 And that's an important second question because there will be times where yeah sure in the moment having a cupcake might make you happy But if your goal is losing weight or your value Is competing against yourself to reach that half marathon goal Then eating that cupcake in the moment and your friend putting it in front of you Or in michael's case a juicy steak might not be A friend who's actually in support of your values and goals What's up everybody and welcome to the show today We drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that You're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like and share our videos with your friends In order for us to get in touch with our self-awareness. We need to have a goal And we need to be honest with ourselves Why we haven't hit that goal or what we need to do to reach that goal specifically Being honest with ourselves or what our low value behaviors That we exhibit the drive other people crazy that we exhibit that may make other people uncomfortable Or awkward or walk around on eggshells. And i'm what i'm speaking about is low value behaviors And one of the things that we discuss and that we've centered this company around is becoming a high value person Which is a journey in and itself one that never ends it is the idea of being A high value person and shooting for being able to say the right things and do the right things at the right time But perfect is the enemy of of done And so it's a lifelong journey to become better and better every day So when you focus on behaviors that are holding you back when you focus on behaviors that are hurting you And you start to work to get better Now you're aware of them And every day that you implement different strategies or change different behaviors or being mindful of the old ones Bringing in the new ones. You're now very aware of them Which in turn then opens up those behaviors and actions and other people So you're now going to see those and other people because you've been focusing on them in your life And I have news for everybody who's listening to this If you recognize lots of low value behaviors that you exhibit Guess what your social circle is comprised of A lot of people who exhibit those behaviors because they can relate to you You're in the same sort of mindset and headspace to where those behaviors are acceptable So then when you remove them and you're striving Then you begin to see those in yourself You start to see them and other people and then you realize what you have just What you are crawling out of a social circle where low value behaviors are acceptable Because that's what attracted everyone to you We we attract what we are which leads to our second question Which is is this person accepting of my values and goals? So if we think about that first question, is this person adding happiness to my life? We are not heedless. If you listen to this show, you know that we are not just about the pursuit of feeling good We understand that happiness is linked to the journey not the destination And that's an important second question because there will be times where yeah, sure in the moment having a cupcake might make you happy But if your goal is losing weight or your value is competing against yourself to reach that half marathon goal Then eating that cupcake in the moment and your friend putting it in front of you Or in michael's case a juicy steak might not be A friend who's actually in support of your values and goals might simply be there for hedonistic reasons to indulge you Feeling good in the moment, which is not to be confused with happiness and sometimes We need that extra push from that workout buddy to remind us what our goals and values are And we need that extra push from a person in our life If we are facing self doubt if we are facing intense self criticism to remind us And to show us the compassion that we need to get through that And I think this one this second question really hits to the core I think it's easy to get caught up on the first one and just be like, okay Well, I want to surround myself with people to put a smile on my face But as we know life is not just around happiness there are a lot of emotions that come at us through life And are the people that you're surrounding yourself with aligned on your values aligned on your pursuit of becoming high Value as we define it aligned on the goals that you have in your career in your personal life in your social life And that second one can be hard for some of us to find which is what a lot of our x-factor accelerator members enjoy About the network that we've built Because when you surround yourself with people who are accepting of your values and your goals you reach those goals faster Because you stay aligned you stay on track You don't have those moments where not only does your criticism creep in But the criticism of your friends family co-workers creep in and can somehow Cause us to get off track to fall off of our goals Now here's the thing that does not mean that they share the exact same values or the exact same goals I can be supportive of johnny Going after a creative endeavor of putting together an album based on his pandemic experience Even though i'm not creative even though i'm not a musician and that's not important to me That's not my value much like johnny can be supportive of me Trying to get better golfing and trying to compete against myself to unlock a skill that I want to enjoy for the rest of my life And johnny doesn't necessarily have to enjoy golf to feel that way to support me So that's important to realize we're not looking for oh Is this person put a smile on my face and do they exactly align with all of my values and share them completely? Because if we were to do that We know that that would lead to just a handful of people out of the six billion people on this planet So we want to make sure that we're also open and accepting of our friends values and of their goals And as johnny said is showing up not in a low value way Taking attention from others begging for that approval and acceptance Competing for it arguing over it or the other low value behaviors. We've talked about on this show before We drop great content each and every week and we want to make sure that you guys get notified and in order to do that You're gonna have to smash that subscribe button and hit that notification bell And if you've gotten a lot of value out of this make sure you give us a like And share our videos with your friends So let's jump into the seven signs of toxic people And as we go through these as I said, this is a bit of a self-assessment exercise as well So think about your closest friends and not only how they show up for you, but reciprocally How do you show up for them? So Number one the first sign and this one I think will resonate with a lot of our listeners who have struggled with toxic relationships They try to control you People who aren't in control of their own lives tend to want to control yours They look for ways to control others in order for them to feel better And these will either be through overt methods or subtle manipulation But the result is the same You are controlled your push and directions that you don't want to be in It's that friend that enabler that friend who encourages the second drink or the third cupcake or tells you Just stay out. You don't have to go to berry's boot camp in the morning. Why do you have to go on that long run? We're having so much fun right now in the moment And that control is not respectful of your goals and values It's also difficult to spot. Um, I think it sounds very easy To hear well toxic people are going to try and control you yet when when you're in the situation there there might be this blurry area between us this person giving me good advice because it does make me happy, right? The the second cupcake the the third beer it does make me happy, but Is this subtle control? Is this subconscious control or is this simply good advice and someone taking care of me? And I think the the answer to that is more in the long term It's not that one time you get a second second Cupcake put in front of you or the the first time you have that second beer bought for you But it's that hey, it's now, you know one month later and we're still doing kind of the same thing I think this is like in the long term not bringing out the best in me And I think the reason that this is happening is the subtle influence by by this person I might have to bring it up. Well, let's talk about that subtle influence and what we're discussing here A lot of this has to do with Framing and the frame in which you're viewing the world around you And let's just say that Michael and I have been friends for years We knew each other since kindergarten in a little german town and All of a sudden one day Michael decides that he wants to make some changes in his life because due to how he had been living He's began to get become unhappy and he was looking to make changes in his life Which means he has to step out of his comfort zone In order to make decisions that enact behaviors that he is Still learning that are they're not ingrained and he has to make a conscious effort This is now the the conscious incompetence Knowing that things are wrong and then trying to make those those changes Now just to paint a picture since we're talking about kindergarten and the 80s the The proposed behavior change would probably I got to stop drinking that much beer But back back to you just wanted people to take a picture of this might what But I like old Michael because Michael used to drink with me and we used to have those beers And now he's deciding not to now if Michael decides to spend time with me and also He's going to try to spend time with me and not drink He the dilemma is that these are new behaviors That he is uncomfortable He is now in my frame where i'm the most comfortable because this is what we've been doing for years So the frame and the the world view that I am in this is okay This is what we've been doing for years. This is what you and I have done together Michael So I don't understand why you're just not accepting of it and and and just relax and have another beer with me And in order for Michael to advance to get ahead to make these changes He might have to disconnect for a little bit because the frame That he's in when he's around me puts him in a reactive position of well If I just maybe have this one it'll be okay because we're old friends and it's just a celebration But if Michael is really serious in making these changes, he has to strengthen his frame And by doing that that takes time He needs to Engrain these new behaviors and mindsets that allow him to strengthen that So that there'll be a point where Michael can hang out with me while i'm drinking And my frame doesn't overtake him And perhaps Michael's new frame is so strong That I might go along and decide Michael looks so happy now. He looks so fit He's just so much more happier. Perhaps it's time that I quit having these drinks But that that battle will go on which is why it is important to not only Understand your actions and behaviors and and be aware of how they affect you and others around you But also to understand the behaviors and actions that you're trying to leave or readjusting from your old social circle And why it is difficult if you continue to be involved in that social circle the fight that is on your hands And that fight takes it takes effort. It takes energy And this is a question that we get a lot How do I change someone's behavior someone who is in my life right and the quick answer I don't want to go into that in too much detail but the quick answer is you lead by example and you show them that it's possible and You hope for them to follow