 is the worst last meal I ever had. Sorry, Jackson, here's a word. We're glad to see you, warden, so the governor came through with that stay. I knew he would. He's a very good guy. Sorry, Jackson. No word from the governor. Yeah, well, I was sorry. I don't know who to vote for next time. Come along, Jackson. Nice cozy little look. Oh, so that's it, huh? Mind if I take a look? I wouldn't advise it. You're getting soft, warden. Gas. Haven't even put in electricity. All right on hand, Jackson. Jackson, I'm going to grant you a special privilege not often given to a man in your position is what you asked for, a chance to tell you a story to the newspapers, to get it off your chest. Thanks, warden. See you in a while, Jackson. Mr. Jackson, I think you're wonderful. You've really got what it takes. Well, I ain't exactly a cream puff. Cigarette? Never mind. Thanks, George. Might be a saw on that one. Oh. Well, you've got what I call guts. By the way, I figured, anybody going to match? Yeah. The way I figured, if a guy feels in his heart, he's taking a phony wrap. Well, it's not so tough to kick the bucket. It's not so tough to walk that last mile. It's just tough to light a cigarette, that's all. Hey, Jackson, how'd you get into this mess? Was it a woman? It's always a woman. You should have seen this woman. Skin like smooth satin, beautiful blue eyes, dark silken hair, kind of a gal that make you want to give away your last shirt. I borrowed this from the warden. This girl? How'd you meet her? Did she come up to your office? Did you fall in love with her? Wait a minute. One at a time. You may not know this, but I wasn't always a detective. Before they pinned this murder rap on me, I had one of the sweetest little rackets in San Francisco. A legitimate business? Better than legitimate, it was profitable. My office was in the Trafalgar building, just down the edge of Chinatown. Oh, in Chinatown? No, not right in. You know California Street from the hill at Stockton? Yeah. Well, coming down the hill on the cable car, you could just see my office. Third floor, front. Ronnie was the name. Ronnie, maybe photographer. I'll never forget that day. For two hours, I'd been trying to make that little brat smile. I threw the book at him, every surefire trick of the trade. This kid's going to grow up to be a sponsor. He's even wearing out the lights. Oh, oh! Watch the birdie, watch the birdie. There you are. You're photo, Mr. Jackson. Well, that's because I was a kid once myself. Trying to see those proofs. When will they be ready? All the first thing in the morning, Mrs. Fong. Good. And I'm sure you'll like them. Well, goodbye. You little rascal, you. You, uh, oh, oh, come on. Give Mr. Jackson back his finger. Time. Can he get me to home? Sweet, though. Let me see. Uh-huh. Baby photographer, a fine job for a two-fisted he-man like Ronnie Jackson. Well, I'd promised to have pictures of the kid ready by morning so I got to work and develop them. Must have been about 20 minutes later, a half hour or something like that, when I heard a door slam in the hallway outside. I knew it was Sam McLeod coming back to his office from a busy day pitting the goods on a few assorted crooks and murderers. Sam McLeod, the coolest, toughest private eye in the business. You see, I wanted to be a detective, too. It only took brains, courage, and a gun. And I had the gun. I'd figured out a way for Sam to hire me, so I started across the hall. Already, I could see my name in big letters. Ronnie Jackson, private eye. What I didn't see was a small print underneath. Rest in peace. Catching a rattler for shy right now? Hi, Sam. Listen, baby, it'll take more than a couple of hopped up gunsles without you fingers to scare me off. Yeah, I'd have to talk that over some rainy night in front of a nice warm fire. I'll bring the matches. Good bye. It's on your mind, Ronnie. Matches? No, I mean, look, Sam, it came today, license and everything. Now, can I be your partner? I told you before, stick to watching the bird in. You'll die of old age. Oh, yeah, but I was cut off for this kind of life. All my life, I wanted to be a hard-boiled detective, like Humphrey Bogart or Dick Powler, even Alan Ladd. You don't have those beautiful women coming into the office and those warm fires on those rainy nights, that's the kind of life I want. How about it, Sam? Smooth, huh? Say, I can be a lot of help to you, Sam. Look, here's my latest invention right here, a camera with a keyhole lens. Takes pictures right through doors. I've been kicked out of five hotels already. How about it, Sam? Can I go to work for you? Just give me a simple yes or no. No. Oh, but that's too simple. Why don't you give it a little thought? I'm going to Chicago for a few days. I'll leave the door open so you can come through and answer the phone. I could go with you, I've got a coat just like that. I could help you out quite a bit in case you're running any keyhole work or... You're sure there's nothing I can do for you? Yeah, you keep your nose clean. That's the last chance I'll give him. Keep my nose clean, answer the phone. I ought to go in business for myself. Ronnie Jackson, the private eye. I could catch those gunned up popsles over a warm fire even if it wasn't raining. Drink as much as he can. I suppose you wonder why I act this way. Oh, no, every girl who comes in here does that. I need a detective. Please say that you'll help me. Yeah, but look, I'm just... Please, Mr. McCloud, please. Just call me Sam. This is my type of case. Spill it, sister. My name is Colorado Monte. Baroness Monte. A Baroness? I feel as though someone's watching me. Yeah, that's me. I arrived here three days ago in the Queen of Peru with a Baron, my husband. Oh, you've got a husband. This was taken the day we arrived. You call him cutting a San Francisco citizen. He must rate. I'm in trouble. Deep trouble. What's the wheelchair for? My husband is an invalid. He hasn't been out of that wheelchair in seven years. You're in trouble. Keep talking. At the dock, I went ahead to clear our luggage through customs. I was gone five, 10 minutes at the most. When I returned, he had disappeared. A snatch job, huh? Have you gone to the police? No, no, no. If I go to the police, they'll kill him. Who's they? That's what I want you to find out. Look, I have no money, but this ring can be pawned anywhere for at least $5,000. Oh, look, sister, five grand is a lot of mula. You don't have to. The ring is nothing. We Montay is a generous. If you will just find my husband, I will be so grateful. You will see. I'll bring the matches. Oh, but this isn't necessary. What's the matter? Listen, they mustn't find me here. I don't hear anything. Be at this address as soon as you can. Five minutes, be too soon. Dangerous men, be careful. I mustn't know you're a detective. Don't worry, you're a pretty little head about it, honey. I'll find your husband, the fool that I am. Shh. Somebody's coming up to guard this map with your life. Come in the studio some night after hours, and I'll take your picture when everybody's gone. No charge. Negatives. Come right in. What are you waiting for? You want to be a detective, don't you? Let me see what was out of dress for the map. My life, small bullets. Ain't this your camera running? Oh, yeah, thank you very much. And say, you don't have to pull no gun on me to kiss me any time. Who was on my own? A missing husband and a dark-eyed dreamboat up to her gorgeous lips in trouble. What up, Parley? You know, yeah, that mysterious map, the whole thing just like you'd read it in the detective magazine. I had my car for the address the doll gave me, and it turns out this place is practically a sleeper jump from town. Anyway, later that afternoon, I'm driving through the gates of one of those upper bracket estates down in the peninsula. Pretty soon I come to another gate. That should have been my cue to put the car in reverse. And then I got a load of the mansion. Oh, what a joint. Must have been something left over from Wuthering Heights. You know, the kind of a house that looks like you can hunt quail in the hallways? I didn't know it then, but I was going to be the quail. Maybe this is so beautiful, but it's late. Soda? Dr. Lando. Good afternoon, sir. Good afternoon, Kismet. Yes? Baroness Montaer is expecting me. Pronto. Oh, yes. Won't you come in? Pronto. Nice cheerful place. What time did they bring the mummies out? It's very amusing, sir. Madame Laboro-Nest is in a living room. Shall I announce you? Never mind. I'll take it from here. May I help you with your overcoat? Be a part of it, sir. You can't. Yeah, I'm roughing it. Here we are. Thanks, cuddles. Very amusing. Pretty song, isn't it? Yeah, it's pretty, but you were so anxious that I'm with you till my dying breath. Please, you mustn't. Yeah, better not leave any fingerprints. But I thought you said the guy was your husband. Well, I had to have your help. I know men. Somehow they always seem to be more interested in the problems of young wives with older husbands. Oh, no. It just seems that way to you. Please, listen. My uncle came to this country on a very important mission. So important that he wouldn't tell anyone about it, not even me. Your uncle, huh? So he's not your husband. Well, did I quote you any rates? I may work cheaper, you know. Please, not now. Too fast, huh? OK. Tell me, did your uncle have any enemies? Not that I know of. Huh? And how about this house? Who lives here? It belongs to a major Simon Montague. He was a former business partner of the Barons. When my uncle disappeared, I was frantic. So I called Major Montague, and he offered to help me. And what do you know about it? My uncle trusted him implicitly. And still, he treats me like a child, tells me not to worry, says that he's handling things. And all the time, I feel as though I'm being watched. And he's been so sweet and kind ever since my arrival. Getting kind of dark in here, isn't it? We were just talking about you. Something flattering, I hope. Maybe I should have listened a minute. If there's anything warms my heart, it's finding out people like me as much as I like them. I don't believe I've heard the honor, sir. Oh, Mr. Craig. Oh, hi, Mr. Craig. Glad to see you. I thought your name was Craig. Yeah, I'm Craig, too. That's quite a coincidence. Mr. Major Montague, I met Mr. Craig on shipboard. I'm still a little seasick. Oh, well, it's a pleasure knowing you, son. Anything I can do for you while you're in the country? You just speak up. Oh, thank you, sir. Do you have a cigar? No, thanks. I'm bribing. Craig, Craig, where have I heard that name before? It is a phone call for you. Please take the message. After all, Colorado, it may be important. Yes, you're quite right. Excuse me, Mr. Craig. All right, sir. Now we'll quit playing possibly. Yeah. How do you do, Mr. McLeod? Well, how I... Oh, Craig is the name. How do you do, Craig? How the shipboard and stuff? Oh, you know that you're a private detective. Oh, yeah? Yeah, yes. Sam, just call me Sam. And just to show you my heart's in the right place, I'm going to help you do a little detective. OK. This way, son. Come on, Dad. I may have a little surprise for you. You partner, gentlemen? Yeah, this is Mr. McLeod. Mr. McLeod, I'd like you to meet the man in the picture. Baron Montay. How do you do? Yeah, but she said you'd been snatched. You have my word for it, young man. I'm not a mirage. Yeah, but she told me she seemed so. I don't get it. Such a lovely girl. The very flower of young womanhood, too. Perhaps Dr. Lundau can tell you about her. I believe you've met the doctor. Oh, yes, we had a long talk outside. Beautiful day, isn't it? I said that. Well, Mr. McLeod, as you perhaps know, it is not the habit of a psychiatrist to put on display the skeletons in anyone's family closets. However, I believe you are entitled to an explanation of the strange behavior of Baron Montay's wife. Wife? But she just told me she was his niece. Last week, she was his little sister. It is not funny, Major. For the past six months, Miss Montay has been suffering from an acute form of schizophrenia, accompanied by visual aberrations and increasingly severe paranoic delusions. And how is she mentally? A friend, Mr. McLeod, is a Harvard man. I am not. Fair Mount High. Leave him. Won't you sit here, please? I'll try to simplify the case. Oh, well, make it easy on yourself. I handle all these. Miss Montay has an obsession that her own life is in danger. And she believes that her uncle, the Baron here, has been kidnapped. Well, gee, I mean, why don't you bring her in here and show her the baron? Yeah. Yeah, that's what I do. I'd, I'd. No, señor. It would be too severe a mental shock. What? My idea is to break down her fear with suggestive therapy. Well, does she snap her cap very often? I mean, when you invite company for dinner, do you take away her knife and fork? She's only dangerous if she's emotionally disturbed. You must have come across many similar cases in your business, Mr. McLeod. Did you? Oh, for me. Oh, sure, sure. I could take those schizos or leave Malone. And usually I leave Malone. I figured that. Well, I must get back to the office and file some fingernails. I'm fingerprints. See you then. You know, my heart goes out to that poor unfortunate girl. Her mind is all mixed up. It's downright pitiful. I suppose she even said something about a map, huh? Map? Yeah, she even gave me one to hold for her. Mysterious map missing, uncle. Pretty corny. You know, there was something about the way she looked that made me suspicious, but the way she looked, I didn't care. But you kept the map. Oh, sure. Why not? She may not have it up here, but hubba, hubba. Now, you watch yourself, son. Oh, come in, Colorado, dear. Nutty as a fruitcake, and with all that beautiful frosting. I was just saying to your friend, Mr. Craig, at any time he's in the neighborhood, he should feel free to drop in and have a julep with us. And you all, excuse me? Oh, don't go, Major. You know the old saying, three's company and two's a crowd. You take care of yourself, son. Yeah. I'll own it last. Goodbye. Do you know who that phone call was from? Napoleon? Her schizo's about to frenia. Why did I get up today? I just spoke to my uncle. That's funny. So did I. Who? My uncle. He told me not to worry. But I'm terribly disturbed. Emotionally? Yes. He said he was safe. Oh, he's safe, all right. I mean, he's safe, all right. But he's not safe. I know he isn't. No, no. He's in a terrible spot. But I feel he's in great danger. Yes, yes. He's in great danger. Yeah, but he's safe, all right. He's safe? Sounded like an umpire. Don't you see? Someone forced him to make that call. Someone who wants me to believe that nothing is wrong. Oh, Mr. McLeod, I don't know what to do. I'm at my wit's end. Yeah, I passed there an hour ago. What's the matter with you? Oh, me? Here, sister, you better take the ring back. But you wouldn't desert me. Not now. No, no. I just remembered I got a date with J. Edgar Hoover. Kid never makes a move without me. But Sam, you said we were in this thing together. You said you'd stick with me till your dying breath. Yeah, and I'm getting too close to it. Now, don't get upset, Miss Monte. You just listen to the major. He's a very fine man, and he likes you. Oh, so they've been talking to you. They've been telling you things. Oh, you're crazy. I mean, you're being silly. Nobody's been talking to me. I haven't even been talking to myself. Oh, yes, they have. They've told you something, and you'll believe him. Oh, no, no, I'm on your side. So now I know who's at the bottom of all this. Major Simon Montague. Oh, no, no. We're in this together, baby. Please don't believe him, Sam. Please say you'll help me. Please, please, baby. Do it for Mama. Mama knows best. Darling, promise me you'll guard the map with your life. Yeah, the map. Map, the map. Yeah, here, let me take this. Oh, you can open the mailman later. Gee, gee, six o'clock already. Well, I, well, so long. Well, I got out of the house and was just starting for my car when I realized me and my get had parted company, holster and all. I figured little Miss Screwball must have lifted it when she kissed me. I started to go back for it, but I changed my mind. I spot a high window around the corner of the house and decided to climb up and take a gander. I figured the only way to get the inside dope is from the outside. Dope? So I scamper up the hill in about three jumps, like any other goat, and take a sneak peek. And what do you know? The guy who told me he couldn't walk is out of his wheelchair and sashaying around chippers at J Bird. Then I knew Carlotta wasn't nuts. I get out my brownie, and I'm all set to snap exhibit A. When laughing, boy, he gets out of his chair and starts for the window. I figure he sees me. But no, he pulls up the shade right in my kisser, like it was Lady's night in a Turkish bath. I'm stymied, but only for a second. The keyhole. Here's where my gadget pays off, the greatest invention since the Albany Night Bowl. This'll do it, I says. Next stop, Rogues Gallery. Now watch the birdie. Click. Oh, Carlotta, what am I saying? He saw the Baron. He took a picture. A picture. Camera four, I take the hide off. Yeah, all right. There he goes. All right. Close the gates. Close the gates. Get me the state police. Very soft for you to include the negative. When I came to, I was playing post office with a floor. I had a lump on my head the size of my head. Inside, Toscanini was conducting the annual course with real blacksmiths. I looked at the bottle of old pile driver and decided to stick the double malts. And those kids with a hammer started pounding again. But the thumping wasn't in my head. It was somebody knocking on the door. And it wasn't McLeod's door. It was my door, my door in the other room. Yeah, Mr. Jackson. My head's. How did they come out? Yanks four, Cleveland seven. Now, Mr. Jackson, a man of your responsibility shouldn't drink. Well, who's drinking? Oh, that's a bottle of bean, Bobber. I want my baby's picture. Yeah. Picture? It's going. Just a second. Mr. Jackson. Wait. Mr. Jackson. Let me see. I had it here, and I took it there. Oh, this would have to happen to Sweden. No, no, look, Mrs. Fong, it's not your baby's picture. Here's the negative of that. Have it. Have it to be. I've printed some place else. Please. What place else? Yeah, I'm out of business now. I'm retired. Remember that, if you have another baby, please. Quiet, I'm thinking. Boy, I've got things to do. Yes, sir, important things to do. What have I got to do? That's the fella. Get him. Watch him, he's one of the gang. All right, what'd you do with the Baron? Come clean you guns, or we mean business. Don't we, fellas? I beg your pardon? What's going on here? Don't try to look so innocent with those blue-point eyes. Watch him, he's got a knife. Have you got a knife? Sure, I've got a knife. I'm the gardener. What'd you think I was last night at Chrysanthemum? You tried to prune me. Hold it, bud. Is there anyone living here by the name of, uh... Carlotta Montay. Carlotta Montay. Who's Carlotta Montay? You know who she is. She's staying here with Major Montague. Who's Major Montague? Look, this house belongs to the George Crandles. They've been in South America for four months. Six months. Yeah, then he's subletting. You mind if we take a look inside? No, please come along. Pardon me. This way. I'll show you, they're probably all hiding in here. Stick with me. Hey, what's this? Looks like nobody home. Nothing personal about that, I hope. What do you think, Saaj? I think a rebuke is in order. Oh, now, wait a minute. Don't get your badges in an uproar. You got this all wrong. They fixed my car. They fixed the gate. They fixed everything. That's their racket. They're trying to make people think everybody's crazy. Yeah, but with you, they had a head start. Oh, now, wait a minute. You've got to listen to me. You've got to trust me, fellas. This is the biggest frame-up since Whistler's mother. Right? Back to town. Yeah, well, let me tell you something. What? I like long drives. Get going. Okay. If your father is again, I'll personally punch you in the nose so hard it'll look like other people's noses. Yeah, well, it might be worth it. All right, we bothered you. You're not a bad guy for a corner. But I'm going to be a citizen. I'm studying for my examination. By the way, could you gentlemen tell me who was the eighth president of the United States? Did he come back? Why, does he want to search the house? He's looking for clues. Clues? He wants a clue to call out his whereabouts. See that he finds one. This one. Those look so easy in those Tarzan pictures. The next move is to find her. So I get back into my hot rod special and start out. About an hour later, I spot a sign. Sea Cliff Lodge. So I go in to locate the girl, pretending I'm just another guest looking for a little quiet relaxation. The place is just what I figured. A ritzy summer resort, complete with golf course. Lodge from here. Lodge? That's where I live. Straight ahead, you can't miss it. Hey, pardon me. Did you notice if a good looking dark-haired girl checked in there last night? Can't talk. Care to play these last three holds? It'll take you right there. Oh, OK. But how about my car? They'll send for it. Crawford's the name. Oliver J. Crawford. Well, mine's a Smithers. Nine iron. Care to shoot first? OK. Say, this girl last night, did you notice if she was alone? Care to make a small wager? A dollar a hole? All right. Said you notice if she had a hole. Now, you had a full nine. There's water down there. Missed it. Cop must have moved on me. I feel like a pretty good round today, myself. You do. Lucky I got it for those straps. I didn't see it. I don't concede that. Thanks. For a minute there, I didn't think you had a ball. Down block, old boy. You're one down. Where's your ball? Right here. Nice lie. Down the green. I can't even see the green. I can. Oh, say, Smithers, how about that buck you owe me? I owe you? A dollar a hole. Nice racket you got. Thanks. George Washington, where? He's staying here, you know. Got the room next to mine. Keeps me up all night long, playing Yankee Doodle on his fife, off key. Why don't you tell Patrillo about it? Hey, you hurry up. Quick, grab him, there they go. I'm looking for you, chummy. We're going to see the doctor. Doctor? Sanitarium. You got me wrong. I'm not crazy. I know. I know. Maybe you'd like some walnuts. Walnuts? Why don't you grab those nuts, there's strudel in the noodle. I want you. Yeah, but I'm OK. I'm sane. I'll prove it to you. Watch this coordination. It's the wrong hand. It's practice a little and see you later. Come on. Easy, that's my pinball hand. We're going to see the doctor. It's no use, but I'm not going with you. Let's see the doctor. Doctor! Watch out, or we'll never get that down again. That's better. There's a part missing. A thing like this could be permanent. Do they have bell hops here? It's welcome to see, Cliff. Oh, yeah, the calisthenics. Oh, steady. It's a map. Where's the map? You didn't bring it with you. That's very bad. Look, I didn't expect to see you here. Get me out of this angle. Very bad. Trying to choke somebody? Look, I don't know what's going on here. And I'm not scared, T. You've got company, ma'am. Carlotta! Oh, Sam, I'm sorry. Oh, that's all right, baby. Oh, why did I have to go and do this? Now I've got you in this mess too. Oh, now wait a minute. Don't go feminine on me. All right. Don't go masculine, either. Oh, I didn't know this was going to be formal. Oh, I'll be right with you, boss. Move here and sit down, Sam. You and I are going to have a little talk. Yeah, I'll do the talking. And you do the sitting. I'll do the talking. I'll do the sitting. The map keys, ma'am? He didn't have it on him, Sam. No? That kind of changes things, don't it? Yes, it does change things. Sam, boy, recently I offered to buy from Baron Monte the mineral rights of a section of his land. Unfortunately, the Baron turned my offer down. He came to this country to make a deal with somebody else. Who is this someone else in? What kind of mineral rights? You're getting to inquisitive, son. And that ain't healthy. Now, maybe a little collada here is beginning to see the light. You know, I'm very fond of you, collada. And I don't like to see you holding out on me. Lay off of her, you phony. You all, it's a good thing you're here. I'd be brutal. Uncle Stefan, are you all right? Yes, child. They haven't heartened me. Hey, is that your uncle? He looks just like the guy in the picture I took. You should have held on to it, son. That picture might have spoiled everything for us. Light, please, Carlotta. Oh, Sam, and if you don't mind, I I'd like to acquaint the Baron with a few basic facts. You see, Monsieur le Baron, we have you. We have your niece. And having Mr. McLeod, we have to map. That's it, you haven't. Yes, but before the chrysanthemum blooms, we will have it. Please put this away, yes? Come here, Willie. Let's stop fooling around, son. I want that map, and I want it now. What you want and what you're going to get are two different things. I'm not the given time. You're not the given time. Oh, Tempah? Here's my Tempah. Don't be so rough with Sam. He can take it. The poor boy's days. He don't know what's going on. Oh, I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to get so fresh. I, uh, oh, it's you? Oh, where's the map, son? Oh, is that what you want? Oh, why didn't you say so? You don't have to get it the hard way. Sam, don't. Oh, what's the use? They'll beat it out of us anyway. We might as well tell them. Go on, Charmy. You tell them. All right. I hid the map in a water cooler in my office. Oh, he's lying. I've searched his office. No, you looked in the wrong water cooler. The one I mean is in the- Sam. We might as well tell them the truth. You'll find the map in a water cooler at the ferry building. Ferry building? In the water cooler by the newsstand. Third cup from the top. We'll find out. Tony, it should take you about three hours to get to that ferry building and back if going, son. Doctor, better register them as patients in case they should happen to meet with an accident. Usual papers will be filled out. You see, if Tony doesn't happen to find that map. Sam. Sam, can you hear me? What's up, baby? That cigarette you saw me take from my uncle. There was a message in it from him. We've two hours to get out of here. Oh, we've got nothing to worry about till Tony gets back. You know, they took all my clothes. Mine, too. They did? Oh, they did, huh? So have you got a hairpin? Sam, this is no time to be thinking about your looks. Here. Oh, good. Say, how'd you know about that cigarette? My uncle never smokes. So when he asked me for a light, I, he wants us to get in touch with a James Collins engineering facts corporation. Uh-huh. I've seen this done a thousand times. Who is this James Collins? It's always so simple. You just put the hairpin in the lock, give it a quick twist. Well, come on in. Get up, we can play jacks later. Oh, it's you. OK, take me away. I brought you some grub. I fixed it all myself. Oh, I haven't got much of an appetite. If I could take a long walk. Oh, them there guys wouldn't let you. You know, show me, I like you. Yeah, well, you got a funny way of showing it. I'm still trying to get the corpuscles to move back in. Oh, I'm sorry. You just don't know your own strength. You know, Willie, I like you too. You do? Yes, sir. What a physique. Bolder damn with legs. And look at those shoulders and that arm. Like a sack of doorknobs. Recess, recess, recess. You're just kidding. Hey, Chummy, do you care if I feel your muscle too? No, go ahead. Look around, is there some place? Oh, there it is. That's it. It's just like a womb. Yeah. Easy, easy, easy. Everything you touch turns to rigor mortis. You know, Willie, with your strength, I bet you could take that radiator and just pull it out by the roots and play it like an accordion, huh? Wouldn't that be fun? Or you could even take those bars and just bend them apart, huh? Oh, I don't like to brag. Oh, well, go ahead and brag. All right. Gee, you're strong. Gee, you and I should tear out the radiator. Oh, no, no, that's OK. Oh, you've done enough. You're wonderful, babe. Oh, you're solid spinach. You're great. I'll buy you a rabbit later. Thanks very much. Oh, I'll be seeing you, Chummy. Oh, that's all right. Thanks. Gotta be neat, you know. Yeah. Yeah, detective, outsmarted by an imbecile. We've got to get out of here in two hours, though. Yeah, we're caught like rats in a trap. Well, at least we're a boy rat and a girl rat. Thank you. All right. No, you're struggling. See? I told you there was no you struggling. Come on. No, get the keys. I'll be your nurse, patient. Oh, great. Here's where I get some new clothes. You can't miss it. It's a great, convertible job of the horn that goes that, that, that, that. It's a conservative model. Yes, but suppose they took the keys. Don't need them. There's a trick you can do with the wires. Thank you. Oh, nurse. Be no barbiter, old man. It's a replica in the third, do, dee, do. I think I do this too well. Come on. Wait a minute. Wait. I'll see what's in here. Yeah. There's nothing here, but this means you owe me a piece of moth bait. Oh, my. Yours? Oh, it's pretty, isn't it? We can't use this. I, as stranger. How do you do, my dear? Shh. Going around to the pretty nurse, I see you'll be getting out of here in no time. See? Branches does our government consist of. Our government consists of three branches. What are the three branches of our government? Branches of our government are? The legislative, the executive, and the judicial. What does the legislative branch of our government do? It makes the laws. Sneaking out, stranger? Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. It's you. Oh, oh, oh, oh. Practicing again. No, my way. Don't leave me. Practicing. Oh, how delightful. Oh. Wonderful. Oh. It's easy, Cuddles. Cuddles, huh? Look, I was, I was just. Who's for you, Miss Montay? I'm bowing out. I'm forcing myself. This kind of life is too rich for my business. Oh, oh, oh. It's you. Oh. Oh. Oh. Practicing again. I'm not afraid of my blood. A little like it left. I'll get you the map and then we'll call it quits. Tell me, Mr. McLeod, are you always afraid of old men with phony southern accents? Wait a minute. What do I owe you? All I know is you came into my office with a phony story and a ring, and now I ain't got the ring and I'm stuck with the story. Lanes are this time of the year. He's out of town, which is a tough break for all of us, except him. So you've been playing, detective? Yeah, and I'm through playing, sister. The last 24 hours, I've been knocked out, shot at, beaten up. And if I'm still alive, it's only because the insurance company doesn't want to give up. They're afraid it would break. Here's your map, Miss Montay. The right water cooler, but the wrong office. Goodbye. Goodbye, Sam. I mean, Mr. Jackson. Goodbye. And I don't mean see you later. So long, sister. But if you can't go out like that, you're soaked to the skin. Oh, marriage. Oh, steady. Why do women always act like women? Here, here are a few things. Whose things? Mine. Pick out what you need. The one's with the lacer still at the laundry. Oh, may I check? No, it's my room. Over here, behind the screen. If you're not a detective, you act like one. Well, I ain't exactly a cream puff, sister. I could use water wings in this business. I just wanted you to know I'm not really angry with you. Why not? I'm very grateful for all you've done for me. Even if you were, Sam, a cloud you couldn't have accomplished more. Look, don't red-apple me. From now on, I'm gonna stick to watch the birdie and leave the chicks alone. Ronnie, I think you're a very brave man. I know a sniveling card when I see one. How you snive? But I've no one else to turn to. Won't you help me? No. Please. Oh, no, you don't. What kind of a sucker do you take me for? Just because you're a girl and I'm a boy and you're throwing those big blue eyes at me and you let me put my arms around you and you let me hold you close, even closer. You think you can get me to do anything you want? Darling, the first thing we've got to do... We're doing it. We've got to find James Collins. Collins? Yeah. No, we gotta get out of here. This is the first place those characters will look. I don't want that cuddle's playing mumbling peg on my throat. Take those off. What? I mean, put this on. Oh, you all are better always that first. Where's my hat? Oh, it's you, Mrs. Fong. Mr. Jackson, stop pushing me. I'm sorry. Hurry. Mr. Jackson, I'm very disappointed in you. Yeah, I know. You take a picture of Sonny's fight and then you give me the wrong... Yeah, well, don't worry about a thing, Mrs. Fong. I'll give you your money back. Hurry. This move is to contact Mr. James Collins. His secretary said he had a date that night at a spot called the Pooley Door. From here on, we had no worries. Monique, you and his cute little playmates, they were washed up, through, lost in the shuffle. Well, Pooley Door was our next stop, but we didn't look exactly like Cafe Society, so I blew the bank roll, rented a tuxedo for myself, and an evening gown for Carlotta. Boy, did she stack up. I guess you only get out of a thing when you put into it. An hour later, we were at the Pooley Door, one of those real, swanky cafes where they eat mink for breakfast. Just a moment. Mr. Collins' table, he's expecting us. Oh, yes, sir, Mr. Collins. He's right here by the window. Oh, yes. Yes, there he is. Hey, George. This way, please. Ah, just a minute, bud. Look, here's a fin. Tell that blonde at that table over there she's wanted on the phone. Franco? Sir, thanks, sir. Let's move in. Hide me, sir. If you want it on the telephone, miss. Excuse me. Mr. Collins, we'd like to speak to you for a minute. I don't believe I've had this sit-down. Start talking, baby. My name is Colotta Montay. My uncle is Baron Montay. Baron Montay? I don't think I've ever... My uncle told us to get in touch with you. I'm sorry. I'm afraid you have the wrong man. Good. Waiter, my chair, please. Does this map mean anything to you? Where is the Baron? Peter said you had a phone call for me. I will check it for you, madam. The Baron had an important appointment. This wins the afternoon in Washington. Washington? In his office at the Pilgrim Hotel. Pilgrim Hotel? Someone must keep that appointment. Someone will, but it won't be the right Baron Montay. Right. Our first move is to get the local police. That's it? No, you stay here, miss Montay. You stay here. These men are killers. Yeah, then I'll stay here, too. Come on. If we're not back in 45 minutes, call the police. All of them. Check. The 10th precinct police station is the closest. Good. We'll call from there. But the sooner we get this in the hands of the FBI, the better. FBI? Baron Montay's appointment in Washington Wednesday was with the State Department. Boy, this thing is dynamite. Look, Mr. Collins, just how do you figure in this deal? I'm a geologist. I work with Baron Montay and San Dimas. In fact, I drew up this map for him. It shows the location of a great deposit of cryolite. Well, I don't see anything. It's in code. Oh. Yesterday morning, I got a phone call. A voice exactly like Baron Montay's. It was said that there had been a change in plans that the land was no longer for sale. Do you realize what that means? Well, not exactly. It means that somebody, some other government, perhaps, is after that cryolite. Well, we can't let him get it. What's cryolite? Cryolite? It's an ore containing cryptobar. Cryptobar? Oh, well, we can't let him get that. What's cryptobar? The source of uranium. And what's uranium? Oh, well, now I got you. I read Buck Rogers, too, you know. Uranium. Must be that right front. Come on. I hunched this thing was much bigger than it looked. That's funny. It's OK. Blood. And it ain't mine. It's red. Keep cool, Ron. Ronny, keep cool. The murder weapon. Yeah. Pardon me. Huh. Find the owner of this gun and you've got the killer. Yeah. Yeah, it's mine. Yeah, my gun. My gun. Oh. Yeah, it's got my fingerprints on it. I don't care if she has got a girlfriend. I'm going home and hit the hay. I just don't go for any blind dates. I'd rather be caught dead. I'd rather be caught. Well, OK, call her up. Call her up. You don't expect to get away with this, do you? But I tell you, I didn't do it. I didn't do it. Of course you didn't do it. This fire hydrant just snaked up on you, huh? Oh, that. Oh, yeah. Let me see your driver's license. Yeah, but you got me all wrong, officer. This isn't my car. Oh, it isn't, huh? No, I don't drive. I drink a lot. I get nosebleeds and... And what are you doing here? Well, I was just cleaning. I was drunk, huh? Oh, no, I wouldn't think of it. How far could I roll him? Besides, some of my best friends are drunks. I was just... Well, I've got to go now. It's been fun. Not too fast. It looks suspicious. So long. It's been fun. Stop saying that. Well, goodbye now. I got to run now. I... Sorry to follow up. Hey, stop right there. I'm scared of him. He's a real help to us, that boy. What about the girl? Oh, well, there's no problem. We're on the map. When I told Carlotta they'd rubbed out Collins, it was quite a blow. But the kit bounced back like a rubber ball. A nice, soft rubber ball. Too bad I wasn't in the mood to play catch. I was in for keeps now. Ronnie Jackson wanted for murder. Well, if we were going to save the Dolls Uncle and Mrs. Jackson's boy Ronnie, we had to get something on that gang. That meant our next stop had to be Washington. But we needed dough to get there, and little Carlotta came through. We got the last two seats on a plane headed east, and by midnight we were playing tag with the Rockies. Carlotta was very sweet. She looked after me like a mother. I guess she wanted to make sure I didn't get away. And for a disguise, I was wearing a 10 o'clock shadow. I had to play in cagey. The only thing that bothered me was the altitude. I knew it would get me. I get air sick when I step on a thick carpet. We hit Washington about noon the next day, and we grabbed a cab for the Pilgrim Hotel. Well, this was the end of the ride. Pay off. Ronnie Jackson versus Mitt Jewel of Montague. My brain pitted against his. Yeah, he had the brain and I had the pit. I suppose they haven't got a room near my uncle's suite. You just toss that smile at him, honey. He'll give us the joint. Thanks, Ronnie. Look. It's nice to see you again, Baron. Thank you. We went a hand in. I guess old Shorten and Brad joins him later. I'll see you about that room. Say, bud, we'd like to talk to you about it. Can you tell me the number of Baron Montague's suite? Sorry, he's out of town. Oh, I'm Mr. Dawson of the State Department. Oh, yes. He's expecting you. Suite 14C. Thank you. Yes? Oh, we'd like a room, please. Something on the 14th floor? Sorry, we have another thing. Say, what about those rooms for Hennessy and McCoy? And Kelly. And Schultz. Oh, yes. Would you please register? I thought you said you didn't have a room. Well, you see, if you were with the convention, I could... Oh, yeah, yeah, sure. Where were the convention? Well, you certainly don't look like a detective. Oh, well, isn't... Not exactly a detective, I'm more of a stool pigeon. There at the other hotel, see, and I thought, wow, look, we must be off, poor boy. Chidiot, pip pip, top hole and all that sort of rot. Come, Deborah, come. Yes, we mustn't be late for tea. Oh, I hate soggy crumpets, you know. Yes, so do I. Well, step up, bud. Goodbye, sir. Your killer. They got me. New York gang slayer jail. It's a New York murderer he's yelling about. Oh, yeah, sure. And I'm just a San Francisco murderer. I don't know how much more of this I can take. You've had me in hot water so long I feel like a tea bag. Well, why don't you quit? I can take it from here. Oh, sure. Now that you got me over a barrel, now that I'm wanted for murder. For murder. You want me to quit, huh? Well, let me... Did you hear that bell ring? What bell? It just rang for ice water in 14 C. And who do you think is gonna bring it up? Me. I'm my chambermaid. Hey, Mr. Dawson! Boy, bring it back! Mr. Dawson, I want to talk to you. We're great, huh? Is it all right, Major Montague? Give me a hand with these bags. No, but this ice water, there's a blonde in 14 A who's on fire. I'll check. Cut the comedy and get these bags. This is an emergency. She's sizzling. Come on. Okay, slow down. Push me around. My dues are paid too, you know. All right, on in. Let's go. That portfolio... The office is in there, Simon. Yes, they put the bags in that room and the portfolio in the office. How was your busy? I handled Mr. Dawson beautifully. Nice having you with us again, Baron Montague. Will you be in Washington long? Not long. In a few days, perhaps. Let me tell you about Dawson. Not now. We'll be alone. Would you like me to open the window for you? No, no, it's quite all right. Thank you. Yes, Baron. Oh, boy! Oh, boy! Coming, coming! Yes, sir. Yes, sir. Will that be all, sir? Will that be all, sir? That's all. Thank you. And the other boy... Just a minute, young man. Give this to your friend. Oh, thank you, sir. Okay, sucker. I'll tell you. Lord Kiersman. He's never proud of anybody. No. Baron's a stubborn old man. He still hasn't talked to you. He pretends he doesn't know the code. Give me that. Well, if it ain't jumping... Shh! Look, Willie, we're friends pals, remember? Sure. I like you. Here, let's go tell the fellas. No, Willie. No, they'd ruin everything. Shh! We're friends. Let's be alone. Here, have some walnuts. Are them yours? Slip this into your pocket. Geez! You know, I like walnuts better than almost anything. Shh! I'll bring you some leechy nuts. You can... You know who I've just seen? Shh! At least. That's the part that's in code. What are you doing? Cracking nuts. Guess who gave them to me? Oh, sit down. He was right out... I'll stop interrupting. But I just want to... Shut up. Well, that ain't no nice way to talk to them. Shh! Just for that, I'll keep quiet. It's a little thin. Anything in the portfolio? Just this. They're too smart to put anything on paper. Uh-huh. I'd go out and shoot it out for them, but it's so messy. I've looked all through the filing cabinet. We've got to get something on the baby or we're dead ducks. We've got to get something on the baby or we're dead ducks. Yeah, I said that. That's a recording machine that repeats what you say. You know, for a guy too fat to hold a secretary in his lap. Do you know how to work it? I'm sure you just speak into this mic and make a record. That's it. That's what? You work the machine. I'll get them to talk. This is one of the best ideas I ever had. Marvelous what you can do when you think. Okay. Lead them in. No, I can't. A chambermaid now, huh? You see, she's dangerous. We've got to get rid of her. Oh, let her go, kid. We don't want any trouble here. But that's no trouble. I put her in a trunk and sent it to my brother in California. I said, let her go. All right. We'll handle this. Uh, sit down, Colorado. Sit down. Sit down. Whatever happened to your friend? What was his name, Mr. Jackson? That fool. That embersill. He never knew when to keep his mouth shut. You were too smart for him. No, I'm alone and too weak to fight any longer. There's really nothing to fight about, honey. I'll show you what I mean. Colorado, I once made you a much-generous offer concerning this. Yes, the man. Now, I'm repeating that offer. There seems to be something missing here. The code. You get me the code to the uranium deposits in San Dimas, and I'll let you both go. You mean my uncle and me? Otherwise? Well, you know what we did to Mr. Collins. What do you mean, we? I did. Always been a little mean. When I do a job, I do it. I don't think we ought to waste time arguing between ourselves. Excuse me. All right. Well, I'll get to take it over for a minute. It's a very big decision. I don't like to be kept waiting, girl. No, we don't. Did you hear me, Colorado? Well, did you really kill Mr. Collins? Well, who do you think did it? That baby photographer, that phony detective, huh? How'd you like that? Such a neat job, an artistic job, and she thinks an amateur did it. Yes, yes. Stop taking boughs. I'm not taking any boughs. I'm still waiting, Colorado. Did you hear me? Kismet, I can't believe that you killed Mr. Collins. But I did. I killed him. I killed him. I killed him. How often do I have to see him? That doesn't. That doesn't. Stick him up. Stick him up. Easy cuddles. One move and you're a dead midget. Didn't recognize me, huh? Give me that map. Come here, baby. You'll have to be in the crossfire. Now get your friends in here. Hurry up or I'll fill you so full of holes you look like a fat clarinet. Come on, get them in here. Make it snappy. Nice work, baby. All right, boys. You can come in now. Come on. Easy does it, fellas. I got a bullet in here for each of you. And one left over in case I can still hear breathing. You know those dicks downstairs? Tell them I'm giving a little party in 14C. Hurry. Would you be all right? All right. This is my type of work. Line up against the wall. Hurry up. I got you covered. Back up all of you. I said back up. Fellas, be sensible. At least you can do it. Put your hands up. I think of that before. See this record? It's a little swing number. And you guys are going to do the swinging. Willie. What about Willie? Daddy Walnuts, I don't want to hurt you. You coward. Using your feet, huh? Sorry. Get after him. Come one step closer and I'll break this record into a thousand pieces. Wait a minute. Whose side am I down? Please, fellas. I blow my top. Get it out when I get the record. Ah, no leechy nuts. Oh, give it to me. What's up, Willie? Glad to see you. Arrest that man. He's a crook and a murderer. They're all murderers. Now, thanks. You got here just in time. What is this? One of the young fellas, a little mixed up, officer. I want you all to meet Ronnie Jackson, who's wanted by the state of California for the murder of one James Collins. Just a minute. You listen to that record and you'll see who killed James Collins. Yeah, get the record and we'll play it. Who's hooked like this? Come here. Stay here, Jim. Yes, sir. You hear this? I'll send all these guys to the cooler. I'm not having a detective's convention, but I've been doing a little sleuthing myself in the modern way with a recording machine. Need any help? Give me that record. Back away, Gremlin. All right. Gentlemen, the record you're about to hear not only clears me of a murder charge, but also exposes a tremendous international conspiracy. A conspiracy, gentlemen, which seeks to destroy civilization. Listen. He says murder, he says. Every time we kiss, he says murder, he says. They switched the records on me. Come on, buddy. No, wait a minute. Mr. Fumper. Just a minute. Give me that pocket. He has something that belongs to me. Give me that man. But it's not his. It's the Baron Montes. Ask her. Ask Carla. Let's go, killer. Well, that's about it. You know the rest. Quick trial. Carlotta never showing up. Nice deal. Reminds me. Yeah, we're late. You're late. In about five minutes, I'll be the late Ronnie Jackson. Better get going. We got tickets for this thing. Oh, fine. Remember, I'm doing this without a rehearsal. I'm too tight. Can you breathe? What's the difference? What is this thing, Doc? That is the stethoscope. Stethoscope? Still beating. Any news from the governor? Open up. Come here, son. You and I are going to take a little walk. I mean, honestly, I've... Oh, they got you too. Where are we? Well, look. You double-crosser. Why didn't you come to my trial? Where have you been? Ronnie, Ronnie, you're free. I... I'm free? Who did it? You did. With your own little keyhole camera. Look, Sam got this from Mrs. Fong, and he claims rest was just routine. My keyhole shot of the phony baron. So you're the McCoy. You know, man, I want to thank you for saving my life. Oh, it was nothing. And I did it. I knew I had it in me. Hey, maybe I was supposed to be a detective, huh? And yeah, that's it. Ronnie Jackson, the private eye. No, Ronnie. No. I think you better stick to taking baby pictures. Oh, I forgot to tell the executioner. It's all over. It's all over.