 Listen, I've never told anyone this before, and I know it's going to sound stupid, alright? But I used to be afraid of the Charmin Ultra Soft Bears. Yeah, I know, I know, I know. But I was a kid, and just look at them. They're vicious smiles, they're meaty paws, you know? Call me crazy, but I know a murderer when I see one. Alright, let me calm down, alright? It all started back in kindergarten. You know, the land of kids that either knew how to properly read a book or kids that ate pages out of books. My teacher tells us, you know, gather around, gather around, children are about to read a story, you know? A story called Goldilocks. And man, Goldilocks was the ship, bro. And as a kid, that story felt like a cinematic adventure. The moment Goldilocks's whore-ass entered the Bears' house, you know, you could feel the tension building up as she went around eating their food, breaking the chairs and sleeping in their beds. But the part that bothered me was when the teacher read the end of the story where the Bears came home and then Goldilocks ran away. Goldilocks ran away. Now you, you know, as the common idiot, don't see anything wrong with that. But I, being the child genius that I was, I knew something was up. Bears don't do that. Bears don't just let humans outrun them. And it was up to me to let everyone know that and prove to everyone how much smarter I was than my teacher. I don't know what it is, but it's something about being a kid that gives you a lust for power and superiority. So come lunchtime, I gather around a couple of my classmates and I tell them, hey, you know that Goldilocks story that we read? And they're like, yeah, what about it? Well, humans can't outrun Bears. And they're like, what do you mean? The storybook said that Goldilocks ran away. Yeah, I get that, Isaiah. The book lied. Goldilocks got her face ripped off. And I tell you, bro, there was no better feeling. According to my classmates' eyes, that's the horror and shock on their faces, knowing they'd be traumatized for the rest of their life. But to be blessed with that kind of knowledge at an early age also cursed me with a fear I wasn't even aware of. But one day I was watching some TV, you know, just sitting down with my mom and sister watching some Lazy Town, you know, as a real nigga does. And then a commercial came on with the most beastly, filled with primal rage, a sort of civil emotion creature blid off the screen with their bright red and blue bodies. Just obsessed with how clean their asses were. I started shouting, you know, just kicking, crying. Turn it off! Turn it off! They're gonna kill me! They're gonna kill me like they killed Goldilocks! My sister and mom pinned me to the ground and tried to calm me down. Run! You know, I told them, they're coming for us all! I got sent to bed early that night. And all I could think of while I was in my bed was them. Those bears. How can I stay safe? How can I stay under the radar so I don't get Goldilocksed? The next day, I told my friend at school about the whole ordeal. And though he didn't fully believe they were as evil as I was telling him, he knew about the Charmin commercial and tried to calm me down by telling me, and well look, those Charmin bears they're obsessed with toilet paper, right? Not just any toilet paper, but Charmin Ultra Soft. And as long as you don't have that brand of toilet paper, they don't really have any reason to bother you, right? You know, it's just like Goldilocks. If you don't touch their stuff, they don't touch you. And that was the greatest news I've ever heard. You know, it was the first time I'd ever been happy that I was poor as shit and my family could only afford the super cheap no-name brand toilet paper. I did feel kind of bad, you know. Knowing that my neighbor would probably get mauled to death. Seeing that, you know, I saw him buy a brand of the Charmin Ultra Soft at the store once. But me and my family, we were completely safe. A couple months passed by and I'm doing better. You know, I'm feeling much better physically and mentally. You know, no more Charmin Ultra night terrors keeping me up at night. I'd forgotten almost completely about the story Goldilocks and everything was going great. But then one day, I get home. My stomach's hurting. Oh man, it's hurting bad. They must have put something in those fajitas at school. But I'm on the toilet dropping all types of per care package. Shitballs just popping out of my anus like I'm dropping napalm on Vietnam. You know, when I'm done, I reach for the toilet paper and I wipe my ass. And I notice something. The toilet paper feels soft. Actually soft. No, no, no, no, no, no. You don't get it. This wasn't the same off-brand toilet paper that we usually use. I could tell because our usual toilet paper was so rough. It took not just the poop off our assholes, but also the skin off of it too. So I run into my mom's room and I'm like, Mom, what have you done? What have you done? You've doomed us all. What type of toilet paper is this? And at first, she's confused. You know, she doesn't understand what the hell I'm talking about. But she's like, well, we had some extra money from our taxes. So, you know, we decided to spend something extra on some good toilet paper. And I'm like, yes, I understand that. But what brand? What brand, mother? What brand? Well, I just, yes, I just brought some, yes. I think it starts with a C. What was it again? What is the name? Say it, say it! Cottonel. And your dad also bought some Charmin Ultra. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Just relax, new caps. Just relax, bro. Just calm down. You've grown out of this. They aren't real. They're not coming for you just because you use their toilet paper. You know, you're better than this, bro. I heard a knock at the door, followed by what sounded like scratching, growling. I stood absolutely still. There it was again, that knock, followed by that wretched scratching. I crept to the door slowly as I could. Again, two more knocks. I opened up the door and what I saw, it was just our neighbor with a stray dog. So, you know, I'm guessing that's what the scratching was. Is this your dog? You know, I saw him chained up outside in the cold and just wondered if someone forgot to bring him back in. I said, no, you know, it's not ours. But, you know, as messy as our house is, you'd think we'd have ten of these guys running around here. And he laughed. My neighbor laughed and he kept on laughing for a little too long, you know. It was actually kind of scary. So, you know, I decided to just close the door on him. But then he put his boot in between the door to stop it from closing. And then he said, you don't get it, do you? I was confused. I had no idea what he was talking about. I don't get what. I'm not laughing at your silly little joke. I'm laughing at how stupid you are, you absolute idiot. Wait, what makes me stupid? It was at that moment, my neighbor pulled his face off. But it wasn't his face. It was a mask. It was the Charmin Ultra Bear. I can paint a picture that's so vivid. Ring ring, ring ring ring ring. Hello? Who is it? Okay. Alright, I'll let them know. Oh, they say if you're not following kneecaps on Twitter and Instagram, you should probably hop off a bridge. I can paint a picture that's so vivid. If you see the apple in that bitch, you can go get it. I am the product of all your love if you don't get it. You can wear all my shoes that I've owned but you won't fit it. I'm climbing a mountaintop.