 وَأَقُولُوا فِي القُرْآنِ مَا جَاءَتْ بِهِ اَيَاتُوهُ فَهُوَ الْكَارِيمُ الْمُنْزَالُوْ وَأَقُولُوا قَالَ اللَّهُ جَلَّ جَلَالُوْهُ وَالْمُصْطَافَ الْهَاديِ وَلَا أَتْ أَوْوَالُوْ الحمد لله رب العالمين والصلاة والسلام على عبد الله ورسوله نبينا محمد وعلى آله وصحبه أجمعين السلام عليكم ورحمة الله وبركاته نبدأ with the praise of Allah and by asking Allah to exalt the mentioned grand peace to our messenger Muhammad ﷺ to his family and his companions what we're going to deal with at the beginning of this episode is the issues around obedience to the parents this is something that we have no doubt it's a part of بِر الوالدين and it's a fundamental part of بِر الوالدين we have no doubt that the word بِر itself indicates الطاعة it indicates obedience however how do we reconcile and how do we navigate the issue of obedience to our parents and the different sort of elements that are involved in that so we're going to start with a Hadith of Ab al-Dardā أن رجلا أتاه فقال إن لمرأة وإن أمي تأمرني بطلاقها قال سمعت رسول الله ﷺ يقول الوالد أوسط أبواب الجنة قال فإن شئت فأضع ذلك الباب أو إحفظ وقال حسن صحيح قال إنه حديث واثانيك قلت سمعت رسول الله ﷺ وقال إنه أوسط أبواب الجنة أوسط here it's said that أوسط it means في الوسط it means in all of the doors of jannah it's the middle one and it said that الوسط and this is very common that the word ووسط it means or أوسط it means أفضل it's the best of the doors of paradise and then he said to him so if you wish you can lose this door you can give up this door just forget about it out there like just let it go lose out on it if you wish you can lose out on it and if you wish you can keep you can you can protect it so here the interesting thing is did Abu Darda answer his question and say divorce or not divorce what you see from this is that he didn't answer his question he simply narrated a حديث from the Prophet ﷺ he said what I know from the Prophet ﷺ is the Prophet ﷺ said that the parent is أوسط أبواب الجنة the best of all of the gates of paradise that's what I know that's what I know فأضع ذلك الباب أو إحفظ so if you wish to give up this door and lose out on it if you wish to guard it and make sure that you get it so ultimately here what we have is from the statement of Abu Darda is that he didn't really answer the question but he indicated that the importance of the of obedience to the parents and he indicated that to be considered to be بار للوالدين to be considered to have you have to have obedience to them you have to have obedience to them there's no doubt about that so here we need to kind of sort this out and understand what the issues are relating to the obedience to the parents so among the scholars are those who said that when the parents tell you to do something which is واجب which Allah has told you is واجب then it is واجب for you to obey them and they said that when your parents tell you to do something which is مباح it's allowed then it's مستحب but this is not a strong opinion this is not a strong opinion so how do we reconcile this first of all if they command you to do something which is حرام if they command you to do something which is حرام then it's not permissible to obey them as Allah has said وإن جاه داك على أن تشرك بما ليس لك به علم فلا توطئهما وصاحبهما في الدنيا معروفة and if they strive to make you make a partner with me and that which you have no knowledge of do not obey them and accompany them in this world in the best way so there is no لا طاعة لمخلوق في معصية الخالق there is no obedience to creation and disobedience to the Creator but if you disobey them in this then that disobedience it has to be at the highest with the best manners the kindest words and the best behavior that's if you have to disobey them and that's if they tell you to do something حرام because as Allah has said وعبد الله ولا تشرك به شيئة وبيلوى لديه احسانة Allah has put his right first and then the right of the parents so the right of Allah is always given precedence over all of creation if they tell you to do something which is مستحب or مباح it is recommended in Islam to do it or it is مباح it's permissible to do then you have to also obey them that's the asal that's the asal that's the basic principle if they tell you to do something مستحب or مباح something which is حلال or something which is recommended you also have to obey them you also have to obey them however the scholar has made an exception in one area which doesn't involve a harm to the child so here we need to define the harm as المعتبر شرع it has to be a harm which is given proper consideration in the شريع of Islam it has to be the harm that is given a proper consideration in the شريع of Islam it can't be just that the child says oh you know like I'm gonna be harmed because I'm not going out with my friends but the ضرر which is معتبر شرع the harm which is given consideration in the شريع because the Prophet ﷺ said لا ضرر ولا درار there is to be no harm accident or deliberate there is to be no harm cause to another person so it is not allowed for the parent to tell their child to do something which brings upon them a harm in the شريع a harm which is given consideration Islamically it's not allowed for the parent to do that and if the parent commands them to do that the child has the right not to obey them again بالمعروف in the way with the best the best standard and the best the best behavior and the kindest words the most noble of words and the kindest of words and the most generous and nice words that a person can say so here we'll go back again and we'll summarize again we'll say that as for them telling you to do حرام then it's not permissible for you to obey them as for them telling you to do that which is واجب أمستحاب أموباح then you have to obey them that's the asset you obey them you should obey them and it's not like some of the scholars said that it's مستحاب to obey them here but it's واجب it's واجب to obey them here except if they tell you to do something which will bring a harm upon you that is معتبر in the شرع that is given consideration in the شرع of Islam so then how do we understand this in the matter of the famous of my mom told me to divorce my wife this is a very famous as we've heard the man who came to and he said that my mom came told me to divorce my wife there is a narration from that he told his son رضي الله عنهم he told his son to divorce his wife and he did and he did and it's also narrated that a man came to an Imam Ahmed and he asked about this and Imam Ahmed said to him that if you have nothing left in بر except this then do it if you have nothing if you have done every single kind of بر that you can do to your parents and the only thing left for you is to divorce your wife then divorce her but the reality is that this we can simply understand it in the light of whether it brings upon a daughter upon the person so a harm upon the person so if it's the case that like in the case of Umar that Umar is from the most knowledgeable of the Sahaba about the Shari'a of Allah and about what is good for the people and Umar telling his son عبد الله to divorce his wife which person is like Umar and that's why it's narrated that some of them said which of you has some of the Ulama they said in response to this which of you has a father like Umar meaning that if you have a father like Umar with that amount of knowledge and that amount of understanding and taqwa then he's not going to tell you something which is going to bring a harm upon you rather what he's telling you is for your good not for your harm however in the case of other parents they can be they can be jealousy between the mother and between the daughter in law and the mother might say if you really love me divorce her you and so on this is something which happens and that doesn't mean that the mother is now raised up to the height of Umar and now we say to her that you know what she said for her something has to be good for him rather he should ask his mother the reason for that and say what's the reason why I should divorce her or what do you think is the problem and when she explains if that is a valid Islamic reason that she says you to divorce her because I see that she doesn't wear hijab properly or I see that she is bad in the way that she treats you or I see that she has had a bad influence upon you or something like that then this he can give it consideration as for if the answer is nothing more than jealousy then this is just bringing a harm upon him and upon his wife which is an unnecessary harm and it falls under the statement of the prophet say you can't cause harm to other people and therefore he should respectfully and kindly disobey his mother on this particular on this particular issue so sheikh he limited the obedience to what is beneficial for the parent and not harmful for the child because the parent might ask that the son to do something which is harmful for them which hurts them and the son knows so the son here can respectfully disagree the daughter she can respectfully disagree in the matters where they know it's gonna harm the parents and not gonna benefit them or it's gonna harm the child so what about this issue of the father and the mother differing with each other then so in this we have a statement regarding Imam Malik a man came to Imam Malik فقال إن أبي في السودان he said my father is in a Sudan in a Sudan at that time and Allah is the best it referred to Africa in general without the specific country و يدعونني يطلبوا مني أقدمة إلي he said that he has requested me to to go to him that I should go and I should travel to him in Africa where he is و أمي تمنعوني من ذلك and my mother said don't go so what shall I do now my father says to me go to Africa my mother says don't go what do you think pause the video have a chat to the people in your family let's see how many of you come up with the answer and Imam Malik came up with so insha'Allah you had to think about it Imam Malik رحم الله تعالى he said أطع أباك ولا تعصي أمك he said obey your father but don't disobey your mother he said obey your father but don't disobey your mother and that's obviously a very it's a very clever way of putting it but we have to answer the question in a way that is clear for people and that is that the scholars have differed over this issue because some of them took the hadith of the mother being three times more deserving of companionship and they said that this would indicate that the mother should be given precedence in this and others they said rather this hadith it talks about excellent companionship and it doesn't necessarily talk about the issue of obedience per se obviously obedience is a part of that but it doesn't necessarily say that the mother or indicate that the mother is deserving of obedience more than the father and Allah is the best but that's what seems to be the correct opinion that the father has the right of being the head of the household and his decisions take precedence over those of the mother because in the first place the father has that authority that Daraja over his wife وَلِ الرِجَالِ عَلَيْهِنَّ دَرَجَةَ the man has a degree of responsibility over his wife in that regard and likewise the man is the one who is the one who is the one who is the one who is the one who is the one who is the one who is the one who is the one who is the one who is responsible for his wife and his children and therefore in terms of him being the welly the one in charge the one responsible then his is the decision that is binding at the end of the day but the first methodology or the first step should be to reconcile between the two ألقع أباك ولا تعصي أمك obey your father but don't disobey your mother at the same at the same time so now we come to another issue and that is the issue of الإنفاق على الوالد or الإنفاق على الوالدين spending upon your parents what's the ruling of spending upon your parents and what's the ruling of the parents taking the child's money what's the ruling of spending on the parents and what's the ruling of taking the child's money and for this we have a حريث the حريث is عن جابر بن عبد الله ربي الله عنهما أن رجل قال يا رسول الله إن لي مالا وولد وإن أبي يريد أن يجتا حمالي فقال أنت ومالك لأبيك رواه من ماجه جابر بن عبد الله قال that the a man came to the message of Allah صلى الله عليه وسلم and he said I have money and I have children and my father wants to take that money he wants to take that money from me the prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم said أنت ومالك لأبيك you and your money are permissible for your father and here the lamb here doesn't mean you belong as such but it's it's allowed for your father however the of Islam they have some conditions and a sheikh he spoke about this and we can summarize it into three areas that we need to talk about so the first is that the parent has the right for the child to spend upon them and to use their wealth for them under certain conditions the first condition is that the parent has a haja حاجة الوالد إلى ذلك that parent has a need for it as for him taking that wealth for no need or demanding that his children pay for things for him without there being a need then this appears that this is not from the things that he can demand to take the children's money if he doesn't have a need for it but if he has a need for it then we come to the second issue that there is no there is no درار there is no harm upon the child in that so if the child is left hungry or the child is left having to beg or the child is forced to lie or to cheat because of the they lost their money then this is not permissible because of the statement of the prophet say there is no harm either deliberate or accidental and the third condition is that it should not be oppressive and there should be it should be with with fairness and justice and it should not be done to oppress like to take the wealth of one child to give it to the other child or to take the wealth of one child in order to put pressure on them because you don't like what they've done for example so it should not be the reason for the request should not be a voulm oppression and the way that the money is used should not be with voulm it should not be with oppression and if those conditions are fulfilled then this is when the parent has the right for their child to spend upon them they have a hajj for that a need for it and there's not a darora it's not a necessity but a hajj they have a need for it we're not saying that the parent is at a stage where they have nothing left to eat and they're in a state so they're being completely poor but they have a hajj they have a need for it and it doesn't harm their child to give it either the harm to the child that is the the shara'i harm doesn't happen to the child and that it's not being taken for the purpose of oppression either to take it from them to push them into doing something or to take it from them to give to another to give to another child and our mother عايش she narrated from the prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم that he said صلى الله عليه وسلم إن أولادكم هبتوا الله لكم يهبوا لي مية شاء وإناثا ويهبوا لي مية شاء وذكور فهم وأموالهم لكم إذا حتجتم إليها عايش she narrated from the prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم that he said that your children are a gift from Allah to you and then he recited يهبوا لي مية شاء وإناثا ويهبوا لي مية شاء وذكور الله gives whoever he wants females and gives whoever he wants male children I as a gift and we had mentioned this before in the topic of children so they and their wealth is allowed for you إليكم it's for you if you have a need for it إذا حتجتم إليها when you have a need for it and so here the prophet صلى الله عليه وسلم he limited this and he restricted it to the time when there is a need for the parent where the parent has a need for it as for the parent just taking it like that then we say that no this is not what is indicated by the text the text indicated there should be حاجة الوالد إلي ذلك the parent should have a need for it so now we come to the issue of الوالد إلي if the parents are passed away and here we're talking about the muslim parent now during the lifetime وصاحبهما في الدنيا معروفة if they're non-muslim be around them accompany them give them good companionship in the dunya as for when they die then their rights cease Allahumma except one and that is if there is no one left to bury them if there is nobody left to bury them except the muslim child then they have a right for the muslim child to bury them and that's taken from the narration of Ali Bin Abi Talib when the prophet told him to go and bury his father because there was nobody who would take that responsibility and there was no one else to take that responsibility except him so here the rights of the non-muslim parents they cease at the time of death when they pass away they have no more right from you except that one that is mentioned from Ali Bin Abi Talib which is that if there is nobody else that is willing to take their funeral arrangements responsible for for burying them then the muslim child can take the responsibility for doing that without any other religious practices not in the way that other religions do as for the muslim parent no they continue after the parent dies and from this we have a hadith of Ali Bin Omar رضي الله عنهما the messenger of Allah ص.ه.ا said that the prophet ص.ه.ا said من أبر البر from the greatest examples of bir and يصل الرجل أهل ودي أبيه بعد أن يولي that for a person to keep good ties with the people that his father loved after he had passed away and the hadiths ص.ه.ا and others ص.ه.ا look at how amazing that the level of bir الوالدين is that even when the father passes away that the the son or the daughter looks after the friends of the father the people who the father was friends with and the people who the father loved and was close to they still keep ties with them and they still look after them and they give them they take care of them they even take care of their father's friends and their mother's friends after they pass away and أبي أسيد مالك بالربيع السعدي he said بين نحن عند رسول ص.ه.ا إذ جاءه رجل من بني سلمة فقال he said that when we were with the messenger of Allah ص.ه.ا أمان من بني سلمة came and he said he said يا رسول الله هل بقية من بير أباوي شيء أبر روهما به بعد موتهما he said او مسجع of Allah is there anything left after my parents pass away that I can do bir towards them بير الوالدين after they pass away قال نعم he said yes الصلاة عليهما you can make dua for them و الاستغفار لهم and you can ask forgiveness for them و انفاذوا عهدهما and you can fulfill the promises or the agreements that they have made من بعدهما after they have passed away و الصلاة الرحم التي لا توصلوا إلا بهما and you keep ties with the family members that the link between you and them is through the parents و اكراموا صديقهما and that you are generous and kind to their friends so of the علماء they said this حديث is حديث و ضعيف it has a weakness in it however the points mentioned are all valid the points mentioned are all valid and it's an excellent summary of the points in terms of what you can do for the parent after they pass away so first of all you can make dua for them you can seek forgiveness for them you can fulfill the promises and oaths that they had made after they die you can keep ties with the relatives that the ties between you and them are your parents so the parents is the reason why you keep those ties and you can be good to their friends and the people that they and the people that they loved and as we said some of the علماء they mentioned that this حديث has a weakness in it but the principle is valid and we can add to that also صدقه on their behalf and الحج and العمره on their behalf these are also mentioned in other a حديث of the messenger صلى الله عليه وسلم so that's what we have time for in this episode in the next episode we're going to talk about how the سلف الصالح رحمهم الله used to do بير الوالدين some examples of بير الوالدين in the self so أمثلة examples of بير الوالدين in the سلف الصالح رحمهم الله تعالى and I found that to be an amazing topic when I was researching it so we hoped that it will be of benefit for everyone that's what Allah made easy for me to mention and Allah knows best والصلاة والسلام على بين محمد وعلى آله وصحبه أجمعي السلام عليكم if you're enjoying these videos and you'd like to keep up to date with all of the courses we're going to be running make sure you head over to amauathome.com