed. It was the one I did yesterday where it was about the red flags one. That woman listened to it at two times speed, the one I just did the day before. It is hilarious to hear me at double speed. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Root says, very interesting. Thank you so much. Jody says, thank you. Melita says, thank you. She says, you are awesome, Jonathan. Thank you so much. Thank you all for the love. I do plan on having fun tonight. Oops, art and soul. All right, I'm gonna wrap up this video as I always do first off. Give myself a big gigantic drop of American self love. I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear, a pillow. You have entered them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I wanna think shiny, I wanna think everyone who donated tonight. And shiny one in Larissa and Kimberly and Gigi and Tracy and Latifah and Melanie and Ruth and she and G and Jody, Rebel, art and soul, Off, Crawford, Beachlever, Sue Ann, Sharon, Hilary, Linda, she can do. Thank you all for the love. Wishing you a super duper, wonderful, fantastic evening. Be well, take care, bye now.