 Welcome back to the 21 convention. I hope everybody enjoyed their quick little break. Our next speaker is head of live training at the Social Man. He's been in the industry for approximately five years and it's his third time speaking at the 21 convention. Welcome Nick Sparks. Yeah, give it up for me. Oh no. How's everybody doing today? Yeah, pretty amazing convention that Anthony puts on year after year. Round of applause for Anthony. This is cheesy. This is just but I'm gonna do it anyway. So I had about like 15 or 20 minutes or so prepared where I was just gonna talk about myself, give you a little intro, talk about my past, let you really get to know me for a while, right? Then I realized that you probably really didn't give a shit about that so I decided to cut that portion. Unless somebody does, would anybody like to hear about my history, my past? Alright, I appreciate that guys. You're very sweet. Thank you. Or would you rather I just kind of just cut into advice, things that might actually be beneficial or helpful for you? Yes? Show of hands for, for the intro, show of hands? Thank you. I appreciate it for the actual content show of hands. Alright, well thanks guys. I appreciate it. Try not to take that too personally. I'm out of here. Whatever. I don't need this conference. Okay, so what I wanted to talk to you guys about today aside from myself is approaching. Approaching women. That's it. Other times I've been all over the place today. I just want to talk about this one thing in particular right here. And why am I going to do that? This is a good question. You might say, why wouldn't you want to talk about that? But this is a good question. Why am I going to spend my time up here talking about approaching? It's not necessary. You don't need it. It's completely superfluous to you finding a mate, to you dating, to you having happy, successful lives when it comes to, to women when it comes to everything. Don't need approaching. What's true? Don't need it whatsoever. The vast majority of people think about it. Think about all of the people you know in your life right now. Friends, family, acquaintances. How many of these people actually on a regular, consistent basis are stepping outside of their personal bubble of friends and just walking up and talking to random strangers? Not only just talking to random strangers, but getting positive Jovial reactions. Not only getting these positive Jovial reactions, but with the women, getting attraction within five to 10 to 20 minutes, and getting phone numbers and going further. How many people do you know that actually do that? You can probably count them on one hand. Two if you know a lot of people, but that's really stretching it even then. My point being is that this whole being this social superman, this whole like going out and talking to anyone and lighting people up, it's a rarity in our society, in our world. A lot of people, most people, the vast majority of people don't possess this ability. Very, very rare when you find someone that's just so naturally outgoing they light up everywhere. Most people go through their entire lives every once in a while having a couple cocktails and talking to a stranger at a party or a friend's thing, but usually they date people through social circles. They take a class and they meet somebody through there. Online dating is becoming huge right now. You can date a couple new girls every single week and never do a single approach. You don't have to learn this. Most guys will be happily married and never even worry about approaching, approaching, approaching. So why do we care so much about it? Why am I going to spend my entire time up on the stage talking about it? If it's such a big waste of time? Well, obviously it's not. Obviously there's something there that's so valuable that we want it, right? Yeah, there is only a few rare people that have that ability that do this all the time. But why can't we be that person, right? Why the hell can't we be in that 1% of individuals? Certainly a noble goal to try to live up to. Why not? Good question. And how many times we've all been in that situation at the grocery store, at the coffee shop, at the park, walking down the street, at the party, at the bar. Saw that girl. Oh my God, heart skips a beat. She goes walking out of our life forever. We wonder what could have been. Some variation. You've all been there. You've all understood it. And you didn't say hi. You didn't approach. You didn't say anything. Why? Oh, if I just knew what to say. If I just had the right thing to say or, oh, I couldn't move. I couldn't think fast enough. I froze. You don't want to freeze. You want to know what to say. You want to be able, when life throws that person that you've been dreaming about, that person that gets you exciting, you don't want to miss those opportunities. You want that person to be in your life. If there is a chance of it happening whatsoever, you don't want to miss that chance. Two ways you can go about living life. One, dictating what happens, what you get. And the other, just whatever life hands to me. Most people go by doing the same old, same old and they're fine. But very, very few people step outside of that box and say, no, I want something else. I want something different. I want to take this into my own hands. And that's why you're here. That's why we actually care about approaching. Because we're sick of just taking whatever is handed to us. We want to change our cards. We want to turn in, get a new hand every once in a while. And this skill, this, this noble social ability that very, very few people have gives us that opportunity. And yeah, I know you guys have all talked to girls, you guys have all done approaches, you guys have all like put in reps and everything. And I'm sure some of you very well might be able to. How many guys, be honest, is there anyone in this room right now who when you see that girl in any situation that just makes you melt, you will not even hesitate before walking up to her and saying something anywhere within if she's like within a, you know, a block radius of you how many guys can honestly put their hand up and say, I would never hesitate in that situation. I can't do it. Sure as hell can't do it. And so yes, even though you guys have done it before, you're not satisfied. Very, very few of you are satisfied. How do I know this? Because I've been coaching guys for five years. And if there's one thing I hear more than anything else, yes, I help guys have better conversations with girls. Yes, I help guys get more sexual and escalate things, of course. But if there's one thing I hear more than anything else, I want more opportunities. And I'm sick and tired of letting those opportunities pass me by. The one thing I hear more than anyone else, it's still the biggest thing that for whatever reason, doing this for how many years, people are just not satisfied. That's why I'm talking about this today. So what gives me the right to talk about it? Why should I even be the one to to speak to you about it? Well, our coaching programs at the social man, this isn't a plug, I swear, I didn't mean it to be this way. But our coaching programs with the social man, they're not perfect, we're working on improving them every single day. But one thing that we do nail is there's not a single guy that walks through our program who spends a weekend with us that has any problem approaching like a machine afterwards. Some guys conversation we still need to brush up with some guys, you know, flirtation escalation still needs a little bit of work. But if there's one thing I can always guarantee is you will not walk away from that weekend having any problem approaching whatsoever. Bold guarantee. How can I make something like that? Good question. The reason why guys walk out of our programs without every having any problem in this area whatsoever is because after one of our programs, the guy is no longer making the two big mistakes that the vast majority of men make who are struggling with this stuff. When it comes to approaching women, the vast majority of people make it if you're still struggling with consistency, you're making at least one of these two mistakes. Not maybe not all the time, but enough of the time that your consistency isn't where you want it to be. And that's what I'm going to be sharing with you right now, what those two are. And let me make it clear, after listening to me speak, you're not going to just I'm not, I don't know, I'm not doing some some magic stuff to rewire your brain chemistry as I'm talking to you. You're not going to be able to walk out of here and not, you know, have your whole feelings about approaching change. I wish I could do that. I can't. You're going to be able to understand what I'm talking about from an intellectual standpoint. It's very simple. I promise it won't go over anyone's head. And it's probably stuff you thought of before. It's probably stuff you've heard before. It's probably stuff you were already doing when you were on and you didn't even think about it and you were having a great time and talking to everyone. So this won't be any big secret. And it probably won't be anything that 99% of you haven't done. But the problem is, in some situations you revert back, you make these mistakes. And when it counts most, in front of the people you care most about in front of the women you're most attracted to, you fall. Consistency sucks. And that's why you actually care about what I'm going to be saying next. So what are these two mistakes? Number one. And before I start, the important thing about these two mistakes is that they are universal. There's not a human being who has not felt one of these symptoms, one of these things I'm about to talk about. It's in each one of us from the time we're children. It's completely intertwined with our human DNA, with our human who we are, what we want, what it means to be us. There's no running away from it. There's no escaping it. All we can possibly do is try to live with it and control ourselves and control like what our actions as best we can despite of it. You'll see what I mean in just a second. The number one mistake that just about everybody makes, completely natural, we're doing it from the time we're children, is that, for whatever strange reason, we always just want to believe that the world revolves around us. When you're a child, you believe that you're the center of everything and everything revolves around you. In fact, as a child, you learn how to relate with the world in terms of how it affects you. This is an integral part of a child's development. I learn what this water is based on what it does to me. I don't care what it is outside of me, but I care about how it feels to me, how it tastes in my mouth, how it feels when I jump in the swimming pool. Water couldn't even exist outside of that to me when I'm a child. In our adult lives, we usually grow out of these tendencies. We usually move past it in most parts of our life. However, in those times that we actually care, in those times that we get nervous, in the times that we put value on a situation, we have a tendency of reverting back to some less than glamorous tendencies. One of those tendencies being to interpret things, exterior things, especially things that we value, simply in terms of how they relate to us, interpreting everything through that lens. What do I mean? If you're speaking to a woman who you do not find that attractive, right? You don't value her. She's, let's just say in your own worldview, she is unattractive, right? You go to talk to this person and she's cold, she's distant, she's unresponsive. What do you say to yourself? You say, well, she's not a very nice person. She wasn't so ugly, she probably wouldn't be so mean all the time. Some variation, right? Oh, why is she such a bitch? Now, let's take that girl, only transform her to the most beautiful woman you've ever seen in your life, or the most beautiful woman you've ever seen that night. Standing there, hair is perfect, makeup is perfect, outfit sexy, whatever your dream girl happens to look like, and you go to talk to her, she's unresponsive, she's cold, she's distant. What's the first message that goes through your head now? She didn't like me, I didn't say the right thing, my line wasn't good enough, I wasn't funny enough. What could I have said in order to get a better reaction out of her? What should I have said right there? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I figure this out? Why am I struggling? The second that value comes into play, everything we know about things just operating at a rational level goes out the window and we become that child again. It all becomes about us. How does that relate to me? What does that say about me? What does that say about who I am, my value? We just give it away in that moment. Why? What makes her so special? Ask yourself that question. Here's the key. There's something that I teach, I call it the 60-40 principle. It's really, really, really simple. This one kind of helps you remember not to get caught in this trap. And what the 60-40 principle says is that any time you ever get any sort of reaction out of another human being, any point in your life, 60% of it has nothing whatsoever to do with you. The vast majority of it has to do with her. Where she's at, what her upbringing was like, how outgoing she is, how social she is, how great she is able to come up to with a witty comeback when some stranger approaches her. If some gorgeous girl came up to you and said hey, how's it going? Are you going to be there with like some funny comeback? Are you going to stutter and maybe get a little nervous sometimes? Why is she any different? Maybe she's just having a bad week, maybe her boss was being a dick that day, maybe she just got broken up with, maybe she didn't have the best relationship with her father, maybe that dress she's wearing makes her feel fat, maybe she is ovulating, maybe she is menstruating. That's probably going to be the biggest determinant of whether you get a positive or a negative response. 60% the vast majority of it has nothing to do with you whatsoever. Yeah, 40% there's still stuff under your control, there's still stuff you can do to influence that situation, but why is it when you get that negative response from a woman that you actually care about, that you actually value, is your first impression, what did I do wrong, what's wrong with me, instead of what's wrong with her? Why? Does it make any sense whatsoever, logically? Like I said, it's one thing to understand it intellectually, actually understand it right here, requires action in situations in which you normally wouldn't want to take action. What does this all mean? What does this whole 60-40 thing mean in terms of approaching women? And you know what, in terms of approaching, I say 60-40 for all parts of an interaction. For approaching, I'd say it's way less than that. I would put it at 80, 20, 90, 10. What I'm saying is that when you approach a woman, yes there are some things that are under your control. However, the vast majority of her response has nothing to do with you whatsoever. And you know this too, when you're talking to a girl you don't care about, you've been there before, she doesn't respond as you like her to, you're like, yeah whatever, I'm having a great time. But yet you all know that there's been times when a woman that you actually value has not been social, has shown that she lacks social intelligence or social abilities, so that she's not in a very friendly mood, shows that she's not outgoing, shows that she can't hold a conversation and you feel dejected, you feel like you did something wrong, you feel like she's rejecting you, she can't reject you especially if she gets to know you after a while and you just screw things up left and right, then she can reject you. In those first five to ten seconds all she can do is tell you a little bit about herself. It's the first biggest mistake that guys make. They take it personally, it's about me. When it has nothing to do with you whatsoever, it's always about you, right? When I, when you do wrong, oh it's me, I said the wrong thing, she doesn't like me, I mean it works well and opposite, right? She responds positively, you can't wait to pump yourself up, man she loved me, I look so good, I said the right thing, like I was so smooth, how could she not want me, are you joking? I hate to tell you 60-40 kind of works there too, no she was probably just ovulating, or I mean yeah, she liked you but don't give yourself so much credit. It was more to do with the fact that she was in the mood and you just happened to be a man who she was attracted to, but she has a say in this too, it's not all you that deserves all the credit here, maybe she ran a little game on you as well. First biggest mistake, second biggest mistake that the vast majority of us make, especially when times are hard, especially when we get put in situations, that tests our patients, that tests our nerves, also incredibly human, also incredibly born in us from, geez, from the time we could crawl, essentially. This mistake is, is that, oh man, this is, this is common amongst all kinds of anxiety. Think about any time you've ever been nervous about anything, or in general when human beings get anxious or nervous about things in their life, this is one of the first responses that human beings have to it, is that when they find something that they don't like, that doesn't make them feel good, that they can't explain, that just, they just don't enjoy, something they don't understand, something that makes them feel anxious, something they fear. One of the first most common human reactions is they want to control that thing. They feel that if they can exert more control over that situation, then that will alleviate their fear. If they can somehow just, if it wasn't so out in the air, if it wasn't so random, if it wasn't so scary, if it wasn't so unknown, then that would alleviate their fear, then they would be able to control the situation, then they would be able to approach all the women that they want. You've told yourself this, if I just had that line, if I just knew what to say so that I could minimize rejection, then I could approach, then I, if I could just whittle rejection down to maybe like 10%, then I would have no problem, no fear approaching any woman anytime, anywhere. Here's the big difference between, when you've told yourself that, between a guy who doesn't have any fear approaching, that rare 1% who doesn't have any fear approaching whatsoever. Okay, you're like, well, if I could minimize rejection, then I could go approach whenever. The natural says, rejection is just part of the game. I know I'm going to get rejected, and I'm going to get rejected a lot. It's a numbers game. They don't try to control, well, maybe if I can just try to get this positive, no. 60-40 principle, they know without even thinking about it. They know, sometimes they're going to get good reactions, sometimes girls are going to be in good moods, sometimes girls are going to be having a good day, sometimes girls are going to be ovulating, and sometimes girls are going to be not so good of a mood, sometimes girls are going to be having a bad day, sometimes girls are going to be menstruating. They're not sitting there trying to rack their brain over how they can increase their odds. No, they know that the vast majority of it has nothing to do with them whatsoever. So instead of wasting their time trying to figure out some perfect thing to say, they're just throwing out as many opportunities as they possibly can. And you look at this entire industry, not this entire industry, excuse me, so much of this industry is predicated on that promise. You're like, I don't try to control everything. This industry is predicated on the promise. I'm going to give you what to say. Sign up for this, take that, and I'll give you that line so that you never get rejected. It's been playing off men's insecurities. It's been telling us it's more complicated than it actually is. Is it do you really have to win her over with some complex thing? No. She knows in the first five to ten seconds whether she wants to sleep with you or not. It's coming, this elaborate thing that you can hope to concoct in order to win her over. It's not going to change that. It's just going to waste both your time. Maybe she's polite, maybe she's not. But the girls that liked you and were into you at the end of that were the same girls who were going to like you and were into you before that, despite that. The guys who are good with women, well, I like to change the verbiage, excuse me, I like to change the verbiage of all this because the whole idea that a lot of people have in this community of approaching is built in. These mistakes are built into it. This whole idea of going up to a girl or a group of girls with something that they have to say, that they're hoping will get a specific reaction controlling the situation, thinking that it's more than 60-40, that they actually have more power in that than they actually do. They think of what to say. They walk up, they deliver it, and then they stand there waiting to either be accepted or rejected. This whole idea of approaching is just riddled with error and it's no wonder why something's been broken for so long. We keep trying, we get better and better, but there's still a big gaping hole and we can't figure out why. I don't like to think of it as, I stopped using the term approaching just because of how we generally think of it when we think of approaching. Because when myself or guys who are good with girls, they don't think of it as like, okay, so approach. Hey guys, I got to get back to my friends. They don't think of it as this like big thing they do. Sometimes they're going to be around girls, they're going to try to position themselves around girls, and then usually it's just something they shout over their shoulder. Then it's usually, hey, by the way, this and that. They're not trying to put an effort trying to get a good reaction. They're just simply getting their attention because they know more than anyone else that sometimes you're going to get a positive reaction, sometimes you're going to get a negative reaction. Remember I said that there are things that play into what you do? Are you smiling? Are you looking them in the eyes? Can they hear you? On the approach, that's essentially it. The rest of it, it's up to them. Really, try it. I stopped using the term approach and I just started using the term dropping a hook. Dropping a hook because when a fisherman are fishing, right, and they stick their lines in the water and the fish aren't biting that day, they don't say, oh I'm a shitty fisherman. They say sometimes the fish just aren't biting. That's just the way fish are sometimes. Maybe I'll try a little different bait. Maybe I'll go check out a different fishing hole. Sometimes the fish bite, sometimes they don't. And I'm not going up with this whole thing trying to do it. I'm just dropping a hook. I can go to the bar, drop a hook over my shoulder. I can bump into some girl behind me, look at her and say excuse me. Oh, I just dropped a hook. Sometimes she's going to be like, oh yeah, don't worry about it. Sometimes she's going to be like, oh it's no problem T. I'm going to say, oh that's a cool like headband thing you're wearing. She's going to be like either she's going to be like thanks or she's going to be like, oh thanks. Right? You've all seen either one of these reactions before. You know how it happens. But you, natural human tendency to over complicate. Build up these big structures of what's going to happen when it's so freaking basic. The only thing that makes this complicated all of this stuff. The only thing that makes it complicated is this thing right here. It's so but freaking simple. The only thing that makes it complicated is your doubt, your insecurity that wants to make it more complicated to make you feel like you can't do it. It's freaking simple. I promised myself I wouldn't swear. I made that promise in years past. But freaking just sounds weird. Drop hooks. Drop hooks. Sometimes they're going to, sometimes they're not. You lose nothing whatsoever. What have you lost right there? You're not taking it personally. And yet because you're not like wasting all of your time ten minutes trying to like dig out like finally dig out a good reaction which never would have came anyway. When you could have dropped ten more and you're not thinking about it. This is a big script and this big thing you have to run up and do. What are my hooks? How's it going? What are you girls up to? I like that. Look you did right there. That was cute. Do that again. Sometimes she's going to be like, sometimes she's going to be like, this look? What have I just lost there? Nothing. All you can ever do is gain information. That's it. Stop approaching girls and just start dropping hooks everywhere you go. The more you drop, the more girls you're going to talk to. It doesn't have to be fancy guys. Well what hook? You know what my favorite hook in the world is? It's really really simple. Did you see that I'm communicating with you? Did you see that right there? Who did not see that? Oh yeah? Did you notice that I was doing something towards you? Did I get your attention? Did you see it? Now some girls either going to be like or some girls going to be like, I just dropped a hook right there. All it is is finding out what's this girl's deal. That's all I want to do. I just want to know. And the only way you can tell is to say something. I used to teach differently. I say, well look at them and see if they're really friendly. Then go approach them. If they look really like pissed off, don't approach them. I mean in general I'm still going to operate under that. But if I'm coaching, you never know. Because I've had girls that look most friendly and they've just been cold. And I've had girls that look like they want to punch somebody, actually be really sweet. And they were just kind of shy and nervous before. You never know unless you check. So why not? Why wouldn't you? Dropping hooks, man. I literally every single day, I live in New York so I walk past a shit ton of people all the time. Every single day I literally will consciously try to make eye contact with each and every single person I pass. Practice. All it is is practice. And sometimes girls are going to smile back. Sometimes, oh you know what my favorite response is when I'm like giving? I'll just bore into people's heads. If they don't see me, I will just stare until I get something. That's another thing. Stare at people's heads. That's a hook. If they don't see you, never counted. You weren't staring. What are you talking about? Wait until their eyes meet. As soon as their eyes meet you're going to know whether they're into you or not. Either they're going to smile back. Either they're going to be like, or my favorite response, which I was about to say, my favorite response, which most guys don't think of as a positive response. But when I look at a girl boldly and she looks away really fast. When she looks down, oh I love that response so much. Because I know, just like when a, maybe in times past, obviously not nowadays. But I know when a girl's made me nervous when she's looked at me, I've had that same reaction. So when a girl does that, I just get this smile on my face because I know what I just did to her inside of her body. I just know, right? Right? Here's how you know you're doing it right. And I say the same thing about escalation. You know how you're doing it right? You know how you're doing it just enough? Because it feels really weird on the inside. You feel awkward. You feel funny. If you're not stepping outside of that comfort zone, if you're not making your own self-feeling, oh, with the amount of eye contact you're making, you're not making enough. If you're not feeling really, really awkward about how far you're pushing the interaction, you're not doing it enough. I promise you. Because if you were, you'd be having a lot different results than you've already been having. And if you just keep doing what you've always done, you're going to keep getting what you've always gotten. So you have to take different actions. It's really what it comes down to. It's so simple. I mean, we could break this down conversation. I mean, I talked about conversations last year. I talked about buffering. I talked about not talking too much. It's never about the secrets. The thing about conversation that's so funny, it's based on the same principle. Guys always say, oh, just think about it in the same way. What do I say? Like what, what's the thing that I'm going to be able to say to get her to like me? The ultimate fallacy, the ultimate lie of this industry, the ultimate lie of yourself down in your insecurity. You're not good enough as you are. She would not like you just for being the person who you are standing in front of her. You have to say something to get her to like you. She's up here. You're down here. And either she's got to come down a couple pegs, or you've got to say something that's going to bring you up. The ultimate fucking lie of the industry. And they didn't come up with it. You've been telling yourself that long before they ever came up and made money off of that insecurity. It's bullshit. In the meantime she's sitting there wondering why the hell is this guy talking so much? I liked him. I was actually into him. Why is he trying to act like he needs to win me over? Actually now I don't like him anymore. What the hell is he trying to make up for? Guys always think that I have to be the funny one. I have to get her to like me. I have to say the thing that's going to make her fall for me. No. One of our female assistants actually said it best one day because I was talking about a similar thing. And she said it's far more sexy, far more attractive, far more important to be interested than it is to be interesting. Guys always think that in order to get a girl to like them they have to be the funny one. They have to be the charming one. They have to be the star. The vast majority of women out there they want to be the funny one. They want to feel as though they're the charming one. They want a guy to make them feel like they're the sexy one. It's your job to provide the framework for the conversation. It's your job to lead the conversation. It's your job to give her the opportunity to fill the conversation with the beauty, with the things that women are great at filling their lives with, with the funny stories and the giggling and the laughter that you're just sitting back poking fun at. Really? Tell me more about that. Are you serious? Oh my god! It's fucking hilarious. It's the same thing. When it's a girl you don't care about you're like no that's really cool and she just won't shut up. It's a girl you like. All of a sudden you won't shut up because you're trying to impress her so much. What's changed? The girl or you? Why has the reaction changed from the girl? Simple. We over complicated in our heads because we've got something to prove not to them but we don't feel like we have enough ourselves. We don't feel like we're good enough so we feel like we have to do something extra. All you got to do is put yourself out there. That's essentially you put yourself in a woman's path and give her the chance to impress you. I'm not trying to to reach any hook point with girls. I'm giving girls the opportunity to hook me. Sometimes they will. Sometimes they won't. The sooner I stop taking those wones personally and start laughing at them the sooner I'm going to start having a lot more amazingly enjoyable experiences with the girls that do respond positively because there's a shit ton of them out there. There's four billion women and I know when you lock yourself in your house for a month because you just got out of a breakup and you're just eating like Ben and Jerry's and you're playing video games and you're on the computer all night and your zits are popping out and you're like putting on a couple extra pounds and you're not sleeping and you're just like feeling like the biggest piece of shit in the world. I know you're sitting there like man what girl's going to want me. Oh man I do need some tricks. Absolutely I am at a low point. But then we get out there maybe start working out a little bit we maybe start taking care of ourselves we get good night's sleep we start being productive in our professional. We get down a good streak. We've all been there. How many people have had a hot run where they've been in a really good place and people have found them attractive charming and valuable. Show of hands please I'm right. And how many people have had runs where they've been cold. Where nothing's going right. Where shit's just in the gutter right. Yeah yeah absolutely. Absolutely. I wave my hand all day at that. What's the difference the outside world. We all have it inside of us. Right sometimes we we get into ruts and you know what you do the biggest thing we need in ruts when we're in the ruts that's when the most desperate. Guys call me guys want coaching when they're at that. That pitfall bottom of their of their you know their their ruts. Guys are never calling me when they're sitting me in there they're happy like full circles they call me in their ruts because that's when it's like I can't take this shit anymore. You know what the first thing I usually give those guys when they're at the end of their rope. When they're just so frustrated. Maybe and it usually is at those those really harsh moments maybe after a divorce maybe after a some traumatic. Point in one's life that's when I that's when the guys really are just like. What the fuck at the end of their rope frustrated first bit of advice I give them. Patience. Patience I know it feels like it's never going to get better right now and I know today feels like forever. But you know you've been here before. You're going to get out of it and yes there are certain actions you can take to increase that speed. Yes there are certain things you can do. To to jolt your learning curve. I'm lucky when I'm in those spots I have things that I can immediately make myself do that I didn't have the option to do my first breakup or my first heart acre when I was. Much younger. I now have strategies that I can take to to to get myself out of that place a little bit faster. But we've all been there and we all obviously have been in the opposite we've all made we have dropped hooks we all have just shut up and let girls talk talk talk talk we've all escalated just fine the only problems is sometimes even though we know how to do it intellectually and even though we've done it in the past. We forget right here. And so yeah it sometimes takes a little memory jogging sometimes it's like I'll be sitting there and I'll fall into old patterns I'll do old things any day of the week son of a bitch what happened it's constant this is actually guess what it's never going to be over. You're going to have to go back and forth with that shit with the with the that other side of you that just wants to drag you down you're going to go back and forth with that for the rest of your life it's not going anywhere. And there's going to be days when it gets the best of you. There's going to be days when you just are so frustrated with yourself and what you weren't able to accomplish that you just want to give up and wonder why you started on this in the first place. Oh but man is is is is it impossible no is is the greatest power those ruts in that negative he have just that that persuasiveness to actually make us feel that it really is so bleak that's really their only power is making you feel that it is hopeless that there isn't a tomorrow that it's not going to get better. But man it's all about reminding yourself of that simple shit that gets clouded that gets thrown off and the more you hear it then the more you not only hear it but the more you go out and experience it and feel the more hooks you drop and see exactly what i'm talking about in your experience that back to you hearing me talk about dropping hooks and how girls react yeah it sounds cute and you like it but after you go out and you practice it hardcore for a weekend where i'm pushing you into every single one of them like this has changed it's all about giving yourself the experience in your life to constantly fight against it constantly build yourself up to constantly get better there's never perfection you're never going to win all you can do is take that next step forward and improve yourself that much more and what i can promise you is that it always does get better as long as you're you're always moving forward you're better today than you were a year ago today weren't you anybody disagree with that unless you were just in a harsh break up or a harsh traumatic experience is anyone worse off now than they were a year ago fuck no i mean it's right there man stop making it so complicated start doing what you know how to do and yeah it's okay to remind yourself every once in a while when you need to cheers yeah give it up um i still have time too so i want to open up to questions i love questions ask me anything you could possibly ask me and i'll be excited to ask answer them any question yes when you're dropping hooks to you so i'm trying to figure out how you end up getting the girls that you want and how you you figure out the girls that you want you drop the hooks and then then you know the girls that respond you you figure out which of those you like or how do you do that really good question really good question i drop i try to drop as many hooks as i possibly can old ladies at the bus stop you know dude at the gas station anywhere like oh yeah having a good day today great i'm going to try to like oh that's a that's a lovely book you're reading ma'am whatever it happens to be why because the principle behind this is that approaching is especially vexing for us because we've got two things coming together we've got a perfect storm of anxiety hitting us not only do we have the she's a pretty girl and she makes me wet myself when i see her anxiety that pops up right we also have another anxiety going on and that anxiety is just a general fear of talking to strangers that we have that we've been raised with most parts of this world you've been raised to know that strangers are the devil and that you should avoid them at all costs or they will poison you with candy with razor blades and apples like this we all know this right has anyone not been taught this from the time they're little so for approaching we've got those two different points of anxiety we've got yes girls are gorgeous and they make my heart beat faster and they make blood rush other parts of my body i know that but then we've also got this other thing i drop hooks everywhere because i want to this is still going to happen and in the more positive reactions you get from girls the less this is anxiety and fear and the more this is just excitement to get more physical and get to know them better like this is the power that drives you forward that that gives you an extra snap on your punches when you compliment her and look her in the eye this is how she believes you when you look her in the eye and tells you she's sexy and so she knows you're not just full of shit but this thing i try to minimize this as much as possible in my life because i know that approaching this girl dealing with this is going to be a hell of a lot easier if i don't also have to deal with this fear of strangers that we all have as well so i'm looking to and in terms of who i like yeah sometimes i'm attracted to people that i talk to sometimes i'm not ones i'm not we might be friends or we might not the ones i am so we should hang out sometime she's like yeah she already agreed to give me her phone number so when you agree to hang out with me that thereby concludes that we have to exchange numbers another question you were talking a second ago about that the idea that you know you shouldn't believe that a woman is up here and you're down here i guess what i what i wanted to know is do you do you believe in the idea then of qualification that you need to qualify yourself to a woman or is that yeah yeah absolutely that's i would we at the social man we certainly teach the idea of of qualification and a big reason why is that everyone's different and just because a woman may not be my perfect life mate just because me and a woman might not be perfectly suited and attracted to each other doesn't mean that she's not an equally worthy human being as me so i still have to screen for someone that's going to be ideal life mate but that doesn't mean there's any value discrepancy between us i still respect her and think she's amazing maybe not perfect for me maybe she's screwed up and's got a lot of her own issues to deal with so i don't want to be around her as much right now but i'm no better or no worse than her you mentioned earlier that you have tools to kind of get you back into your game when you're feeling not so confident yeah so my question is uh what are a couple of those tools and then also when you are on your game what tools or what do you do to maintain that momentum or continue to step it up in that space very good question um so i already gave a couple of my tools just for getting myself back on like everywhere i go every single day i'm consciously trying to make as much eye contact with possible why eye contact is your most powerful tool for socializing and anything in regards to sexuality it's the end all be all the alpha and omega if you're not making eye contact nothing's ever going to happen if you are having strong eye contact that lingers a little couple extra seconds it makes you feel funny in your stomach that's all you need you don't need anything else after that that's all the sexual escalation that needs to happen right there in that moment you can always get closer later but eye contact so and it's not just people say eye contact like you're just like you know look at that thing look at their eyes like it's a blank object like there's one way to do it when in fact like actually looking at someone in the eyes there's different ways you can do it i could look you in the eyes but i also have my periphery open or i can focus on your eyes so that everything just kind of blends into a like into a background blur and i can see you even more crystal clearly can you feel the difference between when i'm doing this versus when i'm doing this right she can feel that one feels like we're friendly and we're talking one feels like i feel funny and what's this guy talking about right if you do not if you are just not spellbound by the amazing sexual power that you can wield with your eyes then you need to start working on your eye contact more than you're not doing it enough i can promise you that and if you're not making enough eye contact why would you even bother working on anything else it's like i want to work on my my high jumping abilities but i can't walk it's ridiculous why are you letting by the big things that actually make the biggest difference go but you're worried about what to say if she says one particular thing in the universe so that's the one big thing i'm consciously working on my eye contact and i will continue to do so until i can look across the room make eye contact with a girl and lure her towards me without saying a word then i'll stop wearing working on my eye contact getting there um so second thing dropping hooks everywhere getting over that that shyness pushing myself but if i see that girl will i still like feel a little nervousness in me a little excitement yeah it's going to be a hell of a lot easier to just jump and not think about it if i've been talking to everybody else all day hell of a lot easier other than that it depends i mean this is where coaching comes in this is where my own personal self-evaluation comes in after that i have a tendency of when i get nervous believe it or not i have a tendency of talking too much crazy i know as it sounds and so like when i would be off my game like after a breakup i'd be talking too much why i thought that i had to say something to win this girl over an impresser so what's the coaching that i give myself and what do i have to force myself to do now the opposite shut the fuck up and one thing i usually give guys is i say if they want to change something about themselves if they want to improve something whatever it is like if a guy is holding himself back because he's too conscious that wasn't my problem i have to force him to start getting more aggressive start getting closer to her start being more forward whatever that is whatever you want to correct whatever you need to shift i always say go as far over the line as possible go to the exact opposite extreme because usually if you're trying to correct the problem and there's some anxiety attached because of the situation you're in you can go as far over that line as you think you are and you're not even close to the line i always say go as far over until you're getting slapped till you're positive that okay i need to start pulling it back then dial yourself back a couple clicks if you're just inching forward you're never going to find out where the the actual limit is where you should be hitting you're just going to be firing in the darkness so in terms of me shutting up i had to go to the other extreme i had to like do way less talking than i normally would do in a in an action interaction when things are just going and then when i'm when i'm good when i'm good i'm already having enough experiences to keep up my my practice so i don't really need to have to work on it or focus on it i have enough women in my life that these things are happening that i don't have to think about it good question in your experience what is the most critical factor in a guy's psychology to get him over the belief that there's this great chasm between having girl up here on a pedestal and he's down here and has somehow raised her raise himself to her level good question i there's something that i teach but this isn't my concept by any any shape or form but i use an acronym called tar and what tar stands for is thoughts actions reactions essentially saying in some situations you have thoughts that bolt into your head if you had really bad experiences with girls when you were younger and you get put in a situation with a girl you value those thoughts probably aren't going to be too positive they're normally you could be thinking normally but all of a sudden in that situation you start thinking crazy you start going haywire your brain takes over okay your actions then are a reflection of those thoughts and if your thoughts suck those actions probably aren't going to be too good either they're probably going to be your eye contact is going to be jumping all over even though you know to make eye contact you're going to be talking too much even though you know you want to do et cetera and then reactions the are what what feedback do you get from the outside world what what what are the girls saying back to you so you have these thoughts and what usually happens is this how self fulfilling prophecies form I suck with girls your actions look like a guy who sucks with girls her reactions say man you suck with girls why because of the action that you're giving out right there right and then what does that reaction do it goes back and informs those thoughts see I told you you were right you get more experiences that just reinforce those negative thoughts so there's a couple ways you can deal with this to answer your question one thing obviously is the whole inner game side of the thoughts if I can just maybe if I do enough self affirmations or or maybe if I just you know if I if I hammer home hang out with the right people that tell me the right things over and over again I hear it enough it'll change those beliefs do I believe in that absolutely to a certain extent over a long period of time what we essentially do in our coaching programs is yeah we're hammering home different beliefs the entire time to try to affect that T but what we're really doing is we're getting the change that a we're getting him even though he wants to like lock up into his shell of looking down and talking and mumbling and and getting into his cage and not like you know physically and inciting emotion out of the woman we get him to even though it's hard and even though he's nervous to once again overreach those lines in whichever way we want to push them change those actions and sometimes it's hard as hell sometimes it's the simplest action it's like jumping up and down but when you're trying to do it on the edge of a building and you're afraid of heights it's impossible the simplest action in those moments can be the hardest thing but we then get him to to push to do those actions eventually he starts getting different reactions from the outside world and I think that's where it really happens you start reprogramming those memories you start replacing them with those different positive memories and in conjunction with the actions you're taking when conjunction with the the the belief work that we're doing then those new memories come back and they go back and reaffirm those thoughts you know what maybe it's not me that girls don't like maybe you know it just happened to be that girl in that one situation and actually with these other responses I find out that quite a few number of other girls actually do respond positively to me isn't that crazy our actions start getting we start feeling bolder dropping hooks more and more escalating sooner keeping your mouth quiet letting that awkward silence fill while you smile and she's like oh so anyway and then you really smile because you know what just happened there yeah that's my favorite moment in a conversation is when awkward silence is filled by her sweet voice that's when I know it's on answer question cool one more or yeah all right oh perfect all right so your theme is dropping hooks yeah okay how taking action slash dropping so how exactly would you define dropping a hook yeah um a hook is anything you do to get a girl's attention so once again if I look her in the eyes with that focused look I give her a little smile if I'm being friendly or a little slight cocky upturn of my lip if I'm being sexual in a bar or alcohol fueled environment that's a hook if a girl's walking by I could thrust my crotch into her and say oh excuse me oh excuse I'm sorry it's really tight in here excuse me that I just did she already look at me and have to acknowledge me that's a hook can I say hey those are some bad ass shoes right there that I just get her attention and force her to acknowledge me and she'll either acknowledge me positively or she'll acknowledge me negatively and each time has more to do with her and her life than anything I could possibly do or say in that moment so a hook is something that she has to respond to something that grabs her attention something that gets her attention so walking by and she doesn't acknowledge your presence whatsoever you did not drop a hook oh what do you our hook can approach interchangeable terms I don't like I said hey you you could use it absolutely but like I said I don't like approach because of this whole going up and trying to make something happen which is counterproductive to guys actually getting over this fear in my opinion thank you anytime and and getting eye contact yeah I I love making eye contact but it's not always like you're reciprocated with the girl even if she may be interested in me but like how how do you go about getting getting someone to increase her eye contact in the midst of a conversation you're talking about right now like you're talking to this person and maybe the eye contact is not consistent maybe she's got some issues with her sexuality maybe you're you know screwing up on your end you're tightening up your you could do some things that for whatever reason her eye contact just not there right right okay um good question do you want to come up on stage real fast and I'll show you what's your name what's max max let's give a round of applause for max come on bring the mic max like oh bring the mic very very simple try not to woo you like eric awakening all right this was two years ago on stage don't read into that 21 convention joke all right um really simple eye contact rule I'm my my goal is I always want to lock her in if I have her held and thralled in that focused gaze that I'm talking about you know what I'm talking about you feel that right there's no this this is different than the way most people normally look at you right right right makes you feel different on the inside doesn't it I want her to feel that as much as possible so I want to lock her in that eye contact as much as possible so general rule general rule if she's looking at me I am locked in 110 percent of the time so let's practice that look at me nice addendum to that rule always mirror so when she looks off in some direction look off in some I'm looking off in some direction now the important thing is is that I can still see her in my periphery so if she looks off and I'm looking off I still see what her face is doing right there so when she looks back at me I'm locking that I just want that eye contact I'm taking it any second I get so she looks back at me bam it's on again now isn't it funny well well well look what we have here she looks off and it is kind of funny when you mention that I mean I don't know where you would get that from do you it's crazy who does know one change that I have to this little rule sometimes I look off just for emphasis just to add a little extra spice demonstration so I don't know what came over me but that's when I realized I just had to you know it's not when I come back it's like it just hits you even more strong because it's had that moment to disassociate so that's the only time I'm going to break my my eye contact at all cost rule but otherwise yeah unless she's it's like you're not making enough I promise unless like this is all you need so what do you have for breakfast oatmeal huh what was that oatmeal huh yeah what what kind of oatmeal with with instant oatmeal instant oatmeal with raisins with with raisins and cranberries cranberries how'd you like that it's really good pretty good what kind of berries we're in there yeah blueberries blueberries you like blueberries oh yeah yeah what do you like about blueberries I mean it doesn't matter what I'm saying sexuality is right here and yes I'll lower my voice and I'll slow it down and I'll say it instead of saying it like they'll say it like this really well why didn't you say that in the first I mean I'll start lowering my voice but man it's all in the eyes right you can clap for it I felt it coming on here's a no clap for max that's really allowing me to seduce him like that um time how are we doing time wise cool do you want me to seduce you now do you ever find that eye contact gets confrontational sometimes like people will misjudge your intentions yeah good point my whole trying to to make eye contact with any person anytime anywhere excellent point I will not do that if I feel my safety is threatened in any way shape or form so if the man's bigger than me and looks angry I'm generally not going to be boring my eyes to the back of his head um very good exception to the rule yes thank you for that point of clarification a week later you guys are like limping and crutches like neck you told us to make eye contact um weekend can we fit both of these in all these questions are coming up the last moment who is who who had their hand up first yeah um what's your favorite system for getting sexual what I just did right there yeah that's um oh my other favorite thing would probably be yeah my and this is just me the thing about the thing we teach about specific lines or specific specific techniques or or anything like that is all up to the personality there's going to be some shit that I say that works great for you there's going to be some stuff I say that works terribly for you and every single guy is going to have his own personality that works for different so take what you like leave the rest but one of my favorite ways to increase sexuality and an interaction and guys who are better with women don't do this but I love sexual innuendo it's one of my favorite things to drop like anytime I can say something and she's not sure if I mean it sexually or not even better if she does take it sexually and then I can accuse her of getting all sexual when I'm trying to have a serious conversation that's probably my favorites or just compliments man compliments get such a bad rap because if you say them like before a girl starts opening up you know if a girl's sitting there looking angry and pissed off of the world like she wants to punch somebody you're like you're really cute she's not going to respond well girls don't respond well to compliments when she knows you're full of shit it's really simple but when she's lighting up and she's showing off her personality and her sense of humor and she's looking you in the eyes and she's got that twinkle in them you say you're adorable she's going to light up and she's going to look like a Christmas tree so yeah compliments another one of my favorite ways to escalate the situation outside of what I just did Max hi I'm Melvin I just want to say I love you you are the reason that I'm here just a dude Melvin I know I know this I know you're just a dude I'm just saying you're the reason that I'm here and I'm glad that you made a really good point with the whole 60-40 because a lot of guys in this community do not value themselves at all they're always thinking it's an ego thing we think we have more power than we really do and it's not just guys in this community it's everyone but it's true but thank you I just want to say thank you thank you one more cool yeah I just um have I this is my question okay so looking at you I'm thinking back to what can you hear this fine I'm out and clear all right so I was thinking back to what Robbie Kramer said at the beginning where he was talking about these sort of different categories of people and if I were to place you I would place you in the upper left the sort of outgoing and extroverted kind of guy you know you definitely have that energy and I would definitely say I'm somebody who is it was probably more in the bottom right very analytical kind of an introverted person so how would you suggest that I take what what you know you're suggesting and apply it to somebody like me who would naturally be more serious and you know maybe like I can get too intense and people can like girls can think I'm creepy or something because the the energy isn't quite as as sort of bouncing all over the place as yours you know you're more of an introvert is what you're saying yes let me ask you a question is that a disposition or a prison do you have to be that for the rest of your life here's what I'm here's the point my business partner Christian Hudson he might have heard of him he was one of the people that founded charisma arts he then went on to found our mutual companies been doing this for a while he's an introvert he's a big time introvert but he decided he wants to actually have social interactions with people so he'll drop hooks from time to time and he'll and he'll act in ways that are going to get him different results to talk to women because I've gotten a lot better at that I'm just saying that that my I think that my sort of energy is different from yours and so I'm just wondering is your suggestion just to like try to take everybody who is got a more serious energy and introvert and make them into an extrovert or is it I mean how would you suggest that I drop hooks and you know do what you're doing in a way that's like not you know not going to creep a girl out if I'm like a little more serious about it or something or just or just you know maybe less bouncy or something like that well does that make sense absolutely makes sense it reminds me of my speech from last year one thing I can see just from this question is that your face tends to be just a little bit it's not it's not the most express it's not as expressive as my face say that and I'm and one very common thing I touched on this last year is that whenever you get nervous I talked about whenever you're in those situations that you actually value and you actually care about and shit goes haywire one of the most common reactions is that your face tightens up even more it becomes more of a mask and the point that I made last year was that there is no outside of your eyes there is no more influential signal communication piece of communication and with a woman that is more important than your face before we've ever had written or spoken language human beings have been communicating with their face we can display the almost infinite range of human emotion on our face and therefore if you're not communicating if you're tense and if you're tight and if you already have a predisposition not to have a lot of emotion and you're in a situation that that caused you to tense up even more remember when I said trying to overdo it in the opposite direction in order to hit a happy medium and start hitting a place right and what if this and here's the point here's your point kind of it will feel unnatural it'll feel really weird it'll feel really awkward right it won't feel as almost natural for me as maybe would be right it would feel less good for you is that what you're saying what I'm saying is for you to take these actions it will be harder no I just want to say is I feel like you you have sort of you're describing a system that works great for somebody who's got your natural dispositions and I'm wondering how you would modify that system for somebody who has my dispositions that's all I've worked with guys I've worked with guys who are mildly autistic who suffer from Aspergers whose anti-social habits would outweigh yours I'd be willing to bet a considerable amount of money this stuff's universal this stuff isn't about introverts extroverts this stuff's about human communication and it's all about and you know what in your right some people have a more of a disposition one way or another some people are screwed when it comes to this lottery some people are screwed when it comes to other lotteries everybody kind of evens out in the end I believe but the question is is what do you want in your life and yes the easier route the more comfortable route will continue to get you what you've been getting or you could decide to do things radically different not radically but different in ways that I feel just really unnatural to you that take you dramatically outside of your comfort zone but that get you different results you can't are you doubting your ability to take different actions are you doubting your ability to force yourself to smile more when you're talking to your own I was just asking you how if you're smiling you'll never be creepy you use that word a couple times and any time you've ever been referred to as creepy it's because you're not smiling I promise you you just seem to be saying I should do be more like you which is which is fine that's a that's a fine attitude you could have more emotional expression on your face and that's not a me thing that's a human communication thing I'm just seeing is what you're saying is I should be more like you which is fine I'm just saying person I haven't found that to work very well any guy my expression on my face is going to look different than every other human expression on every other face but it's it's their own individual fingerprint it's their own expression when they are actually communicating using their emotions it's not going to be my emotions every single person when they're dropping hooks or they're or they're just expressing in in the interaction it's going to look drastically different it's going to be an expression of their personality when you are actually when you're on fire because you raise your hand when I ask you on fire and you're social and people are laughing you're in a great mood one I'm willing to bet you've got a big smile on your face and two it doesn't look anything like me when I'm smiling and I'm in a great mood it looks like you I don't want me I want you only I want you turned up I want you vibrant I want you in HD I don't want you in the bland ho hum monochromatic colors that have been getting the ho hum monochromatic results that you've been getting I want something better you're right if I could add to this just kind of reject I'll say that I am also maybe even more than you I'm a very extreme introvert I don't know if you guys know that or not but I'm like total if I'm not out meeting women or doing something on purpose to meet people total introvert and I'm very happy with that so at the same time I can see the value of what Nick's saying and doing and I have been able in my own life to implement that at certain specific points on purpose for a short amount of time the rest of the time and I think any of the speakers a long time tend to tell you this I'm total blank face psych crack jokes all time on it so dude I'm like maybe more than you I'm just total you look at my pictures on Facebook of me they're dead serious or look really high and I don't and I don't do drugs I never have so yeah at some points I'm able to do that stuff throughout the rest of my life I'm not even so nothing working the same boat on that I just want to make that clear we also got to wrap up so both of you guys yeah thanks for the questions cheers I think Nick appreciates them too I'm definitely not serious tough questions are the best to answer yeah really great question thank you guys