 Leave a brother's company, makers of swan, the soap that gives you a wonderful new kind of suds, presents Our friend, swan, with my friend, Irma Starring Mary Wilson as Irma and Kathy Lewis as Jane Friendship, friendship, just a perfect friendship When other friendships have been forgot, theirs will still be hot We're always getting awards and prizes for outstanding accomplishments There's the Academy Award for Motion Pictures, the Pulitzer Prize for the Best Plays and the Carnegie Medal for Heroism. That's the one I should get. Why? Because I live with Irma Peterson Don't get me wrong, me, Jane Stacey, I think Irma's a pretty nice kid. It's only that in her mind there's a vacuum that even Hoover couldn't duplicate For instance, the other night I came home and found Irma sitting in the apartment with the lights off So I said, honey, why are you sitting in the dark? And Irma said, well, I just made some cookies and the recipe said when Finney sat in the dark place and cool See what I mean? Irma is the least of my problems. I, unfortunately, happen to be one of those girls who is in love with the man she works for. Up until now, I felt I had the field pretty well to myself. But yesterday Richard engaged a new girl in the office, one Gloria Benson. I'm so burned up I could scream. Oh, Jane. Yeah, honey. When I picked you up for lunch yesterday, who was that new girl in the office? New girl? I hadn't even noticed her. Well, your boss Richard seemed very attentive to her. He did. That's funny. He had escaped me completely. She's very pretty. Really? I didn't even pay any attention to what she looked like. She has lovely red hair. That's Hannah. It's Hannah because I saw all the dark roots. Oh, Jane, then you are worried. Worried? Oh, honey, don't be ridiculous. I should hate to think I had to worry about some brazen little redhead with false eyelashes and a figure that she is pretty, isn't she? Well, just a look at. Don't worry, Jane. You've got a great deal more inside of you than she has inside of me. There's a comforting thought. It may interest you to know, Irma, that very few men go around carrying fluoroscopes. Hey, but, Jane, I'd hate to think you were jealous. I never get jealous of Al. Irma, why do you always have to bring his name up when we're talking about people? And, Irma, please understand, I'm not at all worried about losing Richard. In fact, I have a date with him this evening. He's coming over. Hello. Hello, Jane. This is Richard. Oh, Richard, I was just about to call you. Well, if it's about our date, Jane, I'm afraid I'll have to disappoint you. I'm staying at the office this evening. Oh, um, you need any help? No, no, Miss Benson, the new girl will be here. Oh, that's why I'm staying late. I want to show Gloria how we operate. There just isn't time during the day. You understand, don't you? Certainly I do. And goodbye, Dr. Rhinelander. Oh, Jane, what's wrong? Nothing. Then why are you chewing your hat? Oh, was I? Well, it's just a deep... Irma, how can he do this to me? I hate beasts. Yes, isn't it thrilling? Please, this is no laughing matter. Richard alone in that office with that red head. Who knows what can happen? Yeah, she's liable to get your books all mixed up. Oh, don't cry, Jane. Oh, I can't help it. Oh, but don't forget what you once told me. There are plenty of fish in the ocean. I admit they won't take the place of men, but it'll give you a hobby. Irma, just be still. I know what I'll do. I'll quit. That's what I'll do. I'll quit. Well, do you think you should? Certainly. I've been a blind fool while I've worked my last day for Richard Rhinelander. Well, it's your own fault, Jane. You should work nights like the new girl. Now, Irma, listen. My quitting is a personal matter, and I don't want the neighbors to know all about it. All right. What do you think I am, a blabbermouth? Yes. Come in. It's only me, Professor Kropotkin. Hello, Jane and Irma, my two little church steeples, one with bats in the bell free. Why, Professor? Excuse me, a little joke I picked up from a steeple, Jack. Well, girls, what's new? Jane is quitting her job. Irma. Oh, don't worry, Jane. I'm not going to tell him about the redhead who was in the office with Richard tonight. Jane, you are really quitting your job and this redhead. Please, Professor, I'd rather not talk about it. Oh, Jane, darling, don't let jealousy, that green-eyed monster, get the best of you. That's what ruined my marriage, that green-eyed monster. Jealousy? No, my wife. Just a little joke to cheer you up. I've been trying to cheer her up, too. I told Jane she can get another fellow, maybe someone like my Al. Please, Irma, a remark like that is only good for stopping hiccups. Jane, indeed. Oh, stop trying to cheer me up, the two of you. I'm a grown woman. Why should he treat me like this because of some redhead? What do men find so fascinating about these flaming redheads? I've known plenty, believe me. Their hair may look like it's on fire, but many turn out to be false alarms. Hello, Jane. Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly. Hello, Irma. Hello, Mrs. O'Reilly. Look, to me, she don't say hello. It's an intuition. She knows I hate her. I'll talk to you later. Jane, here are the socks I promised you I'd knit for Richard. Oh, thanks, Mrs. O'Reilly, but I haven't any need for them now. Irma, you can give them to Al. Oh, Jane, I don't think a girl should give her fellow socks. That's very personal. After all, that's where he keeps his feet. But Jane, darling, you wanted them especially for Richard. What happened? She had a fight with him over a redhead. Oh, Irma, be still. Don't take it to heart, Janey. Men are a dime a dozen. Take me. I'm 39. How's that again? I've been a widow for 39 years. I'm not much to look at. I'm just an old landlady. And would you believe it, the men still make eyes at me? Nowadays, a man will do anything to get a room. Believe me, Mrs. O'Reilly, when the housing shortage is over, your own cat won't go out with you. I just hear you. Oh, please, please, don't get started again. The two of you, here's the money for the socks, Mrs. O'Reilly. Thank you, Janey. Come on, Professor, the girls want to be alone. I'm leaving. And Janey, dear, don't cry. He's making you miserable now, but someday you'll be his wife, and then you'll show him what real misery is life. Jane, honey, is there anything I can do to cheer you off? No, Irma. I've reached a decision with Richard, and I'm going to go through with it. If he likes Ms. Benson, that's entirely up to him. In fact, I'm going to write him a letter of resignation immediately. I want him to get it in the mail, the first thing in the morning. Hello, Jane. Hi, chicken. Hello, Hal, honey. What made you so happy? Just got the news. They're raising the unemployment check from 20 to 25 dollars. 25 dollars? Yeah. And I think my mother wanted me to go to college. Real money? Well, ain't just counting on that. You know, little Al always got a hot deal on the fire. This one's absolutely foolproof. Oh, it sounds exciting, Al, honey. What is it? It's a special television set for watching horse races. But, Al, you can do that with any television set. I know, but this one fixes the race. Hey, Jane, do you think Richard might be interested in investing in the idea? Jane, did you hear me? Al, don't mention his name. You see, Jane and Richard are not F-P-E-E-C... Al, how do you spell speaking? Hey, Jane, is this on the level? That's right, Al. What is it, his folks? No, a redhead. Why, the big stiff, doing that to you, Janey. Oh, well, what's the difference? Al, if you'll excuse me, I'm going into the bedroom and write my letter of resignation. Poor frustrated kid. You see, chicken, how lucky you are with a guy like me. You'll never catch me running around with other dames. I got my philosophy about that. What is it, Al? All dames are the same. To me, they're like pinball machines. No matter how fancy they are, no matter how much they seem to light up and glow in the dark, you'll never get your money out of them. What do you feel about me? Oh, no, chicken. With you, it's different. You're already tilted. Well, I've scribbled a note to Richard. Who can we hear it, Jane? After all, Al and I are your best friends. We might be able to help you. Well, that's sweet of you kids. It's wonderful to have friends. Well, here it is. Mr. Richard Rhinelander, dear sir. Gee, that's nice and cold. Yeah. Dear sir, I have been in your employ for the past two years and feel I have discharged my duties rather efficiently. It wasn't entirely my fault that our business association grew into a more personal relationship. And certainly nothing I have done could justify your behavior of the past 48 hours. To wit, one redhead. By your actions, I have recognized you for what you really are. An unmitigated, uncouth, unprincipled... You left out un-American. Unscrupulous Lothario. How's that? Good, Jane. And you can tell him for all week here he can go back to Lothario where he came from. Chick and Lothario ain't a country. You're thinking of Rouet, a province in France. Al, please. I accordingly resigned my position. I never... I never want to see you again. Sincerely yours. Jane stays. Oh, gee, Jane, you must love him. Don't be silly. I hate him. Well, may all turn out for the best. You're too nice a dame to worry about that guy. Come on, kids, I'll treat you both to soda. No, thanks, Al. You two run along without me. I'm going to stay here and read the want ads. Here, Arma, you drop the letter in the mailbox. I want Richard to get it the first thing in the morning. All right, Jane. Put on your rubber's chicken. Is it raining? No, but might want to take you into a movie and then fire escapes a slippery. See you, Jane. I thought the world on a string sitting on a rainbow. Hello, Jane. Richard, you... Oh, it's you, Mr. Rhinelander. Jane, I knew that you misunderstood me over the phone and, well, that's why I rushed over here. I couldn't speak in front of Miss Benson. No explanations are necessary, Richard. If that's what you can... No, no, please, Jane, let me explain. Now, Miss Benson is the niece of a very important client that we're trying to land. Now, frankly, she bores me to death, but I have to encourage her in her work so she'll tell her uncle. And after that, we'll transfer her to the Boston office. Richard, you mean you... Oh, Jane, how could you think that? Now, she's engaged. And you know what you mean to me. And here I've spent most of this afternoon fighting with Father to get you a $10 raise. For me? Oh, Richard. Richard. Well, what's the matter? You don't look well. Why don't you take tomorrow morning off? I'll get the mail for you. I never felt better in my life. Jane, what's wrong with you? Oh, nothing. Richard, what does that sign in front of the post office say? I don't know. Something about neither rain nor snow nor fire shall prevent the mailman from doing his duty. Oh, for the days of the Pony Express. Say, ladies, how would you like to be wrapped in mink from head to toe? Well, you can by winning in the $100,000 Leave or Fur contest. So hurry and enter. Maybe you'll be saying this. Hello. Hello, Grace. Have you heard about me? I won. I won. Won what? Well, I won a $3,000 mink coat. Imagine. I can buy the coat wherever I want to. Or listen, I can have the money. Well, I can hardly believe it. A mink coat. Me. Yes, ladies. You may be a winner. Here are 1,645 prizes in all. 329 each week. Yes, each week, those are the prizes being awarded. One $3,000 mink coat. Three $1,000 fur coats. Five smart fur jackets worth $500, as well as many other valuable furs and prizes of cash. Here's all you do. In 25 words or less, tell why you like any one of these lever products. Swan soap, luxe flakes, luxe toilet soap, life boy, rinse-o, or spray. And close a wrapper or box top from one of those six lever products. Enter as often as you wish each week. First contest closes Sunday night, February 8th. Entries received after that date will be entered in the following contest. Important. Be sure to get an entry blank from your dealer. It will give you all the information you need. Here's a hint. Sincerity counts. Use your own words. Print your name and address and the name and address of your dealer. He'll help you. Mail your entries to lever fur contest box one, New York eight, New York. That address again, lever fur contest box one, New York eight, New York. Well, this time little Jane Stacey really pulled off a butte. Richard has turned out to be the swellest guy that ever lived. And I, like a fool, had to write him a letter calling him more names than there are in the vocabulary of a sailor's parrot. Oh, if he ever gets that letter. Well, that's the end. That's all. I'm going out of my mind thinking of ways to get it back before he reads it. Irma. What, Jane? How am I going to keep that letter from Richard? Oh, it's simple. What do you mean? Well, why don't you elope with him tonight? Then tomorrow you'll have the right to open his mail. Oh. Irma, be sensible. You, wait a minute. Wait a minute. You've given me an idea. I won't open his mail. I'll just get to the office at seven in the morning and get the letter from the mailing room before it's distributed. Well, how will you get up so early? By going to bed right now. Irma, you put that book down, turn out the lights. Come on. Oh, but this book is so interesting. It's all about dreams. Dreams? Yes, it explains them. You have no idea what goes on in a person's mind when they're unconscious. I have a rough idea. Of course, I don't believe at all. This book says if a girl puts a piece of wedding cake under a pillow and dreams, she'll soon get married. Well, honey, why don't you try it? I have, but I get hungry in the middle of the night and I eat up my future. Well, come on, sweetie. Put the book down. Now, you know you get nightmares when you're reading bed. Like the other night you woke up screaming that you were cold and you wanted someone to stop the horse. Oh, yes, I'll never read later to Goddive again. Now, come on, sweetie, turn out the lights. This is one night that I must not oversleep. All right, Jane, just give me a moment to do my face. Let's see. Oh, first the cold cream. See this stuff is so chilly. Why don't they make hot cold cream? I'll tell them. Please hurry up, honey. Come on. All right, now cleansing cream, all night cream, all-purpose cream, beauty cream, sour cream. Sour cream? Yes, I'm hungry. Come on, honey. Come to bed. Well, in a minute, Jane, it takes a while to get all this makeup off. Yeah, I know, honey, but I've seen them get the barnacles off of battleship in less time. Well, now I'm finished. Now I just want to fix these curlers in my hair. All right. Irma, I'm sure you can do that faster. Every curl doesn't have to spell Al. Well, I like to keep him on my mind. Well, here goes the light. Good night, Jane. Good night, honey. Do you mind if I open the window? Oh, no, no, leave it closed, Irma. It's raining. But I can't sleep with the window closed. Well, try for my sake, huh? All right. Good night. Good night, honey. Jane. Jane. Gee, she must have been tired of sleep already. Now I can open the window. Oh, Richard. Richard isn't Niagara Falls beautiful. I can feel the spray in my face. Irma. Irma, the window's open. I'm getting soaked. Oh, I'm sorry, Jane. I didn't think it would come in. I'll close it. Oh, honey, please. Will you go to sleep? I must be at the office at seven. All right, Jane. Good night. Good night. Oh, Jane. What now, Irma? My foot itches. Well, scratch it. My cat is on your side of the bed. You're closer. All right. Good night. Where? There. Okay. Thank you. Good night, Irma. Good night, Jane. Jane. Oh, Jane. What is it? Are you awake? No. Are you sure? Absolutely. But you spoke to me. I talk in my sleep. Oh, Irma, darling, what's wrong now? I can't sleep. Well, try counting sheep. All right. One, two, three, five, six, eight, nine, 11, 12. What happened to four, seven, and 10? Those are black sheep, and I can't see them in the dark. If you don't let me sleep, I will scream. Oh, no, you'll wake everybody up. Good night, Irma. Good night, Jane. Irma, get off your knees and stop pleading. Oh, now I've really got trouble. She's talking in her sleep. How dare you try to kiss me? I'm engaged to Al, so you had better go. Go, do you hear me, Van Johnson? Mother. Irma, Irma, honey, get up. Get up, Irma. Huh? Oh, Jane, I had the most terrible nightmare. I didn't know what I was doing. You're telling me. You sent Van Johnson away and asked for Al. And to me, that's like sending back steak and begging for horse meat. Gee, Jane, why do I get these nightmares? Well, honey, try sleeping on your back. It makes me snore. Oh. Well, try sleeping on your stomach. No, I might smother. Why don't you try sleepwalking and get out of here? I've got to get up early. Well, Jane, take my advice and go right to sleep. Oh, mother. Oh, no. No, this is all a dream. Who is it? Girls, it's only me, Professor Kropakkin. Let me in this emergency. Oh, well, wait till we slip into robes, Professor. Girls, I hate to bother you, but maybe you got some pots and pans. You cooking now? Who's cooking? It's raining and the water is coming through the room. Tell Mrs. O'Reilly. Don't be silly. She'll charge me for swimming privileges. Please, please ask Mrs. O'Reilly or ask the Martins or ask anybody, but I've got to get some sleep. Good night. All right. All right, Jane, don't get excited. I'll tread water tonight. Oh, Irma, it's past midnight. I'm just getting panicky. If I'm not in that office by seven, my world is ended. Irma Peterson, if you have any love for me at all, please go to sleep. All right. Gee, I guess I shouldn't have read that book about dreams. Please turn out the light and get in bed or I will... Say we're not in. Okay. Check it. It's me. Yeah. Oh, what is this? Grand Central Station? Where do we get our robes on, Al? We're not decent. Jane, don't have an inferiority complex. We're just as nice as anyone. Maybe a week or two. Didn't mean to barge in on you. Just left the boys and saw you like... Hey, chicken, this is the first time I ever seen you with all the junk on your face that dames use when they go to bed. Interesting, isn't it? Interesting. If you put a cherry on your nose, you could pass for an ice cream sundae. Gal, it's not that I'm an unfriendly person. I like company as much as the next girl, but not at 1.30 in the morning. Get it, Al? What are you so nervous about, Janey? Oh, Al, Richard and I patched up our quarrel, and there happens to be a letter in the mail in which I call him everything in the world, and I must stop that letter. Say, Irma, the kids got right. Recognize your predicament, Jane. Must stop that letter. How, Al? Only one man who can help us. Who, Al? Who else but... Hello, Joe. Al, got a problem. Joe, who do you know at the post office? Oh, all them guys whose pictures are on the walls. Now, no, Joe, we're trying to stop a letter that's been mailed. How do I do it? Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Mm-hmm. You do not wish to tamper with the government because most of your family is with the government. Oh, where, Joe? On an island in the Pacific? For what island, Joe? Oh, Alcatraz. Understand your point, Joe, and respect your desire not to travel. Good night, Joe. Looks like you're in a tough spot, Janey. Oh, look, Al, thanks for trying, but if you'll just let me get some sleep, I'll stop that letter myself in the morning. Okay, Jane. Good night, chicken. Al, I know my face is all covered with cold cream, but would you like to just peck me on the cheek? Can't take a chance, chicken. Might slip and bite off your nose. Good night and pleasant dreams, chicken. Good night, Al, honey. Good night, Al, honey. Just sit here and talk about it, Al. Oh, Irma, will you turn out the lights? My goodness, it's almost two and I should get up at six. How will I get eight hours sleep in four hours? Well, you can drag it out. Sleep's low. Irma, for the last time, if you make one more sound until I tell you, so help me, I don't know what I'll do. You have my promise. Good night. Irma, the telephone. Yes, it's ringing. Well, answer it. It's on your side of the bed. Oh, all right, all right, I'll get it. What? Richard? Oh my goodness, what time is it? Irma, it's noon. I know. Why didn't you wake me? You told me not to make a sound until I heard from you. Oh, Richard, there's something I must tell you. You see the letter, Richard? I mean, I just, excuse me a minute. Richard, don't worry, he knows, he knows. Oh, Jane, you're crying. Here, I have some Kleenex in my purse. Oh, Jane, look. What? You're going to hate me. Why? I forgot to mail the letter. Oh, Richard. Oh, and it's nothing, Richard. No, nothing happened. I just overslapped. Crying? Oh, that's ridiculous. Of course, I think the world of you, I always have thought the world of you. I never thought anything different. I'll be right down, Richard. Oh, Irma, you are a darling, Irma. Jane, you kissed me. And I'll do it again. All right, but don't tell Ali so jealous. Ladies, make your bath a real pleasure and a beauty bath at the same time with white floating swan soap. You can because swan's exclusive super-creamed blend gives you a wonderful new kind of beauty lather for your bath. Rich, creamy lather that cleanses gently then rinses away so completely your skin is left fresh, smooth, lovely as ever. Yes, it's the perfect bath soap. Super-creamed swan soap. My friend Irma, presented by swan, another pine product of Lieberbrothers Company was produced and directed by Psy Howard. Tonight's script was written by Psy Howard and Park Levy. Frank Mingman speaking. Sprite. Cakes are light and high. Sprite. There's a reason why. Sprite. Cakes improve with Sprite. Rely on Sprite. You bet there's a reason why Sprite is the cake making wonder. Sprite has an amazing cake improver secret. Try the sure Sprite one bowl way and be certain of lighter, finer, richer cakes every time. No other type of shortening has Sprite's cake improver secret. For new cake making success, rely on Sprite. Pure all vegetable Sprite with cake improver. Rely on Sprite. S-P-R-Y. Tune in next week one hour earlier and listen to the Lux Radio Theater immediately followed by my friend Irma. This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System.