 The Jack Benny program presented by Lucky Strike. Feeling low. Feeling tense. These words are common tense. Millions of smokers are learning that Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. That's what fine tobacco can do for you. And L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Yes, puff by puff, pack by pack. You'll really enjoy this fine, light, naturally mild Lucky Strike tobacco. And you'll agree that Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky Strike, and get on the lucky level where you feel and do your level best. Yes, smoke a lucky to feel your level best. The Lucky Strike program starring Jack Benny with Barry Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester Dynasty, and yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, on last Sunday's broadcast, we presented our version of that Great Warner Brothers picture, The Treasure of Sierra Madre. Immediately after that, the orchestra played our theme song. As we went off the air, here's exactly what happened. All right, Phil, hold it. Phil, hold it, we're off the air. Tell your boys to stop. That's enough, fellas. Stop. Cut. Sammy, stop. Now look, I don't want anybody to leave the stage. I want to talk to the entire cast. Is there anything wrong, Mr. Benny? Yes, there's plenty wrong, Dennis. Now look, I don't want to get mad. I don't want to lose my temper. But the broadcast we just finished was one of the sloppiest shows I've ever heard. Everyone fluffing their lines, missing their cues. All right, Jack, it's over. Let's forget it. We won't forget it, Mary. In fact, I want to talk to you first. To me? Yes. I can't understand what happened to you when you read your mother's letter. I haven't heard you get words so mixed up since that time in the restaurant when you ordered a chiss-sweet sandwich. Now really, it was awful. Well, I'm sorry, Jack, but I just couldn't help it. Last day, the dentist put a new gold crown on one of my teeth and it bothers me when I speak. Look, Mary, I don't want any excuses. I'm just telling you that... a gold crown? What happened to your old one? You kissed me and it melted. Gee, I didn't know. Oh, don't be funny. And now for you, Phil. During the program, you made a mistake that almost ruined a big laugh. I did? Yes. You were supposed to... Look, Phil, you were supposed to say that your new car came equipped with a Dynaflex Super Flowing Unigep turbo-vascular which is synchromesh with the multi-coil hydrotension dual-vacuum dynamometer. Uh-huh. But instead of that... instead of that, Phil, you said your new car came equipped with a Dynaflex Super Flowing Unigep turbo-vascular which is synchromesh with a multi-coil hydrotension dual-vacuum dynamomator. Imagine dynamomator. I said that? You certainly did. Holy smoke and I stayed on the wagon all week to get that line right. Well, I'll give you one more chance, Phil. Read it now. Jackson, I wouldn't read that line again if you named me in your will. A will? What's that? That's when you leave your money to somebody. Whoever started a silly thing like that. Now, let's see, uh, who else made a mistake? Oh, yes, Dennis. You said whip me, beat me, torture me, but I'll carry on. Laugh clown, laugh! Dennis, stop! Did I do something wrong on today's show, Mr. Benny? Yes, you did, Dennis. In our sketch, the treasure of the Sierra Madre, I let you play two parts, didn't I? Yes, sir. But when you played the old prospector, you put in a line that wasn't even in the script. Yes, sir. You said so long, I'll see you on page 12 when I come back as a Mexican bandit. Didn't you? Why did you say you were coming back later? Well, my mother was listening, and I didn't want her to tune out. Wait a minute. You mean your mother only listens to the part of the program that you're on? Yeah, she thinks you're awful. Look, Dennis. She said if you didn't have the mortgage on our house, she'd slap your silly face. All right. I didn't keep you here to discuss my real estate holdings. The top, the... The point I'm trying to make is this. If there's going to be any more ad-libbing in the program, I'll be the one to do it. Oh, fine. You couldn't have lived there off if you were at the Kentucky Derby and your suspenders broke. Suspenders broke, suspenders broke. Mary, don't be so smart. You can be replaced, you know. There are plenty of other girls in the May Company that can read lines. Now, kids, I wasn't bawling you out. I just want you to be a little more careful. Well, Jack, you didn't say anything to me. Does that mean I read my lines right? Yes, Don, you read your lines perfectly. But I do have one little complaint about the way you stand on the stage. What do you mean? Well, when the sportsman quartet came on to do their number, you were standing in front of the microphone blocking them. Now, you should have stepped aside. But, Jack, I did step aside. No, no, Don. The part that had legs stepped aside, the rest of you stayed. Now, watch it next time, pear shade. Hey, gang, how about all of us going over to drugstore for a sandwich? That is, if Mr. Benny has concluded the chastisement of his fellow Thespians. Phil, did that come out of you? Certainly. What's so unusual about me knowing words of more than one cylinder? That's syllabi! A cylinder, something round and hollow, like your head. Now, kid, you go to the drugstore and I'll meet you at the at least here. I got to go to my dressing room and change. Oh, but I just had to. I hope I wasn't too harsh with them. Especially Phil. Jack, he's so sensitive. Oh, hello, Rochester. Oh, hello, boss. I didn't know you were in my dressing room. What are you doing with that typewriter? Just what you told me to do. I'm making out the weekly payroll. Oh, yes, you go ahead and finish while I change clothes. Yes, sir. Mary Livingston. And 40 cents. Rochester, where are my shoes? Under the couch. Phil, Harris. And 30 cents. I don't see my shoes. Oh, yes, here they are. Don, Wilson. And 50 cents. Rochester, Van Jones. And 12 cents. Now, Rochester, have you made out Dennis Day's salary check yet? No, boss, I'm just coming to it. Oh, good. I want you to add two dollars to Dennis's check. Well, that's nice. Did you give him a raise? No, we burned one of his shirts, ironing it. So while you're at it, deduct a dollar from your check and a dollar from mine, next time we won't be so careless. By the way, Rochester, do you have the radio on? Uh-huh. Were you listening to my program? Uh-huh. What did you think of it? We better stop burning shirts. You're right, Rochester. Well, I'm all dressed. Step aside, please. I want to use the mirror. Okay. Here's your comb, boss. Thanks. Here's your hair. Gee, I look tall. Take the old one off first. Oh, yes. Well, I'm going, Rochester. And before you leave, hang my clothes up in the closet, will you, please? Yes, sir. You know it was nice of CBS to fix up this dressing room for me and put in all this plumbing. Boss, the plumbing was here. They just built the dressing room around it. Oh, then I guess the wisp room was left over, too. Well, see you later, Rochester. So long. Rochester, while you're at the typewriter, I wish you'd jot down the words, they're off. They're off? What's that, boss? It's something I want to add lib in case my suspenders ever break at the Kentucky Earth. So long. You're on the air, Mr. Hooper called. Hooper? You're telling me you were listening to my program? He didn't care about that. He called about his shirts. I had it all Monday. Gee, I remember the time I burned Mr. Hooper's shirt. My rating went down to 9.2. Or was it 2.9? Oh, well, that was weeks ago. Now my rating is back to 11. Or is it 1.1? Oh, well. Oh, Jack! Where are you, Don? Well, here in my dressing room with a quartet. I thought you went over to the drug store with the gang. Oh, the boys and I are just playing a little gin rummy. Oh, hello, fellas. Say, Jack, I'm terribly sorry there were so many mistakes made on the program today. Well, I am too, Don, and frankly, I haven't been so upset after a broadcast in years. Well, mistakes can happen. Don't let it bother you. I know, Don, but my whole gang has been with me for years. There's no excuse for such carelessness. I really was burned up. Well, Jack, the next time there's anything that upset you, there's only one thing to do. What's that? Tell him, boys! I'm not mad, fellas. Look, I'm over it already. Worried. All these words make common sense. Dinoflexu. What? Boys, look. And need we mention that hydrotension? Yes, you. I bet that's not in the song. That's dinoflexu, fellas. The gang is waiting for me at the drug store. Drug store is always so crowded. Yeah, but they know me here. We'll get served right away. Watch. I prepared this as soon as you came in, Mr. Harris. Here's your bromo seltzer. Thanks. Shall I put two straws in it or isn't Mr. Ramley with you? Now, wait a minute. But I don't want no bromo seltzer. I'll drink it. Dennis, why do you need a bromo? I went to a party last night, Liv. A party? Boy, oh boy. Did we have fun? If I'd spin the bottle, post office, hide and go seek, and sister that I get stiff. What? I hid in the deep freeze and nobody found me. If you folks would like to sit at the counter, take three empty seats now. The waiter will take care of you. Oh, yeah. Come along, Miss Living Stones. Just a minute, Phil. I'm buying a magazine. Okay, I'll go over and hold this seat. Here's your change, Miss. Thank you. Come on, Dennis. Well, just a minute, Mary. I'm weighing myself. Oh, boy, look at this little card that came out. Well, what does the card say? Go to the races. You may get hot at Hollywood Park. Dennis, come on. Right over here, Livy. Say, Phil, look. There's an article in this Cosmopolitan about Jack, and it's written by Eddie Cantor. No kidding. What does it say? Oh, get this opening line. Contrary to the Marsley character he assumes on the radio, Jack Benny in real life is the most generous man I've ever met. Eddie Cantor wrote that about Jackson? Hey, Livy, read it again, will you? Contrary to the Marsley character he assumes on the radio, Jack Benny in real life is the most generous man I've ever met. Let me see that magazine, baby. Contrary to the Marsley character he assumes on the radio, Phil. Jack Benny in real life is the most generous man I ever met. Phil. Huh? You got the magazine upside down. All right, so I memorized it. Can you imagine anyone saying that Jackson is generous? Well, I think Mr. Benny is very generous. When I first went to work for him, he only paid me $35 a week. What are you getting now? $37. Oh, I gave you a raise. No, he burned one of my shirts. Oh, Dennis, what are you doing? Uh-oh, I got to leave you, kids. There's Remly. Well, I didn't know Remly had a car. That ain't no car. He's got a cold. So long, kid. Look at the menu so we can... Dennis, where is that kid? Dennis! Well, I'm over here by the jukebox. Would you like to hear my recording of Little Mother of Mine? Oh, I'd love to. Okay. They all applauded. Yeah, yeah, they all applauded. Here I am, kids. Did you order yet? Oh, not yet, Jack. We're waiting for you. Oh, good, good. I'll get the menu. Oh, waiter. Waiter. May we have a menu, please? Certainly. Here you are. Thanks. Now, let's see. Oh, waiter, why have you got all those steering wheels attached to the counter? Those are for people who like to eat in drive-ins and can't afford cars. The one on the end is a convertible. What? If you press the button, the roof comes down. Why do I always run into this crazy guy? I don't know what I want to eat. Dennis, what are you going to order? A hamburger sandwich and check my oil. Dennis, stop going along with the waiter. Now, let's see. What do I want? Yeah, are you people going to order, or are you waiting for the floor show? A floor show and a drug store? Yes. At eight o'clock, Dr. Scholl comes out and does a fan dance with two footpaths. Dr. Scholl? He's corny, but he's good. Just take our orders, and that's all. We'll have three hamburgers. Now go get them. Oh, wait a minute, Jack. I don't want a hamburger. You don't have anything you like. What do you want? A cheese sandwich. Stop yelling at the girl. We make wonderful cheese sandwiches. You do? Yeah. Well, then I'll try a cheese sandwich. Would you like me to crim the truss? If I ever come into this place, the service is awful, the waiter's all for heaven's sake. Look at that waiter come back here. Now what? Now what? Look at this glass. There's lipstick on it. Well, there's water in it. Wash it off. Hey, Mary, I've never seen such a fresh waiter in all my life. Hey, mister, would you mind moving your elbow so I can get the sugar? I don't know why I came in here anyway. We never can get a booth. You always have to sit at the counter. Mister, would you move your elbow so I can get the sugar? Believe me, Mary, this is the last time I'm ever... Hey, look, Bart, I'm trying to get the sugar. What? Would you mind lifting your blockade until I have to wait till made at 12? Oh, I'm sorry. Here you are. Now, Mary, as soon as we... Jack, Jack, look who just came in. Who? Well, what do you know? Eddie Cantor. Eddie, Eddie, come here. Hi, Jack. Hello, Mary. Sit down, Eddie. Have a sandwich or something. Thanks, Jack. Eddie, you know Dennis, Dave. Sure, sure. Hello, Dennis. Well, Eddie Camper, how do you do? Come on, Eddie, what are you going to have? Well, I'm not very hungry, but, wait, I'll have a sandwich... a chicken sandwich and an ice cream soda. Very good, sir. What flavor? The usual, a glass of Pat Blue Ribbon with a scoop of vanilla ice cream. Eddie, ice cream and beer? Isn't that an odd combination? Look, Jack, do I say anything when you break six lucky strikes into a bowl and call it the breakfast of champions? Well, to each his own, I guess. Say, Eddie, that was a nice article you wrote about Jack and the cosmopolitan. It certainly was, Eddie, and I want to thank you. It was a very honest piece. I'm glad you liked it, Jack. Did you read the part where I said, contrary to the miserly character he assumes on the radio, Jack Benny in real life is the most generous man I've ever met? Yes, I did, Eddie, but only a man like you who has known me all my life can appreciate the finer side of my character. Hey, Mary, you want to split a bromo seltzer? No, my head's all right. It's my stomach that bothers me. Mary, please. Mary, you may think I'm exaggerating about Jack's generosity, but I'll never forget that day in 1928 when he first played the Palace Theater in New York. After the opening performance, Jack walked into Lindy's restaurant and yelled, OK, fellas, I'll buy drinks for everybody. Buy drinks in 1928? Prohibition wasn't repealed until 1933. Jack was willing to wait. Yeah. Here are your orders. Will it be anything else? No, thanks. That'll be all. Say, Eddie, speaking of the Palace in New York, remember the fun we used to have in vaudeville together? Oh, yeah. Jack, remember the time? What, Eddie? What? Remember the time you made a blind date over the phone and you asked the girl if she could bring a friend for me? And she said, yes, she'd bring her sister? Yeah. She'd bring her sister? She had to. They were Siamese twins? They were invodable, too. They had a great act. Their names were Doris and Dorothy Ace. They were billed as aces back to back. Dennis, I'll have that bromo seltzer now. Well, I said he those were the days. Good old boy. We used to see a lot of each other then. Oh, yeah. Say, look, Jack, why don't you and Mary come over to my hospital the next Saturday night? Oh, I'd love to, Eddie. Me, too. Good. You see, it's my birthday and we're having a few friends over. Your birthday, eh? How old are you going to be, Eddie? Now, come on, Eddie. Tell me, what's the difference? How old are you going to be? How old am I going to be? What's the use of kidding, Jack? Everyone else I can lie to, but not you. You know my right age. You know I'm even older than you. Well, I know. I know. But how old are you going to be? Forty. Me next. I was just wondering, how old are this just between you and me, you know? How old do you think Al Joseph is? I don't know, but Ida is his daughter. No kidding. Well, I've got to run along, Jack. Oh, waiter, waiter. My check, please. Oh, no, no. Wait a minute, Eddie. Get your hand out of your pocket. Huh? I asked you to sit here. This is on me. No, no, no, Jack. You were here already and I horned in. Waiter, give me my check. Oh, no, you don't. Look, Eddie, we've been friends for years. You wrote this wonderful article about me and now you want to spoil the whole thing. Waiter, how much is Mr. Cantor's check? It's sixty-five cents. After all, Eddie, I... I don't know. After all, Eddie, I... Sixty-five cents? For what? All we had was a chicken sandwich and a glass of beer. Jack, I'll pay for it. You will not. He wrote the article about me. Now, look, waiter, how can this bill be sixty-five cents? All we had was a chicken sandwich and a glass of beer. If he had the beer, why are you foaming at the mouth? You keep out of this. Now, waiter, this is outrageous. It's highway robber. Jack, Jack, don't make a scene. Let me have the check for heaven's sake. I will not, you're my guest. All right, waiter, it's a hold-up and I'll pay it. Can you change a fifty-dollar bill? I can change it. You shut up! Jack, it's me, Eddie, the one who wrote all those nice things about you. Like I said in my article, Jack Benny is the most generous man I've ever... You can stop with that already, too. I don't mind being generous, Eddie. But when you first came in here, you said you weren't hungry. Then you sat here and stuffed yourself... and up a sixty-five-cent bill. Well, flattery won't get you anywhere, Mr. Pander. Here's your check. Come on, Mary, let's go. But Jack, Jack... How do you like that guy? He's gone. Well, I'm glad. Waiter, how much did you say that check was? Sixty-five cents? No, it's three dollars and a quarter. What? He didn't pay his, either. Well, this is a fine, how do you do? How do you do? Shut up! We'll be back in just a moment, but first... Feeling low. Feeling tense. These words are common sense. To feel your level best, smoke a lucky. For Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. It's important to know that fine tobacco can do this for you. And lucky strike means fine tobacco. Yes, L-S-M-F-T, L-S-M-F-T. Lucky strike means fine tobacco. Light, ripe, naturally mild tobacco. No wonder more independent tobacco experts, auctioneers, buyers, and warehousemen smoke Lucky Strike regularly, than the next two leading brands combined. So when you choose your cigarette, remember, Lucky's fine tobacco picks you up when you're low, calms you down when you're tense. Put you on the right level to feel and do your level best. Yes, be sure to make your next carton of cigarettes, Lucky Strike. Smoke a lucky. To feel your level best. Happy Mother's Day and good night, everybody.