 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Reading by Mark Nelson. Love Among the Chickens by P. G. Woodhouse CHAPTER XVI A CHANCE MEETING I roamed the place in search of the varlet for the space of half an hour, and after having drawn all his familiar haunts, found him at length leaning over the sea-wall near the church, gazing thoughtfully into the waters below. I confronted him. Well, I said, you're a beauty, aren't you? He eyed me owlishly. Even at this early hour I was grieved to see he showed signs of having looked on the bitter while it was brown. His eyes were filmy, and his manner aggressively solemn. Beauty, he echoed. What have you got to say for yourself? Say for self. It was plain that he was engaged in pulling his faculties together by some laborious process known only to himself. At present my words conveyed no meaning to him. He was trying to identify me. He had seen me before somewhere, he was certain, but he could not say where or who I was. I want to know, I said, what induced you to be such an abject idiot as to let our arrangements get known. I spoke quietly. I was not going to waste the choice or flowers of speech on a man who was incapable of understanding them. Later on, when he had awakened to a sense of his position, I would begin really to talk to him. He continued to stare at me. Then a sudden flash of intelligence lit up his features. Mr. Garnick, he said at last. From chicken-farm! he continued, with the triumphant air of a cross-examining king's council who was at last got on the track. Yes, I said. Up top the hill! he proceeded, clenchingly. He stretched out a huge hand. How you! he inquired with a friendly grin. I want to know, I said distinctly, what you've got to say for yourself after letting our affair with the professor become public property. He paused a while in thought. Dear sir, he said at last, as if he were dictating a letter, dear sir, I owe you XXP. He waved his hand, as who should say, it's a stiff job, but I'm going to do it. Explanation, he said. You do, I said grimly, I should like to hear it. Dear sir, listen me. Go on then. You came me. You said, hawk, hawk, old friend, listen me. You tipped this old bafflehead into water, you said, and gormed if I don't give you a pound note. That's what you said me. Isn't that what you said me? I did not deny it. Farewell, I said you. Right, I said, I tipped the old soul into water, and got the pound note. Yes, you took care of that. All this is quite true. But it's beside the point. You're not disputing about what happened. What I want to know, for the third time, is what made you let the cat out of the bag. Why couldn't you keep quiet about it? He waved his hand. Dear sir, he replied, this way, listen me. It was a tragic story that he unfolded. My wrath ebbed as I listened. After all, the fellow was not so greatly to blame. I felt that in his place I should have acted as he had done. It was fate's fault, and fate's alone. It appeared that he had not come well out of the matter of the accident. I had not looked at it hitherto from his point of view. While the rescue had left me the popular hero, it had had quite the opposite result for him. He had upset his boat and would have drowned his passenger, said public opinion, if the young hero from London, myself, had not plunged in and at the risk of his life brought the professor ashore. Consequently he was despised by all as an inefficient boatman. He became a laughing-stock. The local wags made laborious jests when he passed. They offered him fabulous sums to take their worst enemies out for a row with him. They wanted to know when he was going to school to learn his business. In fact, they behaved as wags do and always have done at all times all over the world. Now, all this it seemed Mr. Hawke would have borne cheerfully and patiently for my sake, or at any rate for the sake of my crisp pound of note I had given him, but a fresh factor appeared in the problem complicating it grievously. To it Miss Jane Musbrat. "'She said to me,' explained Mr. Hawke with pathos, "'Harry Hawke, she said, Yuma girt fool, and I don't marry no one, as is ain't to be trusted in a boat by his self, and what has jokes made about him by that Tom Lee?' "'I punched Tom Lee,' observed Mr. Hawke parenthetically. "'So, she said me, you can go away, and I don't want to see you again.'" This heartless conduct on the part of Miss Musbrat had had the natural result of making him confess in self-defense, and she had written to the professor the same night. I forgave Mr. Hawke. I think he was hardly sober enough to understand, for he betrayed no emotion. "'It is fate, Hawke,' I said. Simply fate. There is a divinity that shapes our ends, rough-hew them how we will, and it's no good grumbling." "'Yes,' said Mr. Hawke, after chewing this sentiment for a while in silence. "'So she said me, Hawke, she said like that, you're a girt fool.'" "'That's all right,' I replied. I quite understand. As I say, it's simply fate. Goodbye,' and I left him. As I was going back, I met the professor and Phyllis. They passed me without a look. I wandered on in quite a fervor of self-pity. I was in one of those moods when life suddenly seems to become irksome, when the future stretches black and gray in front of me. I should have liked to have faded almost imperceptibly from the world, like Mr. Bardell, even if, as in his case, it had involved being knocked on the head with a pint pot in a public-house cellar. In such a mood it is imperative that one should seek distraction. The shining example of Mr. Harry Hawke did not lure me. Taking to drink would be a nuisance. Work was what I wanted. I would toil like a navvy all day among the fowls, separating them when they fought, gathering in the eggs when they laid, chasing them across country when they got away, and even, if necessity arose, painting their throats with turpentine when they were stricken with rope. Then, after dinner, when the lamps were lit, and Mrs. Eukridge nursed Edwin and sewed, and Eukridge smoked cigars and incited the gramophone to murder mumbling moes, I would steal away to my bedroom and write, and write, and write, and go on writing till my fingers were numb and my eyes refused to do their duty. And, when time had passed, I might come to feel that it was all for the best. A man must go through the fire before he can write his masterpiece. We learn in suffering what we teach in song. What we lose on the swings we make up on the roundabouts. Jerry Garnet, the man, might become a depressed, hopeless wreck with the iron planted immovably in his soul, but Jeremy Garnet, the author, should turn out such a novel of gloom that strong critics would weep and the public jostle for copies till Moody's doorway became a shambles. Thus might I some day feel that all this anguish was really a blessing, effectively disguised. But I doubted it. We were none of us very cheerful now at the farm. Even Eukridge's spirit was a little daunted by the bills which poured in by every post. It was as if the tradesmen of the neighborhood had formed a league, and were working it in concert. Or it may have been due to thought waves. Little accounts came not in single spies, but in battalions. The popular demand for the sight of the color of his money grew daily. Every morning at breakfast he would give us fresh bulletins of the state of mind of each of our creditors, and thrill us with the announcement that Whiteleys was getting cross and Herod's jumpy, or that the bearings of dollish the grocer were becoming overheated. We lived in a continual atmosphere of worry. Chicken and nothing but chicken at meals, and chicken and nothing but chicken between meals had frayed our nerves. An air of defeat hung over the place. We were a beaten side, and we realized it. We had been playing an uphill game for nearly two months, and the strain was beginning to tell. Eukridge became uncannily silent. Mrs. Eukridge, though she did not understand, I fancy, the details of the matter, was worried because Eukridge was. Mrs. Beale had long since been turned into a soured cynic by the lack of chances about saved her for the exercise of her art, and as for me I have never since spent so profoundly miserably a week. I was not even permitted the anodyne of work. There seemed to be nothing to do on the farm. The chickens were quite happy, and only asked to be led alone and allowed to have their meals at regular intervals. And every day one or more of their number would vanish into the kitchen. Mrs. Beale would serve up the corpse in some cunning disguise, and we would try to delude ourselves into the idea that it was something altogether different. There was one solitary gleam of variety in our menu. And editor sent me a check for a set of verses. We cashed that check and trooped round the town in a body laying out the money. We bought a leg of mutton and a tongue and sardines and pineapple chunks and potted meat and many other noble things and had a perfect banquet. Mrs. Beale, with the scenario of a smile on her face, the first that she had worn in these days of stress, brought in the joint and uncovered it with an air. Thank God, said Eukridge as he began to carve. It was the first time I had ever heard him say a grace, and if ever an occasion merited such a deviation from habit, this occasion did. After that we relapsed into routine again. Deprived of physical labor, with the exception of golf and bathing, trivial sports compared with work in the foul run at its hardest, I tried to make up for it by working at my novel. It refused to materialize. The only progress I achieved was with my villain. I drew him from the professor, and made him a blackmailer. He had several other social defects, but that was his profession. That was the thing he did really well. It was on one of the many occasions on which I had sat in my room, pen in hand, through the whole of a lovely afternoon, with no better result than a slight headache, that I but thought me of that little paradise on the where cliff, hung over the sea and backed by green woods. I had not been there for some time, owing principally to an entirely erroneous idea that I could do more solid work sitting in a straight hard chair at a table then lying on soft turf with a sea wind in my eyes. But now the desire to visit that little clearing again drove me from my room. In the drawing room below the gramophone was dealing brassily with Mr. Blackman. Outside the sun was just thinking of setting. The where cliff was the best medicine for me. What does Kipling say? And soon you will find that the sun and the wind, and the gin of the garden, too, have lightened the hump, camellious hump, the hump that is black and blue. His instructions include digging with a hoe and a shovel also, but I could omit that. The sun and the wind were what I needed. I took the upper road. In certain moods I preferred it to the path along the cliff. I walked fast. The exercise was soothing. To reach my favorite clearing I had to take to the fields on the left and strike down hill in the direction of the sea. I hurried down the narrow path. I broke into the clearing at a jog trot and stood panting. And at the same moment, looking cool and beautiful in her white dress, Phyllis entered in from the other side. Phyllis without the professor. CHAPTER 17 OF A SENTIMENTAL NATURE She was wearing a Panama and she carried a sketching block and campstool. Good evening, I said. Good evening, said she. It is curious how different the same words can sound when spoken by different people. My good evening might have been that of a man with a particularly guilty conscience, caught in the act of doing something more than usually ignoble. She spoke like a rather offended angel. It's a lovely evening, I went on, pluckily. Very. The sun set. Yes. Er... She raised a pair of blue eyes, devoid of all expression, save a faint suggestion of surprise, and gazed through me for a moment at some object a couple of thousand miles away, and lowered them again, leaving me with a vague feeling there was something wrong with my personal appearance. Very calmly she moved to the edge of the cliff, arranged her campstool and sat down. Neither of us spoke a word. I watched her while she filled a little mug with water from a little bottle, opened her paint box, selected a brush, and placed her sketching block in position. She began to paint. Now, by all the laws of good taste, I should before this have made a dignified exit. It was plain that I was not to be regarded as an essential ornament of this portion of the where-cliff. By now, if I had been the perfect gentleman, I ought to have been a quarter of a mile away. But there is a definite limit to what a man can do. I remained. The sinking sun flung a carpet of gold across the sea. Philip's hair was tinged with it. Little waves tumbled lazily on the beach below. Except for the song of a distant blackbird running through its repertoire before retiring for the night, everything was silent. She sat there, dipping and painting and dipping again, and never a word for me, standing patiently and humbly behind her. Miss Derrick, I said. She half turned her head. Yes. Why won't you speak to me? I said. I don't understand you. Why won't you speak to me? I think you know, Mr. Garnet. It is because of the boat accident. Accident? Episode, I amended. She went on painting in silence. From where I stood I could see her profile. Her chin was tilted. Her expression was determined. Is it, I said? Need we discuss it? Not if you do not wish it. I paused. But, I added, I should have liked a chance to defend myself. What glorious sunsets there have been these last few days. I believe we shall have this sort of weather for another month. I should not have thought that possible. The glass is going up, I said. I was not talking about the weather. It was dull of me to introduce such a worn-out topic. You said you could defend yourself. I said I should like the chance to do so. You have it. That's very kind of you, thank you. Is there any reason for gratitude? Every reason. Go on, Mr. Garnet. I can listen while I paint. Please sit down. I don't like being talked to from a height. I sat down on the grass in front of her, feeling as I did so that the change of position in a manner clipped my wings. It is difficult to speak movingly while sitting on the ground. Instinctively, I avoided eloquence. Standing up, I might have been pathetic and pleading. Sitting down, I was compelled to be matter of fact. You remember, of course, the night you and Professor Derrick dined with us? When I say dined, I use the word in a loose sense. For a moment I thought she was going to smile. We were both thinking of Edwin. But it was only for a moment, and then her face grew cold once more and the chin resumed its angle of determination. Yes, she said. You remember the unfortunate ending of the festivities? Well... If you recall that at all clearly, you will also remember that the fault was not mine but Eugreges. Well... It was his behaviour that annoyed Professor Derrick. The position, then, was this, that I was to be cut off from the pleasantest friendship I had ever formed. I stopped for a moment. She bent a little lower over the easel, but remained silent. Simply through the tacklessness of a prize idiot. I like Mr. Eugridge. I like him, too, but I can't pretend that he is anything but an idiot at times. Well... I naturally wished to mend matters. It occurred to me that an excellent way would be by doing your father a service. It was seeing him fishing that put the idea of a boat accident into my head. I hoped for a genuine boat accident, but those things only happened when one does not want them, so I determined to engineer one. You didn't think of the shock to my father. I did. It worried me very much. But you upset him all the same. Reluctantly... She looked up and our eyes met. I could detect no trace of forgiveness in hers. She behaved abominably, she said. I played a risky game, and I lost. And I shall now take the consequences. With luck I should have won. I did not have luck, and I am not going to grumble about it. But I am grateful to you for letting me explain. I should not have liked you to go on thinking that I played practical jokes on my friends. That is all I have to say. I think it was kind of you to listen. Goodbye, Mr. Eric. I got up. Are you going? Why not? Please sit down again. But you wished to be alone. Please sit down. There was a flush on the cheek turned towards me, and the chin was tilted higher. I sat down. To westward the sky changed the hue of a bruised cherry. The sun had sunk below the horizon, and the sea looked cold and leaden. The blackbird had long since flown. I am glad you told me, Mr. Garnet. She dipped her brush in the water. Because I don't like to think badly of people. She bent her head over the painting. Though I still think you behaved very wrongly. And I am afraid my father will never forgive you for what you did. Your father, as if he counted. But you do, I said eagerly. I think you are less to blame than I thought you were at first. No more than that. You can't expect to escape all consequences. You did a very stupid thing. I was tempted. The sky was a dull grey now. It was growing dusk. The grass in which I sat was wet with dew. I stood up. Isn't it getting a little dark for painting, I said? Are you sure you won't catch cold? It's very damp. Perhaps it is. And it is late, too. She shot her paint box and emptied the little mug onto the grass. May I carry your things, I said? I think she hesitated, but only for a moment. I possessed myself of the campstool and we started on our homeward journey. We were both silent. The spell of the quiet summer evening was on us. And all the air a solemn stillness holds, she said softly. I love this cliff, Mr. Garnet. It's the most soothing place in the world. I found it so this evening. She glanced at me quickly. You're not looking well, she said. Are you sure you are not overworking yourself? No, it's not that. Somehow we had stopped, as if by agreement, and were facing each other. There was a look in her eyes I had never seen there before. The twilight hung like a curtain between us and the world. We were alone together in a world of our own. It is because I had offended you, I said. She laughed a high unnatural laugh. I have loved you ever since I first saw you, I said doggedly. End of Chapter 17 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org Reading by Mark Nelson Love Among the Chickens by P. G. Woodhouse Chapter 18 The U-Gridge Gives Me Advice Hours after, or so it seemed to me, we reached the spot at which our ways divided. We stopped, and I felt as if I had been suddenly cast back into the work-a-day world from some distant and pleasanter planet. I think Phyllis must have felt much the same sensation, for we both became on the instant intensely practical and business-like. But about your father, I said. That's the difficulty. He won't give us his consent. I'm afraid he wouldn't dream of it. You can't persuade him? I can in most things, but not in this. You see, even if nothing had happened, he wouldn't like to lose me just yet because of Nora. Nora? My sister. She's going to be married in October. I wonder if we shall ever be as happy as they will. Happy? They will be miserable compared with us. Not that I know who the man is. Why, Tom, of course. You mean to say you really didn't know? Tom? Tom Chase? Of course. I gasped. Well, I'm hanged, I said. When I think of the torments I've been through because of that wretched man, and all for nothing, I don't know what to say. You don't like Tom? Very much. I always did, but I was awfully jealous of him. You weren't. How silly of you! Of course I was. He was always about with you and called you Phyllis, and generally behaved as if you and he were the heroine and hero of a musical comedy. So what else could I think? I heard you singing duets after dinner once. I drew the worst conclusions. When was that? What were you doing there? It was shortly after Ugridge had got on your father's nerves and nipped our acquaintance in the bud. I used to come every night to the hedge opposite your drawing-room window and brood there by the hour. Poor old boy. Hoping to hear you sing. And when you did sing and he joined in all flat, I used to swear. You'll probably find most of the bark scorched off the tree I leaned against. Poor old man. Still, it's all over now, isn't it? And when I was doing my very best to show off before you at Tennis, you went away just as I got into form. I'm very sorry, but I couldn't know, could I? I thought you always played like that. I know. I knew you would. It nearly turned my hair white. I didn't see how a girl could ever care for a man who was so bad at Tennis. One doesn't love a man because he's good at Tennis. What does a girl see to love in a man? I inquired abruptly and paused on the verge of a great discovery. Oh, I don't know, she replied, most unsatisfactorily. And I could draw no views from her. But about father, she said, what are we to do? He looks to me. He's perfectly furious with you. Blow, blow, I said, thou winter wind, thou are not so unkind. He'll never forgive you, as man's ingratitude. I saved his life, at the risk of my own. Why, I believe I've got a legal claim on him. Who ever heard of a man having his life saved, and not being delighted when his preserver wanted to marry his daughter? Your father is striking at the very root of the short story writer's little earnings. He mustn't be allowed to do it. Jerry, I started. Again, I said. What? Say it again, do please, now. Very well. Jerry. It was the first time you had called me by my Christian name. I don't suppose you've the remotest notion how splendid it sounds when you say it. There is something poetical, almost wholly about it. Jerry, please, say on. Do be sensible. Don't you see how serious this is? We must think how we can make father consent. All right, I said. We'll tackle the point. I'm sorry to be frivolous, but I'm so happy I can't keep it all in. I've got you and I can't think of anything else. Try. I'll pull myself together. Now, say on once more. We can't marry without his consent. Why not, I said, not having a marked respect for the professor's whims. Gretna Green is out of date, but there are registrars. I hate the very idea of a registrar, she said with decision, besides, well, poor father would never get over it. We've always been such friends. If I married against his wishes he would, oh, you know, not let me near him again and not write to me, and he would hate it all the time he was doing it. He would be bored to death without me. Who wouldn't, I said. Because, you see, Nora has never been quite the same. She has spent such a lot of her time on visits to people that she and father don't understand each other so well as he and I do. She would try and be nice to him, but she wouldn't know him as I do. And besides, she will be with him such a little now that she is going to be married. But look here, I said, this is absurd. You say your father would never see you again and so on if you married me? Why, it's nonsense. It isn't as if I were a sort of social outcast. We were the best of friends till that man Hawk gave me away like that. I know, but he's very obstinate about some things. You see, he thinks the whole thing has made him look ridiculous, and it will take him a long time to forgive you for that. I realize the truth of this. One can pardon any injury to oneself unless it hurts one's vanity. Moreover, even in a genuine case of rescue, the rescued man must always feel a little aggrieved with his rescuer when he thinks the matter over in cold blood. He must regard him unconsciously as the super regards the actor manager, indebted to him for the means of supporting existence, but grudging him the limelight in the center of the stage and the applause. Besides, everyone instinctively dislikes being under an obligation which they can never wholly repay. And when a man discovers that he has experienced all these mixed sensations for nothing, as the professor had done, his wrath is likely to be no slight thing. Taking everything into consideration, I could not but feel that it would require more than a little persuasion to make the professor bestow his blessing with that genial warmth with which we like to see in our fathers-in-law's elect. You don't think, I said, that time, the great healer and so on, he won't feel kindlier disposed towards me, say, in a month's time? Of course, he MIGHT, said Phyllis, but she spoke doubtfully. He strikes me from what I have seen of him as a man of moods. I might do something one of these days which would completely alter his views. We will hope for the best. About telling father. Need we do you think, I said? Yes, we must. I couldn't bear to say that I was keeping it from him. I don't think I've ever kept anything from him in my life. Nothing bad, I mean. You count this among your darker crimes, then? I was looking at it from father's point of view. He would be awfully angry. I don't know how I shall begin telling him. Good heavens! I cried. You surely don't think I'm going to let you do that? Keep safely out of the way while you tell him? Not much. I'm coming back with you now and we'll break the bad news together. No, not tonight. He may be tired and rather cross. We had better wait till tomorrow. You might speak to him in the morning. Where shall I find him? He is certain to go to the beach before breakfast for a swim. Good, I'll be there. You cringe, I said when I got back. I want your advice. It stirred him like a trumpet blast. I suppose when a man is in the habit of giving unsolicited counsel to everyone he meets it is as invigorating as an electric shock to him to be asked for it spontaneously. Bring it out, laddie, he replied cordially. I'm with you. Here come along into the garden and state your case. This suited me. It is always easier to talk intimately in the dark and I did not wish to be interrupted by the sudden entrance of the hired man or Mrs. Beale of which there was always a danger in doors. We walked down to the paddock. You cringe, lit a cigar. You cringe, I said. I'm engaged. What? A huge hand whistled through the darkness and smote me heavily between the shoulder blades. Bye, joe, old boy. I wish you luck. Pawn my Sam, I do. Best thing in the world for you. Bachelors are mere excrescences. Never knew what happiness was till I married. When's the wedding to be? That's where I want your advice. What you might call a difficulty has arisen about the wedding. It's like this. I'm engaged to Phyllis Derrick. Derrick? Derrick? You can't have forgotten her. Good Lord, what eyes some men have. Why, if I'd only seen her once I should have remembered her all my life. I know now, rather a pretty girl, with blue eyes. I stared at him blankly. It was not much good, as he could not see my face, but it relieved me. Of course, yes, continued Eukryge. She came to dinner here one night with her father, that fat little buffer. As you were careful to call him to his face at the time, confound you, it was that that started all the trouble. Trouble? What trouble? Why her father? By Jove, I remember now. So worried lately, old boy, that my memory's gone gruggy. Of course, her father fell into the sea and you fished him out. Why, damn, it's like the stories you read. It's also very like the stories I used to write. But they had one point about them which this story hasn't. They invariably ended happily, with the father joining the heroes and heroine's hands and giving his blessing. Unfortunately, in the present case, that doesn't seem likely to happen. The old man won't give his consent? I'm afraid not. I haven't asked him yet, but the chances are against it. But why? What's the matter with you? You're an excellent chap, sound in wind and limb, and didn't you tell me once that if you married you came into a pretty sizable bit of money? Yes, I do. That part of it is all right. Eukridge's voice betrayed perplexity. I don't understand this thing, old horse, he said. I should have thought the old boy would have been all over you. Why, damn, I never heard anything like it. You saved his life. You fished him out of the water. After chucking him in, that's the trouble. You chucked him in? By proxy. I explained. Eukridge, I regret to say, laughed in a way that must have been heard miles away in distant villages in Devonshire. You devil, he bellowed. Pardon my Sam, old horse, to look at you one would have never thought you had it in you. I can't help looking respectable. What are you going to do about it? That's where I wanted your advice. You're a man of resource. What would you do in my place? Eukridge tapped me impressively on the shoulder. Laddie, he said, there's one thing that'll carry you through any mess. And that is… Cheek, my boy. Cheek. Gaul. Nerve. Why, take my case. I never told you how I came to marry, did I? I thought not. Well, it was this way. It'll do you a bit of good, perhaps, to hear the story. Or, Mark you, blessings weren't going cheap in my case, either. You know Millie's aunt Elizabeth, the female who wrote that letter? Well, when I tell you that she was Millie's nearest relative and that it was her consent I had to snaffle, you'll see that I was faced with a bit of a problem. Let's have it, I said. Well, the first time I ever saw Millie was in a first-class carriage on the underground. I'd got a third-class ticket, by the way. The carriage was full and I got up and gave her my seat. And, as I hung suspended over her by a strap, damn I fell in love with her then and there. You've no conception, Laddie, how indescribably ripping she looked, in a sort of blue dress with a bit of red in it and a hat with thing gummies. Well, we both got out at South Kensington. By that time I was gasping for air and saw that the thing wanted looking into. I'd never had much time to bother about women, but I realized that this must not be missed. I was in love, old horse. It comes over you quite suddenly, like a tidal wave. I know, I know, good heavens, you can't tell me anything about that. Well, I followed her. She went to a house in Thurlow Square. I waited outside and thought it over. I had to get into that shanty and make her acquaintance if they threw me out on my ear. So I rang the bell. Is Laddie Lickenhall at home, I asked? You spot the devilish cunning of the ruse, what? My asking for a female with a title was to make them think I was one of the upper ten. How were you dressed? I could not help asking. Oh, it was one of my frock coat days. I'd been to see a man about tutoring his son, and by a merciful dispensation of Providence there was a fellow living in the same boarding-house with me who was about my build and had a frock coat and he had lent it to me. At least he hadn't exactly lent it to me, but I knew where he kept it and he was out at the time. There was nothing the matter with my appearance. Quite the young duke, I assure you, let it down to the last button. Is Laddie Lickenhall at home, I asked? No, said the maid, nobody that name here. This is Laddie Lickenheath's house. So you see I had a bit of luck at the start because the names were a bit alike. Well, I got the maid to show me in somehow and once in you can bet I talked for all I was worth. Kept up a flow of conversation about being misdirected and coming to the wrong house. Went away and called a few days later. Gradually wormed my way in. Called regularly, spied on their movements, met him at every theatre they went to and bowed and finally got away with Millie before her aunt knew what was happening or who I was or what I was doing or anything. And what's the moral? Why go in like a mighty rushing wind? Bustle them, don't give them a moment's rest or time to think or anything. Why, if I'd given Millie's aunt Elizabeth time to think, where should we have been? Not at Comb Regis together, I'll bet. You heard that letter and know what she thinks of me now, on reflection. If I'd gone slow and played a timid waiting-game, she'd have thought that before I married Millie instead of afterwards. I give you my honest word, laddie, that there was a time, towards the middle of our acquaintance, after she had stopped mixing me up with the man who had came to wind the clocks, when that woman ate out of my hand. Twice, on two separate occasions, she actually asked my advice about feeding her toy Pomeranian. Well, that shows you. Bustle them, laddie, bustle them. You, Gridge, I said, you inspire me. You would inspire a caterpillar. I will go to the professor. I was going anyhow, but now I shall go aggressively. I will prize a father's blessing out of him if I have to do it with a crowbar. That's the way to talk, old horse. Don't beat about the bush. Tell him exactly what you want and stand no nonsense. If you don't see what you want in the window, ask for it. Where did you think of tackling him?" Phyllis tells me that he always goes for a swim before breakfast. I thought of going down to-morrow and way-laying him. You couldn't do better by Jove, said you, Gridge, suddenly. I'll tell you what I'll do, laddie. I wouldn't do it for everybody, but I'll look on you as a favourite son. I'll come with you and help break the ice. What? Don't you be under any delusion, old horse, said you, Gridge, paternally. You haven't got an easy job in front of you, and what you'll need more than anything else when you really get down to brass tax is a wise, kindly man of the world at your elbow to hoop you on when your nerve fails and generally stand in your corner and see that you get a fair show. But it's rather an intimate business. Never mind. Take my tip and have me at your side. I can say things about you that you would be too modest to say for yourself. I can plead your case, laddie. I can point out in detail all that the old boy will be missing if he gives you the missing balk. Well, that's settled, then. About eight tomorrow morning, what? I'll be there, my boy. A swim will do me good. End of chapter 18. This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Reading by Mark Nelson. Love Among the Chickens by P. G. Woodhouse Chapter 19 Asking Papa Reviewing the matter later, I could see that I made one or two blunders in my conduct of a campaign to win over Professor Derrick. In the first place, I made a bad choice of time and place. At the moment this did not strike me. It is a simple matter, I reflected, for a man to pass another by haughtily and without recognition when they meet on dry land. But when the said man, being it should be remembered an indifferent swimmer, is accosted in the water and out of his depth, the feat becomes a hard one. It seemed to me that I should have a better chance with the professor in the water than out of it. My second mistake, and this was brought home to me almost immediately, was in bringing Eukryge along. Not that I really brought him along, it was rather a case of being unable to shake him off. When he met me on the gravel outside the house at a quarter to eight on the following morning, clad in a dingy macintosh, which, swinging open, revealed a purple bathing suit, I confess that my heart sank. Unfortunately, all my efforts to dissuade him from accompanying me were attributed by him to a pardonable nervousness, or, as he put it, to the needle. Buck up, laddie, he roared encouragingly. I had anticipated this. Something seemed to tell me that your nerve would go when it came to the point. Your deucid lucky old horse to have a man like me at your side. Why, if you were alone, you wouldn't have a word to say for yourself. You just gape at the man and yammer. But I'm with you, laddie. I'm with you. If your flow of conversation dries up, count on me to keep the thing going. And so it came about that, having reached the cob and spying in the distance the gray head of the professor bobbing about on the face of the waters, we dived in and swam rapidly towards him. His face was turned in the opposite direction when we came up with him. He was floating peacefully on his back, and it was plain that he had not observed our approach. For when, treading water easily in his rear, I wished him good morning in my most conciliatory note, he stood not upon the order of his sinking, but went under like so much pig-iron. I waited courteously until he rose to the surface again, when I repeated my remark. He expelled the last remnant of water from his mouth with a wrathful splutter, and cleared his eyes with the back of his hand. I confessed to a slight feeling of apprehension as I met his gaze. Nor was my uneasiness diminished by the spectacle of Eucrid splashing tactfully in the background like a large seal. Eucrid so far had made no remarks. He had dived in very flat, and I imagined that his breath had not yet returned to him. He had the air of one who intends to get used to his surroundings before trusting himself to speech. The water is delightfully warm, I said. Oh, it's you, said the Professor, and I could not cheat myself into the belief that he had spoke cordially. Eucrid snorted loudly in the offing. The Professor turned sharply, as if anxious to observe this marine phenomenon, and the annoyed gurgle which he gave showed that he was not approving of Eucrid, either. I did not approve of Eucrid myself. I wished he had not come. Eucrid, in the water, lacks dignity. I felt that he prejudiced my case. You are swimming splendidly this morning. I went on perseveringly, feeling that an ounce of flattery is worth a pound of rhetoric. If, I added, you will allow me to say so. I will not, he snapped. I, here, a small wave, noticed that his mouth was open, stepped in. I wish, he resumed warmly, as I said in me letter, to have nothing to do with you. I consider that you have behaved in a manner that can only be described as abominable, and I will thank you to leave me alone. But allow me. I will not allow you, sir. I will allow you nothing. Is it not enough to make me the laughing-stock, the but-sir of this town, without pursuing me in this way when I wish to enjoy a quiet swim?" Now, laddy, laddy," said Eucrid, placing a large hand on his shoulder. These are harsh words. Be reasonable. Think before you speak. You little know. Go to the devil," said the professor. I wish to have nothing to do with either of you. I should be glad if you would cease this persecution. Persecution, sir!" His remarks, which I have placed on paper as if they were continuous and uninterrupted, were punctuated in reality by a series of gasps and puffings, as he received and rejected the successors of the wave he had swallowed at the beginning of our little chat. The art of conducting conversation while in the water was not given to every swimmer. This, he seemed to realize, for as if to close the interview he proceeded to make his way as quickly as he could to the shore. Unfortunately, his first dash brought him squarely up against Eucrid, who, not having expected the collision, clutched wildly at him and took him below the surface again. They came up a moment later on the worst terms. Are you trying to drown me, sir? barked the professor. My dear old horse, said Eucrid's complainingly, it's a little hard. You might look where you're going. You grappled with me. You took me by surprise, laddie. Read yourself of the impression that you're playing water polo. But professor, I said, joining the group and treading water, one moment. I could have ducked him, but for the reflection that my prospects of obtaining his consent to my engagement would scarcely have been enhanced thereby. But professor, I said, one moment. Go away, sir. I have nothing to say to you. But he has lots to say to you, said Eucrid's. Now's the time, old horse," he added, encouragingly to me, spill the news. Without preamble, I gave out the text of my address. I love your daughter, Phyllis, Mr. Derrick. She loves me. In fact, we are engaged. Devilish well put, laddie," said Eucrid, approvingly. The professor went under as if he had been seized with a cramp. It was a little trying, having to argue with a man of whom one could not predict with certainty that at any given moment he could not be underwater. He attended to spoil the flow of one's eloquence. The best of arguments is useless if the listener suddenly disappears in the middle of it. Stick to it, old horse," said Eucrid. I think you're going to bring it off. I stuck to it. Mr. Derrick, I said as his head emerged, you are naturally surprised. You would be," said Eucridge. We don't blame you," he added handsomely. You, you, you! So far from cooling the professor, liberal doses of water seem to make him more heated. You imputed scoundrel! My reply was more gentlemanly, more courteous on a higher plane altogether. I said winningly, cannot we let bygones be bygones? From his remarks I gathered that we could not. I continued. I was under the unfortunate necessity of having to condense my speech. I was not able to let myself go as I could have wished for time was an important consideration. Air long, swallowing water at his present rate, the professor must inevitably become waterlogged. I have loved your daughter, ever since I first saw her. And he's a capital chap," interjected Eucridge. One of the best! Known him for years. You'll like him. I learned last night that she loved me, but she will not marry me without your consent. Stretch your arms out straight from the shoulders and fill your lungs well and you can't sink. So I have come this morning to ask for your consent. Better! A very sound fellow! Pots of money too! At least he will have when he marries. I know we haven't been on the best of terms lately. For heaven's sake, don't try to talk or you'll sink. The fault, I said generously, was mine. Well put!" said Eucridge. But when you have heard my explanation, I am sure you will forgive me. There, I told you so. He reappeared some few feet to the left. I swam up and resumed. When you left us so abruptly after our little dinner party, come again some night, said Eucridge cordially, any time you're passing. You put me in a very awkward position. I was desperately in love with your daughter and as long as you were in the frame of mind in which you had left, I could not hope to find an opportunity of revealing feelings is good, said Eucridge approvingly. Neat! You see what a fix I was in, don't you? Keep your arms well out. I thought for hours and hours to try and find some means of bringing about a reconciliation. You wouldn't believe how hard I thought. God as thin as a corkscrew, said Eucridge. At last, seeing you fishing one morning when I was on the cob, it struck me all of a sudden. You know how it is, said Eucridge. All of a sudden that the very best way would be to arrange a little boating accident. I was confident that I could rescue you all right. Here I paused and he seized the opportunity to curse me, briefly with a wary eye on an incoming wavelet. If it hadn't been for the inscrutable workings of Providence, Romania for upsetting everything, all would have been well. In fact, all was well till you found out. Always the way, said Eucridge, sadly. Always the way. You young blaggard! He managed to slip past me and made for the shore. Look at the thing from the standpoint of a philosopher, old horse, urged Eucridge, splashing after him. The fact that the rescue arranged oughtn't to matter. I mean to say, you didn't know it at the time, so relatively it was not. And you were genuinely saved from a watery grave and all that sort of thing. I had not imagined Eucridge capable of such an excursion into metaphysics. I saw the truth of his line of argument so clearly that it seemed to me impossible for anyone else to get confused over it. I had certainly pulled the professor out of the water and the fact that I had first caused him to be pushed in had nothing to do with the case. Either a man is a gallant rescuer or he is not a gallant rescuer. There is no middle course. I had saved his life for he would certainly have drowned if left to himself and I was entitled to his gratitude. That was all there was to be said about it. These things both Eucridge and I tried to make plain as we swam along. But whether it was that the salt water he had swallowed had dulled the professor's normally keen intelligence or that our power of stating a case was too weak, the fact remains that he reached the beach an unconvinced man. Then may I consider, I said, that your objections are removed, I have your consent? He stamped angrily and his bare foot came down on a small sharp pebble. With a brief exclamation he seized his foot in one hand and hopped up the beach. While hopping he delivered his ultimatum. Probably the only instance on record of a father adopting this attitude in dismissing a suitor. You may not, he cried. You may consider no such thing. My objections were never more absolute. Tain me in the water, sir, till I am blue, sir, blue with cold in order to listen to the most preposterous and impudent nonsense I ever heard. This was unjust. If he had listened attentively from the first and avoided interruptions and had not behaved like a submarine we should have got through the business in half the time. I said so. Don't talk to me, sir, hobbling off to his dressing-tent. I will not listen to you. I have nothing to do with you. I consider you impudencer. I assure you it was unintentional. Ish! he said. Being the first occasion and the last on which I have ever heard that remarkable monosyllable produced from the mouth of a man, and he vanished into his tent. Laddie! said Eucreate solemnly. Do you know what I think? Well? You haven't clicked the old horse, said Eucreate. End of chapter 19 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org Reading by Mark Nelson Love Among the Chains by P. G. Woodhouse Chapter 20 Scientific Golf People are continually writing to the papers, or it may be one solitary enthusiast who writes under a number of pseudonyms, on the subject of sport and the overdoing of the same by the modern young man. I recall one letter in which efficiency gave it as his opinion that if the young man played less golf and did more drill he would be all the better for it. I propose to report my doings with the professor on the links at some length in order to refute this absurd view. Everybody ought to play golf and nobody can begin it too soon. There ought not to be a single able-bodied infant in the British Isles who has not foosled a drive. I propose to report my doings who has not foosled a drive. To take my case suppose I had employed in drilling the hours I had spent in learning to handle my clubs. I might have drilled before the professor by the week without softening his heart. I might have ported arms and grounded arms and presented arms and generally behaved in the manner advocated by efficiency and what would have been the result. Indifference on his part or, and if I overdid the thing, irritation. Whereas by devoting a reasonable portion of my youth to learning the intricacies of golf, I was enabled. It happened in this way. To me, as I stood with Eukridge in the foul run in the morning following my maritime conversation with the professor, regarding a hen that had posed before us, obviously with a view to inspection, there appeared a man carrying an envelope. Eukridge, who by this time saw, as Calverly almost said, under every hat had done and imagined that no envelope could contain anything but a small account, softly and silently vanished away, leaving me to interview the enemy. Mr. Garnet, sir, said the foe. I recognized him. He was Professor Derek's gardener. I opened the envelope. No. Father's blessings were absent. The letter was in the third person. Professor Derek begged to inform Mr. Garnet that by defeating Mr. Saul Potter, he had qualified for the final round of the Comb Regis Golf Tournament, in which he understood Mr. Garnet was to be his opponent. If it would be convenient for Mr. Garnet to play off the match on the present afternoon, Professor Derek would be obliged if he would be at the clubhouse at half-past two. If this hour and day were unsuitable, would he kindly arrange others? The bearer would wait. The bearer did wait. He waited for half an hour, as I found it impossible to shift him, not caring to use violence on a man well stricken in years without first plying him with drink. He absorbed more of our diminishing cask of beer than we could conveniently spare and then trudged off with a note beautifully written in the third person, in which Mr. Garnet, after numerous compliments and thanks, begged to inform Professor Derek that he would be at the clubhouse at the hour mentioned. And, I added, to myself, not in the note, I will give him such a licking that he'll brain himself with a pleased with the Professor. I was conscious of a malicious joy at the prospect of snatching the prize from him. I knew he had set his heart on winning the tournament this year. To be runner-up two years in succession stimulates the desire for first place. It would be doubly bitter to him to be beaten by a newcomer after the absence of his rival the Colonel had awakened hope in him. I could do it. Even allowing for bad luck and I am never a very unlucky golfer, I could rely almost with certainty on crushing the man. And I'll do it, I said to Bob, who had trotted up. I often make Bob the recipient of my confidences. He listens appreciatively and never interrupts. And he never has grievances of his own. If there is one person I dislike, it is the man who tries to air his grievances when I wish to air mine. Bob, I said, running his tail through my fingers. Listen to me, my old university chum, for I have matured a dark scheme. Don't run away, you know you don't really want to go and look at that chicken. Listen to me. If I am informed this afternoon and I feel in my bones that I shall nurse the professor. I shall play with him. Do you understand the principles of match play at golf, Robert? You score by holes, not strokes. There are eighteen holes. All right, how was I to know that you knew without my telling you? Well, if you understand so much about the game, you will appreciate my dark scheme. I shall toy with the professor, I shall let him get ahead and then catch him up. I shall go ahead myself and let him catch me up. I shall race him neck and neck to the very end. Then, when his hair has turned white with the strain, and he's lost a couple of stone in weight, and his eyes are starting out of his head, and he's praying, if he ever does pray, to the gods of golf that he may be allowed to win, let him by a hole. I'll teach him, Robert. He shall taste of my despair, and learn by proof in some wild hour how much the wretched dare. And when it's all over, and he's torn all his hair out and smashed all his clubs, I shall go and commit suicide off the cob. Because you see, if I can't marry Phyllis, I shan't have any use for life. I mean it, I said, rolling him on his back and punching him on the chest till his breathing became sturdierous. You don't see the sense of it, I know. But then you've got none of the finer feelings. You're a jolly good dog, Robert, but you're a rank materialist. Bones and cheese and potatoes with gravy over them make you happy. You don't know what it is to be in love. Apoplexy. It has been my aim in the course of this narrative to extenuate nothing, nor set down ought in malice. Like the gentlemen who played Yooker with the heathen Chinese, I state but facts. I do not therefore slur over my scheme for disturbing the professor's peace of mind. I am not always good and noble. I am the hero of this story, but there are moments. I felt ruthless towards the professor. I cannot plead ignorance of the golfer's point of view as an excuse for my ploddings. I knew that to one whose soul is in the game as the professor's was, the agony of being just beaten in an important match exceeds in bitterness all other agonies. I knew that if I scraped through by the smallest possible margin, his appetite be destroyed, his sleep a night's broken. He would wake from fitful slumber moaning that if he had only used his iron instead of his mashy at the tenth, all would have been well. That, if he had putted more carefully on the seventh green, life would not be drear and blank. That a more judicious manipulation of his brassy throughout might have given him something to live for. All these things I knew. And they did not touch me. I was adamant. The professor was waiting for me at the clubhouse and greeted me with a cold and stately inclination of the head. Beautiful day for golf, I observed in my gay, chatty manner. He bowed in silence. Very well, I thought, wait. Just wait. Miss Derrick is well, I hope, I added, allowed. That drew him. He started. His aspect became doubly forbidding. Miss Derrick is perfectly well, sir, I thank you. And you, no bad effect I hope from your dip yesterday? Mr. Garnet, I came here for golf, not conversation, he said. We made it so. I drove off from the first tee. It was a splendid drive. I should not say so if there were anyone else to say so for me. Modesty would forbid. But, as there is no one, I must repeat the statement. It was one of the best drives of my experience. The ball flashed through the air, took the bunker with a dozen feet to spare and rolled on to the green. I had felt all along that I should be in form. Unless my opponent was equally above himself, he was a lost man. I could toy with him. The excellence of my drive had not been without its effect on the professor. I could see that he was not confident. He addressed his ball more strangely and at greater length than anyone I had ever seen. He waggled his club over it with a stirring trick. Then he struck and topped it. The ball rolled two yards. He looked at it in silence. Then he looked at me also in silence. I was gazing seawards. When I looked round he was getting to work with a brassie. This time he hit the bunker and rolled back. He repeated this maneuver twice. Hard luck! I murmured, sympathetically on the third occasion, thereby going as near to being slain with a niblick as it has ever been my lot to go. Your true golfer is easily roused in times of misfortune and there was a red gleam in the eye of the professor turned to me. I shall pick my ball up! he growled. He walked on in silence to the second hole. He did the second hole in four which was good. I did it in three which, unfortunately for him, was better. I won the third hole. I won the fourth hole. I won the fifth hole. I glanced at my opponent out of the corner of my eyes. The man was suffering. Beads of perspiration stood out on his forehead. His play had become wilder and wilder at each hole in arithmetical progression. If he had been a plow he could hardly have turned up more soil. The imagination recoiled from the thought of what he could be doing in another half-hour if he deteriorated at his present speed. A feeling of calm and content stole over me. I was not sorry for him. He was the uppermost in me. Once, when he missed the ball clean at the fifth tee, his eye met mine and we stood staring at each other for a full half-minute without moving. I believe, if I had smiled then, he would have attacked me without hesitation. There's a type of golfer who really almost ceases to be human under the stress of the wild agony of a series of games. The sixth hole involves the player in a somewhat tricky piece of cross-country work owing to the fact that there is a nasty ditch to be negotiated some fifty yards from the green. It is a beast of a ditch, which, if you are out of luck, just catches your second shot. All hope-abandoned ye who enter here might be written on a notice board over it. The unhappy man sent his second as nice and clean a brassy shot as he had made all day into its very jaws. And then madness seized him. A merciful local rule, framed by kindly men who have been in that ditch themselves, enacts that in such a case the player may take his ball and throw it over his shoulder, losing a stroke. But once, so the legend runs, the fetchman who found himself trapped, scorning to avail himself of this rule at the expense of its accompanying penalty, wrought so shrewdly with his niblick that he not only got out, but actually laid his ball dead. And now, optimists sometimes imitate his gallantry, though no one yet has been able to imitate his success. The professor decided to take a chance, but he failed miserably. As I was on the green with my third, and unless I put it extremely poorly, was morally certain to be down in five, which is bogey for the whole, there was not much practical use in his continuing to struggle, but he did in a spirit of pure vindictiveness as if he were trying to take it out of the ball. It was a grisly sight to see him, head and above the ditch, hewing at his obstinate kernel. It was a similar spectacle that once induced a lay spectator of a golf match to observe that he considered hockey a silly game. Sixteen, said the professor between his teeth, then he picked up his ball. I won the seventh hole. I won the eighth hole. The ninth we have'd, for in the depths of my soul, I had formed a plan of fiendish subtlety. I intended to allow him to win, with extreme labor, eight holes in succession. Then, when hope was once more strong in him, I would win the last, and he would go mad. I watched him carefully as we trudged on. Emotions chased one another across his face. When he won the tenth hole, he merely refrained from oaths. When he won the eleventh, a sort of sullen pleasure showed in his face. It was at the thirteenth that I detected the first dawning of hope. From then onward it grew. When, with a sequence of shocking shots, he took the seventeenth hole in seven, he was in a parlous condition. Within him a desire for conversation. He wanted, as it were, to flap his wings and crow. I could see dignity was wrestling with talkativeness. I gave him the lead. You have got your form now, I said. Talkativeness had it. Dignity retired hurt. Speech came from him in a rush. When he brought off an excellent 18th tee, he seemed to forget everything. Me dear boy, he began and stopped abruptly in some confusion. Silence once more brooded over us as we played ourselves up the fairway and on to the green. He was on the green in four. I reached it in three. His sixth stroke took him out. I putted carefully to the very mouth of the hole. I walked up to my ball and paused. I looked at the professor. He looked at me. Go on, he said, hoarsely. Suddenly a wave of compassion flooded over me. What right had I to torture the man like this? Professor, I said. Go on, he repeated. That looks a simple shot, I said, eyeing him steadily. But I might miss it. He started. And then you would win the championship. He dabbed at his forehead with a wet ball of a handkerchief. It would be very pleasant for you after getting so near it the last two years. Go on, he said for the third time, but there was a note of choice. Sudden joy, I said, would almost certainly make me miss it. We looked at each other. He had the golf fever in his eyes. If, I said slowly, lifting my putter, you were to give your consent to my marriage with Phyllis. He looked from me to the ball, from the ball to me and back to the ball. It was very, very near the hole. Why not, I said. He looked up and burst into a roar of laughter. You young devil, said he, smiting his thigh. You young devil, you've beaten me. On the contrary, I said, you have beaten me. I left the professor at the clubhouse and raced back to the farm. Poor my joys into a sympathetic ear. Eukridge, I knew, would offer that same sympathetic ear. A good fellow, Eukridge, always interested in what you had to tell him. Never bored. Eukridge, I shouted. No answer. I flung open the dining-room door. Nobody. I went to the drawing-room. It was empty. I drew the garden and his bedroom. He must have gone for a stroll, I said. I rang the bell. The hired retainer appeared, calm and imperturbable as ever. Sir? Oh, where is Mr. Eukridge, Beale? Mr. Eukridge, sir, said the hired retainer, nonchalantly, has gone. Gone? Yes, sir. Mr. Eukridge and Mrs. Eukridge went away together by the three o'clock train. End of Chapter 20 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Reading by Mark Nelson Love Among the Chickens by P. G. Woodhouse Chapter 21 The Calm Before the Storm Beale, I said. Are you drunk? Wish I was, sir, said the hired man. Then what on earth do you mean? Gone? Where have they gone to? Don't know, sir. London, I expect. London, why? Don't know, sir. When did they go? Oh, you told me that. Didn't they say why they were going? No, sir. Didn't you ask? Are they packing up and going to the station? Didn't you do anything? No, sir. Why on earth not? I didn't see them, sir. I only found out as they'd gone after they'd been and went, sir. Walking down by the net and mackerel, met one of them coastguards. Oh, says he, so you're moving. Who's a moving, I says to him? Well, he says to me, I've seen your Mr. Yukridge and his Mrs. get into the three o'clock train for Axmenster. I thought as you was all a moving. Ho, I says. Ho, wondering, and I goes on. When I gets back I ask the Mrs. did she see them packing their boxes and she says, no, she says. They didn't pack no boxes as she note of. And blowed if they had, Mr. Garnet, sir. What, they didn't pack? No, sir. We looked at one another. Bill, I said. Sir. Do you know what I think? Yes, sir. They bolted. So I says to the Mrs. sir, it struck me right off in a manner of speaking. This is awful, I said. Yes, sir. His face betrayed no emotion but he was one of those men whose expression never varies. It's a way they have in the army. I was once thinking out, Bill, I said. Yes, sir. You better ask Mrs. Bill to give me some dinner and then I'll think it over. Yes, sir. I was in an unpleasant position. You gridge by his defection had left me in charge of the farm. I could dissolve the concern I supposed if I wished and returned to London but I particularly desired to remain in comb regis. I had won on the links. It was necessary for me to continue as I had begun. I was in the position of a general who has conquered a hostile country and is obliged to soothe the feelings of the conquered people before his labours can be considered at an end. I had rushed the professor. It must now be my aim to keep him from regretting that he had been rushed. I must therefore stick to my post and reach. There would be trouble. Of that I was certain. As soon as the news got about that Eukridge had gone the deluge would begin. His creditors would abandon their passive tactics and take active steps. There was a chance that aggressive measures would be confined to the enemy at our gates, the tradesmen of comb regis. But the probability was of Dorchester and Axminster rushed to the scene of hostilities. I summoned Beale after dinner and held a council of war. It was no time for airy perciflage. I said, Beale, we're in the cart. Sir? Mr. Eukridge going away like this has left me in a most unpleasant position. I would like to talk it over with you. I dare say you know that we, Mr. Eukridge owes a considerable amount of money round about here to tradesmen. Yes, sir. Well, when they found out that he has... shot the moon, sir, suggested the hired retainer helpfully. Gone to town, I amended. When they find out that he has gone up to town, they are likely to come bothering us a good deal. Yes, sir. I fancy that we shall have all round here tomorrow. News of this sort always spreads quickly. The point is, then, what are we to do? He propounded no scheme but stood in an easy attitude of attention waiting for me to continue. I continued. Let's see exactly how we stand, I said. My point is that I particularly wish to go on living down here for at least another fortnight. Of course, my position is simple. I am Mr. Eukridge's guest. I shall go on living as I have been doing up to the present. He asked me down here to help him look after the fowls, so I shall go on looking after them. Complications set in when we come to consider you and Mrs. Biel. I suppose you won't care to stop on after this. The hired retainer scratched his chin and glanced out of the window. The moon was up and the garden looked cool and mysterious in the dim light. It's a pretty place, Mr. Garnet, sir, he said. It is, I said, but about other considerations. There's the matter of wages. Are yours in arrears? Yes, sir, a month. And Mrs. Biel's the same, I suppose? Yes, sir, a month. Hmm. Well, it seems to me, Biel, you can't lose anything by stopping on. I can't be paid any less than I have been, sir," he agreed. Exactly. And, as you say, it's a pretty place. You might as well stop on and help me in the fowl run. What do you think? Very well, sir. And Mrs. Biel will do the same? Yes, sir. That's excellent. I shan't forget you. There's a cheque coming to me from a magazine in another week for a short story. When it arrives, I'll look into that matter of back wages. Tell Mrs. Biel I much obliged to her, will you? Yes, sir. Having concluded that delicate business, I lit my pipe and strolled out into the garden with Bob. I cursed Eukridge as I walked. In this way, even if I had not been his friend, it would have been bad. The fact that we had known each other for years made it doubly discreditable. He might at least have warned me and given me the option of leaving the sinking ship with him. But, I reflected, I ought not to be surprised. His whole career, as long as I had known him, had been dotted with little eccentricities of a type of unfeeling world generally stigmatizes as shady. They were small things, it was true, but they ought to have warned me. We are most of us wise after the event. When the wind is blown, we can generally discover a multitude of straws which should have shown us which way it was blowing. Once, I remembered, in our schoolmaster days, when guineas, though regular were few, we had had occasion to release his wardrobe. If I recollect rightly, he thought he had a chance of a good position in the tutoring line and only needed good clothes to make it his. We took four pounds of his salary in advance. He was in the habit of doing this. He never had any salary left by the end of term, it having vanished in advanced loans beforehand. With this, he was to buy two suits, a hat, new boots, and collars. When it came to making the purchases, he found what he had overlooked previously in his optimistic way that four pounds did not go very far. At the time, I remember, I thought his method of grappling with the situation humorous. He bought a hat for three and six pence, and got the suits and boots on the installment system, paying a small sum in advance, as earnest of more to come. Then he pawned one suit to pay for the first few installments and finally departed to be known no more. His address he had given, with a false name, at an empty house, and when the tailor arrived with his minions of the law, all he found was an annoyed caretaker and a pile of letters written by himself containing his bill in its various stages of evolution. Or again, there was a bicycle and photograph shop near the school. He went into this one day and his roving eye fell on a tandem bicycle. He did not want a tandem bicycle, but that influenced him not at all. He ordered it provisionally. He also ordered an enlarging camera, a Kodak, and a magic lantern. The order was booked and the goods were to be delivered when he had made up his mind concerning them. After a week, the shopman went round to ask if there were any further particulars which Mr. Eukridge would like to learn before definitely ordering them. Mr. Eukridge sent back word that he was considering the matter and that in the meantime would he be so good as to let him have that little clockwork man in his window which walked when wound up. Having got this and not paid for it, Eukridge thought that he had done handsomely by the bicycle and photograph man where things were square between them. The latter met him a few days afterwards and expostulated plaintively. Eukridge explained. My good man, he said. You know, I really think we need say no more about the matter. Really, you have come out of it very well. Now look here. Which would you rather be owed for? A clockwork man, which is broken and you can have it back? A random bicycle and enlarging camera, a Kodak and a magic lantern. What? His reasoning was too subtle for the uneducated mind. The man retired, puzzled and unpaid and Eukridge kept the clockwork toy. End of Chapter 21 This is a LibriVox recording. All LibriVox recordings are in the public domain. For more information or to volunteer, visit LibriVox.org. Reading by Mark Nelson. Love Among the Chickens by P. G. Woodhouse Chapter 22 The Storm Breaks Rather to my surprise, the next morning passed off uneventfully. Our knocker advertised no done. Our lawn remained untrodden by hob-nailed boots. By lunchtime I had come to the conclusion that the expected trouble would not occur that day and I felt that I might well leave my post for the afternoon while I went to the professors to pay my respects. The professor was out when I arrived. Phyllis was in and it was not till the evening that I started for the farm again. As I approached, the sound of voices smoked my ears. I stopped. Then came the rich notes of vickers the butcher. Then beel again. Then dollish the grocer. Then a chorus. The storm had burst and in my absence. I blushed for myself. I was in command and I had deserted the fort in time of need. What must the faithful hired man be thinking of me? Probably he placed me, he had placed Ugridge in the ragged ranks of those who have shot the moon. Fortunately, having just come from the professors, I was in the costume which of all my wardrobe was most calculated to impress. To a casual observer I should probably suggest wealth and respectability. I stopped for a moment to cool myself, for as is my habit when then opened the gate and strode in, trying to look as opulent as possible. It was an animated scene that met my eyes. In the middle of the lawn stood the devoted beel, a little more flush than I had seen him hither too, parlaying with a burly and excited young man without a coat. Grouped round the pair were some dozen men, young, middle-aged and old, all dressed. I could distinguish nothing of what they were saying. I noticed that Beel's left cheekbone was a little discolored and there was a hard dogged expression on his face. He too was in his shirt sleeves. My entry created no sensation. Nobody, apparently, had heard the latch click and nobody had caught sight of me. Their eyes were fixed on my feet and watched them. There seemed to have been trouble already. Looking more closely, I perceived sitting on the grass apart a second young man. His face was obscured by a dirty pocket handkerchief with which he dabbed tenderly at his features. Every now and then the shirt-sleeved young man flung his hands towards him with an indignant gesture, talking hard the while. We need a preternaturally keen observer to deduce what had happened. Beel must have fallen out with the young man who was sitting on the grass and smitten him and now his friend had taken up the quarrel. Now this, I said to myself, is rather interesting. Here in this one farm we have the only three known methods of dealing with dunes. Ugridge is an apostle of evasion. I shall try conciliation. I wonder which of us will be the most successful. Meanwhile, not to spoil Beel's efforts by allowing him too little scope for experiment, I refrain from making my presence known and continue to stand by the gate an interested spectator. Things were evidently moving now. The young man's gestures became more vigorous. The dogged look on Beel's face deepened. The comments of the ring increased in point and pungency. What did you hit him for, then? The question was put, always the same words and with the same air of quiet triumph at intervals of thirty seconds by a little man in a snuff-coloured suit with a purple tie. Nobody ever answered him or appeared to listen to him, seemed each time to think that he had clinched the matter and cornered his opponent. Other voices chimed in. You hit him, Charlie! Go on! You hit him! We'll have the law! Go on, Charlie! Flushed with the favour of the many-headed, Charlie now proceeded from threats to action. His right fist swung round suddenly, but Beel was on the alert. He ducked sharply and the next Charlie was sitting on the ground beside his fallen friend. A hush fell on the ring and the little man in the purple tie was left repeating his formula without support. I advanced. It seemed to me that the time had come to be conciliatory. Charlie was struggling to his feet, obviously anxious for a second round, and Beel was getting into position once more. In another five minutes the conciliation would be out of the question. What's all this, I said? I may mention here that I do not propose to inflict dialect upon the reader. If he had borne with my narrative so far I look on him as a friend and feel that he deserves consideration. I may not have brought out the fact with sufficient emphasis in the foregoing pages, but nevertheless I protest that I have a conscience. Not so much as a thicky shall we find. My advent caused a stir. Excited men left Beel and rallied round me. Charlie, rising to his feet, found himself dethroned from his position of man of the moment and stood blinking at the setting sun and opening and shutting his mouth. There was a buzz of conversation. Don't all speak at once, please, I said. I can't possibly follow what you say. Perhaps you will tell me what you want. I singled out a short stout man in grey. He wore the largest whiskers ever seen on a human face. It's like this, sir. We all of us want to know where we are. I can tell you that, I said, you're on our lawn and I should be much obliged if you would stop digging your heels into it. It's not, I suppose, conciliation in the strictest and best sense of the word. But the thing had to be said. It is the duty of every good citizen to do his best to score off men with whiskers. You don't understand me, sir, he said excitedly. When I said we didn't know where we were, it was a manner of speaking. We want to know how we stand. On your heels, I replied gently as I pointed out before. I am brass, sir, of Axminster. My account with Mr. Eukridge has ten pounds, eight shillings and four pence. I want to know. The whole strength of the company now joined in. You know me, Mr. Garnet, Applebee in the high, voice lost in the general roar, and eight pence. My account with Mr. Euk, settle, I represent it. A diversion occurred at this point. Charlie, who had long been eyeing Beale sourly, dashed at him with swinging fists and was knocked down again. The whole trend of the meeting altered once more. Conciliation became a drug. Violence was what the people wanted. Beale had three fights in rapid succession. I was helpless. Instinct prompted me to join the fray, but prudence told me that such a course would be fatal. At least in a lull I managed to catch the hired retainer by the arm as he drew back from the prostrate form of his latest victim. Drop it, Beale! I whispered hotly. Drop it! We shall never manage these people if you knock them about. Go indoors and stay there while I talk to them. Mr. Garnet, sir, said he, the light of battle dying out of his eyes. It's hard. It's cruel hard. I ain't had a turn up. Not to call a turn up since I've been a time-expired man. I ain't hitin' of him, Mr. Garnet, sir. Not hard I ain't. That there first of him he played me dirty, hittin' at me when I wasn't looking. They can't say as I started it. That's all right, Beale. I said soothingly. I know it wasn't your fault and I know it's hard on you to have to stop, but I wish you would go indoors. I must talk to these men and we shan't have a moment's peace while you're here. Cut along. Very well, sir, but it's hard. Made to have just one go at that charlie, Mr. Garnet, he asked wistfully. No, no, go in. And if they goes for you, sir, and tries to wipe the face off you, they won't, they won't. If they do, I'll shout for you. He went reluctantly into the house and I turned again to my audience. If you will kindly be quiet for a moment, I said. I am Applebee, Mr. Garnet, in the High Street, Mr. Eukridge, in the buildings kindly glance. I waved my hands wildly above my head. Stop, stop, stop, I shouted. The babble continued, but diminished gradually in volume. Through the trees as I waited I caught a glimpse of the sea. I wished I was out on the cob, where beyond these voices there was peace. My head was beginning to ache and I felt faint for want of food. Gentlemen! I cried as the noise died away. The latch of the gate clicked. I looked up and saw a tall, thin young man in a frock coat and silk hat enter the garden. It was the first time I had seen the costume in the country. He approached me. Mr. Eukridge, sir, he said. My name is Garnet. Mr. Eukridge is away at the moment. I come from Whiteley's, Mr. Garnet. Our Mr. Blankensop, having written on several occasions to Mr. Eukridge, calling his attention to the fact that his account has been allowed to mount to a considerable figure and having received no satisfactory reply, desired me to visit him. I am sorry that he is not at home. So am I, I said with feeling. Do you expect him to return shortly? No, I said. I do not. He was looking curiously at the expected ban of duns. I forestalled his question. Those are some of Mr. Eukridge's creditors, I said. I am just about to address them. Perhaps you will take a seat. The grass is quite dry. My remarks will embrace you as well as them. Comprehension came into his face and the natural man in him peeped through the polish. Great, Scott! Has he done a bunk? He cried. To the best of my knowledge? Yes, I said. He whistled. I turned again to the local talent. Gentlemen, I shouted. Hear, hear! Said some idiot. Gentlemen, I intend to be quite frank with you. We must decide just how matters stand between us. A voice wears Eukridge. Mr. Eukridge left for London suddenly. Bitter laughter. Yesterday afternoon. Personally, I think you will come back very shortly. Hoots of derision greeted this prophecy. I resumed. I failed to see your object in coming here. I have nothing for you. I wanted to. It began to be born upon me that I was becoming unpopular. I am here simply as Mr. Eukridge's guest, I proceeded. After all, why should I spare the man? I have nothing whatever to do with his business affairs. I refuse absolutely to be regarded as in any way indebted to you. I am sorry for you. You have my sympathy. That is all I can give you. Sympathy and good advice. Disatisfaction. I was getting myself disliked. And I had meant to be so conciliatory to speak to these unfortunate words of cheer which should be as olive oil poured into a wound. For I really did sympathize with them. I considered that Eukridge had used them disgracefully. But I was irritated. My head ached abominably. Then am I to tell our Mr. Blinkensob, asked the frock-coated one, that the money is not and will not be forthcoming? When the next time you smoke a quiet cigar with your Mr. Blinkensob, I replied courteously, and find the conversation flagging, I rather think I should say something of the sort. We shall, of course, instruct our solicitors at once to institute legal proceedings against your Mr. Eukridge. Don't call him my Mr. Eukridge. You can do whatever you please. That is your last word on the subject? I hope so, but I fear not. Where's our money? demanded a discontented voice from the crowd. An idea struck me. Beal, I shouted. Out came the hired retainer at the double. I fancy he thought that his help was needed to save me from my friends. He slowed down, seeing me as yet unassaulted. Sir, he said, isn't there a case of that whiskey left somewhere, Beal? I had struck the right note. There was a hush of pleased anticipation among the audience. Sir, one. Then bring it out here and open it. Beal looked pained. For them, sir, he ejaculated. Yes, hurry up. He hesitated, then without a word went into the house. A hearty cheer went up as he reappeared with the case. I proceeded in doors in search of glasses and water. Coming out I realized my folly in having left Beal alone with our visitors even for a minute. A brisk battle was raging between him and a man whom I do not remember to have seen before. The frock-coated young man was looking on with a pale fear stamped upon his face, but the rest of the crowd were shouting advice and encouragement was being given to Beal. How, I wondered, had he pacified the mob? As I ran up as quickly as I could, hampered as I was by the jugs and glasses, Beal knocked his man out with the clean precision of the experienced boxer, and the crowd explained in chorus that it was the pot boy from the net and mackerel. Like everything else the whiskey had not been paid for and the pot boy, arriving just as the case was being opened, had made a gallant effort to save it from being distributed free to his fellow citizens. By the time he came to the glasses were circulating merrily, and on observing this he accepted the situation philosophically enough and took his turn and turn about with the others. Everybody was now in excellent fetal. The only malcontents were Beal, whose heart plainly bled at the waist of good Scotch whiskey, and the frock-coated young man who was still pallid. I was just congratulating myself as I eyed the revelers on having achieved a masterstroke of strategy, when that demon Charlie, his defeat I suppose still rankling, made a suggestion. From his point of view a timely and ingenious suggestion. We can't see the color of our money he said pithily, but we can have our own back. That settled it. The battle was over. The most skillful general must sometimes recognize defeat. I recognized it then and threw up my hand. I could do nothing further with them. I had done my best for the farm. I could do no more. I lit my pipe and strolled into the paddock. Chaos followed. Indoors and out-of-doors they raged without check. Even Beal gave the thing up. He knocked Charlie into a flower bed and then disappeared in the direction of the kitchen. It was growing dusk. From inside the house came faint sounds of Bibelous mirth as the sacking party empty the rooms of their contents. In the fowl run a hen was crooning sleepily in its coop. It was a very soft, liquid, soothing sound. Presently out came the invaders with their loot. One with a picture, another with a vase, another bearing the gramophone upside down. They were singing in many keys and times. Then I heard somebody, Charlie again it seemed to me, propose a raid on the fowl run. The fowls had had their moments of unrest since they had been our property, but what they had gone through with us was peace compared to what befell them then. Not even on the second evening of our visit when we had run unmeasured miles in pursuit of them had there been such confusion. Roused abruptly from their beauty sleep they fled in all directions. Their pursuers, roaring with laughter, staggered after them. They stumbled over one another. The summer evening was made hideous with the noise of them. Disgraceful, sir. Is it not disgraceful? Said a voice in my ear. The young man from Whiteley stood beside me. He did not look happy. His forehead was damp. Somebody seemed to have stepped on his hat and his coat was smeared with mould. I was turning to answer him when from the dusk in the direction of the house came a sudden roar. A passionate appeal to the world in general to tell the speaker what all this meant. There was only one man of my acquaintance with a voice like that. I walked without hurry towards him. Good evening, Ugridge, I said. End of Chapter 22