 Join me and my roommates, Dr. Ed, Nurse Natasha, Gary Gray and Hans the Butler as we talk about all things horror. Hello and welcome to my review of Rob Zombie's The Monsters. Honestly, this review almost didn't happen at all. On the release date I went to Netflix, surprise not to see it in the new release section. It didn't come up in my recommended videos either, so I went and typed it in the search field and nothing pops up. Looks like The Monsters is not available on Netflix Canada and honestly it was a bit of a relief. It was weight lifted off my shoulders because I actually didn't really want to watch this movie whatsoever. Honestly, I don't think it should have been made in the first place. I am a diehard fan of the original 1960s show. My dad got me into it as a kid. I loved it growing up. I loved The Monsters. I even rented The Monsters made for TV, The Monsters Revenge, all the time to watch that. A lot of people don't even like that one and I loved it. I'm with you, man. I fucking love The Monsters Revenge. So for that reason I should be very happy that Rob Zombie's trying to reboot The Monsters, right? No. Like a lot of people, we think that this is kind of blasphemy and let's talk about that for a second. How come so many reboots and new adaptations of the Adam's family seem to be okay and people are okay with that and seem to like them all? But for some reason, The Monsters, you can't touch that. That's kind of holy ground. Adam's family is overrated. Monsters all the way. So let's go back to the 1960s, where The Monsters and Adam's family both on TV at the same time. The Adam's family was originated way back in 1938. If you look at those original drawings, those characters are essentially what we see all the way even today. Morticia Adams is overrated. She's got no spunk. The Monsters, that was not the case. Those characters were developed by the actors. Their likeness, their mannerisms and their little quirks we all love was developed by the actors who portrayed them. Just for an example, take a look at this clip from The Monsters where Herman is changed into a real man. Fred Gwynn is still Herman Monster even underneath the makeup. He is that character. Fred Gwynn hated that he was typecast as Herman Monster. He should have been proud to be Herman Monster. Fred Gwynn for the most part of his career tried to live down the character Herman Monster, but no one could live up to his performance. That's very hard to recreate. That's what I call lightening in a bottle. So when we get to The Monsters' revenge made for TV movie, even though the original actor who played Eddie and none of the two original actresses that played Marilyn were in it, you still had the three main actors. Fred Gwynn as Herman Monster, Yvonne Decarlo as Lily Monster and Al Lewis as Grandpa. As you have those three strong actors who basically created those characters, that film overall works and that essential Monsters humor and spirit is still there. They tried to revive The Monsters several times after that with new actors and it just didn't work for that reason. The Monsters today was fucking horrible. Mockingbird Lane, a complete disaster. So because of that when I saw that Rob Zombie was rebooting The Monsters, I thought that this is kind of blasphemy. So back to the Netflix problem. Realized I could not watch The Monsters on Netflix and was kind of conflicted because I kind of didn't want to watch it because I didn't want to sit through something I knew was probably going to be fucking horrible, but at the same time I actually didn't want it to be horrible. I want a good Monsters movie or show again, even though I know it's probably never going to happen. I broke down and found out another way to watch it and because of that I'm going to bring you a quick little review of what I thought of Rob Zombie's The Monsters. They had to strap me down to the couch. First of all, I actually did not despise it like I thought I was going to. So let's talk about what I liked about the movie first. I fucking hated it, I can't believe you made me watch that piece of shit. I liked the settings. Costumes and makeup design were wonderful. I liked the colors. First of all was the look of it. After watching the original trailers and saw how colorful it was, I thought oh fuck this isn't The Monsters, Monsters is supposed to be black and white. The Monsters TV show, even though it's black and white, was so cartoonish. It's basically like watching a Looney Tunes episode. The fact that Rob Zombie's movie is so colorful helps it seem more cartoonish, it brings out the cartoonish essence of the Monsters I thought. Most of the settings of this movie were pretty cool. It ends up in a graveyard scene which I thought was great, full of mist, it's well lit, reminding me a lot of again universal monster movies. The castle of Grandpa and Lily live in really great setting. And the nightclub that Herman's Rockabilly Act is playing at is another really cool setting. Zombie a go-go. Great name, great little cavern-esque club. I picked the maniable and zombie a go-go. I passed out in that bathroom many a times. Daniel Roebuck who plays Grandpa Monster is probably the most faithful to the original character. He did a great job. There were a couple of scenes that did really make me feel like I was watching The Monsters. There's a scene where Grandpa wants to conjure up a husband for Lily. Total Monsters. Nailed it. There's some cameos which is a nice treat. Cassandra Peterson who plays Alvira as the realtor. Cassandra Peterson is my hero. Butch Patrick from the original Monsters makes an appearance as does Pat Priest. It was also kind of neat how you get to see how they adopted Spott from a sewer in Paris and how Igor became a bat. Those are two things that worked in a prequel story. There were a couple of side characters alike too. Lily's brother Lester the Wolfman. Very good. Brother Lester. Very sexy man. So how did Grandpa father a werewolf? What kind of fucking genetic pool is that? Count Orlop with his rats were amusing. Richard Break as a mad scientist did a good job but I thought his character was useless because we didn't need to see the creation of Herman Munster. But where was Cousin Phantom of the Opera? The movies. I was torn actually on Jeff Daniel Phillips portrayal as Herman Munster. He had to laugh down perfectly but I thought he didn't play Herman wholesome and innocent enough. It made Herman look like an asshole when he fainted because all the normal people look so ugly. The whole prequel concept of the movie I kind of half liked, half didn't like. So the movie all takes place mostly in Transylvania where Herman and Lily meet before they have to move to America. For the most part I kind of liked everything after their initial wedding. Which is like halfway through the movie. After that wedding scene it does kind of start to really feel like the Munsters to me. That scene made me cry. So what didn't I like about the Munsters? Pretty much exactly what I expected not to like about the Munsters. First of all the jokes are fucking horrible. The only jokes that landed were bad jokes that were supposed to be bad. The only thing I laughed at is when the scientists got leprosy because leprosy is funny. All that slapstick style humor from the original show is completely gone and that's what made it funny. There's one scene where Herman and Lily go to Paris and it started off kind of neat. I like seeing Herman in this French outfit and they're on their honeymoon and there's a mime. Herman scares the shit out of him and I was expecting, I was really hoping for the mime to get freaked out and jump through a wall and you see the outline of the guy through the wall. That is classic Munsters but no he just gets scared in faints. And that's the point where I realize as much as Rob Zombie may like the Munsters he doesn't understand the Munsters and doesn't understand what makes it funny. This movie is also way too fucking slow. You don't even see Herman Munster until like 30 minutes into the movie. So it's a Munster's movie and Herman isn't in it for a quarter of the movie. To me that just makes no fucking sense, that's bad pacing. There's also no adventure, there's always adventure in a Munster's episode. In a 30 minute episode there's lots of action and adventure. They usually get in some sort of situation they gotta get themselves out of. There's no conflict in this besides the fact that Grandpa doesn't really like Herman that much. There's not enough conflict, there's nothing to be solved, there's no bad guy or antagonist in this at all. So there's no adversary for the Munsters. You can say that Grandpa is kinda the bad guy because he doesn't want Herman and Lily to get married but you know that he's not the bad guy cause you know that he's part of the family in the end anyways. So no adventure, no bad guy, no conflict makes for a boring fucking movie if you ask me. It was so boring I'd rather watch my wang shrivel up and die. And because half this movie takes place in Transylvania the whole idea that the Munsters are an oddball family stuck in normal middle America is gone and that's the essence of the show isn't it? That's where the comedy is supposed to come from. The way they portray Transylvania in this, everyone's a monster. Which I don't really get. In the original show they always allude to the old country but they don't say that everyone in the old country is a monster. You kind of assume that they were the oddball monster family even in Transylvania in the original show. There's also no moral to this movie. At the end of every Munsters episode there is a moral to be told and through that moral you always realize that even though the Munsters are an oddball wacky monster family that they truly love each other and stand for family values and even though they all have their flaws they work it out in the end and kind of an example of what a family should be. That's not the case in this movie whatsoever. The movie ends with them being greedy and saying oh ho we're rich now. So in the last scene of the movie you get the impression that money is the end all be all thing and that's what matters the most as opposed to family values. There's several Munsters episodes in the original where they have the opportunity to get all this money and they deny it cause it's either wrong or they give it away to charity or something like that. No that's where you're wrong. Money is everything. If money is everything Ed how come you're always broke? You can never make rent. Rob Zombie as much as you love the Munsters I don't think you fucking know what the actual essence of the show really is. Family values. Now I know probably everyone who's done a review on this is going to go shittle over Sherry Moon Zombie for the way she portrays Lily Munster or for just being it in the first place cause she always has to be in the Rob Zombie movies. Did they even whore in a casting call? Rob Zombie should have cast me instead. All I'm gonna say is I think that she portrayed Lily a little bit too ditzy. It makes Lily look like a professional groovy. Not loving and wholesome and warm enough. That's the thing the Munsters even though they're monsters they are warm people. Jorge Garcia's flute fucking awful. I liked him and lost everything but fuck that he's shit to bed and really phoned it in in this. He looks like me before I went on the slave diet. The ending of this movie was super anti-cligmatic. Nothing really happens in the movie besides Herman and Lily getting together. Them getting screwed out of a bunch of money. Having to move to suburban America. And that's it. There's no ebbs and flows. There's no high points, low points. There's no roller coaster that this movie takes you on. It just kind of flat lines the whole way through. And there's a couple of musical numbers that kind of switch things up into a different gear. But again that's got nothing to do with plot. I like those songs. Another thing about this movie I didn't quite get is what time period is it supposed to take place in. It looks like the 60s. All the technology, the phones, TVs, cars. The way people dress when they move to America all look super 60s. But then there's all this music. This is contemporary electronic dance music. So like what decade is this supposed to be? I like a good Transylvanian party as much as everyone else. But what was with that fucking music? Now because this movie doesn't seem to take place during any specific time period, that also defeats the whole concept of the monsters. Because you look at the original show. The monsters were an odd family living in suburbia in the 60s when it was filmed. Go to the monsters revenge. Looks like the 70s people dressed like in the 70s. And some of the humors derived from 70s culture. Herman gets called a honky in prison. Hey. Lord Bugs mind honky. And it's a hilarious scene. I admit, if you want the Lord, it's honky-dory with me. And that's also where a lot of the humor could come from. But sadly, this movie was devoid of humor. Even the monsters today and Mockingbird Lane took place in the time period it was shot. Which is interesting. That's the whole idea of the monsters, them living in modern times. And because Rob Zombie's monsters don't live in modern times, there's no commentary on modern times. And that's also where a lot of the humor could come from. So in closing, I didn't really hate this movie. I didn't like it either. I didn't really enjoy it. I struggled through the first half. After I got through the first half, I was kind of digging it a little bit. But then it just went nowhere and ended. Am I glad I watched it? Kind of. Yeah, because now it's behind me and it's under my belt. And I can talk to you guys about it. What was the point of this movie? And that's what I was thinking about after. Was this movie made for die-hard fans of the show for them to enjoy? I don't think so. Will this movie do a good job of getting new, younger people into the monsters? I don't think so. So I don't know how this movie is benefiting the monsters as a franchise. So really, this is just another nail in the coffin, solidifying that the monsters is lightning in a bottle. You can't really create the magic of that original TV show without the original cast or the writers. It's that 60s sense of humor and the wholesome morals that makes the monsters something special. I didn't laugh once during this movie and I'll probably never watch this again. Instead, I'm going to go put on the old show right now. Talk to you later.