 Assalamu alaikum and welcome to Making a House a Home with myself Sana Araji and our guest Faheem-e-Muhammad who's a qualified life coach and an NLP practitioner. Assalamu alaikum Faheem-e-Muhammad. Assalamu alaikum. Now today we're going to be discussing the topic around building positivity and confidence and overcoming fear. Can you just go into depth about this topic for us and let us know what it's about? Building confidence firstly we as muslim and Shi'a believers Imam Al-Jawal has said that he who has confidence in Allah SWT sees joy and he who trusts on him he will actually be successful with his affairs. So we need to know that being confident and being positive is not just something that we have to do from this day and age and it's not just because we have it within ourselves we know we are creations from Allah SWT and that alone should give us the confidence and the positivity of being in this world knowing that he's given us the tools and the strategies to be able to overcome the challenges as life is a test. And you know the Holy Quran states that you know that verily the friends of Allah of Allah shall have less fear and shall grieve less. And I know that you know people say well you know we come up with all these hadith and these statements and you know in reality just like with depression and all of that anxiety we feel it and yes we do and I'm not saying that we do not have moments that we do not have you know negativity in our lives and things come up again and again in our lifetimes that will give us lack of confidence and positivity but as psychologists and studies have stated you don't need to have motivation and be driven in order to still have that way of being so you know building positivity and confidence is having a belief that's what we need to instill with ourselves and teach our children's that when we have a belief that even though we're feeling down we know we can come back to it because that foundation is set it is solid and it is strong knowing that Allah is there to help us knowing that we as humans we have these stages and steps that we have to take like with mindfulness like with meditation and prayer being spiritual you know looking at the glass half full for example there are so many techniques and strategies that go deep into a human mind to help them control through the situations that we're in and remember we are only ever in control of three things what we give focus to what we give meaning to and what we do when we are faced with a challenge now these things these are psychologists that have said this these are like you know coaches that are gurus that are like you know massive in the industry that will say these things and the Quran says the same thing and we have the best of supporters the best of belief the best of spirituality with our religion to show us that being positive brings positivity and now only we learning about the law of attraction and manifesting things Allah says you know come to me take one step and I'll come ten steps closer you know live and be as what you would envision your future to be a lot of us also in society we feel that if we are shown to be too confident and too positive then it's a borderline arrogance and also people don't like that because they wanted to feel down because they don't feel that they can come up to your level but then those people obviously are not on the same wavelength as you and they need supporting but that you do not let them bring you down you don't have to be you know less confident and less positive because someone else cannot handle it you show more of it because if anything they should be latching on to you and you know wanting to grab some of that wanting to learn from it and wanting to imply you know sort of imply that and you know apply that to their own way of living because only from that comes good things because you have hope even we discussed to work that comes into it having that trust building confidence and positivity is not just about you know looking at things in a better way it's about having trust and people don't have the trust and the belief anymore when you go deep into that meaning of being positive and confident then you realize that it's always in you and it never breaks you might have moments and we always in coaching we try to accept you know those moments of negativity the moments where you don't feel confident and positive but you don't stay in that state for too long that's when it becomes dangerous that's when it becomes a health issue where you can go into mental you know issues of you know anxiety stress and depression you see it becomes like when you don't understand it having lack of confidence having lack of positivity is having lack of understanding right now I've read a few articles regards to surrounding yourselves with positive people absolutely would you say well when you're a positive person and you're confident and you have a friend who's just constantly moaning about how bad their life is and you first you don't want to really be as positive around them because you feel like well they're having a really bad time I shouldn't really show myself to be so happy yeah but at the same time you don't want them to drag you down because what even like subhanallah Allah says when you surround yourselves with good people because we without knowing weeks we go towards yeah we become like them yes without us knowing it's just that when we go to another country or we speak to someone who has a strong accent without knowing which language starts to change and we start to adapt to the how they are so that's the same thing with when you're around friends that are not positive but that will always have that one friend if it's not ourselves yeah we'll always have someone who's going through a hard time and that complains and moans and nags and they don't really do anything about it but all they do is complain so that can drag you down and that could affect you from you know keep maintaining your positivity and confidence what would you say it can work with someone who is not genuinely with their positivity and confidence right okay because are you the one that's the influencer or you're the one that's been influenced you have to be a particular person who is strong so you do not get influenced negatively regardless of what you're coming across and even with raising children and being an adult yourself you need to be put in different situations that are difficult and there must be times where you are faced with negativity you don't disregard it because even though as we need to be surrounded by positivity and good people around us who are successful so we can go we have family members that we are you know negative or we're going to disregard them no we either be strong enough to be understanding and accepting but also strong enough to not let that negativity affect us even though we around it so you might distance a bit or you might influence you know in a very smart way because you don't want to also be around someone who is going through something and all you are is positive and showing them giving them answers and giving them solutions no you let them be in their space and show them and say look I'm here if you need to be and you know you got to keep continuing with your life and you know doing certain things so again again I go a lot deeper into if you are a particular way nothing and no one will influence you unless you allow it and you want it you have to take responsibility even though everyone says that when you surround yourself with certain people you're going to adapt to that particular way that will also happen but you are attracted to that particular way because there's something within you that wants it to why subconsciously so you need to change your habits you need to also know yourself consciously as make it into something subconscious a habit that you are drawn to certain types of people for a particular reason it's not their fault you are drawn to it you like it you want to hang around with that group because that's what you feel inside even though you know it's wrong but you want to do it so take responsibility for that okay and if you are in the wrong groups you can be that influence to say well you know what I'm gonna bring them out of that circle instead of you getting into that circle even if you stand alone so again I look at it differently and it depends on the circumstance of the situation but the stronger you are in your mind and the only way you can get strong in your mind is whatever you're acting doing and believing it is solid because of your own values beliefs and principles when you are solid with your own you only grab things that are incongruent and in in form and in keep with what your original beliefs are anyways and you can be in any crowd any setting for weeks months and years but you hold on to that belief because you are doing your own practices and you're doing your own things to keep you in keep but that takes a very very special individual to be like that and it takes work it takes practice and it takes time so you need to build yourself into a particular mindset that your psychology is too strong to be broken by anyone or anything yeah it's really important and when it comes to confidence what would you say to someone who's lacking confidence how can they build their confidence and confidence is it's not even about you know it's our interpretation of it people think that if you're loud and if you put yourself first that's confidence that's one aspect of it but you're actually doing something that you wouldn't normally do or you're taking on something and you're facing something that you don't normally that's confidence too you know you actually you know trying something even with fear and that's a one other way of actually which we're gonna come on to is overcoming fear is you're facing it in that moment that builds your confidence and just remember when you're riding a bike for example to begin with you're not confident you're scared you're gonna fall over but it's with practice and with consistency of doing the same practice then you become confident and it's like that when you enter a new job in a new company even though you've been in the job same profession for years you go into a new company they have their own rules you're gonna learn their way and adapt and you're not confident at first you don't know people but with time you build that confidence right you got to allow yourself the time and adjust and it's okay to say to yourself that oh you know it's it's gonna take me time and I actually don't know this and I'm gonna learn and I'm gonna try and do it the way that you aspire or expect from me if you're in a company or in your house when you don't have confidence in speaking follow somebody that does it and what do they do learn the techniques and follow that way and just put yourself out there sometimes you could just got to face your fears yeah definitely inshallah and when it came to anxiety like as part of being a fear now a lot of things that hold people back is anxiety maybe something has happened in the past mm-hmm that has created the anxiety the fear how can someone live a life of not being fearful when they've had such a bad experience in the in the past again I think with something like this mindfulness is so vital mindfulness is bringing you here and now in the present moment so that we don't let the past affect us nor the future because a lot of anxiety and stress happens when we're thinking of the past or the future okay when we are in the present right here right now and really focus on the present everything's absolutely fine there is no fear because we're not making assumptions and stories about what could happen what did happen and you know that's what creates anxiety and fear and at the same time you know there's different types of fear there's fear of you know something that you're just scared of like spiders so how you look at that you know it's you know with children I have the technique where you place a spider in a box in a frame okay and in your mind you visualize it looking funny having long legs dancing or you know and then they start laughing and that spider is not fearful or it's in a box it's closed it's put something far away and you repeat the process constantly and in a way it becomes something that in their mind they're actually not fearing it I know it's hard to describe because it's an action it's a practice but there are techniques to overcome fear when it comes to that okay but general fear in us all it's really assuming again what did happen and it may happen again and we hold ourselves back and that is detrimental and we need to understand our mind is wired to protect ourselves they will come across we will come across doubt and you know holding back and you know being sort of like you know thinking that oh you know we need to worry about this danger because it's a survival that we have in us wide in our brains as humans that's how we survive but once you're aware of that then you realize there's certain things we need to be aware of like we need to apply the break straight away and have that sort of like you know survival mode and that stop mode and whatever it may be to protect us but the same time if we think we're going to enter into a decision on taking a risk in business or whatever decision it may be and if we're analyzing it on the assumption of a negative happening we might lose an opportunity instead of going into it learning that even if it doesn't work we can still gain something from it because it's a feedback there is a famous person who created the light bulb and when he came out of creating the light bulb he's like I tried a hundred times and 99 times I failed but I don't see how many times I fail the way I look at it is there were 99 ways of not doing it and the one way in which you're doing it so you know all these things is perception it's all perception and if you look at failure as feedback rather than just you know not actually accomplishing something but what we take away from it and so very very deep meaningful learning because that's the fear that people feel that they have to always succeed and I'm like like like riding a bike or taking on anything new the first time it's gonna be mistakes it's gonna be things but then you learn from it it's just like with life but we still feel that we need to go with life without struggle with about without you know and trying to avoid all these challenges and with that we stop ourselves and we hold ourselves back and that's what creates more fear and anxiety and that's what keeps us stuck where we will never progress in life so that is some another way of thinking which will help you overcome these sort of things that you are faced with and you can be a you know an individual that is fearless you really can. It all comes from resilience as well like we've spoken before about that but I mean at the course that I'm studying we're focusing on children and how to create resilience with children because a lot of the time they don't have it and when they grow up it affects their mental step because they don't know how to overcome challenge so I know as adults we find it difficult to be resilient let alone children yes how how do we help children to build positivity and the confidence and also to have that fearless that factor in them from such a young age what methods what tips it's funny you say that but actually as adults we have all these filters okay knowing that you know because of experience that something's gonna hurt us because that's why we protect our child from touching that fire because it's gonna burn us but kids are fearless and they go for it take risk more so we need to know that actually they do take more risks and they see things without the filters that we've created over time okay you know and they're the ones that are braver and they will take things on but we instill that fear in them from our own fears so it's not the kids that are the problem if we open ourselves we allow that space for the children to grow and be positive and not having fear because we want to be careful and you know catch them before they fall but instead of sometimes allowing them to fall and wake up and pick themselves up a few times by themselves so we're limiting them really we're restricting them from actual learning yeah because we just wrap our children up and cotton wool whereas they are like you said they do like to take care and it's more we have the issue yeah and they don't absolutely so yeah so sometimes that experience is actually not good for us but you know in time we need to obviously you know grow and have experiences but we need to know how to control it so that it doesn't overtake us. Shala thank you very much for that female we're gonna have to go for a break now and then Shala will come back and answer some of your questions Assalaamu Alaykum. Assalaamu Alaykum welcome back to the second part of making a house a home where we've been discussing and how to build positivity confidence and to overcome fear now we're gonna be taking some questions from our viewers Fahima our first viewer Mohammed says life is full of problems and issues at every stage in life so how can we remain positive when there is so much negativity all around us especially with this existing world. Right there there's like a huge amount of looking at things from one perspective that life is full of challenges yes we know that everything is full of negativity I'd like to challenge that everything is not full of negativity again it's the way in which we look at it they could be a scenario for example that you know a woman could be you know learned that she's now adopted over years and there one scenario is she can say well I have never been loved by my original parents and I was abandoned and you know I'm adopted now and can imagine the life that's gonna come after that thought or that same woman can take the same situation and think well yes I was given up by my original parents but somebody chose me and they chose to love me and they given me a chance and I'm actually one of the fortunate ones now how do you think those two scenarios will play with the future roles of how that impact of that mindset will you know transpire into their livelihood in the future so you know again you create the meaning for your situation and you choose what it is that you see in the same bad situations we all have seen people come out of war and families that are broken or people that have had addictions or you know poverty or homelessness that are most successful people because they did not let that come in between them and define them if anything that was a learning to work harder and to drive and yes there's negativity around us yes there's lots of things that are happening but how do you see it just like if you're gonna blame the economy for your job instead of saying that while the economy is going down and that's what's the announcement on the news today instead of saying well that's gonna affect my life now and I'm not gonna be able to afford my mortgage or it's gonna be tough on us will say well gotta be smarter now as to how I'm gonna you know work my finances you know see those two perspectives same scenario again it's just you know your way of thinking yeah different thinking inshallah thank you very much for that and hopefully Mohammed that helps you and our second viewer is Mehdi some personalities are so strong how can one become more confident while having a quiet personality and a different way of thinking to the rest and compete again it's how we view confidence and the main thing that people think confident people are loud and they have the biggest mouths but when you realize that actually those sort of people as we were discussed in the you know being arrogant and boastful you know they are loud because they're actually compensating for the fact that you know they don't want to see something in underlying and deeper meaning which is actually negative so confidence is not about being loud and having a wide personality because there's a lot of people that are quietly confident because they don't need to be outspoken because when they do speak it is something of substance it is only necessary and actually gets the job done it gets a message across or wherever it may be so confidence has to be looked upon in a different light it's not about being you know the class clown or the joker in you know in your family a lot of the times it's psychologists analyze that people are like that they actually holding back and withdrawing from the real issues that they're facing and that's a cover-up and a mask so confidence is it is actually quiet you don't need to be loud if you're confident it's like if you have faith and belief you don't need to worry about being influenced even if whatever crowd or whatever situation scenario you're in that's what I mean inshallah thank you for that and our next viewer is Sura and the question they said they have is I have fear about the future and most things in general as I hear so many stories about life in general like bad marriages bad parenting and bad in-laws how can one overcome this fear when looking ahead while hearing all of this if that's what you're constantly hearing then you make that change and difference and show that it's gonna be different even if it's fear you don't have to sit in the corner and just not live life that's one way of thinking you know I'm gonna be that change I'm gonna create a successful marriage or even if it's not I'm gonna make it successful I'm going to be the one that's you know people say well I don't have a role model well then you be that role model that you want to see you know it's just the way you look at it it's just the way you want to do let it drive you instead of driving you downwards let it drive you upwards and failure is something again we discussed and touched upon is actually a really good learning don't be afraid of it and don't teach your children that to fail is something wrong and bad and it actually makes you a less of a person if anything if you come out of it understanding what did you do wrong what did you learn even if it for a simple example is if you have a spelling test and that one word you got wrong because you got that one word wrong and you go back and analyze it that's the one word you'll never get wrong again you'll never ever get it wrong again because you made that mistake you go back and you think oh my god I didn't get a hundred percent because I missed out on that one word and you go back and you look at that word and you're like now I know what it actually you know spells you know what it actually what are the words to make it and you will look at it and that's the one word you'll remember for life and you'll never get it wrong but you had to make that mistake you had to get it wrong so that's with everything in life you know things come to us and we don't need to understand life differently it is not like the movies it is not Hollywood it is not you know what media dictates you know certain people should be in the attributes they should have in order for this perfect world it does not exist we know we need to know the reality of what this world entails and even with with hardship there is ease that another really powerful statement that even with negativity even with all these challenges we are going to be overcoming this it's the way in which we look at it and keep striving and only elevates us to build our strength mentally and physically yeah very true thank you for that famous this helps the the viewer with the query and our next viewer is Miriam and the question is how could one overcome the fear of failure we've touched up a bit on that but failure seems to be very common yes it's because as well we're looking at how people view us firstly we need to change mindsets and mentality and again if we can't we need to sort of own it and say yes I didn't do badly and it's okay instead of pretending that we're not you know perfect and again when we have that failure and we so badly want to you know get better from it let that process happen and let you let yourselves you know overcome that failure and have success go back and talk about it and realize that you know what and be open and say you know what even your own children and say I did fail many times with certain things that I've you know undertaken but this taught me something overcoming failure is so important for learning and actually experiencing failure is something that you know helps you grow and learn we need to change our ways of thinking of failure there's only feedback from it so forget failure as in what it just stands for look at it as feedback look at it as learning look at it as something that even from that failure you have gone into an area that you wouldn't have gotten into and no not to go there again or to approach it differently that's how you got to look at it and failing is something that builds resilience that builds strength it depends what you take from it don't just go into a cocoon and say I haven't done this and yes it can set you back even months or a whole year of studying again but maybe you need that development to grow and appreciate as well maybe you're going to be sat with a different group of people that is meant for you again that builds upon the trust that if you have belief you will not have the fear of failure you will not have the fear of not being confident you will not have the fear of not being positive because again it comes down to having belief knowing that what Allah has sense to us as a challenge and for us not to even you know have most of the time when we've asked for certain things because it's giving something better always giving something more to us is to have that patience it all comes down to that spirituality and that real talk what do we really have that and it applies in every area in our lives so that's what we need to remember that's what we need to learn and you don't need to worry what comes to you good or bad you're going to be fine either way so kind of implement it from a young age because I think with yes when you're an adult if you've been exposed to failure being a bad thing it can be more difficult to get your your mindset out of the fact that fear failure means progress or feedback yes whereas if we start it from a young age the children won't have that issue and that anxiety of fearing to you know having that fear of failure so it's kind of good that we start it if you're aware of it now and and if you're watching this and you know to start with your children from a young age so it can prevent them from having that anxiety in the future and having a different concept of life it doesn't have to be comfortable all the time in fact it gets boring and that's when people actually do get depressed because of having a very average life and that failure or that struggle or that challenge you know excites you you should try and you know sort of welcome it because you know you're going to get to the next stage of your life then remaining stuck with the same old routine staying safe and living a mediocre life so look at it like that you know if you don't have a challenge throw yourself in a challenge yeah definitely thank you for that no our last viewer is Zina and her question is what can be done to instill more positive thinking on a daily basis regardless of what is faced reflection is really important and I always tell my clients generally to have a gratitude diary and to write down five things that they really are grateful for for that day it could be simple as loving the sunshine or you know having your hands and legs to be able to walk we don't really appreciate the basics and Allah says appreciate the basics to get more instead of just wanting more you know we need that and we need to know the reasons why we also are grateful not just listing the you know a whole array of things we need to understand why we are grateful for it and that's the most basic and simple thing and you know we don't reflect in our Salah and we need to give ourselves time to do that whether it's before or after or just before bed and you know look reflect upon the day that you've actually had what could have done better what did I do that was good how did I help someone how did I avoid helping someone that I could actually take upon myself someone wanted my time and I was too busy I'm gonna make sure I call them tomorrow you know things like that grateful that people are coming to you and turning to you grateful the fact that you have that ability to do what you're doing every day when other people are only praying for it okay you know we come from backgrounds that are you know from not very good you know countries that are suffering in this day and age you know with war with poverty with you know I don't so many things so many things that we only make ourselves aware of in Ramadan okay so let's just remember this it happens all year round at this very day and age in this very stage and how much modern and you know we are with technology and the amount of money that's available and how much it's you know sort of basically in one area only and we're using that but we're not looking at what's still missing and to be happy to be fulfilled as humans it's about being you know helpful to others giving giving literally giving that creates you know happiness and positivity when you were able to give something even if it's not something physical but your time yourself a service sit with someone and give them that time you know give yourself that time to reflect on what more you can do for society or for your family members or for your friends or even a stranger and that will build the positivity because you're looking at life differently when you give more you have to give life is about a service you got to gain all that knowledge all that wisdom all that education only to serve others yeah and that's what gives the best happiness and fulfillment and that positivity will keep rolling in and you will find opportunities and doors that open for you that you're going to be so overwhelmed with you know and be patient really be patient don't just say it patience is not waiting patience is doing something while you're waiting are you still complaining while you're waiting so I'm being patient it's all it's been two years it's been three years you know my life hasn't changed and I'm patient no I have the right attitude about being patient life is about connecting the dots we don't see the whole picture till the end and every stage is another dot that we connecting and it might be a challenge or not but like the season it does not last forever so just take it as it comes along have so much faith and belief and practice with love whatever you're practicing and everything everything that you touch will turn into a gem yeah very true thank you very much for that and another thing that came to my mind was volunteering I know we spoke about that before giving back to the community which ever form yes yeah whatever form whether it be children who are unwell in hospital or adults who are unwell in hospital or just charities just giving back and having that feeling of do you know what I'm able to do this Allah's bless me with good health and and I'm you know I'm not in poverty and to be able to give back that can help increase positivity because it can boost your morale your confidence and make you appreciate life and health is so important we take it for granted that we are you know in the state where we can just wake up dress up and move and do what we need to do you know what I'm saying so that's what we also need to worry about what is your real meaning in life and purpose very true you need to analyze that you know in this modern developed country there's still food you know places that have you know areas where they require food imagine forget outside this country so you know we're still fortunate we still you know click our fingers and we buy things and we go on holiday and we book stuff and we do things and we eat whatever we want to eat and we you know we go places where we want to go don't take anything anything for granted and reflect on your life and you know that's when you need to look in the past is to see how far you've come and how much further you can go exactly yeah no that that's very true thank you so much for that and I hope that those questions were answered for our dear viewers and but we've come to the end now of the of this topic again we could probably carry on discussing more and more and but thank you for watching and inshallah you've benefited from the discussion that we've had today and inshallah we will see you soon As-salamu alaykum wa rahmatullahi wa barakatuh