 What's going on you guys? Rafe Shirazi here, and that is my boy Duke. So in this video, I want to talk about condoms Recently I was with my friends over at AIDS Healthcare Foundation We had a little meeting and we were talking about ideas for videos and one of the topics that came up was condoms and just the whole idea of why people don't use condoms and not coming from a place of judgment or bias but just really like wanting to know and think about and start a conversation about what it is about condoms that people tend to not use them, and I think there's a it's multifaceted and I think there's so many reasons for it, but I just kind of wanted to like do a general like touch on it and kind of maybe start a conversation about it and and it made me really think about my own condom usage or lack thereof and what the reasons are with the psychology is about it and of course, you know I'm diagnosed with HIV and that isn't to say necessarily that I got HIV because I was carelessly having sex without condoms because it very well may have been Transmitted to me while I was in the middle of a committed monogamous relationship for years So I don't really know the answer to that but regardless before that relationship. I was having unprotected sex and not with not doing so in like in the structure of a monogamous committed relationship So and it's like why wasn't I using condoms then and you know, what are all the reasons and stuff like that? so I kind of wanted to get into that with you guys today and Also see what you guys think too. First of all I want to say that this video is made possible because of my partnership with a top care foundation and There have been so gracious and I'm so humbled to be able to work with them and for them to Help me have the opportunity to be able to create even more content that I was creating before They're literally Financially helping me be able to do that. So I owe them a huge. Thank you. And with that said I want to say that It's healthcare foundation provides a lot ton of free condoms They have it at their wellness centers their pharmacies Any of their HIV testing vans and also out of the closet if you're not aware is a thrift store and it's owned by HF and they also offer free condoms there So there's lots of great Opportunities to get condoms from them worldwide at any of their locations. So in one of their recent blog posts done by my friend Avery she referenced a study that was published in the Journal of Sex Research lots of interesting findings So they interviewed people and and got their feedback and it was split into three categories I believe it was men who have sex with women women who have sex with men and Men who have sex with men and asking them questions regarding condom use So as a result of this study, they were able to see that Men who have sex with men and women who have sex with men were more likely to forgo a condom When they felt like there was the potential for a relationship with this new partner So if this man or this woman who has sex with men was gonna have sex with a man and They thought oh well this might lead to something later on might lead to a relationship or continued dating Or a heightened emotional connection Then that was something that they were willing to trade off for risking possible STI infection in order to in a way kind of invest or Show a sign of good faith in this other person for potential future Possibility and then Avery goes on to say that in the study a number of participants reported that it could imply promiscuity on their part meaning they didn't want to suggest they had multiple sexual partners So some people didn't want to use a condom Ironically, it's interesting the way that that psychology works because they didn't want to show that they were promiscuous So they're like I'm willing to not use a condom because that proves That I don't sleep around and it's not risky to have sex with me. Does that make sense like say I'm gonna have sex with you Don't get excited. I'm gonna have sex with you and I'm saying well Honestly so and so you don't need to use a condom with me. It's fine because I don't have sex I don't I don't hook up. So we're cool. You don't have to worry about STIs or anything like that from me Do you get how like I'm trying to use the fact that we don't need a condom because I'm not promiscuous So I get that I get how in the study some people think that by saying you don't need to use a condom with me They're kind of like Letting the other person know a like I'm not promiscuous. It's all good. No worries Of course, that's like a fallacy because you don't need to be promiscuous to have STIs All you need is one sexual encounter to have any potential amount of STIs and the only way that you would know that you Don't have STIs is if you get tested regularly and besides that person who wants to show that they're not promiscuous is now Accepting the risk from the other person that they might have STIs Sure, you don't or you may not or you think you don't have STIs But now without using a condom because you don't want to appear promiscuous now you are Exposing yourself and making yourself vulnerable to STIs from the other person because you don't know whether they have it or not or whether they even know that they have it or not Think about that another reason why some people decided to forego condoms is because they wanted to show the other person that they trust them I totally get that too like when you're trying to form like an emotional connection with someone or even just a sexual one And you are talking in that moment and that person's like trust me like I know I'm I know I'm like STI free You don't have to worry. It's okay. You in that position You're about to engage in like sexual activity and something intimate You know, you want to you want to show a sign of good faith and be like, okay I trust you as a human being and and it's easy to think to yourself if I if I show distrust to this guy Then I'm Potentially like hurting our chemistry in this moment and like it might make this not as enjoyable or the emotional connection as close If I start with distrust then maybe I'm hurting the enjoyability of this experience So I understand of that mentality to a lot of this stuff. I can't relate to I get it But I think the reality is that we have to value ourselves More than we value our potential with this other person like we have to be number one And that was my biggest lesson too with the whole experience HIV AIDS diagnosis is Realizing like I need to be number one Sure, we want to impress upon the other person that we trust them or that we want to have a future connection with them all of these things But at the end of the day, it can't be at the expense of number one, which is ourselves, right? Just some food for thought and then as a as a final point in this blog post that Avery did about the study Some people did not want to use a condom because they felt like that barrier that latex barrier Was not only a physical barrier, but an emotional one and it created a distance from their sexual partner I think that's the point that I can relate to the most too. A lot of people Yes, they want sex they want to feel good But a lot of for a lot of people it's about connecting to the other person and when you feel like there's a little literally a physical barrier between you and the other person it kind of hurts the Idea of the intimacy that you're creating with the other person I mean, I can understand all these points and while Their feelings are valid It's not necessarily the most wise the most prudent or the most Self-reaffirming when it comes to our health and our bodies as a temple. We only get one body, right? So it's about putting ourselves first. I think I can definitely relate to wanting to forego a condom especially with someone that you are dating and you have an emotional connection with and You want to build a relationship with it's about showing trust Yeah, and like faith that like this person is Telling the truth and that they know their own their own status and their own health and also Kind of the idea that if you're gonna be seeing each other again, and you're gonna be going on multiple dates They're probably it's probably not in their best interest to hide and lie to you Because then you're gonna have to deal with that down the line whether that's true Mmm, I don't know some people are willing to forego like say say I'm Some guy that you're dating and like yes I'm interested in you and yes, we're gonna keep dating and yes, we're gonna keep having sex And I'm aware of that however I know that I have an STI or I know that I potentially have STIs because I've had a few sexual encounters and I haven't been tested I'm More afraid of losing you so I'm willing to just say oh yeah, it's fine even if Say a week from now two weeks from now You get tested I get tested find out. I did have an STI and I transmitted it to you I'm willing to deal with those repercussions in the future Because right now I'm too afraid of losing the potential of us right now And if I were to get tested and I tell you that before we get intimate and you are turned off by that And you don't want to date me anymore then well there goes that opportunity now I'm not saying that is a healthy mindset. In fact, I think that's the opposite of healthy mindset I'm just my point is that there are people out there who are gonna rationalize in that way and are willing to be a little Shady in order to save face in the moment and just deal with the repercussions of being slightly dishonest or lying later on And so my mindset in thinking oh, well of course this person's gonna be honest because we're trying to create a relationship isn't necessarily true and so that's that's a way of thinking that I feel like I've kind of dropped the ball and kind of It was kind of a dangerous way for me to think for myself Also, I remember when I especially really when I was younger, you know, I was a late bloomer as far as like losing my virginity I don't think I lost my virginity until I was 22 believe it or not. I didn't have sex until I was 22 I've never had sex with a woman, but I had sex with a guy for the first time at 22 And I felt like I was making up for lost time in a sense not like I had to like meet some quota But just like oh my god I've had all this like pent up Hormones and desires and like cravings for so long and now it's like finally You know the whole like first time thing is out of the way And I can just like kind of experience my sexuality and have fun and like explore and meet different guys and stuff like that So my craving for that was like extremely high and I'm the type of person who Doesn't necessarily get off on just having sex like that's not it for me for and I've talked about it before For me, it's really about intimacy and connecting with another person on a really intimate level Skin to skin being you know that kind of closeness and so the idea of putting on a condom Like these other participants in the study said was like like I was finally able to like have this intimacy with another Person and then I had to consider putting a literal barrier in between us and it was like The idea of that was just so The opposite of what I felt like I really needed and wanted and was craving and it was Desperation in in some sense because I just you know I spent so much of my life denying that I was gay and then being and then being made to feel like I was inferior or less than for being gay and Then not allowing myself to explore my sexuality throughout like all my teens And not until 22 so it was like all of that with the psyche and the like feeling bad about myself It's like finally I free to like experience that with another guy and Now I have to put this piece of material between us And it was like I I found that Incredibly incredibly difficult to to deal with and overcome and just be like okay. Yeah, let's let's do that No, I didn't want any I didn't want anything in the way between us to like hinder at all that sense of intimacy And I think I feel as though if it were someone who is growing up With this sense of self-confidence with a society that was affirming of being gay That was like you are worthy and you're great and and me growing up with a sense of like really strong self-esteem with confidence with having that those teen years to like Experience like love like any other teenager might if they were straight and to just have that be readily acceptable To see role models and examples in movies and television and in media I think if I had all of that as a foundation that intimacy condom Contradiction wouldn't have been nearly as much of an issue. And I think that's a really big like underlying thing in the LGBT community I feel like that affects more people than they even realize but I figured out that that was definitely something that was like this Subtext with my sexuality I was so repressed for so long and and and I didn't want anything to get me in the way of that and I think that manifested itself especially in The 80s with the the gay revolution like that was it like we are claiming our sexuality finally and it was like this Pendulum swing to like extreme sexuality because our community had been repressed for so long But that doesn't necessarily mean that it's the healthiest happiest safest way to go So just some food for thought. What do you think? What do you think about that? Do have you have you felt that way? Do you feel like that has has Influenced your behavior your actions your thought process like let me know I'm curious I really haven't had like an in-depth discussion like this with people before so I'm really curious to know what you guys think And I hope that you guys can respond to each other too and okay So and my final point on a more practical note is that? Oh, are you are you over at Duke? He's over here sign behind me like oh, here we go Yeah, a little brat a little booger Okay, so my final point. Oh, it's getting dark. I'll light up a little bit at least on my face so I'm pretty convinced that my neighbor upstairs is a dancer because I Periodically hear very rhythmic stopping on the floor upstairs and It'll go on for like 30 minutes to an hour at a time I'm like always hoping that it's not what I'm gonna be vlogging who knew I Most likely have a dancer upstairs because I hear like the beat will the footsteps will be and then I'll hear like Like they're walking across the floor and then again I'm I'm I'm almost certain that this person is a dancer and they're rehearsing in dance class We used to do like it's called across the floor where you go from one one side of the room And then you practice this one movement over and over and over across the floor And then you go back and then you practice it again Then you go back and I can literally hear this person like doing this the same like rhythmic Stepping motion across the room and then I can hear them stop back and then across the room So I'm like pretty sure that I have a dancer living above me. I don't know how that worked out but You know sail avi anyway Most dancers don't rehearse 24-7 so I think I'll be able to work this out as long as I make sure I have enough time to like Video and like at another point in the day if they happen to be practicing their dance moves Anyway, so my point was my final point on a practical level condoms Create a lot more friction. I hope you guys can hear this So I don't just seem like I'm crazy here Like that's loud, right? condoms create friction and That hurts and it tends to be uncomfortable for me and it's definitely more uncomfortable than not using a condom so And not just friction from the condom itself But like if there are folds in the condom at all even just a little bit I can feel those and that that it's actually can be painful for me I'm gonna address the elephant in the room I am tight down there. So I'm pretty sad and it's that it's a very sensitive area So those things combined being tight down there and sensitive it makes it It can a lot of times be Unenjoyable to use a condom despite using a lot of lube or at least More unenjoyable than without the condom because it just is more friction that doesn't feel good and And also with like any kind of folds in the or if there's any part of the condom That's sort of loose and that like and that like crinkles up and rubs and eat that out No good in conclusion for me personally. I Definitely think there is an absolute value in using condoms I would say in my own use if I am in a relationship or I am Committed to someone or I am Exclusively dating someone. I know I'm I'm not gonna use a condom. It's just not gonna happen if I decide to Have a random hookup with someone that I don't know or don't know Hardly at all then I will I definitely am making a priority for myself to use a condom and just do it Just do it but I don't like condoms So for me my solution is that I just not just for that reason But also for the intimacy reason as I've talked about before I was like, I don't I don't like hookups for just the sex So it's better for me just to not really hook up in general I I just really don't care for hooking up anymore So I don't think it's an issue and and but if it ever does come up then I'll use a condom but otherwise I'm personally okay with not using a condom if I'm in a relationship or if I'm in it exclusively dating someone Then yeah, those are terms that I would you know discuss with that person and just go from there So anyway, I just wanted to kind of flush that Conversation out a little bit and talk about some things that I've never really had the opportunity to discuss with anybody And I'm curious to know what you guys have to say about that So let me know in the comments below and I will see you guys soon. 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