 K-F-I Los Angeles. Spellbound. David O. Selznick presents Ingrid Bergman and Gregory Peck in the screen's most masterful achievement in suspense. Alfred Hitchcock's Spellbound. See Spellbound today, Grumman's Chinese low-state Fox Uptown. The Jack Benny program presented by... L-S-M-F-D, L-S-M-F-D, L-S-M-F-D. That's right. You bet. And how Lucky Strike means fine tobacco, so round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. At 49, American... Yes, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. Here's what Mr. Joseph Cuthill, independent tobacco auctioneer of Kinston, North Carolina, said. No cigarette is any better than the tobacco that's bought for it. And at market after market, I've seen Lucky Strike consistently by fine tobacco. Tobacco that is sweet as a nut, better aroma, thoroughly ripe and thoroughly mellar. So when it comes to my own cigarette, I naturally choose Lucky's. Yes, Lucky's Strike means fine tobacco. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, Lucky's Strike. Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Rochester, Larry Stephenson, yours truly, Don Wilson. Ladies and gentlemen, we bring you the star of our program. A man who has successfully run the gamut of show business from A to Z, Jack Benny. Thank you, thank you. Hello again, this is Jack Benny talking, and Don, that was the nicest introduction you've ever given me. And you're absolutely right, my career has covered show business from A to Z. From actor to zombie. Mary, that wasn't a nice thing to... Mary, what's a zombie? A zombie is a man who came to a fork in the road. He went one way and his blood went the other. What? That's right, Jack. A zombie is a man with hollow eyes, a vacant stare, and although he's really dead, he still walks around. So that's it. Mary, how many times have I told you not to mention Fred Allen on this program? I mean, especially so early. Let me get rolling first. Oh, Jack, you and Allen, I think it's about time you two stopped picking on each other. Well, it isn't as simple as that. This grudge goes way back to our affordable days. Allen was always mad because the audience used to throw things at him and they never threw anything at me. What are you talking about? You learn how to play tennis by hitting the tomatoes back with your violin. Tennis, Mary, you know that isn't true. Then why do they book your act into Forest Hills? They wanted a little music because Helen Wills was moody. And live with me, will you, sister? What are you laughing at? People don't throw things at you. Look what happened a few weeks ago when you played your violin at the Hollywood Ball. Mary. At the end of the concert, you had so much fruit in your hair, you looked like Carmen Miranda. Oh, stop making up a lot of things. Come in. Mr. Benny. Yes. I'm from the San Fernando Valley Gazette. Oh, are you, uh, are you a reporter? Well, what do you think I am with this pencil in my ear, a desk set? You'd have to run into him. What? Well, what is it you want, Mr., uh, Mr. Schlagelmeier. Schlagelmeier? When you say that, smile. My paper sent me here to get a story about that contest you mentioned last week. Well, Mr. Schlagelmeier, I don't know any more about that contest than you do. Right now I'm waiting for my press agent to come over and give us all the details. Oh, well, then I'll hang around and take a few notes. Well, we're trying to do a program, so why don't you just sit down, Mr. Schlagelmeier. Westbrook, Schlagelmeier. You know, Mary, people have been phoning me all week about this contest. Well, Jack, what kind of a contest is it going to be? I wish I knew the whole thing of Steve Bradley's idea. Imagine me giving away $10,000. I can't imagine it either. Then with your San Fernando right out of the valley. Schlagelmeier, please. Anyway, it isn't that I care about the money. I believe that, Jack. I think the whole idea about you being cheap is just a gag. A gag, huh? Let me tell you something, Don. Jack doesn't trust anybody. What? When he goes to bed at night, he puts his money in his mouth and rubs alum on his lips. He did that once. Let's get on with this. Yeah, pardon me. How do you spell alum? A-L- Schlagelmeier. It's not a publication. Oh, Jack, what are you worried about? He's from such a small paper, the San Fernando Gazette. That has no circulation. I beg your pardon, Madam. My column is syndicated throughout. Throughout what? Anaheim, Azusa, and Kukamung. Listen, Schlagge, I have a 93-year-old grandmother who has better circulation than you have. Now, please, let us get on with the program. Phil, get your band ready, and we'll have a... Phil. Huh? You talking to me, Jackson? Yeah, it's time for your band number. Oh, well, I'm sorry, Jackson, but you know how it is with these mystery magazines. You start reading, and then you can't put it down. Oh, you're reading a mystery magazine. What's the name of it? Who's Gordon? Yeah, see, it says so right here on the cover. Phil, that's House and Garden. That's Gordon. Just play a number, will you? Okay, Jackson, okay. But first, I'd like to know more about that contest. What's it all about? Phil, I don't know what it's about myself. It seems some silly idea my press agent has. He wants me to give away $10,000. Jack giving away $10,000? Yeah. It's like trying to strain the overalls out of Mrs. Murphy's chowder. Oh, stop. I wouldn't say that, Livy. I was out with Jackson the other night, and he picked up the check. He did? Yeah, he looked at it, added it up. It was correct, and handed it to me. Now, listen. Don't get conceited, Phil. He does that with everybody. All right, kids. All right. Are you through? No, I've got one. You sit down. You're just mad because my haircut is rounder than yours. Now, will you please be quiet and let us get on with the... Oh, I'll get it. I'll get it. Hello? Hello. Your daddy? Oh, this must be Phil Harris, a little girl. How are you, darling? Fine. And how's your mother? She's fine, too. By now, she's in the living room sewing. Sewing? Oh, is mommy making you a cute little dress? No, she's mending the rip on daddy's pool table. No? Yes, darling. Phil, it's for you. It's your little daughter. Oh, thanks, Jackson. Hand me the phone. Hello, honey. Hello. Look, how come you called me while I'm on the air, honey? Oh, she said I have to tell you I was a bad girl today. No. Yeah, I have a whole bunch of records. But, baby, I've told you dozens of times never to go near those recordings. Now, did you break any of them? Yes, I broke 26 records of. That's what I like about the town. Oh, honey, that's awful. I broke the mind in the pot that goes ham, hawks, and turnips, greensies. That's my girl, it said that. You know, darling, when you were a little tiny baby, I used to sing you to sleep with that song. Uh-huh, I could hardly wait to grow up. Yeah, well, you better hang up now, sweetheart. All right, listening to the program, and is Mr. Benny really going to give away $10,000? Yes, darling, I think so. This I gotta see. Well, you'll find out. Look, darling, you better hang up now, and remember, your date big daddy loves your little bitty babykins. Yeah. Well, goodbye, honey. Gee, she must be a cute kid. She certainly is, Jack. I saw the other day at the farmer's market with Alice. They were buying ahead of cabbage. Oh, gee, Livy, I wish I hadn't heard that. Now I know what I'm gonna get for Christmas. A head of cabbage for Christmas? That's ridiculous. No, it ain't. I've got everything else. You got a cabbage head, too. You talked to Alice because I know the perfect gift for Christmas. We know, Don, we know a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes. No, Jack, that's not it at all. What? Not a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes? No, certainly not. But, Don, Lucky Strike means fine tobacco. I know that, but the way I look at it is... Think, man, think, L-S-M-S-T! I can't help it, my mind's made up. But, Don, what could be better for a Christmas gift than a carton of Lucky Strike cigarettes? Two cartons, one for each stocking. Oh, gee. Oh, boy. For a minute, I thought I was going to... Yeah, stop looking at yourself so security. You know, it wouldn't hurt if we rehearsed this program. You can play a number, will you? Okay. Come on. This Broadway hit, Are You With It, played by Phil Harris and his 18 gentlemen. And now, folks... Thanks, Jackson. I'm glad you call my boys gentlemen. Well, I can't call them musicians. Are you with it? Didn't two of your writers write that show? Yeah. Well, you ought to be proud. What are you mad about? Look, I give them the summer off. They go to New York, write a hit show, come back and make my life miserable. What do you mean, Jack? Every time they come in with a radio script and I happen to say that joke isn't funny, I throw out the page and jam it down my throat. They can stop already. I'm getting so round, so firm, so fully flat. When they say that's a belly laugh, they're not kidding. Well, Jack, if you feel that way about your writers, why don't you get rid of them? I can't. They've got me signed for two years yet. Oh, well... Now, pardon me. How do you spell throat? Schlag, will you please sit down? Hello? Hello? I'd like to get some information about the contest you talked about last week. Look, fella, I don't know anything about the contest yet. I've got to wait until my press agent gets here. Well, when you get all the dope, will you please call me at MGM? Oh, oh, Metro Golden Mayor? No, Moe's Gypsy Motel. Well, just listen and you'll hear it. Goodbye. Wish people wouldn't bother me in the middle of a show. I'm going to tell the operator not to let any more calls come through. Oh, Mabel, what is it, Gatron? Look at your switchboard. Mr. Benny's line is flashing. Oh, yeah, I wonder what Lady Esther wants now. I'll find out. Yes, Mr. Benny? All right, no more calls unless they're important. What? No, I'm busy tonight. Say, Mabel, I wonder what kind of a contest he's going to have. Yeah, I can't imagine Mr. Benny giving away $10,000. Neither can I. I'll bet he marries the winner. Who wins it? If I know Mr. Benny, he'll dress up like Charlie's Aunt, have an early ceremony, and make a quick trip to Reno. He would. Say, Gatron, I wonder what Mr. Benny puts on his lips. Why? I went out with him once, kissed him good night, and I couldn't open my mouth for three days. It's the truth. Cross my switchboard and hope to dial Van Johnson. Van Johnson, what a face. Two baby blue eyes gazing out through a cluster of beautiful freckles. Stop talking about it, my nostrils are twitching. Gatron, he's the answer to National Broadcasting Company. I'm sorry that Mr. Benny cannot be disturbed. You're welcome. For heaven's sake. Hello? You had a call, Mr. Benny, but I didn't let them disturb you. Thanks a lot. That Mabel Flapsaddle is so silly, hasn't got a brain in her snood. Say, Jack, I wish your press agent Steve Bradley would get here. I'm kind of anxious to know about that contest. Oh, my, I can't understand what's keeping... Oh, my goodness, how many times do I have to tell that operator to... Look, if you don't stop calling, I won't take you dancing anymore. Oh, boss, come now. This is Rochester. Now he tells me. What do you want, Rochester? I called to tell you there's been a little excitement here at the house. Excitement? What happened? Well, a milkman turned his truck into our driveway and got loose from him and ran all over the front yard. Did he hit anything? You know that big willow tree by the house? Yes. Well, it's really got something to weave about now. Oh, my goodness. Then he bounced off the tree and knocked over the bird bath. The bird bath? Yeah, and I just went up clean guest house. You know it. What else happened? Then he crashed into the front of the house and broke milk bottles all over the place. You mean my front lawn is covered with broken milk bottles? Milk bottles, policemen and cats. Holy smoke. I can imagine what my lawn looks like. Yeah, you ought to see those cats napping up the milk and spitting out the grass. Jump on the lawn and jump right into the middle of everything. Good. Did the Cocker Spaniel chase the cats off? Chase them off. They're using his ears for napkins. Rochester, stop being funny. Do you really want me to? No, no. Go on. Keep a word of this. It's true, boss. It happened about two hours ago. Well, what's on the lawn now? Broken. I'll be home right after the broadcast. Goodbye. Goodbye. Don't do anything like it. Every time I leave the house, something happens. What happened now? A delivery truck got loose on my front lawn and broke about a hundred quart bottle. No, no, Jackson. No, no. Phil, it was milk. Oh, it wouldn't worry you too much in there. Anyway, when I get home, I've got a lot of things... Oh, come in. Well, Steve, it's about time you got here. I've been up in the air all week about this contest idea of yours. Ah, well, you hear this. Sit down, everybody. Sit down. Let me do the talking. Now, about this contest, Benny, this is the greatest thing to hit radio since L.S. was introduced to M.F.T. All right. What is it? Pardon me. How do you spell M.F.T.? Quiet, sly. Go ahead, Steve. All right. Listen, Benny, and listen carefully. Yes, yes. What's the contest? I'm coming to that. Now, for years, programs have been having contests. They asked the listeners to write letters on why I like this, why I like that, why I like sounds, why I like section such. People are tired of that stuff. I got something brand new, something that people will enjoy. All right. What is it? We're going to ask people all over this country to write in letters in 25 words or lengths. Yes. Telling us why they can't stand Jack Benny. Steve. Steve, would you mind repeating that? Ask people to write in letters, finishing this simple sentence. I can't stand Jack Benny because... Steve, look at me. You lost your mind? Have you gone crazy, asking people to do that? Why people like me? They love me. Now, wait a minute, Benny, wait a minute. What? How many people listen to you every Sunday? Well, about 30 million. And how many people are there in the United States? Well, about 130 million. There you are. That means that 100 million people don't like you. 100 million people don't like me. And that's only in this country. Steve, you mean to say that 100 million people don't like me? 100 million and one. Get this smile, fool you. Slap. How do you spell fool? Sit down. Finish it. But Steve, I don't mind if people write in letters why they like Jack Benny, but you've got that awful phrase in there. I can't stand Jack Benny. I mean, can't stand is too hard. Hey, Jackson, how about despise? You stay out. Mary, you talk to Steve. Will you tell him how crazy this whole idea is? I can't do a contest like that. Wait a minute, Jack. Maybe it's not so bad. At least it's different. But Mary, all those people saying they can't stand me. Look at Fred Allen. He's been saying that for years. Well, he knows me. I mean, he should know better. But Jackson, there are a lot of other people that feel like Fred Allen does. Certainly. Now, this will give him a chance to put down on paper what they've been thinking for 14 years. And for that? For that, I should give away $10,000? I've got an old bridge lamp. I'm not using it. I mean, wouldn't that be... Now, now, Benny, it's got to be $10,000. And what's more, it's going to be in victory bonds. Oh. Well, I like the idea of victory bonds, but... Oh, Mary, I can't go through with a thing like this. Why not, Jack? I think it's a wonderful idea. Me too, Jackson. I like it very much. I love it, but it's too easy. What to do? I mean, it's so horrible. I mean, Steve, give me the details again. All right, listen. People write in letters. I can't stand Jack Benny because in 25 words or less. You think they can get it all in in 25 words? 50 words? Well, that lets me out. This sounds so ridiculous. $10,000 for writing a letter. I can't stand Jack Benny because... Jack, put down that pencil. You can't be in it. Can't they write it in on dollar bills or something? If I'm going to give away victory bonds, I've got as much right to try and win as anybody else. Anyway, I'm not going through with it. Oh, yes, you are. Go ahead, Wilson. We've got an announcement I gave you. But, Steve, let's talk it over a little more. It's too late for that. Go ahead, Wilson. Read it. Okay. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this contest is actually taking place and starts right now. But, Steve... Now, listen closely. Here are the details. To enter this contest, all you have to do is write a letter completing this sentence in 50 words or less. I can't stand Jack Benny because... But, Don... $10,000 in victory bonds will be awarded for the letters containing the best-stated and most convincing reasons. Mary, do something, will you? Quiet, Jack. I'm taking this down. I'm sorry. The first prize will be $2,500 in victory bonds. The second prize, $1,500 in victory bonds. The third prize, a $1,000 victory bond. Look, and there are 50 additional prizes of $100 victory bonds each. These are all par-value bonds. They're worth their face value when you receive them. Look, how can I go through with this? All letters become the property of Jack Benny and no letters will be returned. The decision of the judges will be final and the supreme judge will be the honorable Fred Allen. The win will be final. Oh, no. I mean, how can they do this to me? I'm really a nice guy. I grow flowers. I pat little kids on the head. I give milk to cats. How can they do this to me? Yes, ladies and gentlemen, this contest is open to everybody except the employees of the American Tobacco Company, its agents, the National Broadcasting Company, and Jack Benny's relatives. My father'll kill me. This is awful. All you have to do is complete this sentence in 50 words or less. I can't stand Jack Benny because. Oh, my. Then mail your letter to the Jack Benny contest, Hollywood 28, California. Remember the Jack Benny contest, Hollywood 28, California. This contest is subject to all federal and state laws and regulations. The termination date of the contest will be announced on a subsequent program. Wait a minute, Don. Suppose there's a tie. Yes, Steve. Suppose there's a tie. That's impossible, Benny. People can't stand you for different reasons. No. In case of a tie, duplicate prizes will be awarded. Duplicate prizes? Hey, play, boys. I ought to have my head examined. How do you spell examined? Oh, sit down. Ladies and gentlemen, thousands of thoughtful and grateful Americans are giving Christmas presents to hospitalized service men this year. There's one important thing to think of in selecting a gift. It should be appropriate. How can we determine what's appropriate and what isn't? By consulting the camp and hospital committee of your local Red Cross chapter. They'll tell you what types of gifts will best fit the needs of the men. And please remember, if you're mailing the present, do it by December 10th or earlier if possible. Jack, Benny will be back in just a minute. But first, here is my good friend, L.A. Speed Riggs. L.A. for the... In a cigarette, it's the tobacco that counts. And lucky strike means fine tobacco. That's it. L.S.M.F.T. Yes, lucky strike means fine tobacco. The finer, the lighter, the naturally milder lucky strike tobacco. This fine lucky strike tobacco means real deep down smoking enjoyment for you. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, lucky strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. The famous tobacco auctioneer, sir, on tonight's program are Mr. F.E. Boone of Lexington, Kentucky. And Mr. L.A. Speed Riggs of Goldsboro, North Carolina. And this is Basil Riesdale for Lucky Strike. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. L.S.M.F.T. It takes fine tobacco to make a fine cigarette. So smoke that smoke of fine tobacco, lucky strike. So round, so firm, so fully packed, so free and easy on the draw. Phil, Phil, I'll rub his wrist while you pour that cold water on his forehead. Okay. He's coming around, Phil. Do you feel better, Jack? Yes, I guess so. Say, look, Jackson, 3,000 letters came in yesterday telling why they couldn't stand you. That's my regular fan mail. That don't count. Mary, I'm too weak. You say it. Okay. Good night, everybody. Thanks. Don't delay, folks. Write those letters tonight. Finish the sentence, I can't stand Jack Benny because, in 50 words or less. This is the National Broadcasting Company.