 Today on The Anxious Truth, we're going to look at the difference between success and recovery and the struggle and recovery Because they're not as different as you might think we're gonna get a little nerdy with some brain stuff that I think you're gonna like because I know I do so let's get going Hello everybody, welcome back to The Anxious Truth. This is episode number 197 recorded February of 2022 if you are new to the podcast I am Drulan Salata creator and host of The Anxious Truth This is the podcast that covers all things anxiety and anxiety recovery So if you are struggling with things like panic attacks or agoraphobia, you're afraid to leave your house OCD, social anxiety, health anxiety, this is the place for you I'm glad that you are here and of course if you are a returning listener or viewer on YouTube Welcome YouTube, then I'm certainly glad you're here. Welcome back And thanks for taking the time to hang out with me for another week. Today We're gonna talk about some of the differences or one possible difference between Success and recovery and the times when we struggle in recovery because believe it or not Success and struggle look very similar for a lot of people not everybody for a lot of people And we're gonna talk about one possible reason for that What what's the demarcation line between succeeding and struggling? So we're gonna look at that But before we do I will take a minute or two here to remind you That the anxious truth is more than just this podcast episode So if you are new here and this is your first listen again Welcome, but go to the anxious truth calm Well, you will find the three books that I have written an anxiety and anxiety recovery that everybody seems to really be Getting a lot of use out of I'm really proud of those books and they seem really helpful So go check those out at the anxious truth calm if you do not know of my books And also you'll find all of my social media links There's just a ton of free information that I put out all the time on the different social channels So go check that out especially the anxious morning Which is a free email newsletter that shows up in your mailbox every morning when you wake up unless you're down under and then Wait in case you're gonna get in the afternoon But it's a little three to five hundred word email that shows up every Wednesday Monday through Friday with a little three to five Minute podcast attached to it and that is the favorite thing that I do right now It is the best work I've ever Created I think in this space and everybody that's reading the emails and listening to that little mini podcast seems to really love It so go check that out That's a hundred percent free you can find that at the anxious morning calm or the anxious morning dot email either way So go check it all out avail yourself of all the resources because this is why I do this I want to try and help So let's talk about the difference between Success in recovery and the times when we kind of struggle in recovery Because believe it or not for many people not everybody so this isn't going to apply to everybody But for many people if you look at what it looks like it looks very similar So succeeding and struggling looks from the outside in like two very similar things hear me out Somebody who is making progress we would say maybe succeeding in recovery there or they're progressing down the road Toward they want where they want to be they work in the process and they're working at heart So we talk about this all the time. This is difficult work. This is scary work. We're intentionally doing hard things We always acknowledge that none of this is a walk in the park ever This is difficult work. So there's people that are succeeding or getting further down the road They are out there doing the work. They're doing it consistently. They're doing it tenaciously They're doing it in chromatically and systematically and they have a plan and they executed to doing all that stuff And and they're making some progress and that's great And if you're one of those people I'm applauding you and I'm rooting for you keep going down the road man You can do it Other people that are maybe struggling with recovery might look very similar, right? So I'm doing and then this is the thing we hear all the time in the community. I don't avoid anything I'm doing all the things I do all the things but yet nothing is changing. I feel like I'm not getting any better What's the matter? What's going on? And it's true if you look at that person They would look very similar to the person who is saying that they're progressing or succeeding in their recovery Their activities look very similar. They get up. They go to work. They go to school. They take care of their families They're there it looks like they're living life and the struggling person will say I am doing all the things true Like why is it not getting better? Here's one possible reason why so let's get a little nerdy with some brain stuff because I'm a huge fan of the brain It's amazing So there's a part of your brain called the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex and the we're not going to get so technical on here But the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex is generally associated with kind of filtering So it's sort of the importance and attention filter if you will The dorsolateral prefrontal cortex, and I'm not going to say that anymore because that's a mouthful and I'm gonna screw it up But that part of your brain is responsible for filtering generally speaking and deciding where your attention is going to go Like I'm gonna let this in but I'm not gonna let that in I'm gonna filter this app But not that so it's kind of in really layman's terms Starting to become pretty acknowledged as it's sort of like a filter it decides what is important or not what it decides for us What we're gonna think about what we're gonna consider we make our decisions It's sort of like the gatekeeper to the brain or the gatekeeper to your cognition might be a little bit more accurate I don't know. It's a pretty fascinating to me I don't claim to be an expert But some of the research and the studies that are being done in this area are pretty pretty cool And I got this kind of took this out of some studies that are happening Believe it or not in the business world like what's the difference between the entrepreneur that? Successfully bills that big business and goes public and cashes out and everybody thinks that's great and the entrepreneur that fails You know or the company that fails. What's the difference? Well, they look the same, right? So in business that person has to work hard. They are dedicated to their idea They don't take no for an answer. They keep going. They're tenacious They get other people to follow along with them and they succeed But guess what giant epic business failures have the same characteristics in terms of operationally Generally speaking committed to the idea work really hard won't take no for an answer keep pretty persevere They won't be they won't be denied they get people to work with them But they fail at an epic scale sometimes at a huge spectacular flame at explosive gun a scale or those failures So the behaviors are the same. What's the difference? Well, sometimes the difference is the information that's allowed into the decision-making process as we go So if we if we talk about that in terms of recovery and the role of that that brain filter the gatekeeper If you will the door so lateral prefrontal cortex somebody should write a song about that because it just sounds so melodic Could be part of this and in recovery. I think the difference is the the person who is Achieving what they would say would be success and this is very subjective, of course We're gonna define that slightly differently But the person who says hey, this is working. I'm starting to get better I'm seeing improvement. I'm loving it and they keep going that person is allowing Information in to their cognitive mechanism the machine up here That's a little bit different than the struggling person That person is willing to take the lesson that say the exposures the challenges the hard scary things are Providing and I've talked about this before I've done a whole podcast episodes on this refusing to learn the lessons of recovery and You know the the story that you tell yourself after your exposures and your challenges Which I wrote about in the anxious truth very extensively like these are the critical parts and when people say to me I'm doing all the things, but it's not really working. What's the matter? We will often look at yes, but tell me what the experience is after you do the things or during the things What what is your experience look like? That's where you start to find the difference because the person who's progressing down the path to recovery Will say things like well it was this is really hard and I'm really scared right now, but I but I know why I'm doing this Paraphrasing I know I'm doing this and my job is to allow this all to happen so I can move through it Whereas the person who is struggling recovery is doing the same exact activity Sometimes the exact same activity the supermarket the mailbox going you know driving on the highway We're all familiar with these common life activities the struggling person is doing those same activities except Their cognition is based more on it feels like I think I'm going to this is super scary This is hell. This is really hard now. We can never fully share another person's experience I can't be in your head. You can't be in mind. So I can't really tell exactly what you're experiencing. That's true But if you take two people in a very similar context one is progressing one is feels like they're stuck in struggling What's the difference that seems to be the difference and that might be a dorsolateral prefrontal cortex filter function Like what what am I going to let in what is my filter? What is the gate tuned to let in or not let it? Now if all you're going to do if your filter is tuned right now to say I'm going to drop all of the good stuff on the floor, which is nothing bad actually happened to me I was in fact capable. I did handle it. I did cope because these are the common struggle statements It feels like I can't handle it. I don't know how I'm going to cope. I'm worried that I'm never going to get better So the reality of the situation is and I post about this on a social media all the time You always have handled it. You always have coped you always have been okay You always have gotten through but the filter the gatekeeper in your brain like a cognitive gatekeeper is Deciding no, no, I'm not going to care about that information The only information I'm going to let in is the information that says this is scary. This is hell. This is too difficult It's too much. I'm going to snap it feels like it feels like it feels like so there's definitely a difference in What information is going into the machine here to process that experience during and after say the exposure or the challenge? Whereas the person who's progressing recovery is going to say yes I do acknowledge it's really scary and I have all these thoughts and everything But I have they're going to let the filter is going to let reality come through and get factored into that So that the story that they tell after the exposure is that was really hard. That was really scary But I did it, you know, I did it. I'm okay. And what did I learn from this? It's not always that smooth It's not always that easy. Let's be very clear about that Everybody stumbles everybody struggles everybody falls back to old habits sometimes so don't you know I'm not trying to describe like oh as soon as you change your filter. Everything just goes great It's a struggle for everybody. It's up and down. It's not linear We know all that but the difference seems to be at least when you talk about it in these terms that The person who is progressing is allowing reality to get through the brain filter if you will and become part of that inner Discussion that that creates what the experience is after how are you going to tell the story afterwards? How are you going to what experience are you going to take out of that that situation out of that challenge out of that? You know exposure whatever it happens to be well I thought if your brain is tuned right now to do nothing But it's gonna filter out reality and only let in the bad stuff and the oh my god It felt like stuff then yeah, it's really hard to progress and you wind up in a situation where you say well I think I'm doing it. I'm accepting. I'm not avoiding. I'm doing things I'm I'm floating however way you want to describe it to me yet. I'm not getting better Look at that like well, where is my attention all the time? And this is not a thing we can necessarily you're not choosing to do that by the way This is not what am I paying attention to but that filter exists for all of us What we decide is worthy of getting into going into the math You know, so if you look at all of your if you look at cognition as math Which it's not I'm using an example here But and you're solving life math and you're doing your equations to come to your conclusions and form your perception of your experiences Then that filter that we talked about doors to lateral prefrontal cortex Just I'm getting good at saying that is is really kind of involved in deciding well Which variables am I going to plug into this equation to solve this math to come up with some conclusion from this experience? And for people who are struggling the only variables that get let in through the filter are the negative ones How bad it felt what they thought was going to happen how uncomfortable they were there's the only variables that go into the math So they have they have the same experience physically as the the recovering person of the person who's advancing down the road Yet their math in their head that equation gets solved very differently based on a different set of variables to get plugged in And you get two completely different outcomes. That was really scary But I did it and I'm okay, and oh my god. This is amazing. I learned something I can't wait to do it tomorrow again is is for you know One person's response and the other person's response is it felt like it was going to pass out I have to hang on to the shopping cart. I had to call my husband. I had to drive home. This is terrible. It's awful I can't get it. I'm never going to get better same exact experience two very different descriptions And we might argue we might just throwing this out here. This is stuff for us to think about We might argue that that was based on the different variables that got plugged into the equation What is your filter look like? You know what what is your filter look like and in the end? I think you find people who begin to say well, okay, I'm gonna sort of embrace this process I'm gonna do this stuff that you talk about I got it I'm on board you avail yourself of all the psycho education now I know what I have to do even though don't want to at some point that filter does change now Let's let's throw some stuff against the wall here. This is not therapy. This is not medical advice I cannot I'm not giving you like bona fide Neuroscience here that you should hang your hat on and say Drew said this is exactly what happens But let's throw some stuff out and talk about a few things my friend Bridget Cooper. You've seen her on the podcast doctor Dr. B. She likes to use Different operators like Boolean operators in her statements when she coaches people and she helps people in her writing And she's brilliant. I love dr. B. She likes to use and but Right, so those are powerful words. Yes and But these are good good words now I I am not a fan of but because but is usually used in the negative But if you find that your filter right now is set to only Plug in the negative variables to your your life math if you will then one tool that you might use stolen right out of dr. B You can find her a dr. Bridget Cooper.com is using the words and But so look at these two examples the person who is succeeding in their recovery might say or moving down the road I might give you this or let's let's talk about the struggling person first the struggling person will say That was terrible. It felt like I was going to die. That was hell Those are three really powerful statements that would absolutely not make you want to do that again And when and would tell somebody listening that like oh, you're not getting better at all But somebody who is maybe working on tuning their filter a little different and allowing reality to factor in might say that was terrible And I was terrified, but nothing happened And I was okay. So one of the things that I'm really fond of saying is always finish the statement So the person who was allowing reality in through the filter in their brain and allowing reality to become part of Part of the experience will always finish the statement. I was really scared But I did it anyway and nothing happened to me that is Tremendously powerful where the person who's still struggling might be having the same physical experiences But we'll end the statement after the first part of the sentence That was really terrible. I was terrified and they end the statement. They don't finish it So use and and but to your advantage there. Well, what can I tack to the end of that statement? Oh and I was okay But nothing happened to me Those can be really useful and that starts to at least acknowledge. Oh, I'm filtering out all the good stuff here How can I actively bring the good stuff back in here? I could do it by using those kind of statements All right, so this is not anything earth-shattering. I believe it's just another way to frame it in some instances Another way to approach it But if you find that yeah, I get it drew like I'm focused on the negative But what do I do? How can I not be negative because it feels so bad? Well, try that try finishing the statement So instead of that was awful It felt like I was going to pass out and being stuck there and stopping and then throwing your hands up and saying well It's just too much for me. I can't I can't possibly forget that part Well, I'm not telling you to forget the negative part You can't forget it if you want to do but you can open up that filter a little bit in your brain And allow the reality to seep in by finishing the statement with things like and and but that was terrible I was terrified. I thought that I was going to die But nothing happened and I was okay or and I am okay now and I did it But I learned that I was wrong again. My brain was wrong again Finish the statement that is a way to maybe to begin to tune that filter a little bit differently So if you are in the struggle camp right now and you don't understand why you're doing all the things But nothing is changing consider that you may have a filter that's tuned to only allow the negative into the into your Processing process the processing machinery in your head like gross over simplification But this might help you if you think of it that way Oh wait My filter is tuned very finely right now to drop all of the positive and only allow the negative in what can I do? Oh, let me go out and grab the positive by using words like and and but and I wound up okay But nothing actually happened try it it could be a big difference it may start to help you shift that a little bit and trust me in the beginning you're not really believing it so much I know you're not but that's okay. The belief comes after we do it So there you go That's the difference between or one possible difference between why some people may be moving forward sometimes in recovery While other people may be doing the exact same things yet feel like they are struggling Right remember your friend the dorsolateral prefrontal cortex remember that it filters your experience and decides what to let in To your equations and not and if you find that all my equations are always based on negative variables What can I do? Let me add words like and or but thank you dr. B Like how can I finish the statements and in that case you're reaching out from behind the filter? Grabbing a big dose of reality and dragging it in and plugging it into the math So it's a little bit more of an active process try it. You never know that might change things for you So I love this sort of stuff and we will talk about it some more I'm sure we will down the road But I just want to say dorsolateral prefrontal cortex more and more and more because I thought I didn't want to say but now I want to say it all the time a little bit obsessed anyway guys, and that's the episode that is episode 197 I hope it's been helpful. You know it's over because the music which is afterglow by Ben Drake Ben actually wrote this song Inspired by a very early episode of the podcast and some of the things that I've written and said and he's kind Enough to let me use this as the intro and outro music you can find Ben and all of his work at bendrake music commies a good dude Tell him that I said hello What else do I tell you at the end? 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See you guys next week I don't know what I'm gonna say, but I will be here and remember this is the way No looking back at wedding on the past, you know, you'll never get another chance So go and live your life