 So it's interesting because a few of my top videos here have been on why you should stop being a nice guy or a nice person Now in this video I want to elaborate a little bit because I think people misunderstood what I was saying, but I still think that inherently Yes, people like kind people, but there's a certain kind of nice person that not only they resent a lot of people around them But I think there's a level deeper here where a lot of people that are overly nice are not even as well-liked as they think So in this video, I want to share some of the traits that I used to embody that I since weeded out and I want to share a Little bit how I think my life has changed and maybe it'll help you as well What's up guys? Alex Hein here author of the book master the day So I think one of the catches about being nice like we're talking about the pathologically nice people I'm not trying to say don't be nice. Don't be kind I'm saying there's a certain kind of person the one I used to be who is so nice Because they lack self-confidence because we're afraid of stepping on other people's toes because we don't think our voice matters Because we want everyone to be all peace and harmony and friendly So for me, for example, I was so nice that I would push down my own desires Because I wanted to make sure everyone else got what they wanted and yet most people unless they're a sage Can only do that for so long before they start hating everyone So the very first thing about being too nice is that ironically people don't like people that are too nice And when you stop becoming that way you have you almost reclaim this sense of inner power So a great example of this is my sister bought a book on Female dating on my audible account Okay, it's a Matthew Hussey book and she said, you know what a lot of the inner psychology in this book You would like because I love psychology and so I'm listening to a book a man teaching women's dating Okay, so I'm listening on a book and in this book He's talking about how what the high value woman is and the traits behind the high value woman And one of the traits that he says is so common or so common in the high value woman That's so lacking and maybe women that are Dormats in a sense is this idea that the high value woman has this kind of inner power where she knows what she's worth She doesn't compromise and she doesn't go out of her way At least in the initial stages to like to be overly available. She's almost like this. I'm contained over here I'm powerful if you want this you got to come get it meaning. She's projecting this to the male and It made me think a lot of because this is exactly what happens when a nice person Kind of reclaims their own power so to speak and they know their self-worth when a nice person goes from yeah I'll do this. I'll do that. I'll do that It's like a clingy type energy and it's the same clinginess that men so often don't want in dating women And I thought that was so interesting because when you go from I'm gonna help you and you and you and you to you know What I really want to get Indian food tonight. I don't really want to compromise today That's what I want to do or you know what this is actually my dream career So mom and dad you guys can worry about yourselves But this is what I'm gonna go do and the irony is when you shift that kind of presence energetically from like like this This is this pedantic kind of nature to I'm over here. I know what I want. You can agree with it or not the paradox is that Everyone in your life will respect you that much more and You'll have almost like this magnetic quality because you don't need other people's opinions You don't need all your friends to vote on every major life decision you make or the people you date and It's really interesting when that shift happens now the second trait here that can become problematic if you're pathologically nice Is that you can go out of your way way too much to make other people happy? And then at the end of the day none of your needs are met So it's funny because this is so true in relationships where you have like that guy who's so impressed with this girl that He's just way too into her especially too soon and he invests way too much effort There's all these sweet things Before the woman has shown that she's committed and so he's like making her homemade things and always buying flowers and always doing this stuff And yet she's not really reciprocating and so it leads to a weird dynamic where like after a while He's like well Why isn't she doing these nice things for me that I want and it's because he's overdoing those things And so she's kind of like this and he's like this So it's created like this weird yin yang dynamic if the person is ready all in There's not even any room for you to go all in and I think that's often what happens even in friendships where like I used to be So nice that I would come pick people up or drive when we would all go out to the bar and eventually sometimes I was like I just want to hang out and drink I don't want to have to worry about driving everyone around and coordinating Sending 50 group texts to try to figure out where everyone is at each time screw that I just wanted to have a good night and so because I was overly nice I was smothering my own desires for everyone else's and it doesn't mean you become Selfish, but there is some kind of middle ground between helping people and people pleasing and pleasing yourself now the last I guess detriment of being too nice is that very often people are nice because Behind it all they don't share things bluntly or maybe they don't speak as an introvert often behind it There's low self-esteem the belief that what I say is not important So why share but also there's the fear of offending other people and this is a big one So this is interesting because it sounds logical like if I agree with him and her and him and her Then I'm going to be well liked because I agree with everyone But then when they ask what's your favorite food? What's your favorite movie? Do you like this sports team? What do you think about this and you're like Yeah, I mean a little bit that a little bit that a little bit that Like when you give all of these vanilla responses when people are looking For an opinion that an opinion is a judgment. You're literally deciding I want that and not that and people are really afraid of drawing a line in the sand Especially when you're nice and the problem is people are just as much going to dislike you for having no opinions As they are for having an opinion But even worse you're not going to connect with anybody or inspire anyone with no opinion Because when you're vanilla, there's literally no emotional resonance there Like the video that I shot last year and like how to figure out your life I was like I ended it with saying be rocky road in a world of vanilla Like actually have an opinion and say what you want and also say what you mean So I want to leave you with this because again the goal is not to be an a-hole The goal is not to be selfish. The goal is to be yourself To be real and to basically make all your desires known to people So it's not about stuffing things down or over the people pleasing It's a mixture of both and I think the paradox is that there's so many parallels especially in dating But when you become the kind of person where you know, this is what I want I'm not going to settle for anything else. This is important my opinions and my values matter That's going to also carry off into relationships where you treat yourself as someone who's worthy of respect And whose opinion is worthy of being listened to And as a result you're also going to attract those people when you date Because you're not going to be the doormat You're not going to go far out of your way, especially before the person's proven they're committed And the irony is that when you kind of act like this, I know what I want. This is cool I don't need anyone else's validation. You are way more powerful of a person You feel more powerful. You feel more magnetic and you feel more attractive even just to your friends It is a much more kind of inner power type quality you will have And I think that's what it is at the end of the day because when you know what you want when you know what you are And you know who you are and you're not willing to compromise It's interesting because rather than being all out here You're here, but you give off a vibe that everyone else wants to be around And I think that's a pretty cool thing and also nothing breeds resentment faster than stuffing down your own feelings Right, it could be with friends. It could be with your parents. It could be with dating It doesn't matter if it's I want to get Indian food. They want to get Thai food It doesn't matter if it's I want to be a doctor. My parents want me to be a lawyer It doesn't matter if it's my partner wants this from me, but I want that It's all the same emotion and all the same vibe and ultimately they're all going to produce resentment So I hope that helps those of you reformed or reforming nice guys and nice girls Before you go, the best way to stay in touch is to grab my free personal development and weight loss challenge at modernhealthmonk.com forward slash youtube and check out my last two videos Right here and that other one on how to stop being a nice guy right there