 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Astley of johnathastley.com and I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, what is it again? The seven signs you're important and you're valuable to them. The seven signs you're important and valuable to them. Really quickly, if you're brand new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new videos. And if any time during this video, the content resonates with you, please hit that like button so I can be seen in the YouTube algorithms. Really quickly, my coaching is what I call heart-centered radical honesty. Excuse me, heart-centered, a little direct, a little tough love and a lot of heart. And occasionally I use expletives to enhance a sentence. So if an F-bomb or two isn't your cup of tea, I suggest logging off right now. Lastly, these are my thoughts, my perceptions, my opinions, by no means do I suggest this is the truth. You have to decide the truth for yourself. I'm a bit of a contrarian, so my advice goes contrary to public opinion and traditional expectations. So again, all I ask is you give it a chance. All right, let's talk about the seven signs the man thinks of you as being important and valuable. Well, obviously, when we've reached a stage of a relationship where a man actually thinks of you as important and valuable, you have had to have gone through the dating process. And anyone who watches my channel knows, I continually say, what an absolute shit show, the dating process is these days. It is a clusterfuck out there because of these devices, because of these devices, the access to people we wouldn't otherwise meet in our life. But wait, Jonathan, isn't that a good thing? Absolutely, it's a good thing to have access to people you wouldn't have otherwise have access to in your daily life. However, all of this access has created this false perception of choice and this false perception of abundance. I repeat this false perception of choice and a false perception of abundance. In other words, if it doesn't work out with this person, I can just go back online and do it again and again and again. And sadly, the problem with dating today is when you've done it again and again and again, guess what the byproduct of this is? For many people, if they've had one experience that didn't work out after another experience that didn't work out after another experience that didn't work out after another experience that didn't work out. I know that sounded repetitive but I'm just trying to illustrate a point. It can wear on us emotionally. And I say us, this is true of men and women alike. This isn't solely a woman thing. It's a male thing as well. This repetitive dating that's happening today and what I mean is a lot of starts and stops, starts and stops, starts and stops, starts weighing on our emotional well-being. And sadly, we're already dealing with a population. The vast majority of human beings are already suffering in some way, shape or form, not feeling good enough, not feeling love, not feeling likable. And dating triggers this like nobody's business if you've had one experience after another, after another. Sometimes it might feel like rejection. Sometimes it might feel like hurt when your affections don't go reciprocated. So can you see why we're dealing with a dynamic that's making it very difficult for people to actually couple together? And part of that problem is dating today because we're meeting total strangers for the most part. It's becoming rare that we actually meet people in an organic setting and more so meeting someone in a setting where you actually know their family, they know your friends, you actually have this base of familiarity. And because of that, the dating process has been hyper-focused on chemistry and romance, chemistry and romance to take the relationship off the ground. You know, I was thinking for a moment just before I started this live stream, you know, I was thinking of my son when he was in college. He had a girlfriend, they met in class, then they eventually went to, they did, I think they did debate together. So they had a couple of class together, they did debate together. They got to know each other over a period of time. They had mutual friends, they socialized together. And at one point he said, do you wanna grab a cup of coffee? And that was the beginning of their dating process but there was already this built-in familiarity. In fact, they lived on campus so there was this kind of emotional safety net already built in. Did you hear that? Emotional safety net. And this is the problem we're dealing with today is that for the most part, most people, men and women alike don't feel emotionally safe with one another. And this has caused one of the fundamental problems with dating today is that dating today is hyper-focused on what I can get versus what I can give. I'm gonna repeat that, what I can get. And this is true of men and women alike. It's hyper-focused from a place of I need to get all my needs met before I give you any of my needs. Let me think about that. I need all my needs met before I can even give to you. So as I shared in my previous broadcast, it's almost becoming a stalemate of who cares the least. And this is why stupid books like The Rules that came out that's all centered around playing hard to get might temporarily work with those control freaks or those anxious attachment type men or people that are dysfunctional. Yes, it temporarily works for people like that but relationships aren't taking off the ground. They're not blossoming. They're not flourishing into the kind of relationship where you feel important and you feel valued. And I'm gonna share in a moment what that looks like and what it feels like so you can be prepared. But I'm here to say it's really important nowadays to let go of this narrative that's so hyper focused on chemistry and romance and understanding the mechanics of a healthy, happy relationship. If you're not familiar with my relationship iceberg, I'm gonna show it for everyone, put up on the screen. You can see the tip of the iceberg says chemistry and above the waterline says attraction. Below the waterline it says compatibility, shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. These are the more important factors to be considering in the early stages of dating. But Jonathan, I've been told that I just need to sit back in my feminine energy and just let the man do all the work. Yeah, in a misogynistic patriarchal society, that works well temporarily. And by the way, how well does that work when you're with the guy who's a control freak a narcissist or worse, he's a sociopath in some point. Do you really wanna give your power away to someone else? Do you wanna give your relationship destiny to the wrong person? This is why I continually say ladies, men are not in charge of your relationship destiny, you're in charge of your relationship destiny. And since the dieting dynamic is more hyper focused on chemistry, which is all about lust and limerence. I'm gonna repeat that, it's about lust and limerence. Most people couple together. I mean, people are having sex by the first, second or third date and there is nothing wrong with that, except this. I've known plenty of people who've gotten married who had sex on the first, second or third date. That's not the issue. The issue is, does this person share the same values with me? Does this person's lifestyle gonna blend with mine? And is this person emotionally mature enough to be in a relationship with me? Now, if, by the way, let me just say this, if you're a person seeking a casual relationship, if you're a person that's looking for friends with benefits, if you're a person that's happy with a situation ship, then I'm not the person you should be listening to. My whole coaching program is centered around helping women, vet men, and I'll talk about vetting in a second, for partnership, I'm all about partnership. My whole content is designed to talk more about partnership than situationships, casual relationships, or friends with benefits. And sadly, do you know what? Most, a lot of women are in a friends with benefits relationship, but they just don't know about it. And what I mean is, they're so oblivious to the fact that this person isn't treating them important or with value that I'm about to share in a second. All right, so that's all the bad stuff, right? What's the good stuff, Jonathan? Well, you know what? People are still falling in love every day it's happening. As I say continually, most people, most men are good guys, they're just bad daters. And yes, there is a significant percentage of the population who is emotionally stunted and has weak relationship skills or has dysfunctional relationship skills, but this is true for women, just like men. I swear, it so fascinates me how women believe that there's so much better at relationship because you have a capacity to vomit your feelings, but that doesn't mean that you actually communicate in a healthy, happy way. This is why I continually recommend everybody reading the book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. It should have been titled Compassionate Communication because through healthy communication can you actually build a strong relationship? And just like I said before, just because women can vomit their feelings doesn't necessarily mean that they're expressive of their feelings. And certainly we know men are very guarded with their feelings, very guarded with their feelings. And they say started to share in this earlier part of this broadcast, it's because we're meeting total strangers. We don't feel safe with one another. This is why I highly recommend checking out this book by Malcolm Gladwell called Talking to Strangers. What you should know about the people you don't know. Folks, it's time to become radically honest. It's time to be vulnerable, authentic and transparent. Now, let me just say this. When I say vulnerable, authentic and transparent, I do not mean divulging secrets to a total stranger. What I'm talking about when I say vulnerable, authentic and transparent is be upfront as to what you're looking for in a relationship. And yet sadly, I'm covering my face sadly, women come to me for private coaching. They all know what they want. It's all up in the 40,000 foot level. It's in the clouds, it's in the fantasy realm. And I say this because women who go through my private coaching continually say the same thing. Jonathan, why didn't they teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this before I married that knucklehead? Folks, most of you women have a fantasy-based way of what you're looking for in a relationship. And I, listen, I do hundreds of coaching sessions a year. Every woman thinks she knows what she wants. And as I said before, they go through my coaching program and they realized through a basis of education or a reeducation, do they have a better understanding of what to look for that shared values, blendable lifestyles and emotional maturity. All right, so now you've met, you've gone through the, you've gone through my coaching program, now you're with a great, you're with a guy, okay? You're with a guy. How do you know if he actually is serious about a relationship? How do you know if he treats you important? How do you know if he looks at you with value? Well, I'm about to share those seven things with you right now. I'm gonna put on my trusty glasses. We're gonna put up my notes. So number one, they appreciate you and your efforts. They appreciate you and their efforts. You know what? It saddens me today how infrequently people actually use the words, I appreciate you. I'm grateful for you. I thank you for your efforts. When people, and by the way, everything I'm sharing here goes both ways. Men and women alike. So even though I'm sharing what help, men treat you as important and valuable, I wanna encourage women to do the exact same thing here. Is appreciation is one of the fundamental needs of most human beings. For a successful relationship, you need attention, affection, appreciation and acceptance, appreciation. And I wanna invite you all to start using the words. I appreciate you. And my hope is when you're with a man who genuinely looks at you as important and value, values you, he is going to say thank you for your efforts. He's gonna say I'm grateful for your efforts. He's gonna be saying I appreciate you because that's a great sign. He looks at you as important and valuable. Okay, number two, he understands you have a life and other priorities. Basically what I'm saying here, he doesn't make you feel guilty if you can't meet his timeline of spending time together. I'm gonna repeat that. He doesn't make you feel guilty if you can't spend time at his timeline. Now I know a lot of you women are dealing, by the way, one of the problems, let me, now I'm gonna go on a rant here. When you expect men to lead the relationship, here's your problem, ladies. When you say to your dating and you're saying, hey, what are you looking for? And he says, I want a relationship. And you go, I want a relationship too. Great, okay. His idea of a relationship might be, well, I see you at my beck and call. Your idea might look like something like mine. I'd like to spend three or four days and nights a week together doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, teamwork, building skills, both in our personal and our professional lives, intimacy, both physical and emotional intimacy that leads to either moving in together or getting married. That's what a relationship looks like for me. But you said to him, he says he wants a relationship. He, a lot of times when you leave it up to the guy, he's gonna treat you at your beck and call. A man who genuinely values you and sees you as important, guess what he does? He understands you have a life and he doesn't make you feel guilty for having that life because he's not trying to force you into his life. And that's a guy who genuinely cares about you. Number three, these men like this listen to you carefully and they respond from a grown-up perspective. I repeat that they respond from a grown-up perspective. What I mean to say is sadly here in the United States, we are suckling on the nipple of victim consciousness and worse, we're suckling on the nipple of I'm right and you're wrong. I mean, quite frankly, we are like, I mean, we are the worst I think of any country out there. We are so indoctrinated in victim consciousness and worse, I'm right and you're wrong. So when a person genuinely cares about you, they actually listen to you and they listen to you from a grown-up place which means they come from a place of compassion. And more importantly, they actually validate what you say. You know, it fascinates me how many times I'm communicating with women on dating apps and how I say something to them and they don't acknowledge it. They go straight to wanting to talk about themselves. That's why I said earlier, humans are more focused on their own needs, what they can get versus what they can give. And this is a terrible thing that's happening today. So when you're with a guy who genuinely listens to you and validates what you have to say, you're on the untrack of having a keeper. Okay, number four, they ask for your advice. They ask for your advice and they value your opinion. A man who genuinely cares about you, he wants your advice and not advice on what restaurant to go to, although that's an okay thing too, but he asks for your advice on maybe something personal in his life and he values your opinion. That is a great sign that he values you and he thinks you're important. When a man can look to you and say, I want your advice. I mean, that's really saying a lot because a lot of people, by the way, control freaks, narcissists, misogynists type of personalities, it's all on their terms. They could care less what you think. They just want you at their beck and call and they just wanna fuck you at their terms, okay? I'm hoping that you actually meet the men who genuinely care about you and a man who cares about you is gonna seek your advice. And number five, they understand and accept that you have boundaries, that you have boundaries and boundaries is simply, I love what Brene Brown says about boundaries. She says, what's okay and what's not okay for me? Ladies, chapter one in my book, my book is called What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? There's a link below to get my book. Chapter one, speak your truth, do it with kindness. And chapter nine, if it's sincere and from the heart, you can't say the wrong thing to the right person. Ladies, it's time to speak up. If something doesn't feel right, then speak up because we men aren't mind readers. And we actually, if we value you and we think you're important, we actually appreciate your boundaries. And number six, number six, they make you a priority in their life. They make you a priority in life. In other words, look at guys who are always busy, busy, busy, busy, women are always busy, busy, busy. And they're like, you know, I'll fit you in at my schedule. That's not treating you as important. That's not treating you as valuable. Either when I expect you to be at my beck and call, you know, a man who genuinely sees you as with value and importance, they make you a priority. Now, let me be clear here. We all have important things to do in our lives. You know, we might have our children, we might have our work. And what I'm trying to say here is a man treats you as important as all the other things he had in his life before you, when you two are actually in that state of getting, you know, you're building a relationship together and you're falling in love with each other. So, and their priority is based on, they have all their priorities in their life, all these important things, and they put you up in that category of importance. That's a great sign that he values you and thinks you're important. And number seven, number seven, what does it say? Oh, they use long-term thinking. Their terminology with you is always from a long-term perspective. In other words, they're progressing the relationship forward and they start to even use we language. You know, when we take a trip, when we buy a home, when we do this. And I don't mean the guys that say this on the first, second, third, fourth, fifth, eighth book. I'm not talking about the guys who say, the men who futurize before the penis goes inside the vagina. I'm talking about the guys who say this language after you've established a relationship. When a man is progressing the relationship forward, he's thinking long-term and he actually uses we language. That's a great sign that he thinks that you're valuable and then you're important to them. So let me recap this really quickly. They appreciate you and your efforts. They understand you have a life and other priorities. Number three, they listen to you carefully and respond like a grown-up. Number four, they ask for your advice and they value your opinion. Number five, they understand and accept your boundaries. Number six, they treat you as someone important in their life. And lastly, they use long-term words and thinking to progress the relationship forward, including we language because a guy who genuinely wants to spend possibly the rest of his life, he's gonna do all these things. And if men aren't doing these things, you have to ask yourself, does he really value me? Does he really think I'm important? And if you need some help with that, schedule a discovery call with me. If you're with a guy that you can't figure out, schedule a call with me. Let's get on a coaching call and I can help you determine if he's the right guy for you. All right, that covers the content portion of our live stream. Now we're gonna jump into the Q&A. Those who know my live streams know that if you're on live right now, there's a chat box in the corner. You can write the word question and then post the question there after. Write the word question so it's easier for me to find or you can purchase a Super Sticker Super Chat. Super Sticker Super Chat, there's a little dollar sign in the box below. All the monies from the Super Sticker Super Chat goes to a scholarship fund in the name of my son Connor Asley. That's a picture of him right there. That's a picture of him right there with me. It's my son who passed away a few years ago and in his honor, I've started a scholarship fund to defray the cost of personal development for those who are seeking personal development help and also to donate to the charities, a personal development that I think are very valuable which includes the Hoffman process and Insight seminars. Google Insight seminars. It is amazing along with the Hoffman process. All right, I think it's time to take questions. Let me put on my trusty glasses. I wanna thank Andrea and Nancy for saying hi and TF as well, we've got B who's written in. Question, have you read for women only by shot T by whoever the hell that is. If so, what do you think about the discussion that the biologically many women's brains are wired differently and how they process emotions? First off, I'm not familiar with that book and I'm certainly vaguely familiar with the understanding of our hemispheres and how we process emotions. Here's the bottom line with all this shit, whether you're a man or woman, you gotta deal with your emotions, okay? Just because we process it different doesn't mean that the end result shouldn't be relatively the same. What I mean is how you process your emotions might be different. What's most important that you actually process your emotions that you're actually introspective. You know, the vast majority of the population has, listen, if you're not familiar with my emotional maturity relationship skills chart, I'm gonna show it here. Here's a chart of what I believe, and by the way, this is not a fact, this is an opinion, roughly 20% of the population has clinical issues. They have absolutely terrible relationship skills. And then roughly over here, I say 20% of the population is emotionally healthy. I'm being ridiculously generous when I say 20%. And the vast majority of human beings are dysfunctional. So it doesn't matter how the fuck you process your emotions, we're dealing with dysfunctionality anyway. That's because most human beings are unaware that they have childhood wounds and traumas, or adult traumas that cause negative patterns and limiting beliefs in their life that cause them to have dysfunctional relationship skills. This is why I continually recommend everybody getting the book, The Hoffman Process, The Hoffman Process. This is a deep dive into healing childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas. So you can actually become an introspective person and start to actually understand how your feelings work. You know, furthermore, you know, here's the thing, a lot of people are completely unaware from a dating, mating or relating perspective that they actually choose partners very similar to the dysfunctionality they experienced in their childhood. And if you're not familiar with the book by Harbell Hendricks and Helen Hunt called Getting the Love You Want, this talks about what's called the amago. This is where, look it, when women choose emotionally unavailable men, it's most likely because their father was emotionally unavailable. When men choose women who are bitches, most likely he had a very dominant mother. And what happens is humans gravitate to what feels familiar. Because remember I said earlier, that we barely have any emotional safety in the early stages of dating. So what happens is when two dysfunctional people meet, and by the way, every woman thinks that, I'm sorry, I've got to say something. All of you women out there think you're so secure and you're so emotionally healthy. I got to tell you as a man out there in the dating realm, you are just as dysfunctional and fucked up as men. Okay, I'm just gonna say it's equal. You're both, both genders are fucked up. But what happened, and by the way, women choose terrible partners all the time, just like men choose terrible partners. And part of this is also because many human beings don't understand love attachment style, love attachment style. If you're not familiar with the book attached by Amira Levine and Rachel Heller, I highly recommend checking this out to understand how we choose the wrong partners in our lives. So once we get a better understanding of this, we actually can start processing our emotions in a much healthier way. So okay, I get that biologically speaking, men's the hemisphere in their brain and everything, and men don't process emotions the same. But guess what? Dysfunctional, it doesn't matter if you're a dysfunctional human being, how you process your emotions, what you have to do is learn how to process your emotions. Now here's the challenge. Because most human beings, men and women alike, do very little personal development, self-help and spiritual work to actually shore up. You know, when I wrote my book, What the Heck Is Self Love Anyway? I say it's a vaccination to emotional chaos because what my goal here, by the way, it's interesting. I'm not even sure if I'm a dating coach. Someone said to me, Jonathan, you're more of a life coach because you're talking about things that more have to do with life than dating. But why, my book isn't a dating book. It's a inner peace book. And I say it's a vaccination to emotional chaos because men and women alike do a terrible job navigating their emotions. Women, as I said, tend to vomit their emotions and men tend to be more stoic with their emotions, but it doesn't mean you're gonna have a healthy, happy relationship. What's going to create a healthy, happy relationship is emotional intimacy, emotional intimacy into me you see. And if you're not familiar with the book, Emotional Intimacy by Robert Masters, I highly recommend checking this out, Emotional Intimacy. And by the way, you should be reading this with the guy you're with. Ladies, I say this before I'll say it again, before the penis gets to go inside the vagina, purchase this book, Eight Dates, by doctors John and Julie Gottman. This is a roadmap to determine if the two of you are a good fit for one another. And then once you determine you're a good fit, start reading this book. And if you need more assistance, I highly recommend reading these two books. How to build trust in a relationship. Oops. And couples communication. Okay, you see these books? Jonathan, your channel is only about making me read books and read books and read books. Yes, folks, stop being so naive. You know, the average person spends more time brushing their teeth, combing their hair, getting all dolled up. I mean, you'd have them alone. I'm not even, I can't even pronounce the shoes and the dresses you all wear. You care more about the way you look instead of how you feel on the inside. So I'm recommending 15 to 20 minutes a day of self-love care, not self-care. Self-care is the manicures, the pedicures, that all that stuff. I'm talking about emotional self-care. And if you're not willing to invest, then you know what, what's the definition of insanity? Doing the same things over and over again, expecting different results. All right, that was, that's my rant on there. I forgot who posted that question, but I do wanna thank you for that question. Wow, we have lots of questions that come in since. All right. But no, once again, B, I did not read that book, but I don't care. I don't care. What I care is men and women doing the personal development work, doing the inner work, because it doesn't matter how the fuck your brain was wired. What matters is that you want to work on yourself. Are you with me? Can I get an amen? All right, thank you so much. All right, let's go swimming. Oh, Anne says, where's today's fun mug? Swear a little, you'll feel better. Thank you so much, Anne. All right. Let's go swimming. Leap says amen. Theresa, thank you. All right, G says, question. Is it acceptable to vet a guy through talking on the phone versus in person? I like vetting them through a series of phone calls before deciding to meet them. It seems to work well. G. Wortman, I love your question and the answer is yes, yes, yes. Folks, here's the deal. I want you to think about this for a moment. Imagine you hired a matchmaker and you said matchmaker, matchmaker, find me a man. Their job is to vet somebody fully to determine do you share the same values? Are your lifestyles blendable? And they hopefully vet for emotional maturity. That's what a matchmaker should do. So when they put two people together, they're hoping for chemistry. Now, I'll tell you this, matchmakers do very little vetting because their main focus is just to get, you give them $10,000 so they can make a living. That's my judgment. I'm probably pissing off a few matchmakers. I'm sure there are some good people out there. For the most part, the vast majority of them are basically in it for the money and not actually helping people. But, and I highly doubt they're very good at determining true compatibility, okay? One of my jobs as a coach, my primary job is for a coach, is helping you learn the right questions to ask based on your personality. By the way, there's a link below to a free discovery call with me. But what I'm an expert at is helping you ask the right questions and coming back to G. Wortman's question. Apsa fucking Lutley. This is the best time to get some of these questions out of the way. I do it all the time. If I think based on something I read in someone's profile if I think there's a potential compatibility mismatch, I bring it up via text message before we ever get on the phone and then some. And when I do on the phone, I'm interrogating a woman. Now I say this tongue in cheek because I'm a conversationalist. I can do this in a very fun, friendly, conversational way, not in a combative way. I just happen to have that skill set because I've been a, I've mastered this over 20, I was in sales for 20 years and now I've been in coaching for 20 or 10, 15 years now. So collectively I have good communication skills to ask these questions. Now if you need some help with that, that's my area of expertise. But I wanna come back to your question. Ladies, interrogate a guy before you ever meet because if you're not a good fit, but Jonathan, you just never know, but Jonathan, you just never know. But folks, how many times have you said, I just never know? And then you go out with them and go, fuck it. I wished I listened to my intuition. Folks, your intuition is screaming at you when you understand who you are and what you really want. Except the vast majority. I'm gonna tell you, women are just as arrogant as men. You're all fucking clueless. Most everybody is fucking clueless. Now here's the problem why. Why most people are clueless. When you're in your 20s and 30s, when a man's in his 20s and 30s, when he's actually looking to mate with somebody, he's on the hunt for a wife. He's looking for the mother of his children. So a man is more intentional. The problem with the demographic that I work with, which is midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement, most humans don't know how to blend lives together. When you've got children and you've got elderly parents and you've got your friends. And again, remember most of the time you're meeting strangers. It's very few people know how to blend lives with another human being. You know, it's funny. The TV show Brady Bunch. If you grew up in Baby Boom, Gen X period, you certainly remember the movie, the TV show Brady Bunch. They made it seem so simple. One was a widower, one was divorced. They each had three kids. They moved into this house that had only one, look at one bathroom for six people. And Carol and Mike had their own bathroom and Alice had her own bathroom. So they made it seem like so easy you could blend lives together. The reality is, is most of you are not even thinking about the idea of how you can blend lives because you've been indoctrinated in this fantasy. But if we just love each other, the magic fairy dust is gonna make this thing work out. Listen, love doesn't make a relationship work. What makes a relationship work? Compatibility, shared values, blendable lifestyles, emotional maturity and that chemistry piece. That's what makes a relationship work. It's not love is the icing on the cake. But Jonathan, that's not the way I learned it. I think if we love each other, we should just naturally sacrifice our entire lives for one another. Folks at midlife, most people get very set in their ways. Men in particular are very set in your ways. That's why you better be choosing better. That's why I always recommend asking better questions. You better be choosing that, asking better questions because guess what? It really sucks to have chemistry with someone and then it go nowhere and then have chemistry with someone else and go nowhere and chemistry with someone else. And by the way, a lot of my male contemporary coaches teach a very masculine, a male, let me not say masculine, a male way to date, okay? It's a numbers game. Ladies and men as well, our emotional capacity to handle rejection after rejection after rejection after rejection wears on us thinly. And what happens is to a vast majority of women in particular, you become bitter and jaded and you've given up hope that you can find a great guy. So I'm here to encourage everyone, ask better questions right from the get-go. So you avoid going out with the wrong guy and maybe if the person is compatible with you and you have chemistry together, watch out. All right, so G. Warpman, thank you so much for that question. I really appreciate it. All right, hey, look, Sherry just said I started the Hoffman process, way to go. All right, Amani says, Jonathan, if a guy comes across too nice, is that a red flag? How can I test a guy to make sure he is genuine? That's an interesting question. So first off, I like the fact that a man comes across nice. How do you determine if he's genuine? Start asking better questions. Do you share the same values? Are your lifestyles vulnerable? Is this person an emotional grownup? Purchase two copies of this book and say, hey, dude, if you wanna date me and eventually get your penis inside my vagina, then let's read this book together to see if we're a good fit together or read this book first to determine it. By the way, all the answers you need are in this book. Folks, first off, not all the answers. A lot of answers are in this book, okay? But let me just say this, a nice guy isn't hyper-focused on fucking you. And that's a good thing. Unless he is hyper-focused on that, then he's not really a nice guy, he's just a horny guy. He could be a nice horny guy. I'm a nice horny guy, but I'm not set on the sex piece. I'm set on the emotional piece of connecting at a heart-centered level and that's my invitation for everyone. So coming back to your question, hey, read this book together. That's gonna be a great, by the way, folks, it's interesting. I've had a number of women tell me that the men that they're dating, okay, so I have women who follow my channel and the guys that they're dating have found out that they're following my channel and these men are furious, they're furious. They're telling these women to stop watching what I have to say because they basically think I'm pandering to women. First and foremost, let me just say this, I'm an equal opportunity judge. I think men are fucked up, I think women are fucked up. Just because I'm a male coach and I'm your big brother and if I could actually be there on a first date with that shotgun, I'd be pointing at the guy's face and saying, what's your intentions with my sister? Because if you fuck her over, I'm gonna fuck you up, dude. Like, you know what? I think if the fear of God was actually, I don't even like saying that, but I'm gonna, I think you understand what the metaphor of that is, but I think if they actually had fear around taking advantage of you, they might actually act a little bit kinder. My hope is, coming back to the nice guy. So I am here to encourage, look, I'm here to say, women, many of you act like doormats and many of you act entitled. Many men act very needy and many men act controlling and within that sphere, or both spheres, there are good people out there. The hard part is weeding through that shit. So guess how you do that? You do that with really good boundaries. And I'm encouraging you not to give in to the sexual piece until you've actually vetted a guy. And I think vetting is highly, highly important today. Look it, it was a lot easier 50 hundred years ago, because as I said before, most of the time, you were meeting people who knew your family, who knew your friends, who you knew their family, you knew friends, that's where that built in emotional safety net was there. But today we're meeting strangers and we don't feel emotionally safe. Men don't feel emotionally safe and women don't feel emotionally safe. In fact, I'm here to say a lot of men, the reason why they can't go deeper into the relationship is it's not because they're just not that into you. One of the real challenges is they don't feel emotionally safe in this relationship because most people don't actually communicate with one another. You know what they do? How's your day going? Did you have a good day? I hope you had a good day. Most conversations are so fucking surface and more focused on fun and play than actually getting to know someone at a heart-centered level. And my hope is by talking about this incessantly over and over and over and over and over again in each video, that it'll finally fucking sink into some of you. By the way, listen, I know I curse a lot and I come across kind of righteous, okay? And I certainly do pontificate and let me just be clear about someone. I am just as fucked up as most human beings out there. I do stupid shit from the dating realm because I'm a human being. I'm a human being that wants to feel emotionally safe and oftentimes the dating process can be very dysfunctional, especially because of the way we were indoctrinated coming back to the stupid book, The Rules, the indoctrination, not even the book, well, let me talk about the book, The Rules in a second, but this whole gender expectation. And it wasn't until I read the book if the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated because it threw out all the bullshit gender rhetoric that fucks up this thing we call dating, mating or relating. But Jonathan, I'm just supposed to sit back in my feminine energy and let the man be masculine. Folks, that's a crock of fucking shit. It sounds really good to sell you on something, but sitting back and waiting for the man, hey, if you want a patriarchal or misogynistic relationship, knock yourself out. I'm all about co-creating a partnership with someone. Co-creating a partnership with someone. What's that going to take? It's gonna take intentionality. It's gonna take reading these books because it's through this that you can actually have a chance. And by the way, if a man isn't willing, coming back to those men, they're afraid of listening to, or not afraid, but they're insecure. It's because I'm making them fucking do work. Yeah, guys, you're gonna have to do some work too. You can't leave it all up to the woman. You're gonna have to make effort and the effort isn't that you pay the bills because most women can take care of themselves. The effort is from an emotional level. And by the way, the byproduct of all of this, the byproduct of doing all this work is a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy, loving relationship. That's what I'm encouraging everyone to want. So, and beside just the, you know, getting your dick wet, guys, I'm here to say if you really want to have a juicy, delicious relationship, then read these books with your partner because you'll build stronger intimacy. And guess what? It'll feel like you're with your best friend. And that's the byproduct of doing all this work together. Thank you for allowing me to rant on that one. I went off on so many tangents on that one. So thank you. Oh, when he comes across too nice, not a red flag? No, it's a green flag, someone nice. Needy is a whole other story, but nice is a good thing. All right, great question. All right. By the way, if this has provided value with you so far, if you like my work, could you please purchase a super sticker, super chat for that Connor Asley scholarship fund? It would mean a lot to me. And it also tells me that I'm providing value for you. So thank you so much. This is interesting. You have a beautiful mindset, but you sound angry, Jonathan. Are you a Scorpio who is capable of depth? And that has to show who is capable of... So, yes, I'm angry. Just like a child about to touch fire, I yell, okay? My anger is not anger, it's passion. I'm not angry. I'm passionate about wanting you not to touch fire, okay? That's what I'm passionate about. I'm not angry whatsoever. I'm incredibly passionate. Now I do come across as a pontificator and I do come across as righteous, I'll own that, but I'm not angry. I'm just passionate that you don't touch fire. So that's my answer to your question. Thank you so much. All right, so let's go swim in. Let's go swim in, let's go swim in. All right, here Janet says, what if you feel three out of five, what if you feel three out of five of those and shouldn't we women be able to express all five? I'm assuming, oh, I'm not sure what five you're talking about, Janet, I apologize. I think you're talking about the seven signs you're important. Ideally you should be feeling four out of those seven, at least to start, so, but I'm not sure what five you're talking about. All right, oh, hey, I wanna thank DJ for the super sticker. Thank you so much, I appreciate that. That was very sweet of you. Thank you so much, oh my God, there's so many comments here. Thank you so much for that super sticker. Michelle says, Jonathan, I love your passion and your style over all tough love all the way. Thank you so much. I know I pissed some people off with the swearing, I apologize. Look it, I'm not gonna apologize. I use expletives to enhance a sentence. If you're, look it. Sticks and stones may break your bones, but names should never hurt you. If you feel offended by that, ask yourself, why does that feel bad for you? I'm just using it in a comical sense to enhance a sentence and not necessarily, I'm not saying fuck you to someone, I'm saying the F word to illustrate a point. Anyway, so, ah, Jesse says, yes, you're passionate. Mally says, yes, I love your passion. Thank you so much. All right, let's see what else. Stay well says, I'm laughing. You speak like my woman's softball coach. I guess I thank you. All right, what else, if you have a question. Jesse says unfiltered, uncensored with Jonathan Asley. Maybe that's what I should call my show. All right, let's see what we have. Annie says, I want the Buddha book so bad. Amazon. Maria says, you're amazing. Thank you, love you big brother. All right, thank you so much. Let's find another question. Oh, here we go. John, I was actually thinking earlier today what you would say about people saying, how was your day? Rather than a heartfelt conversation, what is a heartfelt conversation exactly? What is a heartfelt conversation exactly? All right, I'm gonna show everyone a meme. I've showed this before, I'm gonna show it again. Bear with me. All right, this meme says, I hate small talk. I wanna talk about atoms, death, aliens, sex, magic, the intellect, the meaning of life, far away galaxies, music that makes you feel different, memories, the lies you've told, your flaws, your favorite set, your childhood, what keeps you up at night, your insecurity and fears. I like people with depth who speak with emotion from a twisted mind. I don't wanna know what's up. Folks, today we're dealing with a lot of surface conversation. So this morning I downloaded an app on my phone. It's called Card Dex by the Gottman Institute. Card Dex by the Gottman Institute. Can you see that? All right, this is, by the way, it's a free app. So go to your Apple or Google Play Store. It's called the Gottman Card Dex. Card Dex the Gottman. So date questions here. So here's a date question. What does it say? What is something small that really makes your day? And it's a series of questions you can ask on a date. They're not the in-depth way I teach you how to vet for emotional maturity and vet for compatibility, but this is a great start. And by the way, this isn't just dating. This is couples question, open-ended questions, how to give appreciation. Check, by the way, I make no money on this because it's free. Go to the Gottman Institute and check out the Card Dex because I'm here to say it's time to go beyond the surface. When we're dealing with surface rhetoric out there, it's time to become more vulnerable, authentic and transparent with one another because that builds intimacy into me you see. And when you have an intimate relationship, you have a strong bond together. A man doesn't wanna listen. Women, I know from a physical perspective, you need safety. I get that, okay? But you also need emotional safety. Guess what? Men won't give their hearts, really open up their hearts until they feel emotionally safe with you. And it's gonna require leading by example, I know you don't like this. I know it sucks, but I'm gonna tell you the byproduct of this is you're gonna get a guy who actually is going to appreciate you if he's capable of opening up. By the way, remember I said before, 20% of the population has clinical issues. They're narcissists, they're borderlines. And by the way, not to suggest they can't be in relationships, but they have clinical issues that require clinical health, okay? Then there's the small percentage of healthy people and then the vast majority of people are dysfunctional. This is why it requires being more intentional in the early stages and start to exhibit greater intimacy early on if this is a person you're going to invest in. And what better way to create intimacy than purchasing two copies of the book, eight dates by Drs. John and Julie Gottman before the penis goes inside the vagina. Oh, so anyways, coming back to your question, my thoughts on conversation, here, I hate small talk. I encourage everyone to go beyond the surface and start talking from a heart-centered place. Are you with me? Can I get in the name in? All right, let's see if there, oh, I wanna thank, I wanna thank Lee for the super sticker. Thank you so much. And I wanna thank Little Miss for the super sticker. Thank you so much. Michelle says, I totally have those conversations with everyone already, even strangers on Tinder. For some reason though, it's hard for me to have them with my boyfriend through tux. I prefer face-to-face. Yes, by the way, communication, 90% of communication is non-verbal. Folks, men don't bond through the telephone. Men don't bond through the telephone. We don't. Face-to-face because communication is your hand gestures, your facial gestures, your pheromones. By the way, even when you're on FaceTime, it's not 3D. Communication is three-dimensional to get fully what someone is saying. So I'm encouraging more face-to-face communication. And by the way, it takes roughly 100 hours of face-to-face time to just get to level one of trust with a human being, just to get to level one. And there's probably 100 levels of trust that need to be built. I made up that number. Let's just make it simple. 10 layers of trust, and it takes 100 hours. So folks, when you're having sex too soon, you might be setting yourself up for failure. But again, I've known people that have had sex on a first date and gotten married, but I will tell you this, be careful. And that's why I read this book before you have sex with anyone. That's my invitation for you. All right, you know what? I think this would be a great place to wrap up today. Oh, Giselle says, question. In your opinion, at what point in time when dating a man, should I introduce the book Eight Dates? Great question, and we'll wrap up with that one. So before the penis goes inside the vagina, so if a man has intimated, he wants to explore a relationship with you, you can say something like this. You know what? I'm interested in exploring a relationship with you as well. But you know, I'm not here to waste my time and I'm assuming you don't want to waste your time either. I know a great book that can help us get to know one another better. Would you be open to reading this book together with me? It's called Eight Dates. And by the way, the reason why it's called Eight Dates, it's eight separate conversations, okay? And you ask them this. Now a guy who's genuinely serious would go, yes, and a guy who's a controlled freak, and by the way, controlled freaks are gonna resist it like nobody's business, or they'll try to manipulate you through it. A needy man will jump on the bus, but dysfunctional men, the majority, would say we don't need a book, we can figure this out on our own. Folks, relationships are dysfunctional. If we haven't figured this out by now, let's get real for a second. 50% of marriage is in divorce. The other 50%, half of those people are miserable because most human beings have terrible relationship skills or very poor skills at best. So do this work, and I recommend it before the penis goes ever inside the vagina. All right, I think this would be a good place to wrap up for today. I want to, from the bottom, let's just recap. The seven signs you're with a man who treats you as valuable and important. Number one, he appreciates your efforts with gratitude. Number two, he understands you have a life and priorities outside of him. Number three, he listens to you carefully and he responds like a grownup. Number four, he asks for your advice and he values your opinion. Number five, he understands and accepts your boundaries. Number six, he treats you as someone important in his life. And lastly, he's thinking long-term by progressing the relationship and using we language. I hope this has helped tonight. I want to thank you all from the bottom of my heart. I'm going to wrap up this podcast as I heard this live stream as I always do. First off, giving myself a big, gigantic, Jonathan Barrow of self-love. I'm going to reach into the camera and give you a hug of love if that's okay. I'm going to ask you to turn to someone, a pet, a teddy bear pillow, and give Iter them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love and let's face it, we could all use more love in our lives. I want to thank Michelle and Colleen and Renee and Leif and Stephanie and Jesse and Suzette and Carolyn and Anne and Sass and all of those that purchased the Super Sticker Super Chat. Check out the links below to a free discovery call with me to check out my podcast, to join my membership group or follow me on Instagram as well and the link for all the books I recommend is below. I want you to have a super duper, wonderful, fantastic evening. Bye now. Bye everyone, bye-bye.