 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org. Stepping Heavenward by Elizabeth Prentice, Chapter 1, January 15, 1831 How dreadfully old I am getting! Sixteen! Well, I don't see as I can help it. There it is in the big Bible in Father's own hand. Catherine, born January 15, 1815. I meant to get up early this morning, but it looked so dismally cold out of doors and felt so delightfully warm in bed. So I covered myself up and made ever so many good resolutions. I determined in the first place to begin this journal. To be sure I have begun half a dozen and got tired of them after a while. Not tired of writing them, but disgusted with what I had to say of myself. But this time I mean to go on in spite of everything. It will do me good to read it over and see what a creature I am. Then I resolved to do more to please Mother than I have done. And I determined to make more effort to conquer my hasty temper. I thought, too, I would be self-denying this winter, like the people one reads about in books. I fancied how surprised and pleased everybody would be to see me so much improved. Time passed quickly among these agreeable thoughts, and I was quite startled to hear the bell ring for prayers. I jumped up in a great flurry and dressed as quickly as I could. Everything conspired to plague me. I could not find a clean collar or a handkerchief. It is always just so. Susan is forever poking my things into out-of-way places. When at last I went down, they were all at breakfast. I hoped you would celebrate your birthday, dear, by coming down in good season, said Mother. I do hate to be found fault with, so I fired up in an instant. If people hide my things so I can't find them, of course I have to be late, I said. And I rather think I said it very cross. For Mother sighed a little. I wish Mother wouldn't sigh. I would rather be called names out and out. The moment breakfast was over, I had to hurry off to school. Just as I was going out, Mother said, Have you your overshoes, dear? Oh, Mother, don't hinder me. I shall be late, I said. I don't need overshoes. It has snowed all night, and I think you do need them, Mother said. I don't know where they are. I hate overshoes. Do let me go, Mother, I cried. I do wish I could ever have my own way. You shall have it now, my child, Mother said, and went away. Now what was the use of her calling me my child in such a tone I should like to know? I hurried off, and just as I got to the door of the school room, it flashed into my mind that I had not said my prayers. A nice way to begin one's birthday, to be sure. Well, I had not time, and perhaps my good resolutions, please got almost as much as one of my rambling stupid prayers could. For I must own, I can't make good prayers. I can't think of anything to say. I often wonder what Mother finds to say when she is shut up by the hour together. I had a pretty good time at school. My teachers praised me, and Amelia seemed so fond of me. She brought me a present, of a purse that she had knit for me herself, and a net for my hair. Nets are just coming into the fashion. It will save a good deal of time by having this one. Instead of combing and combing and combing my old hair to get it glossy enough to suit Mother, I can just give it one twist and one squeeze, and the whole thing will be settled for the day. Amelia wrote me a dear little note with her presents. I do really believe she loves me dearly. It is so nice to have people love you. When I got home, Mother called me into her room. She looked as if she had been crying. She said I gave her a great deal of pain by my self-will and ill temper and conceit. Conceit! I screamed out. Oh, Mother, if you only knew how horrid I think I am! Mother smiled a little. Then she went on with her list till she had made me out the worst creature in the world. I burst out crying and was running off to my room, but she made me come back and hear the rest. She said my character would be essentially formed by the time I reached my twentieth year and left it to me to say if I wished to be as a woman what I was now as a girl. I felt sulky and would not answer. I was shocked to think I had got only four years in which to improve. But after all a good deal could be done in that time. Of course I don't always want to be exactly what I am now. Mother went on to say that I had in me elements of fine character if I would only conquer some of my faults. You are frank and truthful, she said, and in some things conscientious. I hope you are really a child of God and are trying to please him. And it is my daily prayer that you may become a lovely, loving, useful woman. I made no answer. I wanted to say something but my tongue wouldn't move. I was angry with mother and angry with myself. At last everything came out all in a rush, mixed up with such a flood of tears that I thought mother's heart would melt and that she would take back what she said. Amelia's mother never talked so to her, I said. She praises her and tells her what a comfort she is to her. But just as I am trying as hard as I can to be good and make resolutions and all that, you scold me and discourage me. Mother's voice was very soft and gentle as she asked. Do you call this scolding, my child? And I don't like to be called conceited, I went on. I know I am perfectly horrid and am just as unhappy as I can be. I am very sorry for you, dear, mother replied. But you must bear with me. Other people will see your faults but only your mother will have the courage to speak of them. Now go to your room and wipe away the traces of your tears that the rest of the family may not know that you have been crying on your birthday. She kissed me but I did not kiss her. I really believe Satan himself hindered me. I ran across the hall to my room and slammed the door and locked myself in. I was going to throw myself on the bed and cry till I was sick. Then I should look pale and tired and they would all pity me. I do so like to be pitied. But on the table by the window I saw a beautiful new desk in its place of the old clumsy thing that I had been spattering and spoiling for so many years. A little note full of love said that it was from mother and begged me to read and reflect upon a few verses of a tastefully bound copy of the Bible which accompanied it every day of my life. A few verses, she said, carefully read and pondered instead of a chapter or two read for mere form's sake. I looked at my desk which contained exactly what I wanted. Plenty of paper, seals, wax, pens—I always use wax, wafers, or vulgar. Then I opened the Bible at random and lighted on these words. Watch, therefore, for you know not what hour your Lord doth come. There was nothing very cheering in that. I felt a real ver- pungence to be always on the watch, thinking that I might die at any moment. I am sure I am not fit to die. Besides, I want to have a good time with nothing to worry me. I hope I shall live ever so long. Perhaps in the course of forty or fifty years I may get tired of this world and want to leave it. And I hope by that time I shall be a great deal better than I am now and fit to go to heaven. I wrote a note to mother on my new desk and thanked her for it. I told her she was the best mother in the world and that I was the worst daughter. When it was done I did not like it and so I wrote another. Then I went down to dinner and felt much better. We had such a nice dinner. Everything I liked was best on the table. Mother had not forgotten one of all the dainties I like. Amelia was there too. Mother had invited her to give me a little surprise. It is bed time now and I must save my prayers and go to bed. I have got all chilled through writing here in the cold. I believe I will save my prayers in bed just this once. I do not feel sleepy but I am sure I ought not to sit up another moment. Here I am at my desk once more. There is a fire in my room and mother is sitting by it reading. I can't see what book it is but I have no doubt it is Thomas a campus. How she can go on reading it year after year I cannot imagine. For my part I like something new. But I must go back to where I left off. That night when I stopped writing I hurried to bed as fast as I could for I felt cold and tired. I remember saying, Oh God I am ashamed to pray. And then I began to think of all the things that had happened that day and never knew another thing till the rising bell rang and found it was morning. I am sure I did not mean to go to sleep. I think now it was wrong of me to be such a coward as to try to save my prayers in bed because of the cold. While I was writing I did not once think how I felt. Well I jumped up as soon as I heard the bell but I found I had a dreadful pain in my side and a cough. Susan says I coughed all night. I remembered then that I had just such a cough and just such a pain the last time I walked in the snow without over shoes. I crept back to bed feeling about as mean as I could. Mother sent up to know why I could not come down. I had to own that I was sick. She came up directly looking so anxious and here I have been shut up ever since. Only today I am sitting up a little. Poor mother has had trouble enough with me. I know I have been cross and unreasonable and it was all my own fault that I was ill. This is the last time I will do as Mother says. January 31st How easy it is to make good resolutions and how easy it is to break them. Just as I had got so far yesterday Mother spoke for the third time about my exerting myself so much and just at that moment I fainted away and she had a great time all alone there with me. I did not realize how long I had been writing and how weak I was. I do wonder if I shall ever really learn that Mother knows more than I do. February 17th It is more than a month since I took that cold and here I still am shut up in the house. To be sure the doctor lets me go downstairs but he won't listen to a word about school. Oh dear all the girls will get ahead of me. This is Sunday and everybody has gone to church. I thought I ought to make good use of the time while they were gone. So I took up the memoir of Henry Martin and read a little in that. I am afraid I am not much like him. Then I knelt down and tried to pray but my mind was full of all sorts of things so I thought I would just wait until I was in a better frame. At noon I disputed with James about the name of an apple. He was very provoking and said he was thankful he had not got such a temper as I had. I cried and Mother approved him for teasing me saying my illness had left me nervous and irritable. James replied that it had left me where it had found me then. I cried a good while lying on the sofa then I fell asleep. I don't see that I am any better for this Sunday it has only made me feel unhappy and out of sorts. I am sure I prayed to God to make me better and why doesn't he? February 20th It has been quite a mild day for the season and the doctor said I might drive out. I enjoyed getting the air very much. I feel just as well as ever and long to get back to school. I think God has been very good to me in making me well again. I wish I loved him better but oh I am not sure that I do love him. I hate to own it to myself and to write it down here but I will. I do not love to pray and I am always eager to get it over with and out of the way so as to have leisure to enjoy myself. I mean that this is usually so. This morning I cried a good deal while I was on my knees and felt sorry for my quick temper and all my bad ways. If I always felt so perhaps praying would not be such a task. I wish I knew whether anybody exactly as bad as I am ever got to heaven at last. I have read ever so many memoirs and they were all about the people who were too good to live and so died or else went on a mission. I am not at all like any of them. March 26th I have been so busy that I have not said much to you my poor old journal you have I. Somehow I have been behaving quite nicely lately. Everything has gone on exactly to my mind. Mother has not found fault with me once and father has praised my drawings and seemed proud of me. He says he shall not tell me what my teachers said of me lest it make me vain and once or twice when he has caught me singing and frisking about the house he kissed me and called me his dear little fliberty jibbit if that's the way you spell it. When he says that I know he is very fond of me. We are all happy together when nothing goes wrong. In the long evenings we all sit round the table and listen to our work and one of us reads aloud. Mother chooses the book and takes her turn in reading. She reads beautifully. Of course the readings do not begin till lessons are all learned. As to me my lessons just take no time at all. I have only to read them over once and there they are. So I have a good teal of time to read and I devour all the poetry I can get a hold of. I would rather read Pollock's course of time than read all. April 2nd There are three of mother's friends living near us. Each have lots of little children. It is perfectly ridiculous how much those creatures are sick. They send for mother if so much as a pimple comes across one of their faces. When I have children I don't mean to have such going-ons. I shall be careful about what they eat and keep them from getting cold and they will keep well of their own accord. This is just sent for mother to see her Tommy. It was so provoking. I had coaxed her into letting me have a little black silk apron. They are all the fashion now embroidered in floss silk. I had drawn a lovely vine for mine entirely out of my own head and mother was going to arrange the pattern for me when that message came and she had to go. I don't believe anything ales that child a great chubby thing. April 3rd Poor Mrs. Jones. Her little Tommy is dead. I stayed at home from school today and had all the other children here to get them out of their mother's way. How dreadfully she must feel. Mother cried when she told me how the dear little fellow suffered in his last moments. It reminded her of one of my little brothers who died in the same way just before I was born. Dear mother, I wonder I ever forget the novel she has had and am not always sweet and loving. She has gone now, where she always goes when she feels sad straight to God. Of course she did not say so, but I know my mother. April 25th I have not been down in season once this week. I have persuaded mother to let me read some of Scott's novels and have sat up late and been sleepy in the morning. I wish I could get along with mother because he is late far oftener than I, but he never gets into such scrapes as I do. This is what happens. He comes down just when it suits him. Mother begins. James, I am very much displeased with you. James, I should think you would be, mother. Mother mollified. I don't think you deserve any breakfast. James, hypocritically, I don't think I do, mother. Then mother hurries off and gets something extra for his breakfast. Now let's see how things go on when I am late. Mother. Catherine. She always calls me Catherine when she is displeased and spells it with a K. Catherine, you are late again. How can you annoy your father so? Catherine. Of course I don't do it to annoy father or anybody else, but myself it is not my fault. Mother. I would go to bed at eight o'clock rather than be late as often as you are. How should you like it if I were not down to prayers? Catherine muttering. Of course that is very different. I don't see why I should be blamed for oversleeping any more than James. I get all the scoldings. Mother sighs and goes off. I prowl around and get what scraps of breakfast I can. May 12th. The weather is getting perfectly delicious. I am sitting with my window open and my bird is singing with all his heart. I wish I was as gay as he is. I have been thinking lately that it was about time to begin on some of those pieces of self-denial I resolved upon on my birthday. I could not think of anything great enough for a long time. At last an idea popped in my head. Half the girls at school envy me because Amelia is so fond of me and Jane Underhill in particular is just as crazy to get intimate with her. But I have kept Amelia all to myself. Today I said to her Amelia, Jane Underhill admires you above all things. I have a good mind to let you be as intimate with her as you are with me. It will be such a great piece of self-denial but I think it is my duty. She is a stranger and seems to like her much. You dear thing!" cried Amelia, kissing me. I like Jane Underhill the moment I saw her. She has such a sweet face and such pleasant manners. But you are so jealous I never dared show how I like her. Don't be vexed, dearie. If you are jealous it is your only fault. She then rushed off and I saw her kiss that girl exactly as she kisses me. This was in recess. My destined maid believed that I was studying. Pretty soon Amelia came back. She is such a sweet girl, she said, and only to think she writes poetry. Just hear this. It is a little poem addressed to me. Isn't it nice of her? I pretended not to hear her. I was as full of all sorts of horrid feelings as I could hold. It enraged me to think that Amelia, after all her professions of love to me, should snatch at the first chance of getting a new friend. Then I was mortified because I was enraged and I could have torn myself to pieces for being such a fool as to let Amelia see how silly I was. I don't know what to make of you, Katie, she said, putting her arms around me. Have I done anything to vex you? Come, let us make up and be friends. Whatever it is, I will read you these sweet verses. I am sure you will like them. She read them in her clear, pleasant voice. How can you have the vanity to read such stuff? I cried. Amelia colored a little. You have said and written much more flattering things to me, she replied. But it has turned my head and made me too ready to believe what others say. She folded the paper and put it into her pocket. We walked home together after school as usual, but neither of us spoke a word. After I sit unhappy enough, all my resolutions fail, but I did not think that Amelia would take me at my word and rush after that stuck-up smirking peace. May 20th I seem to have got back all my bad ways again. Mother is quite out of patience with me. I have not prayed for a long time. It does not do any good. May 21st It seems this under-hill thing is here for health, though she looks as well as any of us. She is an orphan and has been adopted by a rich old uncle who makes a perfect fool of her. Such dresses and finery as she wears. Last night she had Amelia there to tea without inviting me, though she knows I am her best friend. She gave her a bracelet made of her own hair. I wonder that Amelia's mother lets her accept presents from strangers. My mother would not let me. On the whole there is no one like one's own mother. Amelia has been cold and distant to me of late. But no matter what I do or say to my darling, precious mother, she is always kind and loving. She noticed how I moped about today and begged me to tell her what was the matter. I was ashamed to do that. I told her that it was a little quarrel I had with Amelia. Dear child, she said, I pity you that you have inherited my quick irritable temper. Yours, mother, I cried out. What can you mean? Mother smiled a little at my surprise. It is even so, she said. Then how did you cure yourself of it? Tell me, quick mother, and let me cure myself of mine. My dear Katie, she said, I wish I could make you see that God is just as willing and just as able to sanctify as he is to redeem us. It would save you so much weary, disappointing work. But God has opened my eyes at last. I wish he would open mine then. I said, for all I see now is that I am just as horrid as I can be and that the more I pray, the worse I grow. That is not true, dear, she replied. Go on praying. Pray without ceasing. I sat pulling my handkerchief this way and that, and at last rolled it up into a ball and threw it across the room. I wished I could toss my bad feelings into a corner with it. I do wish I could make you love to pray, my darling child, mother went on. If you only knew the strength and the light and the joy you might have for the simple asking, God attaches no conditions to his gifts. He only says, ask. This may be true, but it is hard work to pray. It tires me. And I do wish that there was some easy way of growing good. In fact, I should like to have God send me a sweet temper, just as he sent bread and meat to Elijah. I don't believe Elijah had to kneel down and pray for them. End Chapter 1 Read by Ann Marie Williams on May 3rd, 2006 by E. Prentice This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, please visit LibriVox.org Recording by Missy Guangzhou, China Stepping Having Word by E. Prentice Chapter 2 June 1st Last Sunday Doctor Cabot preached to the young. He first addressed those who knew they did not love God. It did not seem to me that I belonged to that class. Then he spoke to those who knew they did. I felt sure I was not one of those. Last of all, he spoke affectionately to those who did not know what to think. And I was frightened and ashamed to feel tears running down my cheeks when he said that he believed that most of his hearers who were in this doubtful state did really love their master. Only their love was something as new and as tender and perhaps as unobserved as the tiny point of green that, forcing its way through the earth, is yet unconscious of its own existence but promises a thrifty plant. I don't suppose I express it very well, but I know what he meant. He then invited those belonging to each class to meet him on three successes Saturday afternoons. I shall certainly go. July 19. I went to the meeting and so did Amelia. A great many young people were there and a few children. Dr. Cabot went about from seat to seat speaking to each one separately. When he came to us I expected he would say something about the way in which I had been brought up and reproached me for not profiting more by the instructions an example I had at home. Instead of that he said in a cheerful voice, Well, my dear, I cannot see into your heart and positively tell whether there is love to God there or not. But I suppose you have come here today in order to let me help you to find out. I said yes, that was all I could get out. Let me see then, he went on. Do you love your mother? I said yes, once more. But prove to me that you do. How do you know it? I tried to think. I feel that I love her. I love to love her. I like to be with her. I like to hear people praise her. And I try, sometimes at least, to do things to please her. But I don't try half as hard as I ought and I do and say a great many things to displease her. Yes, yes, he said I know. Has mother told you I cried out? No dear, no indeed. But I know what human nature is after having one of my own fifty years with her. Somehow I felt more courage after he said that. In the first place then, you feel that you love your mother. But you never feel that you love your god and savior. I often try and try, but I never do, I said. Love won't be forced, he said quickly. Then what shall I do? In the second place, you like to be with your mother. But you never like to be with the friend who loves you so much better than she does. I don't know, I never was with him. Sometimes I think that when Mary sat at his feet and heard him talk, she must have been very happy. We come to the third test then. You like to hear people praise your mother. And have you ever rejoiced to hear the lord magnified? I shook my head, sorrowfully enough. Let us then try the last test. You know that you love your mother because you try to do things to please her. That is to do what you know she wishes you to do? Very well. Have you never tried to do anything God wishes you to do? Oh yes, often. But not so often as I ought. Of course not. No one does that. But come now. Why do you try to do what you think will please him? Because it is easy? Because you like to do what he likes rather than what you like yourself? I tried to think and got puzzled. Never mind, Sir Dr. Cabot. I have come now to the point I was aiming at. You cannot prove to yourself that you love God by examining your feelings towards him. They are indefinite and they fluctuate. But just as far as you obey him, just so far, depend upon it, you love him. It is not natural to us sinful, ungrateful human beings to prefer his pleasure to our own or to follow his way instead of our own way, and nothing, nothing but love to him can or does make us obedient to him. Couldn't we obey him from fear? Amelia now asked. She had been listening all this time in silence. Yes. And so you might obey your mother from fear but only for a season. If you had no real love for her you would gradually cease to dread her displeasure. Whereas it is in the very nature of love to grow stronger and more influential every hour. You mean then that if we want to know whether we love God we must find out whether we are obeying him? Amelia asked. I mean exactly that. He that keepeth my commandments he it is that loveth me. But I cannot talk with you any longer now. There are many others still waiting. You can come to see me some day next week if you have any more questions to ask. When we got out into the street Amelia and I got hold of each other's hands. We did not speak a word till we reached the door but we knew that we were as good friends as ever. I understand all Dr. Cabot said, Amelia whispered as we separated but I felt like one in a fog. I cannot see how it is possible to love God and yet feel as stupid as I do when I think of him. Still I am determined to do one thing and that is to pray regularly instead of now and then as I have gotten pregnant lately. July 25th School has closed for this season. I took the first prize for drawing and my composition was read aloud on examination day and everybody praised it. Mother could not possibly help showing in her face that she was very much pleased. I am pleased myself. We are now getting ready to take a journey. I do not think I shall go to see Dr. Cabot again. My head is so full of other things and there is so much to do before we go. I am having four new dresses made and I can't imagine how to have them trimmed. I mean to run down to Amelia's and ask her. July 27th I was rushing through the hall just after I wrote that and met Mother. I am going to Amelia's, I said, hurrying past her. Stop one minute, dear. Dr. Cabot is downstairs. He says he has been expecting a visit from you and that as you did not come to him he has come to you. I think he is in business, I said. I think he is minding it, dear, mother answered. His master's business is his and that has brought him here. Go to him, my darling child. I am sure you crave something better than prizes and compliments and new dresses and journeys. Now, if anybody but Mother had said that my heart would have melted at once and I should have gone right down to Dr. Cabot to be molded in his hand to almost any shape. But as it was I brushed past, ran into my room and locked my door. Oh, what makes me act so? I hate myself for it and I don't want to do it. Last week I dined with Mrs. Jones. Her little Tommy was very fond of me and that I suppose makes her have me there so often. Lucy was at the table and very fractious. She cried first for one thing and then for another. At last her mother, in a gentle but very decided way, put her down from the table. Then she cried louder than ever. But when her mother offered to take her back she was very good, she screamed yet more. She wanted to come and wouldn't let herself come. I almost hated her when I saw her act so and now I'm behaving ten times worse and I'm just as miserable as I can be. July 29th Amelia has been here. She has had her talk with Dr. Cabot and is perfectly happy. She says it is so easy to be a Christian. It may be easy for her, everything is. She never has any of my dreadful feelings to understand them when I try to explain them to her. Well, if I am fated to be miserable I must try to bear it. October 3rd Summer is over. School has begun again and I am so busy that I have not much time to think to be low-spirited. We had a delightful journey and I feel well and bright and even gay. I never enjoyed my studies as I do those of this year. Everything goes on pleasantly here at home. But James has gone away to school and we miss him sadly. I wish I had a sister. Though I dare say I should quarrel with her if I had. October 23rd I am so glad that my studies are harder this year as I am never happy except when every moment is occupied. However I do not study all the time by any means. Mrs. Gorgon grows more and more fond of me and has me there to dinner or to tea continually. She has a much higher opinion of me than mother has and is always saying the sort of things that make you feel nice. She holds me up to Amelia as an example begging her to imitate me in my fidelity about my lessons and declaring there is nothing she so much desires as to have a daughter bright and original like me. Amelia only laughs and goes and purrs in her mother's ears when she hears such talk. It cost her nothing to be pleasant. She was born so. For my part I think myself lucky to have such a friend. She gets along with my odd, hateful ways better than anyone else does. Mother, when I boast of this she has no penetration into character and that she would be fond of almost anyone fond of her and that the theory with which I love her deserves some response. I really don't know what to make of mother. Most people are proud of their children when they see others admire them but she does say such pokey things. Of course I know that having a gift for music and a taste for drawing and a reputation for saying witty bright things isn't enough. But when she doesn't find fault with me and nothing happens to keep me down I am the gayest creature on earth. I do love to get with a lot of nice girls and carry on. I've got enough fun in me to keep a household merry and mother didn't say anything I inherited it from her. Evening. I knew it was coming. Mother has been in to see what I was about and to give me a bit of her mind. She says she loves to see me gay and cheerful as is natural at my age but that levity quite upsets and disorders the mind in disposing it for serious thoughts. But mother I said didn't you carry on when you were a young girl? Of course I did she said smiling but I do not think I was quite so thoughtless as you are. Thoughtless indeed. I wish I were but am I not always full of uneasy reproachful thoughts when the moment of excitement is over? Other girls who seem less trifling than I are really more so. Their heads are full of dresses and parties and bows and all that sort of nonsense. I wonder if that ever worries their mothers or whether mine is the only one who weeps in secret. Well I shall be young but once and while I am do let me have a good time. Sunday November 20th Oh the difference between this day and the day I wrote that. There are no good times in this dreadful world. I have hardly courage or strength to write down the history of the past few weeks. The day after I had deliberately made up my mind to enjoy myself cost what it might my dear father called me to him kissed me, pulled my ears a little and gave me some money. We have had to keep you rather low in funds he said laughing but I recovered this amount yesterday and as it was a little debt I had given up I can spare it to you. For girls like Pin Money I know and you may spend this just as you please. I was delighted. I wanted to take more drawing lessons but did not feel sure he could afford it. Besides I'm a little ashamed to write it down. I knew somebody had been praising me or father would not have seemed so fond of me. I wondered who it was and felt a good deal puffed up. After all I said to myself some people like me if I have got my faults. I threw my arms around his neck and kissed him though that cost me a great effort. I never liked to show what I feel but oh how thankful I am for it now. As to mother I know father never goes out without kissing her goodbye. I went out with her to take a walk at three o'clock. We had just reached the corner of Orange Street when I saw a carriage driving slowly towards us. It appeared to be full of sailors. Then I saw our friend Mr. Freeman among them. When he saw us he jumped out and came up to us. I do not know what he said. I saw mother turn pale and catch at his arm as if she were afraid of falling but she did not speak a word. Oh Mr. Freeman what is it? I cried out. Has anything happened to father? Is he hurt? Where is he? He's in the carriage he said. We are taking him home. He's had a fall. Then we went on in silence. The sailors were carrying father in as we reached the house. They laid him on the sofa. We saw his poor head. November 23rd. We tried to write the rest now. Father was alive but insensible. He had fallen down into the hold of the ship and the sailors heard him groaning there. He lived three hours after they brought him home. Mr. Freeman and all our friends were very kind but we like best to be alone. We three. Mother and James and I. Poor mother looks twenty years older but she is so patient and so concerned for us and her smile of welcome for everyone that comes in that breaks my heart to see her. November 25th. Mother spoke to me very seriously today about controlling myself more. She said she knew this was my first real sorrow and how hard it was to bear it but that she was afraid I should become insane sometime if I indulged myself in such passions of grief. And she said too that when friends came to see us full of sympathy and eager to say or do something for our comfort it was our duty to receive them with as much cheerfulness as possible. I said they none of them had anything to say that did not provoke me. It is always a trying task to visit the afflicted mother said and you make it doubly hard to your friends by putting on a gloomy forbidding air and by refusing to talk of your dear father as if you were resolved to keep your sorrow all to yourself. I can't smile when I am so unhappy I said. A good many people have been here today. Mother has seen them all though she looked ready to drop. Mrs. Bates said to me in her little weak watery voice your mother is wonderfully sustained dear. I hope you feel reconciled to God's will. Rebellion is most displeasing to him dear. I made no answer. It is very easy for people to preach. Let me see how they behave when they have their turn to lose their friends. Mrs. Morris said that this was a very mysterious dispensation but that she was happy to see that mother was meeting it with so much firmness. As for myself she went on I was quite broken down by my dear husband's death. I did not eat as much as would feed a bird for nearly a week. But some people have so much feeling then again others are so firm. Your mother is so busy talking with Mrs. March that I won't interrupt her I came prepared to suggest several things that I thought would comfort her but perhaps she has thought of them herself. I could have knocked her down firm indeed poor mother. After they had all gone I made her lie down she looked so tired and worn out. Then I could not help telling her what Mrs. Morris had said. She only smiled a little but said nothing. I wish she would ever flare up mother I said. She smiled again nothing to flare up about. Then I shall do it for you I cried to hear that namby-pamby woman who is about as capable of understanding you as an old cat talking about your being firm. You see what you get by being quiet and patient? People would like you much better if you refused to be comforted and wore a sad countenance. Dear Katie said mother it is not my first object in life to make people like me. By this time she looked so pale that I was frightened. Though she is so cheerful and things go on much as they did before I believe she has got her death blow. If she has then I hope I have got mine and yet I am not fit to die. I wish I was and I wish I could die. I have lost all interest in everything and I don't care what becomes of me. November 23rd I believe I shall go crazy unless people stop coming here with the volleys of texts that mother and me. When soldiers drop wounded on the battlefield they are taken up tenderly and carried to the rear which means I suppose out of sight and sound. Is anybody mad enough to suppose it will do them any good to hear scripture quoted sermons launched at them before their open bleeding wounds are staunched? Mother a sense in a mild way when I talk so and says Yes, yes, we are indeed lying wounded on the battlefield of life and in no condition to listen to any words we would save those of pity. But dear Katie, we must interpret or write all the well meant attempts of our friends to comfort us. They mean sympathy, however awkwardly they express it. And then she sighed with a long deep sigh that told how it all wearied her. December 14th Mother keeps saying I spend too much time in brooding over my sorrow. As for her she seems to live in heaven. Not that she has long and rosy talks about it but little words that she lets drop now and then show where her thoughts are and where she would like to be. She seems to think everybody is as eager to go there as she is. For my part I am not eager at all. I can't make myself feel that it will be nice to sit in rows all the time singing fond as I am of music. And when I say to myself of course we shall not always sit in rows singing then I fancy a multitude of shadowy, phantom-like beings in white moving to and fro in golden streets doing nothing in particular and having a dreary time without anything to look forward to. I told Mother so. She said earnestly and yet in her sweetest tenderest way, oh my darling Katie what you need is such a living personal love to Christ as she'll make the thought of being where he is so delightful as to fill your mind with that single thought. What is personal love to Christ? Oh dear dear why need my father have then snatched away from me when so many other girls have theirs spared to them. He loved me so. He indulged me so much. He was so proud of me. What have I done that I should have this dreadful thing happen to me? I shall never be as happy as I was before. Now I shall always be expecting trouble. Yes I dare say Mother will go next. Why shouldn't I brood over this sorrow? I like to brood over it. I like to think of how wretched I am. I like to have long furious bits of crying lying on my face in the bed. January 1st, 1832 People talk a great deal about the blessed effects of sorrow but I do not see any good it has done me to lose my dear father and as to Mother she was good enough before. We are going to leave our pleasant home where all of us children were born in a house in an out-of-the-way street. By selling this and renting a smaller one, Mother hopes with economy to carry James through college. And I must go to Miss Higgins's school because it is less expensive than Mr. Stone's. Miss Higgins indeed. I never could bear her. A few months ago how I should have cried and stormed at the idea of her school. But the great sorrow swallows up the little trial. I tried once more this morning that it was the first day of the year to force myself to begin to love God. I want to do it. I know I ought to do it. But I cannot. I go through the form of saying something that I try to pass off as praying every day now, but I take no pleasure in it as good people say they do and as I'm sure Mother does. Nobody could live in the house with her in doubt that. January 10th. We are in our new home now and it is quite a cozy little place. This is at home for the long vacation and we are together all the time I am out of school. We study and sing together and now and then when we forget that dear father has gone we are as full of fun as ever. If it is so nice to have a brother what must it be to have a sister? Dear old Jim, he is the very pleasantest, dearest fellow in the world. January 15th. I have come to another birthday and I'm 17. Mother has celebrated it just as usual though I know all these anniversaries which used to be so pleasant must be sad days to her now my dear father has gone. She has been cheerful and loving and entered into all my pleasures exactly as if nothing had happened. I wonder at myself that I do not enter more into her sorrows but though at times the remembrance of our loss overwhelms me my natural elasticity soon makes me rise above and forget it. And I am absorbed with these school days and after another in such quick succession that I am all the time running to keep up with them. And as long as I do that I forget that death has crossed our threshold and may do it again. But tonight I feel very sad and as if I would give almost anything to live in a world where nothing painful could happen. Somehow mother's pale face haunts and reproaches me. I believe I will go to bed and to sleep as quickly as possible and forget everything. End of chapter 2 My school days are over. I have come off with flying colours and mother is pleased at my success. I said to her today that I should now have time to draw and practice to my heart's content. You will not find your heart content with either, she said. Why mother, I cried. I thought you liked to see me happy. And so I do, she said quietly that there is something better to get out of life than you have yet found. I am sure I hope so, I returned. On the whole, I haven't got much so far. Amelia is now on such turns with Jenny Underhill that I can hardly see one without seeing the other after the way in which I have loved her. This seems rather hard. Sometimes I am angry about it and sometimes grieved. However, I find Jenny quite nice. She buys all the new books and lends them to me. I wish I liked more solid reading, but I don't. And I wish I weren't not so fond of novels, but I am. If it were not for mother I should read nothing else. And I am sure I often feel quite stirred up by a really good novel and admire and want to imitate every high-minded noble character it describes. Jenny has a miniature of her brother, Charlie in a locket, which she always wears and often shows me. According to her, he is exactly like the heroes I most admire in books. She says she knows he would like me if we should meet but that is not probable. Very few like me. Amelia says it is because I say just what I think. Wednesday, mother pointed out to me this evening two lines from a book she was reading, with a significant smile that said they described me. A frank, unchastened, generous creature, whose faults and virtues stand in bold relief. Dear me, I said, so then I have some virtues after all. And I really think I must have, for Jenny's brother who has come here for the sake of being near her seems to like me very much. Nobody ever liked me so much before, not even Amelia. But how foolish to write that down. Thursday, Jenny's brother has been here all evening. He has the most perfect manners I ever saw. I am sure that mother, who thinks so much of such things has harmed with him, but she happened to be out. Mrs Jones having sent for her to see about her baby. He gave me an account of his mother's death and how he and Jenny nursed her day and night. He has a great deal of feeling. I was going to tell him about my father's death. Sorrow seems to bring people together so. But I could not. It was a weakness that needed our tender nursing. Instead of being snatched from us in that sudden wave. Sunday, August 5th Jenny's brother has been at our church all day. He walked home with me this afternoon. Mother, after being up all night with Mrs Jones and her baby was not able to go out. Dr Cabot preaches as if we had all got to die pretty soon. Or else have something almost as bad happened to us. How can old people always try to make young people feel uncomfortable and as if things couldn't last? August 25th Jenny says her brother is perfectly fascinated with me and that I must try to like him in return. I suppose mother would say my head was turned by fortune. But it is not. I am getting quite sober and serious. It is a great thing to be to be well liked. I have seen some verses of his composition today that show that he is all heart and soul and would make any sacrifice for one he loved. I could not like a man who did not persist Perhaps mother would think I ought not to put such things into my journal. Jenny has thought of such a splendid plan. What a dear little thing she is. She and her brother are so much alike. The plan is for us three girls Jenny, Amelia and myself to form ourselves into a little class to read and to study together. She says Charlie will direct our readings and help us with our studies. It is perfectly delightful. September 1 Somehow I forgot to tell mother that Mr Underhill was to be our teacher so when it came my turn to have the class meet here she was not quite pleased. I told her she could stay and watch us and then she would see for herself that we all behaved ourselves. September 19 The class met at Amelia's tonight mother insisted on sending for me though Mr Underhill had proposed to see me home himself so he stayed after I left it was not quite the thing in him for he must see that Amelia is absolutely crazy about him. September 28 we met at Jenny's this evening Amelia had a bad headache and could not come. Jenny idled over her lessons and at last took a book and began to read. I studied a while with Mr Underhill. At last he said scribbling something on a bit of paper. Here is a sentence I hope you can translate. I took it and read these words you are the brightest prettiest most warm heart little thing in the world and I love you more than tongue can tell you must love me in the same way. I felt hot and then cold and then glad and then sorry but I pretended to laugh and said I could not translate Greek I shall have to tell mother and what will she say. September 29 this morning mother begun thus Kate I do not like these lessons of yours at your age with your judgement quite unformed it is not proper that you should spend so much time with a young man. Jenny is always there and Amelia I replied that makes no difference I wish the whole thing stopped I do not know what I have been thinking of to let it go on so long Mrs Gordon says Mrs Gordon ha I burst out Amelia was at the bottom of it Amelia is in love with him up to her very years and because he does not entirely neglect me she has put her mother up to coming here meddling and making if what you say of Amelia is true it is most ungenerous in you to tell of it but I do not believe it Amelia Gordon has too much good sense to be carried away by a handsome face and agreeable manners I began to cry he likes me I got out he likes me ever so much nobody ever was so kind to me before nobody ever said such nice things to me and I do not want such horror things said about him has it really come this said mother quite shocked oh my poor child how my selfish sorrow has made me neglect you I kept on crying is it possible she went on that with your good sense and the education you have had you are captivated by this mere boy he is not a boy I said he is a man he is 20 years old or at least he will be on the 15th of next October the child actually keeps his birthdays to cry mother oh my wicked shameful carelessness it's done now I said desperately it is too late to help it now you don't mean that he has dead to say anything without consulting me asked mother and you have allowed it oh Catherine this time my mouth shut itself up and no mortal force could open it I stopped crying and sat with folded arms mother said what she had to say and then I came to you my dear old journal yes he likes me and I like him come now let's out with it once for all he loves me and I love him you are just a little bit too late mother October 1 I never can write down all the things that have happened the very day after I wrote that mother had forbidden my going to the class Charlie came to see her and they had a regular fight together he has told me about it since then as he could not prevail his uncle wrote told her it would be the making of Charlie to be settled down on one young lady instead of hovering from flower to flower as he was doing now then Jenny came with her pretty ways and cried and told mother what a darling brother Charlie was she made a good deal too out of his having lost both father and mother and needing my affection so much mother shut herself up and I have no doubt prayed over it I really believe she prays over every new dress she buys then she sent for me and talked beautifully and I behaved abominably at last she said she would put us on one year's probation Charlie might spend one evening here every two weeks when she should always be present we were never to be seen together in public nor would she allow us to correspond if at the end of the year we were both as eager for it as we are now she would consent to our engagement of course we shall be so I consider myself as good as engage now dear me how funny it seems October 2 Charlie is not at all pleased with mother's terms but no one would guess it from his manner to her his coming is always the signal for her trotting downstairs he goes to meet her and offers her a chair as if he was delighted to see her we go on with the lessons as this gives us the chance to sit pretty close together and when I am writing my exercises and he corrects them I rather think a few little things get on to the paper that sound nicely to us but would not strive mother very agreeably for instance last night Charlie wrote is your mother never sick a nice little headache so convenient to us and I wrote back you dear old horror thing how can you be so selfish January 15 1833 I have been trying to think whether I am any happier today than I was at this time a year ago if I am not I suppose it is the tantalizing way in which I am placed in regard to Charlie I have so much to say to each other that we can't say before mother and that we cannot say in writing because a correspondence is one of the forbidden things he says he entered into no contract not to write and keeps slipping little notes into my hand but I don't think that quite right mother hears us arguing and disputing about it though she does know the subject under discussion and today she said to me I would not argue with him if I were you he never will yield but it is a case of conscience I said and he ought to yield there is no obstancy like that over she had stopped short oh you may as well finish it I cried I know you think him a fool I burst out oh my child she said before it is too late do be persuaded by me to give up this whole thing I shrink from painting or offending you but it is my duty as your mother to warn you against a marriage that will make shipwreck of your happiness marriage I fairly shrieked out that is the last thing I have ever thought of you will creep over me all I had wanted was to have Charlie come here every day take me out now and then and care for nobody else yes marriage mother repeated for what is the meaning of an engagement if marriage is not to follow how can you fail to see what I see oh so plainly that Charlie Underhill can never never meet the requirements of your soul you are captivated by what girls of your age call beauty regular features a fair complexion and soft eyes his flatteries delude and his professions of affection gratify you you do not see that he is shallow and conceited and selfish and oh mother how can you be so unjust his whole study seems to be these others seems to be that is true she replied his ruling passion is love of admiration the little pleasing acts that attract you are so many traps set to catch the attention and the favorable opinion of those about him he has not one honest desire to please because it is right to be pleasing oh my precious child what a fatal mistake you are making in relying on your own judgment in this the most important of earthly decisions I felt very angry I thought the Bible forbade backbiting I said mother made no reply except by a look which said about 140 different things and then I came up here and wrote some poetry which was very good for me though I don't suppose she would think so October one the year of probation is over and I have nothing to do now but to be happy but being engaged is not half so nice as I expected it would be I suppose it is owing to my being obliged to defy mother's judgment in order to gratify my own people say she has great insight into character and sees at a glance what others only learn after much study October 10 I have taken a dreadful cold it is too bad I dare say I shall be coughing all winter and instead of going out with Charlie be shut up at home October 12 Charlie says he did not know that I was subject to a cough and he hopes I am not consumptive because his father and mother died of consumption and it makes him nervous to hear people cough I nearly strangled myself all the evening trying not to annoy him with mine End of chapter 3 Chapter 4 Stepping Heavenwood This is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain For more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org this reading by Lucy Burgoyne Stepping Heavenwood by E. Prentice Chapter 4 November 2 I really think I am sick and going to die last night I raised a little blood I dare not tell mother it would distress her so but I am sure it came from my lungs Charlie said last week he really must stay away till I got better for my cough sounded like his mother's I had been very lonely and have shed some tears but most of the time had been too sorrowful to cry if we were married and I had a cough would he go and leave me I wonder Sunday November 18 poor mother is dreadfully anxious about me but I don't see how she can love me so after the way I have behaved I wonder if, after all mothers are not the best friends there are I keep her awake with my cough all night and am mopey and cross all day but she is just as kind and affectionate as she can be November 25 the day I wrote that was Sunday I could not go to church and I felt very forlorn and desolate I tried to get some comfort by praying but when I got on my knees I just burst out crying and could not say a word for I have not seen Charlie for ten days as I knelt there I began to think myself a perfect monster of selfishness for wanting him to spend his evenings with me now that I am so unwell and annoy him so with my cough and I ask myself if I ought not to break off the engagement all together if I was really in consumption the very disease Charlie dreaded most of all it seems such a proper sacrifice to make of myself then I prayed yes I am sure I really prayed as I had not done more than a year the idea of self sacrifice grew every moment more beautiful in my eyes till at last I felt an almost joyful triumph in writing to poor Charlie and tell him what I had resolved to do this is my letter my dear, dear Charlie I dare not tell you what it cost me to say what I am about to do but I am sure you will be well enough by this time believe that it is only because your happiness is far more precious to me than my own that I have decided to write you this letter when you first told me that you love me you said and you have often said so since then that it was my brightness and gaiety that attracted you I knew there was something underneath my gaiety that was worth your love and was glad I could give you more than you asked for I knew I was not a mere thoughtless laughing girl but that I had a heart as wide as the ocean to give you as wide and as deep but now my brightness and gaiety have gone I am sick and perhaps am going to die if this is so it would be very sweet to have your love to give me to the very gates of death and beautify and glorify my path thither but what a weary task this would be to you my poor charlie and so if you think it best and it would relieve you of any care and pain I will release you from our engagement and set you free your little gaiety I did not sleep at all that night early on Monday I sent off my letter and my heart beat so hard all day that I was tired and faint just at dark his answer came I can copy it from memory dear Kate what a generous self-sacrificing little thing you are I always thought so but now you have given me a noble proof of it I will own that I have been disappointed by your institution so poor and that it has been very dull sitting and hearing you cough especially as I was reminded of the long and tedious illness through which poor Jenny and myself had to nurse our mother I vowed then never to marry a consumptive woman and I thank you for making it so easy for me to bring our engagement to an end my bright hopes are blighted to be long before I shall find another to fill your place I need not say how much I sympathise with you in this disappointment I hope the consolations of religion will now be yours your notes the lock of your hair etc I return with this now I will not reproach you for the pain you have cost me I know it is not your fault that your health has become so frail I remain your sincere friend Charles Underhill January 1 1834 let me finish this story if I can my first impulse after reading his letter was to fly to mother and hide away forever in her dear loving arms but I restrained myself and with my heart beating so that I could hardly hold the pen I wrote Mr Underhill sir the scales have fallen from my eyes and I see you at last just as you are since my note to you on Sunday last I have had a consolation of physicians and they all agree that my disease is not of an alarming character and that I shall soon recover but I thank God that before you lay you had been revealed to me just as you are a heartless selfish shallow creature unworthy the love of a true hearted woman unworthy even of your own self-respect I gave you an opportunity to withdraw from our engagement in full faith loving you so truly that I was ready to go trembling to my grave alone if you shrunk from sustaining but I see now that I did not dream for one moment that you would take me at my word and lead me to my faith I thought I loved a man and could lean on him when strength failed me I know now that I loved a mere creature of my imagination take back your letters loathe the sight of them take back the ring and find if you can a woman who will never be sick never out of spirits and who never will die thank heaven it is not Catherine Mortimer these lines came to me in reply thank God it is not Kate Mortimer I want an angel for my wife not a vixen see you January 15 what a tempest-toss creature this birthday finds me that let me finish this wretched disgraceful story if I can before I quite lose my senses I showed my mother the letters she burst into tears and opened her arms and I ran into them as a wounded bird flies into the ark we cried together mother never said never looked I told you so all she did say was this God has heard my prayers she is reserving better things for my child dear mothers are not the only arms I have flown to but it does not seem as if God ought to take me in because I am in trouble when I would not go to him when I was happy in something else but even in the midst of my greatest felicity I had many and many a misgiving many a season when my conscience upgraded me with realfulness towards my dear mother and my whole soul yearned for something higher and better even than Charlie's love precious as it was January 26 I have shut myself up in my room today to think over things the end of it is that I am full of mortification and confusion at face if I had only had confidence I should never have get entangled in this silly engagement I see now that Charlie never could have made me happy and I know there is a good deal in my heart he never called out I wish however I had not written him when I was in passion no wonder he is thankful that he free from such a vixen but oh the provocation was terrible but my mind never to tell a human soul about this affair it will be so high minded and honourable to shield him thus from the contempt he deserves with all my faults I am glad that there is nothing mean or little about me January 27 I can't bear to write it down but I will the ink was hardly dry yesterday on the above self-lawed ocean Amelia came she had been out of town and had only just learned what had happened of course she was curious to know the whole story and I told it to her every word of it oh Kate Mortimer how high minded you are how free from all that is mean and little I could tear my hair if it would do any good Amelia defended Charlie she was thus led on to say every harsh thing of him I could think of she said he was so sensitive a nature had so much sensibility and such a constitutional aversion to seeing suffering that for her part she could not blame him it is such a pity you had not had your lungs examined before you wrote that first letter she went on if you had only waited you would be engaged to Charlie still I am thankful I did not wait I cried angrily do Amelia drop the subject forever you and I shall never agree upon it the truth is you are two thirds in love with him and have been all along she coloured and laughed and actually looked pleased if anyone had made such a courageous speech to me I should have been furious I suppose you know said she that old Mr Underhill has taken such a fancy to him that he has made him his heir and he is as rich as a Jew indeed I said dryly I wonder if mother knew it when she opposed our engagement so strenuously January 31 and she said she did Mr Underhill told her these intentions when he urged her consent to the engagement dear mother how unwirly how unselfish she is February 4 the name of Charlie Underhill appears on these pages for the last time he is engaged to Amelia from this moment she is lost to me forever how desolate, how mortified how miserable I am who could have thought this of Amelia she came to see me radiant with joy I concealed my disgust until she said that Charlie felt now that he had never really loved me but had preferred her all along then I burst out what I said I do not know and do not care the whole thing is so disgraceful to stop or stone not to resent it February 5 after yesterday's passion of grief shame and anger I feel perfectly stupid and languid oh that I was prepared for a better will and could fly to it and be at rest February 6 now that it is all over how ashamed I am of the fury I have been in and which has given Amelia such advantage over me I was beginning to believe that I was really living a feeble and fluttering but real Christian life and finding some satisfaction in it but that is all over now I am doomed to be a victim of my own unstable, passionate wayward nature and the sooner I settle down into that conviction and yet how my very soul craves the highest happiness and refuses to be comforted while that is wanting February 7 after writing that I do not know what made me go to see Dr. Cabot he received me in that cheerful way of his that seems to promise the taking one's burden right off one's back I am very glad to see you my dear child I intended to be very dignified and cold as if I was going to have any Dr. Cabot's undertaking to sympathise with me but those few kind words just upset me and I began to cry you would not speak so kindly I got out at last if you knew what a dreadful creature I am I am angry with myself and angry with everybody and angry with God I can't be good two minutes at a time I do everything I do not want to do and do nothing I try and pray to do everybody plagues me and tempts me and God does not answer any of my prayers and I am just desperate poor child he said in a low voice as if to himself poor heart sick tired child I see what I can see that its fathers loving arms are all about it I stopped crying to strain my ears and listen he went on Katie all that you say may be true I dare say it is that God loves you he loves you he loves me I repeated to myself he loves me oh Dr. Cabot if I could believe that after all the promises I have broken all the foolish wrong things I have done and shall always be doing God perhaps still loves me you may be sure of it he said solemnly I minister bring the gospel to you today go home and say over and over to yourself I am a wayward foolish child but he loves me I have disobeyed and grieved him 10,000 times but he loves me I have lost faith in some of my dearest friends and am very desolate but he loves me I do not love him I am even angry with him but he loves me I came away and all the way home I fought this battle with myself saying he loves me I knelt down to pray and all my wasted childish, wicked life came and stared me in the face I looked at it and said with tears of joy but he loves me never in my life did I feel so rested so quieted so sorrowful and yet so satisfied February 10 what a beautiful world this is and how full it is of truly kind Mrs. Morris was here this morning and just one squeeze of that long yellow old hand of hers seemed to speak a book full I wonder why I have always disliked her so for she is really an excellent woman I gave her a good kiss to pay her for the sympathy she had sensed enough not to put into counting words and if you will believe it dear old journal the tears came into her eyes and she said you are one of the Lord's beloved ones though perhaps you do not know it I repeated again to myself those sweet mysterious words and then I tried to think what I could do for him but I could not think of anything great or good enough I went into mother's room and put my arms around her and told her how I loved her she looked surprised and pleased ah, I knew it would come she said laying her hand on her Bible knew what would come mother peace she said I came back here and wrote a little note to Amelia telling her how ashamed and sorry I was that I could not control myself the other day then I wrote a long letter to James I had been very careless about writing to him then I began to him those handkerchiefs mother asked me to finish a month ago but I could not think of anything to do for God I wish I could it makes me so happy to think that all this time while I was caring for nobody but myself and fancying he must almost hate me he was loving and pitying me February 15 I went to see Dr. Cabot again today he came down from his study with his pen in his hand how dare you come and spoil my sermon on Saturday he asked good humidly though he seemed full of loving kindness I was ashamed of my thoughtlessness though I did not know he was particularly busy on Saturdays if I were a minister sure I would get my sermons done early in the week I only wanted to ask one thing I said I want to do something for God and I cannot think of anything unless it is to go on a mission and mother would never let me do that she thinks girls with delicate help are not fit for such work at all events I would not go today he replied everything you do for him who has loved you and given himself for you I did not dare to stay any longer and so came away quite puzzled dinner was ready and as I sat down to the table I said to myself I ate this dinner for myself not for God what can Dr. Cabot mean then I remembered the text about doing all for the glory of God even in eating and drinking but I do not understand it at all February 19 it has seemed to me for several days that it must be that I really do love God though ever so little but it shot through my mind today like a knife that it is a miserable selfish love at the best not worth by giving not worth God's accepting all my old misery has come back with seven other miseries more miserable than itself I wish I had never been born I wish I were thoughtless and careless like so many other girls of my age who seem to get along very well and to enjoy themselves far more than I do February 21 Dr. Cabot came to see me today I told him all about it he could not help smiling as he said when I see a little infant caressing its mother would you have me say to it you selfish child how do you pretend to caress your mother in that way you are quite unable to appreciate her character you love her merely because she loves you treat you kindly it was my turn to smile now you are a jet but a babe in Christ Dr. Cabot continued you love your God and Saviour because he first loved you the time will come when the character of your love will become changed into one which sees and feels the beauty and the perfection of its object and if you could be assured that he no longer looked on you with favour with him with devoted affection there is one thing more that troubles me I said most persons know the exact moment when they begin real Christian lives but I do not know of any such time in my history this causes me many uneasy moments you are wrong in thinking that most persons have disadvantage over you I believe that the children of parents who have been judiciously trained really can point to any day or hour when they begin to live this new life the question is not do you remember my child when you entered this world and how it is simply this are you now alive and an inhabitant thereof and now it is my turn to ask you a question what happens is that you who have a mother of rich and varied experience allow yourself to be tormented with these pretty anxieties which she is as capable of dispelling as I am I do not know I answered but we girls can't talk to our mothers about any of our sacred feelings and we hope to have them talk to us Dr. Cabbage shook his head there is something wrong somewhere he said a young girl's mother is a natural refuge in every perplexity I hope that you who have rather more sense than most girls of your age could give me some idea what the difficulty is after he had gone I am ashamed to own that I was in a perfect flutter of delight with these girls meeting poor mother on the stairs while in this exalted state of mind I gave her a very short answer to a kind question and made her unhappy as I have made myself it is just a year ago today that I got frightened at my novel reading Prosperities and resolved not to look into one for 12 months I was getting to dislike all other books and night after night sat up late devouring everything exciting I could get hold of one Saturday night I sat up till the clock struck 12 to finish one and the next morning I was so sleepy that I had to stay at home from church now I hope and believe the back of this taste is broken and that I shall never be a slave to it again it has not seemed to me now that I shall ever care for such books again February 24 mother spoke to me this morning for the 50th time I really believe about my disorderly habit I don't think I am careless because I like confusion but the trouble is I am always in a hurry and a ferment about something if I want anything I want it very much away so if I am looking for a book or a piece of music or a pattern I tumble everything around and can't stop to put them to rights I wish I were not so eager and impatient but I mean to try to keep my room and my drawers in order to please mother she says too that I am growing careless about my hair and my dress and my mind is so full of graver more important things I thought I ought to be wholly occupied with my duty to God that mother says duty to God includes duty to one's neighbour and that untidy hair put up all sorts of rough bunches rumple cuffs and collars and all that sort of thing make one offensive to all one meets I am sorry she thinks so for I think it is very convenient to twist up my hair almost anyhow and it takes a good deal of time to look after collars and cuffs March 14 today I feel discouraged and disappointed I certainly thought that if God really loved me and I really loved him I should find myself growing better day by day but I am not improved in the least most of the time I spend on my knees I am either stupid feeling nothing at all or else my head is full of what I was doing before I began to pray or what I am going to do as soon as I get through I do not believe anybody else in the world is like me in this respect then when I feel differently and can make a nice glib prayer with floods of tears running down my cheeks I get all puffed up and think how much please God must be to see me so fervent in spirit I go downstairs in this frame and begin to scold Susan for misplacing my music till all of a sudden I catch myself doing it and stop short press fallen and confound it I have so many such experiences that I feel like a baby just learning to walk who is so afraid of falling that it is half a mind to sit down once for all then there is another thing seeing mother so fond of Thomas a campus I have been reading it now and then and I'm not fond of it at all from beginning to end it exhorts to self denial in every form and shape must I then give up all hope of happiness in this world and modify all my natural tastes and desires oh, I do love so to be happy I do so hate to suffer the very thought of being sick or of being forced to nurse sick people with all their cross ways and of losing my friends or of having to live with disagreeable people makes me shut up I want to please God and to be like him I certainly do I am very young and it is so natural to want to have a good time and now I am in for it I may as well tell the whole story when I read the lives of good men and women who have died and gone to heaven I find they all like to sit and think about God and about Christ now I don't I often try but my mind flies off and I am perfectly discouraged March 17 I went to see Dr Cabot today but he was out so I thought I would ask for Mrs Cabot though I was determined not to tell her any of my troubles but somehow she got the whole story out of me and instead of being shocked as I expected she would be she actually burst out laughing she recovered herself immediately however do excuse me for laughing at you you dear child you she said but I remember so well how I used to flounder through just such needless anxieties and life looked so different so very different to me now from what it did then what should you think of a man who having just sowed his field was astonished not to see it at once it was a type for the harvest because his neighbours after long months of waiting was just being gathered in do you mean I asked that by and by I shall naturally come to feel and think as other good people do yes I do you must make the most of what little Christian life you have be thankful God has given you so much cherish it pray over it and garden like the apple of your eye imperceptibly but surely it will grow and keep on growing for this is its nature but I don't want to wait I said despondently I have just been reading a delightful book full of stories of heroic deeds not fables but histories of real events and real people it has quite stirred me up and made me wish to possess such beautiful heroism and that I were a man that I might have a chance to perform some truly noble self-sacrificing acts I dare say your chance will come she replied though you are not a man I fancy we all get more or less what we want do you really think so let me see then what I want most but I am staying too long were you particularly busy no she returned smilingly I am learning that the man who wants me is the man I want you are very good to say so well in the first place I do really and truly want to be good not with common goodness you know but but uncommon goodness she put in I mean that I want to be very I should like next best to be learned and accomplished then I should want to be perfectly well and perfectly happy and a pleasant home of course I must have with friends to love me and like me too and I can't get along without some pretty tasteful things about me but you are laughing at me have I said anything foolish if I laughed it was not a due poor human nature that would foam grass everything at once allowing that you should possess all you have just described where is the heroism you so much admire for exercise that is just what I was saying that is just what troubles me to be sure well perfectly well and happy in a pleasant home with friends to love and admire you oh I did not say admire I interrupted that was just what you meant my dear I am afraid it was now I come to think it over well with plenty of friends good in and uncommon way accomplished learned and surrounded with pretty and tasteful objects your life will certainly be in danger of not proving very sublime it is a great pity I said musingly suppose then you content yourself for the present with doing in a faithful quiet persistent way all the little homely tasks that return with each returning day each one as unto God and perhaps by and by you will thus have gained strength for a more heroic life but I don't know how you have some beauties I suppose yes I have the care of my own room and mother wants me to have a general oversight of the parlor you know we have but one parlor now is that all you have to do why my music and drawing take up a good deal of my time and I read and study more or less and go out some and we have a good many visitors I suppose then you keep my room in nice lady like order and that the parlor is dusted every morning loose music put out of the way books restored to their places now I know mother has been telling you your mother has told me nothing at all well then I said laughing but a little ashamed I don't keep my room in nice order and mother really sees to the parlor herself though I pretend to do it and is she never annoyed by this neglect oh yes very much annoyed then dear Katie suppose your first act of heroism tomorrow should be the gratifying your mother in these little things little though they are surely your first duty next to pleasing God is to please your mother and in every possible way to sweeten and beautify her life you may depend upon it that a life of real heroism and self sacrifice must begin and lay its foundation in this little world wherein it learns its first lesson and takes its first steps and do you really think that God notices such little things my dear child what a question if there is any one truth that you would gladly impress on the mind of a you Christian it is just this that God notices the most trivial act accepts the poorest most threadbare little service listens to the coldest theblest petition and gathers up with parental fondness all their fragmentary desires and attempts are good works oh if we could only begin love's us what different creatures we should be I felt inspired by her enthusiasm though I don't think I quite understand what she means I did not dare to stay any longer for with her great host of children she must have her hands full March 25 mother is very much astonished to see how nicely I am keeping things in order I am going about this morning singing and dusting the furniture when she came in and begun he that is faithful in that which is least that I ran at her my brush and would not let her finish really really don't deserve to be praised for I have been thinking that if it is true that God notices every little thing we do to please him he must also notice this word we speak every shrug of the shoulders every ungracious look and that they displease him and my list of such offenses is as long as my life March 29 yesterday for the first time since that dreadful blow I felt some return of my natural goatee and cheerfulness it seemed to come hand in hand with my first real effort to go so far out of myself as to try to do exactly what would gratify dear mother but today I am all down again I miss Amelia's friendship for one thing to be sure I wonder how I ever come to love such a superficial character so devotely that I must have somebody to love and perhaps I invented a lovely creature and called it by her name and bowed down to it and worshipped it I certainly did so in regard to him whose heart less cruelty has left me so sad so desolate evening mother has been very patient and for bearing with me all day tonight after tea she said in a gentlest tenderess way dear Katie I feel very sorry for you but I see one path which you have not yet tried which can lead you out of these sore straights you have tried living for yourself a good many years and the result is great weariness and heaviness of soul try now to live for others take a class in the Sunday school go with me to visit my poor people you will be astonished to find how much suffering and sickness there is in this world and how delightful it is with and try to relieve it this advice was very repugnant to me my time is pretty fully occupied with my books my music and my drawing and of all places in the world I hate a sick room but on the whole I will take a class in the Sunday school End of Chapter 4 Chapter 5 of Stepping Heaven Word by E. Prentice is a LibriVox recording all LibriVox recordings are in the public domain for more information or to volunteer please visit LibriVox.org recording by Missy in Guangzhou, China Stepping Heaven Word by E. Prentice Chapter 5 April 6th I have taken it at last I would not take one before because I knew I could not teach little children how to love God unless I loved him myself my class is perfectly delightful there are 12 dear little things in it of all ages between 8 and 9 11 are girls and the one boy makes me more trouble than all of them put together when I get them all about me and their sweet innocent faces look up into mine I am so happy that I can hardly help stopping every now and then to kiss them they ask the very strangest questions I mean to spend a great deal of time sharing the lesson and in hunting up stories to illustrate it I am so glad I was ever born into this beautiful world where there will always be dear little children to love April 13th Sunday has come again and with it my darling little class Dr. Cabot has preached delightfully all day and I feel that I begin to understand his preaching better and that it must do me good I long, I truly long to please God I long to feel as the best Christians feel and to live as they live April 20th now that I have these 12 little ones to instruct I am more than ever in earnest about setting them a good example through the week it is true they did not most of them know how I spend my time nor how I act but I know and whenever I am conscious of not practicing what I preach I am bitterly ashamed and grieved how much work badly done I am now having to undo if I had begun in earnest to serve God when I was as young as these children are how many wrong habits I should have avoided habits that entangle me now as in so many nets I am trying to take each of these little gentle girls by the hand and to lead her to Christ poor Johnny Ross is not so docile as they are and tries my patience to the last degree April 27th this morning I had my little flock about me and talked to them out of the very bottom of my heart about Jesus they left their seats and got close to me in a circle leaning on my lap and drinking in every word all of a sudden I was aware as by a magnetic influence that a great lumbering man in the next seat was looking at me out of two of the blackest eyes I ever saw and evidently listening to what I was saying I was disconcerted at first then angry what impertinence what rudeness I am sure he must have seen my displeasure for he got up what I suppose he meant for a blush that is he turned several shades darker than he was before giving one the idea that he is full of black rather than red blood I should not have remembered it however by it I mean his impertinence if he had not shortly after made a really excellent address to the children perhaps it was a little above their comprehension but it showed a good deal of thought and earnestness I meant to ask who he was but I forgot it this has been a delightful Sunday I have really feasted on Dr. Cabot's preaching but I am satisfied that there is something in religion I do not yet comprehend I do wish I positively knew that God had forgiven and accepted me May 6th last evening Claire Ray had a little party and I was there she has a great knack at getting the right sort of people together and of making them enjoy themselves I sang several songs and so did Claire up but they all said my voice was finer and in better training than hers it is delightful to be with cultivated agreeable people I could have stayed all night but mother sent for me before anyone else had thought of going May 7th I have been on a charming excursion today with Claire Ray and all her set I was rather tired but had an invitation to a concert this evening which I could not resist July 21st so much has been going on and I have not had time to write there is no end to the picnic strives parties etc this summer I am afraid I am not getting on at all my prayers are dull and short and full of wandering thoughts I am brim full of vivacity and good humor in company and as soon as I get home I am stupid and peevish I suppose this will always be so as it always has been and I declare I would rather be so than one such a vapid flat creature as Mary Jones or a heavy one as Big Lucy Merrill July 24th Claire Ray says the girls think me reckless and impudent in speech I have a good mind not to go with her set anymore I am afraid I have been a good deal dazzled by the attentions I have received of light and now comes this blow at my vanity on the whole I feel greatly out of sorts this evening July 28th people talk about happiness to be found in a Christian life I wonder why I do not find more on Sundays I am pretty good and always seem to start afresh but on weekdays I am drawn along with those about me all my pleasures are innocent ones there is surely no harm in going to concerts, driving out, singing making little visits but these things distract me they absorb me they make religious duties irksome I almost wish I could shut myself up in a cell and soak it out of the reach of temptation the truth is the journey heavenward is all uphill I have to force myself to keep on the wonder is that anybody gets there with so much to oppose so little to help one July 29th it is high time to stop and think I have been like one running a race and I am stopping to take breath I do not like the way in which things have been going on of late I feel restless and ill at ease I see that if I would be happy in God I must give him all and there is a wicked reluctance to do that I want him but I want to have my own way too I want to walk humbly and softly before him and I want to go where I shall be admired and applauded to whom shall I yield to God or to myself July 30th I met Dr. Cabot today and could not help asking the question is it right for me to sing and play in company when all I do it for is to be admired are you sure it is all you do it for he returned oh I said I suppose there may be a sprinkling of desire to entertain him please mixed with the love of display do you suppose that your love of display allowing you to have it would be forever slain by your merely refusing to sing in company I thought that might give it a pretty hard blow I said death blow meanwhile in punishing yourself you punish your poor innocent friends he said laughing no child go on singing God has given you this power of entertaining and gratifying your friends but pray without ceasing that you may sing from pure benevolence and not from pure self love why do people pray about such things as that I cried of course they do I looked at his little finger but saw no signs of its becoming schismatic August 3 this morning I took great delight in praying for my little scholars and went to Sunday school as on wings but on reaching my seat what was my horror to find Maria Perry there oh your seat has changed said she I am to have half your class and I like this seat better than those higher up I suppose you don't care but I do care I returned and you have taken my very best children the very sweetest and the very prettiest I shall speak to Mr. Williams about it directly at any rate I would not fly into such a fury she said it is just as pleasant to me to have pretty children to teach as it is to you Mr. Williams said he had no doubt you would be glad to divide your class with me as it is so large and I doubt if you gain anything by speaking to him there was no time for further discussion as school was about to begin I went to my new seat with great disgust and found it very inconvenient the children could not cluster around me as they did before and I got on with the lesson very badly I'm sure Maria Perry has no gift at teaching little children and I feel quite vexed and disappointed this has not been a profitable Sunday and I am now going to bed cheerless and uneasy August 9 Mr. Williams called this evening to say old seat and all the children again all the mothers had been to see him or had written him notes about it and requested that I continue to teach them Mr. Williams said he hoped I would go on teaching for twenty years and that as fast as his little girls grew old enough to come to Sunday school he should want me to take charge of them I should have been greatly elated by these compliments but for the display I made of myself to Maria Perry on Sunday oh that I could learn to bridle my unlucky tongue January 15th 1835 today I am twenty that sounds very old yet I feel pretty much as I did before I've begun to visit some of mother's poor folks with her and I'm astonished to see how they love her how plainly they let her talk to them as a general rule I do not think poor people are very interesting and they are always ungrateful we went first to see old Jacob Stone I've been there a good many times with the baskets of nice things mother takes such comfort in sending him but never would go in I was shocked to see how worn away he was he seemed in great distress of mind and begged mother to pray with him I did not see how she could I am perfectly sure that no earthly power could ever induce me to go round praying on bare floors with people sitting rocking and staring all the time as the two stone girls stared at mother how tenderly she prayed for him we then went to Susan Green she had made a carpet for her room by sewing together little bits of pieces given her, I suppose, by persons for whom she works for she goes about fitting and making carpets it looked bright and cheerful she had a nice bed in the corner covered with a white quilt and some little ornaments were arranged about the room mother complimented her on her neatness and said a queen might sleep in such a bed as that and hoped she found it as comfortable as it looked Marcy on us she cried out it ain't just sleepin' I sleep up in the night I sleep up in the night I sleepin' I sleep up in the loft that I climb to by a ladder every night mother looked a little amused and then she sat and listened patiently to a long account of how the poor old thing had invested her money how Mr. Jones did not pay the interest regularly and how Mr. Stephens haggled about the percentage after we came away I asked mother how she could listen to such a rigmarole in patience and what good she suppose she had done by her visit what her creature likes to show off her bright carpet and nice bed her chairs, her vases, and her knick-knacks and she likes to talk about her beloved money and her bank stock I may not have done her any good but I've given her a pleasure and so have you I hardly spoke a word yes, but your mere presence gratified her and if she ever gets into trouble she will feel kindly towards us for the sake of our sympathy with her pleasures and will let us sympathize with her sorrows I confess this did not seem a privilege to be coveted she is not nice at all and takes snuff we went next to see Bridget's Shannon mother had lost sight of her for some years and had just heard that she was sick and in great want we found her in bed there was no furniture in the room and three little half-naked children sat with their bare feet in some ashes where there had been a little fire three such disconsolate faces I never saw mother sent me to the nearest baker's for bread I ran nearly all the way and I hardly know which I enjoyed most mother's eagerness in distributing or the children's in clutching at and devouring it I'm going to cut up one or two old dresses to make the poor things something to cover them one of them has lovely hair that would curl beautifully if it were only brushed out I told her to come see me tomorrow she is so very pretty those few visits used up the very time I usually spend in drawing but on the whole I'm glad I went with mother because it has gratified her besides one must either stop reading the Bible altogether or else leave off spending one's whole time and just doing easy pleasant things one likes to do January 20th the little Shannon girl came and I washed her face and hands brushed out her hair and made it curl in lovely golden ringlets all round her sweet face and carried her in great triumph to mother look at the dear little thing mother I cried doesn't she look like a line of poetry you foolish romantic child quote mother she looks to me like a very ordinary line of prose a slice of bread and butter and a piece of gingerbread mean more to her than these elaborate ringlets possibly can they get in her eyes and make her neck cold see they're dripping with water and the child is all in a shiver so saying mother folded a towel around its neck to catch the falling drops and went for bread and butter of which the child consumed a quantity that was absolutely appalling to crown all the ungrateful little thing would not so much as look at me from that moment but clung to mother turning its back upon me in supreme contempt moral mothers occasionally know more than their daughters do end of chapter 5