 We have things that come with broadcasting, but it's not easy to know, that is not easy to adapt with. That is usually very difficult for those who are not used to them, but in a bidi, you live in a kwaivo. So it's been good since morning, we started with giggles, there was strength of a woman, and now it's discussion of the day. And as I promised you, we are going to do long distance relationship, does it really work in the first place? Is it even a relationship when one is here in Kenya and the other is in London? No, let me just put it closer, when one is in Limuru and the other is in Mombasa, does it really work? This is what we are going to talk about today, the long distance relationship. And with me, to help me demystify this, are two beautiful ladies on the set. One is Lilian Mora. Good morning. Are you Lilian Mora or Lilian Thomas? Both. Both are there. Lilian Mora, Lilian Thomas, Thomas is my father. Tell me everything about you, what you do, the social media handles and all that. Okay, so my name is Lilian Thomas. I am an agriculturalist by virtue of education, but in terms of work I am more of a media practitioner. I am a presenter at a certain agricultural media station. So basically that's what I do. I am a presenter, digital farmer support, managing social media pages, and my social media pages everywhere I am Lilian Thomas. So you started agriculture and you are not practicing it? No. This beauty to agriculture. Agriculture is about getting dirty. Agriculture is about sweating out there. How did you choose this course for yourself? Oh, good that you know our system. You choose and then went to a course. So you report for the course. So honestly, Lilian, you don't like everything about agriculture. You are diverted to media. You did that for your parents and now you are doing what you like. I am an agricultural media company. So it's basically more or less something on the same lane. So it's not like I have completely abandoned agriculture. What you don't do is you don't sweat. You are a complete opposite of the next person who is Miss Obengue. It's not your first time here and I like the fact that you keep on coming back because you are smart up here. Yes, you are smart. You are smart also. You have brains. So Miss Obengue, tell us about yourself. Max Riles Joshua is my name. You can call me Miss Obengue. Joshua is my father actually. Oh. Joshua Obengue. Oh, okay. That's my father. You usually call me Obengue or not. I'm Riles Max Joshua, student of political science, international relations and diplomacy. Right now I'm a political consultant and we here in Nairobi social media handles Riles Obengue across our platforms. Are you saying that you are a political consultant so 22 is nearing? Of course it's nearing. If you want to buy, buy and the people will decide for you. But you're a consultant. You can advise them on how to campaign and all that. My social media handles Riles Obengue across our platforms. You're avoiding my question. Oh no. Before this you told me that you can physically farm and tender crops. Yeah. That's how I was brought up. No, I didn't study agriculture. But I was brought up in the farm in the middle of the village. I think there's a problem. All that comes with it. I think there's a problem with our education system because you know two of you are here. Somebody studied agriculture and it's not practicing it. Somebody didn't study agriculture at all. And it's practicing it. But really practicing it. But that is okay. There are different fronts of life. So where it places you is where you stay. Then you maximise your potential right there. Yeah. I love that. Now let's get to this elephant in the room that is along this town. We are going to start with you. Can it work? Yes, it can work. But most people say as long as the four of you are in agreement. These four are the other side with the pair and you this side with the pair. Long distance relationships can work only if you build trust between yourselves. You can't be communicating every day. You share several things. You give yourselves the allowances you need. But the challenge comes when it gets to matters of the flesh. It becomes different now. You can't keep saying that on phone every time. There is just a point where you have to meet. And talking of long distance relationships we are talking about Kisumu and Mombasa. We are talking about someone in Minnesota and the other one is in the middle of Kisi. You want to tell this person you need to meet every month. You need to be, we can't talk things out. We can't be talking every single day. But it reaches a point where we draw the line and then you ask, so it works if you build trust but it reaches a point where you say this doesn't go and then you get to look for a deputy. So it is, to you it can work, it cannot work. It's a choice to make it work. You said the physicality makes it but now we are coming back to Lillian Thomas. I don't know whether you have any experience with long distance relationships so I am saying that 75% of couples who are people in relationships have at least tried it. You know that is who paying 3 quarters. Are you among the 75% Lillian Thomas? I will back like 2 years ago. What happened? Tell us this. I don't want to go into details but I mean Nairobi and he was in Kisumu. You call that distance relationship? That is long distance. Let me tell you Oguda I have come to a point where I was talking to a friend of mine last week and he was telling me the girlfriend is in Ngong. The guy is in Saika and then he told me he hasn't seen the girlfriend for like 2 months. Ngong and Saika. But it's Nairobi. You guys are within Nairobi but I am telling you I am not of 14 long distance but I think that is the choice. Are you seeing love there? It is a choice exactly. You see what Rayla said about trust. Again another issue comes about security. You find some people are insecure. So me if I am here in Nairobi you are in Kisumu in my head I am always thinking what is he doing? Is he meeting up with other people? There is he have another girlfriend who is coming to his place. Not only girls. Not girls. Yeah but I think it's all about security. Other than trust it's about security. Am I insecure? Am I a person who will sit down and I am thinking my partner is cheating? My partner is in Kengini is in your house. So I start making calls. People who are very clingy so I start making calls. Over and over again I just want to confirm. Let's do a video call. I want to see if there is someone in your house. Let's do this video call. I want to know where you are. I want to know where you are. Build me the location. Can it really work if it has started that way? Like if that amount of insecurity has cropped him I think that shows the beginning of the and beginning of the and you refuse to tell me what really happened with you. I will come back to it. What happened? Was it also about insecurity? Was it about mistrust or what really happened? Also for me I think it was more of communication. Communication we were not on the same page. You find you see for a long distance relationship to work I believe communication has to be in place. So it will be more of if I am supposed to check on you in the morning tell you what I will be doing for the day. Let me be on the note at a point where I start making assumptions of what you are doing or what I am doing. Let you be on the note. This is what I am planning for the day. I am going to Y254. After Y254 I will be doing this. I will be doing this. I will be held up during the day. I will talk to you. Just like the whole time you have to say in the morning what you will be doing because let me tell you you don't tell a lady that. We will tell ourselves. At some point we will tell you what we are doing and what we are doing and then we will start having issues that don't adapt. This is why I doubt if this can really work. Rachel do you have an experience with this so that we also see if you have a story to tell about it. Long distance relationship. I have tried it once. It worked for long enough. What is long enough? And then it decided to stop working and when something stops working you decide to leave it if you cannot repair a broken radio now you let it stay. Communication is key just as she said. When you communicate too much it becomes a problem. What I want with you is if you have an experience with this so what really happened how long did it last because I want personal experience. How long did it work and then what happened because we want to know practically 2 years. Where was he? The guy spent 2 years in Saishyos and I decided to find a new beauty because he cheated. Okay I wasn't cheating I felt like I was cheating on something Yes you were cheating No that was a beauty You were cheating on your own life If you have too much work what do you do? You get to find a helper right? You get his duty to 7.0 Of course because he wasn't there and there were things that were going down so what was I supposed to do? Well it worked for some time because we were in constant communication and then he decided to get so busy to a point that we were communicating enough Yes and then he got too busy so we were not communicating enough and communication went down and collapsed and in my mind I assumed that here is something better to do so I should find something else to do By the time it was 2 years I was celebrating another 9 months in another relationship It couldn't just It wasn't making sense and then he came back and was like So you replaced me? Yes I did Ah I replaced you too Like it wasn't working after all It is assumed that those who are abroad no mostly it works when the guy is abroad and the lady is here Is at home? Yes he is at home and I know why Kenyan ladies I know something about Kenyan ladies that you really love money We are patient with those who are abroad for 2 years so when he is sending when he is sending it is just okay when he is sending money everything is just okay You think so Ya but I know us I know my sisters I know you with money No it is not about money I told you about the flesh man can you stay for 2 years every cycle comes and goes and you are like when are you coming back? Okay Lillian tell me something You see people have different love languages Yes Kunam tu love language ya ke it's touch Yes How do you expect this person to stay for 2 years? But you do video calls No no no no no Thank you so much Like something as little as just touching the hand small things, hagin it just makes them happy and then you interakumambia long distance relationship for 2 years and you expect it to work for them for some people it can't even 2 years is not even long enough I have a shimeji I have a cousin who went abroad for 11 years 11 but he left the wife at home Who had a backup? There was no backup You can never be tissue And he is so sure everything was the backup There was no backup 11 years and my shimeji is still there we celebrate her because we believe nothing happened she was not caught somebody told me that there is an 11th commandment created by the devil 11th and 12th 11 says now shall not be caught and the 12th says if you are caught deny, deny, deny But then let's say this I think it's working for them because it is a marriage setup when you enter into marriage you know I am committed to this it has to work there's no other way about it we just have to make it work the way they already had some kids exactly it's a marriage setup but now me, me too why another meditating someone I am not seeing for 2 years what's the essence but you call each other every day until you meet her some time from this time to this time we are video calling and doing your things you see how long distance kissing the screen we've talked about this communication we talked about trust we talked about security and then now when you are in a long distance relationship I think it's time you start planning we have to be meeting at this time like after one month we have to be meeting because other than that you guys will lose track of what is happening I remember my ex used to tell me there's a time he came to Nairobi like I went to Kisumu in August I came back to Nairobi so August, September, October some day he just texted me aqua like huja wa ikuja Kisumu you don't want to know what's going on with my life we are not meeting up you don't know what is going on you know there's a lot that can go on kwa simu kwa simu neza kwen bia niku sawa you know alafu nawewe muna kwa na kisumu kusumu is not fights 1,000 bob using her bus or if you flights about 7,000 why did you go to kusumu what were you doing in Nairobi nawe I was held up with work so every time you're planning no no no every time you're planning I'll come next weekend something comes up I'll come next weekend something comes up and then you see someone getting disappointed it's like you're not fully devoted to this you're not fully committed to this so unapatapia yeye ananzakulu's interest they start with the drawing what's just how you fall apart let's come to you Rachel on this whole relationship thing this how love is nachad this how it's especially communication the fact that now you are more communicating when this relationship says that you are more communicating than when you are in physically there why don't we use this platform like the communication the advanced communication to make the relationship flourish why couldn't you just use that okay from the beginning when nature in a relationship first distance should be considered you get a point where you met someone online and then they're going to stay there for the next 7 months before coming to meet you for the first time maybe or for the second or third time so you keep chatting but down here you know your life is going on once you switch off your data once your phone is off once connection is off it's a whole lot of something else it's a totally different life so before we get to long distance we need to make a relationship from physical basis you get to know someone you get to build that trust you get to have spend time together so that when he is away at least you have memories to cling on when he is away you have something to be thinking about but when you start a relationship and then 2 months or 3 months into the relationship he goes away you're like well we didn't build such a strong bond anyway so if he goes I can't continue with what I was doing before him and then when he comes back we'll pick from there so you keep communication when you send the laughing emojis but your face is like you know you keep pretending you ever just are laughing but you somewhere are crying and he is making a very nice story and then when the video calls you are you fine yeah fine I was sleep but your eyes are so much sunken so getting to build a relationship before it gets to long distance it needs quasi physical contact so that you get to know someone so well to a point you can read messages high high you're good you're like something is wrong you get to know a person Hava relationship coach she teaches family life in SDHR she told me that what happens with the long distance relationship beauty of it is that every time you meet your visitors to each other there's something new yeah something new and very beautiful like when maybe I'm in Nairobi oh let's use Lilian's example she's in Nairobi the guy is in Kizumu when she goes to Kizumu it's like wageni wame kutana everything is very good and flourishing likewise when the guy comes here and so it's with that way done like saying you are always together so I don't know maybe it's the ratio of meeting can we because this relationship like it's not you are apart forever it's not like you are apart forever you are just apart sometimes can we set the limits like we should be apart for such a given time say two months of work then we come back together can you try setting this time ratio and come back to Lilian let's start with you factors dictating the time spent away are so many it can be your choice like I am here in Nairobi the guy is at home you know where home is he is not in Nairobi so I am here in Nairobi the guy is at home and then he says right what you do after two weeks come home on Friday and then you will get back on Sunday that he can dictate right and then someone let me just use minasota and kiss it someone is in minasota working there has a particular schedule and then you want to tell this person you know after four months you should be flying home we want to meet and then the guy says this is a relationship this is not a marriage the guy says after every four months I will be flying from minasota that is two thousand dollars quite expensive for an air ticket two thousand dollars and you are coming home to where there is no investment to where there is no business to where there is no money and that is the money you want to make there and then you say no I can't be going home every two months or three months or four months to see a woman when I have better things to do like making money and there are also women that others and there are women here so you know matter of dictating whether we are going to meet after a particular time quite hard people some people have unpredicted schedule so na pigiwa to simuna jio next week to nanda place fulani and then you are going there to spend the entire weekend and then next that same weekend you were supposed to be home so this this is where understanding comes in you need to have a very understanding partner who you will tell you know our schedule was this way but it was changed so I might not be coming home alafu mimi kama randakumia sasa umenda kuwa na wanawake that is why you don't want to come home it's called jumping to conclusion it's a topic we are discussing so umenda kuwa na wanawake that is why you don't want to come home and then it is even worse when you plan twice or thrice and this is on the month's side you plan to come you fail a schedule you plan to come again you fail and the third time you plan to come you fail nimi nime chokana wewa honestly I get tired because it's not going to work that way or you get to say siu hame siu wa shekazi when in that state of disappointment and anger you get to say a lot of things that you might regret afterwards Liliya next come to you Saiyan says that 37% hooping that 7% of distanced relationship condistanced relationship when they reunite they separate within 3 months like when they come back when they get physical now the physicality that you want now you want them to be physically present Rachel calls their matters flesh within 3 months they separate don't you now think that it's better we have online relationship because it in fact another say 60% of them flourish Obida let me first pick it from Ryle's end and then I answer what you have asked so I think for cases like the one she's giving Minnesota Kenya Minnesota Kisi I think one of the biggest constraints is financial it is a big problem especially when someone is really far away and you're thinking booking the ticket finances become a problem but then again the thing about meeting there's something we call compromise there's something we call compromise kabisa still as you might when yae anakuja kama we wunae zahenda your schedule then is flexible and he can afford to pay your ticket instead for you to go you'd rather go instead of yae haja kuja wajua zilevita dogon dogo yae anakuja yae haja kuja so you get to balance yes you get to balance so you get to balance it doesn't really give him the time to do that so I can just step in and go it wouldn't make you any less of a person because you love the person there's something you mentioned about coming back to when you unite when you graphically or physically unite you separate again why now? there's something you said about how when you meet in a kuanga all flow honey moon everyday when you meet in a kuanga you have expectations when you're going to meet it's supposed to be a moment we cherish because it had to be done for a while but I come I have expectations you have expectations your expectations are not met whatever you had in mind you get disappointed now the thing about to kisha kanawewe umerudi to me resettle for like 3 months I told you over the phone we can be totally different people all happy, all nice you know sometimes when I am like no baby it's okay I understand it's okay babe I don't have an issue it's okay babe let me tell you to kisha kanawewe my patience itaisha you do something else now nijam by the way nijam serias nijam muka like this is not the person I knew the person I knew is a really calm girl a very silent person very understanding who you dame ame change we will see the narrative so the narrative start exactly unandoksa mani me change oh the narrative she is rude it's because you hadn't met me in physical contact I can't pretend for 3 months I can't even pretend for a whole week it's too long because I am welcoming you you know I'll be all nice and nice kisha you do something and I'm like I actually don't like people leaving socks at the door when you get to the house what I was like kwa kwa kwa kwa laundry baskets kwa kwa kwa washroom and then I'm like I actually don't like someone leaving the toilet seat up kindly please we rude shachina you see I can't pretend for way too long and in the moment I start showing my true self like this is what I prefer this is what not I prefer it is totally different from what you knew from online kuna jamacha chi etu ali mari on a Sunday so when it came to sabath I worship on Saturdays when it came to sabath now when I was welcoming him in front of the congregation what he said was that to umbe now I kuna changamoto sabath now I kuna changamoto sabath and he has been married for six days married for six days so don't you think Rachel coming back to you that the best now the best way of staying is to kutane for two days uru di kwenyuli kuwan for another two months kutane again for two days three days uru di don't you think this now is what makes for ever idea thing work for you fine for me no explain before the show when I was talking to you there are things I personally as Rachel cannot do one is being in a long distance relationship what I saw in my relationship I'd rather stay single I'd rather stay single I'd rather stay single than get into a long distance relationship it has several temptations so if we have to meet for two days and then you get to go you call that a relationship it's not going to work for me it's not going to work because every time well getting it getting good once again you make it feel like it's new and then you are gone and it's going to become boring because that is the routine you are going to set it's going to be a routine say atakuja tuna end and then it becomes boring but there is a point akikuja kuna seem na fanyu everything all you want before me say here times as a kihagati you romanticize but where I draw the line is where it now becomes a routine you know in a relationship for you to keep it on top things must be unpredictable you don't have to be a predictable person so when you say you get yourself a schedule of in takuana kuja after two months so that we don't stay together to know each other that deep why should you know each other to unact the terrible secrets of the things doing when you are away for you to get to be patronizing and control me we don't stay together for that long and then we don't stay away for long enough to let you start thinking I'm cheating I'd rather stay single let you know you far away let me just finish please you far away I am expected to be faithful you are required to be faithful by law especially when you are a lady I am expected to be faithful I'm not required to be faithful I'm expected to be faithful and it reaches a point when you're going to disappoint you're flatching with someone just flatching you're getting to talk to someone and then to beat the board up you're meeting up taking coffee you're not sleeping together so I cannot take coffee with you because I'm in a relationship right? is that right I shouldn't take coffee with you because I'm in a relationship you should not take coffee with another man being in a relationship doesn't mean there is a theory called the symbolism theory by somebody called George somebody that there are things that symbolizes things like coffee symbolizes romance you are taking coffee with another person and your relationship is wrong because my life should not go on when you are away my life should not continue the two days when you are meeting no if you are talking about Netflix and rain I can understand but when you are talking about coffee my life should go on when you are away and when you come back those are the things that are going to make us break up three months after you are back some things that I was doing that you didn't expect me to do and then you get disappointed and you call it quits what? okay finish that and add for me something about we are human, we have flaws when we are once apart you don't really see my flaws I only come to you and I'm prepared to talk to you always good things nothing negative or very minimally negative so you don't see a lot of my flaws you idolize me you dream of me as very perfect person don't you think this enhances relationship finish with what you wanted to say then jump to this I think I really understand which Riley is talking about it let me call it an entanglement that was interrelationship for sure there was this guy I was seeing that guy works like something with national security so he'd be like Saturday after church we meet up on Sunday we meet up and then he's like I'm going to a job actually I'm going to a job I'm going to a job I'm going to a job so it used to happen he goes 2-3 weeks he's not in Kenya communication is gone 3 weeks he's dying but he's going to a job he's going to a future those 3 weeks when you're in a relationship 3 weeks you don't make an effort of even texting or anything because something deletion when you end up in a routine you say to yourself I'm going to a job it's become a routine you see the way she's saying about routine routines are boring no one likes routine I say to myself I'm going to a job I'm going to a job I'm going to a job I'm going to a job and then he wants us to keep doing that over and over again and then you see me I talk to everyone my social life will continue 3 weeks my social life is going on waking up besides you every day don't you think that is also boring that is why mnambuongwa in marriage you have to do something to spice it up spice it up or else it's also boring especially as a salon distance after 3 weeks we can't it's boring we can't do that routines we can't do that no I don't see what kind of ladies it is I found somebody reading a very big book on how to how to fully satisfy a lady that is volume 1 volume 1 was was big this way it came up with nothing because you don't want the routine my coming after 3 weeks you don't want me to wake besides you every day you don't want me to stay away forever you don't want me to be with you forever now what shall I do now what shall I do find a middle ground what is the middle ground what is the middle ground tell me the ideal middle ground it is not a middle ground it is you being unpredictable so every time you come up with something new which I will never come up so it's you to come up with something interesting when you come one time we go to a fan park we go to the planning you call it a weekend or you call it a week no that week we had fun then there is another week when you come some other time we keep staying indoors all that time you stay indoors all that time and then another week you come sit on a family you come up with something new some new idea so that it doesn't get to be but you can't stand to eat say something for those who are trying want to venture in long distance relationship or those who are already in them say something that's your camera long distance relationships will work if you build trust between yourselves and then you get to lower your expectations much on each other but if you have so many expectations and then you trust less when you trust the other person less then it might not work because every time you are living there in suspicion every time you are living there thinking about the negatives of the other person so build trust within yourselves and you will have a good way thank you you are also going to tell us your last remarks you are camera one okay added to trust make sure you are very good in communication your security is way above the level and then there is compromise and then I think the thing that holds everything make sure you are very intentional about the relationship once you are intentional about what you want how you need it to work it will work oh good people may be world apart people may be world apart but you know when you are in real love your hearts will be together so what you do just work on communication and trust us my sisters trust can work trust doesn't work in fact 60% according to sounds works so if you are love somebody in UK of this somebody in USA that loves let's run let's start it for now by everybody who made this possible the technical, the transmission the production team salute