 Well, hello and welcome to Understand Men Now. I'm Jonathan Asley of JonathanAsley.com. And I'm so excited to be doing this live stream for you today. Our topic, the five secrets, big secrets, men don't tell women that they like. These are big secrets that we don't tell you. And number four is a private one. Sorry about that. Looks like I had the live stream going on and another thing. So anyway, all right. So really quickly, if you're new to my YouTube channel, please hit the subscribe button, hit the bell so you can be notified of new content. And if during this live stream or if you're watching the recording, if I say something that resonates with you, please hit that like button so I know that this is helping you. And also, if people get to see this because it goes in their queue. All right, for those who know me, I jump right into the topic and then I go into the Q&A. So for those who are watching the replay, this is all gonna be content in the beginning and then we'll jump into the Q&A. So really quickly, I'm gonna dive into the things you don't expect men to be thinking about because to the extent that this is secret, I'm actually going to lean into something a little bit different that is more about the subconscious things that are going on inside a man's head. So these aren't necessarily in their conscious mind. This is in their subconscious mind. Now you might've been thinking the big secrets that men are have with women that they like, that they like women with standards and they like women with boundaries and they like women who are independent. Sure, for that conscious, high value guy who's emotionally mature, he's got his stuff together. He certainly has that on his conscious mind. What I'm gonna lean in today is the average man. The average man represents the majority of the population. So, and as I share these, these will start to make sense to you. All right, so number one is that the first thing, and again, this is all subconscious. Men aren't necessarily thinking about this. This is secret, it's in their subconscious mind, is that unless a man is marriage-minded, unless a man is marriage-minded, he actually has no effing clue of what commitment looks like. Let me repeat that. If a man isn't marriage-minded, the average man, the majority of men, I should say, have really no clue what commitment looks like, okay? Now, part of this is because when we're in our 20s and 30s, those men that are on the hunt for a wife, they're on the hunt for a wife because they seek someone to make babies with and raise a family. So, they actually have an agenda and they're looking at a woman from wife perspective, okay? Now, for the demographic that I lean into is that midlife, which is after baby making years and before retirement, so for those that are in their 40s, 50s and 60s, the reality is that 75% of that population, most roughly 75% of the single and looking population of men and women are divorced. And because they're divorced, very few men as well as women understand the complexities of how to blend one life and another life together, how to blend one life and another life together. So, one of the first secrets men have is they really have no clue what commitment looks like. And incidentally, so few of you women do as well. I'll be candid with you. And I say this because you all think of relationships at the 40,000 foot level, at the fantasy level, at the Disney level of what it looks like, but very few of you really understand the mechanics to a healthy, happy relationship, a juicy, delicious, healthy, happy relationship. Everyone knows I like to say juicy and delicious. So, what's it gonna take to learn that? I continually recommend this book over and over and I highly, I'm gonna do it pretty much every video I do. I want you to check out the book. Here we go, Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Eight Dates by Dr. John and Julie Gottman. Why do I want you to check out this book? Because it teaches you the mechanics of what a relationship looks like. And when I understand, when I say mechanics is understanding what does commitment look like in a relationship? How do you navigate money in relationship? How do you navigate sex in relationship? How do you navigate time with family and friends? You know, it's interesting. I wanna share everyone a meme I saw and this just is going on a sidetrack. But this is a meme I saw the other day. This is for parents who are thinking about having children. Before the baby arrives, this is what they're thinking about. This is parents that are, what stroller they're gonna buy, what car seat they're gonna buy, what newborn photos they're gonna take, what baby names they're gonna come up with, what's their birth plan and what's their budget for a nursery. That's what most couples think about. So, okay, this is what they should be thinking about. How do we parent our children together? How do we deal with getting up in the middle of the night? How do we deal with sleep deprivation? How do we deal with our grandparents and friends and all that stuff and school? Very few couples, okay, this is before the baby arrived, have no, relatively no clue and they focus more on the surface things and that's what happens in the dating realm. Most humans are so hyper focused on the surface. Is he romancing me? Is he taking me out on a date? Where is he taking on my a date? If he pays for a date, I feel valued. If he takes the lead, I feel valued. It's all the surface level things in a relationship and not the mechanics to build and co-create. Let me repeat that. The mechanics to build and co-create a healthy happy relationship. And by the way, folks, I repeat myself just for emphasis purposes not because I think you are all clueless, okay? So, understanding that men are rather clueless. Why is this important to know? Because ladies, many of you just give your power away expecting men to lead the relationship and then you're wondering why is the top search terms? Why are men commitment phobic? Why do men ghost? Why do men disappear? This is why before you ever get really knee deep in a relationship, maybe a better way to say this knee deep, I was gonna say something kind of crude but before you give your heart away, before the penis gets to go inside the vagina, maybe the two of you should be reading this book. Maybe you should talk about this book before you ever go out on a first date with some men. And this is why I'm a big proponent of this. So, understand that the one subconscious thing most men have, again, these are non-marriage minded men. You know, it's interesting. A lot of my contemporaries who are dating or relationship coaches are predominantly younger people. They got married in their 30s. They're raising a family and these were all men and they're either men who are marriage minded or these are women who are with men who are marriage minded, okay? Now, those of us in midlife know it's a cluster fuck out there. Dating really fucking sucks. It's a pain in the ass because of what I'm about to share today. So, I don't blow smoke up your ass trying to convince you that men are chivalrous and they're gonna claim you and all you have to do is be in your feminine and lean back because that's all you need to do to attract a great guy. Ladies, it's not just about being in your feminine energy and quite frankly, I'm not a big fan of feminine energy. I'm more of a fan of empowered energy. You being in your powered sovereignty, being in your self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem, take out the gender. Yes, you're a female and yes, I'm, for example, I'm a male but rather than put it on feminine and masculine, just say you're an empowered human being. This is why I highly recommend everybody reading my book, What the Heck is Self-Love Anyway. Because guess what? As I'm gonna share pretty soon, you're gonna find out that the vast majority of people don't really love themselves, truly love themselves and they're doing little or no work loving on themselves. And this is why, you know, all the narratives that you're hearing are even the John Gray that pheromones is what makes the relationship work and it's biology and caveman stuff. That's a crock. Yes, these are all the temporary little things that make a relationship work. It's all the reverse psychology bullshit that makes a relationship. Temporarily enter in relationship. I wanna teach everyone who's following my work the deeper things to be concerned about, the roots to building a healthy, happy, juicy, delicious relationship. Is this sinking in? Please let me know if it's sinking in by hitting that like button so I know it's sinking in. Okay, number two, gotta put on my trusty glasses. This is really critical. Most men have unhealed childhood wounds or even adult traumas, which it's why it's hard for them to express their feelings. And it's why emotional responsibility from a woman from a man's point of view is so hard. I said a mouthful. By the way, it's Friday night. It's happy hour time. I have my Moscow Mule. For those that are watching, I have my Moscow Mule. Mm. Oh, that feels so good. Who's gonna party tonight? Those who know me know I like to do a little bit of the herb so I'll be doing a little bit of this later on today if anyone catches my drift. I live in California so it's quite legal here. All right, let's go back to those childhood wounds and adult traumas. The reality is is most humans have suffered either childhood wounds or traumas that have created negative patterns or limiting beliefs in their life that cause them to choose unhealthy relationships. That's number one. Or they have adult traumas that can significantly affect their life. Adult traumas include job loss, job changes, stress in the job, divorce, the stresses of alimony and child support and visitation rights and all that kind of stuff. Could be elderly parents. Could be in my case, for those who know that's my son Connor who passed away. Talk about a big fucking trauma I've dealt with. And I was in the jacuzzi the other day at my complex and one of the women says, why are you single? And I go, I've been in mourning. It's been hard for me to actually lean into a relationship with someone because to some extent, Connor didn't mean to leave this earth. I know, well, maybe his spirit did. But I felt abandoned. So it takes a lot more trust for me to lean into someone after this has happened. And this is just my experience. How many of you have experienced, some of you are widowers, some of you have been betrayed in your relationship. Some of you have, some of you have been, you've betrayed them in your relationship. There's all kinds of nuances that makes this a very challenging thing. So going back to men, one of the challenges most men have is because they struggle expressing their feelings. And the byproduct of that is that we struggle with the emotional responsibility of your feelings. Let me repeat that. We struggle with the emotional responsibility of your feelings. This is why self love, I keep repeating myself over and over is so important because here in the United States in particular, you know, we've literally been conditioned, I need you to love me so I can feel good about myself. I mean, ladies, you're all suckling on that nipple of you need men to love you for you to feel good about yourself. This is why you lament over and over about the wrong guy because you got attached to someone who doesn't even love themselves, which is really a reflection oftentimes, oftentimes is a reflection of you not loving yourself. When you're in your empowered self, you don't take, you don't choose men who are in this category. Now, sadly, and I say this again, the vast majority of population have done little work to heal their childhood wounds and traumas. This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading this book, the Hoffman process. This is such a deep dive. If you haven't read this book and if you haven't started, then what business do you have being in relationship if you haven't healed your own stuff? So, and I'm yelling at the top of my lungs, not because I'm an angry person. I'm yelling because just like a child is about to touch fire, I'm here, I don't want you to step into the fire and burn yourself. In addition, I'm very parental. So this is the child. This is me being parental to you with that child. But I'm also your big brother. I don't want you to choose the wrong men over and over and over again. So these are some of the things you have to face with is men who have childhood wounds and unhealed traumas. Okay, number three, oh, this is a big one. So, you know it's interesting, here in the United States, less than 9% of the population makes over $100,000 a year. It's roughly 9% of the population makes over 100,000 a year. It's so roughly 80 plus per, what is that, 81%? No, 91%. Roughly, let's say 90% make less than $100,000 a year. Men, especially at midlife, they might be dealing with alimony, child support, visitation rights, having to compromise their own life. And ladies, many of you have gone through the same thing. You've gone through the divorces only to find out that what you get is a lot less and you've had to go back out in the workforce in many cases. This is because financially, we literally need two incomes to survive. We need literally two income, so men, secretly, while we have the biological desire to be up here, protector, what happens at midlife, that can be shattered dramatically if someone's gone through a divorce. And so we're struggling with the biology and the instinct of being a provider, protector, and in many cases, the subconscious reality that we may not be able to do that. This is why I'm such a big, I'm spitting. I'm such a big proponent of the dating process being a two lane street, because here's the reality. We don't know if we wanna be in a relationship with you until we've actually gone on 10 dates. It takes about 100 hours of face to face time to really get to know another human being. So the grand expectations that have been so taught based on crappy books like this, the rules, is that men are supposed to be chivalrous, they're supposed to romance you to prove their worth. Okay, that might be true for that marriage-minded guy who's got the resources, he's making the 400 grand a year. He's operating from a different premise. I'm talking about the average man, most men who are at midlife, who are struggling financially. This is why I highly recommend reading this book. If the Buddha dated, if the Buddha dated, why I want you to read this book is it helps you understand dating from a non-gender-based perspective and actually leaning into the heart space of a human being. The heart space of a human being. You know, so many women talk about how loving and unconditional loving they are, and yet we either have, I've noticed that there's three types of women. I'll talk about men in a sec. Well, I'm talking about men right now. There's the entitled woman who expects everything done for her. There's the doormat who literally fears everything and she settles and compromises herself over and over again. And then the balance is somewhere in the middle. They're a little bit of both, okay? Truly a secure woman has leaned into a compassionate space of understanding that it's not men's job to do anything. It's only our individual job to show up the best we can. This is why I'm such a big proponent of reading this book. The four agreements, the four agreements. And what are they? Be impeccable with your word. Don't make assumptions. Other people's opinions of you is simply a projection of theirs. And always, oh, be impeccable with your word. Don't make assumptions, projections, and always do your best. If you literally follow this format in the dating process and throughout all the gender expectation, you will begin to see that you'll have a better experience from my suggestion. As a friend of mine once said, expectations is the mother of disaster and desperation is her twin sister. So I want you to understand that financially a lot of men aren't capable of being what you've been conditioned to expect. So this is why I want you to lean into compassion for men in this regard. Compassion for yourself and compassion for men alike. Number four, all right. Oh, now this is the critical one. But this piggyback's on number one. Most men are actually winging it, which is why they prefer casual relationships without the pressure of commitment. Most men are actually winging it. They're winging it. They have no clue. Just like those parents I just talked about, they're focused on the baby carriage, the baby names, the nurseries, and they have actually no clue because we're literally on the job training. And here's the problem. When you've had a man who's been married for 20 years and he's just back out in the dating force, he has literally no clue of what a relationship looks like because he only has been in one and he's maybe days few. The vast majority of men are actually winging it and that's why they prefer a casual relationship because they haven't set an intention on what they truly want. Let me repeat that. Again, going back to the marriage mind of men, whole different ball game, but the average man has no clue what he wants. And sadly, most of you women don't. I see this all the time. You have the fantasy realm of what a relationship is because it's all based on love and not what compatibility is all about. This is why, again, I want you to read the book Eight Dates, but this is why I want you to definitely read the book how to be an adult in relationship. And the men should be reading this too. Everything I'm saying here, men should be reading. Ladies, if you want to have a better experience then introduce these books to the men you're dating and say, look, you don't get the cookie until you've actually, I know you're capable of it. Instead of this stupid narrative that some men should wait to have sex with you, how about you read these books together before you have sex together? That's a suggestion. How this helps you know whether or not you're with a grownup or not. And by the way, the women who follow ever since I began this narrative a year ago. Okay, I started my YouTube channel a year ago. By the way, I just passed 27,000 subscribers. Thank you so much for all your love and support. I was at 1,000 just a year ago last month. Is that I've had so many women reach out to me. Jonathan, thank you so much. I've introduced these books to the men I'm dating and we are having such a better experience. Ladies, this is all my screaming, my yelling, my intent is so you can have better experience instead of the fantasy realm experience that you're being taught over and over by people that only understand one philosophy and that is the marriage-minded men because the vast majority of men are fucking clueless. You know it, they don't know it, but you know it, all right? So listen, doesn't make them bad guys. Most men are good guys, they're just bad daters. All right, and number five, and then we're gonna jump into Q and A is, this is a funny one. Most men's mouth are bigger than their stomachs, which is why they make grand assertions but are unable to follow through and let me explain, okay? Most men's mouths are bigger than their stomachs and this is an interesting narrative that I was recently working with one of my private coaching clients. By the way, if you're interested in private coaching, check out the link in the description for a free discovery with me to see if private coaching is right for you. So I was working with a client and she was dating, this is a long distance one, and those of you who know me know I'm not a big fan of long distance. And he made all these grand promises and grand expectations and he's willing to move and all of this stuff and so they talked for two months before they met and then they met and they saw each other and had great sex, they fucked their brains out and then he went back home and she went back home, they met halfway or something like that and then they got together again and then they're talking on the phone incessantly and all of a sudden he pulls away, pulls away. He doesn't even communicate with her. He made all these grand assertions of who he is and then he pulls away. And he basically, when she finally called him out on his shit and by the way, if you haven't seen my video, stop being too nice to men. Men need to be called out on their shit and what I did is I told her, call him out on his shit and he wrote back and he said, you know, I realize I'm just not capable of doing this. I'm just not capable of doing this. A lot of men have these big grand ideas but they're unable to pull the trigger and it's because his life was in chaos, his work life is in chaos, his children have chaos going on in his life. The foundation underneath them isn't solid so his eyes are big but his stomach is incapable of leaning into this. This is why ladies, when I work with you privately is to teach you how to vet for men who are ready, willing, capable of being in a relationship and sadly it's a small percentage. So you can, by the way, you can all wing it, you can roll the dice and hope that he's gonna show up chivalrous and claim you because you'll just be sitting back in your feminine or you can maybe read these books and then encourage the man you're dating to do the same so you can actually maybe co-create a relationship and that's what I want you to lean into today is the idea of co-creating a relationship. Is this sinking in if it is? Please hit that like button, let me know. Check out the links in the description as well. All right, so it's time for Q&A. If you have a question, you can do a couple of one of two things. You can hit that super chat and post a question in there. You can hit the super sticker and post a question in there or you can write the word question and then leave your question. So let's scroll here through. I wanna say hi, divine, hi, Sheila, hi, Julianne, hi, Kim, hi, Dee Dee, hi, I'm amazing. Mystic says, I was just told from a guy that he doesn't know what love is but was telling me that he loved me. How do I get him to release what is love? Isn't that, you know, this is a perfect example of what I'm talking. Oh, by the way, we have our trivia question. I'll do this in a second. But this is a perfect example. I don't know what love is, but I love you. I mean, to me, that's an emotionally immature guy who's talking out of his ass. His mouth is bigger than his stomach because if you don't know what love is then how the fuck do you know? How can you love someone? Now, Mystic, what's most likely is he cares about you. There's no doubt about it. He genuinely cares about you or he's attached to you, attached to you. If you're not familiar with the book Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller, this talks about love attachment style. And oftentimes what we assume as love is actually love attachment style. So definitely check out this book. By the way, all the books I recommend is in the link called Jonathan Recommend Books, okay? So it's either love attachment or he's just immature. Mary, Amy says, hi, Maria says, I hear you a lot better when you don't yell at us. Just my style, Mary Ann, I apologize. I apologize for you that that's difficult, okay? I understand it. This is my style. This is, by the way, does anyone watch John Oliver on Not Week in Update last week tonight? He yells and screams, it's his style. He curses, I'm very similar to that. Okay, hi, Jeanette from UK. All right, let's see. If you have a question, post the word question and then write it out. Hey, Kelly, sweetheart. Thank you so much for joining. Many men have low self-esteem. Kelly is very correct. The average man and woman, the average man and woman has very weak emotional skills. They have low self-esteem because the number one emotional health issue facing almost everyone is I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. That's the majority of the population. This is why self-love is so hugely important because it's short, in my book, what the heck is self-love anyway, link below. Is without a healthy self-love practice. Oh, did you hear me say the word practice? You know, it's interesting. My book is a journey of personal development, self-help and spiritual work. And the invitation is to spend 15 minutes to one hour a day in your personal development. Now, what's interesting is the average person spends about one to two minutes brushing their teeth, washing their face, taking a shower. They'll spend a half hour on personal grooming and ladies, you'll spend up to an hour with makeup and dresses and all that. But you spend about not, this is not a judgment, this is an observation. You spend about this much time in your emotional health, your emotional self-care. Can I tell you, emotional self-care is way more important than what eyelash, you know, mascara you're gonna put on, what lipstick you're gonna put on, whatever, especially when you're meeting friends. Spend the time nurturing your soul, your inner spirit, because guess what? The antidote to inner suffering is self-love. And this is like a vaccination to emotional chaos. And if you're not investing 15, 20, 30 minutes a day, but you're willing to spend it in other areas, ask yourself then why, you know, the definition of insanity. Well, I keep doing the same things over. Oh, do I have armpits? Same things over and over again and expecting different results. I want you to start having different results by shifting the narrative. Am I making sense? Please let me know by hitting that like button. All right, thank you Penelope. I appreciate that, appreciate that. Jeanette, I've started dating a guy who has very low self-esteem and it was very good that he shared this with me. Does he need to heal first before dating? Okay, this is a great question. Ladies, there's a difference between healed and healing. We never get healed. We never really ever get healed. Maybe about seven seconds before we die, we achieve full consciousness and full healing and then boom, we're into the next realm. I'm a big believer that it's a whole different realm after this experience, this human experience. I think our souls have a whole different realm. If you really want to read a great book, Gary Zukov, not his book, not this book, Gary Zukov wrote a book called The Seat of the Soul. That is a great book to read to understand our soul's journey. So I do believe we fully heal. So going back to your question, I believe that men who are healing their wounds that are going to therapy, that are doing the personal development work, that are investing in introspective work on a regular basis, are okay candidates to date because whether it's you, me, or... Look, I'm in a healing journey. I haven't healed, probably happened seven seconds before I die. I just made up that number, by the way. But the point is it's not that you fully love yourself, is that you're loving yourself. It's not a destination, it's a journey. It's a process. This is why please don't get so hung up on the rhetoric and the bullshit and making meaning out of things. But he didn't call me, he doesn't love me anymore. Look at, when you love yourself, you don't need the man to love you for you to feel good about yourself. And by the way, if there are men watching, it's the same for you as well. Everything I'm saying is like this. It's for men and women alike. Oh, I didn't do my trivia question. Okay, which film, this is movie quiz, which film did Drew Barrymore and Adam Sandler first co-star in? Oh, I might've already done this one. Well, okay, so we'll do a different one. Okay, I think I did that one. Which film starring Sarah, Michelle Geller, and Ryan Phillips is an adaptation of Dangerous Liaison? I love this movie. If someone gets that, I'm gonna be stoked. All right, again, if you have a question, post the word question and then write a question or buy a super sticker or, Carol writes, let me go back. Bear with me. I am sorry. Carol writes, John, then what about if they're 78 and they like one night, and they like one night stands and will never change? Carol, great question. So you know a man who likes one night stands and will never change. So what's your question? The real question is, do you like men who like one night stands and never change? That's the question I have for you, Carol. So if you like men like that, knock yourself out. If you don't like them, men like that, then the question is, why would you want to invest in a man like that? Does that make sense? I hope so. Sassy writes, congrats on 27. Help me get up to 30,000. Everyone, please refer these videos to other people so I can get those numbers up. Thank you, Sassy. Okay, how do you get a man to know what love is? Okay, here's a great book. Well, there's two books. So I am a big, well, actually three books. Well, we'll start with this one. This is the CD version. Marianne Williamson wrote a great book called Return to Love, Return to Love. I love this book. This is the CD version. I love it because it's a really understanding what true love is all about from a heart-centered place. This is why I'm a big proponent. How do you get a man to know what love is? He's gonna have to do a little bit of work. You know what? We, you know, it's funny. People will spend four years to go to college then four years to get a doctor's degree to become a doctor. But we spend this much time learning about relationships. You know, it's interesting in my private, by the way, did anyone get the trivia question? But in my private coaching, when a woman works with me, one of the first things she does is she writes down her ideal relationship. It's one of the tasks that she does in one of the homework assignments. And then she goes through my proprietary program called Shortcut to Mr. Right. And again, the link below if you wanna learn about it. And then I have her rewrite her ideal relationship. Can I tell you what happens every single time? I hear this 15 times a week, it feels like. Jonathan, why didn't they teach me this in school? Why didn't my parents teach me this? Why didn't I learn this 10 years ago before I dated that knucklehead? Ladies and gentlemen, if you wanna know how a relationship works, you're gonna have to study it because osmosis isn't gonna make this happen. It doesn't happen because sunlight comes at you. You have to study this just you like you studied stuff in school. Just like you study to how to do your professional life. But how many of you studied how to be in a healthy, happy relationship? I wanna encourage you all to lean into that right now. Is this sinking in? All right. All right, let's get another question. Divine says, my ex told me he didn't know. Oh, okay, I just read that. He didn't know what love was or how it felt at the end of our relationship. You know, a lot of people, you know, it's interesting. I once was asked a question. Do you love her or are you in love with her? You know, love, love to me is caring. You know, when I think of it in life, whether it's my mom and dad, it's a picture of my mom and dad. There's me and my sons. I love them, but I'm not in love with them. I love them. I care for them deeply. They matter to me. In love is going a step deeper. To me, being in love says, I'm here. You matter. We are important. I've got your back. I'm not going anywhere and I only want you. Let me repeat that. I'm here. That means I'm present. I'm not thinking about the past. I'm not thinking about the future. I'm not thinking about my ex-girlfriend. I'm not thinking about talking to my ex-girlfriend. I'm not thinking about all the women on Instagram and everything else. I'm present to you. That's stage one in my book. You matter. That going back is I'm not thinking about Instagram. I'm not thinking about ex-girlfriend because you matter. We are important. We are important. A relationship is a separate entity. Let me repeat that. A relationship is a separate entity. This is why it's so important that we can be focused on our own feelings, but recognize that real transparency means if something is material to the relationship, I'm going to tell you about it. And that's why, to me, it's saying we are important. I've got your back. That means we're part of a team. We're part of a team. You know what? I'm going to help you in your personal life. I'm going to help you in your professional life. You do the same for me and vice versa. I'm not going anywhere. That means I'm committed. I'm rooted to this relationship and I only want you. To me, that's what being in love is. And a lot of times we feel love, but we're not in love because a lot of people are emotionally unhealthy to be able to be in love with another human being. And this is true of men and women alike. By the way, I just noticed someone purchased something. So I want to thank you so much. I'll read that in a second. Thank you, blessed. I really appreciate. Oh, Nicole, thanks so much. I appreciate that. All right, question from Cassie. Cass, excuse me. What's a good way to ask a guy to read dates, eight dates without coming as demanding? I like your yelling. Okay, thank you. All right, I'm going to do two versions. The first one, I'm being silly. Hey, Tim, if you want to fuck me the next time, you have to read this book. All right, now I'm just joking. All right, how do you, so just say, hey, there's something that's really important to me that I'd like to share with you. Is that okay? I want to share something with you. I've been hearing a lot about a book that's great for helping couples really develop a better relationship. And I'd like to explore reading the book together. How do you feel about that? Okay, now, a guy who genuinely cares about you and genuinely he's into you. He wants a relationship with you. He's going to say, yes. He's going to hit that thumbs up. A guy who's wounded, who's not into you that's got issues and traumas. He's going to deflect it. He's going to go, why do we need that? We have a great relationship. That's very, that's gaslighting. That's defensiveness. That's a person who probably isn't emotionally healthy to lean in. You can simply say, there's something I'd like to read together to help our relationship. And the right guy will say, yes. And the wrong guy will come up with every excuse under the sun. That's not called a red flag, ladies. That's called deal break. All right, because if they can't handle that what else can't they handle is why it's a deer breaker. Steph said, I miss all the points except for the last one. Will you please go through them again? Really quickly. Okay, five secrets, men hide. Number one, most men don't know what commitment looks like because they're not marriage minded. Number two, most men have childhood wounds and traumas which is hard for them to, which is why it's hard for them to express their feelings. And it's also why they have a hard time leaning into the emotional responsibility of your feelings. Number three, most men, the average man makes less than $100,000 a year. So the instinctual biological need of being a provider protector is budding up against their capacity to do that for someone else. Number four, most men are winging it because this is why they prefer casual relationships. And the fifth one is most men's mouths are bigger than their stomachs. This is why they get bloated in a relationship and they pull away, disappear because they're not able to lean into something deeper. Is this resonating with you? Please let me know by hitting that like button. All right, thank you Steph. Jeanette says, can two anxious attachment style people be together? Absolutely, yes they can. It's gonna be chaotic. One person is probably gonna, what's gonna happen is one of the anxious people is actually gonna trigger the corresponding avoidant from the other anxious person. But you know what? When two people are conscious and aware they can actually lean into relationship. Let me repeat that. When two people are conscious and aware they can lean into relationship. That's why if you read these books together you don't have to worry about all the stuff you've learned about attachment style and everything else because when two people are intentional and they have open hearts they can actually lean into love. They can lean into love. It's this superficial way of dating is why it's such a cluster fuck out there. This is why Esther Perrell, going back to casual relationship Esther Perrell who wrote the book mating and captivity. Here's a book. I love this book. By the way, I recommend about 10 books. By the way, there's a link to recommended books. She calls most relationships stable ambiguity. It's you're getting connection and sex and there's an agreement of monogamy and exclusivity and they ambiguous pieces the commitment because exclusivity and monogamy is just layer one of commitment. Commitment has multiple layers and you have to learn the roots to trust. This is why in my private coaching you hear all of this. You get so prepared for an awesome relationship and I teach you how to vet for men who are capable of this. So I hope I answered your question. Yes, two people can. It's gonna be a mess, but they can. It just takes consciousness. Angela says, keep yelling. I love your passion. Thank you. Shauna writes, I miss our sessions with. Oh, thank you sweetheart. I miss you too. Nadeesa says, I've only dated Puerto Rican men. Not cause I have a preference but that's the majority of where I live. I moved to an area mainly Caucasian. I'm open to date any race but I'm worried about dating too different. Thank you for sharing. Sally writes, hi Jonathan. Are dating apps online the best way to meet men? So here's great question. So here's dating apps. Let me open my app. Do I have any messages on Bumble today? Do I have any messages on Tinder? No, do I have any messages on the league? And match.com. I'm on five different apps. Why? These are simply portals to meet people. They're just opportunities to meet people. Now, here's the deal. Roughly 50%, 5.0. Where's it? 5.0. How would that work? You guys get the gist. Roughly 50% of all new relationships for people over 45 years old are happening through an online connection. It's through the dating apps. It's through social media. It's through, well, pretty much those too. It could be gaming as well. Sorry, I don't want you to see my armpit stains. It's the lamp right here to create better lighting. It makes me hot. Dating apps are where most people are meeting. They're not dating apps. They're simply meeting apps. Now, I live in a condo complex. 600 people, 600 people. The love of my life could be at the balcony right across from me and I don't know she exists. Now, she might be on a dating app and I might swipe and our range is like 10 feet. And I'll go, oh my God, she lives in my building. That might scare me a little bit. But my point is, unless you know everybody who's single, how are you gonna meet people? It just happens to be the number one way most people are meeting. I'm not saying it's right. I'm not saying it's wrong. It just happens to be. And marriage, I've been to so many weddings from people, both clients and friends who have met through online dating apps. So yes, it's absolutely, it's the number one place. And I'm not saying it's the best place. It's just the number one place. Who's having a cocktail with me? Oh, is it time to take my gummy? All right, did anyone get the trivia question, by the way? Cass says, you're so funny about your armpit stains. Thank you, you're dark and that's why I wore a dark shirt. Okay, candy rite is in love realistic. It seems romantic and almost like a fantasy. Is it realistic? It's absolutely possible. It's absolutely possible. Is it the majority? No, most people just love each other. They haven't really learned the depths of love because they don't love themselves. The vast majority of humans are struggling with, I'm not good enough, I'm not lovable, I'm not likable. So if their inner noise is not helped, if they have inner noise going on, it's difficult to love another until you begin to love yourself. I didn't say you have to love yourself, but until you begin to truly love yourself, not from the egoic, overconfident superficial way, I'm talking in an emotional heart-centered way, it is difficult. So the answer is it's not impossible, it's just difficult because most people don't love themselves, women include it. Sally writes, if I do the work on myself to short my readiness for a relationship, do you think I'll have to work hard to meet a man or will he appear after I've done work? Love this question. So what happens is from an energetic perspective, Sally, is when you've done a lot of work to prepare yourself, you're getting ready to get ready to get ready to get ready, you become a magnetic attractor. We attract the vibe we put out. So here in the United States, we're suckling on the nipple of victimhood. We have nothing but victim consciousness, 24-7 in the news. It's just victim, victim, victim consciousness, okay? And that translate into the same consciousness in the dating realm. So rewrite the story to have victor consciousness and you become to attract more of that. You're less likely to watch the news. You're tired of people or complainers and yes, you begin to attract people who are more aligned to who you are and what you want. I'm not saying it is an absolute, but the law of attraction says the energy we put out brings us back the energy or what we might need is more lessons in our lives. Sometimes we're even in great emotional state but we need more lessons. Oh my God, we all need lessons. By the way, relationships are merely a journey. It's not a destination. And so sometimes you take a ride with someone and they're just there to help you become a better version of you. And sadly, many of you lament because you've allowed yourself to create a narrative that I need him to love me for me to feel good about myself and when he doesn't love me, you either make yourself worthless or you blame the guy and this is what the two narratives going on. You're either angry at men or you're angry at yourself. This is why I'm such a big proponent of self-love, okay. All right, next question. Teresa, thanks for the genuine LOL. I've heard this, okay. Christine writes, why do men show interest when they're not interested in a relationship? Why do some of us attract casual but not committed? I don't dress provocatively in case you're wondering. Okay, great. So goes back to my point. Their mouths are bigger than their stomachs, okay. Here's the thing. It's human nature to want connection. One of the six basic human needs is connection. We are thirsty for connection, especially coming off of this pandemic where many of this has been stuck day in, day out, we want connection. In addition, men want sex. Ladies, what's a man thinking about on a first date? He's thinking about having sex with you, all right? That's just a natural byproduct of what's happening out there. So here's the deal. If we want connection, we want sex, we have to do what's called relationship talk. Relationship talk. It's interesting. I had a woman reach out to me for a coaching session and she said, she's had a short-lived relationship with a man and she said he really wanted a relationship. I go, really, describe what he told me. She said, no, well, I told him I want a relationship and this is what it looks like. And he said the words, me too. All he did was agree to what she said. He had no forethought on what the relationship looks like. He just agreed to what she said. That's not knowing he wants a relationship. That's just pandering to her feelings. So I'm here to say, ask before you tell a man what you want, you wanna ask him, here's, write this down. What does commitment look like for you? And what does commitment look like for you and how are we ready for a committed relationship? Bam, bam, bam, bam. What does commitment look like for you? By the way, nine out of 10 guys, deer on the headlights. What? I don't want commitment, I just want casual. It's because they're clueless. But by the way, that question is, by the way, before the penis ever gets to go on the side of the vagina, you should ask that question, what does commitment look like for you and how will you know you're ready for commitment? Now, instead of you telling him, hear what he says, then you can follow up with what it means to you. So Jonathan Asley, if a woman asks me that, I'm just gonna tell you what I'm gonna say. I'm gonna say, I'd like to have a relationship where we spend three or four days and nights a week together, doing shared activities, hobbies, mutual interests, spending time with family and friends, traveling together, being part of a team together, teamwork, building skills, okay? And intimacy, both emotional and physical intimacy. This is what I'm, this is what I'm all about. I'd say it right up front. A woman doesn't have to second guess it. I invite you to ask any man the question and let's see what comes up. So going back to your point, this is most men want casual because they don't know what they want. Oh, Georgia, thank you so much. Please buy a drink on me. Thank you. I love when you repeat important points. Thank you. I really appreciate that. So if you, by the way, if you wanna do a super sticker, for those who know, my goal is to use the money that I get from all the super stickers and everything because I do plan on starting a foundation for Connor, my son who passed away. Something related to Salty. Oh, oops, oops, that was weird. So by the way, that was embarrassing. So speaking of Salty, here's my pet stuffed animal Salty in honor of Connor. Tell her when you said hi. So boy, that was embarrassing. Okay, so thank you so much for that super chat. Oh, and by the way, yes, the super chats go to starting my foundation for Connor. Okay, let's see if there's more questions. Kelly, thank you so much. Yes, deal breaker. Christine writes, had a lot of loss and now afraid to have a relationship. Listen, Christine, I can relate to that. Look at my mom passed away. There's my mommy, mommy. My dad moved back to Europe to spend the last few years of his life for days or weeks or months or years of his life and then losing Connor. So I get it. It's hard to trust when you've had hurt and pain. So it's very natural. I just want to honor and give you a big hug for that. Cass writes, thank you for asking my questions. So it's a deal breaker if he blows it off. He should want to make a relationship grow. You're right, thank you, Cass. Okay, let's see. Oh, so if you have a question, write the word question and then post it. Janet Boos says, thanks for answering my question. Oh, Nadia writes or Nadiza writes. My question is if your relationship advice all the same for all races, do you think it can work for two different cultures? Okay, you know, there's complexity when it comes to race and culture and religion and politics and everything under the sun. Human beings are very complex, but in particular, if you're from another country, you have another culture or races, there are slight nuances that are very unique to a culture or a race, okay? So I want to identify that. But for the most part, while they're, by the way, I'm not speaking as absolute. What I'm saying is not all men operate this way, just like not all women operate this way. It just happens to be a large percentage. And this is more about the psychology behind everything. So from a psychological perspective, most of this advice is pretty much non-race culture-based. It influences it, our culture and our race influences us, but still in our subconscious, childhood wounds and traumas and adult traumas rule the majority of our lives. It creates our personality. In fact, hold on a second, creates our personality. So there's a book I just bought, I'm just starting to read it right now called Personality Isn't Permanent, Personality Isn't Permanent. What we're really talking about is personality is a makeup of all these things. So you might want to check out this book, but again, I highly recommend doing the Hoffman book to understand your, everything is more about understanding yourself versus understanding the men. Because here's the bottom line, ladies. When you fully embrace yourself and understand yourself, not only does the right guy show up, but you're not gonna have to deal with all the bullshit that I'm talking about. I mean, seriously. So that's my invitation. Do the self-love work on yourself. All right, we just have a few more minutes. Let's see. Spray ABC under the arms to stop sweating. Look at Jones, I've got a heat lamp here. I mean, it's not like I'm sweat, it's just because it's really hot right now. I can't imagine that really works out when it's 90 degrees out and it's probably baking for me right now. But thank you so much, I appreciate that. I will try ACV. All right. Amy Faye says, been dating for two years. We see each other every weekend. Why does he wait to invite me over until five p.m. on Friday? So frustrating. I always feel like so much anxiety. Amy, my question for you is, how come you're not calling him up and saying, why don't you come over on Friday night? Why aren't you calling him up and saying, I'm gonna see you on Saturday? Why are you waiting for him? Why aren't you initiating? This relationship should be taking turns. It's like a ping pong game back and forth. It's not about the man leading the process, ladies. It's about co-creating a relationship together. I'm spitting. So I really wanna encourage you. When I read comments like that, I'm like, why are you waiting for the guy? Why aren't you initiating? That's my question. So let's see if you respond to that, Amy. Thank you. And yes, it is frustrating. By the way, Hippy Chick, that $500 was not $500. That mostly was 500 pesos or something like that. So I highly doubt it's $500. All right. What will the mission of the Salty Foundation? Laura, I really haven't decided what that's all about, but I suspect it's gonna be in the area of personal development, self-help and spiritual work, mostly centered around self-love. Connor was the inspiration for my book, What the Heck Is Self-Love Anyway? And it's gonna be a foundation based on the book. So thank you for asking. Jeanette writes, how can I, how can now, how, excuse me, question. I can now see self-sabotaging. How can I communicate when I'm triggered? Any advice on how to stop self-sabotaging? Okay, speaking of communication, I didn't mention this book yet, but I highly recommend reading this book, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg. This is a great book to learn, to read, to teach you how to communicate effectively. Ladies, believe it or not, many of you are terrible at communicating your feelings, and this is why you're afraid to communicate your feelings. Read this book, read this book, and you will learn how to communicate your feelings better. Or if you need help, hire me, because that's my area of expertise. But I'm sorry that you're self-sabotaging. Here's my advice. Stop it! I'm being tongue in cheek, but I'm saying if you know you're doing something, then you have control or whether or not you wanna continue to do that. Ouch, let me get that again. Wait, I know I'm doing it, but I can do something about it? Yeah, you can do something about it. If you know you're doing something, you can stop it. All you have to do is want to, and then make a change. Read these books is my suggestion. All right, Susie writes, what is your take when someone breaks up with you twice? He still wants to stay in touch, but I'm not communicating with them. Look at my past relationship. We broke up like five times. In fact, I mean, we legitimately broke up three times. We broke up, dated other people, got back together, and did it again and again and again. Sometimes karma means we have to relive something a number of times. Here's the deal. When we've been intimate with another human being, it's very common to get attached. Doesn't mean we're capable of being in relationship with them. It just means we're attached to them. And so when we've connected with someone, we might want to go back to the well over and over again, even if we're not capable of being in relationship with them because we're attached to them. So I'm here to say that what's really important is, are you co-creating a relationship, or are you just winging it? This is what most of people are doing. They're winging it because they're not reading any of these books that I talk about. Look at all of these books. Ladies, before the penis gets to go inside the vagina, learn this stuff. Before you give your heart away, learn this stuff. I'm yelling because it's your touching fire and you're asking yourself, well, Jonathan, you know, but magic fairy dust will make all of this work. No, magic fairy dust doesn't make this fucking shit work. It requires you to learn how to be, what's that say? How to be an adult in relationship. And you're not gonna have an adult relationship until you learn how. I promise you, read this book and you'll go, oh my God. Read this book, you'll go, oh my God. Read this book, you'll go, oh my God. Read this book and you'll go, oh my fucking God. That's what's gonna happen when you educate yourself. And most of you are dating men and women. Men are children. Let's just start with that. And many of you are just piggybacking on their child. They're them being children or you're going into parental mode, which makes matters even worse. And you're not a good parent because you haven't studied for it. You're worried about the baby stroller that we talked about. All right. Oh, thank you, Kathy. I appreciate that. That's very sweet of you for the little super sticker. All right. Sassy writes, or let's go back to Sassy. What are your top tips for vetting the emotional availability of a man to be in relationship? Well, I'll share with a couple of the things I shared already tonight. So one is asking him what does commitment look like for you and how will you know you're ready for a commitment? Number one and two. Number three. If you're open to exploring a relationship with me, are you willing to read the books that I'd like to explore as we develop a relationship together? These are little signs that they're grown up in relationship. Most guys won't do it because they're arrogant, arrogant. Let me reframe that. They're clueless, which creates arrogance, okay? And I don't mean intentional arrogant, but no, not arrogance. Let me scratch that word, take it out. They're myopic, they're myopic, okay? Myopic means tunnel vision because they're clueless. So you're gonna have to educate men, ladies. It's gonna require you to do, you educate yourself and then lead by example. What do I always say in my videos? Lead by example. But Jonathan, this is too much work. You're making it so hard. Well, when you wanted to get the dream job in your life, did you bust your butt? When you learned how to play the piano, did you bust your butt? When you wanted to go on vacation, did you save for it? When you, if you want nice teeth, do you brush your teeth? Why is this so hard for you? This is like, this is in relationship 101, 101. You're not willing to do the basics and then you complain? Stop fucking complaining if you're not gonna be willing to do the work. By the way, this is a generalization. I'm yelling at everyone, but I wanna shake you up. Is this sinking in? Please let me know by hitting that like button. All right, we're gonna take one more question. Nobody got the trivia question. By the way, it was Cruel Intentions, by the way. And what I love about this movie, Sarah Michelle Geller. By the way, this is the Sarah Michelle Geller, Ryan Phillips Cruel Intentions. She goes, I don't fuck losers. I just thought that was one of my favorite lines in the movie. All right, we're gonna take one last question. Wow, I can't believe how quickly an hour went by. Amy says, I can't have them over at my house. We've had the relationship talk. He says he's scared because of past bad relationships. So I guess I'm scared. Okay, so Amy, you've been in two-year relationship with them. He says I'm scared to be in a relationship. All right. So I'm trying to think of a good analogy. Oh, here's a perfect analogy. There's a burglar in your house. A policeman comes over and says, I'm scared. I don't wanna deal with this. How would you feel about a policeman who says he's scared? Would you want him protecting your home? Not merely reframe that. I mean, making a bodyguard. You've hired a bodyguard because you're a celebrity. But the bodyguard says, well, I'm really scared of people. So that means when the chips, when really the chips count, he's not there for you. Why choose a man who says he's scared? Tell him, you know what? Go fix your shit on your time. You don't get my vagina if you're scared. I only want men who are empowered. Ladies, stop giving your power away to men who say they're scared. Choose better men by becoming a great version of yourself because you only choose those men because you don't value yourself most of the time. Not saying that about you, Amy. I'm just saying that's what's happening. You choose poor or you choose the wrong guy because you're not valuing yourself. Step into your sovereignty. Step into your self-worth, self-confidence, self-esteem and self-love. And stop it. All right, listen, we've covered a lot tonight. I, time for cocktail. It's happy hour. Is anyone joining me? Is anyone gonna get an edible and join me? I hope so. Oh, eight to 10 people got the trivia question right. I did not know that. I did not see that. Where the hell is that? Well, I did not see that. I am so sorry. Anyway, everyone, from the bottom of my heart, I can't begin to tell you how much I appreciate you. So many of you have been kind, loving, caring towards me. I'm so grateful. My goal is to just shift perspective. My goal is to make a difference. My goal is to raise your consciousness. And most of all, my goal is for everyone, for everyone to love themselves. And because I believe when we all genuinely love ourselves, it's a better world. And the reason why the world isn't so great right now, because most people are hurting on the inside. And that's why they seek relationship. Because we've literally adopted, I need you to love me for me to feel good about myself. And I want everyone to love on themselves. Can we agree to do that? Can we all agree to give ourselves a big, gigantic bear hug right now? Can we do that? Please. I hope so. All right. I just gave myself a big hug. So I'm gonna reach into the camera and give you a hug of love, if that's okay. I'm gonna ask you to turn to someone or a pet or a teddy bear or a pillow. Here's my teddy bear salty. And give it or them a hug of love because hugs are a great source of love. And let's face it, we all could use more love in our lives. I wanna thank you so much and wishing you a super duper wonderful evening. I'm gonna say, look at the screen and say good night to everyone. Have a wonderful weekend. And if you're watching the recording, have a wonderful day. Yes. Thank you, Gloria. Thank you, Stickwickman. Thank you, Nadeesa. Thank you, Lynn. Thank you, Kandy. Thank you, Kathy. I started watching you a week ago. I tried to get my marriage in order after a bad. Thank you for sharing. Sandy, thank you. Oh, thank you for the best video yet. I appreciate that. Enjoy the edible. Bum, bum, bum. I'm gonna go take one right now. Let's see what else. Lynn, thank you. Gloria, Lori, thank you so much. Everyone, all my love. Have a wonderful, wonderful night. Kelly, thank you so much. I love you, Kelly. Thank you so much. Everyone, Tina, Sandy. Have a wonderful evening. Bye-bye now.