 Hey Abbott, what time is it? It's time for the Abbott and Costello Show. We're on the air for ABC here in Hollywood. Well, what are we waiting for? Let's go with the Abbott and Costello Show. Yes, it's the Abbott and Costello Show, produced and transcribed in Hollywood for your listening and laughing pleasure. Juckles with a carload and music by Matty Malnet. So hold on to your chairs, folks, where here they are, but Abbott and Lou Costello. What's up? What's up tonight? I'll be the party. I say, what's up tonight? Well, I'll be the policy intercept, at the end of the first quarter, a drunk came in and yelled, who's game? It may jump at us as I am. Well, that man doesn't know much about football, does she? Oh, she thinks the rooting section is the front end of a pig. Which end is? You don't know much about football yourself, do you? You should have seen me in college, Abbott. I was a triple-thrump man. I could run, kick, and pass. Boy, I could really throw it in those days. You're not doing so bad tonight, are you? 30 touchdowns in the last 10 seconds of the game. Wait a minute, wait a minute. How could you make 30 touchdowns in 10 seconds? I had to. My mother had a bet on a game. You know, the quarterback would drop back, and then the left guard tackle left in would open up a hole, and the hole big enough you could drive a truck through. And what did you do? I drove the truck. There were only 21 men between me and a goal post. 21 men? Yes, even my teammates hated me. That's enough, Costello. I don't think you know the first thing about football. Tell me, what is an unbalanced line? An unbalanced line? Yes, Sydney Green Street's belt. I, for the more, I don't think you're even at a football game this afternoon. Oh, yes, I was, doing a half, oh, yes, I was. Doing a half time, a section of the bleachers where all the cohorts were sitting collapsed, and I dashed over. Did you rent the first aid? Yes, sir, I picked up a cute little blonde and started carrying her out when a fella says, here. Give her to me, and I said, nothing to them, brother. There's plenty more back there. Go get your own. Oh, get them out of here. Well, there's a sample of a high-grade nonsense you'll be hearing for the next half hour. But before we get back to it, listen to this. I like it myself. You look like a rhapsody in brown. All right, never mind that. Look, where have you been all day, Lou? Where have you been all day? Well, I'll tell you, I was hoping my aunt made me. She refurnished a whole house for Thanksgiving. What kind of furniture did she get? Chairs, tables, and beds. No, no, no, no, no. I mean, what period is the furniture? Louis XIV, the Colonial, or late French provincial? It's early army surplus. What? Does Uncle Mark like the furniture? Yes, especially the four-poster bed. Last night, he kicked her over the end of the floor. He kicked her right over the end of the four-poster bed. Why in the world did he do a thing like that? He dreamed he was playing for Notre Dame and his team needed the extra point. Yeah, your Uncle Mike is just like you. You're both dopes. Yeah, my Uncle Mike is no dope habit. He happens to be a very clever inventor. He just invented a new kind of motorcycle, and it's so fast. Get this. This motorcycle is so fast that you can get on it and in Los Angeles at midnight and be in Cucamonga at two o'clock in the morning. Is that so? Yeah, but there's only one thing wrong with it. What's that? Who wants to be in Cucamonga at two o'clock in the morning? Proves what I've always said. Your Uncle Mike is a shiftless loafer. He gambles away every cent that he gets. Oh, no, he reformed that, but he's never gonna shoot dice or play cards again. Ah, he said that before. I know, but this time, a judge said it. All right. Does Uncle Mike still drink as much as ever, Lou? Nah, now he quits when he's had enough. How can he tell when he's had enough? Well, he sits across the table from Aunt May and he sits there with a big button. He starts drinking. The minute Aunt May starts looking good to him, he knows he's had enough. Does your Uncle Mike and Aunt May fight as much as they used to? No, but they had an argument yesterday. She clouded them in a push and then kicked them in the stomach. Kicked them in the stomach? Yeah, but that was his fault. He turned around. Does your Uncle Mike still work for the Orange Growers, Lou? Oh, yes, yes. Some very important man in the orange business, Abbott. He's the only guy that can tell a California orange from a Florida orange. How does he do it? Well, he cuts an orange in half, holds it over a map of the United States and squeezes it. If it's a California orange, it squirts all over Florida. Look, Lou, did you have a good Thanksgiving dinner? Well, I'll tell you as soon as I get to it. Yes, I did. I found it. Yes. But we didn't have any turkey. You didn't have a turkey. Why not? By the time I got to the butchers, all the finance companies were closed. You mean to tell me that the price of turkeys is that high? Oh, the price is high. Yeah. There was one woman in a butcher shop that didn't buy anything and that weighed two pounds. Never mind that. Did you buy a turkey? I handed the butcher two bucks and says, what kind of turkey can I buy for that? And he hand me an egg. An egg? Yeah. An egg. Hey, you should go sit on that and hatch out your own turkey. What do you think I got? I got a duck. A duck? Your peace talk says, well, where did you eat your Thanksgiving dinner? Well, with the YWCA. The YWCA? Why, men aren't allowed in there. I know, but I love to go there. It takes so many of them to throw you out. You wanted to have Thanksgiving dinner with a girl. Why didn't you have a, why didn't you make a date with my wife? My wife's twin sister, Ella. Abbot, when I sit down at the table for Thanksgiving, I want to see a turkey, not an old crow. Ella's a lovely girl. Now, if you want to make a hit with her, why don't you buy her a box of candy? You know, she has a sweet tooth. I know, I've seen it. Too bad she hasn't got some more to go with it. Gentlemen, I've got a few turkeys left over from the Thanksgiving rush. Would you like to buy one? What kind of turkeys have you got? I've got Texas turkeys and Vermont turkeys. How do you tell them what? Vermont turkeys are still wearing Hoover buttons. I don't think we'd be interested. Turkeys are too high this year. Well then, how about buying a raffle ticket on a great big turkey for a quarter? I'll take two of them. Here's a half a buck. Thanks. Here's your tickets for the biggest turkey in town. Wait, just a minute. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. These aren't turkeys for, they're tickets for a turkey. These tickets are for the Abbott and Costello radio show. Do you know of a bigger turkey? I'll break every bone in his body. Where did he go? He went through that door. He did, huh? Yeah. Open up that door. Well, the door is open. What are you gonna do about it? What do you want? I just wanted to say goodbye. Costello was a shame. Thanksgiving day is nearly over and you didn't even get a turkey. Well, someday I'll be rich. Someday I'll have plenty of money. And when I do, I'll get a seat on the Chicago stockyard. You mean stock exchange? I mean stockyard. When all that meat comes in, I wanna be there. Costello, I'm afraid you'll never have any money. You don't know the value of a dollar. How can I? Every time I learn the value of a dollar, some guy in Washington changes it. Giving, boys. Look, Costello, it's our secretary, Viola Vaughn. Viola, you look beautiful. How about you and me stepping out after the show? Oh, tonight? Gee, I'll be tied up at home tonight. Good, maybe you'll be more fun that way. I'll come over and I'll tie you. Viola, you must be very busy. Every time Costello asks you for a date, you're busy. Well, I am busy. Mondays, I go to gym class. Tuesdays, I play golf. Wednesdays, I go horseback riding. And when I have nothing on, I go swimming. You couldn't pick a better time for it. A little second thought, this is Thanksgiving and I'm kinda hungry for a date. Then why not go out with me? Avic, she says she's hungry. She's not starving. Now, I suppose I did invite you over to my house tonight, Costello. What would you do? Oh, well, we play games. We play like hide and seek, maybe post office. Oh, that's a kid's game. Not the way I play it. All right now. How do you play hide and seek? Well, first you count up to 10, then run and hide in the closet. Then I count up to 10 and run and I hide in the closet. It's a lot of fun. Wait a minute, where does the fun come in? We both run to the same closet. Nah, Costello, I don't think I'll invite you over. You're too fickle. What do you mean? Well, last week after the rehearsal, you were taking a nap and I sneaked in and you were dreaming and saying, no, Rita, no, Rita, I won't kiss you. No, no, no. So what? My name is not Rita. What are you kicking about? I said no, didn't I? Ah, Viola was right. You are fickle. You're always flirting with girls. Last night I saw you driving down Hollywood Boulevard and you winked at a girl. I only winked because something got in my eye. And she got in your car, too. I'm surprised at you two arguing over girls. You're right, Viola. They aren't worth it. Women are responsible for a lot of stupid things. Shame on you, Abbott, bringing your mother into this conversation. You idiot. Why don't you find yourself a girl and get married? Viola, you're the kind of a girl I'd love to be married to. Oh, why do you want to marry me? Being married to you would be wonderful. We could have 10 children. 10 children? Yes, and if we like them the second year, we could have 10 more. Viola would be silly to marry you. All you do is chase girls. Mr. Abbott is right, Costello. I understand that you've kissed every blonde in Hollywood. I have not. Well, all right, name one blonde in Hollywood you haven't kissed. I'll name two. Alan Ladd and Van Johnson. You idiot, Alan Ladd and Van Johnson wouldn't kiss you. They wouldn't? No, they wouldn't. Okay, I'll scratch their names out of my book. See, Viola, I was right. Costello's not the guy for you. He has no brains. He has no looks and he has no money. Now, I'm beginning to think you're right. Just a minute. Now, listen here, Rabbit, if you don't stop crabbing me with girls, I'm gonna hide your court screw. No! No, no, no, no! What's taking you? Before it gets too thick, let's interrupt it for another reminder on a serious subject. Well, and here's our new singer, Hal Winters. Let's give Hal a nice big hand. Nice big hand for Hal Winters. Come over here. What are you doing out there in the hall? Hey, Abbott, the employees of the network just raffled off a turkey. And my number was 1-1-8-9-6-4-3-2-6-5-9-2. And? And, and a fellow stander right next to me, he had number 1-1-8-9-6-4-3-2-6-5-9-1. So he said to me, I'll trade you my number 1-1-8-9-6-4-3-2-6-5-9-1 for your number 1-1-8-9-6-4-3-6-5-9-2. So? So I traded him my number 1-1-8-9-6-4-3-2-6-5-9-1. For his number 1-1-3-9-6-4-3-2-6-5-9-2. Well, who won the turkey? One of the vice presidents would take a number three. If all the turkeys in the world were laid end to end, that's the part I would get. Crazy about turkey. Today, when she sat down at the table, she had a turkey neck. Why don't you wear a muffler? Nobody would notice it. Roll the paper under your arm. That's a Thanksgiving play we're gonna do for the people tonight. And I wrote it myself. Well, what's the name of your play? I call it The Brave Little Band of Pilgrims who landed on Honest John's rock. Yeah, tell me that's Plymouth Rock. How do you like that? Even in those days, Honest John was the only one that could get a Plymouth. Never mind that. Let's get along with the play. The killer of Costello's play, we take you back to the year 1620, where we find a brave little band of adventurers aboard the Good Ship Mayflower. The brave captain has eaten nothing but fish. Nothing but fish for 90 days. But that doesn't faze him. Let's listen to this fish phase. Make John Olden Costello. Where are you? Here I am, Captain Miles Standish Abbott. We've had some pretty tough weather. How's the ship holding up? I have a report on the Misen mass. What about the Misen mass? It's been misen for three days. Look out! There's a note stuck to that dagger. Aha! There's mutiny among the men. Read this note, First Mate John Olden Costello. The First Mate is a dirty land lover, and he should drop dead. Which one of you swabs wrote this? I did, sir. Give that man 20 lashes and a box of Snickers. I know what we'll do. We'll put the whole crew on bread and water. Why pamper them? Better meet the regular food. Think you made a mistake. When we left England, I think you forgot to untie a boat from the dock. What makes you say that? Just look behind us. We're in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, and people are still waving goodbye to us. Look! Look, John Olden Costello, there's land ahead. We should be proud. The Mayflower has broken all records for the Atlantic crossing. Yes, we beat the Queen Elizabeth by 326 years. Thank Columbus for showing us the way. He marked the route. That's funny. I didn't see a Burma Shave sign all the way across. John Olden Costello, watch where you're searing the boat. Don't worry, Captain Miles Stannis have it. I know every reef along this coast. There's one now. You idiot. That's the shore. Quick, drop the anchor. Aye-aye, sir. Here she goes. Tell her, what are you doing down there in the water? Well, you're asking me for one. It's just a sound man. He just got soaked. I forgot to let go of the anchor. So the little boat Mayflower made the crossing. The shore was deserted. No Indians came down to greet them. It was seven o'clock on a Sunday night. All the Indians were home in their wigwam. Listen, they're all trying to guess the mystery tune on Stop the Tom Time. First mate John Olden Costello drops the gang plank and down the runway comes the beautiful Priscilla. You and I are the first people to set foot on this new land. This virgin territory belongs to no one. Priscilla, my love, are you sure this land belongs to no one? Look what it says on that rock. What? Los Angeles city limits. Olden Costello, our people are starving. We must go into the woods and get food for our little band of pilgrims. Look over there, Rabbit. There's a field of corn. That's Indian corn. That's maize. Do you think maize would mind if we take a little? What are you talking about? You just said the corn belonged to maize. I did not. I said the corn was maize. Then it's maize corn. That's right. What's wrong with finding maize and asking for some of her corn? I didn't say the corn belonged to maize. I merely said the corn was maize. How do you like that? Here it is, the year of 1620 and this guy is starting a routine. That's how maize is Indian corn. The Indians grind their own corn. Those Indians are smart. We pay riders to grind ours. Here comes an Indian. I'll be friendly and say hello to him. How do you say hello to an Indian? How? I asked you first. I just told you. Told me what? How? If I knew how, I wouldn't be asking you. What did you ask me? How? Now, now you've got it. Got it. Now I'm really mixed up. It may be after our scalps. Well, look, there's a note tied on that arrow. I'll read it. Men, are you slowly losing your hair? See, Chief Tomahawk can lose it all at once. Castella, it comes in an Indian and he has his hand raised. Say something to him. Chief, you can go now. Uh, me scalp. Me chief, chief underwear. Why do they call you chief, chief underwear? Me creep up on you. Step him aside and make way for big chief. That must have been a super chief. Watch him language pale face. Meet him big chief running water. He looks like a big drip. Chief, meet my friend John Alden Castello. Are you gay? Are you gay? Abbott, we gotta get better actors. You're dumb of your reading that wrong. That's... Oak. Oak. Listen, Tubby. I've got as much right to play an Indian as you have to play John Alden. Oh, yeah? I'll have you know that my great-grandfather goes back to Martha Washington. He does? Yes, of course. He only goes back there when George is in home. Oh, who cares about that? I've got troubles of my own. Why, only this morning, I was sending up some smoke signals to my sweetheart, Pocahontas. And what happened? Her father came along and put out my fire. Well, I've got to go now. And as we say in Indian, you father, I'm stead, I'm a hawk to you. And your father's busted tomahawk to you, too. Alden Castell, I have the courage to propose to the fair Priscilla. You, as my best friend, must do it for me. You mean you want me to make love to the fair Priscilla for you? Yes. He doesn't know me very well, does he, folks? Go into Priscilla's cabin, John Alden Castell. Propose to her, propose to her for me. Tell her, tell her I'm a soldier. And if she refuses me, I'll go back to the bottle. You mean you'll go back to the battle? You'll go back to what you like, and I'll go back to what I like. Knock my head in. Castella, my little bouncing Boston-baked beans. Ah, Priscilla, my little tomato. Smother me with a ketchup of your kisses. When I'm close to you like this, something cold seems to spread all over me. It does. Yes, you dropped your popsicle down the back of my neck. Hey, tell me, why have you come here? To propose to you for my dear friend, Myles Stendish Abbott, the poor, broken-down guy. He couldn't come himself, he's all shot. He's practically falling apart. He can't even read a straight line anymore. And he's not ready to cut me, can he? Priscilla, my love. Not used to straight lines either. Priscilla, my love. You couldn't go for him, could you? Are you proposing for him? Sure. It must be wonderful to have a true devoted friend like you. If Myles Stendish Abbott had another friend like me, he wouldn't need any enemies. Oh, why don't you speak for yourself, John Alden Castello, honey? I'd love to marry you, Priscilla, but I can't. I'm already married. Wait a minute, Castello. We're doing a story from history. And the history books say that John Alden was a bachelor. That was before the historians found out about John's other wife. Oh, let me out of here. I've never heard through it yet. Right now, they want you to hear this. We didn't get a chance to do our Sam Shovel detective mysteries tonight. That's right, Abbott, but Sam Shovel will be back next Thursday night. Well, what is your Sam Shovel story for next week? Well, it's one of my liveliest cases. I call it the case of the Coors girls who went swimming in their underwear or down to the sea in slips. Well, that's about all for the night, Castello. All except telling the folks about our Svel gang that helps put the show together, our writing staff is headed by Eddie Foreman with Paul Conlon, Pat Costello, Martin Raghaway, and Leonard Stern. And let's not forget our capable producer, Charles Vendor. And let's not forget to say good night. Good night, folks. Good night, everybody of Paterson. Good night, sir. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.