 Lux presents Hollywood Company the makers of Lux toilet soap bring you the Lux radio theater starring Clifton Webb, Colleen Gray and Robert Stack in Mr. Belvedere Goes to Collie Ladies and gentlemen your producer Mr. William Keelan Greetings from Hollywood ladies and gentlemen On rare occasions a character in a picture or play will become so identified with one star that the audience simply can't imagine anyone else in the park Now that's the way it is with Mr. Belvedere and Clifton Webb It all began in a delightful comedy called Sitting Pretty and the public admired Mr. Belvedere and Clifton Webb to such a fabulous extent that a sequel was immediately demanded 20th Century Fox came through a few months ago with a second hit Mr. Belvedere Goes to College You'll hear it tonight with Clifton Webb as the versatile and ubiquitous Lynn Belvedere and starring with Mr. Webb, Robert Stack and Colleen Gray Colleen Gray as a co-ed is quite typical of the standard of beauty among American college girls You know there's one thing these girls seem to learn long before they go to college and that's the best way to take care of a beautiful complexion Like the screen stars the smart co-eds depend on luck's toilet soap care Once again you meet the famous Mr. Belvedere as the curtain rises on the first act of tonight's play Starting Clifton Webb in a title role Colleen Gray as Ellen and Robert Stack as Bill On a bright autumn morning a visitor pauses at the gates of Clemens University Then with an air of mixed boredom and determination, he starts across the campus Hey, the tickets for the Wabash game, they're on sale now What were you going Joe? You bumped right into the statue Hey, who is this statue anyway? Who is it? That's Mr. Lux Lux Who? Mr. Lux Lux, can't you read what it says there? Lux Metis Lux Orbis Yeah, but what's it mean? Search me, maybe he's the guy who invented the soap they advertised the radio Lux Mentis, Lux Orbis Huh? Oh The light of the mind is the light of the world Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle The point is well taken Can either of you add a lessons direct me to the office of the dean Huh? Oh, oh, yeah, straight ahead to the library at two blocks right Thank you Well, who's that guy? New prop I guess. Come on, Joe, let's get our tickets So you are Lynn Belvedere That is correct, Dean Gibbs I can't tell you how happy my wife would be to learn that I've met you She read your book, you know Said it was a work of art Yes, it is Now, just what can I do for you, Mr. Belvedere? You may register me in this university What on earth for? Ten thousand dollars I don't follow Dr. Gibbs, my novel Hummingbird Hill has just won the Morehouse Award Consisting of a gold medal and ten thousand dollars in cash Well, surely the money doesn't mean anything to you Money is the root of all evil. I respect it The less I have of it, the more I respect it And at the moment I have the greatest respect for it But you must have made a fortune on your book I also lost a fortune in libel suits I am, in legal terms, a pauper But what has all this to do with postgraduate work here at Clemens? Not postgraduate work I wish to register as a freshman A freshman? What, Mr. Belvedere? Unfortunately, the Morehouse Award stipulates that the recipient hold a college degree And you don't? My formal education was limited to two revolting weeks in kindergarten Oh, you're not serious I am grim But good heavens, man, who taught you? The most exacting person I've ever met, myself Well, this is simply phenomenal Yes, it is And you want to spend the next four years here so that you may claim this literary prize? One year I beg your pardon But that's impossible You're six weeks late already, and you expect to complete a four-year course in one year? I intend, Dr. Gibbs, not expect But it's never been done before I've never been here before Mr. Belvedere, if you don't mind, I suggest we call on President Keating immediately Thank you Do you have a special case, Mr. Belvedere, or a very special case? It certainly is, President Keating And I am going to make an exception That is as it should be But Dr. Keating, he doesn't even hold a high school diploma Therefore, Dean Gibbs, you will arrange entrance examinations as soon as Mr. Belvedere is prepared for them Uh, would February be too soon? February? By February, I should be entering my sophomore year Your-your what? Dean Gibbs, I should be grateful if your staff examines me at the earliest possible moment Shall we say this afternoon? This afternoon? You heard him, Dean Gibbs, this afternoon Please, Mr. Belvedere, astonishing, simply astonishing Yes, aren't they? And his IQ, President Keating, the highest I've ever seen Naturally, I am a genius And that very fact compels me to suspect your motive, Mr. Belvedere, in joining us here Mr. Belvedere, this attempt of yours to complete four-year schooling in less than one Well, it could disguise an ulterior motive, you know A subterfuge is a strategy employed by idlers and parasites I have never been either Then you won't object if we stipulate a condition Which is? That if you should attempt to use this university for a-for a publicity stunt To exploit your novel or yourself If there is any notoriety or sensationalism during your stay here It shall become my unpleasant duty to expel you Condition accepted Allow me to welcome you officially to Clemens University Thank you, President Keating I'm not kidding, he's there in our room now An old guy, gee whiz, I thought maybe it was your father or something Come to visit you But what old guy? Who is he? I don't know, I was kind of scared to ask him He gives you such a funny look Well, we'll see about that right now Hey, what's going on here? It's quite obvious, young man I have been assigned to this dormitory And I am unpacking my clothing Yeah, we'll shut that window I am merely ventilating my 840 cubic feet You what? You see, Avery, I told you You shut up Young man, this room contains 2,520 cubic feet Since there are three beds in the room Each of us is entitled to breathe 840 cubic feet of air and no more Fresh air Gee whiz, can't you see I got a cold in my head A physiological impossibility, young man Disease cannot exist in a vacuum Shut up I saw you yesterday at the campus, didn't I? By Mr. Lux Lux Now who are you? Gentlemen, an exceedingly unkind fate has thrown us together You mean you're going to be our roommate? Regrettably, yes You're a student? That is correct, my nasal neophyte What class? I am a freshman A freshman? Well, you don't say I'm a freshman, too But Avery here, he's a sophomore What's your name? Lynn Belvedere You will address me as Mr. Belvedere Now listen here, you're in college and you're a freshman The lowest form of animal life And while you're here, you're right under this thub What have you got to say about that? It needs a manicure The coat of the campus, understand? Does the coat of the campus permit me to make a suggestion? Shoot Blow your nose Now listen, you My name is Avery Brubecker And you refer to me at all times as Mr. Brubecker, see? My name's Cornelius Whitaker, Mr. Belvedere But on account of I'm a freshman, too You can call me Corny Shut up And you'll do everything I say or get Pig for the sophomore council Am I to understand that this university Supports an inquisition? Oh boy, does it I can show you the scars Where's your dig? I beg your pardon Oh, he means this, Mr. Belvedere This little cap we gotta wear, see? It's a dink You get down to the co-op, Belvedere And buy yourself a dink You wear it at all times, see? And if you don't, boy... You mean I am compelled to wear this obscene article? Oh, you'll get used to them after a while You and Whitaker will share a cleaning up this joint Making my bed for me and calling me for classes Any questions, Belvedere? Hey, where do you think you're going? I'm going to the library Oh, no, you're not You'll go to the co-op and buy yourself a dink And when you've bought yourself a dink And put the dink on your head Then, mister, then maybe you can go to the library You got me? I've got you, Mr. Boo Baker And the possession revolts me Good day Hello Yes, young lady? Pardon me, but by any chance are you Lynn Belvedere, the author of Hummingbird Hills? I am the author of Hummingbird Hills But not by chance I've been looking everywhere for you I heard you were registered And I just had to see you I'm sorry, young lady I do not give autographs Oh, I don't want an autograph I'm Ellen Baker And I'm on the Daily Lion That's a college newspaper And I want to interview you About what? Well, what you think of college And how it feels to be a freshman at your age And, well, just about everything Miss Baker, since my arrival here Certain circumstances make it impossible For me to grant any interviews But it's vitally important to me Why, an interview with a celebrity like you Might give me my start as a writer I admire your ambition, Miss Baker But my answer is irrevocably no Now, would you be so kind as to tell me Where the Student Employment Bureau is located? Well, it's right across the street from the co-op But if you're... Thank you, Miss Baker This is the Student Employment Bureau, all right? But since the two of you came in pricey together Well, ladies first Hi, Ellen Hello, Bill Why, ladies first? Just common courtesy, the usual thing For your information, young man Woman has never been first In the entire tragic history of the human race Huh? It was not Adam who sprang from Eve's rib Nor did Mrs. Noah, Captain of the Ark Neither can the Distaff side Play Mr. Einstein, nor Mr. Tchaikovsky, nor Mr. Lincoln What about Madam Curie? Monsieur Curie's story has never been told Therefore, Miss Baker, you will kindly step aside Okay, Mr. What can I do for you? I am seeking part-time employment During the college year What's your name? Ben Belvedere And now, exactly, why do you need employment? In order that I won't starve to death Well, that's a pretty good reason What can you do? Everything Well, most of the better jobs are all filled by now Let's see now There's an opening for a soda jerk There still is Would you, uh... Would you like to be a babysitter? I've been all through that I'm afraid that's all there is, Mr. Belvedere Except assistant hasher at the Tri-Gam House I don't recommend that to my worst enemy Tell me, what is a Tri-Gam House? Oh, that's a sorority The Gamma, Gamma, Gamma sorority Girls, Mr. Belvedere, lots of them They've got the best Norwegian cook in the world But outside of that, oh, brother And, uh, what are the functions of an assistant hasher? Oh, waiting on table, helping clean up the place You get three meals a day and fifty bucks a month Say, my mother's a house mother there So if you want the job, it's yours I accept the position I'm warning you, this is a slap-happiest Bunch of dames on the whole campus In that case, there will be some changes made Okay Here, just take this car to the Tri-Gam House and ask for my mother, Mrs. Chase She'll take care of you, thank you What can I do for you, Ellen? Oh, nothing special I was just showing Mr. Belvedere where the employment bureau was located It's obvious, Mr. Chase, the Miss Baker is slightly less than delighted to see you and is using me for a strategic withdrawal Good day He's quite a character, isn't he? So are you Now, why did you come here? Well, because a friend of mine needs a babysitter for afternoons Okay, what address? 41 Burnham Street Hey, that's where you live, isn't it? Well, it's an apartment house Ellen, look, four weeks That's a long time to be brushed off I haven't been brushing you off, Bill, it's just... Oh, sure, I know Between classes and all the work in the newspaper you're just having a minute to spare Why do you think I put you on the staff? Because being a good editor, you know I can write Sure, and your big blue eyes had nothing to do with it Well, what's your friend's name? The one with the baby Mrs. David Ashley Well, tell her we can't promise anything You know, people are beginning to find out that there are easier ways of making money than having junior vivisectom Don't you like children? Crazy about them Especially with their straight jackets on Oh, I'll tell her Thanks, Bill I am waiting to see a Mrs. Chase Well, just find a living room and spread out I'll tell her you're here Thank you Mrs. Chase! For an execution, you have been mutilating the entire composition Oh, I have Well, I suppose you can play better That is correct Allow me I beg your pardon Beethoven? No Belvedere Rubenstein plays like me Mrs. Chase, the house mother How do you do? May I say that this house which your mothering is on the brink of chaos Oh, isn't it just so? Mrs. Chase, I am Lin Belvedere Oh, but of course You must be the father of one of my girls In that unlikely event, madam I think you would recall my face Your son sent me here He gave me this card My son? You, assistant hair-shot Oh, but that's silly I am in need of substance, madam I chose this position Oh, you're just feeding me this Belvedere You're not really a student You don't really want to house here If you will outline my duties, yes Really? Oh, well, I feel it only fair to tell you the job offers very little opportunity With 20 undisciplined females in the house I shall make my own opportunity Oh, yes Well, if you'll just follow me I'll introduce you to our course Thank you Belvedere, Martha He's our new assistant hair-shot Martha is our fresher, Mr. Belvedere How do you do? May I get there? Talk, Martha In a day, they can snuck a norsk So, Zuck With merket, with merket Why, Mr. Belvedere, you speak no region I speak 11 tongues fluently including the Indian sign language Won't that be nice for Martha? Higher Oh, Avery, I'm so glad you're here I want you to meet your new assistant Assistant? To him? Well, howdy-doody, Belvedere, boy So you're gonna be my little helper Oh, you two know each other? Unfortunately, yes And I regret to inform you that I... I have just resigned What? Mr. Belvedere My dear, Martha I'm sorry our association was so short-lived Given a little more time I could have brought you to full flower as a cook If he quits, Mrs. Chase, they quit too Oh, Martha, no No, you can't Oh, Mr. Belvedere We'll get New York together You can't quit Either of you If anyone is going to quit around here But she whizzed, Mrs. Chase What have I done? One moment, please I recognize that Mr. Bubecker is inviting a proposal for compromise Very well, Mr. Bubecker During our working hours we shall observe an armed truce In the event of any aggression I shall retain the veto power over your trigamma destiny Agreed? Huh? Well, yeah, I guess so Splendid Fetch me a white jacket, Mr. Bubecker and hop to it Huh? Yes Tell me, Martha, come here What is, uh, what is for dessert this evening? Can pineapple Spare the can up on a, Martha The dessert will be my contribution You make? It's good, good And tonight, Mrs. Chase we shall dine buffet That is all You may go now Great Belvedere That plate is not for you, Miss Ockentross Kindly be good enough to serve, Mrs. Chase Oh, but I always wait on myself, Mr. Belvedere You are an elder, Mrs. Chase Therefore you will be seated and Miss Ockentross will serve you Oh, what? Hey, get a load of this dessert Is this stuff dreamy? Miss Norman Appreciation of good cuisine should be demonstrated without benefit of dialogue or sound effects Sorry, Mr. Belvedere Well, I, for one, don't need lessons and manners from a hasher Possibly not, Miss Ockentross But your appearance warrants comment Oh, such as? Since you ask I should advise you to make no claims but you cannot later prove Well, really? I'm referring to your eyelashes, Miss Ockentross Obviously artificial Oh, look, why, Bill? Young ladies, please, please We can only stay a minute, Mom I'd like to have you meet Ellen Baker Ellen, this is my mother Oh, how do you do my dear? Well, you must be new I haven't seen you before, have I? I guess not, Mrs. Chase You see, I transferred here from Stanford for my senior year Oh, your home is in California Just outside of Burlingame Burlingame Oh, of course! The Baker's a Burlingame Oh, I danced once with Medbury Baker Oh, of course, I was much younger then You see, my family's The Medbury Baker's, well, well, well Now you two must stay and have coffee with me I'm sorry, Mom, we've got to blow But you will have dinner with us, Miss Baker next week, maybe Oh, thanks, I'd love to Oh, splendid, well, good night, Miss Baker Bill, what's this Medbury Baker business about? Don't mind my mother She's got bruises from jumping to conclusion Oh, that was Ellen Medbury Baker from Burlingame Oh, wonderful family Very distinguished You know, you girls ought to rush her Oh, I'm so sorry, Mr. Belvedere You're about to say something Yes, I too have a word for the young ladies Now then, as we conclude our first meal I wish to comment on my observations Miss Atkins, Miss Smith, Miss Harris Yes, yes You have dined tonight with shirt-tails outhanging Sloppiness is definitely per se even at Wellesley Miss Willis, the Johnson twins Yes You were several minutes late Henceforth, hours for meals will be rigidly enforced as follows Breakfast, 7 to 8 a.m. Lunch, 12 to 1 p.m. Dinner, 7 to 8 p.m. One second late, no admittance We shall now synchronize our watches Are you ready? It is now precisely 8.02 Check Check Thank you Good night, young ladies Why can't I come up? Come on, be nice Invite me I told you, Bill I have to babysit That friend of mine Mrs. Ashley, huh? But when do I see you again? Do you want to? I wasn't very good company Under my guidance, you'll improve Tomorrow night, 7 Okay, Bill, tomorrow night And just be sure your friend gets someone else to hold hands with their little monster Yes, I'll tell her, Bill Good night We'll bring you act two And now, here's our Hollywood reporter Libby Collins with news about the stars You know, Barbara Stanmick amazes me Such a straightforward person in real life But what a ruthless character on the screen It takes an actress of Barbara's caliber to play the high tension role she has in her new picture, Thelma Jordan What a thriller, how Wallace has just turned out for Paramount Or perhaps I should say, Chiller Thelma Jordan certainly made my blood run cold Well, that's what top-notch melodrama should do, Libby And does when it's played by experts like Barbara and her co-star Wendell Corey Oh, yes, Wendell certainly gives a great performance as a courier man ruined by a scheming woman And Barbara, you know, what zest and vitality she brings to every picture she makes Great deal of glamour, too Yes, John With her dark, smooth beauty Barbara Stanmick is glamour in person One of her greatest charms, of course, is her creamy complexion A lovely luxe complexion Everyone knows that Barbara's been a luxe girl for years Yes, indeed She's really devoted to luxe toilet soap And for all over luxe loveliness she's delighted with a new bath size cake This fine new product of Lever Brothers Company has made a hit in Hollywood That's because it's luxurious enough to please Hollywood's loveliest stars That generous new cake makes a perfect beauty bath Gives you lots of creamy lather and leaves a lovely clinging fragrance on the skin The luxe soap perfume is blended by experts It's made of costly ingredients brought from all parts of the world It always reminds me of a springtime bouquet No wonder screen stars Lovely women everywhere are enthusiastic about the new bath size luxe toilet soap The whole family will enjoy this generous satin smooth cake Get the bath size luxe toilet soap tomorrow Remember, this is the fragrant white soap 9 out of 10 screen stars recommend Now, our producer, Mr. William Keeling Act II of Mr. Belvedere goes to college starring Clifton Webb as Mr. Belvedere Robert Stack as Bill and Colleen Gray as Ellen Well, several days have gone by and Mr. Belvedere has adapted himself to life in Clemens College Or perhaps it should be stated that Clemens College has adapted itself to life with Mr. Belvedere That is up till now for Mr. Belvedere has received an urgent message to report to the office of Dean Gibbs I have been waiting for you, Mr. Belvedere, for almost an hour Then let's not dally, Dr. Gibbs Mr. Belvedere, have you seen this? Today's issue of the Daily Lion I gave that alleged newspaper the casual glance it deserves nothing more You have openly violated your agreement President Keeling That is not true I did not say those things for publication Famous author debunks college traditions Thinks, dinks, stink Female students concentrate on nothing but men Athletes are subsidized Mr. Belvedere My pithy observations, Dean Gibbs were recorded by Mr. Baker without my consent or knowledge Without your consent? Definitely Therefore, I intend to bring suit for libel not only against this aspiring young lady but against the university Well, now, Mr. Belvedere, let's not lose our heads We are securely seated, sir But surely there must be a more sensible way of remedying There is Miss Baker and the editors of this absurd publication must be severely reprimanded But we can't do that Why not? But this is a liberal university The faculty can't tell students what to write There'd be a revolt In that event, I shall relieve the faculty of this burden and take the matters into my own hands Good afternoon But, but, Mr. Belvedere Yes Oh, good afternoon I would like to see... I'm sorry, but Mrs. Ashley isn't home Mrs. Ashley But I'm calling on Miss Ellen Baker Oh, that's her maiden name How do you do, little boy? Was Mrs. Ashley expecting you? Oh, yes Yes, she's expecting me Well, I'm just the babysitter I don't know whether I should... You're not playing with me? I should be delighted Don't point that thing, little boy Firearms are not for children Put it down And a good boy for Mrs. Hall? Just as good as gold, Mrs. Ashley With a little trainee you can make a very fine gangster out of him Mr. Belvedere, what are you doing here? Nothing half so fascinating as what you're doing, Miss Baker He said you were expecting him It's all right, Mrs. Hall Just take Davy to his room, will you? Come along, honey Goodbye, Daddy Daddy? Davy, this man is not your daddy Now run along Isn't it a little presumptuous of you to come here uninvited? Isn't it equally presumptuous of you to write an article about me without my consent? Just because I was enterprising enough to pick up information about you What you wrote was not information it was gossip and a no less bad taste than if I were to write about your private Peccadillo's Don't you dare call Davy a Peccadillo His father and I... I am not the seat of judgment, Miss Baker I am here merely to warn you that your future flights into journalism must not be taken at the expense of my name and reputation Mr. Belvedere, the truth is well, I've simply got to write about you again in detail And you expect me to consent? You must consent It means everything to me and Davy When I first got the idea to write an article about you for the college paper I saw possibilities way beyond that So you wrote to several national periodicals This reply from Look Magazine is most interesting It mentions the sum of... $500 You looked at that telegram on my desk Naturally Why, you're an unethical eavesdropper Yes, I am Let me write it I'll write the best story you ever saw Please, Mr. Belvedere, it's the start of a career for me And the definite end of one for me Consent denied All right, I'll do it anyway And you can't stop me You're a public figure and I... I don't need your permission Miss Baker, I shouldn't if I were you The least you could do is to give me a little time to explain what this means to me Miss Baker, I am still a freshman at Clemens University As such, I am compelled to attend the sophomore freshman track meet at four o'clock Good day There is now time 42 pence for the sophomores 32 pence for the freshmen Next and final event, the court of law Gee, Mr. Belvedere, how can you just sit here and read a book? Didn't you hear what he said? The score's all time I must ask you again, Cornelius, not to interrupt me Furthermore, the month of November is an extremely unlikely time for young men to go fitting about in union suits In any event, Cornelius... Yes? Get lost Now on the field We're voting for the sophomores Avery, Brooklaker Look at him, Mr. Belvedere That's him, that's Avery out there Catching another cold, no doubt We're making those 12 feet 3 inches for the sophomores No, no, we're dead, Mr. Belvedere We're cooked Kindly stop jiggling You don't understand why Galloway can't come near 12 feet Who is Galloway? He's our entry, the freshman entry in the pole vault Gee, Mr. Belvedere, how can you be so calm and peaceful when these two dinks are in the balance? I beg your pardon Holy smoke, don't you know? If we lose this pole vault to the sophomores we've lost the meat and we're stuck with these dinks till next June And if we win? Well, we get rid of our dinks right now Cornelius, into each life some rain must fall Mr. Brooklaker is about to get drenched Hey, where are you going? Mr. Belvedere, hey! Now voting for the freshman Al Galloway in his third and final jump the bar remains at 12 feet 3 They hand everything with a substitute entry for the freshman replacing Galloway in his... his... Win, Belvedere! I don't get this, Mr. Belvedere You mean to say you're going to jump without even changing your clothes or for anything? I shall roll up my trousers Young man, at what height did Mr. Brooklaker clear the bar? For all three Well, that's a new high for him Can't you tell the officials to set the bar at 14 feet? 14 feet? Okay, Mr. Belvedere Hiya, Mr. Belvedere Good afternoon, Mr. Brooklaker You know, there are easier ways of committing suicide Guy, you're right You'll break your back, throw it up and your legs coming down Gangway, please Thank you Do you realize it was just four inches off the record set in 1922 by a guy named... by a guy named... Now, wait a minute It's right here in the record book by a guy named... Lynn Belvedere That is correct Here, have a dink Thanks for such a wonderful evening, Bill I don't know when I've had such a nice time I don't know when I did either Ellen, can't we... Can't we just sit here for a while? You sound much too serious, Bill About you? I'm very serious And there's something I better tell you, Bill Oh, no, not here in the car You'd better come upstairs with me Yeah, but when I called for you you met me down here You said the paint on the floor hadn't dried Well, I'm sure it's dry by now Let's go up and find... Hey, this is all right Now, don't blame me for hiding out here Just sit down, Bill There's someone I want you to meet Here we go again The mysterious Miss Baker Mrs. Hall? Oh, hello, Mrs. Ashley Stayed the asleep? Oh, yes He's been fine Here's your money Thanks again for coming Anytime, Mrs. Ashley Good night Oh, hello How do you do? All right Are you the one I'm supposed to meet? I hardly think so Good night Here Hey Hey, what is this? Remember, Mrs. Ashley the one who needed the babysitter? Say, he's kind of cute I think so But then, all mothers are prejudiced Mothers? Living room before he wakes up Helen, I... I had no idea you were... He's mine, Bill And here Here's a picture of his father Air Corps, huh? 20th Air Force Bomber Group He was killed two weeks before the Japanese surrendered That's awful tough It makes a difference, doesn't it? I know But why have you kept it such a secret? I've just tried to keep Davy separate from my college life That's why I came here At the last school, it was no secret and, well, it took too many explanations Like... like now, huh? I just thought you ought to know Oh, he's a swell kid, Helen Bill, let's be honest The fact that I'm a widow with a baby it's just too much to take, isn't it? You just sort of floored me, that's all Look, I... I'd better run along I still have some studying to do See you in class tomorrow, huh? Sure See you in class tomorrow Good night, Bill Oh, take these groceries over to the cashier, Mr. Bubecker Charge them to the Trigam house I'll go to the meat department and pick up the turkey Yes, Mr. Belvedere And please stop sniffling Gee whiz, Mr. Belvedere Ever since you became a sophomore you've been picking on me Miss will all see me back atel, Mr. Bubecker when next week I become a junior Gosh, how fast things can change a fellow's life Oh, now wait a minute If you're looking for your old man, well... Oh, Avery Oh, hi, Ellen Hey, get low to this kid I'm sorry, Mommy Mommy? For Pete's eggs, Ellen Is that yours? Yes, that's mine Come on, baby Mr. Belvedere Hey, Mr. Belvedere Ellen Baker, see her? She's just gone out of the store I have eyes, Mr. Bubecker Yeah, but she's got a kid Ellen Baker's got a kid That's him with her See no evil, Mr. Bubecker Yeah, but she... but... Yes, sir, Mr. Belvedere Sit down Ellen, I... I've wanted to talk to you for... well, for days You don't have to explain, Belle I understand No, I don't think you do Belle, you don't have to go through all this You're doing it because... Well, because you're nice and you feel you ought to You're never more wrong I don't blame you I told you before I'm a widow and I have a child I know how you feel Yeah, maybe you're right Maybe that was the way I felt You see, you came at me kind of fast the other night Well, it's taken me until now to get up enough gumption to face the competition Davey and... and your husband Belle, I loved my husband He was a wonderful person I married him on leave I guess we wrote more words and letters than we ever got a chance to say to each other in person He was killed before Davey was born You don't have to tell me all this But I do I'm proud I married him, Belle I'm sorry he didn't get to see his son but... but there's no competition Alan, I love you Don't you see, I want to build a home Perfect timing That'll be my mother Your mother? Hello? Oh, hello, Mrs. Chase Fine, thank you She wants you to have dinner at the Trigambos Dinner? Tonight? I'd love to Seven, yes, I'll be there, Mrs. Chase Thank you I'll drop by after dinner and we'll give her the big nose, huh? You were pretty sure of yourself, weren't you, Chum? No, ma'am I was pretty sure of you Another day off, Mr. Belle, the dear And so am I Oh, that turkey I declare I've never tasted turkey like that before I've never heard of you like that before This is Chase Yes, Avery Mrs. Chase, don't you have to be a single girl to be a member of a sorority? I mean, you can't have a family of belong, can you? Well, of course not Then how come they're all Russian Ellen Baker? Having her here for dinner and everything Why, she's even got a little boy She's what? The dishes, Mr. Boo Baker A little boy Mrs. Chase, there's no cause for alarms and excursions Many women have a son, yourself included It requires no particular talent But she said nothing about it to me Neither did Bill But if there's a child there must be a husband Not necessarily Miss Baker is a relict Relict means widow, madam That's what she says Speak no evil, Mr. Boo Baker What Mrs. Ashley says or does is no concern of yours, those dishes are Well, it's a grave concern to me Did you say Mrs. Ashley? Yes, Ellen Baker Ashley And she's no relation to the Ashley's of Newport, madam Oh, excuse me I'd better join the girls Who would think I should have been told, Miss Baker After all, I am Bill's mother I'm sorry, Mrs. Chase Just that Bill asked me not to say anything until he gets here Naturally he wanted to be present when we told you about our engagement Engagement? Well, yes Isn't that what you have said about? Oh, this only makes matters worse Mrs. Ashley Oh Oh, I see So Mr. Belvedere's been talking to you You've heard about my little boy I have, and I must say that Well, that I'm surprised Yes, yes, I'm sure you are Please, Mrs. Ashley, let me make myself perfectly clear You've made yourself clear You and Mr. Belvedere Good night, Mrs. Chase When I stopped by the Tri-Gam House to pick you up, you were gone Ask your mother what happened I did ask her I can't get anything out of her except my poor boy and that unfortunate girl What did my mother tell you? Everything that Mr. Belvedere told her When she got through on Come on, honey, calm down You're all excited That's right, stick up for your mother I'm 100% right and I'm 100% wrong Ellen, this is you and me Let's leave mothers and kids out of it Don't call David kids You hate kids You called him a little monster I never... But that was before I met the little... Oh, you're being very, very unfair Something told me not to get involved with a man who has a mother Everybody has a mother You can't help it Not when she listens to people like Mr. Belvedere Well, this'll fix him When I'm through with this article What article? Bill, get out, please I want to finish it and mail it to Look Magazine tonight If you can't do that he'll be expelled and you'll be expelled I simply won't argue with a man who's emotionally upset I am emotionally upset Holy smoke You women don't make sense You don't think straight You don't even... Oh, gosh, honey What are we fighting about? I told you before Ask your mother and ask Mr. Belvedere All right, I will Good night Mr. Belvedere Who does that guy think he is, Mr. Belvedere? Talking to you like that Yeah, the nerve Now, you cut over this door and knock The door is unlocked, Mr. Chase I ought to let you have it I wouldn't wave your fists at me, Mr. Chase I think it only fair to mention that during my Japanese period I taught judo at Tokyo University Who told you to go sticking your suit in other people's business? I find your language insulting and obscure I'm talking about Ellen and me You filled my mother a lot of nonsense about Ellen and now she's called the whole thing off Mr. Chase, if you are under the delusion that I have come between you and this young lady that is not true Fine Great, you've ruined my life You've ruined Ellen's life Young man, unless I am mistaken and I never am Yeah, that's right He never is Shut up You have advocated your metabolism to a point where your behavior is quite adolescent Adolescent It is true that you have a problem Miss Baker is an attractive, intelligent albeit overly ambitious young lady who has a baby That's none of your... Your mother is a kindly, well-meaning albeit overly possessive woman who has a son Is that your business? The fact that you have failed to reconcile the two points of view to your advantage is your problem, Mr. Chase Not mine Indeed, I view the whole matter with complete indifference I don't want to hear any more of you It doesn't matter so much anyway because you won't be around here much longer And what do you mean by that? Just wait Wait until Ellen drops her bombshell on you Tonight Gee, what a crisis What's he talking about anyway? Ellen's going to drop a bombshell Here? Tonight? Not here, Mr. Boo Baker In the mailbox I fear Mr. Belvedere, where are you going? There's no time to lose But you can't go out That's your pajamas You feel kindly hammy My top coat You'll catch your death a cold Apparently Cornelius You have never read Admiral Byrd's story I am the only member of the expedition who didn't Mr. Belvedere You can't go around the streets running around like that It's eleven o'clock at night in Pajabarito week Isn't it till April? I have no time in this emergency to take cognizance of false modesty But where are you going? I am calling a Miss Ellen Baker Good night, gentlemen We pause now for station identification This is CBS, the Columbia Broadcasting System In a few moments we'll bring you the third act of Mr. Belvedere goes to college Our guest tonight is Miss Helene Stanley A brand new starlet at 20th Century Fox I can see Helene why you passed your screen test so easily Red hair and a lovely luxe complexion And that's a winning combination Thank you very much, Mr. Cuey But of course the screen test is only the beginning I'm so grateful for the acting experience I've already had You specialized in singing and dancing roles, haven't you? Yes And that's why I spent so much time on the set of Dancing in the Dark It's a behind-the-scenes story of studio life With William Powell being his debonair self as a famous actor Isn't he wonderful? And Mark Stevens is a romantic lead Yes, Dancing in the Dark has a happy experience altogether Betsy Drake is a most engaging young songstress Yes And isn't she a joy to look at? And it's easy to see she's a luxe girl Indeed, she is, Mr. Kennedy Betsy Drake has one of the loveliest complexions I've ever seen And I know she depends on luxe-filled facials to keep it that way Like other Hollywood stars, she finds it's a beauty care that works You know, actually three out of four complexions became softer, smoother, in a short time with luxe-soaked care Recent tests by skin specialists proved it It's such an easy, effective care I know I wouldn't be without it Thanks, Miss Elaine Stanley I'm sure lovely women everywhere agree that luxe-soaked gives delicate skin gentle, protecting care it needs If you haven't tried it, why not begin your luxe-soaked facials tomorrow? Remember, luxe-doilet soap is the fragrant white beauty soap 9 out of 10 famous screen stars use Here's our producer, Mr. William Keeling The curtain rises on the third act of Mr. Belvedere Goes to College starring Clifton Webb as Mr. Belvedere Colleen Gray as Ellen and Robert Stack as Belle 30 minutes ago, Mr. Belvedere left a dormitory at Clemens College and hastened to Ellen Baker's apartment Now, there'd be nothing very unusual about that were it not for the fact that it's late at night and Mr. Belvedere's attire consists of pajamas, bedroom slippers, and a top coat Obviously, Mr. Belvedere's very anxious to see Ellen but Ellen hasn't the slightest desire to see him She's refused to open the door whereupon the very determined Mr. Belvedere has commenced an ascent up the fire escape All right, brother, now start climbing down that fire escape I beg your pardon We just happen to be police officers, Mr. So get down here and start explaining As you wish, gentlemen, but I assure you this is a mistake Yeah, and you made it Look at him, Al, in pajamas, yes Stick out your mitts, brother, and no false moves Stop calling me brother I can conceive of no circumstance in which you and I could be remotely related Come on, let's get him out of here No, but you can't do this to me I'm a student at the university Get him, Al, a student How long have you been going to school, Jack, 20 years? There's a young lady in this apartment house who knows me very well Yeah, and I suppose you was calling on her, huh? Exactly In pajamas? Okay, wise guy, what's her name? Ellen Baker, that is Mrs. David Ashley And if you don't believe me, why don't you ask her? Third floor, apartment D Well? Let's take them up, Al If this lady don't know him this could develop into a very interesting case Okay, college boy, start moving Maybe a lady, but we found this mother in a fire escape He said he had to see you How about it, mister, you know this guy? Know him? Well, Miss Baker, kindly identify me We may have had our differences but I know I may rely on your innate sense of fair play Officers, I never saw this man before in my life That does it, Jack Boy, are you under arrest May I inquire him for charge? Peeping Tom Peeping Tom Good night, officers and thank you very much Peeping Tom, huh? Okay, what's your name? John J. Doe Okay, Mr. Doe We'll just dump you in the drunk tank and refresh your memory Take the handcuffs off him, Al But that will not be necessary Here you are Hey, you didn't lock the handcuffs Of course I locked them, the guys are Houdini I talked, Mr. Houdini Yes, Sergeant, sure, sure Sergeant, you will long remember this dank, turdent night to your regret You sure this guy ain't top heavy? You discover that I'm no more sane and much more sane than you are to wit I know that you have the legal right to hold me for 48 hours I also know that I have the right to make one telephone call Yeah, who do you think's running this joint? You are, sir, and I suggest you enjoy it while you may You don't scare me, Pop All right, there's the phone booth Make your legal call Operator, this is Lynn Belvedere I want to call Washington, D.C. Person to person and reverse the charges Mr. J. Edgar Hoover Okay, Sergeant, did you hear him? J. Edgar Hoover I heard him Throw him in the drunk tank Staying on his head Ah, you should try it sometime Yoga, very refreshing Well, Sergeant, has my call from Washington come through? Not yet, and don't give us any more of that stuff We call the local FBI, see? Nobody ever heard of you They shall In the meantime, there's some people here to see you Show them in, please Outside, this tank ain't no parlor, mister That is quite apparent Adieu, classmates Shalom, chum And thanks for showing us how to pit the lock Pit? You showed them what? You'll find out, Sergeant You'll find out He is Mr. Brubaker There's Mr. Belvedere You okay, Mr. Belvedere? I was the one who brought Mrs. Chase and everyone, Mr. Belvedere In time, I shall determine whether to thank you or not Cornelius Well, Mr. Belvedere, this here young lady has explained everything About no one knew that is Good evening, Ellen Good evening So we'll call it all a mistake, Mr. Belvedere And drop the whole thing Okay? On the contrary I shall fight my arrest through to the highest authority And I demand a hearing and now Gee, another crisis But she dropped the charges Miss Baker, why did you drop the charge? Because I couldn't sleep That was your conscience I slept perfectly Yeah, he sleeps upside down I just can't stand here, Sergeant And swear I've never seen him before Because I have seen him before But I hope I never see him again And that goes for one or two other people here too Well, if you don't listen to me, Ellen, I could No, Mr. Belvedere, I wish you could do something to bring them together Ellen won't speak to Bill And Bill won't speak to me Oh, please What is in that envelope, young lady? The article I wrote about you for Luft Magazine Why haven't you mailed it? Because I just finished it I won't let her mail it, that's why Just try and stop me You be foolish to try, Mr. Chase Let her blast my college career and her own Let her go on to a shabby success Dragging her ill-fed offspring behind her There'll be nothing shabby about Ellen's success And Davy's no ill-fed offspring is a darn fine little... Oh, yes, yes, I'm sure he is You keep out of this, mother Oh, Bill Mr. Case, be wary of women who are haggred With emotion and ambition I am not I am not haggred with ambition I'm just... I'm just tired Oh, Ellen Unguard, unguard, Mr. Chase One does not reason with an emotional young woman I'm not emotional All I want to do is Graduate from college and keep Davy And have a home and... Yes Sorry Thank you Look, would you party's mind continue In this outside my police station? Hello Yep Yep Huh? Yeah, he's right here It's for you, Mr. Belvedere From Washington Thank you Hello Hello, Edgar Yes, yes, there was some trouble But I've taken care of it myself Oh, no, no, I don't think it'll be necessary Oh, and you too, well Well, thanks for calling, Edgar Goodbye Any questions, Sergeant? Oh, no, sir No questions, sir Would you like a squad car to drive you home, maybe? Thank you, thank you But I shall walk home to the dormitory with Cornelius Gee whiz, J. Edgar Hoover Oh, thanks, Mr. Belvedere I'll enjoy the walk very much Good night, everyone Come along, Cornelius Come again, Mr. Belvedere Instructors are quite simple Cornelius But you will kindly repeat them Oh, sure, Mr. Belvedere I take this envelope that Miss Baker gave you To the all night drug store And I buy some stamps and I mail it Gee whiz, Mr. Belvedere You think I was dumb or something? Far from it, Cornelius But, well, there's one thing I don't get I thought all this was because You didn't want the magazine to print it Never mind that, Cornelius And if you know what's good for you Remember that in a few short weeks I shall be a senior Oh, I won't tell anybody, Mr. Belvedere Gee, not even J. Edgar Hoover After in the 75th commencement exercises Of Clemens University The presentation of the Diploma to a man Who has singularly distinguished himself In the outside world As well as in our own academic world Well, they finally got around you, Mr. Belvedere The most boring ceremony I've held them Is fortunate to witness Since they gave me the Moore House Award Well, I wouldn't trade my Diploma for any Well, as a valedictorian The only man in the long history of Clemens To have earned his degree in one year Mr. Lynn Belvedere Mr. Belvedere, congratulations You are not only a great scholar But a man of principle And I want to thank you for keeping your bargain Bargain, President Keating? About the publicity and notoriety, I mean Oh, not at all, President Keating And now it gives me great pleasure To hand you your Diploma Thank you, Dean Gibbs And it gives me great pleasure To present you with this But Mr. Belvedere A copy of Look Magazine The cover! Look what it says Mr. Belvedere goes to college By Ellen Baker Ashley I kept my word, sir Remember, you just graduated me And a picture of us Here, on the stage Ending you your Diploma Why, Mr. Belvedere This just happened This is impossible Yes, yes it is We certainly don't need any cheerleaders To let our stars know how much we like Mr. Belvedere goes to college And now it's curtain call time For Clifton Webb, Colleen Gray And Robert Stagg Clifton, as Mr. Belvedere You've certainly done it again Yes, I find it most depressing Depressing? Depressing to be famous? Well, there should be a certain dash to success Now, after some 30 years in the theatre I find it depressing To achieve notoriety as a babysitter In a pole, Walter Oh, you don't like this fame, madam I love it You know, I'm sure the audience wants to know About the future, Mr. Belvedere Well, Mr. Belvedere is never predictable Only one thing is certain about his future It'll never be dull He always has something new Just like luck soap I've used luck soap for years But as a complexion care And now they've brought out the new bath size Don't you think the new bath size Of luck soap is grand, Mr. Webb? My dear, don't be naive Who do you think invented the new bath size? You mean it was... It was Mr. Belvedere? That is correct I'm sure Mr. Belvedere already knows But you might tell the rest of us About next week's play, Bill Well, next week's play is tuneful It's amusing, it's romantic And as for the stars Three of your favorites Robert Cummings Anne Blythe And William Bendix The play is a gay musical story For the whole family The universal international picture I'll be yours That's a very entertaining prospect, Bill Good night Good night Good night and come again