 Some action movie franchises continue to get better with age. The action, the acting, the scope, everything's just intensified times a thousand. I'm of course referring to Mission Impossible. The die-hard franchise has become shit. Today I'm ranking them worst to best and I won't be surprised if our lists line up for the most part, maybe one or two in the wrong spot. Let's get started on movie feuds. You know what I hate about this movie? Everything. Contrary to what the title says, it was not a good day to die-hard. In fact, it was a pretty fucking terrible day too. Die-hard is my favorite action movie of all time, so to go from that greatness to this pile of shit is beyond obsidian. No one who worked on this film clearly cares. The script is some half-assed repurpose of an initial half-assed idea. John McClane goes to Russia to begrudgingly help save his son Jack, all while saying he's on vacation. Well, which is it, John? Are you on vacation? Are you saving your son? Gotta hate this movie! Chris Willis doesn't even seem interested here, and it doesn't help that he's bouncing dialogue off Jai Courtney. Planks of wood look at this actor and say, he's pretty dry. It's perplexing how he keeps landing big-budget films. The action is your run-of-the-mill, lazy, shaky cam with some comical CGI shots thrown in for fun. The spirit and the humor from the previous entries, that's completely gone, along with any sort of memorable villain. Someone at Fox must have something against Die-hard because no one in the right mind hires the director of Max Payne and the writer of X-Men Origins Wolverine without knowing it's going to fail miserably. Thankfully, it's a swift karate chop to the dick, and then it's out the door. It only runs 97 minutes long, by far the shortest of the series. Yippee-ki-yay, Mother Russia, as they say on the poster. Let's move on. There are two main reasons this falls short for me. Keep in mind, I do enjoy Die-hard 4. It's just not the same as the first three. Number one hang-up, it's PG-13. It's called fucking Die-hard, dammit. Not die kind of hard, or die limp. Where's the bloodshed? Where's the swearing? Fox has an astonishing ability to take any good property at one point and just throw it into the ground and run it over repeatedly, then rape it when it's already dead. It seems aggressive, I know, but that's not me, that's Fox. They hired Len Wiseman, which was a fine choice. He did good with Underworld, although I'm not a huge fan of his blue tint he added to everything. But making him water down one of the most badass motherfuckers in all of cinema, to PG-13 is just absurd. Where was the chain-smoking, bitch-slapping, pill-popping, shit-talking, tough-as-nails cop from the first three movies? Let's talk about the Timothy Olefont in the room. That is the second reason this fails for me. Computer hacker Thomas Gabriel just wasn't much of a threat, nor was he a unique bad guy, especially for Die-hard. Fortunately, even a censored John McClane can still kick ass, and this movie has its fair share. There is some great stunt work and impressive MacGyver-esque take-downs throughout the picture. And McClane does drive a car into a woman and drop her down an elevator shaft, so that counts for something. Doing a little ring around the Rosie on the back of a jet, though, that's where I draw the line. Justin Long was tolerable, but he's no Sergeant Al Powell or Zeus Carver. Yippee-ki-yay, mother gunshot. That's badass. Director Renny Harlan doesn't get much praise when it comes to his films, but he should. He's done some great action flicks. Cliffhanger, Deep Blue Sea, an extremely underrated film called The Long Kiss Good Night. See it if you haven't right now, and then Die-hard 2. Die-harder is Movie 90's action at its best. There are snowmobile chases, plane explosions, a cool double cross, a shootout in the Annex Skywalk. The fact that it's called Annex Skywalk is awesome. One guy gets a fucking icicle to the eye. Johnny Jax from a fallen helicopter just before an explosion. He has a fist fight on a plane just before it takes off. The whole final act feels like something out of a side-scrolling beat-em-up. It's just, what, Travis? You're seriously giving me the wrap this up? Are you... Let me ask you something, Trav. What sets off the metal detector first? The lead in your ass or the shit in your brains? Right? I know we don't have a metal detector, just work with me! You know what they say, you want to do something right? You got to hire back John McTiernan. Die-hard 1 director comes back with a vengeance for a more of a buddy cop dynamic told in a very die-hard way. It makes sense considering the script was originally for Elite the Weapon sequel, but it was repurposed for McClane and friends. Willis and Jackson have great chemistry together, exchanging insults and smart-ass lines effortlessly. It features some of the best action in the series, one of which features McClane in an elevator full of douchebags who he takes out the last guy, point-blank shot to the face, and blood splatter. It's fantastic. The other is a short but sweet car chase where John pulls the e-brake whilst shooting the passing-by vehicle out the side window. Jeremy Irons' Simon Gruber would make his brother proud, pushing these two guys to their breaking point, all while he keeps his eye on the prize, throwing a little misdirection their way. Simon says, go to round one. Fuck! Number one. God damn it. Look at these shields confused. There's not just one thing that works in die-hard. Everything and every one works. The script is tight and chock full of great one-liners, interesting twists and creative set pieces. Then there are the characters. Bruce Willis is not even the highlight here, although he's damn great. The real showstopper is Hans Gruber, played by Alan Rickman. This was his first big movie role and the studios were shitting in their pants, worried about how he was doing. Some thought he needed to be fired. Pulled out halfway through production, but the director and some of the cast members knew wiser. They said, no, this guy is the movie. And they were right. Rickman's Gruber is brilliant. He is my favorite villain to this day. Cunning, ruthless, funny, and above all else, he's different. Hans Gruber's not your run of the mill terrorist. Hell, he's not a terrorist at all. Just a very crafty robber who's got one hell of a pest control problem in the form of an NYPD cop. A man who's on vacation to see his separated wife, Holly. It should have been a nice little time. Come to the coast, have a few laughs. There are so many great side characters, too, from Sergeant Powell, or as I refer to him as, Twinkie Cop, to Holly Sleazy co-worker Ellis. Show him the watch. Candice, can we get a clip of Ellis and Gruber talking back and forth for a while? You get up, yeah, drop your donut and coffee, get off your fat ass and do it. She's the worst. Hans, booby, I'm your white knight. Argyle, the giant teddy bear, the FBI agents, the computer hacker, AKA Dwayne Wayne, AKA, oh my God, the quarterback is toast. The dude that's eating the crunch bar while he's waiting for the police officers to rush the building. Then Carl, Gruber's right-hand man. You wanna talk about a guy that dies hard? That's how you die hard. Hang in from a chain, only to fucking get out of it, run outside the building, then get shot up a bunch of times. That's how you die hard. Most of this franchise is just a Bangladesh, a sharp dialogue, great performances and fantastic action. And yes, Bangladesh is a word I'm making up that means a lot of. I can enjoyably sit through all four of the movies and will now continue to ignore the existence of five. There are always rumors of a sixth entry taking shape. There's whispers that it's gonna be a prequel to the events of Nakatomi Plaza, which, whatever, that does nothing for me. But you know what they say, old habits die hard. Now I wanna hear from you, though. Leave your comments below. I wanna see your list. I hope they lined up. I think they're gonna be pretty close. I'm always interested in what you have to say, though. More than just reviews, this is movie feuds. Seriously, can we just call the last movie die hardest? Would that be so much work? But no, Hollywood's gotta be creative with their titles. It'll be something like die hard six Nakatomi Rises.