 J-E-L-L-O! The Jello Program starring Jack Betty with Mary Livingston, Phil Harris, Dennis Day, and yours truly, Don Wilson. The orchestra opens a program with, I must have one kiss, kiss, kiss. If you ever had a chance to peek into some of the quaint old cookbooks of centuries past, you may have noticed that many of the meat recipes begin with the amusing words, first, catch your foul. Well, in much the same way, many of the finest dessert recipes today might begin with, first, get some jello, for with jello in your kitchen covered, you're all set to make some of the grandest desserts you ever dreamed of. No matter how you serve it, jello will prove the masterpiece of the meal. Perfectly plain in a mold of brilliant color, crimson strawberry, golden lemon, or sea green lime. Cut into shimmering little cubes or whipped up into a beautiful fluffy lightness, or molded in colorful layers. Jello is always extra good because it has extra rich flavor, a flavor that rivals the real ripe fruit itself. Just be sure to get genuine jello when you buy because the name jello is a trademark, the property of general foods. So look for those big red letters on the box. They spell jello. That was, I must have one more kiss, kiss, kiss played by the orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, once again, we bring you our master of ceremonies. That genial host of Beverly Hills, whose Thanksgiving party last Thursday will never be forgotten. I'll never forget it. Quiet, Mary. A man who spared no expense to ensure the success of this delightful occasion. Mary, please. A man whose social gatherings have made him the talk to the film colony. Thank you, Don. A host at whose dinners the second cup of coffee is always free, Jack Benny. Thank you. Jello again, this is Jack Benny talking. And, Don, I'm glad you had such a nice time at my Thanksgiving party. But what did you mean the second cup of coffee was free? Oh, I was only kidding, Jack. Mary was ribbing you, so I thought I'd join in. It was really a grand evening. Well, thanks, Don. And it's for you, Ms. Livingston. That's the last time you'll ever have dinner at my house. Oh, Jack, don't be so touchy. Well, who wouldn't be? Gee, you're getting so sensitive lately. It's simply awful. Just the same. You're not eating at my house anymore. Who cares? My ticket is punched out anyway. My, that's comical. You know, it seems strange, Mary, but you're the only one that gets bored when I invite the gang over. Hey, Phil. What is it, Jackson? Did you have a good time at my Thanksgiving party? Yeah, it's the first time I ever got a hangover from a turkey. Phil, you don't have to tell me how you got a hangover. You were doing all right long before you came to my house. What do you mean? When I opened the front door, you fell in like a body in a murder mystery. Not only that, you brought me a manhole cover. So don't blame it on the turkey, eh, Don? You're right, Jack. Firstly, I thought the turkey had a delicious flavor, although it was a little tough. Tough? Why, Don, how can you say that? It was as tender as it could be. A turkey wasn't a bit tough. Go on. It had muscles like Earl Leederman. No, it did. Well, it's too bad it was so viral. Next time, I'll get a turkey that walks around with his wing on his hip. Maybe you'll like that better. And oh, boy, the soup you served. You know, Phil, it reminded me of that new picture. What picture? The rings came. Well, I suppose it wasn't a hit. Listen, fellas, if my party was such a big flop, how did it happen to crash the newspapers? It was right on the society page of the Beverly Hills citizen. The Beverly Hills citizen? Yes, Don. I got it right here. Get this. Here, read it to him, Mary. OK. Do you suffer from itchy skin? If so, try. It's on the other side. Here, give me that. I'll read it. Listen, fellas, Jack Benny entertains. That's the headline. Last Thursday night at his cozy home on Roxbury Drive, Jack Benny, star of Stage Screen and Radio, gave the outstanding party of the social season. Among those present were Mary Livingston, Don Wilson, Mrs. Lucretia Day and her son Dennis, Phil Harris, Andy Devine, and Mr. Homer T. Schmink. Homer T. Schmink? Who was he? Oh, he was the fella that delivered the ice cream and wouldn't go home. Go ahead, Mary. You're reading it. Oh, yes. Among those unable to attend this scintillating event were Clark Gable and Carol Lombard. Here they come, folks. Robert Taylor and Barbara Stanwyck, Tyrone Power and Annabella, the Fred McMurray's, and Mrs. Homer T. Schmink. A good time was had by all. How's that for a write-up? Let me see that, Jack. Here you are, Mary. Look at that big print on top. Jack Benny entertains. Yeah, and look at that little print at the bottom. A-D-V-T. A-D-V-T. Yes, that means an ad, and you paid for it. It means nothing of the kind. Now, wait a minute, Jackson. A-D-V-T means a paid ad in any newspaper in the country. Not in this case, Phil. Then what does it mean? A-D-V-T means a dinner with turkey. That's what it means. With turkey? Yes, with turkey. Oh, Jack, you're wonderful. All right, Mary, I don't care what you say, I consider that a very lovely nerdist. It certainly was, Jack. It certainly was, Jack. And you know what I enjoyed most at the party? What, Don? The games we played afterwards. Gee, it was fun, wasn't it? Yeah, those games are silly, but it's great when you play the old ones, like spin the bottle, pin the tail on the donkey. Holy smokes, did we play games? Yes, Phil, we pinned the tail on you eight times and you didn't even feel it. And you know why? No fooling me. Say, Jackson, I meant to ask you something. Who was that cute girl I was dancing with all evening? Forget it, Phil. Oh, no, who was that girl I was dancing with? You know the one in the ermine rap. Phil, I said, forget it. Forget it, nothing. She was a cute kid, and I want to call her up. All right, Phil, that cutie was Carmichael. That's who you were dancing with. I thought she had a cold nose. You and Carmie were certainly the life of the party. Oh, hello, Dennis. Hello, Mr. Benny. Gee, I had a good time at your house Thursday night. The dinner was swell. Well, I'm glad you liked it, Dennis. And incidentally, you're still new on the program and I don't want to be bossy or anything, but you know, we never chew gum during a broadcast. So please throw it away. I'm not chewing gum. Now, Dennis. This is a piece of turkey from your Thanksgiving party. Well, you must have got the only tough piece. Your mother didn't have any trouble, Dennis. She had two wings and a drumstick. Where is she? Flat on her back. Why, Dennis, you mean your mother's ill? There you are. The turkey got her. Phil, it couldn't have been the turkey. Well, maybe it was the dressing. Don, it wasn't the turkey and it wasn't the dressing. Couldn't have been the butter. We didn't have any. Listen, Mary, you don't need butter when you have gravy. You can put gravy on the bread. Supposing you don't like gravy. Then stay home for heaven's sake. A big issue over butter and gravy. Now, let's forget about my party. I don't know what you kids are complaining about. I got a big piece of butter. I certainly all you had to do was ask for it. Don asked for a piece of butter and I gave it to him. He had to burn his finger first. Well, then what's the argument? Butter is very good on a burn. I suppose it's no good on bread. All right. The next time you fellas come to my house, I'm going to have nothing but butter. Just plain butter. A great big hunk of butter. Should we come formal? Yeah, come formal. Let's drop it. Now, Dennis. Yes, please. Let's have your song, please, before I lose my temper, please. You and your please. You wouldn't talk like that if my mother was here. No, I wouldn't, eh? Listen, Dennis, I'll meet your mother any time, any place. Any weight. And that goes for your father, too. If you can lick mother, you got a cinch with pa. I wouldn't be surprised. Now go ahead with your song. Shall we come formal? Faithful Forever sung by Dennis Day in a company by the orchestra who were still playing. I must have one more kiss, kiss, kiss. And you both did very well. By the way, Dennis, I'm sorry I spoke so sharply to you a little while ago, but I was rather annoyed, and I took it out on you. Oh, that's all right, Mr. Benny. You're about the only one around here who shows me any respect. So just keep on being a good boy. That's all I ask. You know, there's a certain formula for getting along with me, Dennis. Be grateful, act polite. And let Jack save your money. Nice going, Mary. Listen, Mary, I've had just about enough of those insults and gags at my expense. If you and Geronimo don't like it here. Ha, ha, ha, ha. Why don't you go out and get your own program? We've been thinking about that. Oh, you have? Sure, there are plenty of jobs for a guy like me. Oh, there are. Well, Phil, let me ask you something. Have you ever driven your car across the Mojave Desert? Sure, why? Well, did you ever notice that just before you start across the desert, right on the edge of it, there's a gas station that says Last Chance? Yeah, what about it? Well, three years ago, when you got a job on this program, I was that gas station. Just remember that. What are you talking about? Three years ago, my band was the hottest thing in town. Sure it was the hottest thing in town. You were working in a barbecue pit. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. Sam's rib joint. Music while you munch. So don't tell me. Well, we all have her ups and downs. I'm considered the top band leader today. Oh, you are, eh? Right now, I'm at the pinocchio of my career. Pinocchio? Oh, boy, what a guy. You know, Phil, sometimes when I look at you, all I can do is shake my head. Just shake my head. You wouldn't if you could stop it. A good stiff collar will take care of that. And you, Ms. Livingston, what I said about Mr. Harris goes for you, too. You're very lucky to be here. Is that so? Yes, that's so. You were on this program two years before you realized I wasn't a floor walker. And take that pencil out of your hair. Boy, am I clicking tonight. That's your teeth. Oh, my. My head shakes and my teeth click. I'm doing quite a rumba above my shoulder. Now get away from me. Oh, my goodness, Jack, but you're sure cracking the whip tonight. Quiet, Wilson. I'll give you just two seconds to say something about Jello. Yes, sir. Ladies and gentlemen, the next time you go to your neighborhood grocer, be sure to ask him for a package of Jello. It comes in six delicious flavors. Well, what are they? Name them. Yes, sir. Strawberry, raspberry, cherry, orange, lemon, and lime. All right, what do you look for? What do you look for? Be sure to look for the big red letters on the box. They spell Jello. OK, now go and sit down. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we'll have a number by Phil Harris and his orchestra. Get moving, buddy. Yes, Mr. Ligre. Well, snap into it. What are you laughing at? You remind me of another picture. Never mind. The devil is a sissy. Well, maybe I did lose my head. Play, Phil. Gee, I'm a regular Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde. East of the border played by Phil Harris and his orchestra. And now, ladies and gentlemen, wait a minute. That was south of the border. I know, Phil. That was just my way of saying you were off the beam. And now, ladies and gentlemen. Now, hold on, Jack. Perhaps it's none of my business. And I don't want to try to run things around here. But don't you think you ought to calm down a little? Well. Don't let everything get your gold. Well, I guess you're right, Dom. Maybe I did fly off the handle tonight. But I'm not going to let it happen again. The next party I give, I won't invite anybody. And there won't be any complaints. I'll just sit there all by myself. Just me. Just plain me. And a big hunk of butter. At least I'll be happy. That's not asking too much. Well, Jack, I just can't hold out any longer. This whole thing was a rib. A rib? Yeah, every one of us thought that dinner of yours was marvelous. No kidding, Jack. The turkey was delicious. Best I ever tasted. Oh, it was, eh? Yeah, the piece I got is swell. Well, Dennis, stop chewing it. Give up already. So you fellas enjoyed the turkey, eh? We sure did. Well, kids, I can't hold out any longer either. To show you guys you know nothing about food. That bird I served Thursday night wasn't turkey at all. It wasn't turkey? No, it wasn't. It was duck, wild duck. I shot him myself. Who held him? Nobody held him. I shot him right out of the air. Mary was with me. You mean when we were out hunting with Annie Devine? Yeah, so don't pan the food, fellas, when you don't even know what you're eating. So you went duck hunting with Annie, huh? Was it fun? Oh, you should have been there, Don. Jack was a scream. Never mind. Boy, well, he doesn't know about a gun. I know plenty about guns, Mary. When I was on the rifle team in Warkeegan, they used to call me Bullseye Benny. Bullseye. I can make it shorter than that. All right, forget it. What happened at the duck hunt, Mary? Well, it's not important. Well, Jack and I left Tuesday and stayed overnight at Annie's ranch. I see. And about 4 o'clock the next morning, I was down in the kitchen helping Annie's mother get breakfast. Uh-huh. Well, anyway, Annie went upstairs to wake up Jack. And pretty soon, we heard him hollering. Hey, Buck, it's 4 o'clock. Hey, Buck, it's 4 o'clock. Come on, we got to get going. Hello again. Oh, hello, Andy. What's the matter? Well, if you want to shoot any ducks, we better get started. OK, Andy. I'll be dressing a bit. Oh, boy, I'm tired. Gee, Buck, you sure look funny in that nightgown. What's wrong with my nightgown? You look like a bride with that long train. That's not a train. My zipper got caught in the sheet. Where's Mary? She's downstairs with Ma, getting breakfast ready. What, Mary Livingston up at 4 o'clock in the morning? Oh, boy, I bet she's grouchy. Oh, no, Buck. She's cheerful as a lark. Oh, she can't be. She is, too. I'm telling the story. Well, anyway, Don, Andy came downstairs and Jack went over to the bunkhouse to wake up Rochester. Oh, was Rochester with you? Yeah, Jack thought he'd make a good retriever. So Jack went over to get Rochester, and he had an awful time waking him up. You could hear him yelling at the top of his voice. Rochester. Hey, Rochester. Come on, Rochester. Rochester, we've got to get going. Rochester, wake up. What time is it, sugar? It's 4 o'clock, and it's me. Now, get up. Can I sleep a little longer? No, you can't. The ducks are waiting for us. Boss, anything that waits for me at 4 o'clock in the morning better pull up a chair and relax. Don't be silly, Rochester. How can a duck pull up a chair? Sit down, boss, and we'll discuss it. Never mind. Now, you get up out of that bed and make it snappy. Come on. It's dark outside. Now, quit stalling. I'll give you just three to get up. One, two, three. Rochester, if you don't get up right away, you're going to miss breakfast. I'm going to score and lunch, too. All right, very well. I'm going into breakfast right now. And for your information, Rochester, we're having pork chops. Central Avenue Fizzin. Here I come, boss. I thought so. Now, hurry it up. Well, Don, it was about 5 o'clock when we finished breakfast, and then we started out for the duck pond. But, Mary, you're not allowed to shoot ducks that early in the morning, are you? No, Don, we had to wait about an hour, but you could hear them all over the place. There were hundreds of them. Oh, boy, get a load of those ducks. Give me my gun, Rochester. There's a baby I got my eye on. Here you are, boss. And wait a minute, Buck. You can't shoot any ducks till 7 o'clock. Oh, yes, darn it. Why don't you take a shot at that tree, just for practice? Practice? Don't worry about me, Mary. I've handled a gun before. Yeah, but it had a cork on the end of it. I mean a shotgun. Say, Buck, I meant to tell you that gun I'll let you have has got a powerful kick when it goes off. Better be careful. Oh. You're worse than Mary. I got a gun at home just like this, a 12 millimeter. Millimeter? You mean gauge? Well, whatever it is, I got one. I know how to handle it. Just the same. You ought to try it out. OK, I'll show you. Get some fancy shooting. See that orange hanging on that tree over there? Watch me knock it off. That's the sun. It just came up. Well, I'll show you something else. Here's a real trick. Hey, Rochester, put this tin can on your head and hold still. I'll win him, boss. Come on, Rochester. Put this can on your head and I'll shoot it all. Don't be scared. That's fine. The sun is an orange, and he tells me not to be scared. Rochester, it's a very simple trick. I saw a man do it in Vorderville. Well, Vorderville's dead, and I ain't going to tell him to move over. Oh, boy, what a baby. Didn't you ever hear the story about William Tell? He shot an apple off his son's head. Well, get him. I'll wait. All right, if you don't want to play, don't play. I never saw a guy worry so much. Hey, Andy, come here a minute. What do you want, buck? Hold your cigarette up in the air. I'll shoot it out of your fingers. Nothing doing, buck. I got to unlace my shoes tonight. Oh, what a game. No one's game to do anything. Well, if you want to try out the gun, why don't you shoot at that elm tree over there? All right, I'll bore a hole right through it. Now, be careful of that gun. It kicks like a mule. Oh, Andy, let me alone, will you? Now, watch, everybody. I'm aiming right for that tree. As opposed to I don't have a holy gun, eh? Now, wait a minute, buck. Just close one eye. Oh, that's right. And take your finger out of your ear. Mary, don't distract me. All right, here I go. Ready, aim, fire. Oh. You missed it, buck. Yeah. Pick me up, Andy. You were right about that gun. Oh, Jack, look at that big block of ducks over there in that cove. Big fat one. Yeah, let's sneak over and hide the bushes. Yeah, we'll be all ready for them at 7 o'clock. I'll be quiet, everybody. See, Andy, how many ducks are we allowed to get? I mean, what's the limit? 10 of bees. Oh, boy, 20 ducks. Now, remember, Rochester, all the ducks I shoot, you'll have to carry home. Boys, if a duck flies slow enough for you to hit, he's too old to eat. Don't worry, you just swim out and get him every time I hit him. Here we are now. Oh, Jack, look at that cute little duck in the water, and it's sound asleep. Yeah, I'll wake that baby up in a few minutes. No, you won't. Look what he's got around his neck. What? An alarm clock, and it's set for a quarter to seven. Oh, don't be silly. Gee, I wish it was time already. I can hardly wait until I start glassing away at him. Take it easy, Buck. I will, Andy, but, gee, I'm kind of anxious to get him. Oh, darn it. Buck, I told you not to shoot before 7 o'clock. I didn't shoot, Andy. I dropped my gun and went off by accident. What's that? You got a duck, boss? Yeah, it is. Oh, boy, and I wasn't even looking at it. Only nine to go, kids. Wow, this is fun. What a duck. Gee, it's a beauty, isn't it, Jack? Yeah, it is pretty. Gee. Look at those eyes. Yeah, look at those eyes. Gosh, I didn't know ducks had blue eyes. And look at that sad face. Ain't it sad-looking? Gee, I didn't mean to kill them. What's the matter, Buck? Nothing, Andy. Look at that poor little duck. Gosh, I don't see how people can kill a little thing like that. Well, it wasn't your fault, Jack. I know it wasn't, Mary, but gosh, blue eyes. And just think, a minute ago, it was alive. Flying through the air, happy and gay. It didn't-it didn't-it didn't know it was going to die. Oh, I don't know why I came out here. Oh, Buck, it was just an accident. You'll get over it. I won't get over it. You're not to blame, Jack. I am too. I'm a murderer. That's what I am. A murderer. Killer Benny. Come on, Mary. Let's go home. Rochester, you stay here with Mr. Divine. Not me, boys. I can't stand it. I'm going home with you. I deserve your so sad. Put down that duck. So long, Andy. So long, Buck. I don't know. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So long. So you see, Don, that's exactly what happened when Jack went on a hunting trip. But, Mary, if that's the case, where did Jack get the wild ducks for the dinner? He bought them in a market and they weren't any wilder than he is. Well, at least my conscience is clear. I can sleep nights. Play, Phil. In all foreign visitors to this country, look upon the average American supper table as one of the wonders of the world, and I agree with them. Why, every night of the year, the American table laden with foods that are fit for a king. Yet they're common items in the simplest American menu. Such delicacies, for example, is jello chocolate pudding, a rich, marvellously smooth dessert that's cramped. It has a full satisfying flavor like the old-fashioned pudding your mother used to make. But jello chocolate pudding is quick and easy. You can serve it in any number of tempting ways, dressed up with whipped cream, chopped nuts or maraschino cherries. You can make a swell chocolate pie filling with it, or use it for a satin smooth chocolate sauce. Here's jello butterscotch pudding with its warm, mellow, golden taste, and a jello vanilla pudding, delicate and creamy and extra luscious with fruits or nuts folded in. They're all swell to eat. They're all easy to make. So get jello puddings tomorrow. Chocolate, butterscotch, and vanilla, and you'll know why all America is raving about these new desserts. We're a little late, so good night, folks. J-E-S-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L-L The National Bob Justin Company.