 Hello and welcome to Jonathan from the Heart. I'm Jonathan Astley of JonathanAstley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this short video for you today. Our topic, his silence means this. Get really quickly. If you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button. Hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Also, these are my weekend videos I shoot out on my balcony. Very similar to the videos I do in my private group called Midlife Love Mastery. This is a group where you can have direct access to me on a regular basis for a nominal fee. And if you post questions in the group I shoot personalized videos just for you. Alright, and check out the link below. Alright, we're going to talk about when a guy goes silent, what it means and why they're testing you, and what to do about it. Okay, so I have to start off by sharing that I was watching a video from one of my contemporaries today talking about how men want to earn the prize, that you ladies are the prize, and that men are chivalrous and they're going to want to earn you. And I'm thinking to myself, what planet does this coach live on? I mean, how many men are actually consciously thinking, I need to earn this person? Now, some might say, well, men are hunters and men are chasers, so we naturally hunt and chase. But the problem with this narrative that you're hearing, and I'll get to the silence piece in a second, the problem with a lot of this rhetoric is that it sets men up for that small percentage of, by the way, never do that in front of a guy, the small percentage of men out there that are actually quite intentional in the process. And then we have to differentiate everyone else. So let's start with men in their twenties and thirties. Men in their twenties and thirties, couple things, they're driven by their testosterone, they're driven by their sex drive. So when a man is chasing and hunting, is he chasing, I want to be in a relationship, I want to be in a relationship, is that what a man is hunting or chasing? Hell no. Men are hunting sex for the most part. Now, certainly there are genuine men out there that are seeking relationship and they're not driven by their libido, there's certainly plenty of men like that. Here's the thing about men in their twenties and thirties. When they become serious about being in a relationship and they're intentional, they're oftentimes seeking a wife. They're seeking a wife. In other words, the mother of their children. So they're operating from a completely different premise. Now this leads into what I'm about to share today because my audience is midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement. So most of the women I speak to from my coaching practice are between the ages of 42 and 69. What's uniquely different about that? Well, roughly 75% of singles who are actively in the dating market are divorced. And with that, they've already done the wife thing and they've done the husband thing. And so what I'm here to say, and divorce comes with a lot of emotional trauma, a lot of emotional baggage, a lot of physical trauma and physical baggage too. I mean, to the extent that assets have to be split up and children have to be split up and such. So there's this emotional, physical, you know, stew going on that can be very chaotic. Okay, so I just want to set the stage. And this is true for men and women alike. This isn't singular to men, what I'm about to share. So what we have to consider in midlife, which is quite a bit different than those in their 20s and 30s, is the sad reality is is most the time when people are dating, they're not operating from their first choice. And I'm sorry to laugh about that. But the reality is is, as we age, and we've had maybe one or two significant relationships or maybe a marriage out there, it can actually wear on us emotionally. And it makes us less actively involved in the process of actually choosing a partner. So this is where the dilemma lies for so many of men and women out there. And this is true of women as well as men. Is in midlife, humans are seeking connection, some companionship and certainly intimacy, maybe physical intimacy for men and emotional intimacy for women. The reality is is very few are actually seeking partnership. So they want that connection and sex, but they're not capable of going any deeper. Well, let me reframe that. They haven't consciously prepared to go deeper. I got to repeat that one more time. They're not consciously prepared to go deeper. And this is where the rub lies because what oftentimes cause men to go silent is fear, fear, fear of the unknown, fear of their own feelings, feeling doubt. And this is a common experience. And this is true for women as well as men. And so this narrative that it's all supposed to be this perfect dynamic where couples get together and live happily ever after is a crock of crap. And that's why I want to set the stage for doing something a little bit different going forward because here's the thing. When a man is dating you let's differentiate between short term silence and long term silence. Okay, there's a big difference. Okay, long term silence is your inner you're actually in a committed relationship with someone. In other words, you've agreed to be monogamous and you've agreed to be exclusive. Okay, monogamous and exclusive. And you're having regular sex together, you're doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, that sort of thing. Okay. And then all of a sudden, a day goes by, you don't hear from him, two days goes by, three days go by, four days go by, maybe even send a message, Hey, are you okay kind of thing. And still you don't hear from and it's been two weeks. There is something definitely going on within that person. And we're going to address that in a second. But what's most important is, if you're in a relationship with someone and they go for longer than one week up to two weeks without communicating with you, that is certainly problematic. So let's put that in the box. Okay, now let's think of short term silence and let's differentiate between those people in the early stages of dating or in a relationship. Okay. In an early stage of dating, it's very common to feel doubt this whole narrative that men chase what they want and they go after what they want. In midlife, there's a ton of doubt going on for many women alike. Now the doubt could be their own individual doubt, maybe they're going through some chaos in their life. Maybe they're going through a contentious divorce, maybe they've got some issues with their children. Maybe there's stuff going on in their professional life. Maybe there's some health issues going on. Can you see as you rack these up? While someone might want connection and companionship, but they're only capable of giving so many hours in any given day or week to a relationship. And then the rest of their time, they're focused on their life. And maybe if there's chaos going on their life, this is why this whole narrative, you know, just sit back in your feminine energy and a man will pursue you as a croc. By the way, did you know masculine and feminine energy is not taught to therapists, psychologists, or psychiatrists? There is no mention in the DSM about masculine or feminine energy. That's why I laugh all the time when I hear that rhetoric because it is not taught no therapist has taught that. Okay. So why I'm sharing this with you because a lot of the narrative says that when a person when a man is being silent, he's in his feminine energy, crock-a-crap. Okay. And that if you chase him, you're in your masculine energy, crock-a-crap. Here's what we've got to recognize in the early stage of dating those first few weeks that I talked about, there's going to be natural doubts. Okay, there's going to be natural doubts because like I said before, I mean, you know, you, you're not their first choice. And they're not your first choice either with coming from your place of when you're in your 20s and 30s. So it's what my point is it takes time to build a relationship. Okay. Now, if you're in a longer term relationship, and you're in a fully committed relationship, and he goes silent for a day or two, chances are there's stuff going on in his life. And maybe he's feeling afraid to speak up. Maybe he's feeling afraid to speak up to share his feelings. And it might be a test. And when I mean to say he's maybe seeking, maybe he on an emotional level, he's seeking you to come closer to him. Okay. So I want to address this from, okay, so we've just addressed the short term, we've addressed the long term. How do we combat this? How do we avoid this happening? Someone going silent, meaning they just emotionally take a break for a little while. I think the best way to combat this, combat it, not that address it, excuse me, to address it. Hmm. My coffee mug says stay grounded. That's one of the best ways to address the stay grounded. And really quickly, my t-shirt is from a black Sabbath concert. Okay. How do we address this? It starts from the very beginning, ladies, it starts from the very first date. And what I want to encourage everyone to do going forward is ask better questions, right from the beginning of the dating process. In other words, actually get to know this human being at a deeper level instead of the surface level. Most people date is how you do and how's your day going? Is your day going good? I hope your day is going good. Did you have a really good day? I've been thinking about you. I hope you have a good day. I mean, like that's the lot of the rhetoric in text messaging I see between couples. It's so surface level. I want you to go deeper. So I want to recommend to everybody purchasing the book. Those who know me know I talk about this all the time. Eight dates by doctors, John and Julie Gottman. Eight dates by doctors, John and Julie Gottman. Why is this so critically important? This teaches you the mechanics to building a healthy, happy relationship. However, I want to encourage everyone to go deeper. So this is the mechanics of the relationship. I want you to study this. And quite frankly, once you begin a relationship with someone, you might want to encourage purchasing two copies of this book and doing it together. But Jonathan, if I gave a guy the book, they would totally be offended. That's me being in my masculine energy. That's why I say about that. Folks, any guy that would get offended about wanting to help build a better relationship with someone is a guy who's not he's he's going to go silent all the time. This is not the guy you want to date anyway. Okay, you want to date someone who's intentional about seeking a long term relationship. And this is why I highly recommend this book. And I want you to go deeper. I want you to go deeper, folks. And why it's incumbent upon women to do this is because men aren't consciously thinking this. And yet they're thirsty for what I'm about to share. Men are thirsty for intimacy. That's right. They're thirsty for intimacy. They just don't know how to get there. The way to open a man's heart is through a woman's effort. But Jonathan, effort is masculine energy. No, it's not. It's empowered energy. And this is why I want you to read the book oral sex, oral sex, talking and listening your way to passionate intimacy. Look at how highlighted this book is. Okay, there are great. Look at that. See all the highlights I have in here. There are great examples of how to build a greater connection with someone right from the get go when we learn effective communication techniques. And if you're not familiar with the book, non violent communication by Marshall Rosenberg, I highly recommend you checking this out because the way to avoid silence, the way to address silence is through communication. And yet most men and women are stunted and their ability to communicate with one another in a healthy, happy way. Now a lot of this is because men and women are suffering on the inside in some way, shape or form, feeling I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, and I'm not likable. And this is why if you follow my work, you know, I've written a book. What the heck is self love anyway? What the heck is self love anyway? By the way, the link below to all the books I recommend why I'm suggesting this now is folks, the challenge in midlife, or even in folks in their 20s and 30s is human beings are riddled with flaws. Human beings are riddled with flaws. And the narrative in the dating advice world is all predicated on that small of that small percentage, small percentage, small percentage, not small percentage of folks that are absolutely intentional. They know what they want. These are the Prince Charming's and the Cinderella's. Okay, a lot of dating advice is so based on this narrative Prince Charming and Cinderella in the guise of something a little more masculine or feminine, not so cartoonish like that. But those don't exist. I'm talking about the reality of human beings. Human beings are riddled with flaws. And so we have to recognize that if you're going to be in the dating process, you have to learn to become your own matchmaker. I'm going to repeat that you're going to have to learn to become your own matchmaker. And what that means is you want to pre qualify someone if you're going to invest time in them with them, excuse me, you want to pre qualify them. And that means by asking better questions. Now you might be thinking what questions should I ask? Check out the link to a free discovery call with me. My area of expertise is helping you come up with the questions related to your personality that will help you indicate if they're genuinely serious about a relationship or just in it for the short run and how to vet for emotional maturity. And let me just say this, the vast majority of human beings, men and women. So a lot of you ladies out there are stunted in the area of emotional maturity and you have weak skills. This is why I continually recommend these books, okay? Because the reality is, as people go silent for a variety of different reasons, sometimes it's very short term. It could just be for an hour. It could be for two hours. It could be six hours. They're just going silent because there's some fear or some chaos going on in their life that has maybe nothing to do with the relationship or all to do with the relationship. It's very common to have doubts. And that's ultimately what silence is, is just doubts, okay? Now, when a guy is silent for two weeks, like I shared before, that's a person riddled with some level of fear, whether the fear to communicate with you, maybe the fear to tell you the truth. Maybe there's other chaos going on in their life. And the reality is, is in those particular cases, there's very little you can do when someone goes long term silent. Other than my invitation for you is to have compassion for yourself, have compassion for yourself and have a little compassion for them. The reality is, is most guys are good people. They're just bad at the dating process. And ladies, most of you are good people. You're bad at the dating process too. Just because you want relationship more so than men, more often than not, doesn't make you any more qualified to be a good candidate, to be in relationship. Because I'm here to suggest humans are actually have very weak emotional skills. So by reading the books, I recommend you're going to be shoring up your emotional level and your self love to be able to navigate these situations if and when they do happen in a much better way. However, however, however, however, when you do a better job of pre qualifying the guy, you're actually going to be finding a guy who's more well suited for you. You're going to build that intimacy early on. And guess what's going to happen when you build strong intimacy together. Intimacy into me. You see your relationship becomes a strong bond and you can't pull it apart. And that's my invitation for all of you to start doing this going forward. Is this sinking in? Is this resonating? I want to hear your thoughts on this. Post a comment below. I do my best to read it all. If you have a question, I try to respond to them as well. As I said before, if you want personalized attention, check out my group to midlife love mastery where, like I said, I shoot personalized videos just for you. Or you can schedule a discovery call with me. Or check out the books I recommend. And let me know what you think of my t-shirt. This would be a great place to wrap up today. I want to thank you so much. First off, I'm going to give myself, I'm going to wrap up by giving myself a big gigantic Jonathan Bear hug of self love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear or pillow and give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. Thanks a bunch. Bye-bye now.