 The Jack Benny program transcribed presented by Lucky Strike. Friends, everytime you light up a Lucky, you get more real deep down smoking enjoyment. Yes, that's exactly what you get from every Lucky you light. For to make certain that Lucky's are a smoother, lighter, more deeply enjoyable smoke, Lucky's pay more for fine tobacco. Millions of dollars more than official parody prices. Remember, in a cigarette it's the tobacco that counts, and L.S.M.F.T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Fine tobacco that guarantees a milder, truly finer cigarette for you. Yes, from first puff to last, there's never a rough puff in a lucky. So for your own real, deep-down smoking enjoyment, smoke that smoke of fine tobacco Lucky Strike. The Lucky Strike program, starring Jack Benny with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Dennis Day, the sportsman for Ted and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, let's go out to Beverly Hills. It's morning and hundreds of people brimming with the Christmas spirit are waiting for the local department store to open its doors. Oh, Mary. Mary, where are you? Here I am, Jack, right behind you. Oh, yes. Mary, how'd you like the way I wiggle myself through this crowd right up to the front of the line? Yeah, those rumble lessons you took from Arthur Murray really helped. I'll say. When we started, we were way at the end, and now there's only one man ahead of me. Hello, Jack. Hello, Mr. Murray. Oh, look, look, Mary, they're getting ready to open the store and let the crowd in. I can see the manager walking over to the floor walker. Jasper. What is it, Mr. Sempkins? It's almost time to open the store. Are all the clerks at their stations? Yes, sir. Good, you will open the doors in ten seconds. Are you ready for final inspection? Yes, sir. Hair, comb, chin, out, jacket, breast, carnation, moist. Good. It is now nine o'clock. You may open the doors and guide our customers into the store. Yes, sir. Mule train. Mule train? Jasper. Jasper, how could you do a thing like that to our customers? When I saw those faces, I couldn't control myself. Wait here, Mary. I'll be right back. Don't get into it. Never mind. Say, mister, are you the manager? Yes, I am. Well, as one of your steady customers, I resent being ushered into the store like a mule. I apologize, sir. I've never been in the store. I said I apologize. Put your ears down. Now look, mister. Jack, I told you not to get into it. Come on. Oh, all right. Jack, I'd like to go to a store with you just once where you don't get into an argument with everybody. Look, Mary, I'll admit that sometimes it may be my fault, but not this time. Imagine driving customers into a store yelling mule train. Well, don't stand there complaining. Go have your coat fixed. My coat? His whip tore your sleeve off. Oh, yeah. Well, I'll just pin it and then fix it when I get home. Come on. Mary, what do you think I ought to get for my sister Florence in Chicago? Oh, I don't know. It ought to be something nice. You know, Mary, I have no brothers and no other sister. Florence is my only close relative. I ought to get her something really nice. Uh, what'd you get her last year? A pencil sharpener. Oh, how sweet, Jack. But then she is your only sister. Yeah. After all, you know... Jack, let's go outside and come in the store again. Why? I want that guy with the whip to get another crack at you. Nothing to do, and he had his chance. Anyway, I can't understand a store like this bringing customers in just the way... Hey, pardon me, mister. Did you see my wife? Huh? Are you talking to me? Yeah. Did you see my wife? No, I haven't. As a matter of fact, I don't even know your wife. Then how do you know you didn't see her? Now, mister, how would I know... Now, I can't stand here jabbering. I better go look for her. Now, come on, Mary. Let's go. Oh, Jack, look. There's Dennis. Where? Oh, yes. Hey, a man, what can I do for you? Gee, I don't know what to get for my mother. She goes horseback riding a lot. Maybe she'd like it if I buy something for the horse. Oh, say, mister. Yes? How much is that horse collar? Horse collar? Yes, that white one hanging up there on the wall. Young man, this is the plumbing department. Just what is it you're looking for? I don't know, but I'd like to get something for my mother. Well, I can call the ladies' department and save you some time. Did you have anything in mind? Well, yes, sir. I think a dress would be nice. Oh, that's an excellent idea. What size dress does your mother wear? 36. 36? Uh-huh. I think I ought to get her a nightgown, too. Size 58. Now, wait a minute, son. If your mother wears a 36 dress, why would she wear a 58 nightgown? She doesn't sleep in her girdle. Young man, young man, I think you're a little confused. However, I will admit there is a little variation in size, but very slight. Gee, I hope that movie company doesn't find out. Movie company? Yeah, they want my mother to take off her girdle to advertise their new picture. What picture? Lost boundaries. Young man, would you do me a favor and shoplift something so I can have you arrested? Why? Yeah, let it go. Is there anything else I can do for you? Uh-huh. Those men's shirts and that case across the aisle, are they real silk? Oh, yes they are. They'd make a wonderful gift for your father. Oh, they're not for my father. I'd like to buy them for Jack Benny. Jack Benny? Do you know him? Oh, sure. He's on one of my shows. Dennis, Dennis. Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Hello, Mary. Hello, Dennis. Doing your Christmas shopping? Yeah. Gee, I was just gonna decide on Mr. Benny's gift and he had to walk up and spoil the whole thing. Oh, I'm sorry, kid. I didn't know you wanted to be a secret. Yeah. Now you'll have to close your eyes. Okay. Got them closed? Uh-huh. Okay, Mr. You can wrap it up now. I'm putting it in a shoebox so he won't know it's a shirt. Can I open my eyes now? Yeah. Gee, that was a close one. Yeah, yeah. Well, say, Mr. Benny, while my packages are being gift-wrapped, would you like to step over to the music counter and hear a record I just made? Oh, sure, kid. Come on. Oh, Miss. Yes? Do you have the latest record made by Dennis Day? You mean I must have done something wonderful? Yeah, that's the one. Would you play it, Miss? I'm sorry, but our record player is broken. Broken? Yeah, all day yesterday, every five minutes, some curly-headed jerk kept requesting, that's what I like about the South. I think I know who you mean. Why didn't you tell him that you refused to play it? And get hit with a ham-hawk? Oh, yes, he's never without one. Gee, and I wanted you to hear my record. Well, it'll make you feel better, Dennis. You sing, and I'll spin you around. Okay. Okay, come on. You must have done something wonderful to find someone... Dennis, I bet it's a swell record. Say, Mary, don't you think that song will be a... Mary? Now, where did Mary go? Well, she's way over there at the end of the counter. Oh, yes. May I, uh, wait on you, Miss? Yes, I'd like to get something for a gentleman. A gentleman? You're a husband? Uh, no, my boss. He's been nice to me, and I'd like to show my appreciation. Oh, here's something nice. A gold tie clasp. A gold tie clasp? No. Well, how about a gold key chain? No. How about gold cufflinks? Look, mister, I don't want to get him anything. He can melt down. Yeah, I wish I could think of something. Well, Miss, perhaps I could help you better if you told me how closely you two are associated. Are, uh, are you engaged? No, we're not. Is he your boyfriend? No, as a matter of fact, he treats me more like a sister. How about a pencil sharpener? A pencil sharpener? Yes, we ship one to Chicago every year. It goes to a girl named Flossie. You mean Florence? Well, I feel like I know her. Hey, Mary, Mary, let's not keep losing each other. Hey, I spend more time... Oh, hello, Mr. Benny. Oh, hello, hello. It's, uh, on the way to Chicago. Sir, wait a minute. This year I was going to get my sister something different. Come on, Mary, let's go. You know what's amazing? How everybody knows I'm a comedian. Mary, I'm going to get something else for my sister. Now, is there anything else, sir? Well, I don't know, baby. Let's see what I've bought so far. Well, there's one black negligee. Yeah. That's for my ever-loving wife. Oh. I don't know, Mary. That's for my ever-loving wife. Oh, you're married? Am I married? Well, I'm married to Alice Faith, the sweetest little gal whoever. Oh, come on now, baby, stop crying. There ain't enough of me for everybody. Happens every time. Now, let's see, honey. I've got everybody's present except one for Jackson. Oh, I know. I'll get him a pair of socks. What size? Uh, 11 and a half. These? Yeah. I'll take off my shoes, put the new ones on, and then I'll be all right. Mr. Harris, I thought you were going to give socks to Mr. Benny. I am. Here are my old ones. Gift wrap them. Don't you want me to sew up the holes first? No, no, no. Just throw in a needle and thread. Give the old man something to do when he gets home from his rumble, I think. Yeah, put plenty of ribbon on the box so the kid can play around. Oh, yeah. Hey, pal. Dear hearts and gentle people. They're funny running into you, Phil. Yeah, how's Alice? Now, stop it. Well, what's the matter with her? Usual thing. She's upset because she found out I'm married. Oh, now, that's ridiculous. You cried a little too, Dad. All right, Art. But that was during the ceremony. I have nothing to do with you. Well, then why'd you cry? Because you wouldn't let him go on the honeymoon. Don't worry. Stop. I've seen that. Look, I've got to get some California pennants. California pennants? Yeah, you see, I'm going to the Rose Bowl game and I want to cheer for California. But all they got in this store are pennants from Syracuse. Pennants from Syracuse? Sure. There's a big box of them right up there on the counter. See what it says? Syracuse pennants. That's circus peanuts. Syracuse pennants. Phil, how can you be so... She disappeared in the crowd. Good, good. Now, Mary, I wish you'd help me decide on something for my sister, Flora. Jack, I've been trying to think. Gosh, I don't know. Hey, mister, are you sure you didn't see my wife? Look, buddy, I'd like to help you, but I don't know what your wife looks like. Has she got any identifying marks? Well, she's got a birthmark. Never mind, I'll look for them myself. Yes, yes, you better. Chloe! Come on, Mary. Why does everybody have to pick on me? Well, have you made up your mind, sir? Huh? Oh, I was just looking around. I sure would like to give my girl a ring like that. Well, I don't blame you. That's a beautiful diamond ring. How much is it? $4,000. That doesn't sound so bad. Well, I look at my bank book. Well? Well, I turn the page. Well? Well, I turn another page. Well? Just a minute, I'm on the last page. Well, what's on the last page? Put something in the pot, boy. Well, look, mister, if you want to buy this ring, you don't have to pay the $4,000 cash. You can pay for it on easy terms. All you have to do is establish credit rating. Credit rating? Yes, I have the forms right here. Your name? Rochester Van Jones. Are you employed? Yes, sir. Who do you work for? Jack Benny. Oh, what are your duties? You mean you want to go on? Yes. What are your duties with Mr. Benny? Well, besides being his rumble partner, I'm his personal secretary, legal advisor, attorney at law, and I also select the scripts for the movies he makes. You pick his movies? He has to blame somebody. Well, I don't agree with you. I think that Mr. Benny is a great entertainer, whether it's stage, screen, or radio. And as far as I'm concerned, his last picture was one of the funniest I've ever seen. You keep talking like that and you'll be in line for a pencil sharpener. Jack, I think Rochester's over there picking out a gift for you. Yeah, I guess so. I don't want to see me, so let's move on. Oh, Jack! Jack! Hey, it's Don. Hello, Don. Well, hello, Barry. Oh, say, Jack, I just bought you a present, but I felt it was silly to wait until Christmas, so I'm going to give it to you now, here. For me? A mop? But, Don, what can I do with a mop? This isn't a mop. I just put a handle on it so you wouldn't be embarrassed carrying it home. Oh, I see. I thought the widow's peak was so you could get into the corners. What have you got in that little bag? Oh, Mary, I'm glad you asked me. Here, here, I'll show it to you. It's the cutest thing you ever saw. What is it, Don? Well, see, it's a little toy merry-go-round. Well, what do you want that for? Well, here, let me show you. First, you wind it up, and then you release the lever, and it spins around and plays music. Really? Let's see how it works, Don. Okay. L-S-M-F-T. Lucky strike is as good as can be. L-S-M-F-T. Smoke a lucky, and you will soon see. There's nothing quite like popping on a lucky strike. There's nothing so you better keep on popping. Everybody knows they're round and firm and fully packed. Yes, they're fully, fully, yes, they're fully, fully. Everybody knows they're free and easy on the door. There's a free and easy, there's a free and easy. Don't you think it's time you start? Now, what's the matter? Well, here, here. I better wind it up again. L-S-M-F-T. That's a shame at Broke. Oh, that's all right. I'll get another one. Well, I've got to run along now. See you kids later. Bye, Don. So long, Don. Now, Mary, I don't want to be here all day. I'm going to get that other present for my sister. Let's go over to the perfume counter. Well, Jack, I've got some other shopping to do, so I'll meet you there later. All right, Mary. Don't be too long. I would kind of perfume my sister. I don't want to be here all day. I don't want to be here all day. Oh, there you are. What? Where is she? Why do you keep asking me about your wife? I told you I don't know what she looks like. Well, here. I'll show you a picture of her. See? This? This is your wife? Yep. Seems silly of me to keep looking for her, don't it? Anyway, Miss, she must be in the store someplace, so just keep looking, and you'll probably find her. I hope not. So I can stop running into such silly... Oh, here's the present. I don't want to be here all day. I don't want to be here all day. Stop running into such silly... Oh, here's the perfume counter. Must be something nice here for my sister. Oh, clerk. Clerk. What can I do for you, sir? Are you the salesman here? Yeah. You're the salesman here in the perfume department? Don't take my word for it. Smell me. I'll take your word for it. What perfume would you like to buy? Well, what kind have you got? I've got taboo, temptation, shocking, white shoulders, surrender, and you should excuse the expression, my sin. I think... I think my sister likes taboo, but I don't know whether to get it for her or not. Taboo or not taboo? That is the question. I made that up myself. Says I'm another Milton Boyle. Does look a little like a kinescope. Now, let's see some other perfumes, please. Okay. We have some very nice imported ones. Evening in Paris. Uh-huh. Midnight in Madrid. Uh-huh. Here's a domestic one. Morning in the smog. Oh, are they... are they bottling it now? Why not? We got enough of it. Yes, yes. Oh, there you are, Jack. Yeah, I thought I'd stop here and get some perfume for Florence. Clerk, what's that? Oh, this is a very fashionable odor. It's called au jus de hui. I'll spray a little on ya. Say, that does smell nice. Yeah. And it's got penicillin in it to fight off virus acts. That's not a bad idea, you know. Hey, Jack, here's a perfume your sister Florence might like. L'eau de la vie crayon. L'eau de la vie crayon? What does that mean? Aroma of freshly sharpened pencil. Oh, you're no help. Imagine putting a clerk like you behind a perfume counter. Oh, this ain't my regular job. I just sell perfume during the Christmas rush. I thought so. What is your regular job? I'm a goose girl at Hollywood Park. Harry, I've had enough of this guy. Hey, what's that? Well, we've been here all day and it's closing time. You mean they're closing the store now? Yes. Jack, look out! They're sleeved. Come on. Air food packages have been improved and increased with more meats and fats that mean health to hungry children and families overseas. 22 and one-half pounds of life-giving food for $10. Delivery guaranteed. Send your contribution to non-profit care in Los Angeles or New York. That's C-A-R-E, care, Los Angeles or New York. Jack, we'll be back in just a moment. But first, when Lucky Strike goes to the tobacco markets, they have you in mind. Your deep down enjoyment of smoking. And that's a big reason why they pay more for fine tobacco. It's all American. Yes, friends, at the tobacco auctions, Lucky Strike pays millions of dollars more than official parity prices for fine, light, naturally mild tobacco. You see, in a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. And L-S-M-F-T, Lucky Strike, means fine tobacco. You'll know this is true with every lucky you like. For here's smoking at its finest. Smooth, mellow, deeply enjoyable. It is never a rough puff in a Lucky. And like you, the veteran tobacco men choose Lucky Strike for their own personal enjoyment. In fact, a recent survey reveals that more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen, smoke Lucky Strike regularly than the next two leading brands combined. So take a tip from the experts and smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike. And here's a Christmas gift suggestion that every friend will welcome, a wrapped Christmas carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes, 10 packs, 200 cigarettes, 200 wonderfully smooth, deeply enjoyable Lucky's. Yes, give Lucky Strike Christmas cartons to your friends and keep a good supply of Lucky's on hand to add to your enjoyment of the Christmas season. Gee, Mary, this Christmas rushes awful, isn't it? Yeah. Hey, look how crowded this bus is. Hey, Ro! Ro! Huh? How are you? Oh, it's you. I'm fine, fine. You ever find your wife? Who do you think is driving the bus? Oh, well, tell Chloe to let me off at the next corner. Ladies and gentlemen, next Sunday, two hours before my own show on the same network, the actor's company will present the man who came to dinner with Charles Boyer, Mel Farrar, Henry Fonda, John Garfield, Jean Kelly, Dorothy McGuire, Gregory Peck, Rosalyn Russell, and yours truly, Jack Benny. I'm sure you'll enjoy the show. And another thing, ladies and gentlemen, the next time we meet, it will be Christmas Day. So on behalf of my sponsor, my cast, and my entire staff, I want to take this opportunity to wish each and every one of you a happy and joyous holiday season. We're here, Dennis Day, and a day in the life of Dennis Day. Stay tuned for the Amos Manly Show, which follows immediately. Bye, Castingson.