 Alabama's Republican governor resigned on Monday after he was caught cheating on his sister Because that's what those people do Alabamians they cheat on their sisters. They they're dirty filthy people Republicans from Alabama they cheat on their sister. It's 3 a.m. Tuesday, April 11th 2017 I'm David Feldman. We have a lot of show. So let's get right to it This is the David Feldman radio network Welcome to the broadcast I'm David Feldman David Feldman show comm on today's program Barry Crimmins Jimmy Pardo Rhonda handsome Tom Ryan and Constitutional law scholar professor Corey Bretch neider Barry Crimmins is one of America's Barry Crimmins is one of American history's greatest political satirists Comedian Bob cat Gulfwate directed a documentary about Barry. It's called call me lucky and you can download it on All your streaming services Louis CK just directed Barry's new stand-up special that specials called Barry Crimmins whatever threatens you and you can stream it over at Louis CK net This is what Louis says about Barry when I started out in the clubs in Boston Barry Crimmins was one of the Titans one of the great comics of the time and he was singularly Responsible for fostering a massive stand-up comedy scene in Boston that begat some of the best comedians of the last 35 years most importantly Barry is hilarious and brilliant Louis goes on to write a lot of comedians fall into Categories or clusters, but I've never seen what Barry does repeated anywhere He has an approach to American life American leadership and the people here and where we have been and Where we are headed and why we do what we do that just blows me away. I think that his comedic voice is essential That's why I made his special That's from Louis CK and those are some pretty heady words coming from comedian Louis CK Who I believe is the hot-pockets guy, right? Maybe that's Gaffigan Barry Crimmins is also the author of never shake hands with a war criminal and by war criminal He means Henry Kissinger. There's a great story about being in a dressing room over at CNN and Henry Kissinger offered his hand and Barry wouldn't shake it. Yes There's actually somebody in the world who despises Henry Kissinger more than I do Although Barry Crimmins has yet to comment on Henry Kissinger son David Kissinger network executive who I believe Should not be allowed to work at Hollywood because his last name is Kissinger If you take the Kissinger name Then you take the bad that comes with the good David Kissinger had a lot of doors opened Because his father is Henry Kissinger So there should be a lot of doors closed in his face because his father is Henry Kissinger David Kissinger took the easy way There are no shortcuts in show business. Take me for example My father was Pol Pot Cambodia Khmer Rouge when I went into show business. I decided, you know what? I'm not going to be like David Kissinger I'm going to make it on my own So I changed my name from David Pot to David Feldman because unlike Henry Kissinger son David Kissinger I had the balls to open my own doors No matter how many times my father Pol Pot would call me up and say David I'm your father. I know the head of NBC. We used to commit war crimes together in the 70s Let me pick up a phone. They can give you a job in development over at NBC You could you could be running a network in a couple of years. That's that's what war criminals do for their sons David, please let me turn you into a cripple Like David Kissinger who will have to spend the rest of his life knowing he couldn't make it without the help from his war Criminal dad Henry Kissinger. Let me do that for you. I'm Pol Pot I'm your father and I would say no dad I need to make it on my own and then my mother would come on the phone And she'd say do you do you realize how much it hurts your father? When you abandon the family name You are you are Pol's only son The pot name dies with you And I would say you want I should be like David Kissinger And my mother would say you should only be as successful as David Kissinger We went to a dinner at the national academy of arts and genocidal sciences last night and David Kissinger was there Because Henry was getting a lifetime achievement award and your father Pol Pot was presenting it to Henry And David Kissinger could not have been happier more sociable Why don't you marry that nice daughter of slobidon milosevic get out of comedy and start making us Some baby genocidal maniacs the way David Kissinger does Also on the show is Jimmy Pardo. He's the host of never not funny. It's an hysterical podcast I love listening to that show and doing it Rhonda handsome is an outstanding comedian She won a backstage bistro award. She's appeared on a lot of hit shows Louis Saturday Night Live Caroline's comedy hour stand-up spotlight on and on and on and she entertains our troops and tom ryan Is back. He's been on all the major talk shows including letterman And professor cori bretschneider returns to talk about our new supreme court justice The travel ban and the incurious brain of donald trump We're talking to barry krimmins. How are you? That's great, david. It was great to hear you wanted to do your podcast with me today I get some requests for pot. I got a uh I got a message today From a guy who said, uh, I'm a 25 year old who has a podcast and I'm thinking How How old do you have to be before you stop telling people? I mean, it's cute if a nine-year-old writes you, you know But I was like you're fucking 25. You know, I'm like Jesus Jesus Christ, you know, what are we going to talk about pokeman? Fuck, you know, seriously I'm a god I'm a 25 year old with a podcast. Really? You're still coming your age Jesus Christ, what is I mean I hope it's not somebody, you know with some sort of challenge I'm still guilty about that. But otherwise it's like I am a 25 year old really you're 24 Like one of I can you remember telling people you were 25 when you're I was just Acting like I was an adult at that point trying to not succeeding. Yeah, I told people I was 25 when I was in my 40s Hey, what were you doing when you were 25? I was uh I was uh doing under the stone at skinner out when gold played in uh, kenny and When the wild and all those guys showed up. What was under the stone? That was the mic my weekly show in my hometown skinner out of new york I was home for a while and And uh, we did uh, you know seven or eight months there and then started doing some other stuff around the Central new york area and then I uh ended up in boston right after that So you grew up in upstate new york, correct? Yes, I can speak the uh native defeated tone of upstate new york Our 93 inches the snow last year just my house. I could open the door again and worked on my alcoholism And you know Yeah, Jesus christ there davis Ken Alice is an indian word that means beautiful lakes surrounded by fascists. Yes, and i'm from there And now it's all dressed up to look like itself As my friend hoxford says my friend hoxford says you can get anything your horse needs except food And we have like 24 hour a day christmas tree ships. It's just unbelievable how many uh Places are hard to get Christmas ornaments there when you were growing up. Was there a manufacturing base? No, I mean it it was a tourist town. It's a beautiful lake and and you know But I mean the downtown there was everything you could walk down the street and go to a grocery store hardware store Pharmaces or whatever and now all those places are taken over by their wives a big brother on prozac selling, you know brick-a-brack And uh, it's just uh Hopelessly precious. There's still a couple of stores left. You can buy stuff there But most of those have been moved over off the main street down the fennel street Where there's a you know, a couple of plazas and there's interchange things and whatever, you know It's over very quickly before we get to the trivial stuff like trump and whatever Tom Kenny paul keselowski Where are they from? Yeah Tom Kenny's from east syracuse as was as as is gold play and uh paul keselowski is from down to court land How far is syracuse from where you grew up? I can't pronounce your town. Uh, you know, uh It's about 20 months 17 miles something 17 miles. So that was yeah, that was a big deal to go to syracuse So you're all from that same area You all drank the same water Did you all move to boston at the same time? Did you know gulf wait before he moved to boston? Oh, yeah, no, he started he and tom. He started at my uh my show. I'm i discovered gold play county. That's my uh claim to fame And then who moved to boston first? me And then when did they come? Yeah Within a year When did you move into the barracks? Well, you know, I moved in but I almost never stayed there Thanks to the good graces of the young woman of boston area I moved in there probably after about six months. I would say some time in the middle of 1980 Did mr. Meany Live in the barracks Yes, he did And when did he move into the barracks? I would say probably 81 at some point would be my guess So in the barracks you had lennie clark Barry crimans kevin meany who else right who else rogerson Kenny rogerson, yeah And an array of uh, you know maniacs, uh, whoever was passing through Why was it called the barracks? But yeah, I have to ask lennie, but I think just the idea was just like too many men in one place I I think that would be my take It could have been but it wasn't prison. So that's interesting I had too many men in one place, but yeah, like yeah, but leading to no good, you know Was it a constant party? This is like 1980. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah, it was yeah. It was a constant party. Yeah ridiculous But I was the one who had to work or whatever like I always waited for sundown and I didn't do coke So that eliminated me from about 82 percent of everything I just happened to be around at some of the key moments, but I was also like, you know At that point I was undercover a co-dependent quarter They would just completely ruin everything and I would they'd wake up in the morning and everything's clean and there's coffee on It's like, yeah, and then note for me and I'm down at the thing working, you know, I mean it was I just uh, I was a big cover-up artist You started the ding-ho when you moved to boston. So you didn't come Solely to do stand-up. You also came to bring the stand up. Well, I went to see what was going on in boston If there was a scene I would have tried to ingratiate myself and become part of the scene But there was one kind of nomadic Show the comedy connection It was never quite clear where they were going to be or for how long at that point they quickly Decided to set some routes in a few places once the ding came along and kind of I I guess threw down the gauntlet in a sense, but uh, I wasn't thinking in those terms But there was no set scene and there was an incredible amount of talent And I had been around the country enough at that point To know that's a big problem with comedy in america and it remains today as the comedian to treat it like shit You know, so we treated the comedians like you know, like we treat somebody like they were somebody until they proved otherwise And if somebody feels like somebody before they walk on the stage, what do you know when they walk on the stage? They act like there's somebody so that's you know, we had so much great talent Paula and steven ride Jack Gallagher and Lenny and And uh, yeah, i'd like donovan like mcdonald and great great comics passing through like rooney and you've had you've pastored it As you were saying this I was thinking when I first moved to san francisco in 82 This was this new wave of hey, I've got an idea. Let's treat comedians with respect Yeah, yeah, right. So I move that to san francisco. I'm being treated nicely and I kept thinking Do they know who I I swear to god barry. I keep going. Why are they being so nice to me? Don't they know who I am Don't they know what I am? You know because I I was a kid. Yeah, right and you get I mean you get you you get Yeah, I mean eventually they talk you into thinking you suck but I mean when when you're in the business where Yeah, clearly you've probably been in new york a couple other places where you wait around till 1am to play to four people And a lot's on the line and you don't do well. You might not get back on again You know they treat you like shit. They wear you out. You have to hang around for nine hours a million times along the way You're kind of putting your place And then you finally get on and it's a hopeless situation like who are you developing doing that? right There was a big complaint about the san francisco scene in the 80s A lot of the new york and lax would come to san francisco and and say it was bizarro land Everybody's a star here. They were right. Everybody was a star in san francisco And then when they went down to los angeles many of them because they were treated so well Right Did well. Yeah, well imagine that I mean the holy city zoo was the best place I was treated before I came to boston But it was still it was still tough But you know, they were they were fair and nice You know, I was still finding my way They kept that up out there the only problem I ever had with san francisco So much in that town was predicated on a contest and I just never believed in contests, right? So it kept me out of Kept me out of there to some extent. I just I just you know, I give rembrandt three stars. I just don't believe I just don't yeah, no I don't and also I just it just doesn't take a lot of things into account I think the kind of stuff that all is done is a slightly higher degree of difficulty And you know when I'm up against the pies and seltzer bottles I'm you know, I may not fare that well, you know the great dan spencer story where he Went on and just told jokes with a water pistol in his pocket But nobody knew it was a water pistol and every joke he told he would just do a little squirt So within two minutes it looked like he pissed his pants I I had never I never saw it, but I heard about it and I thought that is an act I would do I would just be the guy who pisses himself every night. I would nothing would make me happier And I don't even need a water gun Considering your roots. I don't think you know, I I believe you Because the cell don't think I mean, I know they still crusty the clown from you. They just did simple Well, not really. I think the idea of A sardonic guy and a clown outfit, you know, it's a natural they had it on tunnel vision It's been and then there was flunky the clown on letterman I started doing it and then I thought I had stumbled into something Then somebody told me well on tunnel vision. There's a clown who Reads I think d.h. Lawrence to kids and then there was flunky the clown who went on letterman Right around the same time that I was in the clown suit He would smoke a cigarette and talk trash to dave. It's not an original idea before we move on to the truly sad stuff Let's talk about kevin meany for one second because enough time has passed and uh, you know, we lost don rickles and Don didn't really have an act Don just no john just went up there and the more I watched don rickles The more I realized he was a true genius The opposite of don rickles was kevin meany who had an act, but it wasn't really an act. It was just kevin Well, he was a great entertainer. I think the thing about him that people say well, he didn't have enough material It would be that he would repeat certain material But the ad-libbing who we talking about we talking about kevin. Oh, yes, okay The ad-libbing and the improvisation that he did every night was amazing And and the last time I saw him work Which was on his birthday a year ago when I had the honor of introducing him on a 60th birthday in rochester He absolutely fried that audience and you know, just the same as I saw him the first time he worked In front of I got to see him work 35 years earlier either in san francisco or or boston. I don't I don't even remember. I think it was san francisco But he was a great entertainer. He understood Precepts of you know show business and showmanship That a lot of people are too hip for these days or think they're too hip for But uh, you know, I mean he understood it was a show and he took the stage And he had incredible charisma and you know and and in presence And I swore the guy I'd ride over to a gig with him whatever we're talking about in the car He'd bring it out on the stage with him and do 15 minutes on that very thing from that day And they're talking to me about about you know, people go. Oh, he didn't have that much material He didn't you know He was so natural on the stage that he could just take anything Act it out, you know, and then and then and then just the fact that he was like really a multi threat entertainers saying dance Act do impressions a bunch of shit. I can't do I just uh and inspire people to be funny. Oh, and and just so funny and I mean just so relentlessly funny And then on top of that being one of the dearest people I ever know knew and one of my dearest friends and you know, I still You know the other day I went to pick up a song the column because it just touched a natural thing to do because we just were always in touch and I You know, I really miss the Thing about Kevin Meany is he taught me how to bomb Oh, yeah Right. Well, I mean there's nothing better than one idea and we wouldn't quite connect with the audience and then he would just Take it out on them. It was hilarious I mean and then I mean and they would generally and then generally it would be over with and he would win that audience over with that but The best were when they were just too I mean it would literally be something you could try some physics playing the sound system sock, bob, or whatever it was You know what you dreamed of were those rare nights when they they just really didn't he really didn't connect with them at all Because he would just you know, I mean at that point you get to see the funniest thing ever Ever isn't that in many ways what comedy is? It's the guy up there Who has his own vision the world doesn't see it. He's fighting for his life up there. I mean to me That's what comedy is. Well, that certainly can be one of those things I try to avoid being in that situation You know, that's just me, you know, I might be the exception of personal rule Well, but me too, but I would prefer but you but you've never been in a situation that was otherwise you've never ever performed Without creating a situation where you challenge the audience And push them away and then brought them back. I I don't think you've ever had a set Where they were with you all the way You wouldn't allow that Yeah, well probably I don't know You get out more than I do I just do it. You know, I'm like I see the ball hit the ball guy I'm not back in the video room checking to see where my shoulder is Right, you know, I what I do is I I mean I take my things. I do my preparation I have some flow to the show figured out but after that Well, we'll see what's what, you know, we'll see what's what I mean a big part of it any great comic not to say I'm one but You know any comic worth this cell Really takes a lot of reading from an audience And has a sense it's almost telepathic Where wow, this always works But it's not, you know what then I need a little bit more and then you give them one more line And with the thing you get back from that it's three months from now that last line that you came up with is what remains in your act you know, but You know, that's the thing where you just figure out there not quite getting it I am having trouble Following the news because I find it so uninspiring so uninteresting so grotesque grotesquely predictable. Yeah unoriginal right right Yeah I mean you're dealing with a person with a you know real severe personality disorder You're talking about my divorce attorney. I'm talking about trump not my divorce attorney Okay, all right Sorry Go ahead Okay, we're dealing with a person with a personality disorder. Yeah, right and it's not going to change So, I mean it's hopelessly predictable Every once in a blue moon he'll go on a little bit of a honeymoon of everybody and ask like a human for five seconds And then that goes away And that's like five seconds every three months Everybody's just so hopeful that the nightmare will end that they overweight it and you know Immediately the the devil on his shoulder is 97 times the size of the angel on the shoulder And even the angel on his shoulder is a corrupt flock, you know, so At my sister's we're gonna have dinner tonight. I'm in new jersey My sister loves you by the way long story There was an incident at a restaurant Long time ago where you turned on Somebody and you're a hero for many reasons. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yeah, we what did I do? Well, I was gonna ask you about whether or not we could plumb the depths of trump's Depravity my sister was saying to me last night That we're good people So we can't possibly understand That's right And I've been saying that about a lot of these people for a long time like people go Well, what do you think they're gonna do next? You go like well, I can't think like those people It would be a really bad sign if I could think like those people But we live in an era where people You know, if nobody seems to know what's going on so they're always telling you what's going to happen I would just like someone who could actually tell me what's going on or what happened Yeah, or what happened exactly. I can't tell you what happened or what is happening What is going on? What the present moment is there always I think three months and now you're gonna see Well, I no one remembers that shit. It's sports and and in politics. That's all you get anymore There's a bunch of loudmouth blowhard predictions, you know who cares and everything is a deadline Everything is urgent. Everything requires a quick decision And it bleeds into our personal lives I notice that everything is I need that yesterday. I need that yesterday Well, I you just telling me about it. I needed yes and breaking news breaking news and All of a sudden the nerve gas the sarin gas We have to respond to this it's been going on for years But all of a sudden now people want me to break down the military effectiveness of This mission, you know what? I'm not I'm not one of those guys. I don't figure out how to best blow shit up Okay, I think it's best to not blow any more shit up You know, I mean those tomahawk missiles they shot off cost 101.41 million dollars a piece times 59 How many daycare centers are there, you know, how many how much health care? Right, that's you know, and I mean clearly it didn't do a lot Whatever it is. It was just it. I mean it was it was like literally an 80 million dollar advertisement Where, you know, trump showed he had balls, right? right But he also showed that he's completely inconsistent with what he said in the past. Yeah He's a tough guy Except for the five deferments in vietnam Well, come on. I mean, you know, he's a guy He's a guy who got up at that convention in in cleveland and basically told all these alleged tough guys That to stand behind him, he would he's the only one who can protect us really you haven't you haven't left the house without four bodyguards in 30 years You're gonna protect me rich boy Air to pimp and slumlord fortune screw you, you know, you're a self-loathing jagoff Who knows you come from scum and and so you're out to prove that you know, you want the whole world to overcome yourself loathing and so you so you just you know, you're just this ridiculous Narcissistic egomaniacal sick son of a bitch and and and unfortunately there's a lot of people in this country who have never dealt with the abuse they've Suffered and so He rings a tuning fork in them and now we're all stuck in the backseat of a really bad station wagon with the most abusive father ever for the next four years Right and you're thinking well better My sister than than me. Yeah, right, right, right, you know Right, well, it's like those idiots who like comics Who just really give shit to people for no reason at all because they're laughing mostly because they know Oh, at least it's not me. You know We started when I when I started Reagan was president I started with Nixon, okay You started next and it was like was her piece, you know, you think he was gone bro. I need flare up But you when did you start what year? 72 you really did start when Nixon was president. Yeah, wow Oh my god, yeah, it was hard. I mean I spent five six years open for, you know cover bands and bars You started to point to everybody what comedy was. Yeah Yeah, oh I had no idea. I thought she started around the time I did no No 45 years I started when I was uh I guess I was 19. I'll be 64 this year. So this was 45 Yeah, that's interesting 46 years Is it the same are the audiences the same? Or have they changed I have a theory that People do remember the past they stopped caring about it They don't forget the past they remember the invasion of iraq in 2003. They just don't care I well Yeah, maybe but you know when you bring it up to them and you provide the proper context and it leads to something else that you make the connections, you know, I The average person these days is just so overloaded you know, uh I think it all comes back to the damn cars Just you start your day in the traffic jam And you come home you're in a traffic jam and in the daytime You put you in a real paranoid mood you turn on the radio You listen to some right wing guy who sounds like you feel about everybody else in traffic You get conned into that state of mind Then you go sit some middle manager is kicking the shit out of you all day at your cubicle And you're looking around at everybody else in the office because you they're always threatening everybody with layoffs And like and this is just living this cut throat awful world all the time So that they're not sitting around considering the recent past and how it affects them Or how it might affect their children is understandable. We have to explain to them It's our job to explain to them why it is important and why maybe they should just listen to music when they're in the Traffic jam and understand that everybody else is in the traffic jam And maybe we should all work together for mass transit and not mass murder Wow I might be one today fell down fantastic. What is your information diet because I'm having trouble getting my juices flowing Every morning to read about this stuff. It's I have to do what I I watch you see an end for 10 minutes and it picks enough And it's like, you know It's like the syrup from which I work the rest of the day, you know, just like, okay I heard those 12 hunks of conventional wisdom now And and you know, I got more than enough. I got more than enough to stay after them At that point, you know And then after that, you know, I just jump around and I Wherever I read, you know, I read a variety of things and and I don't have this thing where if they don't You know, I'll go back to a website even though I see stuff on there often that I disagree with You know, generally It's just generally that stuff You know, the people right now who bother me the most are the ones who just so worried about the democratic party um Because it's this search for leader and We need to be leaders in our own lives. We need to stand up and speak up for people At moments when it's called for we need to stand up for someone who's being bullied or mistreated We need to not go along with the races when we're with a bunch of white people and somebody sneak a couple of them Are snickering about something we need to take a variety of stands and when we do that When we behave and act on our conscience on a regular basis if we are search for a leader, we'll end in the mirror Um And then we will become a nation of leaders and then we will have caught on And we will expect the same sort of conduct out of our leaders And there's not a bigger follower in the world than a politician who understands that the folks have caught on so And and I think it requires a lot of compassion a lot of love And I think that is really the antidote to the trump stuff You know because he doesn't know what to do with that shit I don't mean direct the love towards him because that's a waste of time But you know, don't hate everybody who voted for him, you know, they're just screwed over people and they put the wrong monster On the wrong face on the monster and trick them. Oh, that's the problem with the country They're giving cheese to black people, you know, just like you know, the problem isn't negro cheese. The problem is fucking, you know The problem is, you know There isn't more than she just did this shitty cheese to give into them and by the way you I mean, I can't tell you how many people around here Who completely depend on government programs who voted for trump in upstate new york, you know, they just did And is that ignorance? Yeah, it's yeah, it's ignorance is being victims of propaganda and it's also just being exploited For your own self-loathing, you know, your own, you know, I mean, it's just You know You know, you're only a rationality Your own just like well lash out at something and also it's a feeling, you know People know they're getting screwed over with the democrat as a president so they want change They want some sort of change. Unfortunately in this country This country only goes in two two directions nowhere and reverse We are, you know So, you know about the pal memo, right? The pal memo the pal memo was written I think in 1971 by louis powell for the chamber of commerce and he outlined this plan on how Businesses can fight ralph nader and the left wing and they created all these think tanks and it was The republican party and the coke brothers and the heritage foundation and the kato institute all Fighting course. Yeah With the country as dumb as it is right now and uneducated and not civic And then you look at then you look at how often those they're very advertising Just plays to you know, brainless nationalism, jingoistic themes And it's a nightmare I don't believe in conspiracies unless I feel disenfranchised. Yeah, then i'm susceptible to conspiracy theories and I do feel disenfranchised. Yeah The state of the news The way we get information The Massive amount of citizens who just don't understand the issues was there a conscious decision To dumb down the citizenry Well, I mean part of it was greed You you know, you get the I mean, you know, you get that thing where if you just sensationalize everything you get more followers but part of it is is Self censorship and that is as the media became more corporate They don't you know, I've been involved with corporate media. I know people on the corporate media They don't ever say don't discuss this don't discuss that But you understand after you try after you bring in one or two stories about prison reform or you know Environmental racism or something like that when it just doesn't go anywhere And you know that you kind of got a demerit against you And you know what you get fired at this newspaper. You just got fired at 139 other newspapers You learn what not to cover I've I've been through this with the catholic church and child abuse again and again Where people are really hot on you know, because I mean I have a very good point that I make about it It's like what when is there going to be a federal Investigation of the crime wave against children by this incredibly powerful organization in our country When it when is someone going to hold them accountable in the same way you would hold CEO of a major corporation accountable for hiding funds and declaring fake bankruptcies after you've had settlements Uh made against you, you know, and and then you cover it up. I mean literally the bishop of The cardinal of new york dolin when he was in milwaukee He there's a big supposed payoff for all those deaf kids from that school that had just been so egregiously, you know raped and abused forever Uh, they uh There's letters between him and the vatican. Oh, don't worry about it I'm just going to hide all the money in this burial fund literally a burial fund And we'll declare bankruptcy and they'll never collect anything and that's exactly what happened If if general electric did that they would get nailed They would at least take the ceo away in in in handcuffs He might he might not spend a day in jail, but he'd at least face that embarrassment It doesn't happen with this church and people, you know, you know what every town eventually you find out that the bishop That is pretty pretty connected and knows everybody and controls a lot of stuff And they've got ears everywhere Uh, let me let me ask you a couple questions about this because we had louis thorough on from the bbc and he just did An amazing documentary that's in theaters right now called my Scientology movie And one of the questions I asked was just pretty funny, right? If that's pretty funny, right? It's a funny movie Yeah, I said Well, you know, it's just a religion, you know, aren't all religions shakedown operations When you read about Scientology The cult yeah, and your experience with the catholic church How angry do you get at Scientology? Well, I get angry at Scientology. I mean, you know, first off to give you a personality Test and if you have one they move on to the next potential victim, but uh Well, what would you what would you say is I am a catholic and I I am a catholic or I was a catholic, you know And and I and I arose from that and I know, you know, the worldwide impact of what they've done The catholic church has done more damage to Ireland than the Brits did Brits did No in one way every hour and they controlled every element of that society Every element and with their draconian, you know hateful anti-humanist teachings and and a horrible misogyny and and literally enslaving women who were pregnant often by priests And taking their children and you know forcing them to be born But then not caring for them enough that a lot of them died and get buried in these in you know, like sewage because they weren't Because they couldn't be They couldn't be uh, you know, uh, baptized You know, I mean, yeah, there is such deep and you know, the physical the beatings and whatever the just right down the line Uh, uh, this sort of like imposition of You know, while while the front office lived well this imposition of sort of like a kelvinist lifestyle on the on the poor of of uh, ireland um And uh, you know, they just did a huge amount of damage and but they controlled everything They controlled everything No matter where you went they controlled the media. They controlled the government They controlled, you know, obviously the churches the schools the hospitals you name it. It was all Catholic And you you look at what they did to those people And and then what they did to you how many children were abused and harmed by that that church in that country And in the mindset, you know, well right now, it's the youngest country in europe and those kids are spitting the bit Ireland has a great deal of hope right now. They're pushing to uh, Get rid of their ace amendment, which here is against cruel and unusual punishment there It is cruel on the unusual punishment because it you know, it outlaws abortion and birth control. I really you know, so I'm sorry. What is it? What is the eighth amendment? It's it's just anti choice, you know in ireland. It's just yeah. Yeah. Yeah Yeah, anti women's reproductive rights. Um, is the catholic church. Is it redeemable? Do you feel it's redeemable? Do you believe really no no? No, I don't think you you know, I mean if this guy's a socialist, uh Like he claims to be give me the keys to the vault. I'll help you redistribute some wealth I mean, do you know how much money they said? I know, of course not no one can possibly ask This you know, how about just letting humanity see the art treasures they've secretly away for centuries You know, let's just see the booty, you know that that in and of itself. I mean, can we at least look at what you got? Uh, it's his job to change the subject and not the church And and he's always you know, he's always gone which way the wind blew which is why he was played with the the squad people Back in the day in argentina So you said see the booty and I'm not gonna take the bait the uh Thing that I don't understand. I I know I know It wasn't bait not coming from me. I know I know I know I know I know But it was just I know I'm better than that No, I'm not the thing. I don't understand. You're not I know I'm not I'll give you that So the thing I don't understand about the catholic church. I'm a defender You're gonna get angry at me for saying this. I'm a defender of the catholic church I I think the good outweighs the bad and I'm As we've talked about before a theater white a teddy white pragmatist uh, and I think that the church does some good work and Liberation theology that kind of stuff. So church has nothing to do with liberation theology You want to switch it all over to liberation theology and put the put the Vatican in minagua I might have a chat with you, but uh in the meantime That it's it's it's an ancient and corrupt institution That is there basically this point to preserve its massive wealth. Okay, that's why I don't understand and you have to explain this to me I look at priests. I look at the pope. They take vows of celibacy and poverty So I justify their wealth. I don't think they all do Well, I justify their wealth by saying it's not going to the clerics. It's going to keep the church going Is that a fair statement? No, that's not a fair statement. Well, I mean the reason the reason that that uh They came up with the uh chastity there, you know, uh celibacy was so So when the uh when the church usurped Uh land and whatever And then would make somebody a bishop they would get to keep that land when the bishop died or whatever I mean, it would it all goes back to greed It all goes back to greed and it's and and and of course You know if that can't be passed long to anyone it could certainly not be passed along to women Unless you know you happen to be in a nunnery somewhere Do we know what the catholic church is worth is there's the vatican bank? There is no Telling what the catholic churches were they have priceless. They have so much priceless art treasures and god knows what else they have and you know in Gold and bm. Who knows there's no telling But I just know that yeah, I just know that if this guy is a socialist If you were really a socialist that you really believed in the redistribution of wealth He could just throw the keys, you know to somebody and say, oh I'm bringing this stuff out in the daylight Dipping it up Is there a guy in the vatican Who's balancing the books and knows exactly what the church is worth? I imagine that that there are various levels of that But I don't think that anyone has a I think they probably go through generations of their own people will never get near the you know the deep ball Is it like the pentagon and that it can't be audited that nobody really knows the answer to that question? I yeah, I don't I don't see how you I don't see how you could because you know You I mean to just to just go through and put a price again on all this price with on this art and stuff is You know Would be in a monumental task. So I don't I don't see how you could even Make a reasonable guess I just know they have way too much What is liberation theology? When did it start? Well, it happened it happened it happened in the late 70s early 80s And when when the church decided to abandon a lot of parishes central and south america At least this is My understanding of it And they just left behind a bunch of bibles and The people That got the bibles just started emulating jesus and kind of ignoring the rest of the stuff Because bibles are like, you know, what's the most famous bible the king james bible? It doesn't even have to like with jesus christ, you know, it's just yeah wonder wonder who edited this Oh render under Caesar. Oh, I hey, I like that it's subtle but effective So These people really started behaving in a truly christian fashion to one another and Started thriving Well, when they started thriving or doing a lot better The church suddenly got interested in getting back in there again But then they didn't want the the clerics or the people that had gone along with this Have the power they wanted the power to go back to the you know, the institutional church And there was a big conflict well I've been watching Movies and reading about Scientology and there are offshoots of Scientology I guess The catholic church Will have another reformation maybe What do you what do you see in 50 years? Well, I mean, you know, I mean, I don't know. I don't know. I it's Really until they break open the vault and really behave in a christian fashion and really save countless lives they could save And and and and until they wake up on, you know, birth control and abortion And women's rights and and reverse their misogyny and and and only and and address their homophobia Beyond the occasions when it's like a little bit like okay Okay, we'll be less homophobic now because it will distract you from the fact that we still haven't done shit about the crime wave against children Uh, you know, there's not much to say again. I just see the thing. It's just such a thorough Thoroughly in just unjust organization Completely hampered by its own uh Its own hypocrisy that if it stops behaving hypocritically, yeah, that's one thing that could save the church I don't ever see that happening There's just, you know, there's a power. It's just too entrenched there and this guy is a lost leader This guy that's in there. It's his job to change the subject and not the church Uh, great. He's opposed to global warming. Great. I'm a poll, you know, I want you to change the climate of the church And make it more open Okay, and make it more open Okay, and and and let's turn in every one of the let's render on disease or every one of these goddamn rapists that you're still covering up for And let's get all the let's get all the facts out there and let's pay off The people whose lives have been ruined in who it and are incapable of of really living, you know, normal lives because the Incredible damage done to them by that church and that church is and that church is, you know Uniformed representatives Who teach them who teach them that sex is dirty and evil and terrible while they rape them That's a pretty fucking profound and deep thing and when you when you put it out hundreds of thousands of times worldwide And then you deal with every family every person everyone who can't figure out why someone's so screwed up their whole life Like i've lost friends this people i knew committed suicide as adults and teenagers because of what priests did to them And there's been no real justice about So i'm glad that you have a with all due respect a bit of a glib take on the fucking catholic church But it's a pox upon humanity as far as i'm concerned a pox You know it might be convenient might be convenient for you, but i got the dead friend Right i got the dead friends, you know and these fuckers killed them By making them hate themselves, right? Right by making them hate themselves by teaching them to hate themselves By first teaching them that whatever was about to happen to them was evil under and then and then and then have some confused Garbled bullshit artists pedophile come and rape them and then tell them that their families Whatever they bring down the power of god upon them if they say a word And you want these people to tear it their life They they rob them Of god and their belief system. Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely. Right. Absolutely Taking me a long time to get back anywhere with that all i was was emotionally and verbally abused By a priest every day who hated me because for some reason I was the only one who would go up and serve mass with him and I had already been raped And so when he put his hands on me, I hit him with an elbow and he did it again I hit him with an elbow again and he didn't bother me anymore. I was waiting to get in trouble for that I thought it was weird that I didn't get in trouble But I couldn't go home and tell my parents I didn't want to serve mass with this monster every morning So every morning on on the altar this son of a bitch called me Everything in the book and and sentenced me to hell in front of a bunch of people When on this nice little pen year old boy who got up shoveled the walk at the church You know put on his put on his Surplus and cask went up set up the altar and served mass and then went out there while this malevolent evil child rapist Would would announce to the announce to the congregation several times that I was evil And nobody stood up for me until finally one day somebody said around about me After three years at three or four years But you know every day I was there was a day the guy was frustrated because every day I was there was a day the pond was stopped from So I took a big hit on that level Every time the you know what you were there every time every time I was there serving mass with him every morning That the pond wasn't stopped. He knew he knew he couldn't rape me or he was afraid to oh the pond was The pond of victim yeah, yeah But there were other altar boys there then that that's fresh, you know, that's fresh meat for Well, it wasn't it was me week after week I lived near the church every week because whoever was scheduled would can't fall at the last minute And then father Casey the other priests would call my parents at 5 a.m. And I would serve that week And this went on for years Has anybody from the church Talked to you or they all lawyer lawyer it up Oh, they don't talk to me. They don't talk to me. I'll pay I was supposed to testify They made a pretty good settlement in one case Before they let me I was on the list of uh, I was on the you know, I was going to testify and uh They uh, they settled that case My friend Dennis Brennan's case my friend Dennis Brennan who said they said well we'll settle but we you can't I mean you can say what you thought happened, but you can never say that we settled or anything and Dennis said that's never going to happen He was very courageous and five minutes later they caved in and did the same settlement like so And he was a victim of father Mary's the same guy I dealt with Thomas Mary You know when I think of him I I hope there is a howl and then I think of two words extra krisky Is there any advice you would give to People who have been molested by priests do you advise them to yeah blow the whistle blow the whistle All uh snap. Yeah, and spiritually what advice do you give spiritually? I would say give them back Give give the poison back to the distributor of the poison. It's theirs. You didn't do anything wrong. You were young You're exploitable. You don't think you will I'll tell you what go look at a bunch of kids That were your age When you were that are your age, you know I I do a thing where I'll take someone to a school and they'll say well, I could have done this I could have done that I was 11 my younger brother was getting abused too I could have done this or that and I'll take that person to a school wait for the school to let out And I'll pick out an 11 year old kid and they'll say exactly what he said to me about himself And the guy go no, it's like well, that's who you were You know and since we all know how young 11 is because that you know, so look at someone Just I would say almost look at it algebraically like take your name Out of the thing and just make it an algebra thing and just just your x or your y or whatever And you're going to get the right result. You're going to understand even doing it wrong It's tough because I I'm not catholic, but I know they preach forgiveness So I could see how that rattles inside your head. Well, you know, I mean, you know Here's the thing about forgiveness. Someone's got to apologize before you can really forgive them. Okay, right? right So, I mean what I don't do is carry malevolence and hatred and vengeance in my heart and that's about the best I could do But that's Mary never asked me for forgiveness. And so I never forgive You know and and the guy who raped me. I've never forgiven him. I have context for him I know he came up and I managed to figure out who he was and what happened to him and that he died in prison after living a miserable life of raping little boys and You know, I have pity for him For the bad life he lived and I feel very fortunate that I didn't become what I resisted But anyway, how about that trump? I was gonna say you're listening to Barry Crimmins. This is our Easter show We would like to wish you all a happy Easter. Yeah, a blessed Easter. Yes Well, yeah, welcome back Jesus. Well, I thank you for talking about this and I know well, it just breaks this way. Sometimes you mostly interviews are about this. Yeah, you know, yeah It's all right, and I'm sorry about the glib thing, but no, no, no, no I am I mean that I if I'm guilty of anything because from the time I met you I remember the time I met you and we had a drink And I was glib about Ronald Reagan. I had this detached smirk on my face that you wanted to smack off I remember that and you and you said to me, you know, you're not as deeply committed I sense a detachment to the cause and I said Yeah, I mean, I'm not I'm not going down to Nicaragua with you. Yeah, and the older I get The more I become like you But I am glib. I am glib and I am detached and I you know and It's a I especially on this subject Yeah, I just can't imagine Going through what you went through and I And it's it's one of those things when it comes to kids where you don't Want to look and think about this stuff And that's what they play on you see David they play on two things our kindness and our cowardice The kindness is we just don't want to believe that this stuff goes on as well and the cowardice is it's scary Look away And so those two things so then you put out a guy who's always in the white gets just gets the gets the you know gets the compact poplar wheel and and talks about global warming and and it makes a few vague You know steps Very baby steps towards, you know gay rights or something and and you know and and that's enough That's a distraction. It's enough of a distraction and now everybody doesn't have to think about little Children getting raped by clerics For the past, you know, however many centuries But the thing is that's gone on forever and it's a sick and serious Thing and there are people at every level of that church who are guilty as hell of everything And are terrified of anything but a further cover-up And I I just think I just think that it's just too rotten too deeply to the core to do anything But to just like, you know, occupy the place burst open the Fucking vault and and and find a way to distribute to the really the world's poor people And I'll tell you what they're doing right now. They're sending all these creeps to the third world And in the future, we'll hear about this and believe me Well, all I can say is I've been right in the past About, you know things that would happen for instance 20 some years ago I said when you find the people trading child pornography when you get into their computers You're going to find pictures from the kids down the street Pick up the paper any day of the week now and find the way they get to these guys They get busted on a child pornography rep and the next thing you know there You find out that they've got, you know, children that they're actively abusing themselves Can be that obvious case in point Jared Vogel I think the problem we have to wrap it up. I apologize because I could go, you know, well But I think the problem is twofold as I see it one is personally as a Jew I feel ill at ease Going after the Catholic church Because you know, I think a lot of Well, I'm going to give you help and help with this compensation. Okay. Okay. Thank you We use it in my church a lot So I I think I make allowances for other religions because I want Allowances for my religion. I'll even be glib about Scientology Because I'll say well not no religion is perfect And I talking to you it is glib Secondly because of the establishment clause in the first amendment I think the FBI in this country I think they have a They have trouble prosecuting Churches because it looks like the government is Render unto Caesar Caesar That doesn't matter what your church is if you're raping abusing physically beating emotionally abusing children That's criminal activity. Okay Pay taxes and then take away their tax-free status Okay, we're going to wrap it up. By the way, uh, you're going to be at the Throckmorton theater in Sam not in not where's mill valley mill valley greatest place in the world. Are you going to see mortis all? I hope so he always hangs out for it Oh, I hope he comes in that night I would uh Yeah, I would love to sit more than welcome to make some remarks. Yeah You'll be in santa cruz on sunday and the throckmorton theater on i'll be i'll be in uh, i'll be in the santa cruz on on saturday night uh Place is either called the kitchen or food or something crazy like that community center place and then uh And then on sunday you can find on my twitter feed the ant clinic And then on sunday night, uh, no now monday night I think i'm at the punchline, but I haven't heard the final word. I think i'm supposed to be there with overton on monday night Wow What a great show Barry crimmons and your movie is call me lucky and follow you on twitter twitter Twitter, what is your hair? What is your handle? crimmons c-r-i-m-m-i-n-s and and Uh The special is available in louis ck down at whatever threatens you Whatever threatens you is the name of your comedy special Yes directed by louis ck Yes, and call me lucky is directed by chosen by uh, the fans of uh The entero bang, which is a big comedy website. Uh, as the best special of last 2016 Yes, very good up against some serious boy young competition. So I was flattered I think I just snuck in yeah I was a star. I mean I was literally listening to the announcement thinking I want help. Yeah, well, I wonder who won my category And when they said me I didn't even register well Thank you, sir. My entire award background. Okay. Thank you, sir. I love you david. I love you. I love you to your listeners. Okay Is this jimmy pardo? Yes. Yes, he's calling. It's cap bemmelman from the david felbin show Hey cap, how you doing man? Good. So thanks for doing this at the last minute. We had a fallout And uh, so we dropped out on a big name but a hell week We're having trouble getting people this time of year, you know Passover and eastern stuff Passover always does for uh, uh, yeah, I get it. Uh, also, uh, what's going on in our country? I imagine that the topics that david now that I've spoken is he's probably probably disallowed people off, huh? people love david and we love david and That's why when you auditioned for the show at ucb. Okay, uh, three years ago Cab, I don't know. I don't know information you were given. I don't david almost 30 years. We're friends Yeah, I know that but i'm in charge of the bookings. There's a right, but I didn't audition. Okay, but I I just kind of I don't give it. I've never been on my podcast. I'd know the cab. I you could drop the illusion I know I know you know david, but a lot of comics want to do the david feldman show and there's a process I see and congratulations You you you've passed we we've asked you to do the show and this is the pre interview part Okay, great. Thank you. All right. All right. Yes, because I saw you at ucb in la Three years ago. I remember walking up to you after the show and saying i'm cap belemann from the david feldman show I was an intern at the time I see and then you've been since been promoted. I've since been promoted. I booked the comedy for his show Is alex still involved or is he gone? who alex Well, I I can't talk about the inner workings of the david feldman show you sign a confidentiality agreement And I know that there was anything but You well, I did when I went to oh you signed that makes sense. I understand that would make sense at least I'm sorry captain. I apologize. Well, I will tell you this alex is still involved with the david feldman show, but Sometimes he got a little too opinionated and I guess that's what I was alluding to earlier I I'm not it's not surprising that maybe some people are maybe speaking their minds and and putting some people off Well, I I found it very surprising Because people just don't appreciate what david does for them the the sacrifice that he makes to keep the show going What is that? What? What does david do that's a sacrifice to keep it going? What does he do? He's considerate There's I see. Yeah, that's that and those are two tough things for him. Are they not? Well, for example, there's a coffee maker in the studio I see it's a mr. Coffee and He provides the mr. Coffee machine for everybody he pays for the electricity Okay, so that's not difficult of a deal cap He lets me go buy the coffee. I like Right And I okay, okay, and I get to make my own coffee Drink the coffee that I like in the studio and then the other people complain because I have to buy the car Well, he doesn't reimburse me for the car, but he's letting me choose the coffee that's in the studio Wow, great guy, huh? I think so I've learned everything from him I don't think david's not a great guy But what you just described is just kind of being a person. That's not really all that big of a deal I don't I don't think Well people I think you remember a second ago you didn't want to talk about personal stuff and all of a sudden get personal It's getting uh, well, let me just give you some dates to plug and then Wednesdays david's gonna get on the phone at some point david's gonna get on the phone in a second He's just getting ready, but he wants to just make sure that We've squared everything away. I want to find out what plugs You want to bring up and speaking of plugs by the way. Yes. Yeah On the last show that you did Yeah, you referenced david's hair plugs. There's some story There's some bad blood between the two of you and he's wondering if you're gonna bring up The plugs because he really doesn't I won't bring it up if he doesn't want me to bring it up And the truth is I was asking for I would just make a conversation with him about it And he um, if there's bad blood, that's new to me. So maybe this would be like mark marron Maybe he'll uh, he'll say uh, we good bro or whatever the hell mark says at the end of his interviews But I think it'll be like that then if david's obsessed have him ring it up and we can talk about on the show I'm more than I'm more than happy to talk about well david mentioned this to me apparently the first time you did the show Yeah, it was at the fake gallery in los angeles and david has always been a live show. Yeah Yeah, and david has always been open about his hair transplants Do you remember really kind of has to be don't you think yeah, that's the thing right there That that's the thing right there that what's what do you mean? Well, he had said something to the effect you had asked who did your hair transplants I there was a time I was considering transplants and and uh, and quite frankly david Uh, I know he had been sorry. He had spoken about how he thought his looked horrible I don't think he's alone in that opinion. Yeah, and so I Wanted to make sure I didn't go to the same guy so then I said to him one night at the at the world famous improvisation on melrosevano I said david Uh, who did you go to for the trash? I know you're talking about the trash, but who'd you go to? He was oh, you don't want to go to my guy and then walked away. It was like you damn right I don't want to go to your guy, but I want to know who that is. I'm gonna avoid him Right, and then you did that on his live Podcasts, yeah According to david when he said that that was false humility was who's kind of fishing for you to say no Actually, they look pretty good Oh Jesus and I dropped the ball on this thing. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah Oh God or you know what? I understand the bad blood and that makes my deputy. This is making more sense to me Uh, but I I guess I thought because he hadn't stage talked about How unhappy he was with it and about how his guy screwed up his head and how he looks the worst he's ever looked in his life I guess I thought That he was had a sense of humor about and then he'd be very helpful But I all right I put my foot in my mouth, but does he know now that they look horrible? Or is he still a little lie? cap Oh, is that that cross that's what that coffee? So one of the things that we're going to ask you to do Uh, you can't talk about the coffee anymore. All right, great One of the things we're going to ask you to do is uh, uh, sometimes your eyes when you're talking to david they lift above The ridge of his nose When you're talking to him your eyes kind of go up the forehead to the hairline and David feels that you're doing that to Better him that he would like you to make eye contact And then when the eye contact eases off He is specifically requesting that your eyes drift downward Away from the girl away from the hairline Can you do that? Okay, I can I I should remind you we're on the telephone for the interview, but uh Uh, the the next time I see david I'll certainly keep those notes in mind But as today My eyes are probably just gonna be looking out the window here on the Cincinnati cap and I'm gonna be looking out the window here Uh, I don't know tell room, uh the beautiful sights Okay, and uh, a couple of other things that he just wants to go over then we'll then we'll start the interview because hey And by the way, congratulations. You got on the show. You got it. You did Yeah, I did cap. Yeah, thank you. I mean this is uh, you know Did you call your parents to tell them you're doing the show or do you want to see how it goes? Do you want to see how it goes first? You know what I I kind of like my parents to be surprised when I see the podcast Like when I want to pop so like when I when I tweet about it or but I put on facebook Then they get the experience for the first time like it's a new experience for them and they're not anticipating anything I don't like them. They certainly would be lucky enough to be on davids. Uh, I don't want them to be Uh excited and let down so I just want them to you just see it and then go Hey, look at that and then listen to it. Well, that's that's the game plan there Yeah, what I like to do is have certain guys who I call at the last minute Because If I say okay, you're officially booked on the david feldman show in three months Right, you're gonna go crazy for three months and you're gonna be nervous and you're gonna over it, right? Well, I think I think I think that is the case. It's always when you do standing up comedy on on television If you if you get called uh on thursday before like hey, we're gonna be on next wednesday Even that's a little intense because you have that many days to think about all my set Oh my set always that but way a lot of times it's even longer like you might get a call in january to do a march Appearance or an april appearance like that's stressful. Yeah, I mean david knows david's done late night college It's it's it's stressful. So I hear where you're coming from cap But this should just be a little looser because this is like a conversation. This isn't so much like a prepared segment Oh, this is very important This very it's a very important. I'm not disagreeing that. I mean cap. I don't I'm not disagreeing That'd be david's podcast is doing doing great work It's a it's a if I may it's the podcast with of john oliver and samantha b and to a lesser extent Trevor Noah it's very similar to what that's a sort of vibe Through the eyes of a other misfits. I think that's where really what it comes down to anything Yeah, I gotta give david credit because he knows all the writers who work on the daily show and john oliver and samantha b Are transcribing his thoughts Not just the show itself But he knows that there are people who are following around and writing down everything he says And then using it on those shows david You're suggesting cap that david and his daily life is walking around Maybe giving his views comedically on the on various things that are having the news And that people are writing it down and then giving it to these various hosts. Is that what you're saying? Oh, there's no question about that. I've seen it myself question about it. Yes at first You've you've been you've been privy to this you've you've been witness. Yes. I was david Allowed me to take him out for lunch the other day. Okay. That was very nice of him anything Yeah, we're talking and then a gentleman walks over And he has a pen in his hand and this little pad And like a reporter would that sort of thing. Yeah, and he says uh, and you know, he tries to you know He tries to trick us. He's you know, do you see anything on the menu you like? You know, and david knows this guy come on this guy Is just standing over us writing down every bon mot that comes out of feldman's mouth and sending He was he was looming over you. He was looming over us. We're just trying to drink some water And all you have at this point is water. You haven't even you don't even have your food This guy's moving over you're pressing you for questions Yeah, and there's a like, you know, there's a menu and then david's pontificating about trump and the supreme court decision And this guy's just standing over us With he's waiting and listening Every hanging on every word with a pad and a pen And you know, he tries to suck up to david, you know, is there anything on the menu you like? And david saw right through it and he and he of course he did david's not a dumb man He saw he of course he saw right through this. Yeah, so he said who you with smantha b Uh-huh The guy walked away and then he kept coming back. It was like he was shameless. He kept coming back So what what made him a cap what made him finally go away because I have a theory on this Was it when he eventually did you when did you guys bring up food? Did he then eventually go away? When I go out to lunch with david what we do is we order hot water And okay, and then he makes me Look for plates that he doesn't like to waste food is what he doesn't he thinks you if you've listened to his show He talks about I can't go ahead. Oh, you don't have a computer or a phone I don't agree with a lot of what david says. Uh, it is between you and I kept I bet uh You know, I don't know. I mean relax man. That's what I think. I think relax Yeah, until he likes a little bit more, but he sold the effing tense all the time It's a it's a hard listen. I you know, so I listen to you know I don't listen a lot of podcasts because I have one of my own, but I I listened like a You know, uh, this american life for cereal or you know s towns very popular and I listen to those Yeah, those are nice Relaxing light fair where david's is everything's tense the world's crumbling. I'm the bad guy. I'm with you Bad bad bad, you know what I mean? I mean that gets that gets tiring That's what people say, but yet they just steal everything From him you really believe that oh my god, you're witness to what you saw there at the restaurant I understand. Oh my god, but they don't I don't know what not stealing got me david Listen, he does he have trophies, of course. He does. He's a terrific writer I have emails that are so well written that these deserve awards But I don't know if anybody's stealing, but I mean you know better than I do can't I pause well I mean David would kill me He would kill me If I brought this up because it doesn't bother him It doesn't but he believes that you know do what you do And ideas belong to everybody So he would kill me for bringing this up Kill me He can't believe that he can't believe that he has solid Concepts and jokes that he's happy with somebody else taking them. No, he is just the most generous again when he's very When he when I go to coffee. No, I know I love off the coffee. I get it. I'm in the studio right now drinking the coffee That I bought and he's he allows you to buy the flavor. I see yeah And and and pays for the electricity on the mr. Coffee machine. It's like somebody burns the coffee Right, somebody leaves the coffee maker on accidentally Rarely rarely will david say hey, man When you're done with the coffee turn it off Because the electricity You know because he cares about greenhouse gases. He cares about the environment. I understand that So you're saying but now it's rare, but occasionally he will get upset about occasionally That's the problem is that a lot of us who work here Worship him and that's not fair to him. He's just a man Who's just a man? You're right. It's just a man, you know working for him. You kept kept kept He's just a man with some horrible plugs. Can we grant that? You see that's why david Wanted to do this pre interview with you because he feels that yes that You don't mean what you you you say sometimes but that's why I don't you know what you're right about that cap I don't know because uh You know, it's it's not I'm not really being funny now because we're doing the pre interview But once David gets on the line, you know, I jazzed it up a little bit the fun He's gonna come here comes daddy You know what I mean coming down the the runway with it with the goods Uh, so I was just trying to make it light a little bit that way you're right I would never say that to david But I said it now just to kind of bring some humor to uh To this pre interview which by the way is maybe the longest pre interview I've ever done in my life Well, there's some stuff and I yeah, well david is very meticulous and he works us he works us hard But then we're better than we become better. We become birds that can fly away From him. This is what david says. He says I mean Push you out of the nest I see he says I'm making you better by making you work this hard You're building scar tissue and muscle and that eventually when you actually question my authority and then you're forced to leave You'll be able to find work someplace else And I cannot tell you the people who are impressed that they were able that I was able to survive working in this pressure cooker I don't understand why it's a pressure cooker. It's it's a podcast And by the way, when I say this is the longest pre interview, uh, I'm gonna circle back Podcast wise. It's the only pre interview I've ever done. I've done them for television But never for a podcast cap But usually you just hop on the phone or you jump in somebody's studio and you chip chat and then it's over Right, you may I I will make a couple of 80s music references. Those are my go-to Uh, you know, uh Totem poles if you will I make some jokes I might mention naked eyes Uh, hey, here comes a saga reference funny stuff Uh, and then I leave and everybody uh tweets about hey great appearance, but you'll be part of under such a podcast That's usually what happens There's never been a pre interview like this and the fact that I got up At 10 o'clock in the morning to do this and it's now 10 21 and I'm still on the phone with David It's kind of honestly getting on my nerves a little bit cap. Okay again This is a very professional organization and I I still want to work here and I have to answer to David. You have no idea how many Letters come in resumes come in young Eager eager people wanting to work for David because I get and so if I lose this job At this point in my career it it would be devastating. So I'm just like I'm just doing the work that needs to be done. Okay cap what you've done so far again in 21 minutes You have not asked me a single thing about what I'm gonna talk. I want to talk Preview you've not done any of that all you've done is quite frankly for 20 for for 18 of 21 It's coffee this coffee that all I'm here. He's coffee. I get them. I get to make the coffee I I get to drink the coffee and isn't David a great guy for getting coffee. So I wasted I got up very early here Uh to talk to my friend David Dolby again, we're gonna maybe have to have some fun, right? Well, he's got some he's got a kid that I met once at a at a function for uh abused people Which is uh fun? Believe it or not and then so I know his family so I got a day. I get started Let's do it and now I'm hearing about his coffee and uh how you're uh may or may not I I think it was a wager by the way idiot I think it was a waiter that was coming to your table and I played along with it because I didn't want to hurt your Feelings cap, but if David is here on the phone in three minutes. I'm hanging up the app and phone Okay, that's the kind of attitude that The David Feldman radio program is made possible by listeners like you You sad pathetic humps Hey, we're back we're recording who's this It's Feldman Hey, David. All right, you know, I believe in God and I get a lot of I do believe in God And if you don't believe in God or if you don't believe in the universe You're not paying attention. Tell everybody what just happened. We're we're we're rolling So tell everybody because it was unbelievable It was uh, you were doing a very strong character in cat Uh, who was who was pre-interviewing me? And all I really did was I just yes, and you uh, you drove the ship. I yes ended it Lots of fun. I will play and do that all day long quite frankly and uh But then I uh, I thought like all right, I'll I'll I'll and I'll contribute something And went to the easiest improv thing and that's anger and uh Pretend that I was mad at a cat for taking so much time And then I said if it doesn't have to wait or something like if David Feldman doesn't get on the phone soon I'm going to hang up and then my phone went dead And we lost our connection right after I said that which was amazing. It was perfect. It was amazing and I realized They're really it was beautiful that it stopped and that's why I had to take two minutes to call you back because I wanted to make sure The thing died when it was it really did die It really did And I kind of about the same way. It's like I hope in a way. I hope he never calls back And then yet I hope we talk I hope he calls back and we talk about it because both of those are a win Okay, so we're talking with jimmy parto and thank you for doing this and My mind is racing with questions and observations and I'm bubbling over with excitement to talk to you I'm thrilled to be on I I I actually love the show and I love Whenever you guys tweet out all of the show, I love the fun that you guys are obviously having and then I listened and I had the exact front So thank you for having me and again. I always I always By the way, cat bambelman, I I had a note that the in the pre in the pre interview What'd you find out from cat? No, I I just I'm looking at my notes because I was scribbling stuff down That cat bambelman was going to say that david forgives you for stealing his Devil may care tone on your On your podcast That's very nice for david. I'm talking to cap again. So we're talking. Let me give you a proper Introduction as they say in great britain. All right jimmy door is the host Of comedy and everything else. He used to do it with him. Hang on. Hang on. I'm jimmy pardo And uh, it's called number 12 never not funny. Did you want to jimmy dean jimmy dean is a Nope, that's a uh, that's a Uh, and a sausage maker. Yeah, dead sausage maker Who used to sing country western music and had his own variety show in the 70s very difficult to work with Please welcome to the show jimmy dean Oh, hello. Hello. How are you jimmy dean pork sausages? Now i'll tell you what you sit down at breakfast table. You're gonna get yourself your pancake may be a waffle But nothing you guys gotta go side by side with some jimmy dean Uh jimmy pardo hosts the best Podcast well first of all you you're very nice. I'll tell you this i did see your tweet the other day where you Tweaked out that you were on the key from the girl and you said along with jimmy pardo Yeah, you consider us the pioneers podcasting and uh, it was very moved by that tweet So thank you for saying that you did start it and we used to do sketches on our show when we when this was a sketch show We used to have a podcast inspector and it was That there was a podcasting license that was given out and they would do these flash Like we'd be doing the show and then the middle rick overton would come in as the podcast Love it and You know to make sure we were up to code and one of the codes was you had to have A eight by ten of jimmy pardo On the east side of the studio it had to be hung up Uh, and did you pass did you pass muster that i've had pass muster No, because when eddie was the on the eddie peppertome was on the show and he we found out that eddie Had a fake podcasting license So he had to go back to school to learn how to podcast Love it. Yeah, I have to go back and find those they were probably yeah They were from like 2012 And we did things that were so surreal But we lived in a neighborhood Where everybody had a podcast So like mark maren lived across the street Jimmy door lived near you lived everybody who had a podcast and did my show we lived in this town That was the universe everybody had a podcast Well, i'll tell you what yeah, you guys were uh, yeah, yeah, it's soothsayers because now basically everybody does Jimmy pardo never not funny You just did the partathon to raise money for the smile train Well, we call it the park park castathon Okay Don't get mad at me for giving the right name. No, I mean And there's a charity, but I guess it's not important. Let's move on It's a great cause tell us what smile train is please Smile trains the great organization that goes through to third world countries and performs the surgery on children And sometimes adults to fix cleft cleft palates and cleft lips Uh, each surgery only costs $250 and only takes about 45 minutes Uh, so any amount of money that you donate goes towards basically changing a person's life And that's uh, I know that sounds uh hyperbolic, but it's not uh I went down there with uh pat francis and that bell mep uh who colors the event with me We all went down to mexico uh small city of mexico and watched uh met doctors and met families that have had the surgery and It literally you could see It in the before and after and you see how it changes their lives and uh, it's a great organization and uh I'm proud to be affiliated with it. We've raised. I think now maybe 170. No wrong 870 thousand dollars over the years you have Uh, never not funny alone is raised like yeah, like close. I think we're close to 100,000 dollars now. Yeah, uh in all seriousness That's amazing You know what David at first look say think of or say that because when I hear like other Like a uh, there's others. There's sometimes I'll hear a charity that uh, Yeah, I'm trying to think of somebody. Uh, you know, uh, god, but I'm Jerry Lewis Jerry Lewis raises for you know, 50 billion I know what you're saying go ahead So, yeah, right. So I hear that I hear like a Jerry Lewis raises pretty well like I raised 150,000 this year But then I hear like other people like white socks charities are excited to announce we raised 70 thousand dollars over the weekend Like oh, I raised more than just the white socks. That's amazing So I think it's uh, it's the one thing it's honestly got other than my son It's it's the thing I'm most proud of because we just grass-rooted it and Uh, you know, it's it's one thing that did make kind of separates never not funny from other podcasts that we do This event and uh, we're thrilled to do it. It really is in all in all seriousness for for a A podcast That started from nothing just through sheer force of will And then to build a loyal audience with no network behind it Nothing, you correct. You you just did this through word of mouth Through just delivering great consistent funny And then you're able and then you're able to I mean, you're close to a million dollars. I mean that is yeah, right It's pretty neat. I'm I'm thrilled and uh, yeah, we did how bad do you feel that you keep it all and don't give it to the That's I feel a little bad, but only when it's brought up. Otherwise, I'm fine with it I mean, you know, daddy's gotta eat. No, yeah You know, uh, you know, we showed the video to the children You know that the before and after we always show whatever we show the children And I get a little tense during that because like god, they're gonna see me for the fraud that I am But then it when it's over and I say today we raised 178,000 That feels good to then look at your bank account the next morning feels very good Does it feel good to So you go down to mexico and you meet the people who you're helping Yeah Did you mind if I ask you? Is there a question on that or did I do that? Did you pick the smile train? because You're a comedian and you Feel you can't believe that people can't smile. I mean I'm being serious. Is that No, you know what's it's it's funny you say because there's a quote on the smile train website that you know I add where I say something like it makes sense that You know, uh, that on that we have this association with Smile Train because we're both in the business of putting smiles on people's faces Um, which is a little small fee, but it's kind of true um, it just kind of happened like uh, just by Cosmic events really it's uh, I saw the ad on the back of parade magazine Uh, you know that sunday supplement thing and it had that before and after picture of a of a baby with the Cleft palate and then with the surgery and and it had the sentence For $250 you could change a child's life I donated and then the next day I came into the podcast and our guest that day was pat francis And uh, and he had mentioned that he too had had seen the ad and that he donated And then on the same day the same day on the same day Yeah And so then that turned into us doing like a one-time auction on never not funny too Hey, if people donate money, whoever, uh, donates the most, uh We'll get to be a guest on never not funny And then that went from there and then it grew into that auction grew into us doing a 12 hour marathon Of uh, you know having a different guest on every half hour and treating it like a telephone And then like I said, I think this year we raised 148 thousand is what we raised this past march And if people who are listening to this marathon of a show Yeah Want to donate to the smile train? How would they do that? Where do they go? Oh Uh, go, you know, just go to nevernotfunny.com and then there's a link right on the front page there to donate the smile train Uh, and then that way it kind of goes through those the window of they're not funny So they know where uh why you're donating to them or where it's coming from But if you just want to go to smile train.org you can do that too. Mm-hmm How much of this is I'm being serious here and this is kind of cliche to say this But it how much of this is a gift To you and your family the smile train thing what how does it help? You and your beautiful wife and kid You know, I I I don't know if my son understands it, but uh, I think it's um You know, I I got it again. It also sounds cliche Uh, but the very first year we did it and by the way the first year we only raised like six thousand dollars Uh, that's a lot of money small little I thought I can't do I can't do the math. That's about 50 operations or something, right? It's right right and and and this is back in 2009 where podcasting was still kind of this niche little cult like thing Uh, and I felt like I again, I'd given money to charity But at the end of that one, uh, even more now even more so than now when we make you know Obviously raise more money in the event is a huge event that we do We did a live at flappers in burbank this past year and the streams live across the internet and people are Donating as they go and there's auctions and there's contests and there's all sorts of ways to Raise more money as the as the event goes on But the first year when we went at the end of the night where we said we raised $6,000 I felt a warmth in my body like I know it's like oh, so this is why people do this This is why people do charity a charitable Chair that got to charity events and uh our charitable and and it felt it just felt it felt amazing and then By default if I'm walking around feeling amazing my wife's gonna feel good and you know You know being in a house with somebody happy for five minutes, so You know, then I go right back to being me and then she wonders why she's still with me Can I give you some financial advice? I'm listening yes You have a beautiful funny wife Right Yes, I do. Thank you for saying so I agree a hundred percent worshipper Do not make the mistake that I made Just just worship her to say yes Danielle do there's no such thing as justice in a marriage. It's not fair just bring her flowers and Just worship her and bow at her altar. Do not question her Let me say this about that First of all, I hear where you're coming from, but if I showed up one day with flowers Her me to the thought her media thought would be what's up. What did they do? Uh because it's so same here. Uh, it would be it would be so out of the order like here's the flowers You're like, what the heck did you do? So, uh, so I go to safe route and just never buy her a thing I don't want her to be suspicious. So I just keep by I just buy myself nice drinks You know, I I'm almost there at the finish line on this divorce Yeah, and normal men Do normal things like flowers chocolate They remember Birthdays and stuff they they go on vacate, you know normal men Don't say hey, honey I just got booked in Maui Why don't you come with me and that'll be your vacation? Right and Normal women who are married No woman no normal woman is going to say Hey, uh, I'm going to go to Hawaii for a week. My husband is playing there And we'll get to hang out. Of course, he'll be nervous all day Going over material he'll be distant And thinking about the show, but I'll get to stay in a relatively nice hotel But then when I want to do something fun, he'll say You know easy for you, but I'm here on business And that would be my vacation Most women don't put up with that You know, it's so funny that you said that because for you know, I I spent so many years Traveling is a comic and you know as we all did, you know, you know, basically living out of my car And so like when like the bottom time radio show took to be down to the Bahamas like Four I think it was four years in a row And Danielle came with me And it was like, well, here's our vacation and but it was exactly what you just described it was like Well, our vacation consists of getting up at six in the morning to do this radio show for four hours And then stressed out the whole day about when am I going to sleep Because I got to get up at four o'clock in the morning again the next day So, uh to do the radio. So you're exactly right. That was our first vacations were that So then when we had our honeymoon It was the first time ever that I was doing something Travel-wise for a week That I didn't have to do a show and I didn't have to get up in the morning And I didn't have to worry about anything and David, I didn't know how to effin handle it I literally had a nervous breakdown the first night of our honeymoon It was great. I'm not even I say it immediately, but I'm not I'm not I'm serious I really was like she said what's going on with you? I said, I don't know what to do right now. What do we just relax? It was crazy Yeah, and you really are an animal when it comes to the stand-up and the performing So, uh I certainly was back. I mean, you know, I've been married now since 2004 Uh, you know back in those days. I was probably traveling 20 weeks a year and now I've got I've gotten it down a bit You know, I've got it down maybe 12 weekends a year maybe a little bit more than this year But yes, I and then it was a time it was 48 to 50 weeks out of the year that I would travel. So Uh Yeah, when I took that when I had that honeymoon and it was just a week of nothing It was about the end of it. I actually said there now. I understand why people look forward to their vacations I get this. Oh my god. What a joy it is to not worry about stuff. Yeah, you know, I just remembered this We I was married in 1990 And I didn't know I we went to london For a week because I had a I had catch a rising star In vegas the following week. I could there was some kind of deal On the honeymoon where we could have gone for two weeks and it would have been Like the same price But I had to go back, you know, I was booked in vegas. I had to take Uh, probably lost money, you know But any but anyway a little but the point I'm making is I just remembered this In order to go into honeymoon mode And vacation mode I wore a necktie every day. I got up. I don't know why I did this But I would we would get up and wherever we went I put on a necktie Now no shirt Just a neck Like That was fantastic You know, I loved about that is You you had the joke and you were correct But you then you wanted to just tweak it a little what you were you were doing the the honorable thing Just to I you know, I'm aware that there was a smock involved, but for the most part you look like fredford. Anyway, It was great. So yeah You put the tie on to remind myself That I was on a honeymoon And when you wear a tie, you're not a stand-up comic You know what? I mean, listen, it's the opposite of anybody else If somebody's a businessman, they wear a tie all day long They want to go out and not wear a tie. It kind of makes sense. Like, you know Make your life a little bit different so that you can relax and not be in stand-up mode or way, you know, writer mode Whatever the mode you want to be in Yeah, I get it in religion. They're called phylacteries You wear certain things To remind yourself that you're not of this dimension You'll you know, go ahead I wasn't because of that on my honeymoon. It's Italy. I wore a nuns have it And it really really was helpful. So I know exactly what you're talking about Do you ever find when you're wearing a nuns have it for cosplay that sometimes This enormous breeze kicks up and you were flying. Yeah Absolutely. I'm glad you brought it up. Absolutely It's uh, so we do most of it now in convention halls and that sort of thing with the air conditioning officer that that doesn't happen Did you know that the flying nun did not wear panties? I did not know that. Yeah, that's why everybody looked up Not a lot of people didn't know that about the flying. I didn't know that Do you realize there was a television show called the flying nun? I'm crazy about like if you pitch that today, they would go maybe for adults wear maybe Right the flying nun What was happening there was the flying nun and then there was A german p.o.w camp that was a I know the hogan's heroes I love it. I love what Robert Klein's a little bit about uh, and I will quote it of course But if anybody wants to listen to Robert, I think it's on the second album But he's been about hogan's heroes, but you know, obviously he just it it stated now But at the time it was like the absurdity of hogan's here. It's absurd Yeah, it's absurd. By the way, no relation to edward h. Feldman who was the Producer of hogan's heroes and I have a theory you look when I say edward h. Feldman You did you watch hogan's heroes growing up? I it was one of those like, you know, uh growing up you had the three major networks and you know, chicago had wgm that would play all the reruns And uh, so by default after school You watch like the same four shows, you know, uh, you know, brady bunch be witched Uh, there was one other one and and hogan's heroes. Those were the four that you watched Every day, uh, maybe barney miller Um, but yes, go ahead So growing up you'd watch hogan's heroes, which I thought was a pretty good show Me too and I would I you know, I'd be like six years old going should I change my last name For show business. I'm six years old. I'm the class clown Would I be getting bigger laughs if my last name weren't feldman? Should I What would you what would you change it to? Why would you think that is that eight? I mean, I'm doing well as a class clown first grade. I think I'm the funniest kid in the room But if I when I go to second grade should I change it to fields or You know use my middle name gregory. Should I be like gregory david? Maybe I can really because it's going to get more competitive in the second grade with this class Absolutely. So I'd be one So I'd be watching hogan's heroes And I'd see executive producer edward h feldman and I thought oh feldman is An okay name for show business and then my sister explained to me because we'd be watching it together She'd say look how they hold on edward h feldman at the beginning of hogan's heroes Why do you think they're doing that Interesting and I go. I don't know. She said because they want to indemnify themselves. They're using the feldman name At the top of hogan's heroes to say the jews approve of this And she said he probably doesn't even do anything For hogan's heroes. He probably doesn't even exist So change your name because there's a guy named Michael andriosi who's coming up real fast in the second grade and he might end up Beating you as class clown, but I didn't change my name How'd andriosi do? I it was tough michael andriosi a very funny guy Uh I I I refused he was seven. Was he really funny? He's still funny. Do you know anything about andriosi now? Andriosi was hysterical Had a gentler sense of humor. It was very like mine was very biting in the second grade And I was more of a bully and he had a yeah, he had a silliness to him And uh, he won he won second grade I should have changed my name. I should have changed my name. I think the name hurt you. I think I think that his date hurt you I uh This is a uh, I went to you know, I was not uh, you know in high school I was not voted the funniest kid in class or you know how they do that stupid thing at the end of the year and um The guy that was I won't give his name uh He he kind of was what I would do is like he would do all the heavy lifting He would do all the he'd be the silly soft guy Like you said like uh, and he would get big laughs and then I would just say one sarcastic thing at the end and get a huge laugh but Nobody remembered that because they all remember, you know, this kid being up on the desk with a crazy hat on so uh right Go on so recently Uh, recently a guy came to my show. I was working in chicago and a kind guy came up to uh came up to me afterwards he goes, hey, I just ran into so-and-so, uh, or I just ran into a guy that you went to high school with and I said uh, uh He said he went to oak forest high school and I said, oh, do you probably know jimmy parto then? Uh, he's my favorite comedian and the guy goes. Yeah, he wasn't even funny in high school So it's always the funniest guy You really in 2017 you're still holding some weird friends about this Wow Like and by the way make no mistake. I was fun here. There's obvious. I was of course Of course right there I just noticed this guy wasn't funny. He was funny. He was funny, but he's not funny So you were you were the class class and did you when there when you went home at the end of the day? If you got a big laugh, did you remember it? Did you remember the feeling of getting the laugh in the classroom and it kind of Well, yeah, because again, this guy would do all he'd do all the work And then I would just be a sarcastic gay hole And then you know my friends and I because I wasn't one of the popular kids this guy was We would then talk about it like oh man, that was great We you said that line you got that joke in and you know that was great and then yeah And then of course I probably go. Yeah, but that doesn't matter. They still don't want to be friends with me Let me be one of the popular kids like I'm sure they immediately went to that And then instead of just enjoying the fact that I had great friends around me There are two things I remember You know throughout elementary school and high school Are walking down the hall and the girl I had a crush on Would say Hello to me Or if I said hello to her Hello, hello. She said hello to me. She said I would I'd carry that for a week Did that go she said hello to me She made eye contact. She smiled at me and the other thing that I would carry were the big laughs That I got In the classroom. Well, did that nourish we kind of had to right at our I did it it it it did. I'm sure there was also some self-loathing, but uh I think it did yes Uh There was a girl her name was Donna And I would say same deal. I had a you know, I had a crush on her and I would say hello to her every day And I finally talked to this other kid and she was one of the popular girls But she didn't seem to be Like if there's a popular circle like she didn't seem to be part of the inner circle She seemed to be popular but kind of on the outside of the popular circle And I thought well, you know what I bet you I could ask her on a date and she'll say yes I won't make a fool of myself and I talked to another guy. He's like, I think you're right You got to ask Donna on a date ask her on a date ask her on a date And I finally worked up the nerve to ask her on a date and I was humiliated like how what made you think Donna would go off with you like it was horrible And then like she was very nice about it. She said I'm busy and then I remember like six months later going I you have a chance this weekend and she's like no I'm busy. I'm like boy. You're always busy It's like she didn't even occur to me She said Dory, she didn't want to do this I hate to bring up I hate to bring up Roddy, but I'm I'm obsessed with Roddy right now and he's asking Sally Kellerman out and back to school. Yeah, remember the line I don't but go ahead. She's a professor. He says hey, what do you say you go out tonight? She's gonna have a class Well, why don't we have a date tomorrow? I have another class Hmm, why don't you call me when you have when you have no class? Love it Yeah, were you uh, wait, I'm sorry you go ahead I was gonna ask you have you ever heard Robert Klein's story about uh going out on a uh on a boat with Yeah Freedrightest, it's the greatest. Yeah, it's the great love it go on don Rickles Yes, right. I've been suffering from this Although you go on youtube Good god, I I watched him at Reagan's second inaugural on youtube the other night after he died God was he funny? I mean it was he had a tremendous influence on you He did he was one of the um Uh, you know, I I put it on facebook the other day that there was three but there's actually four It was Johnny Carson, Richard Lewis, Don Rickles and Robert Kleiner the four that really I think influenced me overall Uh, but you know rickles is the one that bleeds through the most um Because I do the crowd work and I you know, I I've got the false bluster and uh You know, obviously I'm not down rickles. I'm not doing the same thing as Don But I can understand these people saying boy, you're like down rickles and because it's I'd be a fool to deny it um But I felt like when I always would make fun of people unfairly when they would say Uh, you know, uh mickey mantle died and I cried it was you created another guy you cried. What are you talking about? Uh, but when the news came over the internet the other day that Don Rickles has passed away My eyes I immediately had tears in my eyes and I just was like I texted my wife I said Don Rickles passed away. I'm kind of shaking about it Like he was a guy like that you and I both we we've been watching this guy since we were a kid and Being influenced by him and and and because we you and I both have a more biting style I I guess it's just like I'm not saying we're special but You know, you relate to what Don did and the chances that he took and You know, there were times like I did the same thing as you I went down that wormhole of youtube clips And I'm watching him with You know Sinatra and Carson and he's not really getting laughs even Rickles, but he's being hysterical You know Um, what do you mean? He's not this hang on for one second. Hang on. This is really important to me He wasn't getting laughs Not not really. He was just kind of you know doing his Rickles schtick of you know, uh, you know I look at at he's you know, looking at a coaster saying where's my hat? and uh It's Sinatra and Carson are buckled over and the audience is kind of laughing. You know what I mean But yet if you or I watched it again, I'm not saying we're special But you know, I'm dying to laugh at this and I'm sure anybody that's really in the county's time I think if you're just a normal person, you're wondering First of all, those sentences don't make sense And Zaley why is it why is he interrupting Frank Sinatra the biggest star in the world? Let me hear Frank talk some more. So like there's a weird energy in the room. I thought but But still wonderful to watch I was having a name dropping here. I'm gonna brag. Okay. I'm listening And this is really just to Uh impress you Mm-hmm. I had coffee yesterday with Gilbert Godfried Okay, and then the name coming who else was there so you can name drop come on. That's fun. Okay, uh, that's funny so I think Gilbert is You know I mean, I mean there is Uh Anyway, this is I I saw Anyway, I was going to say something about Gilbert and that is I'm going to start getting sappy so Okay, but we were talking about stop that immediately. Yeah. Yeah. So we're talking about The tv audience at home versus the people in the studio and I said Who cares What the people in a television studio think It's what the people at home think and some of my criticism of the stand-up specials is Don't cater to the room you're playing to think of the people at home Think of the people at home because if you think of the people at home, it's going to be a completely different funnier smarter stand-up performance What do you think about that by the way if my father if my father were still alive, this is what he would say You had coffee with gilbert godfried And all you have to tell me is what you told gilbert godfried You pompously you pompous blowhard I don't I did not see it that way. I'm not your father. I saw that that's two comedians talking about shop I love it. Um I think that uh I 100% agree with you But how do you not And you know we we do these live number not funny shows once a month at flappers and burbank. Uh, we have one Coming up and it took us a few of those shows that by the way i'm answering your question by plugging my own show um It took us a few of those live shows to not chase the laughs in the room and remember Hey, there's only a hundred people sitting here 25 to 50 000 listen across the world So stay true to the studio version of not funny while you're doing the live version of never not funny Yes, it's great to get those hundred people laughing. Obviously, that's our job is to make that audience laugh They paid money to sit there and listen But at the end of the day, you're doing a show that goes out to the world So I hear exactly what you're saying because I agree with it that there's people at home Be true to what you're doing so that the people that are fans of yours and that followed your years Uh, but how do you not try to get the laughs in the room because that's what we're Instinctively as comedians. That's what we do is you want that instant satisfaction that instant gratification So I think it's really hard to not do that yet. I ever said agree with you So the night That rickles is on with johnny and frank and they're laughing hysterically Does he know that the audience isn't? I don't know but that's a great question. That's a great question I don't know the answer to that Uh, and I can't even ask him because I don't know if you heard he passed away Oh Yeah, we have we lost rickles Again stupid comedian. I have to get a laugh at that even though we know when we're both grieving, but uh There's also a clip up. Go ahead. You go ahead No, no, you you it's only you had a better question No, actually I care more about the other clip. I want to make sure I write it down and watch it Well, maybe you have it. It was and in fact, I recommend watching all the clips of irv cups in it Irv cut from chicago from chicago Who was a great newspaper journalist and a I think I'm being kind when I say average talk show host um He had rick. It was rickles robert gulay Yeah, the local sportscaster tim weigel and uh, tomula sorda It was So actually rickles was not the dirtiest act up there It was it right and and and urm I want you to watch the clip because first of all it's it was it turned out to be Like I like I said, I went down the wormhole of watching these clips too and I watched that rickles one Well, then all of a sudden that one made me go. Well, I'm done watching rickles clips I gotta watch cup clips for the rest of the night I'm watching serve cups of the clips and it's literally I mean it's almost like podcasting Back in the 70s. It's because it's so intimate It's like they don't even realize there's people watching it. They're talking over each other There's one thing where lucille ball is talking and elizabeth ashley is talking and they're talking over each other david mammots. They're trying to make a point. Nobody gives a shit. It's fascinating Wow Wow, so with rickles rickles is doing his shtick and he's any and the sordas the audience is dying The sordas laughing his ass off robert grilles kind of confused as to what's happening And and tim weigel the sports guy's going and laughing at every word out of rickles mouth And and cup is trying to keep it on the rails And doesn't realize that the show is on the rails because he's in the hands of don rickles Who knows what he's doing and he just keeps it going. Okay, there it goes don again All right, here we go with don again. Okay, don But rickles is be it's you have to watch it. It's wonderful. Yeah. I I love it I remember urv cups in it Briefly got syndicated and I used to he had a bad to pay right Get a horrible to pay. Yes Yes That's what I remember even as a kid. I could spoil a bad to pay Right and you can't even know that's an option And you knew he had one I'm going into third grade. I said I turned to my sister Is this should I get the transplants? Do you What do you think should I Yeah I think you should have a give it a little time. So podcasting Yeah, you you said something really interesting because Growing up If you had insomnia You could turn on the radio and there were guys who had call and shows Who knew how to fill time? They weren't yeah, they weren't necessarily Brilliant or witty But they could keep a conversation going till Six in the morning and there were television shows like that Where if you couldn't sleep or you were drinking and smoking dope There there was always a guy Who was on at you know one in the morning? And and you described that with cups in it that he had this thing Well in the 90s all that disappeared because of the telecommunications act and they Corporations bought up all the radio stations and all the tv stations and began running infomercials forever So that that disappeared and podcasts Filled the vacuum Yeah, right Did you I'll go along with that. Yeah, right and and when So and one of the things I've been realizing is I've thrown myself Completely into the podcast I'm I go through phases where Because I've been doing mine since 2009 I know it's hard for you to believe this, but I'm I'm one of the early guys I know I know you are that's what's weird. It's like I've been doing it since 2006 But I was so and like you mentioned Keith and the girl and uh You know there were a few of us that were doing it that early, but it really was it didn't take off until 2012 or whatever, but so the 2009 it's still pretty early right right and couple of things Is I go through periods Where I really throw myself into the podcast Because I do think it's a medium and an art form In and of itself for years and this is I have a question. Okay. This is a question for you Did you when you started think this is radio So I'm going to recreate radio Did you then realize no this is something brand new That isn't going to lead to anything Because it is what it is and it's a really powerful medium and it's different from radio. It's different from television podcasts Are are an art form that that are not That are unlike anything else I think when we started there's no question that I because The podcast that we're out there other than ricky's your base and I had not I was nothing there ricky from the girl there was somebody another one called dawn and drew and Uh, and then for those that there were there were some other comedy ones But they were mostly tech ones they they always they all sounded like somebody talking through their microphone on their computer And I had said if we're gonna do this I wanted to sound like it's a radio show I wanted to sound like we like you so like those overnight radio guys Or you know, I grew up idolizing steve doll and gary meyer in chicago I wanted it to kind of sound like that where this guy's talking and conversational So that was my initial what I wanted to do is I wanted to replicate radio talk radio Uh, without the bells and whistles and then in the sound effects all that which Ironically here. We are 11 years later on my show and we've added, you know, everything has a drop now We've dropped some songs and it's gone. But it's exactly what I didn't want to do but but it's but it happened organically And it's and it's and it's working Um, and you and your audience grows with you your specific your specific. Yeah Yeah, they did that's exactly right. So they grew with me. So like it's not crazy like that all of a sudden You know, like I think if we would have come out of the box with with song parodies and dry and droppings and The people like what is this like what's this trying to try to be radio on a podcast for me? That's not gonna work But the fact that it all like you said they grew with us and they happen organically Uh, they saw the transformation um I think I Kind of speak to what you said about how we didn't know if this was anything It's not going to lead anywhere. It really did feel like that like hey We're just doing this to entertain ourselves and if people are listening. Hey, that's great, too and then it It happened, you know what I mean like this podcasting thing took off for all of us and You know, I'm I'm great for thank christ. I got in when I did so that you know, I had this following And I'm not trying to You know, uh chase the dragon like so many other guys now if you're not if you're not famous I don't know how you start a podcast now You know what I mean if you're just a funny guy living in Ohio and you say I'm gonna do a podcast I'm gonna get my buddies around and we're gonna talk about you know, uh, you can immediately talk about golf You know, I mean good luck to you. I mean, I don't know. I don't know how you do it That's very interesting because I pride myself I say When people ask me about a podcast I say well when I started I wasn't famous. I you know, I I was a comedy writer who You know did a little tv but nobody, you know And I grew this word of mouth. I really did right But I do wonder you but go ahead. I'm sorry and I do have access to you So in all fairness, I have access to you and I've done your show. So there is this trading You have access to and you also have access to you know, like Gilbert and other people like that Who then that helps you if you're just a guy in Ohio You don't have that access and it's hard to you might be the funniest guy in the world But nobody's gonna know it because you don't have that access, you know And uh, so that helped you know that helped you you did have some you had enough fame That you were able to get some names to help you build the brand I got punch me in the face for saying that sentence um But right but welcome to night veil Came out of nowhere I don't you're right But I think but again that had that had a had its own special thing I think it went when welcome night bill came out Uh, and it's kind of the same with you with the first serial People I think it had enough of and I and this goes against what I do had enough of listening to three white guys sitting around with it Um And so if you're in the podcasting it's like well, I already listened to part. Oh, I might listen to felman I might listen to door all the doors political so that that's the first story, but you know, I might listen to hard wick Uh, I get enough of that. Hey, what's this? Oh, they're doing a scripted thing. I mean, you know what I mean, right? I have found one of the things I found with alex Who's the executive producer of the show alex brazil? Great guy. You haven't you've talked to him, which haven't Actually, no, I mean he came in there. He came with you to uh, that's right. That's right. That's right. He's amazing. He's just Yeah, he's great and His comedic instincts are impeccable uh one of the things that I'm finding with the podcast is We used to do sketch comedy Most people appreciated it, but it wasn't popular The opening of our thing were um cap bennelman doing the pre interview There yes, there I this is what I've noticed because I Get a lot of feedback from my listeners They really don't enjoy Like me being cap bennelman doing the pre interview and going they really want a conversation an interview For on my show and a round table where we're being goofy and talking when it's a prepared sketch Or improv They don't want it Some of them do but but but if in terms of going for the a big audience It it pushes a bigger audience away by doing prepared bits or improv Well, then I then I'm thrilled that we did 22 minutes up for it Holy shit Do you pay do you pay attention to What's working and just continue with it? It's it reminds me of stand-up is what it reminds me of I I don't you know what for better or worse. I kind of don't pay attention. The only thing that I will ever Because I still I still feel like a podcast is you don't take notes from a network executive You don't you don't you know, you you you're marching to a very black mother Frazier you know the beat of your own drum and you're doing what you want to do And you if people like it great if they don't they could find another one to watch or to listen to Um, but I will listen to if somebody's a you know over the years You know certain words have become taboo, but you know like You know, uh, you know, I grew up As in a generation where and I hate I I'll just spell it f a g Um, where you it didn't mean anything. It just kind of meant you called your buddies that I'm on the playground It didn't mean anything. Uh, really derogatory. I know that sounds weird to say um But we started getting enough emails of saying hey you guys You're in your 40s. You sound like assholes saying that right calling each other that name So maybe you stop doing that. It's like, okay. You know what? I'll take that note. That's a great note or Uh, you know, I I would make jokes about saying about tranny porn And I got an email from a guy saying once there a woman I again, I don't know. I don't know I don't know which one was writing me, um But they're like, hey, you know, that's kind of like the n-word in our in our circles Like I fair it off. You know what? I don't know that but that's a great I had the same experience Do you really? Yeah, go ahead. No, but no, but that's it. It's like those I will take those notes, but if somebody who somebody writes into me and says Um, hey, I don't really like when you do the uh Celebrity sightings. Uh, you know, it's a waste of time. It's not really fun to play along with And then I start writing the letter back to that guy going well You know what the celebrity sightings is really just an excuse for us to then talk about that guy Maybe his career and then maybe that movie and then we talk about that movie And maybe that leads us to the topic of bicycle riding you never know What's going to lead organically to conversation? So that's why you have these tent poles That then lead you into organic conversation. So I instead of writing that out I just ignore him because ask him he's wrong So I ignore those type of notes, but if there's notes about like, you know, stop happening in our world I'm not going to ignore that because that would be insane Yeah, I love getting feedback from the listeners. I treasure it because I need to know what they want the only problem is sometimes I well sometimes I get Some uh, I find out who the listeners really are Right and uh, should I call the police? Uh, that kind of stuff, but uh For the most part you have to sometimes question. Okay You're different because you're You took the time to write this are you an actual reflection of most of the listeners Uh, is is the most passionate listener All of the listeners, but then again The most passionate listeners are the ones who stay with you for the longest. Hey, I jotted down a note For uh, this is uh, not this is just going to derail the conversation But this is This is my trademark on the show is to just ruin it Yeah about so you happen to turn 21 this is uh you know the first rule of hosting a show Is listen focus If you have something funny to say But you can't squeeze it in move on right You you don't believe in that you take a note and go back to it I I have a note to go back to something you said and that ruins the show Because now because we had a nice flow And we were really connecting But I'm just going to grind the show to a just a dead stop and go back to that And I'm glad you are because the truth is uh, we I apologize. We have to wrap this up anyway I know so you you derailing this is perfect It brings us back it stops that nice flow and then that that way I'm not the guy going Hey, David, I enjoy the conversation, but I got to go so now I'm not the badgan anymore. It's on you So Uh, Insignantly, you're being a great host by not putting the blame on me for this ending. Go on right and by the way My shows go very long And everybody I interview says hey, I got to go Which means this show should be hosted by Ducalax And I should call the show I got to go Because everybody Because I don't I just go on and on with my guests until they finally say I got to go What I want to say is enough And what you are you what what note did you write down? Let's get to that and then I'm hanging up. Okay The f word you really can't say it and it's very difficult for me because And I'm very proud of this joke that I came up with that I jotted down I made it up while you were talking because I wasn't listening because that's what a good host does right Growing up. There's an expression. Uh, think yiddish dress british. Have you ever heard of that? No, I never heard it. Yeah, it's a it's a common phrase among My people think yiddish. Okay dress british and my father's best friend was my size Same exacts. I'm I just made this up. I but it's brilliant and I'm really proud of it And uh, very elegant. He had all his shirts monogrammed And when he died I got all his shirts and they were monogrammed and his name was fred anderson greenberg His name was fred anderson greenberg Yeah, and I now I have 25 oxford shirts Owned by and they're monogrammed owned by a guy named fred anderson greenberg Now I can't wear them anymore Uh Anyway, by the way, I'm laughing. I'm laughing. I don't want you to think I'm silent. I'm laughing. I'm enjoying the beat I'm more importantly. I'm enjoying you repeating it nine times to get the bigger laugh That's what I'm enjoying So we've been talking for the past seven hours with Jimmy Pardo He will be in philadelphia on the 22nd at helium doing a live version of never not funny And yes, I want to say it That's in the afternoon. That's an afternoon show and then uh, go ahead. You were about to plug the uh, Seattle one and you will be in belview April 13th Right at the parlor. Yes. Yeah the parlor live. That's a third. It's a thursday. That's an that's an evening never not funny Uh, say my my co-host Matt Belknap and I will be there doing a live never not funny The evening and then the 22nd is an afternoon show in philadelphia. And how do people get tickets? You know what, uh, I think there's a link on nevernotfunny.com To go to the various sites, but I think if You go to parlorlive Dot com maybe for the Seattle one or then helium Philadelphia They can google that and then brings it right to your to that website and if people want to donate to smile train Uh, again smile train dot org But if you want to go through the link on our page that lets them know that we sent you there There's a link right on uh, uh It sounds like we got a kickback or something I we don't just let them know that people are You know familiar with smile train because never not funny and kind of just let them know that the uh, Uh Relationship is working great. Hey, we could have gone six hours straight. I know that I know And you got a good when you come to LA you got to come back on our show. I got so such great response from that Thank you so much, buddy Uh, you bet and as I quote, uh, literally almost every show, uh, my favorite thing in the history of our show Is you saying we're having fun with words It's my favorite thing in the world All right, good night. Talk to you later. Okay. Thank you, sir Rhonda handsome is here And speaking of handsome Tom ryan you look absolutely ronda today. That's right That's great ronda. I need a haircut ronda full Ronda full. That's great. Let me introduce tom ryan first because he's been on the show before Oh, yes, I and I'd like to Beauty before age if you don't mind ronda. Oh absolutely. This is how it's gonna be I'm the old woman and round I'm the old one. I'm the old one Well, tom ryan is a hysterical stand-up comic. You've seen him on letterman. You've seen him on comedy central He is as good as it gets. There's nobody better. That's very nice of you. You're smart and clean And we're gonna talk about the facebook phenomenon with you and hopefully ronda will also Uh want to chime in on this. We're gonna talk about the kennedy assassination. You're cold Trump we never talk about trump on the show ronda. Thank god. Oh Twitter his career and getting organized. Yes. Those are some of the topics we're going to talk about And I haven't done a pre interview with ronda. So I don't know what you want to talk about ronda handsome Is a funny negro one funny negro. She is one funny negro according to my mother. Yes She told me ronda. You should go into comedy because you come from a long line of fools You have won a backstage bistro award You've been seen on louis saturday night live carolines comedy hour stand-up spotlight arsino hall evening at the improv show time at the apollo the jone river show You reviewed movies. I was a movie reviewer while she was doing her talk show here in new york city In the last century. Yes. Yes, and you've opened for anita baker diana ross aritha franklin wow Yeah, point of sisters That's what we have in common. I opened for aritha a few times as well one of the queen honors of my life Absolutely. Yeah, absolutely. Really? Yeah Four times I got to do four shows. Yeah She's fat. She was you know what I to mate I opened for her. Is that right? I opened for aritha. I was supposed to do 15 minutes And I did 45 I was not showing her any resb ect. Yeah, that's not that's great. That's not what me be And uh, london underground tv show you've entertained our troops in korea. Yeah. Yeah, I was there. I was there you Played bermuda in pretty women. Oh, that that was that was fabulous And was the first night the first night of shooting out there on sunset boulevard and you know, I have a career in Theater playing maids and on film hookers. So I always have the same dialogue. I'm coming. Yeah Yeah, that's great. That's fantastic Well, you are a social media dilettante. Yeah Yeah, my my life depends on on social media. Yeah, I I actually Just tweeted that I was going to be hanging out with you. Um, and you said it's either going to be a podcast or a race war Absolutely I'd like a race war if you want to know the truth. I got my knife with me And actually the The on facebook I put that we were going to sip red sweet wine sweet red wine and castigate slave masters So hopefully we'll get around to all of that But I I had to throw myself into into social media So anybody who's on twitter follow me because I I need uh, twits to read my twat Did I say that right? Yeah Where'd you grow up? I grew up in befford stuyvescent actually uh bedstuy do it die And you do have a brooklyn accent. Thank you Most people ask me if I'm from los angeles or someplace like that or the caribbean, but yes I am a brooklyn girl There's a hint of a is it like a hey brooklyn accent or no, it's just it's a different brooklyn accent It's not because people when I say i'm from brooklyn you don't go to these thems and hoes kind of thing, but Rich hall was on the show Last week. I worked with rich many times great guy and he lives in england and we were talking about dialects He says that in england you hold on to your dialect as a form of defiance And he also said this was really interesting. He said that Before radio and tv you could tell where somebody was from By the way, they played the fiddle Yeah, because i'm sure it it it evolved in its own distinct ways in different Little areas so you you could tell I got and then tv then everybody learns the same Best way to do it. I guess is what happens. Yeah, it's pretty interesting. I left my instrument at home Yeah, I don't I've studied dialects, you know, I've for acting classes and I can do the transitions I know, you know the f becomes the v Yeah, if you want to be german the f becomes the p if filipino, but there are people who really study dialects You're from philadelphia fully. Oh, yeah Fully I've talked about that on stage sometimes about I'll go back home and pick it up But I I grew up about a mile outside of the city, but as I would take the bus into school All of a sudden. Oh, yeah Where are you from out there? I've been up there. I've been up there. Oh, yeah Hey, that's uh, is that a donut? You want a donut? That tastes like a donut donut In one in one and and To this day I will Occasionally a little hint of a word and people say are you from philadelphia? And I never had a heavy accent, but there are a few words in there that are a giveaway And then baltimore is different and then pittsburgh is different and then obviously new york and boston is you could study those five And there and all you need to know about How language evolves and whatnot rick overton we should call rick overton And just beg him to do the bid for us, which is the he has An explanation Of the history of america through dialects He'll go over the map of the united states and explain the dialects. It's a rick overton. He's great Well, you know brooklyn is really a melting pot and the one the the dialect that sticks out to me is uh The one that I I heard the most is um Quiet down in here. Who's ringing that bell? I'm no chambermaid, you know, I'm a registered nurse Bedpan you want a bedpan catch it. Yeah That's great. Yeah my oh my godmothers were from the caribbean Yeah, so you know growing up in brooklyn. That's the the main one I was exposed to and then my mother's people are all from alabama from from the deep deep south And uh, my grandmother used to take up her station at the sink and yeah, I'm just gonna wash these few things You never know when you need these paper plates again If if people at people out there listening, uh, check out YouTube tim wilson the late great tim wilson. Did you know him at all? One of my favorite comedians. I didn't know that he died southern comic died a couple years ago Had some amazing songwriting abilities in addition to his stand-up he did a bit about He broke down southern accents Into about eight different categories and just zips through them Absolutely hilarious He had a heart attack a couple years ago. Was he in peggy suit got married? I don't even know who played biff Tom tom wilson In in back to the future. Yeah, that's tom wilson tim wilson real heavy southern action. Yeah, yeah really really funny Oh, okay. Um, not that i'm Yeah, of course. Yeah, happy bit one of the best and he does a great breakdown And he's from columbus george And and then he he goes through alabama south carolina northern florida and all the different southern and it's just Not only hilarious but a a fascinating bit that he had that good of an ear For dialects and accents aren't those nuances being erased out of yes, I think so society It's mainstream standard american english probably I think is what's happening, right? It's too bad, but I pronounce words really weird because my father is from the south bronx Okay, and fell in love with my mother because she was from cleveland He was she didn't have a bronx accent So growing up I heard I grew up and I was born in brooklyn and raised in jersey I heard The new york accent and my father was obsessed With my speaking like I was from cleveland So And I don't watch a lot of television. So when I oh, I envy you so when I say a word I give it the weirdest pronunciation and it's not an accent It's just me trying to figure out How to say it because I don't I have a weird I don't even know what my accent is I wouldn't know it. I wouldn't know how to pin you down on an accent. It's a self-hating new yorker. There you go I think that's what it is. I think it's a guy trying to sound Like he's from cleveland to make my dad like yeah Native new yorkers are are fantastic people the only people that I know who speak french and yiddish in the same No, I'm serious. I went up to the upper west side to visit my friends the poor ellipshits and I I pressed the buzzer name the poor ellipshits. You know her I pressed the buzzer. I said it's ronda ronda handsome. She said oh the schwarzer entre vous She swears she lives on the upper west side that bitch lives in harlem That's great How bad a word like I won't even say how bad a word is The yiddish for black Well, um, I heard it the first time I got in the elevator of my mother-in-law's apartment building in coney island I got on the elevator and I heard it and I knew it was not a good word And from then on I had a good line for my act Yeah, you got it to me to me. It's it's fascinating because growing up that word Suddenly became something you weren't allowed to say And I think it has something to do with tension Between blacks and jews. Well see it now. I wasn't raised like that I was raised that blacks and jews had an affinity for each other that we that we got together We we actually belong to organizations brotherhood or in fact, I belong to the national conference of christians and jews That's that's one of the organizations. I grew up with and um, and that there was also that relationship between blacks and port-a-reacons and somewhere along the line I don't know where these divisions came in but My experience was that we were um We were together with each other. So, you know, we we at least we had the slavery in Yeah, yeah the jews ran the trade I'm kidding Do you mind if I pursue this? Oh keep going. I'm this is great. I'll tell you what's interesting Something happened and I think I know what happened divide and conquer I I don't believe in conspiracies, but I do believe people do things to the country and I do know that The jews and the blacks, I believe the NAACP was an offshoot of The anti-defamation league or there were jews involved. There were yeah This and the and the civil rights movement You know, surmar cheney were The jews went down that whole thing. Well, let's be real. We all know that jews have only been white for the past 60 years So Right But something happened when reagan became president suddenly these What we're I was told these long simmering Tensions between blacks and jews boiled over when reagan became president And I can't help but think That that's how they divide and conquer the 99 the 99 percent You divide and conquer the 99 percent by pitting Puerto Ricans against blacks and jews against blacks and Yeah, they'll find one story in the news and decide how far to run with it any given story can be taken And exploited As far as you want it to go to raising tensions. Yeah You know who's Incredibly great at at doing that sifting the entire country's news Finding something that knows what weak spot it'll hit drudge And the way he writes his headlines Plays into all those divisions your right divisions And and everybody says oh he he he doesn't write the news. No, he sifts and he writes the headlines perfectly And it it's it's out of control So you're so but anyway, then the reagan doing the speech in philadelphia mississippi of right also What a You know a wink that was explain that explain that please When he first announced his candidacy One of the first speeches he gave was in philadelphia mississippi and he talked about states rights I mean what more right of uh as the phrase goes the dog whistle obviously, but uh philadelphia mississippi was the home of The clu-clox clan and sherman wasn't it weird sherman cheney? Some of the civil rights workers were killed. Yeah, so it was so obvious Body's just Yeah littering The mississippi so yeah, you're you're you're people know how to do it. They know how to find the the cracks And run with them and and you know, I think it's almost impossible, especially now with so much Information coming at us. It's almost impossible to keep straight and and and have your own personal filtering system So that you don't succumb to to something like that And it it has become that way because You were talking about twitter like we're We're so convinced that well They're in such a bubble over there But I create my own bubble too without question I I tailor my twitter feed to my personal beliefs and all that and well you do that But also the platforms themselves. I think have some kind of uh funneling that that they do Can I get back to what you just said because it's really Simmering inside of me. Uh-huh about drudge because I didn't I gotta I gotta unpack that first. Yeah So you're saying that Fox even cnn drudge, but especially drudge Well, they start their morning. They look at what's going on in the world and they say How do I take this story? And frame it to keep the argument going absolutely Well, the the the time when it really was crystal clear to me of that happening was uh I live in queens. I'm out in queens Hurricane sandy comes by there's a story about a few gunshots going off in Uh, where is it at Howard beach where the fires were happening? I think that's when the fires were a few gunfire gunshots go off Drudges headline Queens descends into chaos Hmm now i'm sitting there in queens going fine here This is a burrow of over a million people. There were a couple gunshots. Maybe somebody there's a hurricane coming They're out bang bang into the air or whatever just doing it because It's a chaotic situation Then you start reading the comments New york, of course new york, there are animals that you know all that's and and then You click on i've said for years click on any story on drudge Don't read the story go to the comment section and there's your That's that's our country. I mean that's how You know you read the comment sections and then it's it's even gone further Uh with breitbart So breitbart took the But drudge is the the number one online news source for I think for our country Yeah, but it's number one Really? Yeah for for the jumping off point for where people get their online news drudge Right and and I I want to stay with us for a second Because I've been having trouble trouble following the news In the past two weeks. I start reading what's going on And I can't figure out if i'm depressed or what's going, you know, I i'm really forcing myself To follow what's going on right and I Talked to somebody and he says to me Boy, that's susan rice really messed up and She's going to get into a lot of trouble over this election thing And I I go, huh, right? I right wait what happened to the russians Stealing our election. No, no, no it's about obama Uh Pulling a watergate and tapping the phones My man on obama Yeah So I I I apologize for just staying on this for too long because I know people like to skip Around but I really want to focus on this for my own Well-being because what you said is really interesting to me I don't believe in conspiracies right But I do believe that a form of control Exists and that the way they control us is to keep the fight going Right there is a a problem of russian hacking We can't really discuss that Because that would require months of investigations That would require understanding who vladimir putin is that would require understanding how Computers work and the news media then would have to actually do their job and explain things to us And call the premise of our nation into question as in Do we really well investigative journalism is is almost Right almost. Yeah, it sure is what they're doing Somebody like trump consciously you're saying Looks for the division Looks for the Where's the distraction? Where's the shiny object in the story? So we don't have to cover it genius at deflection Absolutely and his um base his base is with him and I do have to I have to acknowledge I do have a bias against the 53 percent bishops who who voted for him. I I have it in for them I hear you and uh and It's astounding anything that he throws out to deflect They will hold on to it for dear life and and to me it's kind of frightening. Yeah Once they found The susan rice angle All of a sudden everybody's on it. All right, let me play it doesn't make any sense because she was she was doing her job Right, let me play the devil's advocate because that's helps me Understand what's going on Don't you think obama was a bigger threat to our democracy than the latimer putin in that He was tapping The phones. I mean he was tapping andrew andrew, you know murkels phones and Don't you think that homegrown? Surveillance state is more of a threat to us than putin I think homegrown surveillance is a nightmare I do think that we are surveilled. We're surveilled by lamp posts and and our refrigerators and and everything What some of these agencies have to do Is look out for our protection In that and that's the job that I want I want to see done Don't you think susan rice who I don't trust because she went on after bangazi and Right And now she's the national security advisor because she couldn't be made secretary of state because she wouldn't get Approved because nobody trusts her right? She was the national security advisor. She was tapping phones Well, there are some things that she can only do because she has been made aware of them And in support of her doing her job. I'm going to say no. I I I am not against I'm not against her. I am not against her Yeah, I don't know. Uh, I know that the The creation of the department of homeland security and I hate that Homeland This is such a one of those The homeland yeah tomorrow belongs to but that that became a huge Uh umbrella that gave them a lot of They greenlit a lot of things that would not have been greenlit maybe 30 years ago And they have the technology now so they've just run with it Now you take somebody like obama comes in These They're already up and running so how much How much energy can he put into? I'm not necessarily defending him. I kind of been defending how much energy can he put into shutting down all those things I I don't I really honestly don't know where I stand on the Uh The nsa and all you know like I don't I don't like it But what I I resent is is trump acting like he's somebody special. We're all under surveillance in this country Yeah, and uh, and I've and if they had all of this information On him then I'm really pissed off at at the obama administration for not doing something about it earlier That's that's where I would be upset. Absolutely. And and I I follow Twitter obsessively every day Looking for that big I've never been more ready for a smoking gun I so I wake up in the morning. First thing I check is the news and twitter Come on. Where's the smoking gun? I you know, we can't handle another day of this. They're never going to give you one I mean, they're never you those days are over I just that and parry mason They I did it I confess that doesn't exist And it didn't even exist in watergate. They're they called something a smoking gun But you can Move the bar and keep moving the bar. Yes, and as somebody said on twitter He's gonna be hard to pin down because he is a master trump a master at smoking mirrors and that's what he is that's He's almost that's his skill is smoking mirrors. It's how he made his money And if you're good at smoking mirrors, you can take that a long way And that particular skill of his is what's going to keep me always denying him his legitimacy. Yeah, I hear you I mean, I just I wake up every morning The first thought is oh, that's right That's how and I by the way on november 8th I got rid of my tv for about three months And I also stopped going to all those sites like drudge bright part When stuff started going against trump I started I I I took my backup tv and hooked that up I'm back into cable news and all that and now i'm back on to Just checking in on drudge just to see what they're up to it's a comp it the bubbles have Uh separated and crystallized even more absolutely because over there I'll do this in the morning to watch morning joe Or cnn and then I go I wonder what's happening just out of curiosity I can handle about two minutes a week of fox and friends just out of curiosity the other day flick over They're talking about susan rice and still ben gazi Still talking about ben gazi and you just go wait a minute over here. It's all russian 24 hours a day of russian over here It's not and and absolutely convinced that hillary and obama Online and even on fox they're going to jail That's what the other bubble is absolutely convinced that obama and hillary are going to jail And we're kind of convinced that trump is going to jail. Well, i'm still waiting for the tax returns this audit 20-year audit that's been going on and Until I see that i'm not listening to anything he has to say with a great assault. I hear you let's let's move on Because I other things I wanted to ask you guys The one thing with trump is before we leave is There will be no smoking gun until he is no longer a useful idiot He is a useful idiot right now to Those people sure when he and you can continue To break every law in the book as long as the people who Put you there are getting what they want what they want I couldn't believe that some congresswoman compared his trumps over 500 conflict of interest to Carter's peanut farm I know it was ridiculous. You can't compare peanuts to plutocracy. I know it's ridiculous I I tweeted this out. Yes, that's too platonic. Yeah, right. That's pretty much the evolution of the executive branch. Absolutely Though I tweeted out yesterday that uh mara logo has an emoluments room Nothing I'm gonna follow you In fact, i'm at i'm too shy of right now by the time this airs I might be over but i'm too shy of a thousand followers finally after five years. I'm so jealous What is your handle at comedian tom ryan? Everybody follows that's nice comedian tom ryan and I have another one at rush through time Oh, which is where my political uh kind of but I mix and match. Oh you're multitasking that twitter Yeah, I used one to try to promote a cd that didn't go anywhere and uh, you know But now you're at at ronda handsome on on twitter Okay, I'll follow you. Do you find there's justice on twitter? I don't find justice on twitter. It's it really is You look for justice any place What are you a mad man? No, I'm a white. I'm a white male. I'm a white male. Excuse me. I uh, I sit corrected ladies and gentlemen You have a pretty good following right? How many do you have? I I don't know close to 10. Okay. That's pretty good 10 people 10 people But I don't find justice as somebody who Can drive in any part of america and not have to worry about being pulled over by a cop. I expect justice and I don't find ronda. I don't find justice On twitter and it's when I sit in the cafe in brooklyn With my goatee right gentrifying I complained about my twitter followers I can't find any justice. No, and I say no justice. No peace. I I don't think it's fair That I write a joke on twitter that I could get on a tv show And it gets no retweets nothing And then you know be on say Yep, or kendall Jenner will say remember to breathe And Wait a minute. I I you gotta be honest about this. Have you tried nudes? Nude posting nudes of yourself. That'll do it. Oh, okay. That'll do David now you're talking David Feldman needs a sex tape. That's that's what the whole point of this podcast sign me up for it There you go You know we're doing an album of me live When when well, we're putting it together And then we're gonna launch it around Thanksgiving Oh, great. So we're putting out little pieces of it every month about 10 minutes and it's called pay what you want, right? Great. I love the possible artwork for that this Oh, you saw a very sexy man with his uh abdomen exposed and his uh his slacks undone That's that's why I brought it up. This is exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah, so you said show nudes on twitter So got my attention the first 10 minutes are up right now And we made some artwork for the first 10 minutes You go to my website and you hit the banner and it's pay what you want and you literally pay what you want And you'll hear 10 minutes right then in November the whole album will be up and it's being called pay what you want So the first album artwork that we used Was about a hundred cluster bombs being dropped from an airplane Okay, uh-huh not Really nice imagery. Uh, no, no Bombing is not a good image for comedy Yeah, but it's I thought it was being self-deprecating. Yeah, and it was a pun right and somebody pointed out Yes, but you know, there's a story to those cluster bombs. That's not pretty You should take it down Now we're putting up new album art and we're going to keep doing it and ask the audience to chime and one of The things we put up this week is an actual male model from australia leaned up against some tires In a wife beater and his pants Unbuckled it's very provocative revealing his six-pack his abdomen And it looks like he's been filleting men for money Out by the tires Right if you look at I I well, you know, I hadn't gone there, but And I put they superimpose your head on it. No, that's him. Oh, okay I have not seen this young man there. He's a he's a professional male model. Yeah, he looks like it Yeah, and I I was told this guy is one of the top models. He's got long hair. He's unshaven I don't find him sexy But you found that's a relief. Okay. Yeah. Oh, yes. I did find him. Yes. Yes moist made me moist But what was it? That's not easy to do We'll see there there are people out there who will look at the cluster bomb cover and then I'll make them So Oh So I looked at They showed me this male model And I said really He's sexy Out by the tires. Yeah, is it is it the context? I'm But but what's sexy is it's such a chemical thing it really is, you know You know, your eyes connect with something your your senses your senses connect You know, even smell sometimes can be, you know, a strong sensual Awakening but you know some it just depends on what What tricks over your your hormones and he's a good trick Is it well, let me ask you because there are four as I see it four parts to him He's leaned up against these now see I never even noticed the tires You're you're focused on the tires I never noticed but I said cool Couldn't be just random tires Look at the way his pants are undone Are those are those fire stones? Are those yeah, they're all weather radials Yeah, he's leaned up against these tires with his pants unbuckled You know, you could you could show it on primetime television Well, that's what I liked it was it was provocative without being gross and that's my kind of thing His pants are either undone And about to come off or he's and he's such such a coquette and coyly holding up his his undershirt You know to to expose that that fine abdomen So I look at that picture and I want to know what you think I see the tires I see a guy Who's In you know rough trade Yeah, I'm seeing it like a guy who does things out by the tires Behind the garage Well, you know, I I see a guy who who knows how to handle things in a clutch. That's uh, I see a guy Who's brother owns a garage? He doesn't want to work. So he does things out So behind the garage for men He does things Now see, I I understand how you look at him, but you you are actually projecting this to an audience now Now the now what's the demographic that that you're looking for the name of the show is called pay what you want Yeah, okay, and the advertiser had a certain obviously what they were going for in in mind and uh Who knows what they were thinking with the tires and all that who knows Well, I I think they they are right on spot. They're right on spot with that. Okay. So let me ask you a question ronda I don't get out much, but he has Six pack abs Yeah, sexy Absolutely All right, I'm getting moist Strong arms. Yeah, he's he he has that kind of uh, as you mentioned a little rough But in disheveled, but he he has a cum hither pose that uh, long hair. I find a luring long hair Unkempt unshaven. Yeah, it looks Looks sweaty like he might smell of cigarettes beer I think he smells of another man's aftershave See, I think you should based on what they pay they get a different cover I want a different cover I like that and you don't you don't reveal the cover until they pay And you and if they pay two bucks you give them a horrible cover and they'll hey come on Keep pan you'll get a better cover. You'll get a better cover One of the things I want to talk about is this because it's all about image And I often wonder if I use that guy Because this is a podcast Nobody knows what I look like right What would happen? I love your dress by the way. Thank you I still Fit into my wedding dress and I figure why it was the happiest day of my life Why not wear it all the time? That's right So I thought okay, what would happen if I Decided to look different like I thought this guy out by the time I'm this guy out by the tires and I convinced the listeners That's what I look like And then I thought You know A lot of people know what I look like But I think They'd go along with the fantasy that I was this guy that I could build the second half of my career off of Created an image a fantasy. Yeah And if I said to ronda You found that guy Really hot right? Who do you think would be more Interesting to talk to him or me Oh, we're not talking about Now have you thought of doing a You should do the you should Do another cover Of you in that exact That'd be great that I would my side. I would you know what the spare tires would be I'd be wearing them There'd be no time right Well Yeah, I mean So you're saying because I I've been told that women find Bright men funny men attractive, but ronda you're saying otherwise. No, no, no, he's attractive But but but if it's supposed he's stupid Oh, a lot of these cute guys But that's just my experience. I'm not disparaging anyone in the room Right. He may or may not be because that is a stereotype that we pin on so many people that he's stupid Yeah, I mean it does tend to go in that direction. Would you do it? Oh wait a second if you could earn a living standing in tires behind a Just off of looks if I could earn a living off it would you do that in a heartbeat Absolutely, you would be hey, that's the guy who with the pants undone by the time I mean, you know If I had model looks I would I would probably Uh I would investigate Becoming a model and you would want your image on a bus just plastered, you know, I'm a subway I mean imagine if you're in your 20s And you can make a few million dollars by doing Is that what people people say At the right level you you do your hard work make a lot of money and just suck that away just suck that money Yeah, and and just retire as 30. Absolutely Then get in the comedy Rhonda. Yes, darling Yes, my dear. You're an actress. Yes. Yes. It is very conceivable That one day your face Yes, could be a thousand times bigger On a billboard Thank god you didn't say my ass. All right Let me finish So you're living in new york And one day Your sitcom Is on cbs And your face is literally Plastic wrapped Over a bus that is conceivable. I'm listening and your face your body Takes up half a bus. Uh-huh. Would you be okay with that? I'm already mentally prepared for uh mustaches and dicks to be drawn in on it. Yes Absolutely Absolutely, and you wouldn't find that to be a violation Oh, well, I I have been violated in the past I'm sorry We we we need a we need a better waiting room But it is it is funny that Uh We all know people that we see On buses I walking down here. I saw a jim gaffigan Yeah Display and it's uh, there's you know somebody you work with Up on billboards and and any number of people that we work with billboards. It's funny buses. Is it degrading? Because I think I think jim gets off on the degradation of that. Oh, and this was just a normal. Hey Netflix special. I think he finds that funny To be on a bus. Yeah. Yeah, sure. I mean, I mean there's a uh There there is a He knows how to play with his image. No doubt about it. You know I think the the real violation is when you don't know That this is just part of the the scheme to get eyeballs on your special or seats You know filled with butts, you know, that's the only the real the real violation if you don't have a A control and have a grip on what it actually means if you let it go to your ego and Right blow your mind. Right. Then you're in trouble. Right. What does this all mean? Why is this happening? I'm special. Yeah. Yeah, you know not that The alternative is like, oh my god, there's gonna be another bus coming with somebody else Yes Every five minutes And then you know, do you ever have those moments where you just I this happens to me the last few years where I I've been pursuing this comedy thing for 30 years now, right? Coming up on 31 years. Congratulations. Well, thank you And and is that something that But celebrate I'm gonna punch you out. No, I mean that's the question that I had I I'm 57 now and and I know something a congrats. I congratulate you for being 57 No, but it's like this is what you ended up doing with your life You did that like you had a whole life. It's what life is to you. You didn't do it, but you pursued comedy I mean, that's that I just had that the other day. I go. What what were you thinking? Like sometimes I have these major doubts about that's what you ended up doing There were so many other ways to Make the world better this and that but you chose this I did and now just sometimes Uh, you just go What was I thinking? Every once in a while every once in a while when a plumber is like elbow deep and shit I'm sure he thinks the same. Oh, yeah. Yeah, but I I'm sorry. Um, I'm going to hold up our profession because yeah, I mean, I I love comedy I love it. But but but uh I do have doubts about it sometimes like so that's what you chose Hmm, that's good. I didn't choose it. Stop saying that you didn't choose it. I mean, what choices did you have? I did say white male. I uh The world was your voice What we were watching did what what choice did this man have as a white heterosexual male Growing up in the 70s. Yeah, he chose to be a comedian. That's all I had. He didn't choose it comedy It's because the only way out of The suburbs The only way out of the suburbs. It's the only way out. I had no choice It was horrible. They were wiffle ball fields everywhere You don't understand yeah, what could you this is just beyond you you don't know what it's like You have no idea. We were talking about the facebook phenomenon before the show started. Yeah I keep hearing this over and over again that And it's true people only present what they want you to see on facebook Well, what absolutely why put something crappy about yourself up there? So we're all kind of Branding ourselves. Yeah, is it that really is it and when I first heard this when I came into A social media. I went to a class and they they asked me, you know, what's your brand and I said, uh, maulboro I don't know And uh, that is what it's about. It's about branding and facebook is Putting a billboard on your virtual lawn and you know every six or seven minutes You change the billboard that says pay attention to me Pay attention to me. I'm great. I'm beautiful. I'm gorgeous and look what I had for lunch It's so branding is it evil I maintain that it is more evil than not evil Uh, but I mean take facebook out of the equation We're all putting our best foot forward at most times You go back to high school how conscious we all were about Getting the right clothes looking the right way for to fit in your business different because back then people Could see through you. You are really controlling your image on facebook. Everybody is controlling their image You're in a bubble and you're controlling how people perceive you in high school You buy nice clothes but You still get your head stuck in the toilet. Yeah, and then you still have to interact with people In real time And you can't airbrush the clothes the hand might not be right. That's true. But now you say it's evil. I'm not quite sure exactly What part of it is is evil that you can't photoshop or you can't airbrush or that it's only the best part of yourself that you're put What what essentially is the the deceptive nature of it? Is that what you mean? You're as bad as the people pushing coke. Uh-huh. You're pushing an image Either consciously or subconsciously you're selling yourself to yourself and others you're saying this is This is who I am. These are my virtues. This is what I believe But I won't Well, uh, well, I I don't have a problem with that aspect of saying this is who I am This is who I want you to think I am. This is how much I want you to admire and bend down and worship me Uh, this what I what I uh Object to you know, I know years ago. I used to spend time in kinkos I'd be there at three o'clock in the morning making up flyers come see me at 88s. I'm Don't tell mama, you know And this is uh that same thing that same cutting and pasting talking, you know getting the picture together but it's on steroids and um, you know for unfortunately it it is a A wave of our our communication now. It is one of the the major parts of communication for old people Okay, you and I meet we fall in love on facebook. Oh my god Hang on time for one second. Sure. Or you can get where you would tom you and I fall in love And you were I'm desperate. I'll meet you out by the tires I'll bring the tires I'll watch I hope I hope That somebody tonight is having sex And just as they're organizing they just the image of of me out by the tires I hope not you fall in love with me via facebook Oh, now this is the crazy count. This is crazy. No, I'm being serious No, but now people who do this and it's not just facebook people who fall in love online with people They have never really seen never really had a non virtual interaction with is just crazy No, I'm going to disagree. I'm now I'm going to defend facebook Okay Now I'm going to defend facebook you and I meet on facebook not Grinder where I'm always hanging out with the tires We fall in love on facebook we I've been presenting Myself to you and to everybody on facebook We strike up a conversation the comments section and then I look at your you slide into my dms. Yeah, I start DMing you. Okay Now we're going back and forth and as we're talking I'm looking at pictures and how you present yourself Okay And I fall in love with you. You're you're you're smart. You're funny You're brilliant and we meet and you present yourself at the starbucks Where we're meeting the same way you present yourself On facebook, right? I'm not done yet. Oh, okay I'm I'm almost coming And now we're in a relationship because Like tom said I I put my best foot forward You put your best foot forward you wore The clothes and you talked the way I thought you were going to do it on facebook But now we're dating And suddenly It's Another dimension. I'm saying the the other dimension. Yes, and I say to you Why can't you be the person I fell in love with facebook with on facebook, right? What's wrong with that What's wrong with you then saying you know what he's right He the same way a woman will wear certain clothes lingerie to bed Because that's what Tice is the man. What's wrong with you Then saying you know what david's right. He has this image of me on facebook I'm going to go back to my facebook profile and find out that will be the bible and I'll do everything off that The whole thing is crazy. Well, what's wrong with that? Then you have a bible to work off No, because that is virtual life It has almost nothing to do with real life 24 hours a day Listening to you chew with your mouth open or watching the dandruff fall out of your hair or or or you know I'm telling you but don't you think you you know, you want to take a shower now that all of Everything happening on facebook doesn't have anything to do but what's wrong with that being the what's wrong with that being the Thing upon which you base the real cause as a lot of marketing and advertising is set up It is fantasy. It is barely truthful. It is all enticement and getting you to act So that billboard that facebook was uh appropriate and it did its job in connecting us But then we got a face right once you meet in person. That's when the You know all butts are off. I just I you know what I'm now I've changed my mind I've decided that we're not using facebook properly because now i've changed my mind That you can actually build a relationship off facebook and if you stick to your profile I I posted pictures of my open refrigerator, which was like all chaos in there And I and I begged people to show me pictures of their their crazy refrigerator. Nobody. I got nothing on there Nothing at all But I say i'm going to be hanging out with you and all of my early friends come out of the fucking woodwork liking My posts Give me the numbers What am I number are you in a relationship right now? No, I am not. Are you in a relationship? Yeah, I am okay I'm not happy about it But suppose there was You know marriage is a contract. I'm going to stick with this. Yeah Marriage is a contract. It's an agreement right suppose your facebook profile is This is who I am. This is who i'm going to try to be This turns you on Occasionally i'm going to veer away from my facebook profile when you complain. I'll go back Okay, she likes I dress this way And I into this and that and cats and dogs sometimes that what you're saying is the person can end up becoming Closer to the uh the image that they've been posting on facebook all this time. Yeah, they will turn into a living But isn't life or they evolve into that? Yeah, you evolve into it Exactly. It's all I We're always but you're not ever going to be able to be airbrushed in life You are not going to be able to do that. I disagree. I had a successful marriage for about 25 years Me too Okay, and I and you know what I started lying to this woman When I first started going out with her. She said to me if you keep Being the devil's advocate and defending ronald reagan. I won't see you anymore And I remember thinking but that's fun to pretend ronald reagan. Okay, I I won't do that. Uh-huh even though nothing pleases me more than defending ronald reagan for shits and giggles But I love this woman. So I will no longer do that Uh compromise compromise compromise, you know, don't uh Don't do this, but I want to why I don't want you to okay. I'll stop doing that right. It's a lie in a way I'm lying to myself because I want to do that. Yeah But because I want her to like me I'll change Yeah, well, I'm the kind of person who would defend ronald reagan in other situations But don't you think that's what but but don't you think in order to have a relationship you It's an ongoing negotiation in a sense, you know, you're always negotiating I think yeah, I mean or just giving up and then at some point it it can't hold anymore Well, I think you know, that's that's the point of of compromise if you want to have the benefits of the intimacy the The connectedness the bonding. There are certain things that you are Willing to do happy to do will will resign yourself to doing and when you get to the point Where you feel like you have uh shaved yourself down to just about nothing. Well, then you reexamine those compromises Shaving yourself down to Okay I'm just getting a little hot I You've you've got I well, I don't know what you have to do I have to really keep a grip on on what the the real deal is in terms of in a relationship Well, of of who I really am, you know, despite whatever I'm posting on twitter or facebook and and especially in the relationship But is it but in a relationship? It's you you subsume the ego for the other person To varying degrees to varying degrees, but you're saying for the other person I subsumed the ego for my purposes I I have to always keep in mind that whatever I'm Tamping down or subsuming. I'm doing it because I want something else It's not for the other person because no if it if it's on the other person then it that's out in crazy land Really? You don't find that making somebody else happy You don't find you don't think that making another human being happy And doing things for another person is the ultimate In living No I'm mine. You don't think if you and I started seeing each other Right And I Totally subsumed my ego Let you chain me to the bed post You wore a dominatrix outfit. I did that in a movie and you punish me for everything that I've ever done Yes Don't you think I'd be subsuming my ego and serving you? A mistress You should see as you should Yeah, and you should see his facebook profile No, one thing I wanted to interject how is it possible for me personally I love twitter And I hate facebook I'm the other way around really I I do about five minutes a week on facebook and I like the intimacy two years ago. I got addicted to twitter. I mean i'm addicted to twitter Uh, I have uh, I haven't gotten that that far. Yeah, i'm new there I only go into facebook if somebody sends me a message And I have to go answer it and i'll scroll for a while And then I I got to get out of there. Well, what I what I don't like that is about twitter hate facebook All of social media is the amount of time that it demands from you That's really what I don't like the the lying or the billboard or or you know, whatever you're however you're presenting yourself I'm I'm fine with all of that You know moving around but it's just the amount of time because I go on to answer one thing And then suddenly it's going but look at this and look at this and suddenly, you know I'm watching an octopus fucking a dolphin and I'm you know, and the next thing I read is a death notice And my mind is like I got off on an octopus tangent the other day and i'm not kidding off on youtube octopus videos You know, you get on the one then you're off on a million others That's where the control is because Unless I consciously say I I'm leaving this and then what do I do? I leave facebook and then go to twitter and i'm I think I need you know to step back. It's for me. It's the time for me It's the amount of time So so what you want to do is you want to go on to facebook You want to lie and then you want to live the lie in real life. I think that's what our existence is I think we live You just moaned I I think i'm devoid of real emotions. I'm a borderline personality I talked to I talked to a shrink a couple times a week who Feeds me emotions the proper emotions and then I'm overly polite in real life And i'm acting at what a real human being does And occasionally I snap And kill small children Well your textbook your textbook you're uh, you're on your way to a great career in uh, politics And a crumbling country somewhere. Have you ever asked people How am I supposed to feel about this? Have you ever done that? No, have you ever said to somebody or shrink? How what is a normal person? Think and feel about this I think there's a lot of danger in in asking that question. How should I feel about this about any given situation? Yeah, like you know where you because I find myself rationalizing so much bad behavior away in other people That I become a punching bag And so I find like lose your kind of your compass so to speak you you you don't even know how you should feel about Any given situation that you read about in the news or whatever. I am I'll tell you how I am a sociopath I Will not raise my voice get angry And then a bill collector will call me For the wrong way, you know, I do pay my bills right bill collector will call me and then it's game on game on Yeah, and they go, oh man. I'm gonna get this guy. So you don't direct your ire at the person who generated it No, there's this is a bill collector. He's made a mistake. I'm gonna I'm going to now Rob him of time Is a thousand miles away. Here we go. You can finally let it rip. Yeah with no consequences and it's sociopathic behavior I will do that because Like I'll do the slow talker with a bill collector. I'll go. Yes, I Will call you back And my shrink will go. Why are you doing that? And I said because he's a bully And I can get away with it. Yeah, he's probably You know Well, I sort of understand that because sometimes when I when I get those Those kind of calls that I have thought I put myself on a list not to receive I start talking about my underwear. So yeah, I I send such a nasty email to Hewlett Packard one time over a computer issue. You know how computer issues specifically Can send you into a raid it isn't right. I mean a rage where I want to start smashing Electronic devices in the walls that kind of thing. I want to smash that's why the genius of Steve Jobs I started buying Apple products about 15 years ago because I would They would laugh at me and I know that they trained The people at Apple To laugh at your jokes. No, no when I started going You know, you sold me this thing and you promised me that Microsoft Word would work on it But you know, you've conspired with bill gates. Yeah, so I have to buy two versions of Microsoft and they would go And I go really this is fun That's great. Go ahead. I'm sorry. Oh no, no problem, but I got a call from what I I'm pretty sure was their department their security department Uh, mr. Ryan. We're just checking in. Are you okay with that because it was such a vile, uh Just I spewed all this computer hatred to this one issue where To Hewlett Packard to their complaint division whatever it was And then I I yeah, I got a phone call if I remember correctly. It was a phone call not an email Well, they were they just checking in complaint or just your your state of g in I'm not gonna this guy's gonna go nuts on us We have a possible situation where he's gonna show up at Hewlett Packard headquarters with weapons reach that level And I think they're probably they have a corporate security department that must just hey There's probably in order to prevent these kinds of incidents from happening We really should maybe occasionally call someone Assess their level of and I'm not that angry of a person But when it comes to computers and things like that I want to smash walls. How dare they do that's a form of Control with that. Yeah, I mean Well, they're they're ink policies alone It's criminal It's criminal But you know on the on the other side I have I have had these long Involved conversations with tech support that have fulfilled me more than anything I received from my father What do you mean? Well, well Well, when you're on the phone for 45 minutes, I mean now most of the time you're you're texting or you're you know You're emailing, but I'm actually in a conversation the person told me to To unplug my My device and I had to get down on the floor and root around and all the wires, you know So I'm having and I'm going what would you hold on? I think I'm here for you Right And they're trying to make well, they're doing their best to appear like they're making my life your phone number in case We get disconnected. Yeah, daddy will not abandon you That's good. Yeah, daddy's here for you and and hopefully at the end of the conversation, you know, I could Turn things on we're cyborgs. We don't realize it, but we will I have felt that way for a long time that I do I do agree our moods are affected now. The singularity has happened. It's very gradual, but it's happened if you don't have your connection We can't function I don't even like that feeling when I've left my home and I'm halfway to the train station or someplace and I Touch a pocket or look at my bag and I don't see my phone and all of this physical stuff starts happening My throat gets dry. My heart starts beating and I got to start figuring out Do I have enough time to get back home and get my phone or am I going to be disconnected for the next two hours? It's crazy. It is have you I've talked about this on the show and let me just backtrack here because I want to justify staying on this Conversation and then we do have to wrap it up. Yeah Uh I've been doing the show since 2009 It was cute to talk about social media. Mm-hmm And it was almost a topic. I didn't want to address because anybody could talk about it just felt banal But now that it's a negative thing in our life. It's a problem It has to be discussed I Think that this show would not exist if it weren't for social media if I weren't able to connect especially on facebook There are little forums now that i'm part of where we're discussing the show and I I couldn't do this without the feedback that i'm getting from facebook You're entangled. Well, no, I it's a very valuable It's a it's an incredible tool. It's an it's an amazing tool for me because I If you really are passionate about this show You friend me on facebook. I don't have that many friends. I'm very selective. I am I I can tell People are just trying to make business connect. I only want my listeners to friend me And then I go I watch what they're talking about and I get ideas for the show I can't live without facebook twitter is a little harder for me because it's just Well, it's limiting. Yeah, but I use twitter The problem is I'm an addict I have I'm an addict. I have an addictive personality. I'm an alcoholic and I Don't drink and this fires up my brain. Yeah, and I've done the digital detox I've done the digital detox Where I'm So happy When I'm not connected. Yes, and I try to do it on friday nights And I can't last night if you want to know my mental health ladies and gentlemen Pay attention to my twitter and facebook feed Friday night If I'm posting on friday night My mental health is deteriorating. Oh, you're like trump tweeting on saturdays when uh, when his Ivanka's on a vacation Oh, yeah, yeah, that's what they say he goes nuts on saturdays With his tweets because there's nobody there to guide him and keep him To to filter what he's I was talking to maryl marco great episode by the way And we arrived at this great insight into why Ivanka trump is an orthodox jew And why is that? It's the only way she can get a day off Oh from daddy. Yeah. She doesn't love that putz jar jarred cushion. She doesn't want to be an orthodox jew She said what does it mean to be an orthodox jew? Well on saturday, you can't use a phone, but my father can't contact One seventh uh-huh peace. Yeah That's why she's an orthodox jew Anyway, I interrupted you. No, that's I don't know if I was saying anything but um That's good that you can do that A couple years ago. I decided I don't even fight it anymore. Mm-hmm in terms of internet addiction I don't even fight it I uh, I bow to it and I try to just take Carve out certain amount of time to to not do it and and not put The phone right on the table when I'm eating and right, um, but it's it's a challenge. Do you drink coffee? Yes, I do. Do you drink coffee? Yes I I view social media the way I view caffeine. I'm addicted to caffeine and when I limit my caffeine intake And I drink half And then pretty much get off caffeine For a day or two When I come back to the caffeine that much better adult. It's amazing. That is how I really want to treat social media But doesn't that give you more joy for caffeine and therefore increase the addiction? Yeah, or you can view it. You know, there's tantric social media. That's what I'm going to start That's my new cause Tantric social media And how are you going to do that? Using the squeeze technique and thinking about sting And out by the tires No, that's no, I'm gonna explode. No the point. You know, like tantric sex is where you don't Release you don't really you don't release and then you enjoy the uh, the the sensations and the the experience without going for a goal Mm-hmm. Okay. Bad example I'm gonna treat social media like caffeine. It can only be great If I go without it right Well, I know For a period of time. Yeah. Yeah Okay, let's plug what makes you happy with it When you come back to it Is it just being on there with people or seeing your your numbers increase or a dopamine? It just fires up the brain Why do you take days off from coffee? Well, I really don't but I try to okay Because yeah, I I I don't think I've gone I'll bet I haven't had a cough. I I'll bet I've had two coffee free days in the last 10 years. I would say Mm-hmm. I mean, it's just that's part of my life. I drink coffee every day. So I don't that's another one. I don't fight Resistances shoot up. Yeah, it really is on certain things. You just go okay. This is our new world and uh I'm not happy about it, but I'm living it. I'm in it and I'm I'm thankful That I hate facebook. I really do. I am actually thankful for that because I know How addicted other people are to it and I consider myself super lucky For whatever reason I just don't like facebook. I envy people who are not on social media. I really do. Yeah, they're heroic Okay, we got to wrap it up I know We have uh, there's a guy named nick name. We have no idea who nick name is He's not me. He is not me No He's smarter than I am There's a guy named nick name who has been Communicating with us via twitter and he follows sam cedar. He's got he follows Sort of right little people and he let jimmy door. Uh-huh. And he's really smart And he won't tell us who he is A smart guy. He is and I'm going this you know, I'm thinking right. Is it greg proups? Or is it bat nozzles? This guy is way too Right. Yeah, I wanted him to write for our show. Yeah, damn. So I I know And he knows too much He's too much Sure, it's not an ex-wife. No So As I'm listening I'm going what is nick name gonna Hang on for one second. Hang on for one second He what he's gonna send me in Haiti They would put Tires around people. You know that necklace thing. It's called necklace That that you put the tire on the person you set the tire on fire and right around their neck Right, and he's gonna send that to me He's gonna send me a video of that When papa doc was in charge And he's gonna send that to me on youtube Saying does this get you off does this remind you Of the model And then I and then he'll send me then he sends me The the baby elephant. Did you see that? No, I'm going he goes take a look at this I think I don't want to look at this. It's a baby elephant. This cannot be good But it's nickname. He's playing with me. It might be good and it's it's a five adult elephants Watching a baby elephant To make sure he doesn't fall down a well Remember baby jessica. Yeah, there's a well and this this little There's this like baby jessica elephant who just keeps going. Oh, there's a well And it's three. I'm getting the chills because I keep thinking I've watched it four times. It's just a group of Packarderms, is that what they're protecting the little one protect and they just Will not it's and the patience that they show This yes, we know this is a baby elephant and our baby here is going to always go towards the danger And we're not going to hit it. We're not going to spank it, but we're just going to keep and for three minutes It's just these elephants guiding this baby elephant away from the danger And I went damn you nickname. I don't know. I don't know what you're doing to me. Okay He's got a cool on you. I'm sorry, Alex. We have to wrap it up I think nick name is de keff david when he goes off the coffee goes into a trance and you're trolling yourself I know what nick name does to me is I don't know what he he sends me stuff or she sends me stuff and it's either A person being disemboweled or heartwarming plays you like a stride of various Tyler Durden Yeah, right Tyler from fight club fight club. Okay, raw. I accidentally calls you ronda rousey I'll punch you in the face. That's what I've been asking you to do all day Let's plug some gigs. Well, I want everybody to come out and see me at the cornelia street cafe So write down the number to make a reservation. It's two one two nine eight nine nine three one nine I'm there on thursday the 27th with the songwriter Dave canter who is the lead in dave's true story? We're going to be at the corner of comedy and song at the cornelia street cafe on the 27th. That's a thursday 6 p.m Two and two nine eight nine nine three one nine. Correct call for reservations spell handsome h a n S o m e that's like a handsome man without the d And you are playing comedy clubs all around the Broadway comedy club all all over. I'll be in pleasant Villet lucy's doing some storytelling. I'll be it. Don't tell mama just connect with me on facebook instagram tumblr or twitter and I will bombard you with information And you had a good time. Oh my god. This was fantastic. Yeah And I would like to borrow your dress. Well, thank you Yes, mistress always You made me wear it. It's funny and Tom ryan nothing to plot. No, I occasionally. Uh, I'm at the comic strip on occasion. Yes Check the calendar. I'm at the comic strip And twitter at comedian tom ryan Great. I'm following you. Yes. I'll follow you back. Hey My album pay what you want Go to david feldman show.com. I don't know what the album art this month is going to be but it'll be different Right now if you go right now, it's It's the guy You better peak my interest with the abs. I love that guy and by the way, we can also outsource album art Send me some album art The title is called pay what you want. Send me some album album art and we'll We'll play with it Medicare for all Resist Professor Cory Brett Schneider is back. He teaches constitutional law at brown university He writes for the new york times political npr and he joins us today I guess in new york city. I'm in new jersey today. Oh, okay, great across the river I'm right across the river and I am Apologizing to my listeners because I'm doing this in my sister's attic And we're hiding from homeland security All right, I knew things were bad, but I didn't really say it got that bad. I guess I need an attic too Keep it down. Keep it down a couple of things. We're going to talk about neil gorsuch who is now Filling Antonin Scalia's seat. We're going to talk about where we are with the travel ban And the senate rules have changed. Mitch mcconnell Has changed the filibuster rule, but first I need to talk to you about two things And it's not my divorce. It's not my divorce. I am a bad student Yeah, I always was a bad student. Yeah And I'm rebellious against authority figures and in my world you are the ultimate authority figure because You are incredibly educated you where did you go to undergrad? Pomona college, california east east of la terrific school. Yes, and then then you got your law degree. Where? At stanford law school And then you have like a phd too, right? I have a phd from princeton in politics and a masters of philosophy from cambridge university, which I was able to do thanks to pomona a lot of education All right, hang on for one second. So you have a masters Philosophy see you're pretty much Like this gorsuch dude, right yours. I have almost exactly the same Education and I know many of the same people and that's right. Okay. You took a different path, obviously All right, so I see you as an authority figure. Okay. I do My values the way I now i'm in new jersey. I'm going to see my mother today I'm in my sister's home and I was raised to have zero respect for like wilbur ross Or rex tillerson Because they're they're nothing. They're just businessmen. Okay, but you on the other hand Are royalty the way I was raised and how kind that's why I love talking to you I don't get that treatment anywhere else So and you're so like I'm gonna have dinner tonight with my mother and I'm gonna talk about you And she's going to say did you show him respect? He's an authority figure. Did you call him professor? Did you call him a doctor? This is the way I was raised right. I have a problem with authority figures And this is why I'm not a good student. You gave me an assignment. That's true. What was my assignment? I gave you you you actually said how about just one case? I could commit to one case to read and can you suggest one and I did and uh, I thought you'd read at least one Kind of low expectations. What was the what was the case? It was a case called lakumi about a ban on animal sacrifice in the town of florida In the town in florida hyalia Santoria Yes, the um, this the facts of the case are that the santeria Religion members of this religion in this town are practicing animal sacrifice And the town council has a Discussion about the practice and they decide together that this is as one of them puts it an abomination against the lord And that they're gonna ban the practice of animal sacrifice in this town And the santeria get very good attorneys who take the case all the way to the supreme court And they say that the town council has violated their rights to religious freedom the free exercise of religion under the first amendment Oh, I have an idea. I have an idea. I have an idea So I didn't read the case. Yeah, let's give my audience An assignment. Okay, my entire audience now Is going to get this assignment that i'm going to get and we're going to talk next week Okay, let's talk about this case next week. Where do I read this? Where can I find the decision? If you type in lakumi, um, and there are a number of websites that have for free supreme court cases So one way to do it would be to type in luk Sorry, I don't I have to get the spelling right While you're getting the spelling. I'm going to talk to my listeners. Okay. I do have it We we have a lot of listeners one of you Is probably gonna do this If somebody reads this court case with me the supreme court decision, I will send you Something in the mail if you email me and say, hey, david, I read the supreme court decision I'll send you something. I don't know what I have to send you because I think this might be a very interesting way to Force me to do my homework assignment. Okay. How do you spell it? So it's uh l u k Umi versus uh the city of hyalia and hyalia is h i a l e a h And then you there are a number of public sites that have these cases But the one that I recommend is if you just type in that name and then law dot cornell dot edu cornell law school Is affiliated with a group that puts supreme court cases online And if you like the site, you can donate to them as well. It's a really terrific service Great and to set the stage for this to entice my listeners and me What year did this decision come down? Okay. Well, now you could be me I just can't get any of this stuff wrong. Well, give me a decided 1993 june 11th It was june 11th and who wrote the decision to kennedy opinion Extremely interesting and important opinion by justice kennedy who right now, you know, one of the reasons we're reading this is It's relevant to the travel ban case and his opinion is going to be a Very very important part of how that case eventually comes down if it's decided by the supreme court So that's one of the reasons why I'm suggesting it is great. It really matters Great. In other words, they're going to look at lakumie As a as a precedent upon what they're going to base a decision on the travel ban That's right. And if you want to really understand the travel ban issues, this case is essential to it I think and the fact that it's written by justice kennedy just makes it all the more important for the for the upcoming case Is it well written? Yes. He's a terrific writer and I think he's Criticized by some because he he tends to like broader principles and and will consider You know, he's not a like a Scalia with a sort of cookie cutter theory of constitutional interpretation But many of his opinions in the areas for instance a free exercise This is a terrific one and most importantly in gay rights have really changed the way we think about these issues So I'm a fan great Since this is an introductory course to constitutional law Is there a structure to a supreme court decision? Let me let me explain what I mean by that question I always say if you want to study Shakespeare You know reach if you want to read Shakespeare find out what the story is first and just pay attention to the language because if you're trying to Suss out who is who and why is why you're going to get completely lost. It's another language Right for a layman. How do you approach reading a supreme court decision? Yeah, it's a I mean, this is a great question And it's the first thing actually that if you really want to understand These cases you have to learn and that's how to what's called brief a case And there's like a code that these things are written in and if you know the code It's very easy to understand them and decode them. What does brief the case mean? It's it's just what you said It's the sort of way that you decode what's going on in any court opinion And especially a supreme court opinion. In other words, it's brief brief. Yep brief meaning short quick Does the supreme court brief a case When they issue a ruling do they brief a case? There's sometimes in the reports are There's a summary up front But I'd recommend to listeners and anybody who wants to learn how to do this to just Read the opinion and I can just tell you the four simple steps that you have to take While you're reading it The first is to just in your head get clear on what the facts are And I did that for you just up front I told you the basics of what what happened who's suing who what law was passed who was arrested Just get the the story right. That's the first thing the facts The second which is crucial is to try to in one question try to sum up What's going on for the court? What the issue is is the way that Lawyers put it the legal issue and here I could just tell you up front The issue is whether the ordinance passed by the high leah town council violates the free exercise of religion In the first amendment so you would say Does the town council's ordinance violate the first amendment free exercise clause? That's a simple but crucial part to all of this The third part is if you want to know if you understood the case You have to be able to answer the issue question with a yes or no answer And so it's either yes or no And then the fourth part is to just say why why did they find what they did and if you could answer those four Do those four steps you're you're doing it. You know, you've got what's going on. Okay. Let's review that again, sir Sure. So the facts what happened Second the issue. What's the legal issue? How does the how did the facts connect to the constitution in our our case? Three the holding the answer to the issue, which is a yes or no answer And for the reasoning why did they find what what they did and I came up with a new monarch to review Okay, great. It's uh fat irish Hooker's read oh boy read that irish hooker's read. I thought this was going to be something I could use A foreign thing just threw me So fact something nicer for three uh for three fat irish Holsteins ruminate ruminate. Okay. What is a holstein? There's a cow, isn't it? Okay Oh, it's better still not okay with and they ruminate your show Fat irish Professor Fat irish holsteins ruminate because cows ruminate and so do judges Uh-huh. Uh-huh. Okay. Uh, I was thinking nice All right, so please professor, I'm trying to teach you here. You gotta keep it interesting Okay, so The facts of this case will be outlined in the decision is correct They'll usually start with just telling you what happened So there is a built-in structure the same way a pop song has a structure Yeah, a good supreme court decision will lead off with the facts Yep, then they will explain through the issues why it has reached the supreme court Yep, right and you could as you read the opinion if you print it out you could tag Facts you could either write it out or you could just tag it with these Initials, you know facts issue holding and when you find those Things you can plug in what what you're looking for and that just lets you know that you're you're understanding the opinion as you read us So I would say the most complicated Section is the issue because the issue would Talk about precedent the issue would as I understand it and I've read I've read a couple of decisions, but it's hard for me I would assume the issue part is Why it got to the supreme court And what and what and what the conflict was? There are different ways to do this You could complicate the issue But I think a good way in the beginning would be to keep the issue extremely simple and to just ask About what part of the constitution is an issue what textual part? We talk about a constitutional hook for instance. What part of the text is relevant here? This is like music. This really is like a song. Oh, yeah. Yeah It's so easy to learn this but you know costs a hundred thousand dollars to get people I think actually it's much more now right to go to law school and get this But you know, it's free here on the david feldman show The So I would keep it very simple. I would say for this case, for instance, you know, you just practice with a few cases Does the ordinance passed by the town council violate the first amendment free exercise clause? And that's just tying together the first amendment free exercise clause Is a part of the constitution the first amendment has this Reference to not prohibiting the free exercise of religion And we're just asking whether or not this local law the ordinance violates that clause And I think that keeps it very simple. You don't need to know a lot about past cases You don't need to know anything You just need to know what it says in the constitution and and what the law issue that that we're asking about You know in constitutional law the issue usually is about whether a part of the constitution Prohibits or conflicts with some more local state law or city law or you call up a law passed by congress And we want to know whether or not it's unconstitutional Just in case, you know, I am a dilettante And I may want to serve on the supreme court. You have a good chance. I think okay. Thank you with your divorce law Really advanced for the record your honor. I believe it was the professor who mentioned the divorce and You know i'm a writer I'm a comedy writer and a lot of I do I do a lot of ghost writing a lot of people give speeches and take credit for it I may be I some you know, I may get hired by You know, you could yeah gorsuch. He might call me up. He would say listen I want to write a funny supreme court ruling help me out here I think too, you know that moment when the justices get a funny line in there Talk about that. You could do that for people a huge sideline I mean Scalia like oh wow, he's so witty. I mean imagine a professional comedy writer that went to justices So if any of the nine are listening right now, David Feldman, David Feldman show I want to punch up a supreme court Ruling so did you do David the inculter roast? Was that yes? Yeah, I mean, that's pretty good credential. I think thank you If I were to be writing the A decision where would I under facts irish holding and ruling? Where do you bring up the history of the precedents and why it got to the supreme court? Is that it under facts? Is that under issue? I think you would probably bring it up Certainly in the reasoning because a lot of the way that legal reasoning works is to try to ask Did we have a past case that answered this? Issue already and so we'd want to know whether or not our argument for our Our result our holding Is close to past precedents and if you can show that then that's a huge part of the argument Great So you know the way the reasoning works and at the end in answering those first three things is is Do you have the law on your side and the more you can show? That your approach to the holding is is like a past case the better off you are I realize that there's a built-in structure to a supreme court decision Yes, and then I would assume some people play with this structure But you're accustomed to reading it a certain way Correct. I think law has progressed, you know beyond using lots of latin words that were meant to exclude people They're written in pretty plain language But you have to be able to develop the skill which again I really don't think is very hard of plugging the opinion into these different categories And if you can learn to do that it doesn't matter that they're not telling you you'll just naturally say Oh, that's when the you know the holding it's like I mean, I'm sure you know in your writing Writers of fiction and not Talk all the time about act one act two act three You just kind of get used to seeing it and this is very similar. What is iraq? It's just a form of legal writing Where the issue comes first so issue now you're really testing my memory of law school That it's putting the issue first so instead of Starting with serac I think is the another way of doing it which is the conclusion first So you would just you know do that second thing that we were talking about in a brief For instance, you know, you would try to argue your issue that I believe that the Highly out ordinance violates the first amendment free exercise clause that would be a way of putting the issue first By the way, that's a leaf blower in the background. Oh, I didn't hear it. Yes Putting the conclusion first that is the way I live my life I mean that's what that's why I got a divorce So is there a way of writing legal briefs? Will you start off with the conclusion? I think sometimes they do because you know, if you're What we're doing is or what a what an opinion is doing is just trying to lay out the answer And so starting slow and just saying or when we're writing Are these are like briefs for a reader of a case We're just trying to get what's going on in the opinion And so starting with the issue is a nice way of framing it But I guess if you're an advocate sometimes you want to start off with saying what you think the answer is rather than the other But these are just different ways of you know, organizing the same things, right? I'm not trying to be funny here. No, this is great. I in a marriage in a marriage I mean it when I say this costs, you know $200,000 and there's no reason why people who don't go to law school can't learn it too I mean, that's what it costs to get the credential and of course you develop skills in law school But I I do think that there's you know, no reason why everyone can't can't learn to understand this It's just the kind of basic part of legal literacy and learning to argue I think the the problem in a marriage. I'm being absolutely serious. I swear to you. I'm being serious. Okay We'll see There are some people who start a discussion or an argument or a fight By addressing the issues and they and they want to build to their conclusion And they tend to take a little journey that goes 40 minutes And you're sitting there waiting What is what is this? Okay. She's laying out a case Obviously, it's a case against me. I've done something wrong and there's there's involves the dog and the garbage and my mom jeans And I don't comb my hair plugs properly when I don't go to work and okay, there's we're building here But I what's the conclusion and 40 minutes in I say what is the conclusion here? As opposed to I want you to get out of the house Here is why Right that so there too that would be there would be the passive aggressive type who would build towards the conclusion and then there is the Aggressive let's deal with the truth cut to the bottom line I want you out of the house. Here's why here's why right? I'll you know, I I'm going to detour away from the previous fights with your wife back to the legal reasoning but Not that, you know Again, there it seemed like It's complicated things going on there in the legal reasoning I think the reason why a supreme court brief does what you're describing as the more meandering way is because the institution Is all about Reasoning not just about the conclusion and about laying out ways of thinking about Something as important as what we mean by free exercise of religion and religious freedom And so what to me is terrific about supreme court Case writing the decisions by the justices is that they really aren't just Conclusion based in the way you would get a politician for instance to do their their reason based and so the fact that they build To the conclusion is I think uh, you know kind of terrific part of that institution and so appreciate it the way you would It's like saying, you know, why do I have to hear the murder mystery? They like said have this set up stuff I just want to know who did it That would be awful You don't want to just know who did it. You want to, you know, see the story and kind of build to the Fantastic, fantastic. Thank you so much. Love it. It's a public service. It really is. It's fantastic And I for the record, you know, we've had I think four discussions plus the one on serious. I'm giving you at least a Maybe a slash a minus which for me is really really terrific grade. So I agree with you. I think this is our best I honestly think this is the best one we've done because I'm not pretending to know more than I do My last question on structure is the following. There is no supreme court decision or rarely Is there a supreme court decision that starts off with the conclusion? I don't have to think about it But no, I think they don't tend to just come out with it I think they tend to build to it in a way that is suggested To establish explain the facts explain the issue Explain the reasoning and then and then eventually to get towards what the what the details are and the nitty gritty Of the of the decision itself earlier in the show. I talk about bottom-lining issues Trump and his people Just want the brief the one sentence upfront What do I need to do here? Put it on an index card and I'll do it And there's more nuance and things are more complicated and you can't just press a button And fire a tomahawk missile at something and solve the problem. Oh, I couldn't agree with you more I mean one of the really worrying things about him is that there isn't reasoning at all I mean that part doesn't I've just never seen it. There are a lot of statements very brash and certainly conclusions and dictates and Sometimes imagery, but you know, where is the argument? Where is the reasoning? I haven't seen that ever and I'm Unfortunately Well, it's not that I suspect at this point. I'm convinced that he lacks the capability of doing it He has None of that kind of training that none of that kind of thought and the comparison with obama who was a constitutional Law professors. It's just depressing. We're gonna bleed now into the filibuster because of us. Sure Life is complicated Is it safe to say that our founding fathers the genius of the constitution is go slowly with everything time Will reveal most Of the issues and if you take your time Will come up with a better solution Is that is one of the core tenants of the constitution? I think so. I like that philosophy of why the document It certainly is a slow process. You need to even to pass a bill to go through two houses and to have the Signature of the president and then further review by the supreme court They contemplated that as well. So yeah, that is a slow process and the benefit of it I completely agree is that it induces a kind of thought into liberation now. Sometimes it can be too slow I think we have to admit, you know, the fact that we have so little social welfare reform and social welfare legislation is also a A problem with that system, but its benefit is that it also I think is masterful at fending off rash decisions Could an argument be made that and I apologize for the leaf blower in the background I'm not hearing it at all. Okay. So could an argument be made that if We wanted real Social reform and welfare reform We could get it but the american people just don't want it, which is why you need the filibuster Which is why you need 60 votes Isn't the filibuster important because you got to make sure you really really want this before we go ahead Well, I mean, I'll say this I certainly think that when it comes to supreme court justice nominees And it's possible that they could get rid of the legislative filibuster But but have capped the supreme court nominee Right to filibuster. I I think that's especially where they need to be deliberative. They need to think about Who the nominee is not just whether they're qualified the way many people said in the gorsuch case and certainly he was qualified But to think about the jurors prudence and whether they'll preserve basic rights of the constitution And should try to find nominees that aren't just being pushed through in partisan ways That's what the legislative filibuster did but now it's in the past. So it's I guess we're talking history How old is the the filibuster? I think it's a turn of the century. I can't give an exact date And did mcconnell get rid of is the filibuster now completely gone or is it just gone when it comes to supreme court justice? I think they just got rid of it for supreme court nominees But the the legislative filibuster for now remains. That's my understanding You believe this is a bad thing to get rid of the filibuster. I do. Yeah, I mean, I think that the You know the what we saw basically which were Significant portion of the senate enough that they were unable to get the 60 Saying, you know, we really don't have faith that this nominee is going to uphold the basic rights of the constitution and they worried as well about his approach to administrative law and There were just enough questions that this is such an important decisions That I think it was a shame frankly that they got rid of it and that they got rid of it Just really to push this person through But you know, that's what happens Would you put him in the same class as roberts? Because roberts no. Oh, I I think roberts. I I don't know. I might have voted for him had it been on had the chance He gave a masterful performance. He said a lot actually about his judicial philosophy He talked about the griswold case and how important it was to the structure of our constitution and the right of privacy I I really frankly didn't hear anything and he saved and he saved obama care. Yes. Yes. Oh, yeah Creatively, you know, you know We weren't wrong to think many of us that this wasn't a radical or an ideologue that he was in many ways pragmatic That he you know what he said in the hearings is that his philosophy was that He's not just an originalist or not a person who believes in the moral reading He looks clause by clause and thinks about the case law and I think in that case he really I You know, there are aspects of it that I certainly disagree with but the fact that he upheld the constitutionality of the requirement that people Purchase health care the mandate. I thought that was really important and in many ways a kind of masterful decision He made the argument for the solicitor general, right? Yeah, I said it was a you know He basically which I disagree with thought that there's no commerce power to enact that part of the legislation But I think he saw how important this piece of legislation was to the country And he thought hard about other constitutional sources for it And he argued that it was a in the opinion that it was a tax despite obama's claims to the country Right, right And that wasn't an ideological sort of thing to do I have to say the ideological thing to do or the Scalia like thing to do frankly Would have been to just strike it down on grounds that there was no Power to enact the legislation and that would have been a disaster for the country part of it was pragmatic I think he cares about the institution of the supreme court It's legitimacy and that would have been a serious mistake for the Justices to have just abolished the most important social welfare legislation of a generation So how much of the these supreme court decisions are decisions in search of a precedent Where you start off like oh my god, we have a healthcare crisis in this country obama care Is not great, but we need this we have to keep this Yeah, I'll come up with a reason we should make it constitutional Yeah, I mean ideally I think the justices don't decide anything that way They really try to work out the law and to think about things and purely from a from their legal perspective But I have to admit in that case. I don't think this there's that much pressure in many cases That it must have weighed on roberts in particular to think that if they struck this down You know, so many people were going to lose their healthcare It was going to interfere with this massive democratic process that went into it So the way I would put it is I don't think he just pulled that out of thin air I think it was a good legal argument actually that it was in fact attacks But I would say there was a lot of pressure on him to not just find it unconstitutional and to Be creative in his thinking and and he was I mean I applaud that decision So in a bubble he would probably rule against obama care He certainly thought that the main argument that the solicitor general in the obama administration gave for why it was Unconstitutional that there's a commerce power interstate commerce as has happened many times before that That's the basis for finding that there is a congressional power to pass that legislation He does not agree with that and he said that in the opinion So I what I think the pressure did is it made him be creative and it made him think about other sources and it It I guess brought to light the tax argument that hadn't been highlighted as much by the administration and It led him to that But I again, I don't think it was that he was just making it up or that it was a political decision solely I think it was a good legal basis To doing what there was pressure to do this takes me to the travel ban I have a couple of questions. I want to know where we are. I want to know where we are with the travel ban and then I want to Position it against The internment of the japanese is a carrot carrot. I can't pronounce it but karmatsu. Yeah That in a bubble during world war two I would assume the supreme court would have ruled Against rounding up Japanese and interning them in a bubble. I would I think that you could find Case law to say it's unconstitutional But because we were at war and everybody was terrified Roosevelt was allowed to do it So the times will dictate the decision Right Well, I mean to me that was an awful decision karmatsu is like You know, there are cases that have been decided by the supreme court that are I was going to say embarrassment that doesn't Get to it that are are really tragedies in the deepest sense And there is no reason why karmatsu should have come out the way that it did It was a really terrible terrible decision equivalent in my mind in many ways to dread scott another awful decision Denying former slaves the Right to even appear in court. It you know, it justified something that could not be justified Which was rounding up and interning japanese americans who pose no security threat to the united states So, you know, the pressure at the time and the circumstances Can serve as an explanation, but nothing can justify what what the supreme court did there or or the policy itself At the height of the war Was there any Complaint about the internment of the japanese? Well, there was the case. I mean, yeah, there were protests. There were other test cases I think there was one where a japanese american basically volunteered to be interned so that he could bring suit There is the karmatsu case itself and yes, there was litigation That civil liberties groups were bringing and that's why we, you know, know about the internment as a great constitutional issue that The supreme court failed to defend the rights of japanese americans They failed to do their job in the most basic way Was the war was the war going on when they issued that decision during the war or after the war Ah, yes during the war in 1944 Hmm So with the travel ban There's the constitutional issue and then there's the issue of how terrified this country is Yeah, I mean, that's, you know, look, that's part of the worry here is that awful constitutional Decisions get made because of the pressure sometimes of circumstances But I I don't know. I feel like here The lower courts have been so clear It's travel ban too Where does it stand like how many different courts have ruled on it? There are um, at least Now two appellate courts that are going to consider the matter the lowest in our federal system the lowest courts the trial courts are called the district court and In both on the west coast and then what's the district of the ninth circuit court of appeals? And in the appellate courts on the east coast in the fourth circuit district court judges and now the appellate court is going to consider it have Suggested that there's a substantial likelihood that the the ban is unconstitutional And now we're going to have at least two appellate courts weighing in on that matter next and there are briefs That are being filed in that case, including one that i'm working on about why the ban is unconstitutional How many circuit courts are there in the federal system 13 total so it's 11 plus the other two So if you are a lawyer and the president does something or congress does something you immediately take The case you challenge it before an appellate court. Is that correct? No great question It's one of the most famous cases in constitutional law is marbury versus madison Was about where you go first and you go to a trial court first And the idea is that in the trial court or in the u.s federal system What's called the district court? That's where they have the capacity to basically decide on what the facts are And they'll make an initial ruling about the law as well But that's subject to appeal to first one of these circuit courts in the federal system and In some rare cases to the supreme court of the united states. Okay, so the president Issues a travel ban you and i Want to challenge it and you say okay first thing we do is we go to a federal Court or a state court? I think that in in these cases the root has been and a good suggestion is to go to the to the federal court Because it's issue of immigration and foreign immigration And those matters are federal matters and who would we sue? Who do we sue the president of the united states? And we would go before a You could also bring it against I guess the agency that's blocking the person from coming in You know one of the the government officials and what level courts the first so the first trial goes into what What is the the court's circuit the level that you're in? It's called the you would go to your Like in new york we have the southern district of new york the district court for the for the the part of Manhattan for instance that we're in You would go to whatever your regional federal court is and this is where the dea. This is where federal police would prosecute and Yes, if you were accused of a federal crime you would you would be brought into a district court as well So a crime that involved either a violation of federal law or one that involved crossing state lines That was brought by a the u.s. Attorney a federal prosecutor Prosecutes you in a district court. Correct. Yeah, federal this federal district court and then You're found guilty and you want to appeal and then you go right to a circuit judge Right, correct. And then the next step is the supreme court. Correct. Yeah, but the You have a right to appeal to one of the circuits The supreme court is an unusual institution In that you have to apply for your case to be heard before the supreme court You present what's called a writ of certiorari and the supreme court has the ability to take or not take Whatever case it wants and they will only really take cases Where the constitution is at stake They'll sometimes take other cases that involve federal law or other federal issues But there has to be some controversy that needs to be settled. They're not going to just hear any case It's got to be a big deal case for some reason. All right I'm going to ask you a really important question and that is to just review what we just learned and that is You and I decide we don't like the travel ban The first step is you go to a district federal court. Correct You then get a ruling, right? And your next step is to appeal to a circuit court unless you win then you don't necessarily want to appeal, right? I mean the loser appeals. This is david feldman We lose I feel a divorce. Is there a federal issue? Issue well, you had the oh first amendment public figure thing. That was pretty impressive So there are jailhouse lawyers. You could be like one of these sort of learning law from the inside of divorce It'd be your thing. Okay. So I go before a district court federal district court They say no then I immediately go to one of the 13 circuit courts, right? They say no and then my only recourse is to either accept it or appeal to the supreme court And if the supreme court says, I don't even want to hear feldman. We are so sick of you Right, we're not even going to listen to this right then the circuit appellate court ruling stands, right And occasionally the supreme court could look at a case and decide to send it back To the appellate courts To work on it some more, right? They could do all sorts of things. Yeah, they could resolve the issue And make the final decision They could remand or send it back often to the district court for further findings of fact So say something just wasn't clear or a rule was unclear that they they can really do whatever they want Including often sending it back to um to the lowest level for more consideration. All right. This is fantastic This is the our best session so far. It really was I am A student of ignorance why people are ignorant how they're ignorant and how Learning is watching a soap opera already in progress and trying to catch up. There's a shorthand People don't want you to know what's going on and when you just start watching a soap opera that's been on for 40 years And don't know who the characters are and what their motivation is. It's really hard to come up to speed Yeah, I mean also to I mean the reason why I appreciate us You know you taking the time to do this for listeners is That this isn't any point in time in history, you know, you have a president of the united states who is historic in his Not just ignorance, but disregard of the constitution and the only thing really the only thing that's stopping him Are citizens bringing these suits and going through the processes that we're talking about and understanding This system. I mean it couldn't be more important because you have somebody who I mean I think he's learning for the first time how the system works by you know Going through the travel ban controversy Trying to pass a bill through congress that Didn't work out in healthcare and it just is somebody who during the campaign when I watched him I thought this person really does not understand The most basic things about our system. I'll tell you one story which is to me really I don't know indicates that I'm not just making this up. It's not an impression He was asked about his sister who is a was a judge on one of these appellate circuit courts She had a case involving the ban on partial birth abortion And she said that that was a violation Of the constitution and the right to an abortion under roe versus wade and kasey and she struck down Found unconstitutional that partial birth abortion ban passed by congress now. He was asked here's the point He was asked why did your sister do what she did? Why did she find it unconstitutional? You're supposed to be pro-life and his response was I do not know why my sister Signed that bill And to me That suggests that maybe he didn't know how a bill becomes a law because he didn't know the difference between a court Striking down something as unconstitutional his sister's decision and How a bill becomes a law It's a different process altogether, right? What is a bill of attainder? It's banned under the constitution. It's a special law that's passed to target a particular individual But it's not it's not a like saying david feldman trump listens to our Broadcast and he says, you know that david feldman guy is really A problem for us. Let's pass a bill of attainder that would put him in prison Those are not issued by Justices Bills of attainder are are thankfully banned under our constitutional system It's in the constitution that there can be no bills of attainder And the idea is that it's a tyrannical weapon that's used by monarchs to silence You know people like us who are speaking out I was just trying to I was trying to figure out if there's anything that a supreme court justice Does with a bill No, that could have been right. No, he doesn't know how he didn't know at least how a bill became a law Or he didn't know the distinction between striking down A piece of legislation as unconstitutional and and signing a bill. I mean, I think he really unless he I'm sure he'd claim he misspoke or but to me it was just a really Striking example of constitutional ignorance Ignorance of our basic system by somebody who is running for president. I mean schoolhouse rock tells you You know, is that people still watch that? We need to reissue it somehow. Yeah How a bill becomes a law and you know, I don't know, maybe he didn't have the attention span for that or something But it is, you know Remarkable to me that he said that well, this is a man who Doesn't understand bills and doesn't pay them as well All right, this was the best one so far and we ended with a laugh There's an old joke senator. Where do you stand on the abortion bill? I thought I paid that It's an old joke. All right, and let me give my audience courage Okay, you need the case To read the case if they they'll read lukumi versus the city of Hialeah and pronounce it whatever way you want. That was great. You did it It's one of the hardest cases to pronounce Hardest pronouncement to pronounce. Yeah, so the if they read that it'll give them insight into The travel ban ruling that is eventually supposedly going to come down for the supreme court, right? Yes I think it's the whole I don't want to overstate it But it's a crucial part to understanding what's going on and why the travel ban is unconstitutional The decision in that case so read that and then for Easter dinner you can really intimidate your crazy uncle I love it. Okay. Finally Finally, I this is very important for my listeners and I mean this Where'd you go to undergrad? Pomona college. Mm-hmm. Terrific college on the west coast small liberal arts. Yeah, would you major in what you major in? I did philosophy and politics. Uh, what'd you get a masters in? Um, it was called political thought and intellectual history. Where'd you get it? Cambridge university You got a masters and then you have a PhD in what? Politics from where? Princeton. Mm-hmm. And then a law degree from where? Uh, Stanford law school. Uh-huh What happened when we started today? I I don't remember Oh, you want to yeah, I knew are you what happened? And this is important. This is really important. What happened? There were some technological issues with uh, with the various staff members on the on the podcast specifically Specifically boom. I couldn't quite work the microphone. Uh-huh. And and is it is it fair to say a professor doctor that You can't professor doctor doctor doctor professor master That you can't really find your way through the apple computers system preferences. Is that a fair statement your honor? I know i'm badgering the witness, but I'd like to sometimes you just got a plead guilty and yes Is it is it is it fair to say that you can't be bothered To figure out how your computer works I think you know, you said that you're you're not a great student of some things But you know, you are a good student of others. I think the same is true for me when it comes to technology I really want to understand it and be good at it. But that's just not my not my things We have young people listening. Okay, and by young I mean under the age of 80 This is really important. This is really important. This is really important. I mean this Professor Yes, sir. How many hours are there in a day? 24 How many hours do you need to sleep? About eight. Okay. You have chosen Not to learn how a computer works. Okay. I'm gonna work on it No, no, no. I'm not lecture. No, no. I'm making a point. I'm making a much larger point I'm making a much larger point not not for you. I'm talking about kids listening. Yeah You have done a cost benefit analysis with your time And you realize that Yes, if I really wanted to learn how my apple computer worked I could do that, but I don't have the time Hmm, right Um, and that's a wise that's a wise choice. That's a wise choice is what I'm saying is Maybe although it did take us a good half hour to figure that so maybe it would be worth the investment Oh, no, I was trying to make a larger point. I wasn't attacking you But if you feel threatened by that, I'll go with it. Believe me anything I can do To find a weakness to find a weakness instead of propping you up. This is a Prop. Yeah, I mean, believe me if I if I could alpha dog you I would yeah, I watched the enculter roast The point I'm making is There are choices we make with our time And you rightfully chose not to become a computer geek You chose to pursue More ethereal subjects and my listeners make choices every day In terms of what they're going to spend their time doing And you can spend it watching television And that's what you'll know Or you can spend it reading or watching documentaries or trying to better your mind or you can poison your mind with television and lousy sitcoms on netflix or you can Learn and become a better citizen. It's a matter of time and this is a professor who's brilliant And if he wanted to learn how to use a computer He would he doesn't have the time. There's only so much time in the day Thank you for your time professor. No, I appreciate it. David. Thanks for kind words and thanks for taking the time to Learn together about what's going on and you learned so I hope I was able to teach you today And you were Despite what you say, I think you're a great student That's our show. Thanks for listening barry krimman's new stand-up special Is called whenever it threatens you and you can stream it over at louis ck.net Jimmy parto's podcast is never not funny Download it on itunes Go see ronda handsome and tom ryan Whatever they're playing and special thanks to professor cori bretschneider if You're a student at brown university You can see him tuesdays and thursdays in room 405 in arcenio hall I believe his classes are taught in arcy. I don't know what i'm talking about Hey, happy easter happy pass over whatever you celebrate. Please share this episode Will you do that for me and give us a good review on itunes? I have An album out. It's called pay what you want the first 10 minutes are up over david feldman show.com Check it out. Pay what you want from the show briz studios in downtown manhattan. That'll do it for us