 Welcome to another episode of recover loud. I'm your host Mike Paddleford and I recover loud I'd like to wish all the mothers out there a happy Mother's Day. This is our Mother's Day show Our guest today Katie Robbins is a mother of four and has done the work to bring her family back together Katie says that her recovery journey has allowed her to be a present and healthy parent to her children Let's listen as Katie recovers loud Katie Robbins and I recover loud welcome back to another episode of recover loud tonight. We're sitting with Katie Robbins from Wyndham Welcome Katie. I'm glad to have you here today. Hey Mike. Thanks. Glad to be here So Katie you run a Facebook group rising grind recovery. I do and you are a Certified recovery coach as well as a CADC correct Correct. I just got my CADC and I've been recovery coaching now for probably about two years. Great What else is it that you're doing in your personal life? What are you doing? What have you started? So I have the group rising grind recovery We've also taken it to a non-profit level. We offer recovery coaching recovery coach supervision and peer support groups. I Also just began working with the main prisoner ranchery network to coach in the jails So I'm doing that and then I do Saturnizing consultations, which is a spiritual consultation firm that I am in the process of starting up So Katie your your recovery involves spiritual practices. It does. How how has that helped you? So it has helped me tremendously When I was growing up. I struggled with religion. My family is very religious So And that was a hard pill for me to swallow. I couldn't believe in that. I couldn't feel it. It just wasn't It wasn't it for me. So once I got into recovery. I started to really Someone gave me crystals is how it started And it it it worked. I felt better And then really what happened? This is kind of weird But pink tourmaline as a type of stone. I got one at the store And I like had put it in a necklace and pink tourmaline what it does is it takes like yourself doubt and like the negative self-talk and like the negative things you do inside yourself and transforms that into self-love and like care and Just all of that. So and that really was transformative from me And it made me feel that way it made me like that self-doubt turned to positive self-talk and positive daily practices And I just started doing rituals and meditating and going to the beach and really calling on the elements and You know miracles happened Things happened in my life that I saw that the universe was providing for me and I just found belief in that Yeah, and you know we all When we're using We don't put faith in anything really You know if we have faith in ourselves. We often times prove ourselves to be idiots, right? But once once we get into recovery we get to see the bigger picture And you know regardless of what it is that we find as a higher power. We understand that we are not it. Oh I've said it before I I drove my life into the ditch and totaled that vehicle many times but when I just let it go and accept, you know things for what they are and You know put my faith in something bigger than me You know then I was able to just start Accomplishing more and you know not feeling so bad about myself Right because it's it's not all on me, you know So your story involves a Your children. Oh, yeah, how many how many kids do you have? I have a little army. I have four of them And you know, this is our Mother's Day weekend show So I do want to celebrate you as a mom And a lot of times in recovery for for a lot of us You know just having the opportunity to be the parent to our children, you know is is a huge win How has that part of your recovery been So this is my favorite thing to talk about as you know So my my kids are my whole life If I didn't have them I would definitely not be in recovery and I would definitely not get out of bed in the morning probably but um So my journey started with yes rehab. I went I had a DHHS case. I was open for about two years I was successfully passing drug tests and My not-so-wonderful son's father called DHHS and said she's been taking these tests Do a hair follicle test on her so they did Found out I was daily using for ever the whole time So they offered me the option of Well, and I also had criminal court, so I was looking at two years in jail and my DHHS worker said You're a good mom. I'm not I don't want to take your kids But my supervisor is gonna look at this and it's not gonna be my choice. She's not gonna look at if you're a good mom she's gonna look at that you've been using consistently and They gave me an option. We're gonna take your kids or you can go to rehab with your kids So and at that time I only had two and I was like yes, I will go to rehab It's how I avoided jail. It's how I kept my kids It's how I the foundation of my recoveries and I mean there are stipulations and you have you can't have more than Four and they have to be under five. I think and but it was just a really like you said I When I was faced with it my son's father wanted to keep my son while I went to rehab and I had that option of like Not bringing my son and that just wasn't an option for me And I'm thankful that Connecticut had that because had I not been offered to go with my kids I would not have gone. Yeah, and that I mean what a disaster that would have turned into well And and for those that don't know, you know, when we go into a residential treatment setting You know, we obviously don't use substances from day one, right You know, so what's the point of that 30 60 90-day program is to learn how to live without using so for moms out there That used while they were raising their children, you know, my kids were around when I was using You have to learn how to be the mom Yeah, you know and to deal with life stresses while having other people, you know dependent upon you, right? So, you know to take the kids away to get you better They still would have been a learning process once you got them back afterwards. Yeah, and probably a reoccurring Like I probably would have reoccurred because for me parenting. I love my kids But it's that being alone being in the house of my kids. It's kind of triggering. So Having that opportunity. They also like taught us they let us keep our phones. So they taught us to live with our phones We had a whole group of like deleting contacts and you know working through how you Act with a cell phone When you're not using substances. So so when you were growing up Did you have attentive parents? You know, did they teach you? You know what to expect, you know as you got older. Did you have that support as a job? Um, so I I had support. Yes. I had support. I have a different story than some folks. I came from a really Decent family. There was no substance use. I have an uncle that's been clean off cocaine for like 60 years and I think he's he's the only person in my family that's done really too much besides myself and I have a sibling too, but like So outside of my brother and my uncle which didn't have issues like me. There was really none of that so I was blessed in the way that My family is not supportive of substance use. So when I use substances, they kind of backed off like what are you doing? Don't come around just Um, which was really helpful because it taught me independence. However, the flaw was I didn't know substance use existed. I didn't know DHHS existed. I didn't know people could take your kids I didn't know you could die from drugs like these are not things that I knew Yeah, um, so where my childhood was good I also had an entire lack of knowledge for an entire world that it was so fascinating when I found it So yeah, so then obviously when something happens and you're unprepared to deal with it Um, and you've learned the coping mechanism, you know, I can use and not feel this right You know, it's a dangerous cycle So Do you think had you known anymore what it would have changed anything about your? Probably not. Um, I might have been a little more aware um, of what I was doing. I No, I followed the boys and the boys to the drugs and that's just the way it went and I probably would have done that anyways um, I just might have been more aware of like That the person I was seeing when it's when I started with substance use and all that I might have been more aware of what was going on And been able to identify that more But I I think Yeah, I think I would have made the same choices Yeah, so um, you just Mentioned something that that brought up a conversation. We had just a little while ago um Identifying the traumas, you know, we all end up using um For whatever reason we find and you know, we can list thousands of reasons what why people use But basically it's it's a Response that we learn to deal with trauma And trauma can be any instance, you know that you deal with Somebody else may not be traumatized by the same event, but you know for whatever reason it it affects us differently So we go to using When we get into recovery, it's really important for us to identify our triggers Deal with the situation learn how to cope with it in a different way But throughout recovery, it's it's a journey. We're constantly learning right what those triggers are And for you and us Myself working in the community You know sometimes those Those issues don't really pop up until we see it in somebody else Right, and then of course we have to work on it ourselves to keep ourselves safe Um Do you enjoy giving back to the community? Uh, yeah, I think that yes, absolutely I think that my growth and my recovery journey is so strong because of the work that I do um So, you know, but like in 2019 I did reoccur. I started my recovery journey in 2015 in 2019 I reoccurred and I prior to that wasn't giving back. I wasn't recovery coaching. I didn't have a community I didn't even believe that someone could have friends like that was not even a thing that was real. Um, so you know getting into recovery and Like learning that I can have friends and learning that there's a community and there's people and that you can love people And not expect anything and not everything's transactional. Um Definitely has been beneficial to my recovery journey So unfortunately in recovery like you said like the learning to cope um, we're not all very good at learning to cope it and So I've been in recovery pushing seven years now at four years. I reoccurred And so I am like hyper aware of like the two to five year mark for not only me, but my friends like It's a dangerous place And I'm like hyper aware of that but Like even after that reoccurrence even like learning to cope and like self-care Is my thing like I meditate. I exercise. I do crystals. I do rituals. I do yoga. I do Hang out with my kids go to the park like any I buy stuff just because I'm like I'm buying something for me because it's self-care, right? Like And I'm so big on self-care and learning to cope and even myself sometimes like I can't cope Some days The the situation with my son like and you had said identifying trauma like I just recently unpacked A like illegal kidnapping that had happened like his father had illegally kidnapped him from me and I had an unpacked that day until probably three months ago and I mean Just and even that still I packed it back up because still I don't know that I can cope with it, but I mean, it's hard to learn to cope Especially if you've used substances like ignored it and didn't have that as a child Like my mom never taught me about meditating. My mom never taught me about self-development reading like Like my mom was good. Don't get me wrong But like I can teach my girls these things and teach them how to cope so that hopefully They don't have to run into these issues that we have like they will run into them, but Hopefully they can cope better than we did or have or do so I was never actually introduced to meditation or yoga Until I went into rehab and you know, I I didn't really give it much thought, you know, we were required to go into this class and you know twice a week it was yoga and meditation and I thought it was funny a joke in the beginning, you know, it's like oh nap time But after you know a few weeks of doing it, you know, I did start to feel better. I started to look forward to those times And I really enjoyed the meditation How often are you meditating? So I I try to meditate every day But I'm kind of bougie with my meditating and now that I've done it a while like I have a way that works for me I like to meditate on the beach because I can do it without got without a guided like if I'm quiet I need something guided if I'm on the beach. I don't need guided So I try to go to the beach. I try to do it every day and I don't do too much. I do like five ten minutes I mean I walk on the beach. I lay I do my crystals and I do rituals, but my meditating portion is usually like I would say about seven minutes, but between five and ten Um, and you know, I practice on an intention and and I lose it You know, I get lost in the thoughts and the sound of the birds and all these things, but I mean it's a practice Um, it takes time and and definitely you don't at first. It's like hilarious Even one of the guided ones it said to like be still and like a bag of rice and callies like Meditating with me laughing. I'm Can you get it together? Right, but like it it is sometimes it is funny at first, but like you said once you Feel that it's effective. Um, it takes on a new thing. Yeah um, so Can you tell us a little bit more about? Saturn rising consultations. Oh, what is your What is your goal with that? What are you hoping to do? Um, so I can't I don't necessarily know a solid answer to that So you know rise and grind is it's a non-profit and recovery coaching You know, you can't charge for recovery coaching not that I would want to but like um It's a non-profit thing So I also I have knowledge, right? So and I think my knowledge is valuable. So I wanted like a four higher part of it. So My plan right now is to just kind of like do the tarot Do um like pendulum divination and which is like a reading with pendulums. Um There's like a divination board and how the pendulum swings like will answer and you ask questions and stuff like that My big thing is rituals like I'm good at Like so Callie wants to get on a competition team for gymnastics. And so like I wish I brought it with me, but Her intention for her ritual is to like be able to be mindful of coaching to like be To do things with passion like it's not hey, let's get on the gymnastics team and do a ritual It's like let's do the things Listen to the coaching Practice tighten up our moves So that we will get ourselves to the point where we're able to get on that team And like so that's my big thing and like crystals and grids and spells and how to do that But I was also contacted by someone I met at black gloom day who's in graze house and she's like Hey, will you come do a spell jar? I don't you've seen my spell jars Like can you come do a spell jar thing with the with graze house one saturday? And I'm like, yeah, absolutely. And so that's another thing like so once I get out and I do a few of those Like I would like to start being able to get hired to go into homes or go into treatment facilities and do like spell jar classes or Like I want to learn mariki. Um, which is like an energy thing. So I'm like an energy healing type of ritual so I there's a lot of places I want to go with it But also like I have my cdc. I want to have I want to be able to have a counseling firm someday. So It's kind of like guiding Saturn rising and rising grind to kind of like yeah Meet somewhere so that when I get to the point where I can have my own counseling practice I can Have the spirituality have the coaching have the the practice and just kind of have like this kind of holistic spiritual treatment Thing I don't know necessarily what it is, but it's a thing Yeah, and that and that's great. Actually, I've I've been watching you Geez, I don't even know what I met you. Um, it was in recovery Shortly after I started recovery on the road. I came to to see you. You were running The center we must have at the center. Yep. Yep. Um, and we've met on on facebook before that, but You know, you're definitely somebody that's Brinding yeah for recovery. You really are. Um, and you know, I see it every day and you know one thing I mean even creating the show A lot is I try to show the beauty of recovery. Yeah, well, it's so beautiful if If you can harness that and believe in it, it's so powerful and wonderful and You know the biggest issue I have with doing this And and showing all, you know, the great things Is sometimes people think that, you know, we quit using substances our lives are great and we can do anything we want, right? To an extent that's true. I was gonna say which we can. Yeah, however, right. I could have also done all these things Seven years prior. Yeah Yeah, well and you know at that time had you done it seven years prior You know, there's a lot of trauma that you wouldn't have gone through Experiences that you wouldn't have And uh, you know, so today doing all these things we have all that trauma to deal with and you know just Remaining aware that you know, we don't recover We are constant. It's a continuum. Yes. And you know, just like you know Doctors practice medicine Lawyers practice law In recovery, we're practicing recovery, right? Um, you know, just like Anybody else who's still actively using You know, we could be gone tomorrow because we still Suffer with this disease That tells us that we're not worth it That what we're doing is pointless Um that people would be better off without us um That we're never going to make it and You know Choose to go out and use instead. So I I did that, right? I was four years good I had taken a trip. I thought I had my shit together I went to the place I had used I'd been there a few times before I was alone I had a few bucks, you know, everything seemed okay I was gonna be all right And then I was dead And my entire life my four years Like it wasn't gone, you know, I mean that is still very much part of my recovery. It's a huge foundation However, I woke up from that think my daughter um, but Like it just Like I died after four years of doing it and doing it good and well and like gaining successes and in an instant And then everything I'd worked for for those four years was essentially like reset now we get and and like there was a foundation and I had a I had like coping skills and I had all these tools to help me be successful for now my three more years, but Just it is so real on how quickly We can go from living well to not living at all. So I had gone to I had been in a domestic violence relationship. DHHS took my kids I'd gotten them back. Well, my little one the older one went with her dad So I was going to visit her And I was supposed to bring her home for two weeks And I went out there and I like I said, I was in the town that I used in Hartford, Connecticut I was at the bus station. I was there all night. I Didn't have money for a hotel. So I was just like, I'm just gonna kick it at the train station Bad idea. Don't kick it at the train station or the bus station in Hartford And I just thought like I'll just hang out here for the night and The dad will bring her tomorrow and we'll get on the bus and we'll go. Um, I ended up obviously buying heroin which was fentanyl at this point. Um And I was in the bathroom and we were about to get on the bus and I didn't want to shoot up on the bus So I was like, let me go in the bathroom. You go in this stall. I'll go in this stall And We she went to the bathroom and I was doing my thing and it was taking me a while because I hadn't done it in four years so I was like out of practice and um I did my shot and I Put everything away and I said I'm coming out, babe we're gonna go get subway and I remember putting my hand on the door handle of like the stall and I woke up with EMS. Um, so essentially what happened was my Then five year old, uh, watched me fall out of a stall in the bathroom And die in front of her. Um, and she was able to go Get help. Um And I mean the bathroom's disgusting there, right? So people aren't gonna use that bathroom just Like the bus bathroom is cleaner. So, um I mean had she not been there, I would not be here. I would have been on that floor for who knows how long um, so she definitely It's awful. She had to witness that. I can't imagine being a little girl and I mean watching her mom die I was dead like they narcanned me a few times like so she saw me blue. She saw me dying like um So yeah, thankful for her But also, I mean it sucks that she had to go through that but um, how old is she today? She's eight She's eight and um, she still lives with dad but she comes often. Um How is that relationship today with me and Cal? Yeah, great. Um We have slightly touched on the topic. Um She's like, I thought that was pills Right doesn't matter what it is when you watch your mom die. I don't think it matters But no, it wasn't pills. It was fentanyl and you know, I tell my kids about fentanyl because I'm nervous They're gonna be like, hey, you got a Tylenol for a headache and then they're gonna die in gym class or something. So Yeah, so you're you're trying to provide that information. Oh, yeah education that you didn't have right when you were growing up right and also like the meditating and the coping skills and self-development um and Crystals and all this stuff like she my daughter's a little witch. She and I mean that like in a respectful like way. Um Um When I was pregnant with anesthesia the night before she said mom I'm making a potion for you to have this baby And then the next morning I woke up in labor. Um, so So, you know, she's got the spiritual thing. She's got the magic. She's learning the coping skills. She knows about fentanyl and arcan Knows what to do with when someone dies in front of her. Um, you know I don't I don't love our police force. I don't hate it either, but um I'm thankful that That I didn't instill the negative things that I have for the police into her So that she felt Like she could go to someone and the police could show up and it was what it was and um, there was a girl there that I'm thankful for That helped that process along too because the cops were very stigmatizing and mean and There was they weren't gonna let me see my daughter She was in the hallway screaming when I woke up and they weren't gonna let her near me because I'm some monster, right? So And the ems worker was like no we are letting this kid sit on her mom's lap We're all here. There's like eight of us, right? What's she gonna do? She's strapped to a like whatever that thing is. Um But she let me have my kid With me and that was That was huge. Thanks for joining us for another episode of recover loud You can watch us on youtube at recover loud New shows premiere saturday nights at eight o'clock You can also watch our shows Thursday night at seven o'clock on p.m.c channel five in the greater portland area So every time I call you pick up the phone and always reminded me that i'm not alone And even when i'm scared in my feet of frozen you help me keep it going like a semi-colon Even if i'm lost he helped me like the way and even in the dark he always keeping me safe And everything i've lost don't compare to what i've gained so no matter what it costs Yeah, i'll be willing to pay because every time i call you pick up the phone and always reminded me that i'm not alone And even when i'm scared in my feet of frozen you help me keep it going like a semi-colon So i'ma follow your steps for all of the way up on my faith in you and walk on the waves And if i stumble a bit and fall on my face you come and save me with all of your grace. Yeah