 Section 29 of Sketches of the Fair Sex in All Parts of the World. Socrates, being asked whether it were better for a man to marry, or to remain single, replied, Let him do either, he will repent of it. The philosopher spoke like an oracle, leaving the world as much in the dark as to his views of the comparative advantages of matrimony and celibacy as they could have been before. But a vast majority of men have chosen, since they must repent of one or the other, to repent of marrying, deeming perhaps that this repentance is the repentance which needeth not to be repented of. We shall conclude our little treatise on the sex, with a few remarks on the subject of, we were about to say, happiness, but as we are content that every married man and woman should judge for themselves as to the happiness of the married state, we will simply style it an essay on matrimony. No event is more important, and none is conducted on many occasions with less prudence than marriage. Patience has allowed the passions to exercise a powerful influence in this matter, otherwise the cares and anxieties with which it is attended would deter most persons from launching their bark of earthly happiness on the great ocean of matrimony. But too frequently the passions are the only guide, and these stimulate to bewilder. They exhibit pleasing and attractive imagery, and then the possession destroys the bliss. Love is a pleasing but exciting passion. The eyes delighted by form, manners, and the expression of the features, the ears by musical language, and the imagination paints future joys, all of which contribute to one great principle, that of receiving happiness from those we love, and evincing love for those from whom we derive our happiness. As the crystal streams are absorbed by the sun, and distributed as brilliant clouds in their heavens, and then fall and run in their accustomed channels, and thus the rivers supply the clouds and the vapours the rivers, so is the interchange between love and happiness. This will agree with the opinion that love may be occasioned suddenly, because enjoyment is expected, or it may arise gradually, because the unattractiveness which first existed may be succeeded by attraction. There was no appointment by nature of particular persons for each other, but we may expect among a great variety of occurrences to meet with some singular and astonishing coincidences. Human beings appear to be left in this respect as in many others to their own judgement. If they act discreetly, they enjoy the comfort of it, but if otherwise they bring upon themselves a disadvantage. The happiness arising from an union depends chiefly on the character of the persons who are concerned in it. If men and women were as consistent and virtuous as they should be, the cannubial bond would be soft and pleasant. But as these effects do not always arise, where is the fault? Which is better or more worthy, the male or the female sex? This is rather a difficult question, and let the palm of superior merit be awarded to either the imputation of prejudice would be connected with the decision. But fortunately there is little difference. One varies from the other in particular qualities, but if the aggregate of merit be taken in each, the amount will not differ much. Education forms the principal variation. Men are instructed in the more active and laborious employments, women in the more sedentary and domestic. Dr. Southy says that if women are not formed of finer clay, there has been more of the dew of heaven to temper it. Richard Fleck know a contemporary with Dryden observes of the female sex. I have always been conversant with the best and worthiest in all places where I came. And among the rest with ladies, in whose conversation, as in an academy of virtue, I learned nothing but goodness and saw nothing but nobleness. It must be granted that women in general possess more of the sweetness and softness of human nature, while men are endowed with more vigorous virtues. Women are gifted with more fortitude and men with more valour. Jeremy Taylor says, marriage has in it the labour of love and the delicacies of friendship, the blessings of society and the union of hands and hearts. Cooper has also alluded to the advantages of a matrimonial settlement. Oh, friendly to the best pursuits of man, friendly to thought, to virtue and to peace, domestic life in rural pleasure past. Marriage is frequently an union of interest. The happiness of one is made a source of enjoyment to the other. It is for life because it is most agreeable with the inclination of mankind that friendship, esteem and love should be permanent. In this instance, a continuance of the union constitutes no small part of the bliss. The expectation of a durable connection makes men careful, otherwise they would marry and unmarry every week. There is, by the arrangement of the Almighty, a comparative power or influence vested in the man, because agreeably with all good government, some are and must be greater than the rest. But then, as Dr Beattie observes, the superiority vested by law in the man is compensated to the woman by that superior complacence which is paid them by every man who aspires to elegance of manners. And besides this, the husband has frequently the nominal, while the wife has the actual power. Like as the helm doth rule the ship, so she regulates all the household affairs. This is proper when the husband allows it, and he ought to do so when his wife is capable of managing these things. But when the inclinations of his eve run perversely, when he is conscious that he has reason on his side and she only folly, and yet he is vacillating and yielding, he is unmanly and inconsistent, he sacrifices future happiness to present peace. Every woman, it must be granted, is not a sensible one, and there is nothing, as Lord Burley observed to his son, more fulsome than a she-fool. If Socrates had properly controlled his antipy before her disorder had increased beyond cure, it would have contributed to her happiness and his own. Prince Eugene observed on one occasion, rather satirically, that love was a mere amusement and calculated for nothing more than to enlarge the influence of the woman and abridge the power of the man. Goldsmith's hermit said to his lovely visitor, and love is still an emptier sound, the modern fair one's jest. On earth unseen are only found to warm the turtle's nest. But love is an actual, a powerful, and a beneficial principle if it be properly regulated. Among married persons there ought to be as much love as would induce either to yield in trifling matters, and there ought to be as much reason as would enable both to act correctly. Matrimony should be something like the union of the ivy and the oak. The latter is firm and capable of supporting its more tender companion. The ivy, however, must follow in some measure the humours and windings of the oak. But they grow together, and the longer they continue, the more closely they are united. There have been many instances of great attachment. Portia, the wife of Brutus, when she heard of her husband's death, swallowed burning coals that she might go with him. Alsest, wife of Admitus, king of Thessaly, sacrificed herself for the safety of her husband. This monarch was ill, and when the oracle was consulted, it was declared that he would not recover except some friend would die for him. And as no one else would do it, the wife heroically drank a cup of poison. Paulina, the wife of Seneca in his old age, was young, beautiful, and accomplished, and she was so much attached to her husband, that when the veins of Seneca were opened by the command of Nero, she caused her own to be cut that she might also bleed to death. When Conrad III had taken the town of Vinsberg in Bavaria, he allowed only the women to go out, but they had leave to carry with them as much as they pleased. They loaded themselves, therefore, with their husbands and children, and brought them all out on their shoulders. When love is genuine, when professions are sincere, and the practice agreeable therewith, when health is enjoyed and as many comforts as are necessary for this life, when children grow up in vigor, good behaviour, and mental improvement, when old age is solaced by the company of each other, and the kind attention of daughters and sons, then matrimony is a cause of happiness. But if all these enjoyments were the lot of every married person, men would become too much contented with the present life, and they would scarcely think, as they sail on smoothly, of the haven for which they abound. Besides, the fascinations of domestic life would attract them from many duties which they owe to their fellow creatures. There are then many disadvantages connected with matrimony. There is so much ignorance, perverseness, undue inclination for power, disposition to contradict, anger, jealousy, hatred and versatility among human beings, that many unpleasant occurrences will necessarily arise, and especially in the marriage state, because here most of these feelings are brought into action, and are most sensibly felt by those who are subject to their influence. He that paints the experience of human life in brilliant colours only gives a flattering and deceptive representation. He may just as well pretend that the heavens are always cloudless. People soon discover that there are sorrows in the world as well as joys, unpleasant as well as pleasant events. Hence arises the advantage of examining, of pointing out and endeavouring to avoid the ills which flesh is heir to. The perpetuity of marriage under pleasing circumstances is its most lovely character, but the same peculiarity under a different aspect is its principal source of misery. It is too frequently a state of bondage which thousands once fast chained to quit no more. But what exists and cannot be removed should always be born as patiently as possible, and thus we may keep a cheerful heart when another less prudent would be gloomy. Besides an ill temper makes every condition of life unhappy, a cheerful disposition will throw a gleam of sunshine over the scenery of a November day. Some people very foolishly make themselves uneasy because they are bound. Sir Jonah Barrington seems to think it a natural propensity. He says, The moment any two animals, however fond before, are fastened together by a chain they cannot break, they begin to quarrel without any apparent reason, and peck each other solely because they cannot get loose again. But it must be remembered that people enter into marriage with a knowledge of the permanency of the union, and perhaps they seldom repent except they had been deceived, and this we may hope would not occur frequently. After the Romans had introduced a law of divorce, no respectable person for the space of forty years availed himself of it. Divorcement was much practised among the Jews and was productive of great evil. One of the Jewish doctors asserted that if a man beheld a woman who was handsomer than his wife, he might put away his wife and marry her, and thus all the wives in Judea except the handsomest might have been divorced. Josephus observes on one occasion very coolly, About this time I put away my wife, who had borne me three children, not being pleased with her manners. One cause of unhappiness in a married state is too little affection, and in other instances although affection may be possessed it is not shown. Mortaske observes that women commonly reserve their love for their husbands until their husbands are dead. Sometimes a mortal hatred springs up which induces a man like Henry VIII to cause the murder of those whom he has sworn to love and preserve, or a woman like Livia to poison her husband. Not only is a great dissimilarity of rank and condition a cause of dislike, but a great variation in age is frequently the cause of distrust and unhappiness. The proportion which Aristotle suggests, a man of 37 to a woman of 18, may be appropriate in one respect, but it is objectionable in others. The life of the female is just as long as that of the male, and the union of middle age and youth, where the one is twice as old as the other, will not always allow a uniformity of feelings and disposition. The case of Seneca to which we have eluded, and that of Sir Matthew Hale are exceptions. Youth is generally gay, thoughtless and frivolous, but life in more advanced periods is sober, thoughtful and dignified. A husband should not be deemed a teacher or guardian for the wife so much as a companion, and the wife should not be considered as guardian for the husband. There ought to be a mutual sympathy, and in most respects, an equality of influence. An Essay on Matrimony, Part 2 Jealousy is a passion which allows the hapless possessor to enjoy neither rest nor confidence. It is frequently the companion of love. Shakespeare says, for where love reigns, disturbing jealousy doth call himself affections sentinel. When his principle obtains possession of the breast, it destroys the health and spirits, the streams which gladden the heart, become corrupted, and productive of rage and melancholy. Jealousy is like the snake which insidiously entwines itself around its victim, or like the Bohun Upas of Java, which defuses death. The bright beams of hope, which cheered the possessor, and carried his vision to distant days and distant scenes of enjoyment, are all eclipsed by this pillar of darkness. Molière the poet was endowed with an eminent genius. He was esteemed as the first wit in Europe. But his wife was faithless, and no enjoyment or success or honour could tranquilise his mind and make him happy. The attractions of youth and beauty will sometimes excite an illicit passion. But the indulgence of this feeling is the path to anxiety and degradation. The female may be less faulty, but she will be the greater sufferer, for with regard to her lawful companion, confidence is changed to timidity, love to hypocrisy, and a continual fear torments her, lest accident or malice should discover her imprudence. How dearly is the pleasure of a moment procured when it is purchased by years of unhappiness. On the other hand, it is extremely unreasonable for some persons to indulge as they do their natural disposition of suspicion, and thus make others unhappy. Where virtue only exists, it is a most grievous hardship that the possessor should be subject to the penalty of vice. Nothing should be made with more caution than a decision in which the innocent may receive the odium which belongs to the guilty. Sometimes the worst sort of accomplishments are brought by a lady into the marriage state. She may be capable of singing admirably, of dancing, of painting, of performing skillfully on the harp or piano, of making ingenious trinkets and ornaments. All this may be well enough for an unmarried lady, but of what use are they in a state of matrimony? It is true that if she be favoured with a handsome fortune, she may indulge herself agreeably with her inclination and employ others to manage her household affairs, but not many are thus situated. And even in this case there are duties which belong to the wife in regard to husband and children, which would occupy pretty much of her time. It is still worse if she be fond of dissipation, of routes, balls and public amusements, if she fly abroad in pursuit of a phantom while domestic enjoyment is neglected. A good wife will endeavour to make herself happy at home, and she will try to make all at home happy. She should endeavour to make the pathway of life cheerful by her smiles and attention, so that her husband may be delighted with his dwelling and find it his happiest place, so that the children may be regulated with all necessary care. A good temper is essential for matrimonial happiness, and habitually irritable or gloomy disposition is a source of misery to the possessor and to others. A dark and murky cave could as well throw out a cheerful luster as a surly person communicate happiness to those around him. Obstinacy must not be indulged by either party. Or as the bond of union cannot be easily broken, if one be perverse the other must bend. If two trees be bound tightly together and both be stiff, the cords will probably break. If not immediately they will when the cords become weaker, and thus with regard to matrimony, what God has joined together, the perversity of human beings will put asunder. Obstinacy in trifling matters in the marriage state is an evidence of little love and a bad heart. But if trifling matters appear important, and the gaining of every point be as the taking of a citadel, the person is wrong in his judgment. He is insane or partially so. Many worthy women have been cursed with worthless husbands, but unfortunately the grievances of the female sex have been less frequently known than those of the men, for women are not authors and men are frequently so. Probably in all estimates of the comparative merit of the sexes, it must be remembered that more has been said on the one side than on the other. Home however is the castle of the wife if she be a good one. Here she keeps her permanent abode agreeably with the injunction of St. Paul. The husband is absent the principal part of his time, may they not therefore on some occasions be too great an inclination in the lady to consider herself as the governor of the establishment, while the husband may be deemed a visitor rather than the master. This would not arise in the breast of an amiable and affectionate wife, but it has sometimes arisen, for unfortunately all wives have not been good ones. Jerome Carden was so unfortunate as to have a wife who was proverbial for her her ill temper and arbitrary conduct. John Knox said of Lord Erskine, he has a very Jezebel to his wife. Salmazius, the opponent of Milton, was made perpetually uneasy by a similar thorn. The unfortunate husband was a Frenchman, and Milton said as Dr. Johnson observes, to Escalus et uteiunt nimium gallinatius. Milton himself seems to have suffered from a similar cause, for he evinces so much hostility to the female sex that no other reason would so naturally account for it. He exclaims, oh, why did God create a wise, that peopled highest heaven with spirits masculine create at last this novelty on earth, this fair defect of nature and not fill the world at once with men and angels without feminine. Milton adds a great deal more, which if he had a high opinion of women, even his anxiety to make his character of Adam consistent would not have demanded. An amiable temper on the part of a wife with her own natural softness and an inclination to yield in unimportant matters will not only increase love but power. For in this respect, agreeably to the opinion of Prince Eugene, love is power. Marriage is sometimes made a matter of mere convenience. People enter into it with as much indifference as they would into any other speculation, and when one companion dies, they take another. In the book of Tobit, we have an account of Sara, the daughter of Ragwell, who had been favoured with seven husbands, whom Asmodeus the evil spirit had killed. Love must be exceedingly pliable, it must be love to man and not to a man that would suffer a woman to transfer her affections seven times. It would be a ludicrous occurrence if, upon any particular occasion, a man's three or four wives or a woman's three or four husbands should burst their sermons and visit their former dwelling. What astonishment, what uplifted hands and distended eyeballs, watched speechlessness and violent speeches, reproaches and animosities. When the Duke of Rutland was viceroy of Ireland, Sir John Hamilton attended one of his graces levees. This is timely reign, said the Duke, it will bring everything above ground. I hope not, my lord, replied Sir John, for I have three wives there. Marriage may be well extended to two wives and two husbands in succession. This in some cases is necessary. But when it goes to three or four, it is objectionable. The man who moves from place, sometimes living here and sometimes there, will never gain a pure and ardent love of home. By the same rule, a succession of wives will only induce an habitual or mechanical regard to the wife for the time being. In the same way as loyalty may be transferred from one sovereign to another. Besides, a family with different degrees of relationship and with different interests is formed. And this contributes nothing towards domestic tranquillity. There may be some particular cases in which the evils to which we have alluded may not arise. These may be deemed exceptions. There are some sorrows peculiar to matrimony and some which, though they fall on other conditions of life, are felt more heavily when they intrude themselves within the boundary of connubial love. Poverty and sickness are more grievous evils under circumstances of this sort, because a man feels not only for himself, but for others. How dreadful must it be when the husband beholds his wife in squalid misery. What are the feelings of a mother when she sees her innocent children suffering from hunger? And when the iron hand of affliction presses upon the brow of a husband or a wife, and the sharp arrows of pain occasion groans. Is there not an almost equal anguish in the breast of an affectionate partner? And when the heavy clouds of sorrow gather around at the anticipated separation of those who had lived in the bonds of harmony. When the chilly arms of death are held out to clasp him or her, who had been used to a more tender embrace, how dreadful is that period. Is not the woe of separating generally in the same proportion as the bliss of uniting? And is it not a valuable loan to be paid by a mighty sacrifice? Unhappiness may be occasioned by indulging an undue degree of love. Sentimental bliss is generally followed by sentimental sorrow. Consequently, people may love one another too ardently, so as to make the thought of parting a source of misery. If two plants grow up together, imparting to each other shelter and fragrance, it may contribute to their mutual advantage. But if they become so closely united as to grow from the same stalk and depend on the same nutriment, then take away one and both will perish. Canubial love should therefore be regulated by reason. Extremes are seldom durable. Violent love in the marriage state may change to hatred. And an unusual quantity expended on the husband or wife may occasion a lesser degree of regard towards others. It is not an uncommon event for external enemies to occasion harmony at home, and harmony at home or the yielding to the foolish notions of each other may occasion enemies without. So difficult is it to act consistently and to live in peace with all men. But the scripture demands it and we have a long period for studying our lesson. In matrimony it is necessary that many things should contribute to a permanency of enjoyment. A good temper on both sides, property enough to supply the wants of a family, good health, children, not too many nor too few nor all of one sex. A continuance in each other's society till both pass away gradually as the twilight into darkness. But if chilly poverty exerts its influence, if the husband or the wife be ill-tempered, if he or she be unfaithful or jealous, if love be followed by hatred, if one be taken and the other left in solitude, if children be imperfect in birth, or habitually, sickly, or drop off in early years as unripe fruit, if sons prove vicious and daughters bring disgrace on themselves and their families, if the extravagance of children bring their aged parents in sorrow to the grave, where then will be the pleasure of matrimony. The cares of a family, when the family is large and unruly, are more perplexing than the cares of a state. Carden confessed that out of four great troubles which he had experienced, two arose from his children. When Thales was asked why he did not marry, he replied, because I want no children. One of the ancient sages was so much impressed with the disappointments and anxieties of matrimony, that when he was asked at what time a man should marry, replied, if he be young, not yet, if older, not at all. This sentiment, however, so repugnant to all our ideas of social improvement, as well as to the command of our Creator, who presented woman to man as a helpmate, because it was not good that he should live alone and demanded of them to be fruitful and multiply, will find no advocates, except among the disappointed, the ignorant, and the abandoned. The love of woman is a feeling too deeply rooted in the breast of man, and the reality of domestic felicity has been too long tested by experience, for either to be sacrificed on the altar of the revilers of matrimony, whether they be libertines, weak husbands, or misnamed philosophers. The dearest boon from heaven above is bliss which brightly hallows home, to sunlight, to the world of love, and life's pure wine without its foam. There is a sympathy of heart which consecrates the social shrine, robbs grief of gloom, and doth impart a joy to gladness all divine. End of section 30. End of sketches of the fair sex in all parts of the world by Anonymous.